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Jim accuses Dwight of riffraff and tomfoolery. Dwight is shocked to learn of an obscure Pennsylvania puritan era law from 1645, declaring the procedure for a tomfoolery accusation is to be layed on his back naked with a board on top of him, with heavy rocks to be placed on the board until the accused confesses to tomfoolery, or until death. Conveniently for the court, the punishment for someone who confesses to tomfoolery is death by rock crushing. To his dying breath, Dwight never confesses to the crime of which he was accused. His last words were "more weight."
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Apr 20, 2023 22:04
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| # ? May 30, 2024 23:31 |
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Jim promises Dwight that he won't pull away the football again. Dwight sprints toward Jim at full speed, ready to kick the football Jim's holding. Jim pulls away the football at the last second, causing Dwight to fall flat on his back. "Good grief," sighs Dwight.
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Apr 20, 2023 22:47
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Jim declares he's "going all out" because he "wants to get cancelled." Dwight has been dead for ninety million years.
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Apr 21, 2023 01:52
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Dwightosaurus looks up to the sky and sees the meteor entering Earth's atmosphere. The meteor has Jim's face and winks to camera.
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Apr 21, 2023 02:41
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Jim tucks Dwight into bed without reading him a bedtime story.
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Apr 21, 2023 03:02
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Jim says “Bye Michael, bye Andy, bye Pam,” as he leaves for the day. Dwight is sitting right there.
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Apr 21, 2023 03:20
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Ryan declares he's "going all out" because he "wants to get cancelled." He burrows his face in the pile of cocaine spilling over his desk and inhales (a present from the cocaine bats). Infused with insane stamina, Ryan shouts “Say ‘Hello’ to my little friend!” before diving out the window and running naked (except for blue tennis shoes) down the highway to meet his friend Troy in New York City. Jim, inexplicably disguised as a toilet (a fact which is never mentioned or alluded to), states in a talking head segment that Ryan has lately been acting “a little weird.”
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Apr 21, 2023 05:37
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Jim steals Dwight's credit card in order to sign Dwight up for daily newspaper delivery. Then Jim also steals the paper before Dwight can get it.
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Apr 21, 2023 06:39
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Jim places a piece of tape over the sensor of Dwight's mouse. This causes him multiple seconds of frustration until he discovers the issue. Jim mugs the camera.
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Apr 21, 2023 14:53
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Jim places a VHS tape under the sensor of Dwight's mouse. Dwight isn't fooled even for a moment, but he is extremely distressed when he discovers the VHS is a home video recording of Jim making tender, yet passionate love to Dwight's computer mouse. Jim mugs the camera as Dwight rushes to the bathroom to wash his (Dwight's) hands.
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Apr 21, 2023 15:02
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the most disturbing part of the tape is that the mouse is clearly enjoying Jim’s body as much as he, Jim, is enjoying the mouse
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Apr 21, 2023 15:11
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Jim opens every chess game against Dwight with pawn to a4. Despite Dwight's most cunning stratagems and counters, Jim always wins. "I just run a chess app on my phone and check the moves when Dwight isn't looking," explains Jim as Dwight tears his hair out in the background.
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Apr 21, 2023 16:56
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Jim accuses Dwight of inappropriate sexual contact and Dwight is suspended with pay while Toby conducts an investigation. Even though Dwight is quickly cleared and allowed to return to the office with corporates apologies, the nickname Jim coined - Dwight the Diddler- follows Dwight around for the rest of his career.
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Apr 21, 2023 17:15
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Jim hacks into Michael’s GPS and makes him drive into a lake. Dwight, in the passenger seat, quickly reaches for the handle. But Jim also hacked the locks, and made sure the doors can’t open. The car begins sinking ominously below the surface as Dwight struggles to stay calm.
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Apr 21, 2023 17:32
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As a revenge prank, Dwight installs hundreds of cameras in the office so Jim will have to mug to each and every one of them
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Apr 21, 2023 22:00
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In response to Dwight's "multi camera" prank, Jim evolves bulbous compound eyes so that he can look into every camera simultaneously.
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Apr 21, 2023 22:31
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Dwight clones himself and sits at his desk as Dwight Prime, and shows Pam how to save a bunch of mp3s to her new Russian MP3 player as Dwight 2. Dwight 2 drops the MP3 player and bends over to pick it up, exposing his rear end right within kicking distance of Jim; at the exact same time as Dwight Prime makes absolutely, positively sure to lock his computer as he gets up to use the bathroom. Jim is literally torn between two pranks. With a ripping squelch and a spray of blood, Jim’s body rips in half.
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Apr 22, 2023 01:19
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Dwight buys his ticket to Evil Dead Rise, but finds his weed vape battery died. Jim mugs the camera with bloodshot eyes.
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Apr 22, 2023 02:22
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Jim invents a new “workout” variant of suede boot, which he calls Ugg’s for sports. You can take them running, to the gym, or for any active lifestyle. According to his calculations these boots let you run and jump further and faster than ever before, so he calls his new company Ath-Leap. He quits his job with Dunder-Mifflin and decides to go full time into shoemaking. Jim says his goodbyes at the office and prepares to take a taxi to the airport so he can fly to Bali, where he’s going to “take some action shots” of his prototype Ugg’s for the gym “really showing their soles.” (Pam left when Jim spend their last three thousand dollars of a new expensive camera). Dwight is a little concerned and wants to make sure Jim is okay. “Are you feeling alright?” Jim assures Dwight that he’s never felt better. “Did you think this through? You don’t even have a suitcase. All I see is a small backpack. Is that what you’re bringing to Bali? What’s inside?” Jim replies, “Gym Ugg’s, the camera.”
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Apr 22, 2023 13:20
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oh my god
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Apr 22, 2023 16:10
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It's been almost a full day without Jim playing a prank on Dwight and Ryan's skin is starting to itch. Jim, who has been secreted into the crawlspace above Dwight's desk since 1am, mugs for the camera through the vent grille as he prepares to drop a rubber spider down the back of Dwight's shirt.
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Apr 23, 2023 21:23
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Jim stuffs Dwight in a turtle shell and knocks him back and forth between two bricks.
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Apr 24, 2023 01:07
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Jim, whose voice inexplicably sounds like Chris Pratt (disguised as a toilet), tells Dwight that he needs to “come out of [his] shell more” as Dwight bounces infinitely back and forth between two bricks.
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Apr 24, 2023 03:21
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Jim does his impression of Chris Pratt disguised as a toilet. Everyone agrees that somehow Jim sounds exactly what Chris Pratt would sound like if Chris Pratt disguised himself as a toilet. Even Dwight is impressed as he bounces infinitely back and forth between two bricks.
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Apr 24, 2023 04:52
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Ryan shows up to work disguised as a urinal as part of a prank, but fails. Waddling into the restroom behind Jim, Ryan asks Jim, "Why didn't this prank work? What is the difference between abuse and a prank?" Jim unzips his pants and urinates all over Ryan's shoes and goes... "It's abuse when it happens to you, but a prank when it happens to Dwight!" (Jim had previously transformed Dwight into Ryan's shoes.)
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Apr 24, 2023 06:02
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"This is my legacy, you know. My brother can have that beet farm, but Dmitri Schrute will be known as the King of the Cinema!" Dmitri Schrute, nearly 7 foot tall, broad shouldered, his massive nature practially bursting out of his ragged suit smiles at his investment. The Schrute Movie Theater, the first in Scranton, practically shines in the morning light. Two screens (practically unheard of in 1937) complete with rudimentary air conditioning. Yes, Dmitri thinks, I will bring the beauty of the moving image to Scranton. His employees smile and head into the building, dressed in immaculate red velvet uniforms. Much like his future descendant, Dmitri is always happy to spend money on others, but not himself. His own suit is threadbare in places, he cuts his own hair, and the sole of his left shoe is desperately clinging on for dear life. But his employees and the movie theater he's created? Beautiful. A piece of Hollywood glamour transported to the tiny town of Scranton, Pennsylvania. He steps inside, the cool air provided by the Unicool machine humming and clicking away behind the scenes. Dmitri smiles a warm smile. The world can be terrible, and Lord knows it's been extremely terrible for most people. The War to End All Wars, the Spanish Flu, the stock market crash. The Schrutes survived, barely, thanks to the beet farm. And Dmitri knows that by leaving the comfort of that farm he is risking absolute financial ruin. But it's worth it, he thinks, for this. The sun shines on the elaborate marquee and all is right in the world. Soon the projectors will begin their magic. Dmitri heads to his office feeling utterly content for the first time in many years. Across town a glass window shatters and a lanky man slithers out, a heavy bag tucked under his shoulder. He quickly rushes into an alleyway. This is Franco Halpert, small time hoodlum and soon to be murderer. Halpert has robbed the town's grocer of nearly three thousand dollars, an absolute kingly sum at the time. He ducks down an alleyway and finds a lone policeman standing there. The cop turns, his eyes go wide, and he reaches for his gun. Halpert is much faster and much crueler, however, and quickly fires a bullet directly between the man's eyes. Blood blooms like a wicked rose as the police officer falls to the ground. "Holy poo poo, that guy's heading fuckin' popped! Jay-sus!" Halpert twists and turns through the back alleys of Scranton, intent on finding a place to hide. Although not especially bright he is possessed with a sort of animal cunning that has kept him alive far beyond what should have been his expiration date. Halpert finds a metal grate and feels cool air blowing from it. He smiles, unscrews the grate, and then crawls inside. As he does, a sharp pain rockets through his skull. "gently caress, not now. Please not now." Halpert has been getting these pains for a while now, but lately they've been getting worse and worse. He tells himself he'll have to get to a doctor after this (there will be no doctor for him, however). As he crawls deeper and deeper into the vent he eventually finds another grate. Kicking it gently open, Halpert drops a few feet and finds himself inside a darkened room. He looks around, the pain in his head suddenly getting much worse. It's a particularly wicked cancer worming its way through his brain, although Franco is unaware of this. But the cancer is snaking its way through his brain quickly and cruelly, replacing healthy cells at a truly incredible rate. Halpert tries to move forward but finds his pathway blocked by something large and heavy. He backs up and tries a different way with the exact same result. Beginning to panic a bit, Franco tries to stand up and re-enter the vent, but finds himself wedged too tightly against the wall to do anything but crawl. He must have fallen into a tiny crawlspace, perhaps in some forgotten part of a building. Halpert begins to scream but will remain unheard for the next 3 days, at which point he will finally pass away, unseen and un-mourned. He is, of course, inside the Schrute Movie Theater, behind a makeshift brick wall that Dmitri installed next to the air conditioning unit to cover up some ancient and unused duct work and pipes. It is, truly, a perfect hiding spot. And Franco Halpert will not be discovered for almost 40 years. The theater does well for many years, remaining beacon of joy for generations of Scrantonites. The Schrutes, at first unsure of Dmitri's ambition, become his biggest fans and patrons of the theater. Dmitri passes away on a cool autumn afternoon with a smile on his face. The theater is declared an historic landmark and work begins to upgrade the theater as a new wave of cinema hits in the 1970s. And that, of course, is when Franco is discovered. As the now obsolete and ancient air conditioning unit is removed a worker discovers the wall that Dmitri had built. He gently knocks a sledgehammer against it and his trained ear determines there's a space behind the wall. Working carefully, he uncovers it. The remains of Franco Halpert lie there, having been spread across entirety of the crawlspace by the various rodents and insects that have devoured him over the years. A mummified rat lurks near some of the foot bones, heavy cobwebs cover an arm, and the bulk of the torso sits atop a cement floor stained by the putrefaction of a relatively insignificant and forgotten man. "Holy poo poo. What happened back here?" The construction worker quickly grabs his foreman, who calls the police. The investigation begins shortly after that. Franco Halpert is quickly identified and, thanks to the money he stole, it's quickly determined what happened. A forensics crew begins cleaning up his remains, taking him outside in a series of plastic bags. Unbeknownst to them, something watches from the shadows of the movie theater. Franco Halpert was a small man with small dreams. But there was something growing inside of him with much greater ambition. Something that could hear the muffled reactions of movie theater audiences for decades, along with a tiny bit of the magic of the silver screen. Yes, something grew inside the dying brain of Franco Halpert. It burst forth one day, long after his death, like a bird from an egg. Halpert's cancer, now with some form of basic sentience, crawled out of its 'father' and begin sloughing through the unseen corners of the theater. There would be reports of a terrible smell in the restroom or the corner of a theater. And there were rumors about a ghost that lurked the hallways at night. People would report a feeling of unseen eyes upon them, a slight feeling of dread. All of it with one source. Halpert's cancer continued to grow and change, watching the evolution of film and (more importantly) watching the audiences. It began to form a rudimentary body, trying to copy the beings it saw sitting in those seats and watching the flickering images. It's not perfect, of course. The limbs are perhaps a bit too long, the face a bit odd. The only scraps of clothing it could find were left behind in the back of the theater, remnants of a romantic tryst that quickly turned sour. But Halpert's cancer has done so much, its ambition easily the equal of Dmitri Schrute. It walks down the hallway towards the restroom upon two legs like a man. A construction worker spots it, thinking it to be merely an ordinary man who wandered in. "Hey, buddy, you're not allowed to be in here! It ain't safe right now." "Oh," replies the cancer disguising itself as a man, "where's the exit then?" The worker leads the wicked disease out into the world. It winces at first; the heat and sunlight are painful. But it quickly grows used to this and begins walking away. It takes another glance back at the theater marquee. "Schrute. Heh. Wonder what that guy's family is up to?" A newspaper reporter is passing by at that time, ready to report on the discovery of a corpse in the theater. As he rushes past the cancer, his camera jostles back and forth on the leather strap across his neck. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Apr 24, 2023 15:42
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Jim puts KY jelly on Dwight's glasses so they slip off his nose when he tries to put them on.
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Apr 24, 2023 15:54
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Jim puts KY Jelly on Dwight's PB&J sandwich so that Dwight is afflicted with terrible diarrhea.
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Apr 24, 2023 15:58
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Jim puts KY Jelly on Dwight's glasses so that they slip off his, Jim's, nose when he, Jim, tries to put them on. Dwight lies nearby, stunned by a blackjack to the head.
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Apr 24, 2023 16:09
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Jim puts KY Jelly on a waterslide just as Dwight hops on, causing Dwight to accelerate to unheard of speeds as he slides to the bottom. Dwight is sent rocketing through time as his body reaches faster than light speeds just before hitting the refreshing pool of water.
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Apr 24, 2023 16:16
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Jim puts KY Jelly on a waterslide just as Dwight hops on, making it impossible for Dwight to arrest his descent into a blade across the slide tunnel that Jim installed earlier.
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Apr 24, 2023 18:01
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Jim learns how to perform a nearly-perfect imitation of Mickey Mouse, then records a voicemail in which he calls Dwight a "feckless idiot". "Hey Dwight, can you test my new voicemail? I'm not sure I set it up correctly." Dwight says he'd love to, but Jim's phone is ringing already. In fact, he adds, it looks like it's coming from corporate. "Wait - wha-" Jim freezes as he recognizes the number. It's Charles Miner. He rushes to answer the phone but it's too late, he had set his phone to automatically go to voicemail. Hands shaking, Jim goes to pick up the phone and listen to Charles' message. But the phone begins ringing again. It seems to be angry, somehow, almost violent. Jim winces as tears begin to form in his eyes. He picks up the phone and brings it to his ear. "H-hello?" "Jim, I've heard of Mickey Mouse bullshit before, but you really take the cake. How long did it take you to record that voicemail?" "Uhhhhh....." Jim vomits for the camera.
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Apr 24, 2023 18:53
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The pounding at the door begins again, as it has for the last 13 nights in a row. The children huddle together for safety, the oldest among them desperately trying to put on a brave face for the younger ones. This will pass, they think. If God wills it, this will pass. There's a loud splintering of wood then, almost as if on cue, followed by wet footsteps. It's inside now. The youngest children are ushered into closets and other hiding spots while the oldest prepare to fight. There's no other choice now. The eldest child, Beetatrice, heads for the altar hidden deep within the orphanage. Last remnant of some long forgotten religion, the children mostly use the altar for displaying interesting treasures they dig up in the wasteland. But, hidden within the altar, there is a tool. Years ago, the last adult they knew told them of this tool and warned them to only use it in the most dire of situations. It was magic, he explained, the only kind of magic that could stop the thing that stalks at night. Beetatrice hoists the object in her hand. It seems oddly familiar, but she's unable to name what it is. It feels like something she's seen before in a past life perhaps. Another splintering noise as the lurching thing makes it way into the innermost sanctum. It sniffs the air and extends a long, pale arm towards a closet. "I smellllllll you," comes a voice like dry leaves blowing in a tomb. Calling upon all of her bravery, Beetatrice steps forth and draws the attention of the creature. It looks at her with sunken eyes that glow like embers, peering out from behind a veil of floppy hair. It mugs at her. She looks at the object in her hand and holds it in front of her like a talisman. The beast seems to step back, slightly, as she does. Then she begins to read the incantation she was taught as a child. "Hey Jim, do you have that rundown for me?" The beast lets out of howl of pain and runs outside, knocking things off the wall and toppling over furniture as it does. She hears its wail of anguish disappear over the horizon. The children cautiously step out of their hiding places and look at the object in Beetatrice's hands. It is, of course, a perfectly sculpted rendition of a rundown. Beetatrice realizes this now with perfect clarity and wonders how anyone, no matter how foolish, would be unable to understand that. In fact, if you didn't know what a rundown was, you could just ask someone to explain it.
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Apr 25, 2023 13:06
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVnbTEjOhvs
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Apr 25, 2023 13:19
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Dwight sits down to watch an episode of The Office: An American Workplace and is shocked to discover that production has glossed over some of the biggest events that happened to the staff of Dunder Mifflin. No mention of Dwight's volunteer work, no footage of Kevin winning the national chili cook-off, and not even a clip of Meredith skydiving for charity. Frustrated, Dwight wonders why the show chooses to focus on mundane events around the office and Jim's strange prank fetish. Then he remembers that Jim was constantly hovering around the chili cook off, singing the song "Hey Jude" every time the cameras rolled. Likewise, he started singing "The Final Countdown" while Meredith skydove. At work the next day Dwight confronts Jim about this, telling him that he's twisting the narrative of the show. But, thankfully, THIS interaction will appear on TV and clear things up for the audience. Jim looks forlorn. "Oops, I did it again. I played with your heart. Got lost in the game. Oh, baby, baby. Oops, you think I'm in love. That I'm sent from above. I'm not that innocent," Jim replies. Dwight, who spent the spring and summer of 2000 working the fields of Schrute Farms and has no idea of the pop music scene of the time, takes this as an apology and thanks Jim. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Apr 25, 2023 14:39
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Jim secretly installs an MRI machine in the office, then tells Dwight that it's "donate your spare change day" at work.
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Apr 25, 2023 15:39
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Jim secretly installs a UTI machine in the office. Dwight has to be taken to the hospital.
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Apr 25, 2023 15:52
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Jim stays up all night breaking the cypher on Dwight's grocery list so that he can show up early to the supermarket and baste e coli on all the lettuce.
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Apr 25, 2023 17:13
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At the cosmic training camp for Jims, Jims in training are given a Dwight encased in an obsidian cube and told to prank him.
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Apr 25, 2023 20:11
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| # ? May 30, 2024 23:31 |
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At the pathetic training camp for Jims, Jims in training are shown a picture of Dwight eating dinner with his happy family. "Can you figure out how to prank this guy?" The instructor asks. "Please. I really need this. Any kind of prank will do."
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Apr 25, 2023 20:36
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