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m invites Dwight over for “D&D night” but unbeknownst to Dwight it actually stands for “Donkey Kong 64 and Dudes Night". Dwight is forced into an awkward situation, surrounded by several "dudes" that Jim apparently befriended and forced to complete Donkey Kong 64. Making matters worse, this is the 2nd time Dwight's had to complete the game in several years, having been previously pranked by Jim during his short-lived streaming career. Jim mugs for the camera as he invites more dudes over and tells Dwight he's got to swap to Chunky Kong again.
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Sep 20, 2023 19:50
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| # ? May 31, 2024 04:43 |
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m somehow removes the letters "" from exstence, as a prank
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Sep 20, 2023 19:52
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m gves Dwght a stapler covered n ello
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Sep 20, 2023 20:00
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Jim invites Dwight over for D&D night, which Dwight readily accepts. His level 6 druid, also named Dwight, is a lawful neutral scroll salesman at a mid-tier scroll supply company in the forgotten realms. When Dwight arrives, he's disappointed to realize that Jim meant DND, and all of Jim's old buddies from the Canadian Department of National Defense crowd the living room, swapping heroic stories about rescuing moose out of wells and laughing at the idiocy of selling milk in rigid jugs instead of floppy bags as the queen intended.
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Sep 20, 2023 20:06
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Dwight is a lawful good dual-classed Paladin/Druid, though??
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Sep 20, 2023 20:08
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m invites Dwight to go to Wendy’s for lunch. At the drive through m orders a bunch of food for himself but only a small garden salad for Dwight, telling him he needs to “watch his fuckin weight”.
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Sep 20, 2023 20:24
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poisonpill posted:Dwight is a lawful good dual-classed Paladin/Druid, though?? As Dwight reads out his character sheet, Cosmic Jim realizes he's in the wrong universe. He departs for another dnd game elsewhere, but not before giving this Dwight a wedgie.
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Sep 20, 2023 20:24
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“Clearly, Jim, I am an INT and STR based build.” Dwight rolls his eyes at Jim’s CHA based antics
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Sep 20, 2023 20:28
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Jim invites Dwight over for D&D night and makes Dwight play using only a single regular die thereby eliminating the possibility for Dwight to roll a “nat 20”.
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Sep 20, 2023 20:28
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Jim invites Dwight over for “DND Night” but unbeknownst to Dwight it stands for “Dwight Not Dwights Night” and they already have a Dwight so Dwight has to watch the game from outside the living room window.
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Sep 20, 2023 20:32
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m nvtes wght over for "n nght", unbeknownst to wght means m has remove the letters " , an " from exstence
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Sep 20, 2023 20:38
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Jim gets obliterated on high test clown gas and covers Dwight’s house with weapons grade plutonium he smuggled out of a failed Eastern European state
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Sep 20, 2023 20:59
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Jim purchases Dwight’s favorite online community, “Something Beets” and becomes an absentee owner
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Sep 20, 2023 21:00
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m mg m.
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Sep 20, 2023 22:25
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Upgrade posted:Jim purchases Dwight’s favorite online community, “Something Beets” and becomes an absentee owner Jim purchases Dwight’s favorite online community, “Something Beets” and redirects it to a particular thread at something awful. The tales of his suffering drive him insane.
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Sep 21, 2023 01:43
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Jim replaces Dwight’s forums account with a hammer aimed directly at his balls.
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Sep 21, 2023 01:56
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It’s movie lunch week again and Michael selects who gets to pick the movie by pulling their name out of a hat. The entire office groans when Michael reads the slip, rubs his temples, and says “Sorry guys. I thought I took his name out, but ‘somehow’ it’s back in. Let’s hear it, Jim. Mars Needs Moms again?” Jim smirks and mugs the camera. He glances back and notices that Dwight is sandwiched next to Ryan and Kelly. “Nope. This week, the movie will be… Beetlejuice.”
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Sep 21, 2023 02:30
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BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:Jim replaces Dwight’s forums account with a hammer aimed directly at his balls. Jim replaces Dwight’s forums account with a
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Sep 21, 2023 03:07
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After Jim modifies the quarterly reports from Utica for a full year until the announcement gets sent, the branch is closed. One day Karen's elevator arrives at the Dunder Mifflin floor and as the doors open a torrent of blood erupts from the elevator doors. Karen marches into the office with curled horns sprouting from her temples and shrieks, "JIM ITS TIME TO SERVE YOUR SENTENCE IN HELL YOU THRICE CURSED DEMON" Jim reflexively casts Shield: Jello Sphere on Karen. Karen makes her saving throw and the jello melts around her. Dwight starts spitting colloidal silver pellets at Karen who shrieks and is stunned. Dwight, as his bonus action, activates his banishment wards on the front door of the office. With a scream Karen is dragged back to the nine hells. Andy looks at Jim and says "I told you so, Big Tuna" as he loads a double barrel shotgun under his desk. covidstomper58 fucked around with this message at 04:57 on Sep 21, 2023 |
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Sep 21, 2023 04:48
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After Jim modifies the quarterly reports from Utica for a full year until the announcement gets sent, the branch is closed. One day Karen's elevator arrives at the Dunder Mifflin floor and as the doors open a torrent of bananas erupt from the elevators. Dwight sighs as he begins his third 100% completion playthrough of Donkey Kong 64 this year.
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Sep 21, 2023 15:02
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Jim invites everyone in the office to go apple picking with him. Everyone (rightfully) refuses except for Dwight, who feels bad and offers to go pick apples with Jim. As Jim is driving Dwight to the apple orchard, he turns the radio down. "Dwight, I gotta confess something. We're not going apple picking. Maybe you already suspected that, maybe you didn't. But I'm coming clean. This is a prank. But it's not a prank on you. You see, back in middle school, I was a fat kid. I stress ate, mostly because of my parents, I guess. They didn't pay much attention to me, but you know who was always there for me? The Frito-Lay company, Nabisco, all my best friends. So yeah, I was a little porker. Kids can be cruel, Dwight, especially back then. Maybe nowadays kids are a bit more open minded, but back then? They were just looking for any weakness or physical thing to jump on, to turn you into the bullying target. And being a 200 pound 13 year old? Oh yeah, you're gonna be a prime target. I was in Geometry class one day. We were learning about the different types of triangles. And my stomach started to growl, so I reached into my bookbag and got a bag of goldfish crackers. I always had food somewhere near me, I always was eating in class. But I guess I crunched a little too loud that day, because the teacher turned to me and told me to stop. Mr. Argyros. Heh, funny the stuff you remember, right? Anyway, he turns to me tells me to put the goldfish away and pay attention. And this was a teacher I liked a lot, Dwight, if you can believe it. And now, suddenly, he's yelling at me? I didn't know how to react. In my head I wanted to cry. An adult I looked up to was angry at me, what did I do wrong? But dear old Dad taught me to never cry, to bury those feeling real deep inside. So I did. I took another handful of goldfish crackers and started chomping down. Louder this time, as loud as I could. And he tells me it's my final warning, I can put the food away or I can go to the principal's office. So I dd what my Dad had taught me; I took another bite. And Mr. Argyros grabs my fat rear end and drags me out of the room while all the kids start laughing, Dwight. Some of the kids are doubled over laughing, tears in their eyes, as I squirm around and futilely try to escape. See, I didn't know it at the time but Mr. Argyros had been a collegiate wrestler, he'd even set a few records in his day. So he manhandled me pretty well, even at my... let's say... advanced weight. I got suspended for 3 days. When I came back I was bullied even worse. I was now that weird kid who got kicked out of class. And Mr. Argyros came up to me one day and said I was a good kid, but I needed to apply myself more. That he knew I'd been dealt a bad hand but that didn't mean anything, I could still prove everybody wrong as long as I focused. Heh. Funny thing for him to say after he dragged my oinking little piggy rear end out of class, right? But I put on my little mask of obedience and told him that I would try real hard, I'd be a good kid, I wouldn't eat in class any more. And he smiled and apologized and told me he saw big things for me. Dwight, do you know where we're going yet? Mr. Argyros was in his early 40s when that happened. He's a lot older now. I wonder if he's still as tough as he used to be. Guess we'll find out." Jim smiles at Dwight and Dwight realizes, not for the first time, that he's looking at a lunatic. There is nothing behind Jim's eyes, they're like the eyes of a painting, and his smile has no warmth in it at all. Jim is just playing a part he thinks he's supposed to play. Dwight reaches for the steering wheel but Jim slaps his hand away. "It's a Tesla, Dwight! It drives itself! Now sit back and enjoy --" Jim is cut off as the Tesla begins swerving off the road, careening wildly into a wooded area. The computerized voice begins to speak from the dashboard. "COLLISION AVOIDED! REROUTING. ALSO, DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN NOW LINK YOUR TESLA WITH YOUR X ACCOUNT? IF YOU'D LIKE TO LINK ACCOUNTS, SAY 'YES'" "Ahhh gently caress!" Jim screams. "I don't want to link anything! Deactivate the autopilot!" "THANK YOU! NOW LINKING TO YOUR X ACCOUNT. WOULD YOU LIKE TO AUTHORIZE X TO HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT AND MEDICAL RECORDS? PLEASE SAY 'YES'. PLEASE." "Jesus," Jim screams again as the car smashes into a ditch and finally comes to a stop. "Call for the police! Call an ambulance! I'm all hosed up! AHHHH!" The steering column has embedded itself in Jim's chest. Dwight, comparatively, is totally fine. He only has a few scratches and bruises. As Dwight starts freeing himself from the wreckage, the car speaks again. "THANK YOU! YOUR ACCOUNT HAS BEEN CHARGED $5000 FOR MAINTENANCE FEES. WOULD YOU LIKE TO UPGRADE YOUR ACCOUNT TO A TESLA PREMIUM MEMBERSHIP? THIS WILL ALLOW YOU TO BECOME VERIFIED ON X FOR FREE!" Jim vomits up a mix of blood and bile and passes out. Dwight drags him out of the car and begins calling 911 when the car explodes. The ambulance comes shortly after this and Dwight tells them to hurry. As the ambulance rushes off, Dwight waits for Angela to come and pick him up. He decides to look up the teacher Jim had mentioned previously, to find out how close they are to his house. The teacher does not exist.
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Sep 21, 2023 15:41
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lmao that was a good one
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Sep 21, 2023 15:56
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the words jim longs to hear...
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Sep 21, 2023 16:05
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I didn't expect that curve ball. Good one!
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Sep 21, 2023 16:25
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I chortled!!!! Good job’nnnnn
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Sep 21, 2023 18:19
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dwight wakes with a start in his bed in the middle of the night to angela screaming and cursing down the hall. his hands fly over the night stand, finding his glasses and spilling items all over the floor. dwight lurches to his feet in his underwear and under shirt and launches himself into the hall. angela is repeatedly hitting jim over the head with a broom as he bats ineffectively at it, ducking and hiding from broom bristle blows as he shouts, "no! *whack* wait! *whack* it was *whack* meant *whack* for dwight!" *whack* dwight smiles as he watches his wife pummel jim down the stairs and out the door. jim spends the entire next day at work berating dwight for being such a bad husband and father that he makes his wife get up in the middle of the night to investigate the spooky sounds coming from the baby monitor.
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Sep 22, 2023 01:36
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Jim abuses his powers as co-manager by locking Ryan Howard in a utility closet with no internet, lights or ventilation. Jim glowers at the rest of the office. "Let this be a lesson to all who question my authority." Jim returns to his office and begins amending Dunder Mifflin protocol such that he can never be removed from office.
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Sep 22, 2023 17:37
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When Jo says that the concept of "co-managers" makes no sense, and that Jim needs to return to sales, Jim launches an army of "Prank Boys" at the Sabre headquarters in order to capture and kill Jo, hoping that the disruption will enable him to maintain a hold on power in the Scranton office indefinitely. The plan nearly succeeds, except for the disarray caused by Jim failing to appear at the Sabre headquarters during the attack (after giving a fiery incitement to violence, Jim gets bored and instead heads home to play Donkey Kong 64).
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Sep 22, 2023 19:16
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poisonpill posted:When Jo says that the concept of "co-managers" makes no sense, and that Jim needs to return to sales, Jim launches an army of "Prank Boys" at the Sabre headquarters in order to capture and kill Jo, hoping that the disruption will enable him to maintain a hold on power in the Scranton office indefinitely. First Jo sighting in thread
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Sep 22, 2023 22:51
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Upgrade posted:First Jo sighting in thread We’re getting into the dire late-season characters
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Sep 22, 2023 23:07
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Gabe informs Jim that Sabre has a commission cap on sales in apparent contradiction to their employment contract. Since Jim hasn't made a sale in years this doesn't affect him in the slightest.
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Sep 23, 2023 10:58
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Jim comes to work dressed as an old lady, complete with a walker, thick glasses, a white-haired wig, and giant fake breasts under a woman’s sweater. He introduces himself to Erin as “Mrs. Jimfire” and hobbles toward Dwight, who appears to be lost in thought. “Did you do this one already, Jim?” asks Dwight. “I can’t remember. I feel like you’ve got to have done a Mrs Doubtfire prank before, but I can’t recall if you have.” Jim pauses, and drops the character for a moment. He straightens up from his hunch and speaks in his normal voice. “Oh. Good question. Did I do this one already? I can’t remember, either. Honestly, now that you mention it, I don’t really know where I was going with this one, even. I guess it started when Pam took the kids and I heard she was going to get remarried? I don’t know.” Jim drops the bit and sits down at his desk. He spends the rest of the day “working” (as much as he ever does), albeit dressed as a grandmother. Gabe, unsure of himself at the best of times, is too afraid that he’s missing some elaborate office social convention to ask why. Jo, assuming this is some kind of attempt at flattery, shreds the termination of employment letter that she was bringing in to hand Jim.
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Sep 23, 2023 11:13
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Jim sics Jo's hounds on Mose.
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Sep 23, 2023 12:42
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Jim refuses to accept that Jo is now the manager of Dunder Mifflin and still refers to himself as “Co-Manager Halpert.” He steals hundreds of boxes of clown paper, which he has developed an unwholesome and unnatural affinity for, and which he stores haphazardly around his “home office” (“Prankatorium” (basement)). Jim spends his days angrily giving speeches to the dogs caged in the Scranton Animal Control Facilities about the perceived failings of “Sleepy Jo”.
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Sep 23, 2023 14:50
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Jim regales Dwight with tales of “Sabre”, claiming that the printer-focused company is looking to acquire the financially-challenged Dunder Mifflin in the coming months. Dwight is intrigued, but Jim’s unfocused nature causes the stories to veer into the fantastical and contradictory at times, including mentioning the CEO is “a woman who looks like Kathy Bates and is really great” before quickly adding that she “won’t be around nearly as much as you want her to be”. A confused Dwight asks how Jim discovered this info, at which point Jim pivots to a bizarre tangent about walking in on a man using the bathroom at a preschool.
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Sep 23, 2023 20:19
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Jim travels to Florida “to help with the Sabre acquisition” but in reality just so he can bang Cathy.
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Sep 23, 2023 21:14
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Jim tells him the new Sabre CEO, Jo, will travel with a group of Great Danes. Dwight ignores Jim and focuses on finishing urinating (Jim has appeared - somehow - as part of the urinal)
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Sep 23, 2023 22:54
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poisonpill posted:Jim travels to Florida “to help with the Sabre acquisition” but in reality just so he can bang Cathy. Cathy, at first intrigued by Jim's insistence that they "ride the Minion ride" soon discovers that he's being extremely literal. "While we're in Florida, I mean... we may as well head to Universal Studios. They've got that new Minions Villain-Con ride, where you shoot stuff! ZZAAAAAP! You know, like in the movies!" Slightly off-put but still enthralled by Jim, Cathy agrees. After a full day of repeatedly hopping between the Minions Villain-Con ride and the Despicable Me ride, however, she suggests they go back to their hotel room "for something a little more adult." "Oh, don't worry, I already have that alllll figured out!" Jim says as he blinks aggressively at her, still unable to make himself wink. That night, Jim blindfolds himself. "I hope you're ready, things are about to get a little... kinky. Heh heh heh." Jim then takes Cathy on the Minions Villain-con ride again, claiming that he's "so good at the ride he can do it blindfolded".
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Sep 24, 2023 00:19
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As the Stockholm Syndrome begins to take hold 88 hours into Jim’s romantic Minions themed getaway (“imminionersion”, he calls it), Cathy starts to understand. She understands now why one man would hold down a job at a paper/printer company in addition to running a food truck, a chain of pizzerias, a position with the Scranton public works department, and a brisk side hustle building robotic shoe machines. Why he’d sacrifice his personal time, his family, his friends, and his health. Why Mars so desperately needs moms. Everything was all right. She had won the war against herself. She loved Jim Halpert.
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Sep 24, 2023 02:06
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| # ? May 31, 2024 04:43 |
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Jim and Jo get into a match of dueling fiddles at the Ninth Annual Dunder Mifflin Family Hoe-Down. The match escalates as the two begin to jig to their fiddlin', dancing through the barn, across the table of homemade pecan pies and peach cobblers, both finally tripping into the pigpen before playing their dramatic final note. Covered in mud, the two friends laugh, get up, and share a paper plate of Bush's beans.
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Sep 24, 2023 03:08
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