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Jim explains mortality to Dwight.
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Apr 12, 2023 18:06
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| # ? May 30, 2024 15:50 |
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Jim invites the office to his one man show - Swimming to Pranktopia. Dwight is the only one who shows up (in fact he's the only person in the theater) but he still politely takes his seat and prepares for the show. The lights come on, revealing Jim sitting at a small writing desk with a stack of papers on it. "So I grew up in the suburbs of Scranton. White. Middle class. You know the story. Dad had a secret love affair with Mr. Jack Daniels, of course. Mom pretended she didn't know, hiding behind a to-do list that was a mile long every single day. Of course, none of that list involved 'loving your son', but live and learn, I guess. Anyway, I remember one day Dad brought home a gallon of ice cream from the store. Neapolitan. You know - three strips of deliciousness, assuming you like chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla. Me? I was always more of a vanilla kid. Sure, I dabbled in the world of chocolate here and there. But strawberry? Brother, it might as well have been broccoli ice cream in there." Jim takes a long sip of water and smacks his lips as Dwight shifts in his seat and discretely looks at the program in his hand. He notices that the show is 4 hours long without an intermission. "Anyway, dad brings home this ice cream. 2/3rds of which I'm quite excited to chow down on. But as soon as Dad sets it down, I notice something a little odd. I don't recognize the logo on this ice cream. It's not any of the major brands. It's not even the local grocery store brand. Heck, it's not even the off-brand cheapo one at the bottom of the ice cream case. So I start thinking to myself, 'self, what's going on with this ice cream?' Well, I get a little closer and start to read the label." Dwight hides a yawn with the back of his hand and tries to get comfortable in his seat.
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Apr 12, 2023 18:40
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Jim begins referring to Dwight as “daddy” in a childlike voice, discomforting those around him
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Apr 12, 2023 19:40
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any time dwight bends at the hips - even a fraction of a degree - jim appears and mockingly pelvic thrusts behind dwight. it's uncanny. jim can be verified to be lurking in the paper warehouse, or hanging out on the bench opposite the office, but as soon as dwight bends slightly - bam, jim is there, thrusting away jim doesn't seem to need to be awake, or even physically capable of performing the thrusting motion. for example, jim broke both his legs during an ill-advised prank where jim planned to leap from the top of the office onto dwight's back and ride him, dwight, as his, jim's, steed. nevertheless, even with multiple compound fractures, jim was able to get behind dwight as he, dwight, attempted to see to jim's wounds. late at night, dwight ponders how on earth this is happening. dwight is awake to do this because he unwisely relaxed slightly in his sleep, and now his mattress is lumpen and writhing up against him. rigidly eating lunch at the kitchen counter, dwight considers an experiment. the moon is about 1.3 light seconds away; mars is about three light-minutes away. if jim's powers are as they seem, jim could absorb information - say, "heads", or "tails" from a coin flip - and pass it to dwight before light could get to him. this would break causality, with potentially colossal ramifications for physics, philosophy, and dwight is interrupted at this point, as he reached slightly too far for a napkin. he eventually hashes out the details of the experiment in between meetings. as elon musk is, for some reason, present in the office, it's relatively straightforward for dwight to arrange to be taken to mars. the difficulty is in remaining ramrod straight for months on end, as were jim to appear on the spacecraft too soon, the experiment would be ruined. dwight is kept sedated and held in place by machinery. a carefully synced atomic clock fires the serum into his veins that awakens dwight an hour before the experiment is to take place. tragedy strikes, however, as a buffered message in the comms log indicates that they have had to abort. jim died five weeks ago of a massive heart attack, presumably brought on from a diet of nothing but foul pizza. jim was buried a month ago in scranton cemetary in shock, unable to take this news in, dwight leans closer to the comms monitor
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Apr 12, 2023 19:53
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lol dammit, Jim
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Apr 13, 2023 00:46
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Dwight stubs his toe on the corner of his desk. Jim's face lights up with delight. He pulls a tiny violin out of his breast pocket and begins playing it. Jim has been playing the tiny violin every time Dwight suffers a misfortune all week. "My contacts at Scranton memorial hospital say Dwight's beloved great aunt is in hospice care," Jim says in a talking head segment. "I can't wait to play at her funeral." Jim mugs for the camera.
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Apr 13, 2023 02:09
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Dwight grows ever more fed up with Jim's constant playing of the world's smallest violin whenever Dwight is confronted with even a mild inconvenience. He begins to plot revenge. "Hey Jim!" Dwight shouts. "Last one down the stairs is a rotten egg!" "You're on!" Jim shouts before plummeting down the stairs, crashing in to each one on the way down and breaking nearly every bone in his body (Jim launched towards the staircase before he remembered that his legs were horribly mangled). Dwight smirks from the top of the stairs. With a cold smile, relishing the moment, Dwight reaches in his pocket and pulls out the second smallest violin in the world. As Jim sobs, his body a broken heap, Dwight mockingly plays a sad tune. "Dwight!" A furious Michael saw the entire incident, and begins shouting from just behind Dwight. "I can't believe you could do such a thing to our injured friend! You're not the man I thought you were! You're fired!" Dwight tries to stammer a protest but is interrupted by the high pitched song of a tiny violin echoing up the stairs.
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Apr 13, 2023 05:03
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Jim heads to the Scranton Convention Center for their annual End of Winter Hot Tub Blowout Bonanza. He walks around to each and every booth and talks to every salesman, telling each of them that his name is Dwight Schrute, he's very interested in a hot tub, and that he'd like them to call him on Monday to discuss the financing available for the most expensive and luxurious hot tubs available. He then gives them all Dwight's office number, but says that if that's busy they should call him on his cell phone. Monday morning comes and Dwight's phones are both inundated with calls. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Apr 13, 2023 12:19
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Jim lends Dwight his install disk for Overwatch. Dwight comments that it appears to be a burned CD-R disk with "ovarwatch" scrawled on top with black sharpie but Jim insists the game came that way. It takes Dwight several days to find a store that even sells disk readers anymore. After he aquires one, when he inserts the disk, windows explorer opens and he sees a single file - setup.mp3. Dwight clicks it and his home office is filled with a symphony of bass boosted farts.
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Apr 13, 2023 13:31
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Jim emails Dwight the Wikipedia link to Roko's Basilisk.
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Apr 13, 2023 14:06
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Jim pushes Dwight down a flight of stairs. "I warned you about stairs, Balloon Boy!", he cackles. Indeed, Jim has spent much of the past week warning Dwight about stairs. Dwight takes note of the day, and realized he really should have seen this coming.
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Apr 13, 2023 14:21
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It's April 8th, 2024. The office is buzzing about the solar eclipse taking place. Angela called out, mumbling something about witches. But the rest of the office congregates on the roof of the building to get a good view of the action. Jim hands out eclipse glasses, they appear flimsy but the tinted film does seem to dim the sun. Dwight watches in amazement as the moon passes across the sky, blocking the sun in it's entirety. The sudden coolness in the air and the hush from the birds and insects makes goosebumps rise on his arms. the sun's corona can be seen encircling the dark of the moon, the circle representing the connection Dwight has to his primal ancestors and the love he has for his friends and family, with no sharp edges and no beginning and no end. After a few minutes, the moon continues on it's path and the brilliant sun shines again. Dwight takes off his glasses and blinks, but his vision is still blurry and spotted. He squeezes his eyes shut for a second and rubs them, but still his eyes ache and he can only make out fuzzy shapes. The next day at his urologist / optomitrist appointment, Dr. Plim sounds very concerned as Dwight's eyes have crusted over. "Mr Schrute, you have the most severe case of retina thermal burns I've ever seen. I'm sorry Mr. Schrute. Your eyeballs have to be amputated before they turn gangrene. I warned you, I wanted everyone about staring into the sun. Indeed, Dwight remembered the numerous warnings from the past week about the dangers of staring into the eclipse without proper eyewear. Dwight realizes he really should have seen this coming, but now he'll never see anything ever again.
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Apr 13, 2023 14:59
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Jim convinces Dwight's urologist to change his (the urologist's) name to "Curologist" so that Dwight will sound like a liar the next time he (Dwight) makes a urology appointment.
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Apr 13, 2023 17:27
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Due to a particularly nasty string of pranks, Dwight needs to visit his dentist Dr. Crentist, his urologist Dr. Curologist, his oncologist Dr. Croncologist and his ophthalmologist Dr. Crophthalmologist on the same workday. He is fired for obvious fraud. Jim shrugs and mugs for the camera.
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Apr 13, 2023 18:58
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Dwight gets up to go to the bathroom, making absolutely sure he's locked his computer and removed his ID from the card reader and placed the plastic protector over the keyboard and stored his chair in a locked closet and sprayed himself with bee repellent. While Dwight is away, Jim calls Dr. Crocktologist's office from Dwight's cellphone (stolen earlier) and cancels Dwight's upcoming appointments.
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Apr 13, 2023 20:38
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Jim takes a dump on Dwight's windshield while smirking impishly at the camera. Dwight: Michael! MICHAEL!
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Apr 14, 2023 01:49
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Dwight catches Jim sneaking around Schrute Farm carrying bagfuls of turds to hide like easter eggs. "He's been making GBS threads in ziploc bags for weeks," says Pam tearfully in a talking head segment. "I don't care that Dwight took my turds away," Jim tells the camera. "I can always make more." Jim smirks as he dumps a fresh load of poo poo into the seat of his pants.
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Apr 14, 2023 02:16
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Dwight’s soul is filled with dread after strange graffiti appears on the side of his barn reading “JIM IS”. Jim is what? A god? A devil? All powerful? All seeing? Jim is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end, the Big Bang and the Final Entropy. Jim is a paper salesman who dreamt of being a god and transformed himself into one. Jim is a malevolent trickster spirit, bound to the flesh of a floppy man. Jim is a tortured soul, driven to dark deeds by forces beyond his comprehension. The simple phrase terrifies Dwight with its unending possibilities; truly Jim could be all things. Fearing what Jim may have become, Dwight retreats to his best cellar and seals himself away, preparing for the upcoming apocalypse. 11 minutes later Jim shows up with a fresh can of spray paint and finishes his graffiti. JIM IS COOL reads the barn. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Apr 14, 2023 03:06
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Jim slips in a few fake post-it notes among the real ones on Dwight's monitor so that Dwight won't know which of his reminders are real and which are traps set by Jim.
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Apr 14, 2023 13:34
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Jim launches a new "Woke-Free" beer which can only be purchased online. A concerned Dwight investigates and finds that Jim is just repackaging industrial runoff from the newest Famous Original Jim's. He prepares to shut down the deadly operation when a single, wicked thought slips into his mind - what if he just let the poison get shipped out? Who's drinking this stuff, what value do they bring to the world? Dwight quickly pushes this thought away but grows concerned that these moments are happening a bit more often lately. Jim mugs for the camera, as the beer production was just an excuse to try and make Dwight doubt himself. And it worked perfectly.
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Apr 14, 2023 13:48
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Schrute's open-top 1961 Lincoln Continental four-door convertible limousine entered Dealey Plaza at 12:30 p.m. CST. Holly Scott, the First Lady of Texas, turned to Kennedy, who was sitting behind her, and commented, "Mr. Schrute, you can't say Dallas doesn't love you". Schrute's reply – "No, you certainly can't" – were his last words. From Houston Street, the limousine made the planned left turn onto Elm en route to the Stemmons Freeway. As it turned, it passed by the Texas School Book Depository, and as it continued down Elm Street, shots were fired. About 80% of the witnesses recalled hearing three shots. A Mannlicher-Carcano rifle and three shell casings were also found near an open window on the book depository's sixth floor. Shortly after Schrute began waving, a few witnesses recognized the first gunshot for what it was, but there was little reaction from most in the crowd or those riding in the motorcade. Many later said they imagined what they heard to be a firecracker, or a vehicle backfiring. The Warren Commission—based on the Zapruder film—found that the limousine had traveled an average speed of 11.2 miles per hour (18.0 km/h) over the 186 ft (57 m) of Elm Street immediately preceding the fatal head shot. Texas School Book Depository employee Andy Bernard testified that he recognized Halpert as someone whom he saw on the sixth floor twice before the assassination took place. Within one second of each other, Governor Scott and Mrs. Schrute turn abruptly from looking to their left to looking to their right, beginning at Zapruder film frame 162. Scott, like Schrute, was a World War II military veteran, and was a longtime hunter; he testified that he immediately recognized the sound as that of a high-powered rifle, and turned his head and torso rightward to see Schrute behind him. He testified he could not see Schrute, so he then started to turn forward again (turning from his right to his left), and that when his head was facing about 20 degrees left of center, he was hit in his upper right back by a bullet that he did not hear fired. The doctor who operated on Scott estimated that his head at the time he was hit had been 27 degrees left of center. After Scott was hit, he shouted, "Oh, no, no, no. My God. They're going to kill us all!" Mrs. Scott testified that just after hearing a loud, frightening noise that came from somewhere behind her and to her right, she turned toward Schrute and saw him raise up his arms and elbows, with his hands in front of his face and throat. She then heard another shot and then Governor Scott yelling. Mrs. Scott then turned away from Schrute toward her husband, at which point another gunshot sounded, and both she and the limousine's rear interior were covered with fragments of skull, blood, and brain. According to the Warren Commission and the House Select Committee on Assassinations, Schrute was waving to the crowds on his right with his right arm upraised on the side of the limo when a shot entered his upper back, penetrated his neck and slightly damaged a spinal vertebra and the top of his right lung. The bullet exited his throat nearly centerline just beneath his larynx and nicked the left side of his suit tie knot. He raised his elbows and clenched his fists in front of his face and neck, then leaned forward and left. Mrs. Schrute, facing him, then put her arms around him in concern.
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Apr 14, 2023 13:53
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Applewhite posted:Jim slips in a few fake post-it notes among the real ones on Dwight's monitor so that Dwight won't know which of his reminders are real and which are traps set by Jim. Jim (dressed in a train engineer costume, complete with striped overalls and cap, red bandana, and oil can) rummages frantically through his disguise closet. "P-a-a-a-a-a-m!" Jim shrieks. "What happened to my cow disguise? The one with the pressurized fart canister?" "It's at the cleaners," replies Pam. "Are you kidding me?" Jim's voice cracks with frustration. "Why would you send it to the cleaners?" Pam can't keep a triumphant smirk off her face. "You told me you were absolutely sure that Dwight would fall for the train trip, remember? And when I told you that there was no way Dwight would believe he'd bought tickets to ride the Atchison Topeka and Santa Fe train to River City, Iowa, you called me a 'retardicus maximus.' Remember?" Jim's face turns stoplight red. "Yeah well now he's on his way to chaperone an orphanage field trip to a dairy farm and those kids are about to NOT get blasted with cow farts!" "Why don't you use the milkmaid outfit with the inflating breasts?" asks Pam. "Because Dwight's already seen that one, you retardicus maximus!" screeches Jim. Pam looks Jim right in the eye as she drops the inflating milkmaid chest piece on the ground and leaves the room. Jim hears her bedroom door slam upstairs and knows she won't be any more help. "Dairy farms have minotaurs, right?" Jim mutters to himself as he taps his chin. "Maybe Dwight and the kids get chased by a minotaur..." Meanwhile, Dwight is leading the children of the Scranton Orphanage in a rousing chorus of "There Was a Farmer Had a Dog and Bingo Was His Name-O."
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Apr 14, 2023 15:57
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A few weeks into Jim's "Zany Halpert's Wacky Taffy" prank, and Dwight's put on a few pounds. Jim keeps calling him "Dwide Shrute", which makes him self conscious. The strange part is that every time Jim makes a fat joke, an uproarious laugh track erupts.
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Apr 14, 2023 16:11
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Jim announces a new special at Famous Original Jim's - Death By Chocolate. Dwight, always a fan of sweets, decides to check it out. As he steps into the restaurant, Jim stabs him with a knife made out of white chocolate. A dying Dwight complains that white chocolate isn't truly chocolate, which just causes Jim to mug even harder.
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Apr 14, 2023 16:45
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Jim orders a custom engineered compression spring. He sends an RFQ to multiple manufacturers with his desired specifications. Most fab shops decline to bid outright, claiming they can't accept the liability of building what would legally be classified as a weapon of mass destruction. Eventually Jim finds a shop willing to build his spring in sections, so he places the order. 18-24 months later the oversized flatbed trucks begin delivering the springs. Each section weighs 40 tons, has an inner diameter of over six feet, and is made of 99% tungsten. Jim begins the delicate process of welding the sections together, and six months later his ultimate prank is ready. On Monday morning March 20th, the first day of spring, Jim waits by the elevator. When the elevator doors open and Dwight is about to step out, Jim screams "HAPPY SPRING" and a giant red boxing glove comes hurtling toward Dwight. The force of the hit is over 70,000,000, psi. The impact creates a pressure wave that devistates Scranton, uprooting trees and destroying buildings, sending deadly shrapnel and debris swirling in a mushroom cloud that can be seen for hundreds of miles.
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Apr 14, 2023 20:07
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jim pours scalding hot gravy into dwight's lap, as a prank
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Apr 14, 2023 20:43
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Jim legally changes Dwight’s name to Dwight Poop. ever a stickler for the rules (and told that changing his name back will take several months because of how overloaded the court system is because of a deluge of lawsuits against Famous Jims), Dwight reluctantly orders new business cards and updates his voicemail message.
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Apr 14, 2023 20:52
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Jim declares he's doing all his shopping exclusively on "Mammoth Nation" AKA "Amazon for Conservatives." Elon Musk (dressed as Waluigi) nods approvingly from the shadows. Dwight, who has been refracted through a magic prism into seven different aspects of his personality, each represented by a different color of the rainbow, has mixed feelings about Jim's announcement and the disagreement among the Dwights quickly devolves into fisticuffs.
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Apr 15, 2023 00:17
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Red Dwight is angry Dwight Orange Dwight is confidant Dwight Yellow Dwight is happy Dwight Green Dwight is envious Dwight Blue Dwight is depressed Dwight Indigo Dwight is mellow Dwight Violet Dwight is horny Dwight
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Apr 15, 2023 00:37
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Dwight walks into work only to be confronted by a dairy cow standing behind Jim's desk. The cow lifts its tail and blasts a huge fart that blows Meredith off her chair. Meredith must be taken to the hospital. Jim smirks from behind the eyes of his cow costume.
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Apr 15, 2023 00:53
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Violet Dwight is engaged to Oscar, but Jim keeps going over to Oscar’s desk to chat and flirt. A few weeks before the wedding, Jim kisses Oscar, and Oscar calls off his wedding with Dwight. But instead of dating Oscar, Jim moves to Harrisburg and starts dating a state senator.
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Apr 15, 2023 01:31
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Jim is dressed in a "Let's Go Brandon" t-shirt and racist pants with a slur against Italian Americans on the seat. He wears no shoes. It's Dwight's wedding and Jim somehow manages to appear in every single photograph of the event.
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Apr 15, 2023 01:59
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Jim is dressed in a "Let's Go Brandon" t-shirt and racist pants with a slur against Italian Americans on the seat. He wears no shoes. It's Dwight's funeral and Jim somehow manages to appear in every single photograph of the event.
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Apr 15, 2023 03:39
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Jim tells Dwight that if he (Jim) didn't exist, that Dwight would have instead had his life constantly ruined by Michael's inane team-building and business ideas or Pam's unwanted affection like she was some yandere character. "You need me, Dwight. Without me, you'd be constantly brought low by a pathetic imbecile or a love sick manga nerd. I'm doing you a favor because you get to tell yourself at the end of every day that you're life sucks because of Jim Halpert and you get to wear that like a badge of honor..." Dwight has no response to this, and quietly goes back to entering orders on his computer.
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Apr 15, 2023 06:13
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Jim retroactively erases himself from existence, but doesn't erase any of his pranks. A documentary team comes to Dunder Mifflin to record the strange phenomenon of Dwight Schrute, a man who is appears to be the victim of constant, spontaneous pranks. Even with cameras watching Dwight nonstop from multiple angles, science is at a loss to explain what is causing these pranks. Dwight slips on a roller skate and falls down the stairs into a kiddie pool full of soup. A careful frame by frame analysis of the fall reveals that the roller skate was not there until the instant Dwight stepped on it. Nobody knows where the pool of soup came from, either. Nobody mugs for the camera.
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Apr 15, 2023 12:04
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Jim announces his presidential campaign, vowing to transform the US into a "pranktopia." Dwight laughs at him. Nobody as ridiculous as Jim could ever be president. By November, Dwight isn't laughing any more.
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Apr 15, 2023 12:28
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Applewhite posted:Jim retroactively erases himself from existence, but doesn't erase any of his pranks. With no answers from the Dwight mystery, the documentary decides to instead investigate “Famous Original’s”, an unmanned pizza shop that spontaneously produces the worst pizza in all of Scranton, possibly all of Pennsylvania, including the new “Nothinger than Nothing” pizza.
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Apr 15, 2023 12:30
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Jim rebrands his food truck as “Eat at Jim’s”, a “throwback to the idyllic ‘50s” thst serves “nothing but burgers”. The only burgers Jim serves, however, are “nothingburgers”. After the entire office staff pays, Jim closes the food truck window and drives off, giving them nothing and laughing. Oscar tries to turn the incident into a small parable about how the 1950s weren’t actually the idyllic paradise for many women and minorities that popular consciousness would have you believe, but everyone is too grumpy and hungry to listen to him.
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Apr 15, 2023 13:52
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Jim rebrands his food truck as “Eat at Jim’s”, a “throwback to the idyllic ‘50s” that serves “nothing but burghers”. Dwight, who lives outside of town and is thus not a "burgher," is denied service. Dwight looks on sadly as everyone else enjoys delicious tacos. Dwight can't even get someone to buy a taco for him because the tacos are too delicious to share. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Apr 15, 2023 14:06
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| # ? May 30, 2024 15:50 |
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Jim rebrands his food truck as “Eat at Jim’s”, a “throwback to the idyllic ‘50s” that serves “nothing but Hamburger”. Jim drives his truck toward the ocean, seeking to drive all the way to the German city of Hamburger, where he exclusively intends to set up shot. Dwight never sees him again.
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Apr 15, 2023 14:24
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