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Voting for  purely on the strength of my cherished memory of a skit they did in WWE where Undertaker was trying to train him against a couple of little jobbers and when Jones couldn't pull off the moves right he just lost his mind and started beating the poo poo out of them while Undertaker wailed,"NATE! NATE! NOOO! NOOOOOO NATE, NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  "
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Jun 7, 2023 04:15
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Voted nate. Gotta have the mad max man do the car crash
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Jun 7, 2023 05:13
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlczHHBqRFI  Already emotionally vulnerable after his one-sided loss in the tournament, Jan Nortje was devastated by his inability to earn a single vote. Needing to relive the high point of his career, he vowed to fight Bob Sapp over and over until he felt better. The Professional Fighters League is promoting Nortje vs Sapp 27 this November. Sapp has vowed to make it out of the first minute this time.   Giant Silva's career was bolstered by his strong showing in the Tallest Boy Car Crash, and with Vince McMahon and his need for tall people once again in control of the WWE, Silva was rehired on the spot. He went on to win the Royal Rumble, defeat Dominik Mysterio, and pin Roman Reigns in the main event of WrestleMania, all without ever once bending his knees. He has a line of designer sweatpants coming out in the summer.   Unable to cope with having come so close to victory only to fail by a single vote, Nathan Jones disappeared back into the dark depths of the Boggo Road Gaol, vowing to seek his revenge on all the cars of the world. No one knows his whereabouts or how he can be sated, but there's a saying in Australia: If you are driving down the road, and you see Nathan Jones behind you, you need to drive slightly faster, and he will give up and go home.   Choi Hong-Man destroyed the car.  Regular programming resumes tomorrow.
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Jun 8, 2023 06:59
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CarlCX posted:Choi Hong-Man destroyed the car. Beautiful in its simplicity 
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Jun 8, 2023 08:46
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 HENRY "SENTORYU" MILLER vs WESLEY "CABBAGE" CORREIRA IN THE RED CORNER:  HENRY "SENTORYU" MILLER 5'9" / 280 lbs Retired at 6-16 (1) Winning ratio: 26% Victory method ratio: 83% KO, 17% SUB, 0% DEC First mainland American to reach Makuuchi in Sumo, beat Asashōryū once Best win: Min-Soo Kim Worst loss: Giant Silva Record against other Abbotts: Loss to Zuluzinho In the first round of our tournament, the former sumo Sentoryu was fortunate enough to run into one of the more esoteric Abbotts of the bracket: Johnathan Ivey, the road warrior whose love of leglocks, unrequited adoration of a monster, and unwillingness to update his mukbang Youtube channel ultimately doomed him. Sentoryu squashed him, 79% to 21%, in the biggest rout of the tournament thus far. But it wasn't all wine and roses. Most of the enthusiasm for Henry came from his sumo record and his fight with Giant Silva; the lion's share of the voting seemed to come from distaste for his opponent. Sentoryu walks into the quarterfinal round prepared to fight an uphill battle--but he's a 5'9" half-American sumo who lost 75% of his fights. He's never let long odds stop him from letting his hands go and he's not about to start. IN THE BLUE CORNER:  WESLEY "CABBAGE" CORREIRA 6'3" / 253 lbs Retired at 21-16 Winning ratio: 57% Victory method ratio: 80% KO, 10% SUB, 5% DEC, 5% DQ Icon Sport heavyweight champion, Superbrawl 24 quarterfinalist Best win: Travis Wiuff Worst loss: Kazuhiro Hamanaka Record against other Abbotts: Beat Tank Abbott, Lost to Tank Abbott, Beat Butterbean in kickboxing Good ol' Cabbage had a similarly strong showing in the first round, crushing the dreams and balls of the South Korean star Aorigele by 73%. Aorigele's strength of schedule (or lack thereof) crumbled in the face of Cabbage's journey through the peaks and valleys of mixed martial arts, and the baby-headed brawler soared to success on a wave of head trauma and happy memories. The biggest concern raised about Cabbage was his lack of ill intent. The Tank Abbott gameplan has always centered around inflicting as much pain as possible, as quickly as possible, but it's impossible to look at the career of Wesley Correira without reflecting on his stylistic tendency to take a dozen punches to land one. Cabbage, of course, took the blow and punched his opponent into the ground, as he has so many times, and as he is prepared to do once more.  The easiest measures of the distances between these men are intent and success. Henry Miller was not a particularly successful practitioner of combat sports. The Tank Abbott success baseline is a modest 40%: Sentoryu's 26% is well below that bar, and moreover, some of those losses came against, without hyperbole, some of the worst fighters in the sport. His victories were few and farbetween, and while his competition varied in quality, an argument could be made that he failed to rise to the overachieving mark of an Abbott and settled instead for being a particularly memorable jobber. But there isn't a single shred of doubt about the Abbottness of his methodology. If you were in the ring with Henry Miller, you knew, without hesitation, that he was going to try his hardest to gently caress you up. He didn't want to kick you, he didn't want to jab you, he wanted to barrel haymakers into your face until you fell over, and if you made it two minutes in and you were still upright, you were almost certainly going to win. Sentoryu didn't have much gas and he didn't have much strategy, so he threw everything into fearsome berserker punching rage. Wesley Correira was never an angry fighter. His exceedingly chill nature, if anything, only further emphasized his toughness--it's one thing to take a dozen punches to the face and stay upright, it's another entirely when you don't even appear particularly bothered and your only concern is throwing back. Cabbage would all but invite opponents to tee off on him if it meant getting to stick a hand to their chin or a knee to their sternum. Which is his most defining feature as a fighter--but the one that most delineates him from Tankdom. Violence is to be inflicted, never received. His career, however, is an extremely solid analogue. Fighting in early-days MMA tournaments out in SuperBrawl, cleaning house on the lower tier of heavyweights, getting just far enough to meet the best of the best a couple of times and, of course, getting absolutely crushed by them. He even fought Tank Abbott himself twice, and the experience serves as even more of a Schrödinger's Abbott situation: He beat Tank in the UFC after battering him bloody only to have Tank punch him into the fetal position in a Hawaiian rematch two years later. So who, in round two, is the truer Tank: A man who fought a dead ringer for his style and failed miserably, or a man who carved his own path and unintentionally found himself in the jungles of Abbott?  CAST YOUR VOTE
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Jun 8, 2023 19:04
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My heart told me to vote cabbage. Reasons, as far as my emotions can tell me: looks like a cabbage, really exceptional victories and defeats, especially over the OG Tank. Rising above the mediocrity your body and skills provide by dumb luck, toughness, and, most importantly, defeating lovely opponents are all very important Tank aspects to me. His lack of anger will probably keep him from winning this tournament, but I think he takes it over Miller.
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Jun 8, 2023 19:18
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i loved cabbage back in the day for his willingness to show he had no brain to turn off. i hope he's OK and he's got my vote
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Jun 8, 2023 19:21
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I'm heartily sorry to have missed this thread until now. It's a reminder to actually look at subforums instead of just posting in the same bookmarked threads. I'm sad not to see Bob Sapp in the tournament. I can think of a few good reasons to disqualify him and a few to include him. I don't know why I like talking about him so much, I just find his career fascinating. It's easy to hate him for the poo poo he pulled, but now I see him as a desperate and largely unwitting tool of the gangsters running K-1. It says a lot about Giant Silva that he's billed at 7'2", 380 lbs. and losing to him is considered an embarrassment.
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Jun 8, 2023 22:01
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Voted Miller if u ain’t mean u ain’t tank
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Jun 9, 2023 18:28
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Am I crazy or did Cabbage use a vampire/pitbull teeth mouthguard? And that was part of the marketing hype going into the Arlovski fight?
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Jun 9, 2023 18:54
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Did Arlovski get the idea from him?
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Jun 9, 2023 18:58
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Halloween Jack posted:I'm heartily sorry to have missed this thread until now. It's a reminder to actually look at subforums instead of just posting in the same bookmarked threads. I think in his prime Sapp was a great Tank analogue; he was huge and powerful and mean and didn't have a great idea of what he was doing but he knew he had to do it within five minutes or he was boned, and the only real controversy about his Tankdom would be if Tanks have to LOOK like they're in bad shape as opposed to Sapp's steroids-for-lunch aesthetic. But at this point in his it's-been-five-years-since-his-last-non-Fight-Circus-fight-so-I-hope-he's-retired career, it's hard to avoid that he spent about five years being a scary guy and about ten years being a comedy jobber who more or less admitted to throwing fights as fast as possible because he wanted to make money to offset the debts he incurred. I think he transitioned fully away from Tank status and into Jobber status by the end of his career. I may have another text file in my folder about a King of the Jobbers tournament with his name on it, though.
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Jun 9, 2023 18:59
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I appreciate the response! I thought about it, and I think that even if he'd retired in 2008, he has a few factors against him. For one, he actually won a K-1 World Grand Prix. He only won thanks to blatant referee favoritism against bad opponents, but he did win. And he beat multiple world-class fighters, by cheating. He also has a good-looking physique, even if he gasses about as quickly as a Tank Abbott. But the main problem with qualifying Sapp as a Tank is that he was--how do I put this? A coward. He had a Tankish killer instinct early on, but that vanished the moment Cro Cop broke his face. As soon as he realized that the other guy could actually hurt him, his bravado vanished. He still bull rushed people into the corner and threw rabbit punches, but that was less out of viciousness and more because he was almost totally unskilled. For a frighteningly strong, fast guy, he doesn't have a lot of highlight-reel KOs. I used to hate Sapp for being a danger to more competent fighters, but in retrospect I think he was not such a bad guy. He was a desperate guy with no options, who played along with the extremely corrupt poo poo that K-1 had planned for him. I wonder if Sapp could win a tournament of superheavyweights.
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Jun 9, 2023 19:38
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I’m a life long wrestling guy so I don’t think I’m qualified to vote in the thread but I just want to say it’s great and it kicks rear end
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Jun 9, 2023 19:39
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if you're a tank abbott guy, you can vote imo. have a beard? vote. big belly? vote. a professional journeyman? vote. like pro wrestling? vote - tank was a wrestler. if you're into human beef and brawn, you're qualified to vote as far as im concerned
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Jun 9, 2023 19:57
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Eat This Glob posted:if you're a tank abbott guy, you can vote imo. have a beard? vote. big belly? vote. a professional journeyman? vote. like pro wrestling? vote - tank was a wrestler. if you're into human beef and brawn, you're qualified to vote as far as im concerned Well poo poo, I’m at least half of those things. Guess I am qualified!
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Jun 9, 2023 20:35
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Voted Cabbage because I mean cmon just look at the guy
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Jun 9, 2023 23:20
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Walking through a mile of fists to deliver a punch feels very Tank.
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Jun 9, 2023 23:21
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ive been on a wrong side of most of these votes but i look at tank in a vacuum of what he was for his active career and not afterwards, so i take value in being a guy who fights against his best interests style wise in the interest of trying to hurt opponents who are probably worse than him but defeat him due to his own ignorance and lack of hespec towards them.
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Jun 9, 2023 23:51
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  Henry "Sentoryu" Miller, the Sumo Abbott, has been eliminated. Quarterfinal #2 begins this afternoon.
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Jun 10, 2023 10:01
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 TANK ABBOTT vs MARK HUNT IN THE RED CORNER:  DAVID "TANK" ABBOTT 6'0" / 250 lbs Retired at 10-15 Winning ratio: 40% Victory method ratio: 70% KO, 20% SUB, 10% DEC Unsuccessfully fought for the UFC Heavyweight Championship and the King of the Cage Superfight Championship, held a knife to a man's throat on a WCW pay-per-view Best win: Paul Varelans Worst loss: Ruben Villareal Record against other Abbotts: Both won and lost against Wesley Correira Tank Abbott strode into his own tournament and destroyed a zombie. Despite the rare achievement of actually dying in a fight, Dada 5000 only won 30% of his vote and, like so many, fell to the man himself. In hindsight, I'm not sure anyone could have successfully eliminated Tank Abbott from the first round of the Tank Abbott Tournament. No matter how solid a case, it would have been a very, very hard sell. Tank occupies a unique metaphysical space within this bracket. Where most fighters need arguments made for their inclusion, Tank Abbott is inherent to the fabric of this category of fighter. He created it. It would not exist without him. The question of who can defeat Tank Abbott in a Tank Abbott contest is a complex one. How do you be Tank Abbott But Better when, should you become too much better, you are no longer bad enough to be Tank Abbott? IN THE BLUE CORNER:  MARK "THE SUPER SAMOAN" HUNT 5'10" / 265 lbs Retired at 13-14-1 (1) Winning ratio: 45% Victory method ratio: 77% KO, 0% SUB, 23% DEC Won the 2001 K-1 World Grand Prix, Unsuccessfully fought for the Pride and UFC heavyweight championships Best win: Frank Mir Worst loss: Hidehiko Yoshida Record against other Abbotts: Beat Roy Nelson, beat Derrick Lewis Mark Hunt's round of sixteen came against one of the tournament's biggest losers both figuratively and literally: Jan "The Giant" Nortje, who not only lost to Hunt by 72% of the vote, but went on to enter the four-man Tallest Boy Car Crash and come away with precisely 0% that vote, too. Mark Hunt punched Jan Nortje so hard he couldn't regain consciousness in time for his second competition. While it didn't stop him from achieving a crushing victory, concerns were raised about his qualifications and his style. Some cited his technical prowess as a kickboxer, some his K-1 championship and title contendership as too high a level of achievement, and others, his penchant for walk-off KOs as a strike against his capacity for violence. Was his high voting margin a sign of secret strength, or the weight of momentum? Yeah, we're just loving getting into it, right here. When I wrote out the initial sixteen candidates, Tank Abbott was the obvious number one: Mark Hunt was number two. I had this fight pegged as one of the possible finals for this tournament, but the random number generator did not want to wait, and we must abide by its wishes. I think, in an awful lot of ways, these two are fantastic mirrors of one another.
The primary knock on Mark Hunt is his sense of control over his violence. Hunt could be a patient, thoughtful striker and he could be a violent, wild-eyed brawler, battering some men into dirt and finding one-hit, walk-off knockouts sufficient for others. He absolutely had the Abbott brawling streak in him--but the ability to switch it on and off, the ability to put away the violence for strategy and simplicity, is decidedly un-Tanklike, and having the chance to inflict more violence and choosing not to is EXTREMELY un-Tanklike. At least, it seems like it should be. Here's the thing about Tank Abbott: When you actually watch his entire career, you start to notice deviations from his all-brawling reputation. He throws caution to the wind and swings wildly--until he has a good reason not to. Against Scott Ferrozzo, upon realizing he was getting hit as often as he was throwing, he started aggressively cage-clinching. Against Maurice Smith, knowing he was dealing with a superior striker, Tank starts pumping a jab and trying to work takedowns. Even against Yoji goddamn Anjo Tank gasses almost immediately, switches tactics, and spends the entire fight taking Anjo down and laying in his guard. In other words: Tank, too, had a violence switch. But where Mark Hunt flipped it when he wanted to, Tank Abbott flipped it when he needed to. But that gets us to even deeper epistemological debate. Tank would grind people out, but he was still roughing them up and punching them in the face. Is that more defensible in its commitment to violence than Mark Hunt's occasionally patient striking tactics? Hunt actually had a higher knockout rate than Tank Abbott and never successfully submitted anyone. Does that make him a more ardent supporter of the punching arts? Does Mark Hunt centering himself in striking technique rather than Tank's dirty wrestling technique make him more or less of an Abbott? And of course, while he never got to the top of the mountain in mixed martial arts, Mark Hunt did win the K-1 World Grand Prix in 2001. Is that success ameliorated by his getting in despite losing both of his qualifying matches AND losing in the first round only to jump forward thanks to an injury? Or does his moment in the sun make him too high of an achiever? For all of their similarities and all of their mirroring failures, is Mark Hunt an acceptable Tank Abbott 2.0? Or is the original mold still better? CAST YOUR VOTE
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Jun 10, 2023 18:26
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Tank Abbott - the Tankiest Abbott. When you absolutely, positively got to hold a knife to the throat of every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes.
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Jun 10, 2023 18:45
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Voted Tank because I dont want to bestow such a horrid curse on Hunto
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Jun 10, 2023 19:05
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Mark could have gone all the way but met the man himself too early
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Jun 10, 2023 19:33
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LobsterMobster posted:Voted Tank because I dont want to bestow such a horrid curse on Hunto lmao 100% same hunto is 2 good 2 b tank
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Jun 10, 2023 22:29
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CarlCX posted:How do you be Tank Abbott But Better when, should you become too much better, you are no longer bad enough to be Tank Abbott? CarlCX posted:the obvious number one: Mark Hunt
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Jun 11, 2023 00:10
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I suppose that's the question, is Mark Hunt too good to be Tank Abbott? It would be like doing the Giant Gonzalez tournament for poo poo big men and having Great Khali in it, yes Khali was poo poo but he was also over whereas Gonzalez never was.
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Jun 11, 2023 00:31
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Eat This Glob posted:hunto is 2 good 2 b tank
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Jun 11, 2023 00:31
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Eat This Glob posted:hunto is 2 good 2 b tank 
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Jun 11, 2023 02:00
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I think this Tank Abbot fella has a punchers chance to win the Tank Abbot tournament.
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Jun 11, 2023 15:20
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if tank doesn't lose at some point then he didn't really win the thank abbott tournament
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Jun 11, 2023 17:12
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What do you call the evolved tank though. The tank II
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Jun 11, 2023 19:33
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ilmucche posted:What do you call the evolved tank though. The tank II Mark Hunt, imo.
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Jun 11, 2023 20:06
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Hunt, mk II
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Jun 11, 2023 20:22
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Cavauro posted:if tank doesn't lose at some point then he didn't really win the thank abbott tournament There is only one tank and that is tank-22,
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Jun 11, 2023 22:08
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Pretty tough call on this one, at first I was thinking that Hunt's Christianity works against him, but honestly these days it's such a brain damaged version that sees no dissonance with horrendous acts of violence. His tweets with no periods, commas, or discernable sentence structure feels like the kind of thing Tank would have posted had he been able. Another factor is whether Hunt exploited his fame the way Tank attempted to. I don't know if we've discussed this yet, and maybe it isn't a valid factor, but did Tank really push and try hard to get on Friends and in the WWE, or did they approach him? Is milking your small modicum of fame a relevant issue in the Tank tournament?
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Jun 11, 2023 22:57
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Khizan posted:Mark Hunt, imo. 
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Jun 11, 2023 23:14
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Somewhere, Jon Hess is both seething that he didn't even make it into either tourney and telling whoever's willing to listen that everyone in them are pussies.
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Jun 12, 2023 00:22
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if you adjust for inflation, Hunt is absolutely Tank 2.0, which is twice as much as Tank 1.0. succeeded just enough to fail on a bigger stage? it's obvious
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Jun 12, 2023 02:27
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| # ? May 29, 2024 22:25 |
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  Mark Hunt, the Walk-off Abbott, has been eliminated. Quarterfinal #3 begins at some point today depending on appointment timing.
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Jun 12, 2023 10:49
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