i'm an over 50 ex-con new to the internet. teach me your ways

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > i'm an over 50 ex-con new to the internet. teach me your ways

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The Bible: May 8, 2010

harveys zoo zoos posted:

i don;t know it has windows and it's 15 years old but my cousin said he is going to build one for me

he is spending like 2k on it so i hope it will be good

Yeah, a 2 grand computer is gonna own. When you get it, shoot me a PM and I'll give you some Steam codes I have doubles of to get you started on wasting the rest of your life gaming.

# ? May 24, 2023 01:39

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# ? May 20, 2024 21:05

cumpantry: Dec 18, 2020; Can't post for 3 hours!

hbag posted:

if a chicken sandwich is breaded chicken it's loving dogshit

anyway, i recommend the spicy popeyes'

# ? May 24, 2023 01:41

Jelly: Feb 11, 2004; Ask me about my STD collection!

hbag posted:

if a chicken sandwich is breaded chicken it's loving dogshit

Don't really need to bring this kind of energy into the thread

# ? May 24, 2023 01:41

Passive Aggreeable: May 23, 2009; "Either way, it's going to hurt like crazy."

harveys zoo zoos posted:

i only tasted hooch a couple of times. i;ve never had alcohol otherwise so i don't know what it would compare to

it tastes like a lambic or sour, specifically like some Argus brews or Ginger Perry w.o the ginger. what I tried tasted like gatorade fruit punch

# ? May 24, 2023 01:47

Toxic Mental: Jun 1, 2019

Jelly posted:

I have a dumb sense of humor.

You're right, you're going to make him want to leave

# ? May 24, 2023 01:56

harveys zoo zoos: May 23, 2023

big cummers ONLY posted:

How difficult was it for a new inmate to integrate? What kind of people were socially successful, or unsuccessful?

Similarly, what was the relationship like between the average inmate and the average CO? My partner used to work in the dept that hired COs for the state prisons, and she said that 95% of them seemed like the kind of person who shouldn't have power over anyone. But I hope at least some of them were cool.

It sucks that you ate such a huge sentence, given what you were avenging. From your version of events, it sounds like you did the morally correct thing. That man could never hurt anyone again. I'm glad you are in therapy, and glad you are happy.

Oh yeah you said you read D&D books inside! There are a ton of memes using the alignment chart, googling for those could be fun.

Do yourself a favor and stay away from porn if you have no interest. There is no way that having access to the Library of Alexandria of Getting hosed was/is good for anyone's brain

i'd say that sums it up. most co's were power hungry assholes and changed our daily lives on nothing more than personal whim. the worst times were when a co would get divorced. they'd bring that poo poo to work and abuse us however they could.

the sideways jim guard i mentioned before was alright though, and a few others. i had 2 wardens in charge while i was there. the first i didn't know well but he seemed okay from what i heard. the second was not a nice man at all.

integration was rough for the new fish that had never been in the system before, like me. in fact this particular prison was known for being bad for newcomers. the kind of people that were socially successful were those that fronted up in their first few days. i dont mean like beat someone's rear end right from the get go, but more like a quiet projection of 'yeah, i know how this game is played'. i wasn't one of those. i tried to be brash and strong and it backfired. it took me a long time to reset and be comfortable and approach a new group. fortunately the cellie I had right at the start didn't take advantage of me and helped me chill out. it got much easier when i was moved from the bad section.

# ? May 24, 2023 01:57

Sucrose: Dec 9, 2009

One of the advantages of this site is that it�s become so niche and insular that there�s almost no scammers and other bad actors here. Everyone here is a real person. Unlike Twitter and some of the other big sites that are absolutely chock full of scammers and bots (fake accounts). Even Reddit�s recently become infested with bots, and with new AI the problem�s just going to become worse. Anyway if something seems too good to be true on the internet, it probably is.

But your cousin has probably already warned you about that kind of thing.

# ? May 24, 2023 02:47

Thursday Next: Jan 11, 2004; FUCK THE ISLE OF APPLES. FUCK THEM IN THEIR STUPID ASSES.

InsertPotPun posted:

https://www.youtube.com/@BlindDrunk
blind drunk. critical readings of rightwing novels

I just wanted to say THANK YOU for this channel, it is genuinely funny and manages to avoid the lovely "two white dudes laughing at their own in-jokes and calling it a podcast" b.s.

Seriously, this one's a proclick.

# ? May 24, 2023 02:51

fps_nug: Feb 21, 2021; horsing around no longer

Would you be willing to go more in depth on your first couple weeks there and what that was like, if you remember?

Ignore anyone telling you to watch anime It's not worth it

# ? May 24, 2023 02:57

The Bible: May 8, 2010

Let's just get anime out of the way right now.

Hero is strong, bad guy stronger. Hero loses, trains, gets stronger, spend 3 episodes fighting bad guy, wins.

Hero is stronger, new bad guy comes, and it just sort of loops from there. Either that or its some harem incest poo poo.

You're all caught up on anime now.

# ? May 24, 2023 03:01

hbag: Feb 13, 2021

The Bible posted:

Let's just get anime out of the way right now.

Hero is strong, bad guy stronger. Hero loses, trains, gets stronger, spend 3 episodes fighting bad guy, wins.

Hero is stronger, new bad guy comes, and it just sort of loops from there. Either that or its some harem incest poo poo.

You're all caught up on anime now.

you need to watch better anime

# ? May 24, 2023 03:04

The Bible: May 8, 2010

hbag posted:

you need to watch better anime

Don't encourage anyone to watch anime.

# ? May 24, 2023 03:08

meat police: Nov 14, 2015

after 16 years, we discovered the cat in fact can haz cheezburger

# ? May 24, 2023 03:31

Funky See Funky Do: Aug 20, 2013; STILL TRYING HARD

Oh my god I just realised you completely missed out on Spice Mania and the concept of Girl Power.

Ok so there's Ginger Spice: She's the sexy, sassy one, that isn't afraid to speak her mind.

There's Sporty Spice: She's a bit of a Tom Boy but still a girly girl deep down.

There's Baby Spice: She's the innocent one.

There's Posh Spice: She's a really stuck up bitch.

And lastly there's Scary Spice: She's had 4 husbands all of whom died under suspicious circumstances.

# ? May 24, 2023 03:40

the holy poopacy: May 16, 2009; hey! check this out; Fun Shoe

meat police posted:

after 16 years, we discovered the cat in fact can haz cheezburger

woah woah woah, he's been away for 3 decades. you can't just spring that kind of news on him, you gotta work your way up to it. ease up to it

# ? May 24, 2023 03:46

sigher: Apr 22, 2008; My guiding Moonlight...

Forget how things changed out here, did anything change over the years in prison?

Which gang did you have to side with? I hear this basically a necessity.

# ? May 24, 2023 04:06

hbag: Feb 13, 2021

sigher posted:

Forget how things changed out here, did anything change over the years in prison?

Which gang did you have to side with? I hear this basically a necessity.

harveys zoo zoos posted:

i am white but i was not in a gang with them and i dont like trump

# ? May 24, 2023 04:09

WAR CRIME GIGOLO: Oct 3, 2012; The Hague
tryna get me
for these glutes

Have you read the doobies dog house thread yet.

Can't stop thinking about those slaw dogs

# ? May 24, 2023 04:17

Cousin Todd: Jul 3, 2007; Grimey Drawer

I asked chatGPT what I should know about if I've been in prison for 30 years

robot posted:

Welcome back to society! You have missed a lot of technological, social, and global developments over the past 30 years. Here are some major changes that might be useful for you:

**Technology:**

1. **The Internet and World Wide Web:** Although they existed in a primitive form 30 years ago, they have transformed incredibly. The internet is now a vital part of daily life. It's used for communication, work, shopping, news, entertainment, and more.

2. **Smartphones:** Mobile phones have evolved into small, handheld computers called smartphones, like the iPhone or Android phones. They offer a wide range of functions such as calling, texting, surfing the internet, playing games, watching videos, taking photos, and using various applications (or 'apps').

3. **Social Media:** Websites and apps like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, and LinkedIn have redefined social interaction, news, and entertainment. They allow you to connect with people worldwide, share thoughts, pictures, videos, and more.

4. **Streaming Services:** Services like Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney+, and Spotify have revolutionized the way we consume media. You can now watch movies, TV shows, and listen to music on-demand from your devices.

5. **E-commerce:** Online shopping has become very common. You can buy almost anything online, from groceries to electronics, and have it delivered to your doorstep.

6. **Cryptocurrencies:** A new type of digital or virtual currency, the most well-known being Bitcoin. They use cryptography for security.

**Society and Culture:**

1. **LGBTQ+ Rights:** There has been significant progress in the rights and societal acceptance of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer individuals, including the legalization of same-sex marriage in many countries and advancements in transgender rights.

2. **Climate Change Awareness:** The environment and sustainability have become urgent global issues. There's greater focus on renewable energy, reducing waste, and making lifestyle changes to combat climate change.

3. **Diversity and Inclusion:** Society has been evolving towards more acceptance and celebration of diversity in terms of race, religion, gender, and culture.

4. **#MeToo Movement:** A social movement against sexual abuse and sexual harassment where people publicize allegations of sex crimes committed by powerful and/or influential individuals.

**Global Events:**

1. **COVID-19 Pandemic:** A global pandemic hit the world in 2019-2020, and its effects continue to be felt. COVID-19 has led to changes in how people work and interact.

2. **Political Changes:** There have been significant political events, including the election of Barack Obama as the first Black U.S president, Donald Trump's presidency, and Joe Biden's presidency.

This is a lot to take in all at once, so don't worry if it feels overwhelming. Most people are understanding and will help you adjust. Also, there are organizations specifically designed to help people transition back into society after a long period of incarceration. Be sure to seek them out in your local community.

Absolutely, here are more areas that have evolved considerably in the past 30 years:

**Technology:**

1. **Artificial Intelligence (AI) and Machine Learning:** Advances in computing have led to AI and Machine Learning becoming integral parts of our lives, with uses ranging from recommending what to watch next on a streaming service to autonomous vehicles.

2. **Cloud Computing:** This technology allows for storing and accessing data over the internet instead of your computer's hard drive, making digital information more accessible and less vulnerable to damage.

3. **Augmented Reality (AR) and Virtual Reality (VR):** These technologies blend digital components into our physical world or immerse us in a completely digital environment, respectively. They're used in games, training simulations, and even remote collaboration.

4. **Internet of Things (IoT):** Everyday objects now often have network connectivity, allowing them to send and receive data. This can include anything from household appliances to vehicles.

5. **Electric Vehicles and Self-driving Cars:** Electric vehicles, such as those made by Tesla, are becoming more prevalent as we shift away from fossil fuels. Self-driving, or autonomous, cars are also being developed and used in some areas.

**Society and Culture:**

1. **Mental Health Awareness:** There's been a significant shift in understanding and acknowledging mental health issues. The stigma around discussing mental health has lessened, and resources for support have increased.

2. **Legalization of Marijuana:** In many places, the law regarding marijuana has changed significantly. In numerous states in the U.S and in countries like Canada, marijuana use is legal for medical and recreational purposes.

3. **Changing Work Culture:** More people are working remotely, especially following the COVID-19 pandemic. The traditional 9-5 workday is becoming less standard, with more flexible working hours becoming common.

4. **Food Trends:** Plant-based and alternative diets have grown in popularity. Awareness of food allergies and intolerances has also increased.

**Global Events:**

1. **Climate Change:** This has become a major global concern. From the Paris Agreement to the increasing frequency of extreme weather events, it's an issue that's seen significant attention and change.

2. **Technological Disruptions:** Major companies have faced significant controversies and public scrutiny related to privacy concerns, spread of misinformation, and monopoly power, leading to calls for increased regulation.

3. **Brexit:** The United Kingdom voted to leave the European Union in 2016, causing significant political and economic changes.

4. **Space Exploration:** There have been major advancements in this field, with private companies like SpaceX launching rockets and planning for future manned missions to Mars.

Again, remember it's okay to take time to adjust and ask questions. Society in general has become much more fast-paced, largely due to the speed of information transfer on the internet. Try to be patient with yourself during this transition period.

Sure, here are some additional developments:

**Technology:**

1. **Voice-activated Assistants:** Siri (Apple), Alexa (Amazon), and Google Assistant use AI technology to respond to voice commands. They can answer questions, play music, set reminders, and control smart home devices.

2. **Biotechnology:** Advancements have allowed for things like gene editing (CRISPR), personalized medicine, and stem cell research.

3. **Mobile Payments and Digital Wallets:** More and more people are using their smartphones to make payments in stores and online through services like Apple Pay, Google Wallet, and PayPal.

4. **Blockchain Technology:** Beyond cryptocurrencies, blockchain is being used in areas like supply chain management, healthcare, and voting due to its secure, decentralized nature.

5. **5G Technology:** 5G is the newest generation for cellular networks and it greatly increases the speed and responsiveness of wireless networks.

**Society and Culture:**

1. **Rise of Influencer Culture:** Influencers are individuals who've gained a significant following, primarily on social media, and who have influence over their followers' purchasing decisions.

2. **Memes:** Internet memes – humorous images, videos, text that are copied and spread rapidly by internet users – have become a major part of online culture.

3. **Sustainable Living:** There's a growing trend toward living sustainably, including reducing waste, recycling and composting, and using renewable sources of energy.

4. **Fitness and Wellness Trends:** Yoga, meditation, and other wellness practices have become more mainstream. Wearable fitness technology, like Fitbit or Apple Watch, tracks health data and encourages activity.

**Global Events:**

1. **Rise of China:** China has become a significant global economic power, leading in areas such as technology, manufacturing, and finance.

2. **Global Refugee Crisis:** Ongoing conflicts and climate change have displaced a record number of people worldwide, leading to humanitarian and political challenges.

3. **Global Privacy Concerns:** The use of personal data and issues of privacy have become major concerns, highlighted by scandals such as the Facebook-Cambridge Analytica data scandal.

4. **Increasing Automation:** Robotics and AI have made it possible for more tasks to be automated, raising concerns about job loss and economic inequality, but also leading to new opportunities.

Remember, it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed with the pace of changes. Take your time to familiarize yourself with these changes, ask for help when needed, and don't rush the process. Your adaptation will occur gradually but surely.

# ? May 24, 2023 04:26

kntfkr: Feb 11, 2019; GOOSE FUCKER

Funky See Funky Do posted:

Oh my god I just realised you completely missed out on Spice Mania and the concept of Girl Power.

Ok so there's Ginger Spice: She's the sexy, sassy one, that isn't afraid to speak her mind.

There's Sporty Spice: She's a bit of a Tom Boy but still a girly girl deep down.

There's Baby Spice: She's the innocent one.

There's Posh Spice: She's a really stuck up bitch.

And lastly there's Scary Spice: She's had 4 husbands all of whom died under suspicious circumstances.

now i have the urge to zigga zig ah

# ? May 24, 2023 04:52

Tricky Ed: Aug 18, 2010; It is important to avoid confusion. This is the one that's okay to lick.

Hello and welcome. There's a lot that's changed and although we're of similar ages I can't really imagine trying to get up to speed with society after that gap.

I would greatly recommend the YouTube channel Crash Course in general, and their series on media literacy in particular.

The amount of information and entertainment available right now is basically unfathomably huge and it expands exponentially every day. Learning how to process that flood might be the most important skill you can learn.

Also there's never been a better time to expand your cooking skills! I learned most of what I know from the TV show Good Eats, which still runs on the Cooking Channel sometimes. Books you can check out are Salt Fat Acid Heat by Samin Nosrat, the Food Lab by Kenji Lopez-Alt, or I'm Just Here for the Food by Alton Brown (creator/host of Good Eats). Kenji and many, many, many other people have YouTube videos where you can see them make stuff and learn techniques. And of course there's the Goons with Spoons forum!

# ? May 24, 2023 05:04

Jelly: Feb 11, 2004; Ask me about my STD collection!

Speaking of the Spice Girls, watch The Circle on Netflix. That should catch you up with everything.

# ? May 24, 2023 05:04

Prokhor Zakharov: Dec 31, 2008; This is me as I make another great post

Good luck with your depression!

Google Maps is your new best friend, https://www.google.com/maps/, search for hiking and parks/nature spaces near you and it will tell you exactly where you need to go, where to park, how long the trails are, and most have photos of what to expect on the hike.

I went to jail but it was only a little bit of jail, good luck and godspeed on reintegrating into society.

# ? May 24, 2023 05:05

The Bible: May 8, 2010

Oh poo poo, right, LGBTQIA+.

You've got some new language to learn, man.

# ? May 24, 2023 05:23

Private Cumshoe: Feb 15, 2019; AAAAAAAGAGHAAHGGAH

None of the words those letters represent are new in the slightest some people just don't open books

# ? May 24, 2023 05:25

WAR CRIME GIGOLO: Oct 3, 2012; The Hague
tryna get me
for these glutes

Wait if you killed someone how are you a con

I mean isn't that a murderer

# ? May 24, 2023 05:26

Funky See Funky Do: Aug 20, 2013; STILL TRYING HARD

The Bible posted:

Oh poo poo, right, LGBTQIA+.

You've got some new language to learn, man.

Even more importantly, to unlearn.

OP has your brother run you through the list of words that were socially acceptable to use in the early 90s that you can't use anymore without being an rear end in a top hat?

# ? May 24, 2023 05:28

The Bible: May 8, 2010

Private Cumshoe posted:

None of the words those letters represent are new in the slightest some people just don't open books

You're right, but I find it is still not anywhere near common knowledge. And as someone else just said, there's a lot to unlearn, inside and outside that topic.

# ? May 24, 2023 05:50

Farmer Crack-Ass: Jan 2, 2001; this is me posting irl

WAR CRIME GIGOLO posted:

Wait if you killed someone how are you a con

I mean isn't that a murderer

i think it�s con as in convict and not as in con(fidence) man

# ? May 24, 2023 08:01

Risky: May 18, 2003

Do you remember blockbuster video?

They all closed down now, real talk

# ? May 24, 2023 10:02

The Bible: May 8, 2010

Risky posted:

Do you remember blockbuster video?

They all closed down now, real talk

Good call. Google "Netflix" OP, and watch The Good Place, then cancel Netflix.

# ? May 24, 2023 10:44

Jaguars!: Jul 31, 2012

Well, since you've managed to go a day without getting banned or mired in an argument with some random user, here are some threads you might be interested in. Here is a thread on Terry Pratchett although since he died we mostly just argue about what the best order to to read them in or even if there's any point in arguing about reading them in order.

Doesn't seem to be a specific thread on LeGuin but there is a general sci-fi book thread here

Also here is the aeroplanes thread which I link because it's a good example of the insane amount of knowledge that special interest threads here can collect, it's got pilots, a couple of controllers and instructors, people who know worryingly large amounts about zeppelins and planemaking, plus ordinary users sharing cool poo poo about planes.

Jaguars! fucked around with this message at 12:13 on May 24, 2023

# ? May 24, 2023 11:46

Cousin Todd: Jul 3, 2007; Grimey Drawer

I imagine not getting into pointless arguments is a skill one hones to a metaphorical sharp edge in prison, so as to avoid very not metaphorical sharp edges.

# ? May 24, 2023 12:01

BastardAus: Jun 3, 2003; Chunder from Down Under

This is a fascinating thread you have started OP. I'd like to think you for asking for advice in the most cynical, but best self-regulating site on the internet. Having been here almost 20 years and watching the losers in the Chans and Reddit spaces get knocked down for their inability to relate, I think you've made a good choice.
If you're going to wade into the cesspool known as the modern internet, coming here with an open mind and expressing that is a good move.
Let's see if that holds up in 3 months but I'm optimistic for you.

# ? May 24, 2023 13:53

harveys zoo zoos: May 23, 2023

i'll get caught up on questions and comments later today but for now i just wanted to share some good news with you fine people.

my po came by today to check on me and asked what i;d been up to. i told him i found a cool community of people online the internet and that i've been sharing my story with them. he asked where and i said 'it's something awful' and he of course didn't know what i was talking about. he had to check to make sure it wasn't literally an awful site of some kind hahahahahaha. thankfully i don't have any restrictions on computer use.

once i showed him he clicked through a few sections here and really likes the automotive subsection. maybe he will join hahaha

i've only been reading this site for a month and joined yesterday but it seems like a case of 'the inmates run the asylum', in a good way though, but maybe some professional supervision wouldn't hurt hahaha

he won't join though, he isn't that type of guy

good news is that he found a possible job for me yay

it's at a junkyard and recycling center and i'm super excited. i go talk to the guy next week, and he is also an ex-con so hopefully it will work out

oh and also the super good news is that my friend poon-poon will be released in 60 days yayyyyy

he is a good guy and i hope he will do well outside

# ? May 24, 2023 16:05

Cousin Todd: Jul 3, 2007; Grimey Drawer

Don't uh... Don't show him TCC

# ? May 24, 2023 16:11

Toxic Mental: Jun 1, 2019

Tell us about Poon-Poon

# ? May 24, 2023 16:18

WAR CRIME GIGOLO: Oct 3, 2012; The Hague
tryna get me
for these glutes

Op ru tryna cop an xjunk or nogamestation any time soon?

# ? May 24, 2023 16:21

big cummers ONLY: Jul 17, 2005; I made a series of bad investments. Tarantula farm. The bottom fell out of the market.

Your PO sounds cool. Hope you can get that job! Work is probably good to help socialize.

What has it been like trying to socialize now that you're outside? Do you have friends who got out before you? Or have you reconnected with friends from high school?

I know sometimes you can't have social media as a condition of parole, is that your case? Social media is trash anyway and the longer you can stay away from it the better probably

# ? May 24, 2023 16:25

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# ? May 20, 2024 21:05

StrangersInTheNight: Dec 31, 2007; ABSOLUTE FUCKING GUDGEON

MrQwerty posted:

this website originally began as a spinoff of Planet Quake and Planet Half-Life, two websites run by Gamespy 24 years ago about Quake and Half-Life; so in its origins, it is a videogame community. A lot of the old timers like myself came here from there, and the community grew from that when Lowtax started the forums after he left PQ and started his own website with Fragmaster from PHL.

this is SA lore I honestly didn't know

so you're telling me, we should actually be blaming Gamespy for 4chan?

StrangersInTheNight fucked around with this message at 16:41 on May 24, 2023

# ? May 24, 2023 16:38

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > i'm an over 50 ex-con new to the internet. teach me your ways

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