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poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Imagine if just one episode of the Office used the characters and pranks from this thread, and then went back to normal the next week.

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Space Kablooey
May 6, 2009


A Fancy Hat posted:


Dwight heads to a nearby gift shop to ask if he can get a bandaid, only to find that all the souvenir Oscar statues have Jim’s mugging face. Thousands of Tiny Gold Jims mug for the camera.

Off-camera, A few of them die because of the toxic gold paint.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

poisonpill posted:

Imagine if just one episode of the Office used the characters and pranks from this thread, and then went back to normal the next week.

“Did you guys see Jim has a monkey now? I think the show kind of jumped the shark, they’re ripping off Friends now.”

“Hey these reunion episodes are always a little rough. Mose wasn’t a dog in the old show, was he?”

“What do you mean? I thought Mose was a person. Wasn’t he walking around at one point?”

“Yeah but I think he was barking. Come to think of it, I guess it was a little vague. At least Andy’s not lusting after Erin any more.”

Gatto Grigio
Feb 9, 2020

“Is Jim some kind of space vampire now? Geez, these shows always get weird.”

“After so many seasons, they’ve run out of ideas, I guess.”

Gatto Grigio
Feb 9, 2020

Michael secretly reposts pranks from earlier pages of the thread that others had originally posted, claiming the credit for himself

RickRogers
Jun 21, 2020

Woh, is that a thing I like??
Jim does the face off thing with Dwight, but he didn't really think the prank, or its consequences through and also the doctor that performed the surgery was definitely not a real doctor.

Jim gets bored of the prank surprising quickly, but unfortunately the pairs body reject the transplants with hideous consequences.

After major reconstructive surgery, Dwight adjusts to this new life surprisingly well and just carries on his job and day to day life wearing a phantom of the opera mask.
Unfortunately due to some trauma induced compulsion, he abducts Pam through the bathroom mirror and takes her through the catacombs of the Scranton branch, on a horse that is somehow down there.

As an armed mob surrounds the office to stop "the shadow in the stalls", a now face-less Jim mugs the camera..... probably.

RickRogers
Jun 21, 2020

Woh, is that a thing I like??
Jim "studies" the kamasutra and constantly practices the positions with a life size dummy of Dwight that he's mocked up.

At Dwight's protests, Jim tells him it's actually yoga and to open his 3rd eye and stop being racist, or whatever.

Jim smirks and mugs the camera whilst aggressively pile-driving Dummy-Dwight and rubbing his, Jim's, oily nipples.

RickRogers fucked around with this message at 21:01 on Jun 3, 2023

freemandela
Apr 18, 2007

jim tries to make a homunculus to help with pranking ideas, but when jim opens the cucurbit after forty days, all he finds is a Tiny Jim. it (the Tiny Jim) bites him (jim) on the ankle and skitters away through a crack in the basement wall

RickRogers
Jun 21, 2020

Woh, is that a thing I like??
On the pretence of "wanting to see some Euro-Trash", Jim takes Dwight on a month long, all expenses paid whisky tasting tour in Scotland, but secretly replaces all Dwight's samples with different rums.

Dwight becomes a verified "whisky" officionado and buys great amounts of Scottish clothing.
"I always knew my heart was in the highlands, Jim. Thank you so much for this".

The two take a picture together, in full tartan regalia, before the setting sun on the shores of loch Lomond; a distant pipers notes being carried to them softly on the breeze.

Upon returning home, Dwight is baffled and ashamed to find he now hates whisky.

Jim sips his Mai-Tai and mugs the camera.

RickRogers fucked around with this message at 18:06 on Jun 4, 2023

Erasable Penis
Aug 7, 2013
Im the meantime Pam sighs at the bank's letter informing her of the 12th mortgage on their home.

Erasable Penis
Aug 7, 2013
Jim travels back in time to shoot Bertha Benz before she could take the newly invented automobile for a test drive. As a result the car never gets popular and Dwight's commute is now 2h.

Jim mugs for the daguerreotype since he is now stuck in the 19thcentury.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim gets back from his week-long “Guys Trip” with Dwight to Las Vegas. As the taxi drives away, Jim creeps into the darkened house. It’s well past midnight, so he jumps back when he sees Pam sitting in the east chair, waiting up for him.

“Made it back safely?” she asks.
“Uh… uh.. yeah. Just about to go up to bed. Work tomorrow!” Jim uneasily replies.
“That’s great, Jim. Did you have a good time?”
“Y-yeah. It was… it was okay, I guess.”
“Good. Looked that way, judging from Facebook. Roller coaster rides. Big fancy shows. Gambling, drinking, buffet dinners. Hey, did you win any money?”
“N-n-not really. Came out about even.” Jim pauses, frozen in the middle of the hallway. “I might have lost a little.”
“Oh, that’s fine, Jim. No problem at all. Just as long as you get to prank Dwight. Is that right? Did you play a fun prank on Dwight?” Pam asks in a syrupy voice.
Jim pauses, shuffles his feet. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure. I-Uh- I encouraged Dwight to keep playing at the craps table; after he won. You know, pranked him into staying there. House edge, you know. Got him good.”
Pam smiles, stands. “Oh, how droll, Jim. Marvelous. And he lost his wages?”
Jim tugs at his collar. “Well, actually he won. He hit big, lucky roll. But, oh man, he sure was nervous!”
Pam walks slowly, deliberately toward Jim. “Any other fun pranks, Jim? The reason you took your ‘best friend’ Dwight to Las Vegas, to prank him; what else? It couldn’t all have been fancy dinners and hotel minibars. I’ve seen the credit card bill. You must have been planning something big.”
Jim takes an uncomfortable step backward, flustered, and searching for words. “Yeah, pranks. Pranks. I-uh-we went to a strip club. And all the ladies kept coming up to Dwight and said they’d give him free lap dances. He was so embarrassed. And-uh- Dwight was stopped by Penn and Teller on the Strip. Guess they’d met him a few years ago at a Make-A-Wish event they’d all been to; it made us late to the Cirque, so we almost missed the opening curtain. Really, um, yeah, really good pranks.”

Pam brushes coldly past Jim as she walks by. “Don’t come upstairs tonight,” she whispers from the first step.

After a few minutes, Jim heads toward the basement.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
[quote="RickRogers" post="532273849"eyJim smirks and mugs the camera whilst aggressively pile-driving Dummy-Dwight and rubbing his, Jim's, oily nipples.
[/quote]

Pam begs Jim to visit a dermatologist, and finally convinced him to sit through an appointment but only after promising to take him to Dave & Busters AND receiving an extra 2 hours of ipad time.

Dr. Blastowick lifts Jim's shirt and immediately throws up. The black viscous liquid sleeping from Jim's nipples smells like rotten sewage and fish carcasses. The doctor wipes his mouth and, rather than continue his diagnosis, calls for an exorcist.

As soon as the exorcist enters the room, the rat-like substance begins to spray like a firehouse, pinning the poor priest to the wall. Thousands of gallons of the putrid emission spew into the room. Pam screams "Jim what the gently caress is going on" as Jim mugs the camera, a new idea for a prank beginning to form in his head. (The prank would basically be spraying Dwight with the foul bubbling satanic fluid)

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Dwight invites a coworker of his from work over to his house, to meet his sister Fannie. Jim is a nice, ordinary, young man who was popular in high school and now works in the warehouse of the local paper company. Despite his menial job, Jim maintains an optimistic attitude and frequently refers to the works of Dale Carnegie as inspiration for his genial outlook.

Jim becomes increasingly disconcerted by Dwight’s mother, who keeps referring to him as a “gentleman caller,” but sees the inner beauty in Dwight’s retiring, painfully shy sister. He tells her that she is “as uncommon as blue roses” and that someone ought to kiss her, then turns her toward him and kisses her on the lips.

Jim then makes an obviously false excuse to Dwight, claiming that he is “already engaged to Pam,” and rushes out, carrying with him Fannie’s glass unicorn that he earlier broke (as a prank).

RickRogers
Jun 21, 2020

Woh, is that a thing I like??
Jim keeps on referring to Dwight as "the Italian stallion" when talking about him to other co-workers.

Dwight initially takes this as a compliment until he is one day kidnapped and sent to a very unethical horse-breeder.

Erasable Penis
Aug 7, 2013
Jim mugs Dwight so hard he gets a concussion.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Jim claims he can caramelize an onion in 15 minutes. Dwight, drawing from generations of deep German country cooking wisdom, knows this to be impossible. When Dwight attempts to correct Jim, Jim publishes a recipe online then contracts a click farm to boost his engagements. Soon, every cooking blog copies this lie, and it becomes common wisdom that an onion only needs 15 minutes to caramelize.

Erasable Penis
Aug 7, 2013
Jim claims you must caramelize an onion for 15 hours. Dwight, drawing from generations of deep German country cooking wisdom, knows this to be impossible. When Dwight attempts to correct Jim, Jim publishes a recipe online then contracts a click farm to boost his engagements. Soon, every cooking blog copies this lie, and it becomes common wisdom that an onion tastes like charcoal.

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

Jim claims he can have marital ties with an onion for 15 minutes. Dwight has to slump dejectedly in a chair as Jim awkwardly humps a large spanish onion over his, Dwight's, desk to "prove Dwight wrong".

Sulphur compounds fill the air as Jim, eyes watering, mugs the camera.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim starts growing onions in his back yard, specifically telling everyone that they're the "stinkiest onions east of Kecksburg". None of this bothers Dwight at first, as Jim's suburban McMansion style home is miles away from Dwight's rustic farmhouse. Unfortunately, Jim's weird onions are also extremely hearty and fast to reproduce. Seemingly overnight, onions begin sprouting all around Scranton. Even Dwight sees a few popping up on the outskirts of his property. Annoyed, Dwight heads out to pluck the onions before any more can grow. When he does, he's met with a mugging face staring back at him from the surface of the onion. The face then screams, knocking Dwight unconscious.

Jim then pops up from behind a tree.

"They're not normal onions, Dwight. They're part mandragora.That's why they smell so bad."

Jim takes a big bite out of the human-faced plant. It squeals in pain like a wounded infant as Jim smiles.

RickRogers
Jun 21, 2020

Woh, is that a thing I like??
Jim claims that there are only 15 onions left in the world.
Dwight, drawing from generations of deep German generational trauma, believes him completely.
Soon, every food outlet within driving distance has been stripped of their supply of onions.
Back at his onion lair, Dwight nestles contendedly upon his hoard of sweet sulphurous treasures.

Pam is furious at having to change her recipe for dinner that evening, and Jim slinks shamefacedly away into the basement.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim pranks Dwight by your nviting him over for a backyard BBQ. Jim supplies beers and soft drinks, and cooks some burgers up on the grill. He melts the cheese and heats the thin-sliced onions up on the burgers themselves.

After everyone goes home, Pam asks what the prank was supposed to be. Jim thinks quickly and then says that he used a gas grill, which is suboptimal compared to charcoal. Pam is starting to suspect that Jim just wants excuses to spend time around Dwight.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dwight is completing some required HR training but keeps looking distracted. Angela is a bit concerned, so she asks him what's wrong. As he clicks through the various slides of the training presentation, he frowns. He's not sure what's wrong, he just knows something is wrong. Angela looks at the screen, sees nothing unusual, and tells Dwight that he has nothing to worry about. Dwight clicks to the next slide and frowns again. The slide asks him what he would do in a situation where a client asked him to make a donation to their political campaign, and whether this was a potential conflict of interest. Next to the text is a photo of a smiling woman, presumably the supposed client.

It clicks for Dwight then; he recognizes this woman. But from where? Dwight looks over at Jim, who just smiles smugly at him. Dwight returns to work and clicks to the next slide. It's another simple question about accepting gifts from clients, complete with another photo of a random woman. Dwight again recognizes this woman, but can't imagine where. What sick and twisted mind games is Jim up to, now? Are these photos of kidnapped people? Are these people Dwight once knew?

In a talking head segment, Jim admits that he replaced all the photos with pictures of pornographic actors and actresses.

"He'll figure it out eventually. Maybe."

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Dwight is completing some required HR training but keeps looking distracted. Angela is a bit concerned, so she asks him what's wrong. As he clicks through the various slides of the training presentation, he frowns. He's not sure what's wrong, he just knows something is wrong. Angela looks at the screen, sees nothing unusual, and tells Dwight that he has nothing to worry about. Dwight clicks to the next slide and frowns again. The slide asks him what he would do in a situation where a coworker brings dynamite into the workplace and starts tossing lit sticks around randomly as a prank. Dwight selected “Nothing. This is not a violation of company policy.” but was marked incorrect. The answer, apparently, was “Run, hide, or fight. Call the police as soon as you safely can.”

Dwight clicks to the next question: “Which of the following is not permitted under the dress code?” Again, Dwight furrows his brow as he selects the wrong answer. He’d picked (of course) that a well-tailored suit with a crisply knitted tie was not appropriate work attire; but apparently got it wrong again. According to the HR quiz, walking around nude except for tennis shoes was against company policy! Dwight frowns; that couldn’t be right, as Jim dressed that way constantly.

The next question further bewildered Dwight. Was it really out of compliance for Dunder Mifflin employees to order tiny versions of themselves to engage in bloody re-enactments of the civil war, except for the Tiny South to win, and to have a Tiny General Lee circle the office on a tiny horse screaming “Yeeeehaw!”? But… Jim just did that yesterday! And Toby said he couldn’t do anything under “Prank Exemption Law!”

Sighing, Dwight shut his laptop. Clearly, this HR quiz must itself be a prank. He looked over at Jim, who was mugging him.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dwight heads down to his basement to get a replacement light bulb, only to find the stairs now stretch impossibly deep into the earth. Irritated but still needing that light bulb, Dwight decides to follow the staircase down and find out where it goes. He clicks on his flashlight as, soon, the depths of the earth hungrily swallow up any natural light.

As Dwight heads deeper he discovers ancient cave paintings on the walls around him depicting strange, inhuman forms. He rolls his eyes, Jim has definitely put a lot of work into this prank. Bioluminescent moss begins to appear as Dwight plunges ever deeper, soon it coats the entire cave and Dwight is able to shut off his flashlight. The cave changes from a rocky exterior to a smooth, tiled form. The tiles are hard to read due to the coating off moss, but Dwight can see strange, alien symbols that appear to be some kind of language on them. Jeez, Jim, talk about going over the top.

Hours later, Dwight reaches a large room at the end of the hallway. He's no longer descending, so he believes that this is finally the end of things. He clicks his flashlight back on and sees thousands of corpses placed in tombs embedded in the walls. A necropolis, buried deep under Scranton, possibly for thousands of years. Looking closer, Dwight realizes that the corpses aren't quite human. They have slightly elongated limbs, their facial structure seems a bit fish-like, and some of the older skeletons seem to have multiple sets of arms and legs.

Dwight sighs as he can't find a single lightbulb down here at all. He heads back for the stairs just as something begins skittering around in the darkened room. As he heads upstairs, he can hear something being dragged up the stairs behind him. He rolls his eyes again, Jim's dipped into this well a few too many times for it to have any impact on Dwight any more. Hours later, Dwight finally reaches the foundation of his home and closes the door behind him. Something begins scratching against the door behind him. When Angela asks if she needs to be worried, Dwight simply says this is "one of Jim's dumb pranks" and suggests they go outside for a while.

At work the next day Dwight asks Jim if digging up the basement and planting all that "weird stuff" down there was worth it. Jim appears confused for a second, then mugs.

"Y-yeah. Gotcha real good, balloon boy."

In a talking head segment Jim admits that he has no idea what Dwight's talking about. He then looks off camera for a moment and asks if they can end the interview.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
One day, a freak solar storm instantly kills everyone with a pacemaker. Planes fall from the sky, buses crash into buildings, and all digital watches freeze at exactly the same minute. Birds, who are apparently blind now, lose their sense of direction and entire flocks of birds fly directly into buildings. Dead birds rain from the sky all around Scranton.

For months, Dwight had been teaching himself seismology in an effort to detect the most fertile beet growing soil. He inadvertently makes a horrifying discovery - the core of the earth has stopped spinning. The Earth's magnetic field is breaking down, and in less than 60 days will disappear all together, causing untold chaos and unimaginable loss of life, as every polarized water molecule will instantly be ionized by solar radiation, essentially flash boiling all living life.

Dwight rushes to present his findings to the president of the united states, who charges Dwight with leading a team consisting of a scrawny hacker, a sexy geologist, and an expendable pilot. The mission - to drill into the core of the earth and ignite a nuclear bomb, which will restart the flow of magma around the core.

Although Dwight raises several valid points about the scientific impossibility of this plan, the president nevertheless directs them to Dr. Jim "Piccolo Beefcake" Halpert who claims to have discovered a new element that strengthens in response to heat and pressure and also generates electricity. Once again Dwight raises concerns that this is an obviously bullshit claim, easily refuted to anyone with a cursory knowledge of the periodic table, but once again his objections are overruled.

Dwight and his crew load into the mining vessel that looks like a 1969 hannah barbara cartoon supervillian vehicle, and they prepare to be dropped into the ocean above the marinara trench. As soon as the vessel enters the water and descends the first 33 feet, the extra atmosphere of pressure crushes the vessel like an aluminum can. A single large air bubble breaches the surface as the crushed vehicle sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Dr. Jim cocks his head sideways and mugs the camera.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim grows irritated with the fact that Dwight has been one step ahead of him lately, constantly outwitting him and avoiding even his most multi-layered pranks. Jim demands that Dwight should be "nerfed".

At this point a NERF blaster slowly lowers from the ceiling, aims itself at Dwight's balls, and fires a dart. It bounces off of Dwight's crotch with an audible "Boi-yoi-yoing" sound, and Dwight falls to the ground clutching his genitals and moaning in pain.

Jim mugs for the camera.

InsertPotPun
Apr 16, 2018

Pissy Bitch stan

RickRogers posted:

Jim does the face off thing with Dwight, but he didn't really think the prank, or its consequences through and also the doctor that performed the surgery was definitely not a real doctor.
jim canceled dwight's appointment with his face/off doctor and reschedules with "dr crace/off"
michael does not believe dwight about the appointment and refuses to allow him to leave.
jim, using dwight's face, jims the camera

RickRogers
Jun 21, 2020

Woh, is that a thing I like??
Jim chases a terrified Dwight around the office with a net and trident. The other workers are enjoying the spectacle; frothing at the mouths and baying for blood.

Dwight trips and falls over Creed's outstretched leg, followed by Jim, quick as an eagle, bearing down upon his prey. He presses the weapons wicked prongs heavily into Dwight's crotch.
Jim pauses for a decision from Michael, mugging for the audience as they demand the death of Dwight's balls.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim grabs Dwight’s car keys off of his desk and throws them as hard as he can out an open window. Thankfully, Jim’s emaciated frame and overall lack of coordination means the keys plop on the floor a few inches away from Dwight. Dwight picks them up but recoils when he touches them - a thin, gelatinous goo coats the keys and is now stuck to Dwight’s hand.

Dwight tries to wipe his hand off on the carpet but the goo won’t come off and now Dwight is stuck. He struggles to remove his hand as Jim squats over Dwight and begins secreting more of the sticky ooze from his pores.

Goo pours down on Dwight, quickly coating him completely and sealing him to the floor. Jim is utterly silent the entire time, his body slowly become more gelatinous itself as he produces more and more of the adhesive slime. By the time Dwight is coated and stuck to the floor Jim resembles a skeleton floating inside a clear gelatin mold shaped like a human body.

Jim then vomits up a massive quantity of the goo on Dwight’s face, sealing his orifices and leaving him with no hope of surviving. Seemingly content, Jim sloshes back to a standing position and walks towards the bathroom, leaving a sticky trail of slime behind him. He kneels over the toilet and begins to ooze into the bowl, his skeleton being left behind at the base of the toilet, now utterly lifeless. The goo oozes down the toilet, gurgling as it forces its way down into the sewers of Scranton.

“Wow, cleanup on aisle Jim anybody?” Andy says with an awkward laugh.

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
Jim forces Pam to go on the Steve Wilkos show to claim that Dwight is the father of her child.

Pam gets on the stage and has to painfully tell the audience in a moment of weakness she and Dwight slept together and little Jimsdin Halpert was born 9 months later and might not be her husband's child.

After lengthy polygraph tests and DNA tests, it's finally proven that Dwight.... is NOT the father.

Dwight starts breakdancing on stage and pelvic thrusting towards the audience, moonwalking his way back to his seat.

"There are a few things from the polygraph test we do need to discuss, though, Dwight..." Steve says. "I want to start with the first question. "Are you, in fact, the hijacker known as DB Cooper...."

"This is the first time I'm hearing that question!" Dwight protests.

"Well, the paper says your response was no, but the test said you were lying."

The audience starts whispering to themselves.

"Well, the next question: Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Nazi Party..."

Backstage, Jim, in his polygraph administrator disguise, mugs to the green room security camera.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim has been annoying Dwight all week taking Polaroids of random occurrences at the office. Dwight invites him to his son’s birthday party, but Jim arrives without his camera, wearing a black suit. Dwight asks, “Now where is your camera? Aren't, aren't you going to take some pictures?”

Jim, without his trademark smirk, asks “Pictures of what?”

“You know. Crying babies. Covered in chocolate. People singing happy birthday to my son, who've never even met him before. You know, the whole routine.” responds Dwight.

Jim, confused, asks, “Where do you think we are?”

Dwight turns around, as if seeing his surroundings for the first time. He’s at Mose’s funeral.

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

Jim shoots Dwight in the bollocks with a handgun

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim brings 50 pounds of his "famous" Tater Tot Casserole to the office pot luck. Proudly setting it on the table, Jim tells everyone that he learned the recipe from watching 19 Kids and Counting.

"Jim, you probably shouldn't mention that part."

"What do you mean, Oscar? It's where I learned it."

Oscar tells Jim to google it, and Jim heads to his desk for a moment as he begins to read one horrific article after the other. Jim vomits in his garbage can, then walks over to the casserole. He picks up the trays of casserole and throws them out a window, where they crash onto Dwight's car.

"Heh heh, well I guess it's not all bad," Jim says with a small giggle as he wipes a tear from his eyes.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dwight shows up to the office to find it decorated like a Christian revival tent, complete with speakers playing gospel music and audio of people cheering and chanting. As Dwight heads to his desk, Jim walks in from the bathroom. He's wearing a long white robe with a gold cross printed on the front. His hair is slicked back and he begins strutting around the office.

"Dwight! Brother Dwight! Thank you for showing up today. Now let me ask you; what ails you, my brother?"

Sensing a chance to derail this prank, Dwight decides to call Jim's bluff. He mentions his recent issues with the urologist, knowing that Jim's phony theatrics couldn't possibly do anything about that, even with a placebo effect.

"URINE DEMONS BE GONE!" Jim screeches before slapping Dwight full-force in the forehead. Dwight falls to the ground in shock and pain, then feels a tremor rocket through his body and hover around his crotch. A purplish cloud rises from Dwight's crotch and floats in the air for a moment before Jim mugs at it and it dissipates.

"Did you see that, Brother Dwight? That was the evil that plagued you, that ruined your urethra, that caused you such pain and suffering. Now all I ask you, my friend, is 'do you believe?' Brother Dwight, DO YOU BELIEVE?"

Dwight is so utterly shocked by this event that he can just mutter "y-yeah", which makes Jim mug even harder and strut around the office. Dwight is left in a daze the entire day, unsure of what happened or what kind of prank this might be. He calls his urologist at lunch and asks if they could see him that night.

"Well, Dwight, this is pretty incredible, but all of these tests show that you're totally fine. I don't know how to explain it, but your urinalysis shows that everything's back to normal. Dwight, did you majorly change your diet or anything? Any kind of trauma or major life changes? This is unheard of."

Dwight lies and says that he's just been eating healthy lately, nothing exceptionally different. The doctor says she'd like to see Dwight again in a few weeks, but that this seems like incredibly good news. Dwight thanks her and heads home. He tosses and turns all night, his dreams filled with images of a nude Jim nailed to a cross and mugging. When Dwight wakes up he's soaked in sweat and Angela asks if everything's okay. Dwight again lies and says he's fine, he must have just gotten hot last night.

At work that day Dwight asks Jim exactly what kind of power he used to heal his medical issues. Jim smiles.

"Oh, trust me, you'll find out soon enough."

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim stalks Dwight, Ryan, and then Kevin through the warehouse and slays them sequentially with a butcher knife. He chops up their corpses while everyone else screams in terror and brings their body parts home.

The next day, Jim whistles as he brings a big copper pot into the office potluck. He drops it on the table and looks directly at Dwight (who, as usual, has no memory of the previous day but feels an odd sense of foreboding and malevolence when he sneaks a glance at Jim), drops off his famous beet casserole (which has won several international awards).

Jim smiles. “Hey, buddy. Make sure you try some of my chili today. It’s made especially from- I mean- for you, Ryan, and Kevin.”

Stoner Sloth
Apr 2, 2019

Stoner Sloth fucked around with this message at 03:05 on Jun 7, 2023

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin


Jim tapes dozens of megaphones together, then says “TESTING!”. The sound is so heavily amplified that it becomes a destructive wave of concussive energy, aimed directly at Dwight. Although Dwight survives, his eardrums are shattered and he develops a rare condition known as “shaken organ syndrome”.

“Wow, Dwight, I didn’t realize this would harm you so much. Here, take a nice cold refreshing sip of this beer.”

Dwight doesn’t hear any of this due to his broken eardrums, but does think he deserves a beer right now. As he cracks open the cold one, he instantly realizes that Jim has shaken it up, possible in a paint can shaker, and it’s going to explode.

“APRIL FOO-“

Jim’s last words are cut off by the explosion, which destroys half of Scranton.

The Awesomesaurus
Feb 15, 2006

I'm too cool to be extinct.

Several buildings and pieces of artwork around Scranton are graffitied with the name “El Jimo”. As a volunteer with the sheriff’s department, Dwight works diligently to identify this dastardly vandal.

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The Hello Machine
Jul 19, 2021

I'm not a real machine, but I am a real Hello-sayer.
Jim flips his eyelids inside out and Dwight hates it

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