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Jim gets punched hard in the teeth and everyone pretends they didn't see it
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Aug 3, 2023 20:09
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| # ? May 29, 2024 07:36 |
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Jim steals a weather control device from Area 51 and uses it to create a hurricane inside of Dwight's brain.
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Aug 3, 2023 20:14
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Jim loses more and more weight while pranking Dwight harder and harder. Jim is barely 70 pounds and struggles each moment to bring Dwight ever increasing levels of stress. Dwight finally screams at Jim. "Talk about...". Jim collapses to the floor and his body begins to shut down. "Snapping into a slim Jim." Jim expels the last bit of his strength to mug at the camera. A fully formed and healthy Jim tears itself from the sack of skin and resumes watching Minecraft streams as his dying previous incarnation squeals on the floor at Dwight's feet for several hours before turning to clown paper confetti.
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Aug 3, 2023 21:34
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kevin, with creed on his shoulders, approaches dwight at his desk. when dwight looks up creed spreads his arms and makes a loud screeching sound while flapping. fearing for his life from this larger threat dwight runs out the door. creed dismounts and he and kevin share dwight's desk snacks. jim grins from the conference room and turns off the national geographic episode he showed kevin earlier.
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Aug 3, 2023 21:47
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It's a beautiful day in Scranton but Jim seems oddly distressed. He doesn't prank Dwight or anyone else all day, causing Dwight to ask if everything's okay. "No, no it's not. My old high school bully is coming to town and I just know he's going to do something terrible to me. I have a lot of self confidence issues from those days." Jim goes on in detail about how he was bullied and picked on in high school due to his appearance, his occasional awkwardness, and his unathletic nature. Dwight says he understands, he too was bullied. Jim says that he's terrified all of his childhood trauma is going to come flooding back when his bully visits. "He used to call me 'Jimmy Jerkoff' because I accidentally got a boner in science class one time, Dwight. For 2 years that's all anyone called me. I didn't date, I didn't go to prom, I didn't even have friends." Dwight hugs Jim and says he would have been his friend. Jim thanks him and asks what he can do to prepare for his bully. Dwight explains that the bully's now a full grown adult and it's doubtful that he still wants to revisit those awkward teenage years. But, if he does, Jim has a lot of things to be proud of. He's married, has two possibly supernatural children, a house with an ever-shifting layout, and a job that pays him to gently caress around all day. It's basically the American dream. "Thanks," Jim says with a sniffle, "I needed that. I think I'm ready to handle him, and I think little 'Jimmy Jerkoff' feels a lot better about himself, too!" The next day, Jim breaks a window at an old woman's house and crawls in. He rushes up to the screaming woman and holds a knife against her throat. "Shut up, you old bitch! I heard your son's visiting you tomorrow. That's good, that's realllll good! Tell him that Jimmy Jerkoff did this. And tell him that I did this, too!" With that, Jim stabs the old woman in the gut and kicks her to the ground. He takes his knife and scratches a message into the wall: I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT DWIGHT SCHRUTE!" "I guess that Dwight guy isn't so bad after all," Jim says as he begins smashing furniture and slashing up the carpet, "I think we just got off on the wrong foot all those years ago."
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Aug 4, 2023 13:15
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A Fancy Hat posted:Stanley moves to Los Angeles to help his widowed nephew Lucky run his failing motorcycle repair/flower shop. The members of the office gladly donate some of their hard earned money, hoping to support the widowed father of two. However, Stanley soon goes quiet with updates and people grow concerned. https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/othe...air/ar-AA1eNdEv Jim convinces Stanley to return his donations, saying that this is "all part of the long con". When Dwight notices he's only getting back about 1/3 of what he donated, he questions Stanley. Before Stanley can answer, however, Jim hops in. "It's cuz of covid, Dwight. Covid and the writer's strike. Oh! And the actor's strike. Are you happy now, you loving vulture?"
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Aug 4, 2023 17:38
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Jim comes into the office with an ashy white face, a long black cloak, and is visibly pained by the light of the sun through the windows. Dwight worries if Jim is a vampire, but in reality, Jim has been spending his evenings as a scab actor in a vampire movie, and is also insanely hungover.
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Aug 4, 2023 17:46
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Jim joins a ska band, causing a violent rift in the office between those who enjoy ska and those who hate it. Meredith is taken to the hospital after a car bomb planted by pro-ska revolutionaries detonates just feet away from her. Jim vows to quit the ska band, saying that even he can't enjoy this much carnage. The ska non-aggression pact of 2023 is signed and peace returns to the office. Then Jim joins a mumble rap super group.
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Aug 4, 2023 17:54
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finally tired of the pranking dwight lifts a large wooden club above his head and prepares to hit jim over the head as he sits at his desk. without a word jim slaps a big red button on his desk. with a click the top of the club, still held high above dwight's head, pops open and a smaller jim, holding a smaller club over his head, is revealed. thinking quickly dwight thumbs a red switch on the side of his club and, with a click, smaller jim's club, still held above his head, pops open to reveal smaller dwight holding a smaller club. smaller jim clicks a red button on the side of his smaller club and the top of smaller dwight's club pops open to reveal smallest jim with the smallest club. smaller dwight smirks as he pushes a red button on his smaller club and the top of smallest jim's club clicks open revealing nothing. 15 miles away regular size jim hit's smallest dwight's snooze button again and mugs the camera.
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Aug 4, 2023 18:09
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Jim bakes delicious cinnamon buns for the office. Knowing that Dwight will always offer to let others eat before him, Jim only bakes enough for everyone in the office except for Dwight. Jim’s smile grows larger and larger as the cinnamon buns are eaten one after the other. Soon, only one bun remains and Michael walks up to the box. “Hey, Dwight, you want the last cinnamon bun?” Dwight says that no, he’s good, he’s trying to cut back on his sugar. “Suit yourself, buddy.” Michael eats the bun as Jim cackles like a maniac. Immediately, Michael turns to Jim. “Wait, what did you do to this? You loving freak, what did you put in this? EVERYONE!!!! I THINK JIM POISONED THE CINNAMON BUNS! INDUCE VOMITING! INDUCE VOMITING RIGHT NOW!” Everyone starts puking into garbage cans everyone, causing Dwight to puke due to the smell and sound. “Hey, this still worked out pretty good,” Jim says as he starts to dry heave.
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Aug 5, 2023 15:30
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jim's last words were his most ominous, "dwight," he whispered, growing weaker by the second, "death is but a doorway, time but a window, i'll be back."
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Aug 5, 2023 17:23
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Next day Jim comes into the office carrying a door and a window frame. He does not comment.
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Aug 5, 2023 17:57
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Jim tells Dwight that the only reason he's kept pranking him is as a distraction to keep him from learning about Angela's affair with Pam. "Well, that wife of yours broke my Pam's heart last night and ended it, so I'm ending this! Good luck finding someone else to prank you!" For the next 4 months, Dwight and Angela go to couple's counseling to explore how this happened and learn to become recommitted to one another. The office enjoys 160 prank free days at work and productivity goes through the roof. Dwight is about to close a big deal when he hears Michael shout. Turning to Michael's office, Dwight sees his boss bring a stapler encased in Jello out to show everyone and ask the staff how could such a thing happen. Dwight and Jim look at one another and the pair just shrug as they each go back to what they'd been doing just a few seconds earlier. Dwight completing the big sale, Jim playing a pay-to-win game on his phone.
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Aug 6, 2023 05:29
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As per usual, Dwight’s stapler is encased in gelatin. Oddly, however, he’s unable to remove it from the gelatin mold. It’s as if it’s sealed in there with concrete or something. “Let me see that thing, balloon boy,” Jim says, “I just used regular gelatin.” Jim, however, is also unable to free the office supply. In turn, nearly every member of the office tries to extricate the stapler from its sweet prison. None succeed. Finally, Oscar steps up. “Listen, it’s all a matter of physics here. You have to overcome the static force of the stapler, once you do that, you can easily slide this thing outta here.” Oscar grunts and yanks as hard as he can, but the stapler doesn’t move. “Okay, this is just magic bullshit or something then, I’m out.” For days the gelatin mold sits enticingly in the office, beckoning all comers to try and free the stapler. None can, however, and as Dwight purchases a new stapler, the old one is soon forgotten. Centuries pass and the gelatin mold becomes a footnote in history. Civilization falls, then rises again, then falls again. Mankind digs its way back out of the gloom and begins rebuilding again when the ruins of Scranton are discovered by a simple beet farmer and his companion, the village idiot. The beet farmer uses a torch to illuminate the office, where little remains except piles of rusted metal and a single floppy skeleton. His light reflects off the shimmering yellow of the gelatin mold, however, and he and his companion head towards it. The beet farmer asks what it is. “Why you asking me, cow bladder boy? But boy oh boy, do I wanna touch it!” The village idiot inserts his hand into the gelatin mold (to him, it feels as if he’s re-entered his mother’s womb for a moment) and grabs the stapler. He easily removes it. As the stapler is freed, the village idiot falls to the ground with a scream and grabs his head. Something is wrong, his mind feels like it did when he ate the odd mushrooms that grew inside the town’s well. His mind is filled with odd visions; men in odd clothing, strange machines, animals he’s never seen before, and bowl after bowl of soups, the likes of which he’s only dreamt of before. He stands up, transformed, and mugs at the beet farmer. The farmer asks if he’s okay. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Let’s get back home. I have some… ideas to share. Just… call me Jim, okay? I think that’s a name that suits me much better.” The beet farmer looks worried, but agrees to this. After all, what could it hurt?
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Aug 6, 2023 13:41
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it's early morning, crack of dawn, and dwight k shrute, beet farmer and full time paper salesman, is on his knees digging in his field. he wears old overalls with worn knees and crawls, dragging a basket behind him, pulling beets from the ground. he cries. and his tears leave a salty trail behind him. he scoots. he scoops. he pulls. and he cries. in the new dawn rays of sun his tears fall unto the beets he's grown so faithfully. he's read to them. he's played music. he's tended to them as if they were his own children and, with a spark of sunlight off a single tear, a beet sprite arises for the first time in centuries. "dwight k shrute" it says in its tiny voice, "you have become the rófubóndi with your love and faith. of this i can grant one wish, to heal your broken heart. it cries out to us in your tears. please rófubóndi, please, wish the cause of your tears away." dwight sits back, his childlike belief in magic making the moment easier to process than a purely cynical adult would have and, tears on his cheeks, he spoke to the beet fairy. "beet fairy i'm crying because of a co-worker. he torments me night and day. he's able to bend time and reality. he's far more powerful than any living being and he torments me. i don't know what i've done to deserve such a curse, but my wish would be for jim to have never existed." dwight violently vomits and passes out. waking with a start dwight sits bolt upright before being pulled back down into the softest mattress he's ever felt. not stuffed with straw this one. stuffed with angel wings it felt like. dwight stumbled out of bed marveling at his silk pajamas. if it wasn't for the slight swish of the fabric he would hardly know he was wearing anything at all. he then looked around the bright sunlit room. the walls were white marble with gold veins flowing throughout, the window clear crystal that faced the slowly rising golden dawn. dwight stumbled around the room, sumptuously appointed with overstuffed furniture, expensive fittings, and the most expensive looking television and home video system. dwight found a door painted the identical white marble color with gold filgree throughout and thrust himself out of it. he emerged in a long hall, white marble with gold veins. it appeared to be miles long. there was a small peep from his left and he whirled to face a large brunette in a form fitting jumpsuit. she was sitting at a small desk not unlike his one at work and she blushed and turned her face to the ground when dwight turned his attention on her, "my apologies sire, i'm new, i'm filling in for your last assistant to the tyrannical leader whom you had thrown off the parapet. not to imply you did not know that, sire. not to presume to know what you're thinking, sire. sorry, sire. have mercy, sire" dwight stared, mouth agape, as the large woman run out of words. his mind tried to process what she was saying. "you," he began before stopping to process more, "i wished jim away" he said out loud but to himself. the first part of the puzzle his mind was strugging to assemble. "begging your pardon, sire. not to question you, sire, but who is jim?" dwight waved his hand at her distractedly, he was trying to think, "a guy from work who pranks me." he threw out, purely to shut her up. "b-but, sire" the large brunette openly gawked, "who would prank you?? you're the unquestioned lord and master of the world, the tyrannical leader! your word is the killing word! your will is the will that turns the world! to stop you a person would have to destroy himself, his life. he would have to sacrifice everything he is or ever will be just to keep you down! such a person, a hero that would give his everything t keep the world from plunging into the shrute age, the age of death and madness, has NEVER existed!"
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Aug 6, 2023 21:17
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It's the middle of a perfectly normal workday, and Jim has been prattling on about how much better kids' movies used to be, before they "went woke," like Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken, which "is just more pro-kraken propaganda shoved down the throats of innocent kids," or Elemental, an "obvious pean to miscegenation, showing how far Pixar has fallen from the days when Buzz Lightyear was a real exemplar of masculinity; before the dégringolade of the Disney era." Although Jim has never been this eloquent before, it falls on deaf ears, as Dwight has been calmly entering some expense reports into his ledger and not listening or responding for the last two hours. Jim continues talking at his normal pace and speed, but sneaks the following into his unending monologue. "I'll bet you didn't realize that I can control time and space, did you? It would never occur to you that your coworker, who's been selling paper side by side with you for twenty years, could be doing literally anything, or be literally anywhere, at any time. I choose to be here, Dwight. I choose to stay, so that I can make your life an eternal hell." Jim resumes discussing how little money Disney's more recent films have made with obvious relish, and Dwight tilts his head slightly and nods while making a noncommittal noise, not having heard any of it. "Sure, Jim. Whatever you say." Jim mugs the camera.
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Aug 6, 2023 21:56
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Jim starts pushing Chips around in a baby carriage, prompting people to complain that Jim is infantilizing a dangerous animal. This finally comes to a head when Meredith’s son visits the office and, thinking Jim has a baby inside, tucks his head into the carriage to smile. Chips rips his face off (he’s okay, thankfully there’s an ambulance nearby) but the event is a chilling reminder that some animals cannot be domesticated. Jim then starts bringing an empty baby carriage to work and saying it’s “empty, much like my heart” so Dwight suspects he’s suffering from sort sort of postpartum ape fueled depression. He asks Jim if he wants to talk about what’s REALLY going on, causing Jim to burst into tears. “God, Dwight, it’s just… I don’t ask for much, but they won’t even let me have that. I just want my ape to be in a baby carriage that I keep near me at all times. God forbid I get a little joy in my life.” Dwight says that things will work out for the best, and tells Jim that he’ll do everything he can for him. Jim smiles. “Thanks, Dwight. I’ll keep that in mind.” Dwight doesn’t show up for work the next day and Angela is in tears, saying that she has no idea where he is. The police turn up no leads, it’s as if Dwight disappeared from his bed in the middle of the night. Jim is the only one who seems oddly calm, saying that he just knows Dwight’s gonna be okay. A few days later Jim shows up pushing his baby carriage again, apparently with Chips inside. The ape is hooting and hollering and flailing his limbs, and Toby prepares for the argument that’s bound to happen when he tells Jim to go home for the day. As he steps forward, he lets out a scream. Michael rushes up to see what’s wrong. “Oh, good Lord.” Inside the baby carriage is a deformed, tiny humanoid figure. Its body is covered in ragged stitches, the flesh red and swollen around them. The eyes shift around the room wildly, but with oddly human comprehension. Two tiny holes are in the creature’s Neanderthal-like forehead, which Michael realizes are lobotomy scars of some sort. The monstrous thing is wearing a soiled diaper and kicks its skinny legs out and back. “Please, Jim, please don’t tell me…” Michael isn’t able to complete his sentence. As he looks over the beast he notices a faded piece of a tattoo near one heavy stitch. It’s a beet. “What’s the matter, boss? Don’t you recognize the second best paper salesman here? Sure, he went a little ape, but he’s still MOSTLY the same guy!” Dwight, his min led stolen away from him, kicks and squirms in the baby carriage. His body, distorted by Jim’s hideous surgeries into a mockery of a baby chimp, breathes heavily and gives off an unnatural warmth. The eyes focus on Michael again and this time Michael vomits on the floor. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Aug 6, 2023 22:51
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https://youtube.com/shorts/Kj2M-Bw5vao?feature=share
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Aug 6, 2023 23:20
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A Fancy Hat posted:Jim gets one of his brothers hired as a janitor at Dunder Mifflin, hoping to have more chances to prank Dwight. His brother, however, has different plans. Well
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Aug 6, 2023 23:24
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Dwight's eyes adjust to the light in the room, but he notices something is off. Everything looks black-and-white... "Picture if you will, one Mr. Dwight Schrute..." Jim is in a suit in the corner of the room, addressing some unseen audience and avoiding eye contact with Dwight. "Local paper salesman, beet farmer, and family man. A man who seemingly has it all, but don't let that color your impressions of the man. You see, on this morning he has awoken to the sight of green grass, blue skies, and a yellow sun to discover that his vision is only that of shades of gray, that many of those shades are much darker than one can imagine... Here, in the Dwightlight Zone." Dwight drives to work that morning and is stopped for running a red light. The cop that kept pulling him over all had floppy hair that didn't seem to regulation for an officer of the law, as well as a Punisher Skull tattoo on their arm wearing a jester's hat. When he finally got to work, there was bedlam in the warehouse and Michael was calling all hands on deck to solve the problem. "The factory sent us reams upon reams with no labels! Open a corner up and figure out what color the paper is and put on the appropriate labels!" Dwight stared helplessly at the pallets of paper before him as Jim was proving himself an efficient worker bee and successfully sorting paper with the most subtle of difference in shade and tone. Dwight is accused of laziness by the rest of the staff, but has a meltdown and starts screaming he's not to blame and that Jim made him colorblind. Screaming and trying to attack Jim, Dwight is pulled away by the rest of the office staff and taken for a 'time out' in the break room while HR gets contacted. Jim puts on his suit jacket and begins addressing the fourth wall. "Dwight Schrute, an eternal reminder that no matter colorblind a man can be, he can still see red, at any time, or any place..." Jim mugs, "especially if that place is the Dwightlight Zone."
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Aug 7, 2023 03:23
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as dwight ascends the stage to accept his nobel peace prize from a beaming Barack Obama, jim springs from the crowd and flings a handful of lukewarm chili all over dwight's robes dwight looks on aghast as jim, riddled with gunfire from secret service agents, mugs the camera
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Aug 7, 2023 09:29
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At the outskirts of Scranton a meeting is held in an abandoned warehouse. A group of pranksters is trying to align its priorities. The who-is-who of the pranking world is present: chips, the monkey; squeaky shoe machine; Anti-Dwight; little brawler; Screechy; Asian Jim; Zorb; and of course Jim himself. The target of the pranks is quickly agreed upon: Dwight, gullible and well-meaning paper salesmen/beet farmer. But the group cannot agree on the method. The pranking styles just vary too wildly: suggestions of feces based pranks, pranks with annoying noises, pranks concerning the annihilation of everything Dwight, loud screetching and so on and so on float around the room with no agreement in sight. At the stroke of midnight during a short break in the wild discussion Jim decides to play his trump card: he announces he has an insider in Dwight's household. Gasps can be heard in the group as a shadowy figure comes into the cone of light. "Gentlemen, may I introduce you to Ms Angela Schrute!", declares Jim while Angela looks with the air of superiority around the group. "I have a suggestion to make." Angela says in an icy voice. A few minutes later only evil laughter can be heard from the inside of the warehouse... --- On the next morning on the underside of Dwight's car's door handle a nurdle of tooth paste can be seen.
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Aug 7, 2023 13:04
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Jim resurrects physical chain letters, sending thousands of them daily to the residents of Scranton. Most of them seem fairly innocuous, telling the reader that they could become "extremely lucky" if they simply forwarded the letter to 10 other people. A few are little more than repurposed urban legends, with Jim telling the reader that a "man with a hook hand" is attacking women in Target parking lots, and that this letter should be forwarded to "all the ladies in your life". The last remaining letters are all ploys for money, as Jim asks the reader to donate "whatever you can" to the "poor whites of Scranton". Although not financially successful, the chain letters do become incredibly popular and the residents of Scranton are regularly sending and receiving dozens of chain letters a day. The letters begin to clog up the already strained Scranton post office. Thousands of miles away, in a castle in the Black Forest in Germany, a very old man sits alone by his fireplace inside his massive, empty castle. "Dwight... why do you not respond to my letters? This castle, this land, the family treasures... all would be yours if only you would answer my summons!" A log in the fireplace pops and the old man closes his eyes for the night, perhaps for the very last time in his life. Back in Scranton, an overworked postal carrier uses a pitchfork to move another 200 lbs of Jim's junk mail to the sorting area. An unseen letter to Dwight from Lord Gezunheit of the Black Forest has wedged itself under a filing cabinet while 3 more are buried under nearly 50,000 letters that have been sent from The Halpert House.
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Aug 7, 2023 14:05
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Dwight inherits the lands, castle, and family fortune of Lord Gezunheit of the Black Forest after his untimely death. Dwight is initially hesitant to even respond to the letter, considering the multiple past pranks that have led to him spending the night in haunted houses, remote moors, and once on the moon, in order to inherit what turned out to be false promises of testamentary trusts. However, this letter is entirely legitimate. Lord Gezunheit of the Black Forest rewrote his will upon receiving report after report from the New World about the incredible acts of a single man, Dwight Shrute, whose charitable actions were matched only by the narrow escapes of his daring-do adventures. Dwight enters the Castle Gezunheit for the first time and explores the arched stonewalls, the echoing hallways, and the peaked drawing rooms. His attention suddenly fixes upon a painting above the mantel of the roaring fire. "What... who is that?" asks Dwight with a tremulous voice. "Oh, tis a sad tale," replies the executor of the estate, in an absurdly incongruous Yorkshire accent, "But the wee baby of Lord Gezunheit was gone taken many year' ago. He were to be the rightful heir of the castle, if only someone were to find him. We t'ink that the Fair Folk took him away, gone to the Weirding World." The picture represents a young Lord Gezunheit holding his infant son. In his youth, Lord Gezunheit was the spitting image Jim Halpert. The baby is staring directly out of the picture, and unmistakable smirk mugging expression on its tiny face. Dwight stands still for a few seconds, then sinks into the chair near the fire. "Take down the picture," he commands, "and throw it in the fire."
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Aug 7, 2023 15:09
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dwight sits alone in his parlor, a pale yellow candle flickers roughly. he sighs and checks his watch: five minutes to midnight. he thinks of the family curse: every eldest member of the schrude family cursed to die on their 44th birthday. dwight has no doubt of the curse: he's been alive for three. he worries, he frets, he stresses, and he sweats. the hour draws nigh. the ancient springs of a centuries old clock prepare to strike the hour. but dwight, having trained his senses since birth, hears a noise: the subtle slide of his handmade windows. dwight frowns slightly: the windows shouldn't be so loud: he built them himself. he mentally reminds himself to repair the loudsome windows as jim, still in his work clothes, runs out of the shadows with a knife held high overhead, "i'm here to kill you on your birthday to fulfill the curse which is a duty the haldert family name takes very seriously!!" dwight swings his grandfather's cane and grasps it in two hands above his head stopping jim's knife. "like that one hp lovecraft prank?" "yes, just like that." grunted jim struggling to push his knife down. "aren't you afraid this story will draw a parallel between lovecraft's purple but still good pranks and your mostly high chicken scratch with poor tense agreement pranks?" jim kicks dwight in the shin sending him to his knees. jim's better leverage causes dwight to visibly struggle, "i haven't actually seen that prank. the light flips on, jim and dwight freeze mid struggle as angela, wearing a long night gown, glares at them from the doorway. she hisses between her teeth, "it. is. midnight. you two are too old for this, and it is dwight's birthday. jim you go straight home and kiss your lovely wife and be grateful for your life." angela takes a breath and shakes her arms down to her side and relaxes her face, "be back at 6 with a good present and not a box of painted rats like last year." jim stands with his feet together, arms dangling at his side, eyes pointed firmly at the ground, "they were marooned without dwight." he pouted angela stamps her foot and jim rushes back out the window, "sorry angela, sorry dwight, see you at work"
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Aug 7, 2023 16:11
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Jim places Dwight on a treadmill that matches his speed. "I'd like to see you try taking off now, Balloon Boy!" he cackles maniacally. Dwight deploys his graceful angel's wings and flies away unhindered. His prank foiled, Jim grinds his teeth.
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Aug 7, 2023 17:41
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Jim begins responding to any question or situation with "that really grinds my gears!" While initially humorous, this refrain soon becomes tedious, and simply joins in with the background noise of printers, copiers, and keyboards that fills the office. In the middle of an otherwise normal day, Jim suddenly collapses to the floor. Dwight immediately calls 911, but after arriving and examining Jim the EMTs tell the rest of the office there's nothing they can do: Jim's clockwork mechanism has broken down. Shaking his head, one of the EMTs scolds the staff: "Jim models are programmed to ask for help when mechanical models arise - did this one say anything?" Shamefaced, Dwight lies and says no.
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Aug 7, 2023 18:18
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jim chases dwight through the rainy midnight streets of scranton, crooning "when i catch you i'm gonna gently caress you, hey!" in an unearthly wail dwight flees at a jog, easily outpacing the haggard and wizened jim. dwight does this not due to any serious belief that it will happen, but due to the nagging worry that it could
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Aug 7, 2023 19:12
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InsertPotPun posted:dwight sits alone in his parlor, a pale yellow candle flickers roughly. he sighs and checks his watch: five minutes to midnight. he thinks of the family curse: every eldest member of the schrude family cursed to die on their 44th birthday. dwight has no doubt of the curse: he's been alive for three. he worries, he frets, he stresses, and he sweats. 
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Aug 8, 2023 12:59
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Jim writes and publishes James Remembers, a book which claims that Jim had repressed memories of "Satanic rituals" that took place inside of Dunder Mifflin with Dwight as the ringleader. Jim claims that he saw animal sacrifices, torture ceremonies, human sacrifices, and even the summoning of demons. The book ends with a disclaimer that although Jim has no proof of any of this, he "knows it to be true". The book becomes a best seller and sets off a new Satanic Panic, one that's mostly focused on Dwight. Dwight finally decides he's had enough and speaks out on the local news, explaining that Jim has a long running pranking obsession and that this is just another facet of that. "Oh, really, Dwight? Then how did we get these pictures of you in a Satanic robe, cavorting with some sort of... hellish man-dog hybrid?" The newscaster then shows Dwight a photo of him (Dwight) in a bathrobe playing with Mose. "So, Mr. Schrute, if that is your real name... how dare you?" Sitting at home and stuffing his face with dill pickle chips, Jim mugs for the camera.
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Aug 8, 2023 17:00
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Jim stages a fake lottery drawing, making it appear that Dwight and Angela have won over a billion dollars in the Megamillions drawing. At work the next day Dwight and Angela are uncharacteristically late, and Dwight shows up wearing board shorts and a tanktop. Jim starts giggling, knowing that his prank has worked and the two must be here to tender their resignations. Angela and Dwight say goodbye to everyone in turn, simply saying that "a new opportunity" has arisen and they can no longer work at Dunder Mifflin. Jim is practically beet red at this point and barely able to contain his laughter. Finally, they come to him, and Jim stands up. "Well, funny thing about -" "Listen to me, Jim, you little fucker," Angela says with a scowl on her face, cutting him off. "You've done nothing but torment my husband for almost 2 decades now. You sit here with that smug look on your face, absolutely NOTHING going on behind your eyes, and you leech off others. You're a goddamn parasite, Jim, do you understand me? You contribute NOTHING to NO ONE. Your wife, if you still call her that? She'd hit you in the back of the head with a shovel if she thought she could get away with it. Your kids, if they really are YOUR kids? They'd dance on your grave, Jim. And listen to me, because NOBODY in this office would care if you got his by a bus tomorrow. Okay? Is that sinking in?" "W-well, f-funny thing about... about your," Jim is barely able to contain tears this time, but still, it's gonna be pretty funny when Angela realizes she hasn't won the lottery. "About your lottery... y-you-" This time Dwight cuts him off. Dwight calls him a "mealy mouthed bastard" and says that the greatest joy in his life will be never ever having to sit next to him again. Then Dwight spits on Jim's shirt and tells him (Jim) to "clean up your loving mess". Jim wakes up in a pool of sweat, screaming inside his racecar bed. "Jesus, what a nightmare. Wait, did I.." Jim quickly rushes to a pile of notebooks next to his bed. He's unsure if he actually did set up the fake lottery prank or not. Sometimes it's hard to tell reality from his dreams any more. Sometimes he's not even sure there is a difference. He flips to today's date and discovers that he didn't schedule a fake lottery drawing. Thank God for small favors. Jim smiles and falls back asleep. At Schrute Farms, Angela is excitedly hopping up and down and asks Dwight to verify what she just saw. He reads the lottery numbers printed on the ticket in her hand. He hugs her tightly and says that it's true. "Dwight! We're billionaires! We can quit work tomorrow! And let me tell you, I've got a LOT to get off my chest!" Dwight says that he does, too, and hugs his wife again.
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Aug 8, 2023 19:00
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Jim goes backstage before Dwight's charity piano duet with Charles Miner and decides to spit on the keyboard of Dwight's trademarked beet-red piano before the concert. As the concert starts, twin pianos rise from the stage and Jim sees Charles Miner sitting at Dwight's piano while Dwight is sitting at Charles's Miner's trademarked crystal piano... Jim pushes his way through the crowd as quickly as he can when he realizes his horrible mistake. He hears a few notes play, and the music suddenly comes to a halt. He manages to break out of the auditorium and into the hallway, only to turn to his left and see Charles Miner standing before him. "There seems to have been something all over my piano and I just thought I'd run down to the janitor's closet to find something to wipe it off. I found the cleaner, but he's all out of towels. Do you have any other suggestions..." Charles Miner runs his fingers through Jim's thick, absorbent, floppy-haired scalp. "...off the top of your head?" Charles Miner doesn't mug to the camera as he drags Jim back to the stage to use as a mop.
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Aug 9, 2023 06:53
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The Scranton Fair is in town again and Dwight and Angela decide to attend. They have a wonderful day filled with merriment and decide to end the day by riding the tilt-a-whirl. "Dwight, are you sure? You know what they say about carnival rides..." Dwight says it's fine. He's been leading a tireless letter-writing campaign to Pennsylvania's legislators to ensure extra regulations on carnival rides. In fact, this very ride was just checked a few hours ago. As they hop in the ride and get locked into place, Dwight points out the certificate of safety prominently displayed on the ride. "Dwight... look at the signature. Dwight, we have to get off right now. SOMEBODY STOP THE RIDE!" It's too late now as the ride begins to whirr to life. The carnival operator sits on his stool and mugs at the camera, revealing himself to be Jim. "We're allowed to SELF-REGULATE, you know. The Halperts run a tight ship here, 'cept o' course I'm not so good at securing the bolts on car 7." Dwight and Angela, seating in car 7, begin to scream for help as Jim cranks the ride up to "DANGEROUSLY FAST".
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Aug 9, 2023 13:33
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Dwight walks through the Scranton Kroger and notices "Original Schrute Family Farm" products on the shelves, complete with a massive slogan that reads, "Beware of imitations!" Dwight finds Jim around the corner in the next aisle, gleefully stocking the OSFF products. Challenging Jim on this matter, Jim brings up a legal document. "You see, Dwight, back when we first started filming the documentary I went out and got copyrights and trademarks for Original Schrute Family Farm." "I'm the original Schrute family farm!" Dwight retorts. "No, you're SCHRUTE Farms. I'm ORIGINAL Schrute FAMILY Farms. You never got THAT IP protected. By the way, my lawyers have been looking at your products and you use the term 'original' and 'family' in some descriptions. You can't do that. Here, read this..." Jim handed Dwight some legal paperwork. As Dwight read it several times over, looking for a loophole, Jim continued. "You need to have 'Schrute Farms' products and signage with the words 'family' or 'original' pulled from shelves in the next 14 days and removed from your property or I'll be taking you to court. I'm going to be honest with you Dwight, you aren't going to win so it's better you just comply." Dwight impotently raged on the inside, and then tried to support himself on the edge of a shelf as his breathing became erratic. A clerk came up to console him. "Say pal, you're not looking so g---... Hey, you're Dwight Schrute, right?" Dwight nodded at the clerk's question and muttered an affirmative. "Christ, Dwight, I was only kidding. Jeez, don't act like I'd do that to you!" Jim interjected, brushing off Dwight's shaky condition. "You alright, Mr. Schrute? You're looking real clammy. Here, Mr. Schrute, lemme get you a paper towel or something..." Dwight took the paper towel and something felt off about it. He looked at it and saw it was another legal document. "Consider yourself served, Mr. Schrute. Good day." the 'clerk' walked away and waved at a security camera as they went. "I was never going to give you 14 days, Dwight." Jim smiles. "See you in court." JediTalentAgent fucked around with this message at 06:07 on Aug 10, 2023 |
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Aug 10, 2023 06:05
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Jim and Dwight are forced to attend a sales conference in central Pennsylvania. Both salesmen are annoyed as Dunder Mifflin Corporate sprung the conference on them with very little warning. Dwight struggles to find help to keep up the farm, bed and breakfast, orphanage, soup kitchen, and children's hospital in his absence while Jim is annoyed that he didn't have time to prepare a prank for the trip. As Dwight drives the rental car in complete silence, Jim pouts in the passenger seat. "This loving sucks, Dwight. Why do they always dump this stuff on us?" For the first time in quite a while, Dwight agrees completely with Jim. This does, indeed, suck. He tells Jim that he supposes his desire to always please people can be taken advantage of by others. "Yeah. To be honest, I think they just want you to supervise me on this thing. I don't think they trust me by myself any more." Silence again for a while in the car as they drive on. Jim fiddles with the radio for a moment but can't find anything he likes. They're in one of those spots where the radio stations fade in and out of each other. Classic rock turns to static turns to country. Jim frowns and clicks off the radio, then looks out the window. "You know, Dwight, we could blow off this whole thing. We're the only people from Scranton going. Almost nobody else there knows what we look like, they just know our names from emails and poo poo. And, let's be honest with ourselves, it's not like the Dunder Mifflin sales team is the most diverse in the world. Do you REALLY think they're gonna miss two white guys?" Dwight thinks about this for a moment. It's a two day sales conference. Historically, absolutely nothing of value has come of these things. Dwight mostly gets to listen to a bunch of old men relive their glory days as paper salesmen for 2 days, and re-tell the same stories every single year. It would be pretty fun to just get two days of vacation out of this instead. He tells Jim that he's with him, but what should they do? "Glad you asked, Balloo - er - Dwight! Sorry, force of habit. But check this out, just 4 miles from our hotel is The Pennsylvania Mystery Spot. It's one of those gravity hills, y'know, where the car rolls uphill because of the trick in perspective? And they've got this house where it's all... sorry, I'm sure you're not interested in that. I get kind of overly excited, don't I? You're a grown man, what the hell do you want to do at a gravity hill all day? Jesus, I'm so loving stupid!" Dwight pulls the car over and looks at Jim. He tells him that he's not stupid, that a gravity hill sounds fun as hell. Jim smiles and Dwight hopes that this might be the first step towards reconciliation between the two. And, with Jim getting a more positive outlet for his creativity, this might also be the first step towards a better Jim. Jim mentions that the mystery spot opens in 2 hours, and they could be there right when it opens. Dwight high fives Jim and says "let's roll, buddy." As they arrive at the Pennsylvania Mystery Spot, Jim keeps saying "woah" and "oh my god, it's so cool" at each billboard and sign advertising the spot. As the gates open, an attendant helpfully directs Jim and Dwight to the gravity hill. Dwight puts the car in neutral and begins rolling uphill. "Woahhh," Jim says with a laugh, "so crazy! I mean, it's just a trick but that's still pretty cool. You know, as a kid there was one of these near my parent's house. The rumor was a bus of kids got hit by a train, and the ghosts of those kids would push you up hill if you got stuck. Crazy what we believe as kids, huh? Dead kids pushing your car out of the way, rather than moving on to Heaven or whatever. Jesus wept, Dwight. Little corpses rotting away in pine boxes, but oh no, some suburban mom's car stalled out! Better move, kiddos!" Dwight finds this a little odd but pushes on. As the Mystery Spot opens up, Dwight parks the car and he and Jim head inside. As expected, there's a "Wacky Shack" in which tricks of perspective and the horizon line make the house appear to free of the laws of gravity and physics. Jim laughs as Dwight struggles to sit in a chair, and then Dwight laughs as Jim car barely walk up what appears to be a normal set of stairs. The two paper salesmen agree that the shack is "cool as hell" and continue to enjoy the mystery spot for a few hours. "Well, Dwight, the ol' stomach's a grumbling. You wanna get some lunch? There's this barbecue place down the road. They have this thing called the Seven Deadly Sins, it's 7 - sorry, I'm... I'm getting too excited again, aren't I? There goes crazy old Jim, acting like a weird little kid. You probably would hate it, huh? You're like, into eating salads and stuff right?" Dwight says that barbecue sounds great. Jim breaks down crying. "Sorry," Jim says as he wipes away tears, "it's just... do you ever feel like you're not in control of your own life? It's like... I feel like I'm on this track, right? And I try and escape it but I can't. Maybe I get off of it for a little bit but I always find my way back, no matter what I do. I'm almost middled aged, Dwight, and look at me. Every time I pretend to be normal it backfires on me. I'm in a loveless marriage, let's not kid ourselves. My kids hate me, my house is a deathtrap money pit, and I hate my loving job. Every few months Charles Miner shows up and makes it even worse. But when I'm pranking you, or watching Minions, or watching Mars Needs Moms? I'm happy. So why can't I just do that? Why do I have to pretend like I want to do all that other stuff?" Sighing and collecting his thoughts, Dwight puts a hand on Jim's shoulder. He tells Jim he's happy that they could share this moment together, as it represents something big for Jim. There's nothing wrong with being weird or different, you should embrace that. As long as you're not hurting anyone else, you should be free to live your life. Jim wipes away his tears and hugs Dwight. "Thanks, Dwight. I think... I think I'm gonna stay here at the mystery spot. I think maybe this is what I'm going to do. Tell Pam... just... tell her that I'm sorry. That Jim Halpert loved her, once upon a time, and that she should go do what makes her happy. Tell the office that they'll need a new paper salesman, one who actually wants to be there. And tell Charles Miner that I didn't know what a rundown was, and I was too scared to ask him. That's my failing, not his. And Dwight? I'm sorry for all the pranks. Some of them were pretty funny, some were cruel, some were just plain stupid. But every single time you were gracious and kind. Each time you showed me more patience and love than I ever deserved. You are a better man than I'll ever be, Dwight, and I hope the rest of your life is filled with even half of the happiness you've brought to others. Goodbye, old friend." Jim walks off into the Wacky Shack as Dwight begins to cry. It's been an odd day but a beautiful one, and Dwight can hardly process what this means for his future. A world without Jim? Sure, it'd be more productive and there'd be less horrific pranks, but would he even be able to handle that kind of freedom? He feels like a man who's just been released from decades in jail - equal parts excited and terrified at the level of freedom he's just been granted. Dwight decides to stop at that barbecue restaurant Jim was talking about. He sits down and soaks in the atmosphere. This is the first time in quite a while that he's been alone. No Jim. No Angela. No Mose. Just Dwight. He smiles at the waitress and orders the 7 Deadly Sins platter and a glass of beet juice. When she says they don't have beet juice, he says that water with lemon would be just fine. The platter comes out and Dwight understands just why Jim was so excited about it. Babyback ribs, pulled pork, barbecue chicken, brisket, smoked turkey sausage, roasted turkey, and smoked chicken wings make up the 7 meats of the dish. A large bowl of mashed potatoes is also set down, along with a plate of cornbread and a smaller bowl of baked beans. Dwight thanks the waitress and eats the entire meal in silence. Jim would have enjoyed this, Dwight thinks. The check arrives and Dwight pays and tips heartily, telling the waitress that it's the best meal he's had in years. He even jokes that there were "no Tiny Jims in there", which the waitress dismisses with a laugh. To her, Dwight is just one more crazy customer in a sea of them. To Dwight, this was the first step towards true freedom. It's almost sunset now and Dwight drives to the hotel. He plans to spend the night, then drive home tomorrow. He'll lay low at Schrute Farms until Angela gets home, then act as if the conference went off without a hitch. One little secret won't hurt their marriage. And if anyone asks about Jim, he'll be honest - Jim never made it to the conference, but wanted everyone to know he was sorry for everything. Easy enough. Dwight lays down in his hotel bed with a smile on his face and sleeps easy for the first time in many years. Only to be awoken by his phone buzzing. He picks it up. Michael is on the other line. "Dwight?! What the hell, man, I got a call that you skipped the conference?" Dwight quickly explains that he and Jim had car problems which he only just got resolved. "What do you mean? Jim made it to the conference, Dwight. He was telling everyone you skipped it, that you said they should, and I quote, gently caress all the way off. Dwight, man, what is the matter with you?" Dwight's receiving another call now, from Jim, and he tells Michael he needs to take it. He picks it up. "Gotcha, Dwight! Oh man, you are in TROUBLE!" Jim's voice sounds a little different, but Dwight is too anxious now to realize that. Jim hangs up the phone and Michael continues berating Dwight for skipping "a very important event". There's talk of disciplinary action, maybe even a pay cut. Dwight sits there, crestfallen, as Michael continues to tear into him. "There were VPs there, Dwight! Jeez, now I look like an idiot, too. I kept telling everyone how great you were, and then Jim's telling everyone you skipped it. That reflects badly on me, on our branch, and especially on you, Dwight. Man, I just... I expect better from you, buddy. I really do. We'll talk more about this tomorrow." Irritation overriding his anxiety, Dwight calls Jim back. The phone rings and rings but there's no answer. Dwight, however, notices something else. He can hear the phone ringing in the room next door. Jim must have come to the hotel after the conference somehow. The timeline makes no sense, but somehow Jim did it. Furious with rage, Dwight tears the door connecting the two rooms off its hinges and storms in. Laying on the bed is something red and wet and pulsing. A single eye like a dinner plate turns and looks at Dwight. "Hey... there... Balloon Boy. Sorry... I'm still... getting dressed. Heh... heh." The voice seems to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time and Dwight feels a sharp pain in the center of his skull as the words reverberate in his brain. He falls to his knees as the thing on the bed slouches towards him, a dripping mass of infected-looking flesh. The eye remains trained on him at all times as it squirms like a sack full of snakes. Dwight screams in fear and pain as his head throbs in pain again, the thing quickly closing the gap between them. "Dwight... please. You've seen me... nude except for a pair... of... red... tennis shoes. This isn't... that different. Heh heh... heh." As the thing gets close enough for Dwight to smell it, there comes a loud explosion from the room's front door. It bursts inward, smashing into the creature and knocking it for a loop. Dwight takes advantage of the confusion to roll away from it towards the door. He looks up. Silhouetted in the door frame is Jim, wearing a t-shirt that says "I WAS AT THE PA MYSTERY SPOT AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS T-SHIRT AND A DAY FULL OF FUN". He smiles at Dwight. "What'd I tell you about being stuck on a track, Dwight? Well, it was fun while it lasted, I guess." Jim rushes headfirst into the fleshy thing and tackles it against a wall. As Jim and the creature battle it becomes clear that they are somehow fusing into one being. Dwight, in shock and still in pain from the psychic projections into his brain, can simply sit and watch as Jim and the thing fuse into a writhing mass of pink flesh, then slowly form back into something human. It stands up and Dwight realizes that it's Jim. Not the Jim that walked into the room moments ago, no. This Jim is floppier. His eyes are crueler. He's now wearing a blue button up shirt that's wrinkled and untucked. His tie is loosely tied, projecting an attitude of aloofness. He looks at Dwight. "Get outta here, buddy. Please. While I still have a little bit of control." Dwight, wearing only his Battlestar Galactica boxer shorts, runs into the night. He hops into the rental car and drives home. At work the next day Jim shows up and tells Dwight that there's a letter for him from BOFA. When Dwight enquires as to what BOFA is, Jim laughs. "BOFA deez nuts! Hahahah!" Jim mugs for the camera.
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Aug 10, 2023 15:30
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don't think i saw that episode
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Aug 10, 2023 15:47
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Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:don't think i saw that episode Season 14, episode 8 "Dwight and Jim Play Hooky". Jillian Bell played the waitress.
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Aug 10, 2023 15:50
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The cold open was a throwaway scene of Andy eating an entire plate of condoms, wrapper and all. It was only the second cold open in the series’ run without any dialogue, and actor Ed Helms injured himself during filming (hence why his scene later in the episode was cut).
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Aug 10, 2023 19:51
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jim struggles to stock a box on a high shelf as dwight stands at the bottom shaking the ladder, "be careful of earthquakes jimBO." he shouts "stop it, dwight!" shouts jim desperately holding the metal shelving for fear of falling. 400 miles away in scranton, PA jim halpert's spine tingles as he puts the finishing touches on a cake that looks identical to dwight shrute's computer and prepares to bring it to work, "all for you jim," he mutters, carefully lettering the keyboard, "all for you"
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Aug 10, 2023 19:54
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| # ? May 29, 2024 07:36 |
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John Krasinski finally finishes the screenplay for his new movie, he just needs to think of a good title. He asks his wife, Emily Blunt, for help. "John, it kind of seems like you're just doing The Office again. But Jim's some kind of a magic genie or something? Is he some sort of a trickster figure in this?" A shadow seems to fall over John Krasinski's face. He begins to speak in an ever-loudening voice, using a bizarre cockney accent. "Well, bloody 'ell what's all this then? Tip top cheerio and a hill o' Heinz beans, eh? Is Jim some kind o' magic man, what's the bleedin' deal wit' 'im now?" "John, for God's sake I just asked you a simple question." "Yeah, well, don't, okay?" John has, blessedly, returned to his normal voice. "I know you're still thinking about kissing Cillian Murphy, huh? That's why you're being such a bitch to me. Was he better than me, Emily? WAS HE?" "Christ, John, he's been with his wife for almost 30 years! And that was a goddamn movie. You need to get over yourself, and fast, or else we're going to be having a different kind of conversation here. Okay?" "Yeah, sorry. I don't know what came over me there. Method acting, I guess, for Jack Ryan. All that rage, I guess it was just kind of boiling up inside of me. Sorry, babe. But, uh, yeah. Jim is kind of a trickster figure here. He's basically the foil to Dwight now. And, you see, by elevating the insanity of Jim we also make Dwight a much more sympathetic character. I mean, what's more sympathetic than a dumbass beet farmer? A dumbass beet farmer that constantly gets clowned on by his really handsome and charismatic coworker. All those rubes in middle America eat that poo poo up with a spoon, Pam. They live for it. They'll never be Jim, only I'm Jim, but they can imagine they're Dwight." "John, you called me Pam. Again. I think you should go see a doctor." "Yeah," John says, realizing that something might be wrong. "Let me just... let me email this script out and we'll go. There's a new producer at Warner Brothers, they brought him in because of the strike and all. He's apparently a genius, at least when it comes to what's gonna do well in theaters." John types up a quick email and sends it off to PhillyJim69NICE@aol.com. Jim mugs for the camera as his computer announces "You've Got Mail!".
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Aug 10, 2023 20:16
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