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Jim sneaks into the district attorney's office and destroys several folders worth of evidence against Justin Roiland. The next day, the DA announces they're dropping the case against Roiland due to lack of evidence. Dwight is visibly crestfallen because he's sure a serial abuser has just been released to harm more victims. Jim mugs for the camera. "Ooo weee!" Jim squeals.
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Mar 23, 2023 02:08
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| # ? Jun 4, 2024 02:06 |
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And in those days, the sons of Man dwelled plentiful in the Land of the Sun. Their tents sheltered robust families and the Angels beheld their daughters beauteous. Thus did the sons of God sit amongst them. Alas, disdainful of their former splendor, they came to yearn for the love of the maidens of the Earth. And from this union sprang gibbering yellow giants. Man degenerated in the following ages. Ere long, evil grew, like foul leprosy. By his wicked deeds Man outraged the Heavens - and God did repent from having created the world. Behold what proclaimed the voice of the Lord then! "Curse these men, for they have turned away from my face and outraged me with misdeeds! Justice is despised, holy bonds are sundered while crime remains triumphant! Vice stains them, even the brows of babes! I shall exterminate them all!" Dwight found grace in the eyes of God however, for he was a man of justice and integrity. God told him: "My clemency is waning and the time has come for my wrath. Thou shalt build a tall, wide and deep wooden ark. Then, let thy wife, thy sons, thy sons’ wives and thy dog into it to be confined, along with selected couples of all the beings of the Earth. With thee and thine I make this covenant. Now go with haste, for my work must begin soon, that the wicked may be punished." Dwight did what God had commanded then. And the rains of the Deluge overwhelmed the world. From the depths of the abyss to the top of the skies, furious winds and waters crashed with a terrible roar. The sun hid behind a funereal veil, and it was as if the shadow would last forever. The rain fell for forty days from the Heavens and the waves rose over the ruins. The men fled to the hills, abandoning their cities in the face of the scourge, as eagles flew over the devastation. Yet the flood rose, certain of its victims, paying no heed to their cries of dismay, and it overcame the highest peaks. Then were the roars of the furious monsters and the clamor of men extinguished, like a sigh - for everything that lived on Earth had been destroyed. The Ark, well shuttered by Dwight’s hand, drifted on that grim ocean towards the boundless horizon, in the middle of night eternal. Now God recalled Dwight and his (God’s) promise to him. "I wonder how long it’s gonna take him to figure out. I can’t remove all this water anyway, where the hell would I put it?" For a moment, the dark clouds cracked over the Ark, as a Cosmic grin.
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Mar 23, 2023 03:09
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Jim physically assaults Dwight
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Mar 23, 2023 03:17
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While Jim is on vacation, Dwight has to take over a project that Jim has been working on for months. The notes Jim leaves behind for Dwight are confusing and contradictory.
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Mar 23, 2023 06:53
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Jim physically oversalts Dwight's fries. Jim also uses salt that he's gathered from purifying his own urine.
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Mar 23, 2023 07:02
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Jim psychically assaults Dwight. Jim doesn’t have psychic powers, so nothing happens. But Dwight does get creeped out every time he looks up and sees Jim staring at him.
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Mar 23, 2023 10:54
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Dwight gets up to use the bathroom. He makes absolutely positively sure to lock his computer so Jim can't pull any pranks, like the time Jim emailed his entire potential client list that picture of Nancy Pelosi's huge tits or that time Jim edited Dwight's autocorrect to replace "paper" with a racial slur. (Both times Dwight's sales jumped through the roof, but that's beside the point.) As Dwight lifts from his chair he wiggles the mouse to confirm the lock screen is showing. He takes a few steps away from his desk, but rushes back and types a few keys to confirm the lock screen is still active. Satisfied, but still wary, he backs up slowly toward the bathroom, making sure to keep his eye on the computer. As he backs up, he doesn't see the rope that Jim tied between the copier and the conference room door handle and Dwight trips and falls backward over the rope, landing loudly on his rear end. The rope triggers an elaborate rube Goldberg machine with gears and marbles which, after several minutes of whizzing and buzzing, a hatch door opens in the floor and several hungry lions leap out and start mauling the office like that scene from Gladiator, but with more rube Goldberg
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Mar 23, 2023 13:38
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Michael sponsors a Rube Goldberg competition in the office, hoping that it might raise spirits among the staff of Dunder Mifflin. Although Dwight's Automatic Beet Slicer is pretty popular, the true winner of the competition is Kevin's Chili Preparation Station. By simply lighting a candle, Kevin's massive machine transforms raw ingredients into a bowl of delicious chili in just under 6 hours. All eyes turn to Jim, who doesn't appear to have any kind of Rube Goldberg device at all. He looks down at his feet and kicks an imaginary rock. "Well, I guess you can all go home. Dwight, you first." Dwight approaches the front door of the office only for former professional wrestler Bill Goldberg to burst through, sending splintering wood everywhere. Meredith is hit by an errant shard in the eye, all but ensuring she will have to be taken to the hospital. Goldberg tackles Dwight to the ground, then lifts him up over his head and tosses him through a folding table covered in Rube Goldberg devices. "I've heard of Rube Goldberg, but a RUBE getting speared BY Goldberg?" Jim mugs for the camera.
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Mar 23, 2023 13:45
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Michael sponsors a Rube Goldberg competition in the office, hoping that it might raise spirits among the staff of Dunder Mifflin. Jim’s entry is an amazingly accurate miniature collage of the office itself. Little gears and levers turn, making the tiny characters move in a lifelike fashion. “You did this all in one afternoon?” asks Oscar, in awe. Jim modestly explains that he didn’t have much “actual” work to do that day, and that he just wishes he’d had some proper supplies, instead of just using whatever he found in the supply closet. A miniature Michael, depicted is a cruel but fatuously ridiculous tyrant, parades back and forth through the tiny scene, apparently forcing the unhappy staff to work on non-productive tasks, like a Rube Goldberg contest. Occasionally the bathroom door opens and a tiny Dwight is seen, being pulled into the toilet by some kind of octopus. When this happens, the tiny mechanical Jim turns to mug the viewer, breaking the collage’s fourth wall.
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Mar 23, 2023 13:53
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Michael sponsors a Rube Goldberg competition in the office, hoping that it might raise spirits among the staff of Dunder Mifflin. Jim, unfortunately, takes this extremely literally and presents his device - The Paranormagraphone. He begins to turn a brass handle, which begins the movement of several gears leading to a wooden box. A metal cylinder inside the box begins to turn, chiming out tinny musical notes as it does. Light begin to flash on the box, which trigger photosensitive sensors on another part of Jim's invention. As the lights flash, tiny sparks issue forth from a series of wires, lighting dozens of tiny candles in a seemingly random pattern. As the candles light, dripping wax weighs down a small scale. As the scale begins to dip on one side, the other side rises and chimes a bell. As the bell chimes, an eerie sense of foreboding falls over the office. Blue smoke begins to issue forth from the floor and a chill fills the air. A deep and disturbing moan seems to come from everywhere and yet nowhere as a spectral figure rises before the staff of Dunder Mifflin. Its skeletal frame is draped in a death shroud which billows around it, blown about by some sort of unseen paranormal force. The figure turns its eyeless face towards Dwight and lifts a bony, accusatory finger towards him. It then lets out a howl of pain and begins to claw at its own face. Dwight begs Jim to shut off the machine, but Jim has gone as white as a sheet. "Dwight, I can't. The Rube Goldberg machinations... it's going to keep going until it runs out of energy! Curse you, Goldberg!! drat YOU AND YOUR INFERNAL DEVICES!" Jim falls to the ground and begins pounding his fists in anger as more spirits begin to rise from the carpeted floor of the paper company. Each is just as ghoulish as the last, frail bodies dressed in rotten clothing, spectral wraths twisting and turning like leaves in the wind. The all howl and scream in a mix of pain and agony, each one mourning the lives they once had. Dozens of phantoms now fill the office, floating freely and menacing each member of the office. Dwight has finally had enough and smashes Jim's machine. All at once, the ghosts fade away, the smoke clears, and the office feels safe again. Each member of the office is shaken, however, and none of them more than Dwight. Dwight wonders why the first phantom pointed the accusatory finger at him. Did he unwittingly cause this specter some sort of pain? Has he been tasked with solving this poor soul's murder, perhaps finally putting him to rest? In a talking head segment, Jim pulls out a piece of paper. "Yeah I insured that thing for $50,000. Dwight's gonna FREAK when he sees what he owes me for breaking it!" "Jim," asks the boom mic operator, "what about the ghosts? How did you fake that?" "I didn't. Pretty great, right?" Jim mugs for the camera.
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Mar 23, 2023 14:48
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Michael sponsors a Rube Goldberg competition in the office, hoping that it might raise spirits among the staff of Dunder Mifflin. Jim misunderstands, although it isn’t clear if this is intentional or not. When his turn to present comes up, Jim pulls out a Rubik’s Cube. Jim struggles and turns the children’s toy, and he looks so proud when he gets a few colors together on a side that nobody has the heart to interrupt. Eventually, however, it becomes clear that Jim has no idea what he’s doing. Kevin starts offering advice. Then Andy stands up and heads over to help. Jim is jealously territorial over letting anyone else hold the cube, but he keeps turning it in response to their suggestions. Soon the whole office is in on it. Jim is turning the sides of the cube with almost superhuman speed, and keeps coming close to solving the puzzle, but then veering away and messing up the colors again. Hours pass. Dwight desperately needs to leave to make it to his urology appointment but Michael says anybody who leaves early forfeits the contest. “Contest?” asks Dwight. He forgot why they started in the first place. The sun is rising out across the city. They’ve been in this room for eighteen hours, entranced by Jim playing with the Rubik’s Cube, but with no end in sight. Jim is too concentrated on the cube to mug the camera.
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Mar 23, 2023 14:59
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Jim pulls off a t-spin using Dwight and his desk causing both to vanish into thin air.
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Mar 23, 2023 15:12
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Jim undergoes experimental surgery. Lacking enough funds to fully realise the changes to his body needed for his latest prank yet, he turns to embezzlement from Dunder Mifflin. He is absent from the office during the months of painful recovery. He can only take food in liquid form. He cannot sleep from the pain. He hunches in the dark, and refuses all company. He cannot let them see him, cannot spoil the surprise. His thoughts turn insular, twisting and strange. When he speaks, which is rare now, there is an edge of religious mania. He paces, relearning how to walk, distracting from the pain by imagining on the look on Dwight's face when he finally puts the prank into action. Jim returns to the office, acting as casual as he can for a man who has been missing for months. A man transformed, who can't hold up his own head without the metal pole connected to his spine. A man who clanks and whirrs when he walks. Most of his colleagues hang back, appalled, but Michael approaches. He places a gentle hand on Jim's shoulder. "I know about the money, Jim," he says "You didn't have to do this. Whatever this is about, we can fix it as a family. As an Office." But Jim is something more than man now, acts with the conviction granted by his horrible new body. The sharp metal of his new teeth flashes under the fluorescent office lighting. The hydraulics of his reinforced jaws whine as he bites down on Michael's arm. Blood trickles down his plastic-coated throat as he tears away a chunk of flesh. He spits it back onto the glumly carpeted floor as he crosses the office. He is not here for flesh. He was remade to devour something else. Jim goes over to Dwight's desk and eats Dwight's stapler. Jim mugs for the camera, wincing only a little as the jagged chewed up metal shreds his insides. Tragic Wagon fucked around with this message at 16:22 on Mar 23, 2023 |
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Mar 23, 2023 15:13
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Jim adds a vial of lead into the gas tank of Dwight's Challenger. When Dwight leaves that evening and lightly puts his foot on the accelerator to exit his parking spot, all six cylinders of his Challenger roar with an ear splitting explosion. A blindingly bright jet flame shoots out of his tailpipe, atomizing Meredith's van and leaving the grass on fire for 60 feet. His rear wheels spin so fast that it causes a smoking burnout and the front of his car lurches upward in an epic wheelie. Before Dwight can react his car rockets forward, hitting 60mph in 1.97 seconds right in the middle of a school zone. Jim watches all this from the window in amazement. He squints at the vial he bought at the Citgo in his hand - liquid passion - leads to rock hard performance. He squints harder, more confused than ever. It says the word lead right there on the label. Was this poo poo going to lower Dwight's IQ or not?
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Mar 23, 2023 16:09
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Dwight comes to work with his hand down the front of his pants. He sits at his desk and glares at Jim. someone had broken into his room last night and attached his thumb to his weiner with a chinese finger trap.
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Mar 23, 2023 16:14
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Jim "soups up" the elevator in Dunder Mifflin with a few helpings of his own personal "cream of mushroom" if you know what I mean  Dwight wonders why the buttons are sticky.
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Mar 23, 2023 17:03
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Jim renders Dwight unconscious with a clown gas impregnated rag for probably the thousandth time. When Dwight awakens, he discovers he is on Fingerbang Island, and in order to leave he must fingerblast Greg Gutfeld’s dad to his (Greg Gutfeld’s dad’s) satisfaction. Jim mugs the camera floppily.
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Mar 23, 2023 17:09
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Dwight falls out of a tree while rescuing a baby bird. He breaks both arms and legs. Jim and the camera crew are the only witnesses. "Don't worry, balloon boy, I'll nurse you back to health," says Jim. Dwight shivers when he sees the wicked glint in Jim's eye. He calls for help but nobody behind the camera lifts a finger to help him. Jim mugs for the camera as he loads Dwight's broken body into the back of his AMC Pacer.
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Mar 23, 2023 17:30
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At his home, Jim eats up a box of Skittles. After a few minutes, Jim shoves a curling iron into Dwight's mouth and plugs it in. Splaying open Dwight's maw, Jim starts puking into Dwight's mouth. Dwight has learned, and hoped, that by no longer resisting that Jim will finished feeding him before the iron heats up to its full temperature. "Get better soon, buddy..." Jim pulled the curling iron out Dwight's mouth and put the duct tape back over Dwight's lips to help him 'keep it down'. Dwight wasn't sure if he was talking about the vomited up food or to silence his screams for help. Jim then walks over to the baby bird and opens up a jar of Gerber baby food and uses an eye dropper to carefully feed it.
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Mar 23, 2023 17:49
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Jim points an infrared scanner at Michael. The device beeps, then a robotic voice begins to speak. "August 27th, 2062." Michael asks what that means, and Jim smiles. "Oh, just the date of your death. It's all very technical but, basically, this thing is able to predict your death with a 99.999% accuracy!" Dwight says he doubts that as there are too many variables involved for a simple machine to figure out. "Oh yeah? Watch this!" Jim then scans Andy. The device speaks again. "March 23rd, 2023." "Looks like your device is a little broken there, Tuna. Hey, maybe you got some tuna stuck in there, huh? Get a fishing rod, try and -" Andy's voice is cut off as Jim produces a gun, fires it, and hits Andy directly between the eyes. "Nah, it's working fine. Now then, let's scan Dwight and see what it says!" Dwight tries to escape but it's too late, Jim scans him. The machine whirrs and buzzes, something it hadn't done before. There's a series of beeps, followed by more whirring. The device then explodes in Jim's hand. Jim lets out a squeal of pain and clutches his ruined hand towards his chest. Dwight shifts uneasily in his seat. He's worried that Jim may be catching on to his secret.
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Mar 23, 2023 18:13
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Fun pranks and/or torture fantasies to play on Dwight
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Mar 23, 2023 19:55
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Dwight falls out of a tree while rescuing a baby bird. He breaks both arms and legs. Because of hospital overcrowding, Dwight must share a room with Jim (Jim's legs were horribly mangled in a prank-related catastrophe earlier that week). "Hey, balloon boy!" squeals Jim. "Looks like we're gonna be roomies! I hope you're ready for tonight's Minions marathon!" Jim still has the use of his arms so between the two of them he's the only one who can use the remote. The TV starts blaring Minions: The Rise of Gru and Jim lets out a bray of laughter, spilling popcorn everywhere. He winks at the camera as the crew withdraws from the room at the end of visiting hours.
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Mar 24, 2023 00:58
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https://youtu.be/SdE90SfJZBQ why is Dwight acting like such a weird jerk in this???
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Mar 24, 2023 04:17
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Applewhite posted:https://youtu.be/SdE90SfJZBQ why is Dwight acting like such a weird jerk in this??? looks like a cheap fanfiction video acted by obvious amateurs. kevin is not even eating chilli in this
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Mar 24, 2023 04:32
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Dwight falls out of a tree while rescuing a baby bird. He breaks both arms and legs. Jim comes along to help, but steps on the bird, breaking its wings and legs. "Wow, talk about birds of a feather." Jim mugs at the camera, while eating from a big box of boneless wings from Famous Jim's Fried Chicken.
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Mar 24, 2023 04:43
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"Those aren't boneless chicken wings..." Dwight wheezes for help. "They're just chicken nuggets..." "That's a lie!" Jim sputters out. "There's not a single ounce of chicken in ANY of these boneless wings! It's all pigeon, eagle, condor, and bat!"
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Mar 24, 2023 04:48
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While Dwight is relaxing in a meadow, Jim rushes up behind him and shoves him as hard as he can. Dwight clips through reality itself, ending up in an endless void of white. Wandering for eternity, untethered from the rules of time and space, a now immortal Dwight reflects back on his former life. Jeez, he thinks, that Jim guy was kind of weird.
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Mar 24, 2023 13:49
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Dwight accidentally reveals that he had been pranking himself, much to Jim's chagrin. Dwight mugs at Jim mugging at the camera.
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Mar 24, 2023 14:04
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Jim starts calling himself The Perfect Prank Machine, saying that he's "going hard" on the road to April Fool's Day. The extreme schedule seems to be taking its toll, however, as Jim's increased daily pranks leave him looking exhausted and limping around the office. Dwight jokes that Jim "isn't literally a machine" and suggests he take a day off. Jim frowns. The next day, Jim shows up to work looking a lot better for the most part. However, his skin looks red and swollen in places, and Dwight catches a strange odor. He asks Jim what it is. "Oh, probably my motor oil." With that, Jim tears off his own face, revealing a gleaming metallic skull underneath. He then stands up and strips nude, except for a pair of tennis shoes, revealing that his entire body is now made of metal. "You know," he continues as his metal jaw clacks up and down, "since I'm not LITERALLY a machine! Looks like I fooled you, buddy!" Jim might be mugging for the camera but it's hard to tell on his cold, expressionless robot face.
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Mar 24, 2023 14:12
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Jim spends an entire weekend cutting through carpet, tile, conduit, and rebar-reinforced concrete to install a trapdoor next to the reception desk in Dunder Mifflin. Unfortunately, just as Jim is putting the finishing touches on the trapdoor, he accidentally falls through, dropping a full story into the lobby below and horribly mangling his legs. When Dwight arrives on Monday morning, he sees Jim lying on the ground, screeching in agony. Dwight rushes over to help but as soon as Dwight gets close, Jim slaps him with a pie in the face. Jim grimaces smugly for the camera as Dwight wipes banana cream off his glasses.
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Mar 24, 2023 16:44
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Dwight comes back from his business lunch with a leftover slice of Chili's famous key lime pie. As a gesture of kindness, he offers the slice to his friend Jim. Jim stares Dwight in the eye, and without breaking eye contact and without saying a word, Jim leaps up out of his chair and slaps the box of pie out of Dwight's hands and onto the floor. "Clean up your pie, balloon boy" he bellows as he stomps the box, mashing the pie into the carpet fibers with the heel of his shoe and sending speckles of key lime flying all around the office. Dwight shakes his head. He feels bad for his friend. Losing both legs would be hard on anyone. After the accident, Jim got addicted to pills and his pranks started taking a cruel... Dwight lost his train of thought. Jim's legs... But how did he... The stomping on the pie... What was real? Am I real? Who is... I? In a talking head segment, Jim laughs from his wheelchair and explains how every morning he grinds up some random pills and puts them into Dwight's protein powder. "The jug is probably more pills than protein at this point. Here watch this." Jim stands up and walks over to Dwight's desk, and slaps Dwight across the back of the head. Dwight doesn't seem to notice, or appear to be breathing.
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Mar 24, 2023 18:25
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Jim uses magic to turn Dwight into Mickey Mouse, rendering him impossible to use in any shots of An American Office until the copyright for Mickey Mouse expires in several years.
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Mar 24, 2023 21:38
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Dwight sadly but firmly ejects Jim from his house. The details of the transgression are vague.
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Mar 25, 2023 01:24
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Jim cries as Dwight sends him out. He wonders why Dwight is being so uncharacteristically mean lately.
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Mar 25, 2023 02:34
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Jim ejects Dwight from his (Dwight's) house. Dwight's spine is compressed due to the explosives used in the chair. Dwight now has chronic back pain due to the sudden compression.
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Mar 25, 2023 02:38
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Dwight ejects Jim from his (Dwight’s) spaceship. The cold vacuum of space kills Jim, who is nude except for red tennis shoes. His face is contorted from the decompression effects and freezes into a stretched, elongated smirk, which occasionally appears to be mugging into the pilot’s capsule as his body endlessly orbits the spaceship.
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Mar 25, 2023 03:06
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Applewhite posted:Dwight sadly but firmly ejects Jim from his house. The details of the transgression are vague. Jim, having arrived from Scranton town in a phaeton scarcely before sunset, immediately garnered the dislike of the assembled revelers at Schrute Hall. He first made a mockery of the dancers, saying between great intemperate swallows of Madeira that he would “scarce believe that the Schrutes would be of such a Latin temperament, to play the quadrille rather than an honest English waltz.” He then called the beef “indifferent,” slathering it with such quantities of mustard that the valet was obliged to fetch a fresh pot from storage. By now flush with drink, he proposed a toast “to old Boney and the revolution,” rather scandalizing the encamped regimental officers. Pam, lugubrious in countenance and scarce able to spare a glance in her husband’s direction, was then commanded by him to “play us some sweet air on the pianoforte,” this entreaty being accomplished simultaneously with a rather ungentlemanly swaying of the hips and a pantomiming of the fingers, knocking over the glass of Lord de ––– (seated rather unhappily next to him) and staining crimson a good three feet of English linen. Lord Schrute, hoping to salvage something of the evening, desperately rang the bell for pudding. But instead of the plums soaked in brandy the cook had set aside, he found instead a platter containing a grand quantity of aspic in which were embedded inedible brass fasteners and other accoutrements for the assembly of documents. Dwight believed he even recognized his own pen knife in the center of the mass. Jim, clapping Schrute on the back with all evidence of bonhomie, said that he had “taken a liberty to adjust this paltry dessert, and in so doing much improve it.” He then called some unknown cousin of the cadet branch over to have a cameo drawn of him in his, per Jim, “hour of triumph,” sitting still for an hour or so while this was accomplished, seemingly little concerned that the rest of the guests had long since retired to another room for port and conversation.
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Mar 25, 2023 03:07
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Jim "amonguses" Meredeth. Dwight, the only witness, immediately calls for an emergency meeting, where he frantically informs everyone of what he saw. Jim denies everything and declares Dwight's accusations extremely "sus." Dwight is ejected into space. Jim mugs for the camera as he sneaks up behind Andy while Andy is trying to realign the warp core.
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Mar 25, 2023 04:00
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Jim announces it's time to "roll out the barrel." Dwight is loaded into a barrel cannon from Donkey Kong Country II and fired into a thornbush.
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Mar 26, 2023 00:38
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| # ? Jun 4, 2024 02:06 |
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Dwight sadly but firmly erects Jim in his house. The details of the emission are vague.
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Mar 26, 2023 01:00
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