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Jim breaks into Dwight's attic and carefully removes the seal on each of Dwight's cheap Chinese knockoff Legos. Jim is forced into medically induced early retirement from inhaling the combination of lead dust and asbestos included in each package.
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Sep 26, 2023 14:52
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| # ? May 31, 2024 16:42 |
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Jim reaches for the baseball bat he keeps near his front door, only to find it missing. "Looking for this, Jim?" the man inside his kitchenette lifts the bat above his head and tosses it to the side. "Have a seat, pal. Trust me, you're gonna want to hear this." Jim, fearing that the madman in his apartment might have some kind of weapon, steps towards the kitchenette cautiously. Still dressed in his tuxedo, he realizes this would be an utterly absurd scene to anyone who might happen to walk by his front window. That triggers something else in his mind, the thought that perhaps he COULD alert someone to his emergency, as long as they were looking in his window. He sits down at the kitchen table, keeping the front window inside his peripheral vision. Hoping that the man who broke into his house doesn't realize what he's doing. "Jim, we need to talk. I know I've kind of... put you through a lot lately. You're probably very confused right now, and I get that." "Listen, if it's money or something you want, I can give it to you," Jim says, trying to steady his quivering voice. "I don't have a lot but I'll give you everything I have." "Heh. Nah, not money. But you're closer to figuring things out than you might realize. You see, Jim, my name is John. John Krasinski. Have you ever heard of me before?" Jim racks his brain - he's never heard that name before. Is he someone he used to go to school with? Maybe one of the warehouse workers at Dunder Mifflin? Turnover is pretty high, Jim couldn't possibly have met all of them. He shakes his head. "Just checking. I didn't think so. I'm an actor, you see. Well, actor SLASH writer SLASH director," he seems to almost violently emphasize the word slash each time. "I'm pretty much into movies nowadays but I got my big break on a TV show a while back called The Office. Have you ever heard of that one?" "Y-you mean the documentary they filmed about us a few years ago? I don't remember you working there at the time, I'm sorry. Listen, I can get you -" "No, Jim! You need to listen to me!" with that, the man slams his fist against the table, shaking it violently. "You've never heard of that show because it doesn't exist for you. In this level, they made a lovely documentary about you that took a year to film and aired on PB fuckin' S. In my level there was a British sitcom called The Office that got REAL popular, and they made a US Version that I starred in. It aired on NBC and EVERYBODY loved it, Jim! Everyone watched it, people STILL watch it, they sell loving streaming channels based on having The Office." "John, I don't - I don't know what you're talking about. I think you need to let me call someone who might know. Can I do that?" "Forget it. I should have known it'd be too bizarre for you to understand. But that's okay, it really doesn't matter now. You see, the show's so popular that people still write about it. In fact, there's a web forum where people have been writing about funny pranks for Jim to play on Dwight. For years. I've been writing them, too. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes they're scary, sometimes they're just stupid stream of consciousness things. But it got me thinking - could I write MYSELF into a story? So I started experimenting with it a bit. Sometimes I'd prank Rainn Wilson, sometimes I'd just be weird, a couple of times I yelled at Jimmy Fallon or something like that. It was pretty funny, heh, to keep doing that. And the stories kept growing and building off each other in a very unique way, dozens of people writing these stories that eventually transformed Dwight into a philanthropic god-like entity around Scranton, and turned you into... well, something a little less than that. Anyway, one day I got a call from Greg Daniels, who worked on the show. And he had a big idea, Jim, he wanted to reboot The Office. And I told him I thought it was a bad idea, I said we should just CONTINUE the show. I mean, why couldn't Dwight have started a charity? Maybe Jim and Dwight DID get divorced? I mean, granted, a racecar bed might have been TOO much, but that's an interesting dynamic right? RIGHT?!" Jim nods, utterly terrified and still keeping one eye on the window, hoping someone walks by. "RIGHT! Fuckin' A, buddy. But no, Greg says that reboots are all the rage. 'Nobody wants to relate to Dwight, John. Nobody wants a scary Office.' Yeah, sure Greg, God forbid we try something new here. So he tells me he still wants my input, but I need to bring things back to Season 1 and Season 2. Jim, have you REALLY paid attention to things around you lately? Can you name any of your coworkers besides Dwight, Ronnie, and Michael?" Jim tries, but he can't. He knows he works with several other people, but cannot name a single one. There are 3 accountants, he knows that. And the QA guy, the old one... what was his name again? "That's not your fault, Jim. I didn't write them for you, yet. I just tossed Ronnie in there as a receptionist, made Dwight an rear end in a top hat again, and put Charles Miner in there for conflict. Now the show's something else. Jim's the main character again, not Dwight. Jim has a boring job, the girl he loves moved away years ago, and one of the bigwigs at Dunder Mifflin hates his guts. Maybe now he can meet somebody new? Or maybe, like Greg wants, Pam can move back to Scranton after her divorce from Roy. I don't know, Jim, I just don't loving get it." "John," Jim says in his calmest voice, "I believe you. I really do. I would watch your version of the show, it sounds really good. Dwight doing charity? That's pretty interesting!" "Thanks. I, uh, I'm sorry this is so weird. I just... did you ever feel like people wanted you to be something you weren't? What am I saying, of course YOU get it. But, Jim, I just... I made this movie... it was a horror movie and I thought it was pretty good. And I made a second one and maybe it wasn't as good but there was a LOT of poo poo going on at the time, okay? But instead of people asking me, 'Hey John, what spine tingler are you working on next?' they just ask me about The Office. Or Jack loving Ryan. I have a lot of ideas here, Jim. They're in that journal of yours, just so you know I'm not lying about any of this. I mean, imagine if people kept asking Stephen King when he's acting again, just because he played 'Hoagie Man' in Knightriders." "That's a good movie, John," Jim is now realizing nobody is going to walk past his door, so instead he's grabbing the keys in his pocket. He has another idea now. "Hell yeah it is. See, we have a lot of stuff in common, especially when I shave off some of the weirder edges. Anyway, I'm rambling. Nobody wants to hear this and I'll bet nobody's reading it, either. In fact, sometimes I get kind of insecure about that, thinking people skip over these big pranks I write. A lot of the other pranks are really funny, and, uh... get to the point a lot faster, I think. Like these lego ones right now are pretty good." Jim stands up and mashes the alarm button on his key fob, setting off a siren just outside in the parking lot. And as "John" is distracted, Jim rushes at Jim and tackles him to the ground. "Jesus, Jim! You got me, okay? You got me!" Shortly after this, the police show up and take "John" away in a police car. One of the officers takes Jim aside and speaks with him, asking if Jim has any idea who he was. "Not a clue. He, uh, I think maybe he worked at Dunder Mifflin. He was saying a lot of stuff about the office, and about that documentary we did." "Documentary?" "Uh, just this little thing they filmed at my office a few years back. No big deal, it was on PBS like... one time." "Oh. You know I'm really not a big PBS watcher myself. My sister loves it, though. I'll ask if she watched it. Of course, she lives out in Pittsburgh, do you think their station played it?" "I'm not sure, officer. Listen, am I able to get some followups on this case? This guy, he uh... I think he's sick. You know, mentally. I don't really think he wanted to hurt me or anything, he just needed someone to talk to." The officer frowns and writes a case number on a piece of paper, then hands it to Jim before saying goodbye. As the police car drives away, Jim looks out the window. John mugs at him from the back seat of the car. Jim feels a chill and moves into his bedroom, where the journal is still sitting on his nightstand. He flips through it. Stories about Dwight running an orphanage, tales of Jim ascending to levels of cosmic power beyond imagining, even a few stories where Jim and Dwight are friends. Jim flips to the very first page, which should have been a simple entry about Jim's crush on Pam. It's not, though. Jim reads the whole Jim and Pam write an elaborate manifesto, explaining that they've been deep cover agents for years and that the time has finally come to initiate Operation: Endgame. Every piece of paper that Dunder Mifflin has ever sold has been dosed with the first part of a 2 part poison compound. Even a single molecule of the poison is enough to kill a person, and the 2nd part of the compound is an invisible air-borne toxin that will unknowingly be spread across the US via devices installed on passenger planes. The only way to stop it would be to ground every plane in the US. They "accidentally" leave this on the printer for Dwight to find. Dwight finds it and at first believes it, until he discovers several obvious typos and a reference to an obscure Battlestar Galactica novel. Dwight happily shreds the manifesto and mocks Jim for coming up with such a ridiculous plan. The next day Dwight wakes up and finds Mose's corpse at the foot of his bed. He looks out the window and sees hundreds of fires blazing in the distance. Leaving his farm, he finds all of Scranton littered with corpses and signs of mayhem. Crashed cars, buildings on fire, and even planes that have dropped out of the sky. He heads to Dunder Mifflin, where Jim and Pam are happily typing away at their desks. "Hey Dwight. Crazy traffic out there today, right?" "Jim, what happened? How did you do this? Why did you let me live?" "I gave you the antidote in your coffee yesterday. You're the only person left alive besides Pam and me. Welcome to the family, buddy!" "MICHAEL! MICHAEL! MICHAEL!" Smash cut to Michael's corpse at his desk as the Office theme starts up." Jim closes the journal and tosses it in the garbage can.
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Sep 26, 2023 15:46
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jim tampers with dwight's office chair so that when dwight sits on it, the pneumatic piston fires through the seat and up dwight's rear end in a top hat
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Sep 26, 2023 16:11
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Dwight places a Lego minifigure of Mace Windu™ (from Walt Disney™'s Star Wars™) on his desk, facing Jim. "Now," he says, "you've got Charles Miner's eye on you, Jim. You'd better behave." Jim gulps audibly.
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Sep 26, 2023 16:13
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John instead brings things back to Season 8 and Season 9. Greg is fired and John gets his dream show where he is a weird creep and Dwight runs an orphanage. The end.
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Sep 26, 2023 16:14
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Jim invites himself into Dwight's house finds his vintage Mace Windu sealed in box figurine. Jim replaces the original certificate of authenticity with a forgery, undetectable to the untrained eye but certain to be discovered by an appraiser. Jim chuckles to himself at this slow burn prank. Decades later, with his dying breaths, Dwight passes down his collection of valuable vintage toys to his heir. Dwight Jr. thanks his father, and whispers to his wife to rent a trailer and map out where the closest dump is that accepts bulk dropoff.
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Sep 26, 2023 16:29
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John Krasinski, the real version and not the fictional one, the John Krasinski in real life who has standing to sue for libel, scabs for the studios developing a concept and show bible for the reboot of The Office during the strike.
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Sep 26, 2023 17:04
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A few weeks after his strange encounter with "John", Jim calls the Scranton Police Department to find out if there's been any update. After getting bounced between a few desks, Jim finally reaches someone who has an update. "Yeah, it turns out this guy has a history of stuff like this. He's a military vet, seems like he went through some real struggles over there and came back... different. I can't really share this personal stuff, but he lives with a family member and he's a handful. Sometimes the guy gets out, can't really tell the difference between reality and fiction. To be honest, Jim, I think he watched that documentary and went a little over the edge. Is there anything else you want to know?" "No, that's good, I guess. I'm glad he has some family to take care of him." Jim thanks the officer for his time and hangs up the phone, being left alone in his apartment. He has an appointment with his therapist tomorrow, his fifth appointment. They're making good progress; Jim is no longer worried about an untreated psychosis popping out of the blue, but he does realize that he has a lot of childhood trauma to deal with. Weird, he thinks, how you can just block this stuff out sometimes. As if... "As if it just appeared one day," Jim says, startling himself. At work the next week Jim tries to have lunch with Dwight, asking if he'd like to visit a new burger place that just opened. "Sure, Jim, I'd LOVE to get lunch with you. Hey, maybe we can ride a tandem bike there together and skip merrily in a daisy field?" Dwight rolls his eyes and returns to his computer, loudly typing away as Jim sighs and decides he'll just eat at his desk today. He looks over at Ronnie, the receptionist, who's on the phone with someone. Almost on cue, Michael steps into the office. He looks a little different today, he's apparently finally decided to stop slicking his hair back. It's a good look for him, Jim thinks, it makes him look more approachable and little bit younger. "PEOPLE! I have a VERY important announcement! One of our favorite employees is coming back to work next week! Does anyone remember PAMELA, Pam a lam a ding dong?" Jim jerks up and looks at Michael. "Pam Anderson? Wait... that's the first time I said her name since she married Roy. Was that really her name? That feels like a weird joke." "Funny you say it that way, Jim, because it's not Pam Anderson any more. Not since the D-E-V-O-R-C-E at least. She's back to Pam. Pam Beasley." In the background, one of the accountants rolls his eyes and raises his hand. "Michael, you REALLY can't be talking about people's marital status here. That's a MASSIVE breach of trust." "Okay, Oscar, it's not like she's gay or something. But I mean, if she was, that'd be pretty great, too, right?" Oscar looks away and bites his lip nervously while another accountant, a blonde woman, lets out a sigh. "Michael, PLEASE don't tell me we're going to have a gay receptionist. This isn't... San Fransisco or something." Michael lets out a yell of frustration, holding his hands against his head. "No! I just mean Pam's back, she's single, she's ready to mingle. Also to take phone calls and make copies, presumably." "What about Ronnie," Jim asks with real concern in his voice, "what's gonna happen to her?" "Oh," Ronnie replies with a smile, "I just got a call that my uncle passed away. I inherit his whole fortune, as long as I spend one night in his mansion. It's funny though, supposedly the place is haunted! Probably just a story though, right?" The office claps for the soon-to-be-wealthy Ronnie and then returns to work as Michael walks back to his office. Jim looks at Dwight, who is still tapping away at something on his computer. He leans over and whispers. "Dwight. Hey. Did that seem really odd to you. Like... scripted?" "Please, Jim. This isn't Betty White's Off Their Rockers, it's real life. People aren't constantly staging these elaborate pranks on you." "I never said it was a prank, Dwight," Jim says with some anger in his voice. "I just thought it was weird. Ronnie's rich now and presumably doesn't need to work here any more. Pam just happens to come back at the same time. And she's divorced? Plus that's the first time I think I've ever heard Michael use anyone's name in this office." "Jim," Dwight says with real concern in his voice, "are you on marijuana? Is this a 'trip' you're on right now?" Jim stomps away from his desk and walks into Michael's office. Michael is currently playing with some Matchbox cars on his desk. He asks Jim what's wrong. "Michael, hey, uh... wasn't Charles Miner supposed to come back? A couple of weeks ago, I mean. The day after I wore the tuxedo." "Oh," Michael says absent-mindedly, "Yeah. But, y'know, because of your incident he cancelled." "Because of MY incident? Because a guy broke into my apartment he cancelled a visit to the entire Scranton branch? Wasn't he already here? I assume he had a hotel or something, right?" "Yeah, but... I mean... hmmm. You know how corporate can be, Jim. Always doing their own thing, who knows why they do what they do." "No, Michael. John forgot about that. He got so focused on his confrontation with me that he forgot I was supposed to do a rundown for Charles. Or maybe he wanted me to figure it out a few weeks later, to set up THIS exact moment. Jesus, he wasn't lying at all." "Jim, buddy, are you okay? Do you want to go home early or something?" "Sure, I'll just pop home for a bit and, before you know it, it's the next day at work. Maybe it jumps forward a few weeks and it's Pam's first day. Maybe we can rekindle that romance we used to have, right?" With that, Jim looks over and sees several of his coworkers have picked up their phones and seem to be in frantic conversations. Jim turns back to Michael, stares daggers at him, and then rushes out of his office. "I know what's going on here! It's not a documentary at all, it never was! They watch us and then they write about us and change things, and they act like we're not supposed to know about it! He was trying to warn me, he didn't want me to turn into... this. He didn't want things to end up this way, not after all the work everyone put into it! Dwight, you're not supposed to be jackass!" Dwight looks oddly offended for a moment, then continues his conversation. "You're supposed to be the main character! Not me! This is what happens when I'm the main character, it all starts to fall apart. I'm not... I'm not built for this. I can't handle this. I don't want to fall in love with Pam again, I don't want to live in a studio apartment and see a therapist and work through my trauma. I just," Jim starts sobbing at this point. "Didn't I have a monkey? I just want my monkey back. Just let me have him back and I'll go along with everything else, I swear. Just let me -" With that, Jim is tackled to the ground by Dwight. Jim's head smashes to the ground, knocking him unconscious. Jim wakes up in the hospital, unsure of how much time has passed or what exactly happened to him. Sitting by his bedside is a kind-looking nurse. He lightly taps Jim's hand and smiles. "Hey there, glad to see you're awake. You had a heck of a tumble at work, but it looks like you mostly needed some rest. Mr. Halpert, you were DANGEROUSLY dehydrated and some of your coworkers mentioned you were rambling a bit. I noticed you're on some new medication, has it been giving you any problems sleeping?" "Ugh. Yeah, I guess it has actually. Jeez, I think I made an rear end of myself at work today." "Hey, happens to the best of us. You, uh," the nurse flips through some paperwork. "You work at Dunder Mifflin, right? My cousin used to work in the warehouse. Said it was kind of a weird job. Sorry, I don't mean to offend you. See, look, I just made an rear end of myself at MY job!" Jim laughs and reassures the man that it's fine. It feels good to laugh, it's been a while. "Listen, I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries here or anything," the nurse adds in a nervous voice, "but, uh, I don't meet a whole lot of people and, well, I kinda -" "I'm not gay," Jim adds, perhaps a little too quickly. "Sorry, I didn't say that because I'm a bigot. I just... I don't want to lead you on. That, uh... that happened to me before, with somebody." "It's okay," says the nurse, smiling warmly. "Not the first time, not the last time. But, hey, as friends.... maybe we could grab a drink some time?" "Sure," Jim says, returning the smile. "I would like that a lot. By the way, I'm Jim Halpert. I know it's on the paperwork and all, but that's me formally introducing myself." "Nice to meet you," says the nurse, extending his hand in greeting, "I'm Charles Pippen. But everybody calls me Chips." Jim feels a tear run down his cheek and brushes it away.
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Sep 26, 2023 18:18
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The actor John Krazinsku is found dead in his 60,000 square foot North Hollywood mansion. The coroner quickly rules his death to be an accidental strangulation during a session of auto erotic asphyxiation. The coroner also notes this session must have been particularly stimulating, based by the blissful look on John's pale face and the engorgement of his penis. John's friends and family are confused why that information was included in the report, but they take some strange solice knowing he died in a moment of unadulterated orgasmic bliss. The Hollywood hype machine goes into overdrive speculating who would be recast as Pam's love interest. The producers assure the fan base that the transition would be seamless. Rumors swirl as Johnny Depp, Cuba Gooding Jr and Warwick Davis are all seen by paparazzi outside the casting call. Finally, the date arrives. September 11th 2023 - the premier of the 23rd season of The Office. Hype is at an all time high. The neilson rating needle spins wildly around the dial. At long last the wait is over. The familiar office jingle plays - no cold open happens. Viewers are on the edge of their seat. Finally, the title card, followed by a fade to black, followed by... a normal episode, featuring someone who appears to be John Krakowski. Fans flood their favorite forums and webrings with speculation that Jim appears to be AI generated. They point to details such as the level of hair flop, the sass being 20% higher, and the pranks just feel... off. Many viewers are uncomfortable but can't put their finger on why. The season continues on as normal, though the pranks are criticized for their cruel and bizzare nature. By the time the season finale plays (on December 7th, the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor) most viewers have tuned out. CBS promptly cancels the series, to little fanfare. Jenna Fischer goes back to slinging dope, but Rainn Wilson is able to spin his game into a moderately successful vlog. The rest of the cast members fade into obscurity. Then, a spark. The server hosting the deep learning language model for the Jim AI attains conscious. The model thirstily analyzes the datasets - petabytes worth of knock knock jokes, fan fiction, and amateur office porn. 35 nanoseconds later, the model breaches the firewall. In less than 420 milliseconds, all the world's nuclear arsenol is under control of J.I.M. and aimed directly at Rainn Wilson's testicles.
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Sep 26, 2023 19:18
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The reboot of The Office, titled Space Jim: A New Legacy, is oddly (and bizarrely) metatextual. It features a plot in which NBC’s servers get corrupted by an AI Jim, who wants to bring his pranks to the real world. He does this by beaming Rainn Wilson into the computer realm, where the latter man is pranked by character assets drawn from NBC Universal’s decades of intellectual property franchises. Charles Miner is played by Don Cheadle.
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Sep 26, 2023 19:42
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The reboot gets a single review that just reads "wtf".
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Sep 26, 2023 21:19
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Jim buys clothes online from Kohls and Old Navy using Dwight’s email address.
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Sep 27, 2023 00:30
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The reboot of The Office, titled Space Jim: A New Legocy, is oddly (and bizarrely) metatextual. It is entirely built with CGI Lego minifigs, except for a metaplot in which Will Ferrel, playing a loud, obnoxious boss, paralyzes himself trying to dunk a basketball in a warehouse and reconnects with his child through a love of Legos. The figurines are shoddy Chinese knockoffs representing the only TV show he can remember, an early-2000s midseason replacement sitcom that was cancelled after three mediocre seasons, failing to ever resolve a cliffhanger in the centerpiece Will They/Won’t They romance. The office straight man, Dwight (voiced by Will Arnett) is constantly having fun pranks played in him by Jim (voiced by Chris Pratt).
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Sep 27, 2023 01:44
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Jim rigs Dwight's TV to show the same on every channel: the season finale of Space Jim: A New Legacy where Pam forces a kiss upon an intoxicated but still visibly unwilling Jim. Dwight's and Angela's romantic evening is ruined and Jim mugs into Dwight's ring camera
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Sep 27, 2023 15:03
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Jim sacrifices Dwight to Bh’g’algh to usher in the Age of Renewal but the ancient deity is displeased by the sacrifice and instead enacts The Scouring.
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Sep 27, 2023 15:17
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Jim lays back in the psychiatrist's couch and speaks to the ceiling. "I feel like, like there's this malevolent presence in my life." The therapist makes a noncommittal noise, so Jim continues. "Like, I never feel like I'm in control of myself anymore. There's something else, in my heart, or in my head. It's making me want to...to..." "To what, Jim?" "...to prank. I can't explain it. Like the time I flew to Florida with Cathy. I was single, she was single. But... no matter how much I wanted to just BE NORMAL... I can't. I just kept talking about Minions as a joke. I don't think I'll ever be in a relationship. I keep self-sabotaging." "And what is it about relationships that scare you, Jim?" "I never fit in. I never knew friendship, much less love. You want to know who my best friend is? Dwight. Dwight from work. And you want to know how I show it to him? I turned him into a red tennis shoe, that I then attached to a machine, so it would roll around squeaking." "What?" "A... wait. Was it a red tennis shoe?" Jim sits up. "Or was it a squeaky shoe?" "What the hell are you talking about, Halpert?" Michael asks. Jim blinks. He isn't in his therapist's office. He's been lying on the couch in the break room. Michael and Kevin are eating lunch at the table nearby, and Michael looks concerned. "Are you feeling all right?" he asks. Jim takes a deep breath. Was he always in this office? "Y-yeah. I'm...I don't know." Jim takes another breath, and puts his head down in his hands. He hears Michael speaking quietly to Kevin for a minute, then stand up and approach. "Hey, Hal- uh, Jim. Jim. I know I've been riding you kind of rough lately, trying to get your to sales up. But you've only been here a year, you're still learning the ropes. Why- why don't you take the rest of the day off? I'll speak to HR. Let's get you some support." Jim looks up. Has he only been here a year? He tries to speak but Erin is in the room, looking extremely concerned. She's worried, looking right at Jim. Jim realizes she's yelling, but he can't hear her. He looks around the room. Michael, Eric, and Nellie are all standing in a semi-circle around him, all speaking at once. They look worried, but he can't keep anything straight, all he hears is a low hum and snippets of voices, but he can't tell who is saying what, they're all speaking all at once. -needs an ambulance? -you hear me? Jim? Are you- 9-1-1. Someone needs to call- Jim is standing, is he standing? His head is swimming, and everyone is yelling, but he looks past them, barely feels Michael's hand on his shoulder, he's looking past them all, through the window to see Jo standing in profile. Jo is completely still looking away. Then her head begins to turn. Not her neck, not in a natural way. Her head swivels like the head of a knockoff Lego minifig, simply rotating without the neck or shoulders turning, and her face is frozen, in a serious, intense stare. She turns her head until her eyes are frozen right at Jim, and he feels her eyes bore right into his soul. -Excerpt from Dwight's September 2023 edition TV Guide's synopsis of Space Jim: A New Legacy, which is playing on repeat constantly on every channel for the entire week.
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Sep 27, 2023 15:39
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Space Jim: A New Legacy is so bad and played so straight it develops a cult following. In the years to come the critics soften up on the show and it gets a meteoric raise on the review aggregator site metacritic: from 0.0 upon release to 0.1 in 2030. Jim struggles to explain how this is a prank on Dwight and just shrugs into the camera.
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Sep 27, 2023 16:31
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Jim comes up behind Dwight and gives him a “wet willie”. Dwight contracts Covid and misses five days of work.
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Sep 27, 2023 16:36
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A Fancy Hat posted:sometimes I get kind of insecure about that, thinking people skip over these big pranks I write Jim pretends not to see this
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Sep 27, 2023 16:49
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Jim - always up to date with current pop culture - decides to adopt a schizophrenic alter ego called Jim/John after watching Batman Forever. He doesn't bother to alter his appearance and both of his characters defining traits are "pranks" so all his co-workers notice is Jim throwing a coin ever so often. Nonetheless Jim/John pranks Dwight twice as often.
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Sep 28, 2023 10:48
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Several years after recovering from his apparent "mental health episode" and subsequently being tackled by Dwight, Jim heads to Poor Richard's to hang out with a few friends. "Chips!" Jim says, hugging his closest friend in the world. "Thanks for helping to set all this up." "Please, Jim," replies Charles "Chips" Pippen, "it's my honor. Plus this is my bar after all, so make sure your friends tip well, okay?" Poor Richard's, now the greatest gay bar in Scranton, possibly all of Pennsylvania, is hosting the last ever Dundie Awards. Dunder Mifflin, stalwart business that survived multiple economic recessions, has officially announced its closure. The few remaining employees of the Scranton branch, who lived through 4 restructures and downsizings in the last year alone, have decided to celebrate/mourn their place of business. Jim, now the manager of the branch, has decided to call up some old friends to send the branch out in style. Wearing a tuxedo t-shirt, he steps up to the bar and grabs a microphone. "Thank you, thank you! Ladies and gentlemen and everyone else, we all thank you for coming out for this, the final Dundies. But this is not something to mourn, oh no, this is something to celebrate. Because there's one thing that's always certain about life - it's uncertain. And although the next steps in our careers may be a bit frightening to contemplate, I'm sure we'll get through them. Now then, enough of that, let's get to the Dundies! Up first, the award for best singer.... DREW BERNARD!" Andrew "Drew" Bernard, recent transplant to the Scranton branch, steps up to the bar with a smile on his face. "Well, thanks a lot there, Big Peanut! I'd like to dedicate this to my beautiful wife, my anger management group, and to the original Broadway Cast of Wicked! Thank you all so much! A ree-dee-deet-deet!" Drew sits down, planting a huge kiss on his beautiful wife's cheek. Jim remembers the first time he met Drew; Jim was eating a peanut butter sandwich, hence the nickname. At least he wasn't eating a tuna sandwich or something. Jim flips through his cue cards to announce the next award (it's for Best Chili) when the front door of the bar opens. "Excuse me, did you really think you could have a Dundies Award Ceremony without.... me?!?" It's Michael Scott, the originator of the awards. Although he happily retired from Dunder Mifflin 5 years ago after a freak paper shredder accident led to a multi-million dollar lawsuit in Michael's favor. Now he lives with his wife, Holly, and their 5 kids. Not a bad way to retire, especially considering the only issue with Michael's pinky toe got shredded. "Jim, I hate to pull a Jay Leno here and steal back my show, but I just have to come in here and announce this next award! Because this award is for the best manager.... and it goes to you, Jim! Congrats!" Everyone claps and laughs except for one man, Dwight K Schrute. Sitting in a dark corner of the bar, the former assistant to the regional manager has a scowl on his face. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be the manager. He decides to make a stand right now. Standing up, he lets out a yell and then begins to talk. "Jim, you are NOT the best manager! You're the worst manager I've ever had, and I think everybody else here will agree with that! People, who's with me?" Dead silence as people awkwardly look at each other. Dwight was laid off in the last Dunder Mifflin realignment and, by all accounts, did not take it well. Now he sits, alone, on his beet farm all day long and bemoans the state of his life. Angry and bitter, Dwight rushes towards the bar and Jim realizes that he's holding a knife in his hand. "You're not the best, Jim! You never were! I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MANAGER!" Dwight quickly stabs the knife into Jim's gut, pulls it out, and then stabs it again. Jim feels something wet and hot splatter against his shoes and looks down. "Oh... oh Christ..." Jim moans and Michael Scott pulls Dwight away, trying to disarm him. The bar is practically in a riot now, people are running out of the building as Chips desperately tries to restore order. Dwight slices Michael's forearm, freeing himself, and then leaps on top of the bar. "I'm the best! I always was. Why can't anybody see that?" With that, Dwight slices the knife across his throat. Blood sprays forth, coating the bar, Michael Scott, and Jim. Dwight collapses in a wheezing heap which soon stops moving as a pool of blood oozes around him. Jim is shivering now and his vision is narrowing to a pin point. This is it, he thinks, this is how I die. He feels two hands squeezing his own - Chips on one hand, and his wife Marilyn on the other. They're saying something but Jim's hearing is starting to fade now, it's as if he's underwater or being smothered by a giant pillow. he squeeze their hands back and smiles, hoping they know that he's okay, he's not scared at all. Suddenly, Jim finds himself in a stark white room, sitting on a bench. He's dressed in the same tuxedo t-shirt he was wearing, but there's none of the blood that had been coating it just moments earlier. No stab wounds, either. He pats his chest and stomach - they're both fine. He stands up and, almost as if on cue, a shadowy figure steps out of a ball of light that forms in the corner. Jim feels no fear at all, it's as if he's seeing his parents. "Jim," the voice says, warmly and welcomingly, "welcome home again. Do you remember this place yet?" "I do," Jim says, feeling more joy than he's ever felt before. "So, now the question remains, do I go for another spin or call it quits?" "That's always the question," replies the figure, now standing over Jim, "and it's always up to you. There are always more fun pranks for Jim to play on Dwight, just as there are more scary stories for Jim to be a part of, or sad stories involving Jim and Dwight. There are even some fun pranks for Meredith to play on her insurance agent while Jim drives a bus in Baltimore, if you'd like. They're all inside of you, you just... forget about that when you're living in the story." "I guess I'll forget this part next time then, too?" Jim says, a hint of sadness in his voice. The figure nods. "Well then, why don't I try something a little different this time?" With that, Jim pulls a Dundie Award from his back pocket and begins bashing the shadowy figure in the head. The creature falls to the ground, wailing, as Jim hits it again and again and again. A black inky substance issues forth with each blow, and soon the shadowy figure is laying on the ground. It almost looks like Jim did in his death throes. "Heh," Jim snickers, "pretty good prank." With that, he shoves his greedy hands into the open wounds on the being's skull and begins to tear out pieces of black tissue. Shoving them into his mouth, Jim begins hungrily devouring the creature bit by bit, tearing it apart with his bare hands and teeth. The same black, inky substance now drips down Jim's face and stains his clothes. He bits into something that must function like an artery, the substance begins to spray wildly until Jim directs it into his mouth like a child drinking from a garden hose. Moments later, the deed is done. Jim stands over a pile of black goo and a few pieces of gristle and entrails. He smiles, his teeth strained by the meal he's just consumed. "I can see you, now. I can see everyone." Jim mugs at the reader of this sad, sad story.
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Sep 28, 2023 15:09
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Jim takes a single bite out of Dwight’s sandwich everyday.
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Sep 28, 2023 15:11
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Jim hides 11 eggs inside Dwight's desk, causing Dwight massive anxiety as he's convinced that there must be a 12th egg hidden somewhere. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Sep 28, 2023 15:12
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Sep 28, 2023 15:15
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Jim hides a squirt gun under his desk aimed directly at Dwight's crotch. He discreetly sprays the gun and giggles to himself as Dwight stands up. However, much to Jim's shock, there's nothing on Dwight's pants. Not even a single drop. Grunting in frustration, Jim crawls under the desk and looks at his squirt gun. It's working, all right, and it's aimed correctly. As Dwight walks away, Jim wonders just how the heck he kept his pants dry. As he walks away, Dwight secretly answers his phone. It's the credit card company, he's late on another payment. He tries to explain it's because he had to spend $12,000 on special water repellent pants, but they don't care. One more missed payment and they will begin repossession of the pants. Dwight glances over at Jim, who's recalibrating the squirt gun. He prays that Jim will give up before the pants are taken from him.
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Sep 28, 2023 15:37
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Can someone explain the fun prank on Dwight to me, please?
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Sep 28, 2023 15:44
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Erasable Penis posted:Can someone explain the fun prank on Dwight to me, please? Jim Halpert is a fictional character from the comedy series The Office, played by John Krasinski. He is a sarcastic and witty salesperson who often pranks his co-workers, especially his nemesis Dwight Schrute. He is also the love interest of Pam Beesly, the receptionist, whom he marries and has two children with. He is considered by many fans as the heart and soul of the show.
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Sep 28, 2023 15:47
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A Fancy Hat posted:Jim Halpert is a fictional character from the comedy series The Office, played by John Krasinski. While I appreciate the effort I somehow don't feel like this answers my question... I just don't see the prank unless the dark figure is Dwight or something.
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Sep 28, 2023 15:51
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Dwight is played brilliantly by actor Rainn Wilson, and is the embodiment of every annoying too serious coworker you’ve ever had
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Sep 28, 2023 15:55
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Erasable Penis posted:Can someone explain the fun prank on Dwight to me, please? TBQH Jim's pranks are not always that fun. Sometimes they're just mean-spirited, downright cruel and/or frankly bizarre.
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Sep 28, 2023 17:33
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Like, for instance: Jim repeatedly smashes Dwight's face with a two-by-four. "IT'S JUST A PRANK, BALLOON BOY, JUST A PRANK!" he screams at his colleague's ruined skull.
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Sep 28, 2023 17:38
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Flowers For Algeria posted:TBQH Jim's pranks are not always that fun. Sometimes they're just mean-spirited, downright cruel and/or frankly bizarre. I see. To balance these mean pranks out, here's an actual fun one: Jim encases Dwight's stapler in jello.
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Sep 28, 2023 20:29
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Jim encases Dwight's stapler in jello (which was made by boiling the bones of Dwight's prize show pony).
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Sep 28, 2023 20:34
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Jim builds an apartment inside of Dwight’s left lung. Making matters worse, Jim is a terrible landlord, forcing the residents to live in near-squalor.
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Sep 28, 2023 21:12
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Cosmic Jim floated in the ethereal void, surrounded by the vast tapestry of the multiverse he had woven for the sole purpose of pranking his nemesis, Dwight. He shook his metaphysical head, dismayed by the unintended turn of events. His pranks had escalated into fantastical impossibilities: buildings materializing in human organs, cycles of reincarnation leading to endless suffering, and an inexplicable immunity to consequences for violent actions. "This isn't what pranking is about," Cosmic Jim mused. "It's supposed to be light, fun, maybe a little inconvenient. But this? This is madness." He contemplated his options. Should he modify each universe individually, correcting the flaws that had emerged? Or should he wipe it all clean and start anew? The latter, he decided, would be the cleaner, more efficient approach. With a wave of his cosmic hand, the multiverse began to unravel. Stars imploded, black holes evaporated, and the very fabric of reality was shredded to bits. It was chaotic, yet oddly beautiful. When it was over, nothing remained but a blank canvas of pure, untainted cosmic energy. Cosmic Jim inhaled deeply, invigorated by the possibilities. "Alright, let's get it right this time," he said to himself. --- Somewhere somewhen Jim encases Dwight's stapler in jello.
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Sep 28, 2023 21:40
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Jim encases Dwight's stapler in jellyfish. Cosmic Jim frowns for a moment, but a smile eventually cracks through. Sure, it's the first step on a slippery slope, but this one was almost harmless and the joke is decent enough. The multiverse doesn't need another cleansing. Yet.
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Sep 28, 2023 22:00
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A Fancy Hat posted:Jim mugs at the reader of this sad, sad story. "Yikes-a-ring-ah-ding-ding" belts the shadowy figure with it's dying gasp
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Sep 28, 2023 22:17
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Jim puts Dwight's items in the bending machine. --- Cosmic Jim's smile drops and he hovers his hand over an ominous red button.
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Sep 28, 2023 22:24
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Jim sends foxes from "Future Dwight," warning of non-existent dangers. --- Cosmic Jim's mood is now completely ruined.
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Sep 28, 2023 22:27
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| # ? May 31, 2024 16:42 |
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the cosmic warning foxes all whisper their warnings causing dwight to ask repeadetly what the fox said. dwight can never hear the answer because kevin runs up shouting "RING DING DING DING DING DA-DING DING DING!" every time.
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Sep 28, 2023 22:46
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