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Man, I'm kicking myself, yesterday some idiot usurper showed up at my lair yesterday so I dropped the ceiling on the fool while increasing gravity around him, crushing him into a paste instantly. Turns out this fucker had all sorts of rare artifacts and poo poo on him that got irrevocably damaged outside of a few exceptions. I basically lost out on millions of gold, and my minions are dragging rear end on cleaning up so there's still rubble and sorcerer grease everywhere. Very annoying. Comfy Fleece Sweater posted:A Harper just vandalized my lair entrance!!! Fucker wrote "Dork Wizard Home" ! Man, gently caress the Harpers. Bunch of idiot bumbling morons but if you kill more than a handful suddenly you've got creepy rear end Ellminster or some demigod up in your poo poo. Having to have seperate non-lethal protocols for them is just frustrating.
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May 26, 2023 04:35
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You guys are going to think I am crazy for telling you this but I have begun to experience some troubling phenomena and I think that it may point to a larger pattern, maybe even some kind of attack on us Dark Wizards. I have been experiencing headaches, sinus congestion, dizziness, irritability, lethargy, and feelings of hopelessness. When this is at its worst I can hear a high pitched kind of sound coming from outside my laboratory, possibly from the direction of the village (like 60% sure). My buddy Geoff the Lithomancer has also been experiencing similar symptoms, and also he gets the wobbly spirit snakes in front of his eyes. I've also heard of other people getting sick. Long story short I think this is some kind of telekinetic attack on our kind, because it is going right past my wards. Anyone else experiencing this? Stay safe out there
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May 26, 2023 04:46
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Classic Hellvana syndrome
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May 26, 2023 04:48
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Comfy Fleece Sweater posted:A Harper just vandalized my lair entrance!!! Fucker wrote "Dork Wizard Home" ! loving harpers keep spray painting over my manjis to make them look like loss.jpg--wait that's not harpers that's just kids grandpa
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May 26, 2023 05:35
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Deki posted:Man, gently caress the Harpers. Bunch of idiot bumbling morons but if you kill more than a handful suddenly you've got creepy rear end Ellminster or some demigod up in your poo poo. Having to have seperate non-lethal protocols for them is just frustrating. I’ve got a section of my Skeleton Lair set up for just this kind of thing make a maze that’s pretty easy, and then a pit or a chasm with chains or vines around they can use to cross (so they feel brave), then just enough skeletons to defeat to feel powerful, then a puzzle box or two so they feel clever. Then a really big skeleton but (he’s already inanimate) sitting in a throne with a pretty good piece of magic loot or two in his hands. I planted a powerful suggestion in the room that makes people think out loud “this must be The©️Skeleton™️ King©️™️” and they feel like they beat the bad guys and won the day. Then the passage starts collapsing and they grab the loot and all go “look out!!” and run for the door, and rubble seals the entrance. they walk away into the sunset, freeze frame, problem solved they have no idea the kindly old alchemist who sold them those potions was up to no good, and they level up a bit. It’s all very PG rated. technically it counts as GOOD on my part I have to go skelenton some villagers afterward to balance my stats again
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May 26, 2023 19:17
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naem posted:I’ve got a section of my Skeleton Lair set up for just this kind of thing Well, you need to replenish the maze.
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May 26, 2023 19:58
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Goblin concocting program going good My current strain is Hardy, resistant to disease, and whats better, intelligent enough to learn some simple magic. Im am officially making goblin shamans and sorcerers fellas Unbelievabley useful for delegating responsibility quickly. You no longer have to waste half of them by making them fight each other till a war boss arises so that they can direct the rest. I mean thats always fun to watch but sometimes you got things to do , yknow?
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May 26, 2023 20:01
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naem posted:technically it counts as GOOD on my part I have to go skelenton some villagers afterward to balance my stats again Man, gently caress those stats. Evil is a state of mind. The local fiends think I'm turning into some do-gooder because my dark rule over my lands is actually better for the local villagers than that of the idiot royals I usurped to rule here. I didn't do it for them, I did it as part of my master plan. I couldn't give less of a poo poo about their lives, and as long as I have enough food to keep my orcish hordes content, I don't really give a poo poo and let the Villagers keep most of what they make outside of the occasional batch of artisan goods and horses for said hordes. Between that and inadvertently keeping them safe by utterly obliterating any foolish invading/raiding armies, their lives are pretty great comparatively. I could go and torture a few now and then just to appease Hell, or I could keep cultivating a group of people who will happily die for me without lifting a finger. And boy, let me tell you, it is an absolute hoot to see a Paladin lose everything because the dungeon guard they had just gutted was some good hearted family man who just happened to take a job to keep people out of the scary danger cave.
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May 26, 2023 20:15
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Deki posted:Man, I'm kicking myself, yesterday some idiot usurper showed up at my lair yesterday so I dropped the ceiling on the fool while increasing gravity around him, crushing him into a paste instantly. You all know how big of a fan I am of infinite mazes of eternity so I instantly went there when I thought about the solution to this problem. Why not just trap them in an infinite maze of eternal life? No death but etill evil
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May 26, 2023 20:58
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You guys, I think I might have a problem. A couple centuries ago I set up one of those immortality schemes, you know the kind, where in the eastern sea there is an island, on that island there is a mountain, on that mountain there is a forest, and every year at sunset on the winter solstice a bird flies from the direction of the setting sun and plucks one twig from a tree in that forest to build its nest, and on the day that mountain has been plucked bare of its forest is the day that I shall die. Well it turns out that some idiot pumped a bunch of chemicals into the atmosphere which is altering the global climate (brilliant idea honestly, wish I had thought of it!) and changing the migration pattern of the winter solstice bird. Apparently there's flocks and flocks of the damned things, and now they're descending on my isolated immortality island in droves. Am I hosed?
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May 26, 2023 21:10
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Mad Hamish posted:You guys, I think I might have a problem. sounds like you gotta blow up the sun
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May 26, 2023 22:58
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Just animate the trees and instill in them a strong desire to flatten birds. Sure that might seem unusually druish but as long as you simply treat the trees as inanimate objects as you animate them, it's good old arcane sorcery and not some "communing with mysteries of nature".
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May 26, 2023 23:08
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Mad Hamish posted:You guys, I think I might have a problem.
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May 26, 2023 23:12
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My apprentice just suggested turning all the trees to stone. Well somebody isn't going to become a dark wizard 
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May 26, 2023 23:16
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do you have any ranks in Animal Empathy? --stupid question, right, evil wizard why don't you mind control a flock of migratory birds, give them that new ultra fatal bird flu that's going around, and direct them down to infest your secret island? repeat as necessary e: migratory birds are way smarter than you think. you probably only need to do this two or three times before they collectively mark it as Death Island and avoid it for seven bird generations v shut up lich some of us like to eat things other than souls ok Fur20 fucked around with this message at 00:17 on May 27, 2023 |
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May 27, 2023 00:07
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Maybe you shouldn't have used a pansy rear end good wizard form of immortality and done some proper evil like become a lich, or sacrificing some virgins.
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May 27, 2023 00:13
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Bird-eating snakes sounds like a good idea and it's mundane enough that it shouldn't attract any unnecessary attention. sweet geek swag posted:Maybe you shouldn't have used a pansy rear end good wizard form of immortality and done some proper evil like become a lich, or sacrificing some virgins. Wow, sorry if more traditional forms of immortality offend you, Your Boneliness. I'll start taking advice from liches when they start putting their phylactery somewhere reasonable and boring like a safe deposit box in an actual bank instead of in a jewelled chest on an altar surrounded by streams of magma and guarded by some kind of spider queen in the bowels of the Barrow of Torment. You'd think that high-level wizards would be smart enough to know that that poo poo's like catnip for adventurers. I knew a guy who just couldn't keep plucky teens and Chosen Ones out of his diabolical lair (yes, he tried skeletons) and of course you all know how that always goes.
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May 27, 2023 02:49
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Easier said than done. You start putting cursed amulets in bank vaults, you're gonna forget they're there, then you forget they're cursed so when you make a withdrawal you see the amulet and think it's been awhile since you gave a gift to the missus. Then your wife is a toad for a week while you try and find your old tomes.
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May 27, 2023 03:02
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Mad Hamish posted:You guys, I think I might have a problem. This is a surprisingly common conundrum. not in the specifics, of course, but immortality loopholes somehow unravelling. My advice, assuming the deforestation isn't completely imminent, is to do nothing at all. The obvious solution would be to plant yourself on the island and kill all the oncoming birds, but you're almost certain to accidentally burn down 99.9% of the forest, leaving the original bird to pluck the one remaining living sapling. These prophecies are usually self fulfilling. And if they're not, you're stuck wasting your immortality scaring off and killing birds. If the migration changed once, it'll probably change again, sending the little bastards elsewhere. Then you're back to where you were. Also do not hire a fiendish lawyer to try to find a loophole, if you can't find one yourself or are panicking enough to consider it, you're not going to outwit the lawyer when they set you up to die even sooner.
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May 27, 2023 04:18
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Mad Hamish posted:Bird-eating snakes sounds like a good idea and it's mundane enough that it shouldn't attract any unnecessary attention. safety deposit boxes will only give you 500 gold if they lose the phylactery, no matter how enchanted or jewel-encrusted it is, if you're going to put your immortality in the hands of a different evil entity, at least make it one that has some flair
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May 27, 2023 04:25
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Mad Hamish posted:Bird-eating snakes sounds like a good idea and it's mundane enough that it shouldn't attract any unnecessary attention. Dude, I can recognize the "Life Extension Kit for Non-Evil Wizards." Hell, you left the actual prophecy on scriptorium settings, didn't even write your own prophecy. You didn't even kill one person, unless you robbed the magic store where it was sitting ON THE RACK.
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May 27, 2023 04:31
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I thought we were achieving immortality through the indelible scars we leave on the landscape and the collective memory of mankind? gently caress
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May 27, 2023 05:37
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Nah that's some bard poo poo, this is the dark WIZARD thread.
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May 27, 2023 05:39
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What sort of bard oozes poison swamps o'er fertile lands, wields the bones which haunt the night, or raises masses of fetid flesh? Stop getting your bard news from your mother.
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May 27, 2023 06:08
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HelleSpud posted:What sort of bard oozes poison swamps o'er fertile lands, wields the bones which haunt the night, or raises masses of fetid flesh? Dave Matthews Band, duh
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May 27, 2023 07:41
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HelleSpud posted:What sort of bard oozes poison swamps o'er fertile lands, wields the bones which haunt the night, or raises masses of fetid flesh? The kind I’m hiring to  entertain the prols in my domain when festival season rolls around. What’s their TikTok?
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May 27, 2023 09:59
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Tunicate posted:Dave Matthews Band, duh Yeah but it was only the one time. A real one-poo poo wonder.
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May 27, 2023 10:08
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Hey guys, new to this thread. For many years now my mentor has been training me in the lesser of his dark arts. But I think it was a scam. The other night I made sure he suffered a fatal heart attack, and then resurrected and bound him using the Rites of Amanarus, but just as I was completing it and his eyes opened, he impossibly raised a finger, put it to his lips, and said "five more minutes of rest", before dying again. Did I do something wrong? How deep is the poo poo that I am in??
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May 27, 2023 13:29
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alexandriao posted:Did I do something wrong? How deep is the poo poo that I am in?? Your mentor probably cast an enchantment on their tomes to keep you from scrying the correct arcana. You think you're casting a spell to override agency but you're actually washing their socks or something.
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May 27, 2023 13:34
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Can you be 100% sure your mentor wasn't an undead to begin with? If you were otherwise confident in your ability to strike it out on your own as a dark wizard, this might just be his cheeky way of telling you that you're ready to move out of the nest and start making some people's lives very unhappy.
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May 27, 2023 13:48
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rite of amanarus is hedge wizardry, you should have used the rite of amaranus. it's understandably easy to get them confused. so first, what you'll need to do is, create two different, but very specific, kinds of rings, and get a goat
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May 27, 2023 18:15
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I was bored this week so I went to a body building competition to compete, and I guess I've been cooped up in the ol' tower for too long, because boy, I was entirely wrong about what the competition was for. Anyway, my flesh golem was disqualified as he wasn't 'natty', which was kind of a bummer.
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May 29, 2023 05:01
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Deki posted:I was bored this week so I went to a body building competition to compete, and I guess I've been cooped up in the ol' tower for too long, because boy, I was entirely wrong about what the competition was for. How many of them survived?
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May 29, 2023 05:24
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Dollars to donuts your golem was one of the least repulsive bodies there. So much inspiration, though..
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May 29, 2023 05:37
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sweet geek swag posted:How many of them survived? I didn't kill a single one of them. However, after what I did to them though, I don't think any of them can claim to be "Natural" anymore.
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May 29, 2023 05:52
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Deki posted:I didn't kill a single one of them. Oooooo hey, are you using the bones? I’m always topping up my skeleton pit although one time I got scammed by a guy who just dumped the trash from a BW3 into the pit and my guys all spontaneously had chicken wing bones on their back they kept trying to fly too it was a mess, just flappin’ away and falling to a big crunch
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May 30, 2023 18:09
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RIP to one of the darkest
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May 31, 2023 01:09
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F̷̠͆̒̌͜
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May 31, 2023 01:17
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naem posted:Oooooo hey, are you using the bones? I’m always topping up my skeleton pit Feel free to take them, it might be a bit of a messy job now that they're all just quivering 400 pound lumps of raw, useless muscle, but its not like they're using those bones for anything anymore.
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Jun 1, 2023 14:22
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Deki posted:quivering 400 pound lumps of raw, useless muscle Hey stop using your Scrying Mirror to look into my tower's study. It's been a long century and I'll fit into my robes again soon
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