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Bank posted:I met with some of my wife's acquaintances who I don't consider myself close to. I think we've had a total of 5 conversations lasting more than 30 seconds. Hugging is something that varies sharply from person to person - it's not really weird that she went in for it, if she's that kind of person. But as someone who loves to hug I would find that a bit rude and presumptuous, and it's completely fine that you found it weird. And I'd say you're within your rights, always, to convert that to a fist-bump or handshake or something instead.
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# ? Apr 2, 2023 21:47 |
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# ? Jun 3, 2024 13:28 |
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Some people are just huggers who like hugging people. These days at least where I am most of them explain that and ask first instead of just going in for it but it's not unusual.
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 01:09 |
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I’m a hugger but always ask for verbal consent first with new people.
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 01:29 |
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I'll hug family a lot and friends sometimes. People I don't really have close stuff it'd depend a lot on situation. I don't mind a goodbye hug, but it's much less common than a 'see you around' wave. It really is, as pointed, just on the people and how they are. My ex thought it odd I would hug everyone before leaving a family thing but also I only saw them rarely. But I grew up with hugging being a normal thing when I saw people i was close/familiar with.
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 03:15 |
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In my experience a lot of people want to hug me, and I really don't want to be hugged, or just touched in general. It's pretty rare for someone to ask permission before they go in for a hug, and so sometimes I'm caught off guard and end up in a hug I really don't want to be in.
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 05:17 |
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Dance Officer posted:In my experience a lot of people want to hug me, and I really don't want to be hugged, or just touched in general. It's pretty rare for someone to ask permission before they go in for a hug, and so sometimes I'm caught off guard and end up in a hug I really don't want to be in. Same. I recommend being proactive about it and offering a handshake or whatever you're comfortable with. Worked when I was a child and wanted to stop my relatives from kissing me, works even better as an adult.
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 05:22 |
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Yeah, I saw her making her way over arms out and I just went with it. I personally wouldn't go out and start hugging people. It just feels "intimate" to me; yes, I realize there are different "levels" of hugging but I'm just talking about a general hug. If people do it to me I don't get irked or anything like that, it's just not something I'd do proactively.
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 05:43 |
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Bank posted:I met with some of my wife's acquaintances who I don't consider myself close to. I think we've had a total of 5 conversations lasting more than 30 seconds. Usually, shaking hands is for business life and hugging is for private life - but it depends 100% on the cultural upbringing of the people, so don’t worry if it’s confusing. It can be confusing to anyone. Look at kissing on the cheek etiquette in various Mediterranean countries - that’s a highly complicated science with many regional variations
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 08:12 |
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So this is a thing which I’m not sure is a ‘me’ thing or a more general autism thing, but it just happened again yesterday.. Does anyone else find that sometimes people just instantly open up and seem to super connect/be drawn to you at the very first time you meet? I’m generally /really/ bad at making new friends, starting conversation and the other ins and outs of social intercourse (as to be expected), but sometimes random people will just instantly seem to be drawn into my orbit, latch on and instantly be super close. If I’m being honest most of my closest friends I initially met like this (and pretty much all of them are on the spectrum to a greater or lesser extent). Yesterday I was at work at a local artisanal market (I make and sell fudge for a living- https://www.fudjit.co.uk if you can forgive the plug) and a lady in her sixties came over to check out my stall with her husband (who, thinking about it, was almost non-verbal and very much was giving off spectrum-cues too). Gave her a sample, we started chatting and within minutes I knew her background (father worked at Cornell, she worked at Keele uni, she was American therefore ‘knew’ fudge) and she a fair chunk of my own backstory. She was super intense and really engaged heavily with me for about fifteen minutes or so, bought a load of fudge, asked me to come to a charity quiz she runs (I’m also sponsoring it with some prizes) and after I got home I had several super friendly and enthusiastic multi-paragraph messages on my business Facebook. So yeah. I’ve never met a woman of that age group that so absolutely pings my autism-radar, and while it was a very pleasant conversation and I’m always up to make new friends and contacts it got me to thinking about if it is something about autism, or whether actually that’s just normal interaction and it feeling so strange is a function of my own weirdness! I don’t think I’m really expressing my thoughts super well here, but it’s just a pattern I’ve had occur so many times in my life. My wife teases me that I’m ‘the king of the autists’ due to how this happens so often and the people end up almost enthralled with me (while I’m very much on the spectrum I was also educated and socialised in a British public school, so basically hot-housed to be a leader or officer type, as well as a load of concurrent class based stuff). Which has led me in multiple nerd adjacent spaces with high percentages of autistic folk to end up in leadership roles, build up a huge following of acquaintances and hangers on etc. (And then completely and totally burn out when the inherent contradictions of being autistic, severely anxious and generally socially inept collide with being a leader, but that’s another story) I guess what I’m saying is, do you folks find other autistic people easier to connect with? Are there traits that produce such a strong connection response for you? It’s a pattern I’ve noticed literally my entire life, going back to nursery school for me and I don’t know if it’s a unique personal thing or just how it is for everyone and I’m too solipsistic to realise.
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 11:17 |
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I surely detect them easily and while I actually do feel a connection most of the time I seem to be more enthousiastic about the whole thing than said person. Does really fuel up my imposter syndrome which is always quickly temporary cured after some time with neurotypical people outside my own social circle
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 12:38 |
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Camrath posted:So this is a thing which I’m not sure is a ‘me’ thing or a more general autism thing, but it just happened again yesterday.. Yeah sometimes, for sure. Like there's a little internal click, nothing conscious, just a sort of 'hey you're like me on some level' thing. Also if you like fudge check out Camrath's link there because it really is incredible and he is a Pleasant Chap.
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 12:43 |
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The term you want is double empathy theory/problem. It basically goes along the lines that autism is not actually a communication/social deficit, it's a difference. And not in that condescending "differently abled" sense either, more in the realm of a cultural difference. If autism really was just a deficit, then two autistic people should have even more difficulty communicating/connecting than an autistic and an allistic person. In reality, autistic people tend to connect and understand each other way better than allistic people can understand us. So you're not imagining the feeling of meeting someone who's just on the same wavelength as you.
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 12:50 |
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Organza Quiz posted:The term you want is double empathy theory/problem. It basically goes along the lines that autism is not actually a communication/social deficit, it's a difference. And not in that condescending "differently abled" sense either, more in the realm of a cultural difference. Wow, genuinely thanks- this puts in words something that I’ve struggled to define/explain for ages. Also thanks for the nice words, HopperUK!
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 12:55 |
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Bank posted:I met with some of my wife's acquaintances who I don't consider myself close to. I think we've had a total of 5 conversations lasting more than 30 seconds. I'm in the group of "outgoing autistics" and I am a big hugger, but I also recognize that not everyone likes physical touch and I try to be very cognizant of that. There have been people I've given hugs to and realized that probably didn't want that hug, and just avoid doing that moving forward. Occasionally I'll bring it up and apologize because I'm not the best with recognizing boundaries (shocker!) But overall, I think hugging has become as another poster noted, a more 'private' salutation whereas a handshake is a more formal introduction. Handshakes happen a lot for me on first introduction too, but usually gives way to hugging/high five/whatever. Regardless of all that though, you're not weird for thinking it's weird, not everyone enjoys physical touch for a multitude of reasons and its important for everyone to recognize that
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 14:21 |
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Camrath posted:So this is a thing which I’m not sure is a ‘me’ thing or a more general autism thing, but it just happened again yesterday.. So piggybacking off my last post about being outgoing, this happens so loving much to me and it can be extremely difficult/frustrating. I only have so much social bandwidth in my life and while I'd love to be able to spend time highly engaged with everyone 24/7, that also leads me to burnout and I need to be extremely aware of maintaining that balance so I don't end up shutting down for like a week. I think that previous posters touched on the point that I've noticed about all of the people who latch on to me - they are all neurodivergent in some way, shape or form and I think they are able to quickly tell that I am "different" while also being very outgoing, and they are drawn to that. I think any time an ND can sus out that another person is ND, they are going to switch to communicating on that ND wavelength, which gets them highly engaged in the conversation and person. I know that whenever I recognize that I get to drop my "protective" social mask that holds back some of my "weirder" traits, I end up being insanely engaged in talking with and spending time with that person.
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 14:28 |
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Also, sorry for the barrage of posts but I'm finally getting caught up on replies from over the weekend. I did want to share this though, just to see if anyone has perspective. My mom and sister are/were both teachers who taught kids with special needs primarily. My sister just completed her masters, focused on children with severe autism, like non-verbal and such. All three of us have been diagnosed with ADHD for over a decade (32 years for me!) so like, we're all aware that we're neurodivergent however... My sister has not accepted my ASD diagnosis, thinks the psychologist who did my evaluation was biased coming into it and just does not believe that I have autism. She hasn't come out and said it, but I'm getting the feeling it's because I'm "too social" but also because I've spent a ton of effort and time developing masks to be able to get by in life. I'm also meeting with my mom to discuss the results too, but she's been a lot more open to the diagnosis and recognizes that there are several ASD candidates on both side of my family tree. Does anyone have experience with getting a sibling to believe your diagnosis, specifically a sibling who (I personally think) should be able to understand things, not accepting a diagnosis?
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 14:36 |
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My mother and younger brother were almost completely indifferent but i am pretty sure they're both somewhere on the spectrum as well. They're just not very introspective, the type of people that do not spend much time evaluating their own thoughts and behaviour as far as i can see.
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 14:44 |
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It seems unfortunately pretty common for someone who has developed a lot of expertise in working with, for instance, autistic kids with very high support needs to build up a blind spot about folks who don't match their mental picture of autism. Part of it is just normal monkey brained cognitive distortion-- after all, I know so much about autism and you don't fit in this box I've labeled autism. I think part of it is also a side effect of the medicalized, deficit-focused treatment of autistic folks in most institutional settings making it hard to conceive of autistic adults living normal-rear end lives. And then on the third hand, it's also not uncommon for close relatives of an autistic person to display a certain level of inflexibility, whether or not they themselves would necessarily meet the clinical criteria for ASD. Yay genes! Quorum fucked around with this message at 15:17 on Apr 3, 2023 |
# ? Apr 3, 2023 15:15 |
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My mother (elementary school teacher) initially didn't believe me, but came around to it after reading a couple of books on the subject. I guess she recognized a lot of things from me in those autobiographies, I know I did. That might help with your sister, but of course she'll need to get to the point first where she's willing to entertain the idea that you might be on the spectrum. You say your mom is more open to it, maybe she can help? My sister immediately accepted my diagnosis, and I think she talked with my mother about it. I recently had a friend reveal her own issues to me. She said I was the first person ever to just accept her statement of "I'm pretty sure I have X" and not talk her out of it with stuff like "Oh, that's completely normal, everybody feels that way". Which is really sad. I think having your own experiences with this stuff makes you understand it better, which definitely explains why you get along best with other ND people. If you already know that your brain works different from most people, it's not exactly a huge step to accept that someone else's brain works in a third way that's different both from you and the majority.
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 17:52 |
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Cloacamazing! posted:My mother (elementary school teacher) initially didn't believe me, but came around to it after reading a couple of books on the subject. I guess she recognized a lot of things from me in those autobiographies, I know I did. That might help with your sister, but of course she'll need to get to the point first where she's willing to entertain the idea that you might be on the spectrum. You say your mom is more open to it, maybe she can help? My sister immediately accepted my diagnosis, and I think she talked with my mother about it. Hilariously enough, my mom wants to see me this week so she can talk about my diagnosis and we're doing that the day before I hang out with my sister to talk about it. My mom is currently reading Unmasking Autism and I'm trying to get my sister to read it, but she's doing her usual ADHD "It's too tough to find time to read a book" thing, so I'm trying to push her to listen to the audiobook instead. That book spoke really well to my feelings, experiences and such, and it's helped my partner a lot with understanding where I'm coming from. I've had at least a half dozen friends pull me aside since I posted about my diagnosis and say either they believe they are on the spectrum or that they were diagnosed but aren't public about it for reasons. A bunch of them had the same reactions that your friend did, and for me that's why I'm going to look at my friends and try to see what characteristics fit them, rather than find reasons to say that doesn't fit them. The latter has been my experience a poo poo ton of times throughout my life and I don't want to repeat that experience for others.
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 18:05 |
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Camrath posted:So this is a thing which I’m not sure is a ‘me’ thing or a more general autism thing, but it just happened again yesterday.. This is basically how I've made all my best friends and girlfriends, just instant connection. I used to think it was related to traumatic childhoods or something but now knowing myself better I'm pretty sure they were all ND in one way or another. It's actually kinda annoying because when it comes to dating it feels like I have to go on SO MANY first dates before finding someone I vibe with. Really wish there was an easier way to just meet gobs of single people my age in person so I could get a chemistry check without wasting so much time on every person. bagmonkey posted:Does anyone have experience with getting a sibling to believe your diagnosis, specifically a sibling who (I personally think) should be able to understand things, not accepting a diagnosis? Recently saw my sister for the first time in like 15 years and was not sure how or if to broach the subject. Within an hour of picking her up from the airport she just, unprompted, starting talking about how she had been explaining to her boyfriend why she thinks our whole family is autistic. So I guess no.
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# ? Apr 3, 2023 20:16 |
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Family meeting #1 is done, things with mom went.. great, honestly? She's very accepting of the diagnosis because it helps explain things in my life and helps me ID ways to address issues in my life. She's about 2/3rds through the book and is really fascinated with the concept of neurodiversity, given that she's pretty drat ADHD herself. We discussed family history, found out my one cousin who I kinda knew was on the spectrum is firmly on the spectrum, what does masking mean, some stuff from my childhood that we have WILDLY different memories of and kind of what does the diagnosis mean for the family. And I was very direct with her about what I needed, which is for them to be more understanding when I don't have enough bandwidth to make plans or when I occasionally have to cancel because I just can't. Tonight I'm getting pierogi and brews with my sister at a local brewery to discuss things, this is the conversation I'm sorta nervous about. But my mom said she backs me 100% and even agreed that she doesn't fully understand my sister's objections to it. But she also talked with me a lot about how to lead that conversation with compassion and such, so I'm hoping it'll go well tonight
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# ? Apr 6, 2023 16:37 |
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how do you stop feeling so tired all the time?
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# ? Apr 7, 2023 07:57 |
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Abolish Daylight Savings Time. More seriously, are you getting enough sleep that you're awake in the morning? I didn't even notice how bad the light from the next house over kept me awake until we moved into a place with actual window blinds and I slept like a baby. So if you're having trouble falling asleep or wake up in the night a lot, definitely try making your bedroom as low in sensory input as possible. Consider separate rooms if you share with a partner. I only need that as an emergency option right now, but I used to move myself to the couch if I couldn't fall asleep. If minor adjustments don't help, consider seeing a doctor. Sleep apnea is common. If the problem isn't sleep, if you're like me and wake up with a normal amount of energy, but find that you run out of steam halfway through the day, that's more complicated and I'm still working on it. It's the usual autism problem, where stuff like working at the office requires a bunch of additional energy because I need to keep up my mask of normalcy. And lunch break is actually more stressful than relaxing if I spend it like I'm supposed to, in the cafeteria with my colleagues. I have a hard rule that we can have only one event on weekends. If there's a birthday on Saturday, I'm not meeting people on Sunday. My husband is free (and even encouraged) to go by himself if he wants, but I need one day where I do nothing. For work, I have the downside of working in one of those giant open floor offices straight out of hell, but we can work from home three days out of five. So I've picked Monday and Friday where almost nobody else is there. I find that makes it bearable, but I still have way less energy on office days. It's basically stuff like that, there's no perfect solution, but I'm trying to plan ahead what I need my energy for and avoid things that deplete it too much. Abolishing DST would help though. Only bad sleep I've had since moving was due to that.
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# ? Apr 7, 2023 08:22 |
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It's kinda tired advice, but regular exercise does seem to help me with that as well. Not even a lot, just some calisthenics for up to an hour every other day. It's annoying and I don't like it, but it does make me feel overall more energetic throughout the day, both mentally and physically.
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# ? Apr 7, 2023 09:47 |
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I get really tired for a day after being overstimulated, so if there's anything in your daily environment which bugs you, finding a way to block it out somehow might help (sunglasses, headphones, gloves, etc.). Seconding everyone else's advice as well.
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# ? Apr 7, 2023 11:58 |
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Apart from the obvious culprits like overstimulation and stress, B12 deficiency is also a very common thing in autistic persons and regular shots of it have personally helped me a lot. With tiredness I mean, and general weird nervous problems.
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# ? Apr 7, 2023 19:43 |
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lllllllllllllllllll posted:How did and do you feel about SA's and the internet's general use of the word autistic as narrow-minded and obviously ignoring the human/emotional aspect of something? It's funny I kinda brought up something to my therapist one day. I was killing time in some CS deathmatch and someone called me autistic because of a response to a statement, so I talked poo poo to them for a few mins and quit playing. spent the last 2 mins just on the mic explaining how they were going to lose to an autistic person that didn't even play the full match. Most ppl run the same weaps and skip knowing how to use everything and capitalize on bonus points for random. The point being the ignorance of using it as an insult. It's largely ignorance in my opinion, because I don't want to think that the majority of people are intentionally hateful. But I do think people are naturally so self obsessed to not consider the things they say. While typing this someone in a show said 'autism scare' and I fully hate that phrasing.
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# ? Apr 7, 2023 22:24 |
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In reality, of course, an autism scare is when someone drops by your house unannounced
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# ? Apr 7, 2023 23:24 |
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Quorum posted:In reality, of course, an autism scare is when someone drops by your house unannounced lol this
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# ? Apr 7, 2023 23:37 |
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Met with my sister and there were absolutely no nuclear explosions and it.. actually went pretty good? She was very worried about my diagnosis becoming something I would use to like, not go to events or whatever, idk, I don't get it but she now gets that this diagnosis really just helps me better understand myself and find ways to deal with things. She's going to send me some articles about like childhood trauma and some other stuff she wants me to look into, on the flip side she promised to read the book I recommended and a couple of articles I need to dig up. Feelin' much better now!!
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# ? Apr 7, 2023 23:39 |
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Do any of you get monetary compensation, like handicap benefits? I do, and it's more than enough to live on I feel, not that I live in any way luxuriously. But if I wanted to work there is no way that I could handle a full-time job, but because of the money I get there is little to no advantage to work half-time if only for the bureaucracy involved. To be honest I get so many health problems and stress related poo poo just by living that actually working for a living seems far-fetched but I do realise I live a privilege just by getting money for existing. Constant isolation might be driving me insane though. I think my question was, can you handle work/people or would you be more content just getting enough to get by and not do all that poo poo. Which one od those would you prefer?
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# ? Apr 7, 2023 23:41 |
I would love to get disability but I am forced to deal with people at work instead
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# ? Apr 7, 2023 23:53 |
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I like having a job but it's absolutely definitely not for everybody. I would only recommend it if one of your hyperfocuses is people and interpersonal relationships (mine is)
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# ? Apr 7, 2023 23:56 |
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Sterf posted:Do any of you get monetary compensation, like handicap benefits? I do, and it's more than enough to live on I feel, not that I live in any way luxuriously. But if I wanted to work there is no way that I could handle a full-time job, but because of the money I get there is little to no advantage to work half-time if only for the bureaucracy involved. To be honest I get so many health problems and stress related poo poo just by living that actually working for a living seems far-fetched but I do realise I live a privilege just by getting money for existing. Constant isolation might be driving me insane though. I have been kinda struggling with this question myself from the other end: should I try to get on disability and stop working? I'm currently unemployed and have been struggling for a long time to get my poo poo together and find a new job. It actually feels kinda ridiculous because I'm qualified for some incredibly high paying and cool sounding jobs but I don't know if I can actually work them for more than a year or two without suffering a major burnout. I have burned out hard multiple times before and honestly the idea of getting a monthly check that covers my needs and having the time to pursue my passions sounds kinda great. I think my stress levels would plummet. Just the idea of looking into the process feels daunting to my ADHD rear end, but also I kinda want to get the hell out of the USA and that would be much much easier if I was gainfully employed and not legally disabled. It feels like every option in front of me right now is littered with things I'm not equipped to handle. Especially after getting COVID, I never fully recovered and have like half of the energy I used to.
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# ? Apr 8, 2023 00:12 |
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nevermind
Sterf fucked around with this message at 08:16 on Apr 8, 2023 |
# ? Apr 8, 2023 00:28 |
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I’ve been searching the local jobs market ever since I decided I couldn’t keep working at my old toxic workplace but a slow 6 months long burnout there hasn’t been any easier to recover from than the 2 weeks flaming disaster of my first burnout. I was out of work that time for just over a year but now it’s over 3 years and I haven’t found anything I am vaguely capable of doing. Every slightly promising job, upon closer inspection looks either like a scam or someone cutting corners and trying to hire one person to do 5 people’s jobs. For example, I got really excited about an apprenticeship type of job repairing mobility scooters, it seemed like a good foot in the door to some hands on semi-technical work. However, in the fine print they also wanted the applicant to answer phones and do customer service, manage the stock levels in the warehouse, drive to clients across the state to pick up and deliver the vehicles, and then to also act in a salesperson capacity of demonstrating the vehicles. Way too much, too broad, and of course it would be all underpaid on apprentice wages. I wouldn’t care about being underpaid if I was just part time in a back room changing tyres on scooters, but for the actual role as advertised I already know my sanity can’t handle being spread that thin and no amount of money is worth the attempt. The work from home market seems impossible to break into as a newbie at this point, tons of pyramid schemes disguised as “training opportunities” or outright scams where one person running a “business” is outsourcing all the work to disjointed internet “subcontractors” for $6 an hour. I don’t have any income at all and I feel like a drain on my poor partner who is having mental health issues of their own, really shouldn’t be working and should be focusing on stability and recovery. We’ve got savings and no debt, we aren’t in financial danger (yet) but I would love to be able to contribute to a positive cash flow. I don’t think I know how any more. It’s not that I don’t like dealing with people, I really enjoy it but it takes so much out of me that it isn’t sustainable as a regular thing. And I don’t have an official diagnosis but does that even matter? It’s not like they give you a “Certified Autist” certificate to print and attach to your resume when you apply for a job. All I ever wanted was to get really good at one thing, and then to do that thing over and over.
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# ? Apr 8, 2023 09:06 |
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I work 30 hours a week and it's just about the maximum I can do. In the sense that I leave work really tired and I don't have the energy to do much else. The problem is such that I'm really hesitant with trying out romantic engagement because I just don't see myself having the energy for it. If I could get disability to step in so I could go to a ~25 hour week without loss of income, it's probably what I'd do. Edit: I'd still work, though. I like the job that I do, and I take pride in doing what I do. Dance Officer fucked around with this message at 11:03 on Apr 8, 2023 |
# ? Apr 8, 2023 10:59 |
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Sterf posted:Do any of you get monetary compensation, like handicap benefits? I do, and it's more than enough to live on I feel, not that I live in any way luxuriously. But if I wanted to work there is no way that I could handle a full-time job, but because of the money I get there is little to no advantage to work half-time if only for the bureaucracy involved. To be honest I get so many health problems and stress related poo poo just by living that actually working for a living seems far-fetched but I do realise I live a privilege just by getting money for existing. Constant isolation might be driving me insane though. My friend, if you're feeling lonely and isolated, the solution isn't "I wish I had to sell my life to a corporation for ten dollars an hour", it's finding friends. I've had great luck with meeting other people who share my interests, in no small part because many of them are also queer and/or neurodivergent. Whether that be in meatspace or through the internet really depends on your hobbies and interests and the nature of your health problems, but there are much easier, better, and healthier ways of addressing the isolation you're dealing with.
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# ? Apr 8, 2023 12:26 |
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# ? Jun 3, 2024 13:28 |
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I'd LOVE not to be able to work. I don't hate my job but gently caress I'd love to not have to go, not to have to deal with people, to do my hobbies instead.
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# ? Apr 8, 2023 12:33 |