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Upgrade posted:Jim starts eating a Hungry Man XXXL frozen meal for lunch every single day. “Looks like those divorce papers finally went through,” Oscar says between sips of coffee. “I don’t follow,” replies Kevin. “Well it’s just that those type of frozen dinners are typically consumed by single men. There’s not much nutritional value and they only take a few minutes to microwave.” “Oh. Well what about Pam’s lunch? What does that mean?” Pam has assembled 4 different beverage containers in front of her. One contains water, one has apple juice, one has coffee, and one has a different kind of water. “Kevin, I believe that’s referred to as ‘girl dinner’ nowadays.” Pam produces a small flask, mixes it with her 2nd bottle of water, and drinks heavily from it.
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Oct 1, 2023 20:13
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| # ? May 31, 2024 05:51 |
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Jim snorts a rail or high test clown paper and proceeds to drive around L.A. looking for salacious details to peddle to the gossip mags. Unfortunately his breaking news - that Dwight Shrute indulges in vintage pornography stylized in the vein of a famous cartoon mouse - proves uninteresting to the purveyors of Hush Hush.
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Oct 1, 2023 20:39
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New Jim refuses to print anything sent by Dwight. It's unknown if this is deliberate, but before refusing to print Dwight's work, he printed a bunch of pictures of Jim mugging the camera.
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Oct 1, 2023 20:48
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A day in the life of... Pam 10am. Pam sits at her desk in the reception. She takes a large sip of korn from her flask in preparation of Jim's arrival at work. 10.45am Jim arrives at work. A bit earlier than usual but Pam already has a nice buzz going so she doesn't mind too much. 11am Pam takes another sip when she observes Jim preparing his first prank of the day: a life-sized minion sits in Dwight's seat when he returns from the kitchen. Pam briefly wonders what item from the household he sold to pay for the doll before the korn kicks in. Probably the oven. 12am Jim insists on eating lunch with Pam. This warrants an extra large sip from the flask. Jim talks through the whole meal but Pam is pleasantly drunk enough to forget the details. Something about a mortgage to realize an swimming pool themed prank. Pam just shrugs. 5.30pm Thanks to her flask and careful monitoring of her BAC Pam got through the working day: three more pranks (vomitorium, confetti explosion and Damocles' sword), two attempts at flirting by Jim and the usual sexual harassment from Michael. All in all a not so bad day. 7pm Pam is still on the way home. She has taken to walking since with 1.5‰ BAC she can't drive and she surely won't go anywhere near Jim's racecar bed. The only thing left is to get drunk enough to directly fall in bed after arriving but not so much that she doesn't get home. She takes a sip or five. 10pm Pam succeeds. 8am the next day. Pam notices the missing oven. She thinks about taking up breakfast drinking. Erasable Penis fucked around with this message at 11:14 on Oct 2, 2023 |
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Oct 2, 2023 11:09
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Jim replaces Dwight’s desk with the stove from his own home, much to Pam’s chagrin. More importantly, Jim uses the opportunity to make stove-related jokes and puns throughout Dwight’s working day. “Hey Dwight, COOKING UP any HOT leads?” “Wow Dwight, your sales numbers are really ON FIRE!” “Careful Dwight, the Johnson account’s a tough one, I’d hate to see you GET BURNED!”
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Oct 2, 2023 11:39
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New Jim (a broken office printer) follows Dwight around the mall shoving New Andy (a cell phone that is constantly playing an a cappella all-Andy performance of Black Eyed Peas’ “My Humps”) in his face, for the sake of a YouTube prank. Dwight shoots him and is acquitted (before being awarded a key to the city for shooting a YouTube prankster).
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Oct 2, 2023 15:02
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Dwight purchases an old, run down night club and transforms it into The Moulin Beet - a cabaret that quickly becomes a centerpiece of Scranton's burgeoning bohemian culture. Each night, Dwight presents a bevy of performers to the delight of Scranton's citizens, who mingle freely and without judgement. Jim, sensing good in the world, vows to destroy the Moulin Beet from the inside and creates a fake persona in order to be booked as a performer. Despite Dwight's successes the club still struggles somewhat financially, and Dwight seeks out a headlining act that will bring packed crowds and ensure the success of the club for decades to come. He holds an open audition which hundreds of performers attend, including Jim in disguise as "The Prince of Jackanapes" - a masked, jester-like character. The Prince performs a death defying juggling act, then leaps into the air and grabs onto a thin line of silk hanging from the rafters. Moving elegantly, he twirls and spins around the silk, slowly cocooning himself. Slowly descending to the ground, he then removes the silk and reveals massive, ornately decorated stained-glass wings. Dwight, tears in his eyes, signs the Prince to a headline deal at the club. After just two performances, word spreads around the world about the near-mythical quality of the Prince's performances, which leave audiences feeling as if they've glimpsed some sort of fantasy world. The Moulin Beet is packed every single night and Dwight feels content knowing that he's created a long-lasting haven for the arts in Scranton. Then comes the Prince's 3rd performance. Waddling onto the stage, the Prince removes his ornate golden mask to cheers and applause from the audience. All of the audience, that is, except for the citizens of Scranton who already know who Jim is. "Oh, gently caress," Oscar says, mouth agape. Jim then produces a long, thin sword and balances it atop one pinky finger to more applause. He opens his mouth widely, sticks the sword down his throat, and then begins violently vomiting everywhere. There are still some applause, but they're not as loud and are now intermingled with some boos and some hushed questions. Jim seems to be an endless pit of vomit, continuing to spray bile across the stage and even into the first few rows of the audience. He then begins dry heaving and removes the sword, then takes a fanciful bow. A few audience members walk out but a few others continue clapping. Jim then grabs a microphone and, using a vomit-coated hand, slicks his hair back. "Hey, have you seen this, have you heard about this? Those clowns in congress, what a bunch of clowns they are. But they just tried to pass the budget and want a pat on the back for doing it. Can you believe that? Meanwhile, I'm out here, I got a budget for the dang grocery store! I want to go up to those guys and say 'hey, call my wife up, she'll give you a budget!' I mean, heeeeere's your sign!" More people are walking out now but some members of the audience still continue clapping. There's more hushed discussion and the crowd seems confused. "So have you heard of this Barbenheimer thing? I mean, can you imagine if E.T. and The Thing came out on the same day? We'd be calling it E THING! ET phone home - this is too scary for me!" Nearly three quarters of the audience is gone now and even those remaining behind have stopped clapping or laughing. There's an awkward cough as Jim wanders off the stage and comes back with a wooden box. "Now then, a friend of mine decided to come visit us tonight. Sure, his jokes might be a little.... WOODEN... but he's a good guy. Of course, his comedy gets a little non-PC. Let me introduce you all to Senor Ding Dong, the Mexican-Chinese ventriloquist puppet!" The Moulin Beet is shut down the next day. Jim and his racist puppet both mug for the camera.
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Oct 2, 2023 15:42
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A Fancy Hat posted:Dwight purchases an old, run down night club and transforms it into The Moulin Beet - a cabaret that quickly becomes a centerpiece of Scranton's burgeoning bohemian culture. Each night, Dwight presents a bevy of performers to the delight of Scranton's citizens, who mingle freely and without judgement. Unfortunately the premature closing foils Jims plan to horrify the audience and cause the club to close. Sighing, Jim packs away his nerf gun filled with itching powder. “I guess the world isn’t ready for you yet Senor Ding Dong.” It must be a trick of the light, but for a moment it looks like the puppet is mugging at a camera.
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Oct 2, 2023 16:58
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Jim hides his racist puppet in Dwight's bag and uses his ventriloquist skills to make the bag spout racist statements. Dwight is forced to watch a mandatory sensitivity training video. While someone insults his ethnicity a vaguely off white guy mugs for the camera.
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Oct 3, 2023 04:18
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jim dresses up as a sexy lady rabbit and as dwight's eyes fall upon him, they briefly protrude from his head and his pupils turn into heart shapes and he makes an AWOOGA noise. the rest of the episode is a farcical romp as dwight chases lady-rabbit-jim around the office, with a protracted scene shot down a hallway with many doors where jim and dwight enter and exit multiple doors in a manner that seems to defy physics, while various other characters also come in and out of doorways acting out various brief vignettes. at one point angela exits a doorway but she's dressed in a provocative neglige and she turns to the camera and shrieks while covering herself with her hands, and then runs into a doorway.
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Oct 3, 2023 04:42
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Jim transforms the hallway leading to Dunder Mifflin's office into a haunted attraction in order to "terrify and alarm Dwight". Unfortunately, Jim's budget goes entirely towards schlubby guys dressed as clowns with chainsaws, so it's more annoying than anything else. After 4 days of this most of the office is suffering from some degree of hearing loss, and Dwight asks Jim to please shut it down. "WHAT?" Jim says, loudly, as he mugs for the camera.
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Oct 3, 2023 12:55
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All the pranks on this page, except they’re fun pranks for New Jim (the broken printer on its side in the corner) to play on New Dwight (a calculator suspended in jello).
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Oct 3, 2023 15:06
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Jim installs J, the everyjim app, on New Andy (a cellphone that can’t stop playing a cappella versions of pop hits from the year 2005 at full volume). The app causes New Andy to become extremely racist as a result.
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Oct 3, 2023 15:21
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Jim, age 9, is playing in the back yard as his parents Betsy and Gerald argue about something of little consequence. "Oh, real mature, Betsy! You know I have high blood pressure, right? You could have killed me, you stupid bitch!" "gently caress you, Gerald! I'll put up every clown painting I want. God knows it helps break up the wood paneling you decided should cover every square inch of this shithole!" Outside, Jim covers his ears and lets out a squeal, trying to drown out his parents voices as they carry through the open kitchen window. He starts banging one hand against his forehead until, blessedly, the screaming stops. He returns to his task - digging in the loose soil of the backyard with a plastic shovel. As he mindlessly digs, he eventually hits something. Reaching his fingers into the dirt, he grabs the mostly-submerged object and gets a small electric shock. He winces and pulls back, but goes after the object again with his shovel and eventually frees it from the soil. Covering his hand with the bottom of his neon green shirt, Jim grabs the object cautiously and sets it in front of him. Staring back at young Jim Halpert is a strange metallic figure. Although it looks somewhat human the proportions are oddly stretched and distorted. The figure's face appears to be twisted into a strange distorted grimace. Jim feels something odd pass over him as he looks at the statue and quickly looks away. As he does, he notices that his parents are frozen in mid-conversation in the window. Jim stands up and sees that EVERYTHING is frozen in place. A bird is in mid-flight just a few feet away from him, cars passing by on the street remain motionless with drivers like statues behind the wheel, and even the air feels oddly still and heavy. There's something wrong with the light, too. The sunlight isn't normally so... dull. Jim blinks a few times, thinking he might have heatstroke, like last summer when his parents left him in the back of the car while they went to Action Park. He rushes into the house for a glass of water but finds it impossible to turn on the sink. The refrigerator door is likewise stuck. Jim can feel his heart racing now and he's worried that something has gone horribly wrong. As he begins to panic, he hears footsteps upstairs. Relief washes over Jim as he rushes upstairs, expecting to see one of his brothers running around. They can help him figure out what's going on, they always do. But as Jim reaches the top step, he sees a horrific visage peering at him from the doorway. The face is deathly pale and two sunken eyes train themselves on Jim, floating above a piggish nose and a wicked smile made of teeth that look as sharp as knives. Jim shrieks in horror as the creature rushes towards Jim, crawling on its hands and knees. The entire body is sickeningly pale and thin, reminding Jim for a moment of overcooked chicken his mother once made. One hand, complete with claw-like nails, extends outward and pins Jim to the ground, easily enveloping his entire chest. Jim screams again as the figure brings its face right next to Jim's. The hot, rancid breath of the monster falls upon Jim's face and causes him to dry heave. The thing then extends its other hand towards Jim and lightly pats him on the head, almost tenderly, before releasing the boy and rushing downstairs. Jim follows behind cautiously, finding the monster watching both of his parents with almost animal-like curiostity. "Please," Jim says in a weak voice, "please don't hurt them. Please go away." The thing turns its head quizzically towards Jim, then smiles at him. Somehow, oddly, this is comforting to Jim. He smiles back. "Oh. You're not a bad guy at all, are you?" The thing shakes its head back and forth. Jim giggles. "Did you make everybody stop?" The thing nods at this and Jim feels as if he's beginning to comprehend things. "You came out of that statue, right? Something like that?" The thing nods again. Jim smiles. "So you're my friend now?" The thing pauses for just a moment, then nods again. Over the next 3 months, nearly a dozen children go missing across Scranton. Police are utterly baffled as there appears to be no connection between any of the kids, leading them to believe there's a serial killer on the loose. Jim is sitting in class one day (there are 5 empty chairs in his classroom now) when another child pokes him in the back with a pencil. Jim asks him to stop. "Stop it! Please, I'm Jim the Loser, please stop poking me! That's what YOU sound like, rear end!" The boy whispers in Jim's ear. Jim goes red with anger and embarrassment, he's still at the age where swear words feel taboo and full of eldritch power. He puts his head down and continues listening to his teacher as the pencil pokes again and again into his shoulder blades. As Jim leaves school that day and heads to the school bus, his bully is waiting for him. "HEY HALPERT!" he screams, running full speed at Jim, prepared to tackle him to the ground. As he does, however, the air grows still and the afternoon sun feels oddly faded, like an old photograph. The boy stumbles and trips, ending up at Jim's feet. "What the fu-" The boy is cut off by Jim kicking him, full force, in the teeth. He crumbles to the ground, tears welling in his eyes, as Jim begins stomping on his head. "STOP! JIM, please! I'm sorry, I won't pick on you! Please!" Jim stops and the boy looks up. Jim is mugging at him. Running away towards his bus, the boy notices that some of his teeth have been knocked loose and his bottom lip has been split open. His parents will be pissed, but that's bad news for Halpert. He'll get suspended for sure, and that'll show him who's boss. The boy, so focused on his pain and anger, doesn't notice that everyone around him is frozen in place. He finally reaches his bus and rushes in the open door, then grabs a seat at the very back. As he does, he hears something moving under the seat. Something drags itself across the metal floor of the bus and rises up in front of the boy. Before he can even scream it's upon him, and another child goes missing from Scranton without a trace. Miles away, Dwight's father is finishing home schooling his son. Dwight asks if he's allowed to go play in the beet field for a while before dinner. "Just be careful, okay? With those kids going missing, I don't want you getting out of my sight, okay? And take that whistle with you, that way you can blow it if anything looks weird." He ruffles Dwight's hair and sends him off into the beet field, keeping one cautious eye on Dwight as he happily runs around. Dwight's mother appears then and puts a comforting arm around her husband's midsection. "They'll catch whoever's doing this, hon. They're just bound to." Decades later, Michael offhandedly mentions that he had dozens of imaginary friends as a kid because he "had no real friends". "Heh," Jim giggles, "I guess I was kind of the same way. Did your imaginary friend help all your problems go away, too?" "I mean, metaphorically, I guess." "Yeah, that's what I meant. Megaflorically. Sure." Jim mugs for the camera.
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Oct 3, 2023 15:46
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Jim removes the small bag of Doritos from Dwight’s lunch, rendering it less satisfying and enjoyable.
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Oct 3, 2023 15:51
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Jim brings a Kid Cuisine All-Star Chicken Nuggets meal to eat for lunch. "Hey Dwight, you want a bite of my brownie?" Dwight, feeling the need to be polite, says he'd love one. Jim then hands him a hunk of under-microwaved brownie with some macaroni cheese dripped on it, along with a few hunks of still-frozen corn in it. Dwight chokes it down and smiles at Jim, thanking him for the food. "No, thank YOU, Dwight."
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Oct 3, 2023 15:55
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Oct 3, 2023 16:04
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Jim rummages in his basement among the tools of his past pranks trying to find inspiration for new ones. He looks at his deflated old Zorb, the cages with Chips the monkey and Little Champion the bald eagle, the discharged squeaky shoe machine, the souped up elevator cabin and so on. But he can't find any new ideas... Jim sighs, feeling a bit like an artist struggling with writer's block. The relics of pranks past surround him—each a testament to his ingenuity, each a memory of laughter and triumph over Dwight. But today, the inspiration well seems to have run dry.Just as he's about to give up, a glint catches his eye. Among a rubber duck, a kazoo, and a whoopee cushion it lies. Jim begins to smile, a new idea forming in his head. A prank which has never been done before... Next morning when Dwight opens his drawer he finds his stapler encased in jello. Jim mugs the camera.
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Oct 4, 2023 10:16
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Erasable Penis posted:Jim rummages in his basement among the tools of his past pranks trying to find inspiration for new ones. He looks at his deflated old Zorb, the cages with Chips the monkey and Little Champion the bald eagle, the discharged squeaky shoe machine, the souped up elevator cabin and so on. But he can't find any new ideas... Next morning when Dwight opens his drawer he finds his stapler encased in carbonite Jim force chokes the cameraman.
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Oct 4, 2023 14:25
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In the near-future, the employees of Dunder Mifflin are gathered in Scranton Hills Cemetery for the funeral of one of their own. Dressed in black, the mourners stand under umbrellas as a torrential downpour falls around them. Pam tosses a single rose on the banana-yellow coffin, decorated to look like a Minion. "Goodbye, Jim. I loved you, once upon a time." The coffin is lowered into the sopping wet ground as the employees of Dunder Mifflin exchange awkward glances at each other. Everyone tosses a small handful of dirt on the grave as the priest (also dressed as a Minon, per Jim's final requests) reads a small prayer in Minon-ish. "Bee do dee bo. Banana. Banana dee bo doo." As Dwight and Angela drive home, Angela leans over to her husband and plants a loving kiss on his cheek. "Thanks for helping pay for Jim's weird funeral, Dwight. I'm sure he would have loved it." Dwight smiles at his wife and thanks her. Pam originally opted for a burial at sea for Jim, which was her fancy way of saying she wanted to flush his ashes down the toilet. Despite their differences, Dwight felt that Jim deserved some kind of respect in the end. Although there was that one request that even Dwight thought was a step too far... "D, you okay? You look like you're a hundred miles away right now." Dwight shakes himself out of his thoughts and tells Angela he's fine, he was just focused on driving in all the rain. It doesn't show any signs of stopping and it's still a bit of a drive home. They finish the drive in silence, except for the steady patter of rain on the roof of the car. The next morning it's still raining and Dwight notices water beginning to pool in the basement. He goes to get his emergency pump rolling when a thought hits him - is this Jim's final prank? - that he quickly pushes away. Jim is dead, killed by his own neglect and poor diet. No matter how odd he was this terrible weather has nothing to do with him. Dwight turns on the pump and tells Michael he'll be working from home today to monitor the situation. It continues to rain all day. "Dwight, I'm getting worried about the beets. This much rain can't be good. And Mose seems depressed." Dwight looks outside as the rain continues to fall. The beet field looks more like a swamp right now, and Mose is laying in the driveway, his head tucked in his arms. The rain always seems to bother him and this incredible deluge has really driven him to a dark place. Dwight steps into the still-wet basement, sighing as realizes that he won't be able to logically handle this problem until he removes the supernatural element from his mind. He must complete Jim's final request. The next day, in the still pouring rain, Dwight walks into the office. He then takes a mylar balloon, pulls down his pants, and places the balloon between his buttcheeks. He begins farting, loudly and violently, in order to slowly fill up the balloon. It takes a very long time, but the balloon eventually pops. There is silence in the office for a moment. Pure silence, as the rain has finally stopped. The sun peeks out from behind a cloud. Somewhere, in the distance, a childish giggle is heard. Balloon Boy is heard on the breeze, soft and delicate.
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Oct 4, 2023 16:02
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A day in the life of... Michael 5am Michael arrives at work. He has taken to starting his work days as early as possible. 10.45am The reason for Michael's early starts has arrived - earlier than usual Michael notes. Jim immediately sits at his desk and does ... nothing as usual. Michael sighs and closes the blinds of his office. 11am Michael hears some commotion about minions in the main office room and Dwight's shouting. He chooses to ignore it and counts down the minutes until his lunch break. As usual he plans to take a long one in the hopes of missing one or two of Jim's pranks. 2pm Michael comes back from lunch and does his best to not notice the paddling pool filled to the brim with vomit and Dwight sitting right in the middle. He however makes a mental note to double the budget for the cleaning company this month. 3pm One more hour to go. Michael hears an explosion and sees a pile of confetti being blown through the gap below his office door. He calls the cleaning company again to triple the budget. 4pm Michael leaves his office. He goes right to the reception and a visibly drunk Pam. He mentions to her that perhaps she should try to wear a bra at work again but he is not sure that she is still able to understand him at this time of the day. 4.05pm Michael steps over Dwight who lies on the carpet before the elevator missing his right arm and bleeding profusely. Michael thinks about increasing the cleaning budget permanently and saving himself a few calls a week. At least he avoided any and all contact with Jim today. A win in Michael's view. Erasable Penis fucked around with this message at 22:21 on Oct 4, 2023 |
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Oct 4, 2023 16:36
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Dwight receives a letter in the mail informing him that a museum in Germany has been displaying his great-grandfather's skull in a diorama for several decades. Societal pressure forced the museum to research the origins of many of its human remains, and they discovered that Ezekial Schrute never consented to having his body parts displayed in such a way. Dwight is invited to tour the museum and make a final determination as to what to do with the skull. "Wow, Dwight, I guess museums are going woke now, too?" Jim asks. "That display was up for decades and nobody complained. God knows the Germans looooove to complain, too. But now it's suddenly bad? Wow. What a world we live in." Dwight asks Jim how he'd feel if it was a relative of his in the display or, God forbid, if Jim's own body ended up as part of a museum without his consent. "I don't know, Dwight, and I don't care. That won't happen to me, I'm keeping my body intact for the Rapture." Dwight frowns and begins booking his trip to Germany, eager to finally put a relative's body to rest. Centuries pass. "Hey Quintxyxx? Did you hear they're finally taking out that old quantum museum display?" "Wow, I guess museums are going woke now. I just don't understand WHY we need to ignore the past. How am I supposed to remember this stuff happened if there's not a 4 dimensional quantum version of it in my face at all times? Lorflax knows the kids these days are so busy on their drat isotrons, half of them can't even read a 7 dimensional printout of the star field any more!" Gurdurp Prime rolls his eyes at his pod-mate's ignorant assessment of the issues and continues reading about the removal of the museum display. It's a replica of one of the 21st century's most terrifying and depressing environments - the office. In it, dozens of people were crammed into a single building and forced to coexist while working on menial tasks that enriched a single "boss". Sometimes there were multiple levels of "management" in which "money" was funneled upwards towards a single individual. This display shows one of the darkest sides of office life; in which two coworkers are pitted against each other in physical combat for a meaningless title and a small extra allotment of rations. One figure sits at a desk made of ancient wood, typing away on a prehistoric computing device. Another figure, his coworker, leans over him, placing an ancient tool known as a stapler into a gel-like substance made of horse hooves. This begins the violent and bloody conflict which may continue for days, weeks... sometimes even years. Truly, ancient man was a strange and violent beast at times. "It turns out the one figure was built around human remains. Gross. But I guess that's why the face looks so weird." "Oh yeah, that's the one who looks like this..." Quintyxx mugs for Gurdurp Prime. "Ugh, yeah, that's it."
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Oct 5, 2023 13:56
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Jim gets really into what he terms “jimming”: writing explicit stories featuring Dwight and a series of Minions. Unfortunately for Dwight these stories find a ready fan base online, and soon give rise to an entire new genre of erotic fan fiction, all featuring Dwight Shrute.
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Oct 5, 2023 17:35
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After playing fun pranks on Dwight for decades, Jim is out of ideas. He can't think of anything else, he's exhausted every possible fun prank to play in every conceivable universe against any possible essence of Dwight. Instead, Jim gets really into becoming a content creator, and releases a misogynistic 11-hour long YouTube reaction to a slightly negative review of Donkey Kong 64 from the December 1999 issue of C&CG Magazine.
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Oct 5, 2023 18:04
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poisonpill posted:After playing fun pranks on Dwight for decades, Jim is out of ideas. He can't think of anything else, he's exhausted every possible fun prank to play in every conceivable universe against any possible essence of Dwight. Instead, Jim gets really into becoming a content creator, and releases a misogynistic 11-hour long YouTube reaction to a slightly negative review of Donkey Kong 64 from the December 1999 issue of C&CG Magazine. Jim and his new best friend Andrew Tate talk loudly about being a sigma male and how to traffic women while Dwight tries to get through day. It’s not even a prank.
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Oct 5, 2023 18:22
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Jim rides his skateboard through Jim's beet field. Dwight leans out the window to angrily shake his fist.
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Oct 5, 2023 18:46
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"Wow, still tying your shoes, huh?" Jim says condescendingly as Dwight re-ties one of his shoes under his desk. "It's 2023, Dwight. Get with the times." Jim then sticks his foot out and whistles, causing his shoes to automatically untie themselves. He whistles again and the shoelaces, as if by magic, tie themselves again. "Get in touch with me when you want to up your shoe game, Balloon Boy." Jim then tosses a business card at Dwight that just says "JIM" on it. Intrigued by these high-tech shoes, Dwight asks Jim if he can purchase a pair. Jim then tells him the shoes are sold out for the foreseeable future and mugs for the camera.
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Oct 5, 2023 18:52
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nothing. an endless wave of comforting silence that promises to bring happiness and stretches on forever of blissful peace. floating weightless in a sea of contentment. then a sharp crack sound, a bolt of blackness pierces the nothing bring pain. fear. the pain and fear spread across his chest. he hurts. he is in pain. his entire body racks with pain. this is the new reality. pain and fear and hurt. forever. cut to a talking head of jim in the conference room, "good thing i suggested we install those defibrillator paddles: we almost lost dwight!" jim mugs the camera as we cut to footage of dwight opening his first hospital bill.
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Oct 6, 2023 02:06
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Jim shows up to work waddling in the door with his hands tucked into his armpits like wings. He hops on his desk and starts cawing "CAW! CAW! CAW!" Everyone tries to ignore it, until his phone rings and he nudges the handset with his nose and starts cawing into the receiver. This goes on for 20 minutes while everyone is finding a reason to go to the break room to get a coffee or use the restroom. Eventually Michael dressed as a mime herds and motions everyone back to their desks to find Jim sitting in his chair normally. Jim says to Dwight "We just got the corvid account." Dwight annoyed replies, "Jim, corvids don't buy paper." Jim throws a shelled walnut at Dwight's face and says "I know you don't buy paper balloon boy"
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Oct 6, 2023 03:56
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Jim wakes up and finds himself not in his race car bed, but lying in a seemingly endless field of green grass. A cool breeze blows over him, bringing him a degree of satisfaction he normally only receives from pranks. "Philip? Cece? Did you guys do this to Daddy? You got me, now bring me back home, okay? Kids?" Jim's voice goes unanswered and he begins to look around for any signs of life. The horizon seems to stretch out endlessly before him, but he can at least see the sun in the distance. "May as well keep walking in one direction, I guess," Jim says as he begins heading towards what he hopes is east, thinking that the sun must have recently risen. Jim is very wrong in his assumption. After a few hours Jim seems to have made little to no progress and is beginning to notice that the sun hasn't moved from its position. There's still no sign of civilization but Jim does notice a thicket of trees further in the distance. Deciding that he should at least see what's going on here, Jim keeps walking. Two hours later, he finally reaches the trees. A thick canopy of leaves practically blocks out the sky and Jim ventures into the wooded area (which he's realizing is much larger than he first imagined it to be), hoping to find someone or something to prove that he's not just wandering endlessly. Making matters worse, Jim feels like he should try and find something to eat. He's not especially hungry, in fact he's not hungry at all, but he's been walking for so long that he thinks he MUST be hungry in some way. Again, Jim is very wrong in this assumption. After a very long time Jim finds a single flower poking up from the ground, a sliver of sunlight beaming down from a hole in the thick canopy above. Jim leans down towards it and sees, with shock, that Dwight's face is peering back at him from between the petals. "D-Dwight? What is going on?" The Dwight-flower winks at Jim, then shrivels up and dies, spilling its petals on the ground. Jim decides to lay down and take a nap, hoping that this might be some sort of bout of psychosis that will soon pass. However, he finds himself unable to sleep. He tosses and turns and eventually opens his eyes, realizing that he can't sleep. Or perhaps, he doesn't need to sleep any more. Staring at Jim is a small squirrel. Oddly, this squirrel is wearing a pair of glasses. Glasses just like Dwight's. The squirrel looks quizzically at Jim before Jim reaches out, lightning-fast, and grabs it. Bringing the now frantic squirrel close to his face, Jim sneers at it. "Assistant TO the regional manager, Squirrel-boy! You always left off the 'to' to make yourself sound more important!" Jim then bites the head off the squirming squirrel and begins slurping down its blood. He picks at the stringy, tough meat of the woodland creature and, eventually, tosses the carcass to the ground. A now blood-soaked Jim continues wandering, content that he can now at least find food. A very long time later Jim is still wandering through the forest. There are more animals now, and a wider variety of plant life. Jim looks over at a tomato plant, each shiny red tomato looks back at him with Dwight's eyes. Jim smashes each one. "No beets, huh?!? No beets! Hahaha, of course, no loving beets!" A deer with mustard-yellow fur looks at Jim with almost human intelligence as a bird jumps from branch to branch above, letting out a call that sounds like "Bears Beets Battlestar Galactica". Jim stomps through a patch of roses that smell like Dwight, making sure to stomp on each and every single one, before yanking a snail off of a tree. "I see you!" Jim screeches at the snail, whose shell is the exact color of Dwight's eyes. "I loving see you!" Jim shoves the snail in his mouth, shell and all, and crunches down. "Goddamn you Dwight, I know you're doing this to me! I can see you, buddy, can you see me? Can anybody see me?" Jim passes a tree whose bark has grown to look like a human face. Dwight's face, to be exact. The tree seems to be sneering at him. This throws Jim into a rage and he begins kicking and punching the tree, tearing off large hunks of bark with his bare hands. Behind him, dozens of small birds have gathered and seem to be laughing. Jim turns to them, red in the face, and lets out an almost primordial scream, then throws a hunk of bark at them. The birds scatter into the air, still laughing, as Jim falls to the ground, exhausted. As he looks up into the air there's a break in the thick leaves above. Jim can see the sky, blue and cloudless, and wonders how long it's been since it was night. As he stares, a hot air balloon passes by. A figure inside, difficult to recognize because of the distance, waves at Jim. "B-balloon boy?" There's a loud stomping in the forest now and most of the smaller animals have run off. Jim, more mentally exhausted than he's ever been before, sits up and looks for the source of the sound. Coming straight towards him is a massive black bear wearing a mustard yellow shirt and a tie. "Heh, that's pretty funny." Jim's final words echo through the strange, timeless forest as the bear descends on him, teeth and claws gnashing and tearing and ripping away.
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Oct 6, 2023 13:29
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jim shits on the bonnet of dwight's car, from the inside
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Oct 6, 2023 13:32
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Jim becomes a being of pure energy and causes the lights in Dwight’s home to flicker annoyingly.
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Oct 6, 2023 13:35
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Dwight is a camera and Jim is a mug
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Oct 6, 2023 13:39
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Jim insists that he "really ties the room together" when Michael suggests he find employment elsewhere.
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Oct 6, 2023 13:43
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Dwight goes all out to cosplay as the Tom Baker Dr. Who for Halloween this year, showing up a few weeks early at work in costume in hopes of inspiring the rest of the office to maybe make their own Whoniverse costumes. Jim doesn't like the 4th Doctor and shoots Dwight repeatedly hoping to cause Dwight to regenerate. Jim is found not guilty of attempted murder at the trial due to the state's repeated acceptance that Jim is both mentally unable to tell fantasy from reality AND seems to be able to alter the very nature of reality into fantasy, as evidenced by Dwight now looking like the 5th Doctor.
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Oct 6, 2023 14:00
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Jim, tight on funds, has to plan his next prank around a budget approximately equal to a 4th Doctor episode of Doctor Who. Dwight is sitting at his desk when suddenly a giant mechanical arm bursts forth from the wall and grasps him. At least, that's how it looks on camera, as Jim slowly moves a tiny robot toy right next to the lens. "Dwight! This is gonna look great on TV, trust me. Can you kinda... wiggle your arms around? Thanks. Hey Andy, how's the robot brain made out of a coffee machine and bubble wrap looking?" "Well, Tuna, one of the lights isn't working and I can't figure out why. And some of the bubble wrap is melting when we turn on the coffee machine." "gently caress. Eh, it'll be fine. Ok people, let's roll."
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Oct 6, 2023 14:18
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Jim debuts a Dwight voodoo doll, eagerly sticking a pin into its arm. Expecting Dwight to flinch or yelp, Jim smirks and says, "Time for a little acupuncture, Dwight." Instead, Dwight starts massaging his arm and mentions how good it feels.Not giving up, Jim transitions to Plan B. He places the doll in a bowl of cold water, quipping, "Let's see if you can handle the chill, Dwight." Just then, the office AC malfunctions, making the room unbearably hot. Dwight stands up, feeling refreshingly cool, and thanks whoever "fixed the AC."In a final act of desperation, Jim shakes the doll vigorously, muttering, "Shake things up a bit, shall we?" Dwight abruptly stands up but it's to celebrate landing a massive sales deal, calling it his "luckiest day ever." Jim mugs the camera in confusion.
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Oct 6, 2023 14:21
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Dwight suggests the office staff perform Rocky Horror for the Scranton Halloween Charity Ball. Everyone agrees to do their very best for the show and Jim says he'll be Dr. Frank N Furter. The day of the show, Jim shows up as Doctor Who.
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Oct 6, 2023 14:36
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A ceiling tile is bumped loose by the boom mic operator and conks Jim on the head. He falls to the ground in a heap and begins glowing with an alien energy. He eventually stands back up but looks completely different, in fact Dwight thinks he kind of looks like Chris Pratt now. "Oh man," Jim says, bugging his eyes out, " that was wild!" Dwight grows more and more suspicious of this strange turn of events when he realizes he never actually saw Jim's face up close before the tile fell, in fact it kind of looked like Chris Pratt was wearing a poorly-made Jim wig. Jim, who to reiterate now looks like Chris Pratt, mugs for the camera.
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Oct 6, 2023 15:23
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| # ? May 31, 2024 05:51 |
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jim performs an unwanted erotic dance for dwight
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Oct 6, 2023 15:28
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