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poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim and Dwight enjoy a week of extremely successful printer sales from Idaho to Colorado. Jim's turned over a new leaf, and he didn't prank Dwight one time. It was hard, and sometimes Dwight made himself an extremely tempting target (for instance, while refusing to sit in the passenger seat of the rental car), but Jim manages to control himself. He's been detoxing from pranking, and channeling all of his nervous energy into an ideas notebook for what direction he should take his life. Now that Jim and Dwight are close friends, perhaps he could look into higher public office? Scranton does need a new mayor, one that isn't corrupt. Jim has the charisma to run, and if he wins, maybe Dwight could advise him? Dwight says he'd love to talk over the idea once they're back in Scranton, and Jim drops him off at the airport before driving back. He has taken a few days off from work so that he can unwind and spend some time with himself, thinking about how he can make amends and keep on his new track as he drives cross country from Silver Creek, Colorado to his home in Scranton. Unfortunately, Jim is caught in a blizzard and crashes his racecar bed, rendering him unconscious. Jo finds him and brings him to her remote home.

Jim regains consciousness and finds himself bedridden with broken legs and a dislocated shoulder. Jo claims to be his "number one fan" and constantly praises him and his pranks. She offers to care for him until the telephone lines are re-connected and the local roads re-open following the blizzard. Out of gratitude, Jim lets her read his new, post-pranking idea notebook. She angrily criticizes the new direction he is thinking of going in, disturbing Jim, but she quickly apologizes. She brings Jim a typewriter and forces him to draft a new, extremely long grab-bag of fun pranks for Jim to play on Dwight. It doesn't matter how crazy they are, or how obscene, reality-defying, or metatextual; Jo enjoys them all and demands more. When Jim starts healing, she re-breaks his leg so that he can continue typing up fun pranks to play on Dwight.

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Space Kablooey
May 6, 2009


Dwight and Jim travel to Stockholm for a sales meeting, but as they go out in the freezing weather, Dwight immediately catches the flu. As they reach the hotel room, Jim remarks: "Jeez Dwight, I've heard of Stockholm syndrome but this looks like a weak cold to me!". Dwight starts to suspect that there isn't an actual sales meeting.

Space Kablooey fucked around with this message at 05:14 on Sep 24, 2023

Space Kablooey
May 6, 2009


Jim (shamefully) edits his last prank to something less offensive.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim replaces Dwight’s chewing gum with a piece of rubber.

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

jim trains an AI to replicate dwight's voice, and hooks it up to an autodialler that targets everyone in Scranton. when they pick up the phone, they will be greeted by an accurate replica of dwight's voice yelling abuse down the line.

at least, that's the plan.

several hours later, pam needs something from the basement. she descends the stairs and carefully steps over the prone form of jim, who is mumbling ethnic slurs into a tin can on a string tied to a modem

Harry_Potato
May 21, 2021

A Fancy Hat posted:

Jim replaces Dwight’s chewing gum with a piece of rubber.

Jim replaces Dwight’s chewing gum with a handfull of wasps.

naem
May 29, 2011

Jim and Pam take turns making tender, yet passionate, love to a handful of wasps

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Jim replaces Dwight's rubbers with chewing gum. 9 months later, Angela gives birth to a hive of wasps. The midwife starts hysterically screaming and trys to poke out her own eyes as Dwight googles for an exorcist.

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
The exorcist shows up but it’s Jim

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.
It is three in the morning and Jim, CEO of athleap, and Jo, CEO of sabre, are blasting through the countryside at 98 miles an hour. Jim weaves the Bugatti on and off the roads, into cornfields and pastures, while Jo shoots mailboxes and scarecrows from the passenger seat. Jim sticks his head into the glove compartment and withdraws, his face caked in cocaine. "YEEE HAWWW!" He shouts, pivoting the convertible through a chicken coop, losing control, and crashing into the side of a grain silo. Sticky with blood, feathers, and barley, Jim staggers out of the car and toward the farmhouse. Jo crawls out of the passenger seat and falls asleep facedown on the enormous pile of grain. Jim knocks on the door and is greeted by his old co-worker, Dwight. Jim mumbles, "Bherptes harbrn fu THRUPET flup, hemen BALLOON BOY," vomits down dwight's front, and collapses, knocking his head on Dwight's windowsill. Dwight strares at Jim's huddled mass and surveys the damage to his farm. He reaches into Jim's pocket, takes $43,000 from his wallet, and returns to bed.

InsertPotPun
Apr 16, 2018

Pissy Bitch stan
james caan comes in to the office to interview for the new manager position.
it goes poorly as the interviewers, current employees, don't seem to stay in topic. the moonface one kept grilling him about the mob, the floppy one kept telling him "i walked all day and night to find you", and the skinny one wouldn't break eye contact. regardless, he got through it, and he receives a big boost of confidence when right before he begins his long drive through the snowy mountains the ceo jo tells him she's a "big fan".

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

The beginning of fall has Dwight feeling nostalgic and he decides to read his journal entries from the past few years. Lit only by a few candles, Dwight cozies up on his couch with a glass of beet wine and begins reading about all the crazy adventures he’s been on since the documentary crew showed up. As he reads more and more, however, one undeniable fact becomes very obvious - Kelly and Ryan have a dangerously co-dependent relationship. Dwight sighs and hopes that they might one day find romantic partners that better compliment themselves.

Elsewhere, Jim is reading his own journal and feeling a deep sense of terror. Most of the entries he doesn’t even remember writing. Page after page of insanely elaborate pranks, some that feel more like cosmic horror stories, some of them ending in the death of Jim, Dwight, or sometimes the entire universe. As he flips to yesterday’s entry, he finds the most disturbing entry yet.

“HI JIM

THIS IS JOHN. I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING YOU SOON.”

Jim tosses the journal aside, unsure of why he even kept this in the first place. It was originally to keep a tally of his thoughts on Pam, the receptionist at work. But she ended up marrying Roy in the warehouse and moving away, so then the journal became a dream journal for a bit. That is, of course, until Jim’s dreams became too strange and frightening for him to write down.

Jim looks at his cell phone and considers calling Dwight, wondering if he’s experienced anything odd, too. But Dwight would probably think this is a prank of some sort. After all, Jim does occasionally like to prank the poor man.

“Maybe I should lay off the pranks for a bit. And maybe… maybe I need to take that job at the other branch. A new look on life might be a good idea right now. God knows I’m stagnating a bit.”

Jim decides to watch a movie before bed to calm his nerves, only to find something odd - a copy of the Minions movie is sitting on top of his collection.

“Weird. I wonder if my landlord was in today and left this? May as well check out the movie, I guess. How bad could it be?”

Jim doesn’t hear the crunching of dry leaves outside his window as someone else presses their face against the glass and leers in, a wild smile upon their face.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


James ("Jim", to his friends) Caan asks Dwight to come with him on a drive to Hell's Kitchen in order to help his sister, Jo, who is married to an abusive husband named Carlo. They are stopped on the Long Beach Express Tollbooth, and three people with machine guns pop out and riddle Jim and Dwight with bullets.

Later, Andy (who speaks with a permanently hoarse rasp due to throat damage from accidental exposure to clown gas) says "Look how they massacred Big Tuna. Reet-deet-deet-a-do!"

poisonpill fucked around with this message at 22:59 on Sep 24, 2023

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


poisonpill posted:

James ("Jim", to his friends) Caan asks Dwight to come with him on a drive to Hell's Kitchen in order to help his sister, Jo, who is married to an abusive husband named Carlo. They are stopped on the Long Beach Express Tollbooth, and three people with machine guns pop out and riddle Jim and Dwight with bullets.

Later, Andy (who speaks with a permanently hoarse rasp due to throat damage from accidental exposure to clown gas) says "Look how they massacred Big Tuna. Reet-deet-deet-a-do!"

The three gunmen are revealed to be Jo, Cathy, and Jim (who travelled back in time to commit a funny prank; deciding that killing himself and causing a rift in the space-time continuum would be an acceptable tradeoff for "a decent prank. At least a six outta ten, bonus points for the metatextuality.").

InsertPotPun
Apr 16, 2018

Pissy Bitch stan
jim's pranks get too elaborate and threaten the very fabric of reality itself. james caan is somehow involved and very angry, creed speaks in nothing but willy wonka quotes.
"there's no earthly way of knowing," he intones during a particularly turbulent reality quake that leaves jim clutching his head in agony as janes caan asks him for a run down with a confused look on his face.

Last Chance
Dec 31, 2004

Jim dreams of a bear fighting its way through the Battlestar Galactica. In his dream, Dwight, in full space crew attire saves everyone by putting the bear down with a pistol shot to the head.

A commercial interrupts the dream where a cube of ice splashes into a white cup of crimson beet juice, mirroring the bear’s demise.

InsertPotPun
Apr 16, 2018

Pissy Bitch stan
jim convinces the editors to focus both on erin's naivety and lack of emotional immaturity at the same time as her love life resulting in the show spending an uncomfortable amount of time on who an emotionally immature orphan is having sex with.
dwight, recognizing the dichotomy, is vastly uncomfortable because every scene either slut shames or infantilizes her in turn

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Dwight looks at Jo in bewilderment. Who is she supposed to be? What is she adding to the dynamic here? It isn’t clear what direction her acquisition of Dunder Mifflin is taking things, and she seems inconsistent from week to week. His head is starting to split with the worst headache he’s ever had; why does he think he knows a man named “Robert California”? What kind of a name is that?

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Jim goes under the desk to tie Dwight's shoes together but Dwight isn't wearing shoes so instead Jim ties shibari knots around his legs with the silk rope he always carries

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

jim, in the form of a giant spider, ensnares dwight in a great big web

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim replaces Dwight’s Metamucil with sweeping compound from the janitorial closet.

Turpitude II
Nov 10, 2014
jim reboots the office. loving whatever

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim finishes his phone call with his mother by asking her a very difficult question, one that's been gnawing at the back of his mind ever since he was re-reading his journal.

"Mom, is there a history of mental illness in our family?"

Twenty minutes later, Jim hangs up the phone. He never knew about his great-uncle who spent the last few years of his life ranting about "the watchers", beings who would stare at him from the dark corners of his house at all times, never interacting with him. To Jim, that sure sounds like some version of what he's dealing with right now. He decides to schedule an appointment with a professional on Saturday, hoping to get to the bottom of things. As he steps into work, he feels a little more confident in his actions. At least he's trying to fix things.

He smiles at Ronnie, the receptionist, and sits down next to Dwight.

"How ya doing today, Dwight?"

"Well, Jim, I was certainly doing a lot better before you arrived. But even you can't ruin today for me, because it's the release of the new Battlestar Galactica real-time strategy game for Mac and PC."

"Hey, that's real great, Dwight. I hope you have fun playing that. You know, I actually play a lot of Second Life. Ever heard of that game?"

"Heard of it?" Dwight says, rolling his eyes. "Jim, that's for normies. You might as well tell me you play Maple Story."

Jim frowns and quickly drops this line of conversation. Dwight is a hard nut to crack, that's for sure. Maybe one day he'll figure it out. After all, it would be nice to have an actual friend in the office. Jim returns to his work and, a few hours later, decides to head home.

"See ya later, Dwight! Bye, Ronnie! Have a good night, everybody!"

Jim drives home to his apartment and sits in front of the TV. He heats up some leftover pasta from the night before and watches the newest episode of American Idol. After a bit, he loads up Second Life on his computer. Stepping into the role of "PHILLYJIM", he flies through a fantasy world in which his only limit is his imagination. Jim cracks open a cold one and relaxes as his digital avatar walks into his fake job -the CEO of Athleap; a company that acts like a marketing firm for athletes. As he steps in, however, he sees another figure standing there. This one is named THEREALJIM. As Jim approaches, the other character speaks to him.

>Hello there, welcome to Athlead. I'm Jim Halpert, nice to meet you!

Jim furrows his brow and types away. Somebody must have hacked his game. One of his brothers, maybe? He types a response.

>This is AthLEAP, not AthLEAD. And I don't know who you are but I don't appreciate your little prank.

Nothing happens for a moment, then THEREALJIM responds.

>I love pranks.

THEREALJIM then disappears, presumably logging out of the game. Jim decides to do the same, feeling very uncomfortable all of a sudden and unable to focus on the game. It's late, anyway, almost midnight. He really should get to bed. There's a big executive coming to visit the office tomorrow. Charles Miner, apparently a real financial whiz and go-getter. Jim wonders if making a good impression on him might help with his career progression a bit, maybe help him slot into a manager or assistant manager position at another branch. It's worth a run down, at least.

"Wait, what the hell is a run down? Why did I say that?" Jim asks his silent apartment, feeling a chill go up his spine.

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim fills Dwight’s boots with butter. Dwight is at first disgusted when he puts them on but then finds that after a day in butter his feet are incredibly smooth and refreshed. He starts leaving his boots out, hoping Jim will fill them with butter again but Jim never does :(

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim tosses and turns all night, unable to get comfortable or to fall deeply asleep. He wakes up feeling more tired than he has in a very long time, then slowly drags himself to the bathroom to shower before work. As he's in the shower, he freezes with horror as he thinks he hears a voice over the sound of the faucet spraying water. It's barely audible, but Jim can hear bits and pieces of words. He quickly shuts off the water and hears one last word, seemingly coming from the hallway outside the bathroom.

"....prank."

Jim rushes out of the shower and, completely nude, opens the door to the hallway only to find it empty. He rubs his eyes and heads back into the shower. Thank God he made that doctor's appointment for this weekend. Something is wrong. Jim finishes his shower in silence, gets dressed, and gets ready to get dressed for work. As he does, however, he discovers that most of his clothes have been savagely shredded to ribbons. There's a hole that's been gnawed in the ceiling from above and tufts of fur on the ground. Raccoons maybe?

"Oh gently caress. There were raccoons in the building? Landlord's not gonna like this."

Jim is already running a bit late so he decides to call his landlord later today and explain the issue (and hopefully get his insurance to reimburse him for his clothes). Looking through his closet, Jim realizes that he only has a few articles of clothing that aren't damaged. His workout gear which was inside a duffel bag and a tuxedo, which was apparently saved by the fact that Jim had it in a dry cleaning bag. Jim makes the snap decision to wear the tuxedo.

"At least it's more professional than workout gear, I guess."

Jim shows up to work in a tuxedo and sits down next to Dwight, the same as always. Dwight scoffs at him.

"Wow, Jim, making fun of the dress code. Real mature, you sure showed me."

"No.... I didn't. I mean.... I had raccoons in the house. Raccoons ate my clothes, Dwight!"

"Sure, Jim. And Weasels Ripped My Flesh. I like Frank Zappa, too."

Dwight returns to work as Jim feels his face turn red-hot with embarrassment. What a loving day, and it's only been 5 minutes. At least things can't get much worse. Then, as if one cue, the front door of the office opens. In steps a man Jim has never seen before, an incredibly handsome and confident man. Enter: Charles Miner.

"Oh gently caress," Jim says under his breath, "I can't believe I forgot."

Seeming to sense Jim's distress, Charles' eyes drift over to Jim. Although he introduces himself to Ronnie and Michael, he never breaks his focus on Jim. Slowly making his way over, he shakes Jim's hand. It's a very firm grip, one that leaves Jim's hand aching at the end.

"A tuxedo? Why the getup today, Jim?"

Before Jim can answer, Dwight jumps in.

"Hello, Charles Miner, very nice to meet you. Dwight K. Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin Scranton. Jim is wearing the tuxedo to mock the company dress code, specifically an email I sent out -"

Charles extends a finger, shushing Dwight. He turns to Jim. "Jim, can you explain why you're wearing the tuxedo?"

"I had a raccoon fall into my apartment last night. I guess it... it ate all my clothes. Except for this tuxedo."

A moment of silence, then Charles steps away. Jim feels his face go flush again. Throughout the rest of the day, Jim is convinced he sees Charles casting quick glances at him from the conference room. Once, he furiously scribbles something in a notebook. At the end of the day, Jim quickly rushes to leave, hoping to avoid any more awkward encounters. But it's too late, Charles has caught up to him.

"Jim. Listen, I think maybe we got off to the wrong start today. I can sometimes come off as a bit... intimidating. So hey, fresh start tomorrow, right?"

"Sure," Jim says, his face beaming, "that'd be great. And I'm sure I can show you I can be a real asset to Dunder Mifflin!"

"Great," Charles replies, "I mean your sales record speaks for itself. In fact, do you think maybe you could give me a rundown of your clients tomorrow? Nothing too in-depth, just a little summary rundown."

"Uh, sure. Sure, I'll get right on that first thing."

"Great, thanks Jim. See you in the morning."

For a moment, Jim considers asking what a rundown is. But he feels as if his relationship with Miner is in far too precarious a position to jeopardize it right now. Best to ask in the morning, maybe. Just a little clarification of how he wants it formatted or whatever. Easy enough. Jim quiets the butterflies in his stomach and drives home feeling much better than he did even an hour ago. Realizing he'll need some business attire for work tomorrow, Jim stops at Target on the way home. As he's heading towards the men's clothing, he spies an incredibly emaciated man with shaggy hair standing in front of the dress shirts. Jim awkwardly stands near him, hoping to avoid conversation. But it's too late, the man looks at Jim and smiles, revealing rows of teeth like crooked headstones in a cemetery.

"Heh, I love these shirts," the man says, his sour breath hitting Jim's nostrils. "Wear 'em everyday. Gotta keep up appearances, right?"

"Yeah," Jim says awkwardly, quickly grabbing a shirt in his size and moving on to the khaki pants.

"Hard to find clothes in my size sometimes. You can probably relate, right, Jim?"

"I didn't tell you my name. How do you know my name?"

The sickeningly thin man smiles again at Jim and brushes back his long, filthy hair.

"Like looking in a mirror, right?"

Jim quickly grabs a pair of khaki pants and rushes away form the men's clothing section. Panting, he finds himself hiding in the lego aisle. Dwight is standing there, holding two Star Wars lego sets in his hands.

"Jim! Come to mock my love of Lego?"

"Dwight, listen, can you help me with something? There's a guy in the clothing aisle. I think... I think he might be crazy or something."

Dwight stares at Jim for a moment.

"You're serious, aren't you? Okay, Jim. As a Sheriff's Deputy I'm obliged to help you out here. Just hold my LEGO, would you?"

Dwight cautiously heads towards the men's clothing section while Jim peers at at him around the corner of the toy aisle. He sees Dwight disappear behind a rack of clothes, then hears a scream.

"Ahh! Jim! Help me! Help!"

Jim rushes over there, his heart beating. As he rounds the corner, however, he sees that Dwight has decided to prank him. Dwight is holding a pair of gaudy socks in front of him and acting as if he's being attacked.

"Oh no, Jim! These ugly socks are after me! Oh help me, Jim! Please help!"

Angry, Jim tosses Dwight's LEGO boxes to the ground and walks away. Dwight shouts something at him (Jim thinks it's something about him damaging the lego base plates) but Jim doesn't care, he's just ready to check out and go home. He's going to have a long night of arguing with his landlord ahead of him. Mercifully, Jim makes it through Target without any other incidents, makes it to his car, and drives home without any problems.

As Jim steps into his apartment, however, he finds the man from before sitting in his kitchenette. Before Jim can do anything, the man smiles that same cruel smile at him.

"Have a seat, Jim. We got some stuff to talk about."

Upgrade
Jun 19, 2021



Jim challenges Dwight to a “sex contest” over summer break to see who can lose their virginity first. Jim is 37 years old and married with two horrible children.

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim replaces all of Dwight’s Lego sets with cheap Chinese knockoff versions

Jack-Off Lantern
Mar 2, 2012

BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:

Jim replaces all of Dwight’s Lego sets with cheap Chinese knockoff versions

Dwight gets better sets with equal quality and thus learns that Lego is an overpriced scam full if poo poo licensed sets with no innovation

Upgrade
Jun 19, 2021



Jim shits all over Dwight’s Lego sets.

InsertPotPun
Apr 16, 2018

Pissy Bitch stan
while night digging in the barn dwight's shovel hits a metallic object buried under the oldest part. digging all night he uncovers what is clearly a small alien craft. intricate writing covers the surface at key places and the metal shines an oily black. dwight, sweaty and tired, cries as he falls to his knees, rests his sweaty forehead against his trembling hand on the one thing that validates all of his beliefs in both the universe and his place in it.

jim, his face puffy and red from sleep shuffles into the barn scratching his pajama clad rear end and angling his erection away from the camera. "jesus christ, dwight, it's 5 am." jim quickly rubs his head as he yawns, "oooooh look: it's the spaceship you were brought to earth in. it's a reference to superman. your weird upbringing created holes in your knowledge that i now exploit to-whoop!!" jim smiles sheepishly and pulls a notecard out from behind his head.
jim hunches over the card and his lips move as he reads the words. he finishes and quickly corrects his posture. dramatically tearing the card in two jim smiles at dwight, "looks like one of the jims is going to spend some time in the nono hole!" his eyes were fire but his words were cheerful and bright for a brief second before smoothly returning to morning sleepiness, "anyway dwight: you were born on a distant planet and you have super powers like flight. you need to hump off the roof-" jim caught his mistake and stopped but then his face turned thoughtful and froze with one finger resting on his chin.

dwight, still kneeling in front of the object he had dug up, starred for several seconds at jim, who didn't seem to be moving at all. dwight had caught on the second he laid eyes on jim and the object in front of himno longer held any reverence. he would still decipher the writing, this might be a double or quadruple bluff, but he now had more important things to do. dwight heaves himself to his feet, kicks the object, and walks out the door past jim head stilll askew with finger on chin.

later that day jim points and laughs at dwights arm cast, "have a nice trip, dwight????" he shouts before laughing loudly.

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
Jim replaces Dwight's novelty Lego-shaped candy with real Lego bricks dusted with powdered sugar.

Unlike the fake Chinese knock-offs that would have been crushed easily in Dwight's mouth, the authentic Lego shatter Dwight's teeth on the first chomp, causing him to spit out chunks of plastic, flesh, tooth, and blood.

"I've heard of putting your foot in your mouth, but putting your LEGO in your mouth?" Jim turns to the camera and mugs, then smiles with a set of teeth made entirely out of Mega Bloks that fall out of their sockets because they won't stay connected to one another.

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Dwight gets a new Lego set but Jim breaks in and builds it before Dwight has a chance to do so. Jim does it wrong, too; tearing open the box instead of gently slitting the tape, hastily applying decals unevenly with his fingers rather than carefully placing them with offset tweezers.

Dwight wakes up Saturday morning to find that his copy of set 10316 “The Lord of The Rings: Rivendell™️” has already been poorly built. Dwight, having nothing else planned for the day, sits in the corner.

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
Jim steals all the exclusive Lego minifigs from Dwight's Lego sets, replacing them with sub-par knock-offs.

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
Jim calls Dwight a spoiled manchild who is obsessed with pricey Lego sets.

"You want to see what Jim Halpert played with as a kid?!" Jim dumped out a box of Lincoln Logs onto Dwight's desk and mocked him. "They may look like pieces of poo poo compared to your precious $100 Lego sets, so I wouldn't expect you to sully your hands with such commoner toys!"

Dwight invites himself to building a small cabin out of the logs and smiles at the simplicity of the toy in an attempt to bond with Jim.

In the talking head segment, Jim admits they're just literally pieces of poo poo he'd carved into log shapes.

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
Jim shrinks Dwight down to the size of a Lego Minifig and forces him to interact with a Tiny Jim in a Lego recreation of Scranton.

To balance out the books, Cosmic Jim shrinks Cosmic Dwight down to human size and banishes him to Scranton.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim calls Dwight a spoiled manchild who is obsessed with pricey Lego sets.

"You want to see what Jim Halpert played with as a kid?!" Jim dumped out a box of Lincoln Logs onto Dwight's desk and mocked him. "They may look like pieces of poo poo compared to your precious $100 Lego sets, so I wouldn't expect you to sully your hands with such commoner toys!"

Dwight invites himself to building a small cabin out of the logs and smiles at the simplicity of the toy in an attempt to bond with Jim.

He is only able to build one and a half walls of a single cabin, due to the fact that Jim’s parents were too cheap to buy enough logs to actually build anything.

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim builds Lego set 21336 “The Office™️” at his desk and places it on display. Dwight can’t help but notice that the Dwight Schrute™️ minifig is not present in the display.

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
Jim's children play with sticks, rocks, and dead animals because all of the family's money goes toward buying 2 of each Minions-related toy (one to play with, one to keep mint) for Jim to keep in the racecar bedroom.

Jim's children have to sleep on the couch in the living room at night because he's taken over their room and kicked them out. Jim refuses to let them turn off the living room TV at night, since he has Mars Need Moms and the Minions playing on a constant loop and he uses scenes in a movie to tell what time it is rather than a clock.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim builds the Chinese knockoff Lego set crudely attempting to depict “The Office” at his desk and places it on display. Dwight can’t help but notice that the Dwight Schrute minifig (which is an unlicensed ripoff) looks like a melted heap of plastic that is screaming in pain.

When Dwight tries to ask about this, Jim launches into a rant about how Dwight’s “elitist obsession” with “name brand Legos” is destroying the planet.

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Erasable Penis
Aug 7, 2013
Jim breaks into Dwight's attic and carefully removes the seal on each of Dwight's mint condition Lego boxes.

Dwight needs to postpone his retirement by several years.

Erasable Penis fucked around with this message at 15:42 on Sep 26, 2023

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