buttcoin: my kids know me as this ape

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Serious Hardware/Software Crap > YOSPOS > buttcoin: my kids know me as this ape

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Boxturret: Oct 3, 2013; Don't ask me about Sonic the Hedgehog diaper fetish

just think, instead of making history buying a pizza for hundreds of bit-coins that guy could have held on to them for years and become one of many who lost all their money through some exchange "hack"

bet he feels silly

# ? Oct 15, 2023 19:04

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# ? Jun 8, 2024 05:53

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

New Jauwn video about lovely crypto games. It's amazing how fast they die even when they are somewhat playable.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJdCbSohWdI

Also, turns out Jauwn's a goon, used to read old buttcoin threads.

# ? Oct 15, 2023 19:12

4lokos basilisk: Jul 17, 2008

qirex posted:

the accounting system I work on can cost millions of dollars per year and its most direct competitor is excel. people do a lot of poo poo they shouldn�t, up into billions in assets at �small� hedge funds, using spreadsheets

someone in this forum pointed out a long time ago that keeping important finances in a weird excel sheet is often part of the point so that there always remains a "oops we were just sloppy, we did not mean to do fraud!" loophole for when people get caught.

obviously this is not done by keeping track of billions using whatever the gently caress sbf kept ftx books in, but i have no doubt that no big money institution is really 100% invested in having their books in perfect order and ready to be audited at any moment since their system is fully regulation and lawful etc

# ? Oct 15, 2023 19:23

qirex: Feb 15, 2001

4lokos basilisk posted:

someone in this forum pointed out a long time ago that keeping important finances in a weird excel sheet is often part of the point so that there always remains a "oops we were just sloppy, we did not mean to do fraud!" loophole for when people get caught.

obviously this is not done by keeping track of billions using whatever the gently caress sbf kept ftx books in, but i have no doubt that no big money institution is really 100% invested in having their books in perfect order and ready to be audited at any moment since their system is fully regulation and lawful etc

pre-ftx everywhere I�ve heard of that was doing big time financial crimes always had a set of perfect books in addition to to crime.xls. even madoff securities had a balance sheet they showed to prospects

sam�s innovation was not bothering to make cooked books until it was way too late

# ? Oct 15, 2023 19:36

Boxturret: Oct 3, 2013; Don't ask me about Sonic the Hedgehog diaper fetish

sam was such a genius he kept the entire company in his head

# ? Oct 15, 2023 19:43

Erenthal: Jan 1, 2008; A relaxing walk in the woods; Grimey Drawer

Boxturret posted:

sam was such a genius he kept the entire company in his head

fun fact, that isn't his hair, it's all the crime in the company extruding from his skull

# ? Oct 15, 2023 19:44

4lokos basilisk: Jul 17, 2008

qirex posted:

pre-ftx everywhere I�ve heard of that was doing big time financial crimes always had a set of perfect books in addition to to crime.xls. even madoff securities had a balance sheet they showed to prospects

sam�s innovation was not bothering to make cooked books until it was way too late

they also might not have made it big time if there was no crypto boom and they tried this in a more regulated space

# ? Oct 15, 2023 19:46

haveblue: Aug 15, 2005; Toilet Rascal

his smartest move was finding billions of dollars that did not care whether or not the books were cooked

# ? Oct 15, 2023 19:51

FAUXTON: Jun 2, 2005; spero che tu stia bene

haveblue posted:

his smartest move was finding billions of dollars that did not care whether or not the books were cooked

much like shrimp

# ? Oct 15, 2023 20:13

Hammerite: Mar 9, 2007; And you don't remember what I said here, either, but it was pompous and stupid.; Jade Ear Joe

the frog in the power armour bikini has a very piercing gaze

# ? Oct 15, 2023 20:51

NoneMoreNegative: Jul 20, 2000; GOTH FASCISTIC
PAIN MASTER

shit wizard dad

Boxturret posted:

sam was such a genius

Sam Wise Scam G

# ? Oct 15, 2023 21:06

Chris Knight: Jun 5, 2002; me @ ur posts; Fun Shoe

Vesi posted:

Xathal can explain is better than Cathal

https://twitter.com/poliebotics/status/1713262712560460113

so it's VALIS

# ? Oct 15, 2023 21:30

gschmidl: Sep 3, 2011; watch with knife hands

Chris Knight posted:

so it's VALIS

Vast Active Lying Idiot Shitcoin

# ? Oct 15, 2023 21:32

Relevant Tangent: Nov 18, 2016; Tangentially Relevant

Lead out in cuffs posted:

You know, reading Matt Levine's latest newsletter about the FTX stuff, I remain astonished that they seemed to be doing the finances for a company handling tens of billions of dollars using loving Google Sheets.

would excel or access really have been better

# ? Oct 15, 2023 22:42

Powerful Two-Hander: Mar 10, 2004; Mods please change my name to "Tooter Skeleton" TIA.

Paladinus posted:

Drappi, lol.

"Ey ma, I gotta hit the Drappini!"

I don't even know where I know that reference from

# ? Oct 15, 2023 23:48

Beeftweeter: Jun 28, 2005; OFFICIAL #1 GNOME FAN

pretty sure that's a pokemon

# ? Oct 15, 2023 23:59

...!: Oct 5, 2003; I SHOULD KEEP MY DUMB MOUTH SHUT INSTEAD OF SPEWING HORSESHIT ABOUT THE ORBITAL MECHANICS OF THE JAMES WEBB SPACE TELESCOPE.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT A LAGRANGE POINT IS?

more from slate, this is caroline's testimony. very long but the entire thing is worth reading. sam is a criming machine!

quote:

The Stunning Revelations From Caroline Ellison�s Second Day on the Stand

A Chinese bribe! A Saudi deal! And other secrets shared in the star witness�s testimony against SBF.

BY NITISH PAHWA
OCT 11, 20232:38 PM

This article has been updated following Ellison�s Wednesday afternoon testimony.

Folks, it�s Wednesday afternoon, and the vibes at the Southern District of New York are nothing less than scandalous. The second day of the much-hyped testimony from former Sam Bankman-Fried partner/direct report/confidante Caroline Ellison is, so far, even more stunning than what she revealed on Tuesday. This round, we�ve ventured beyond the glitz of American finance and Bahamian luxury into the thick of foreign-bribery allegations.

To be very clear, as Judge Lewis A. Kaplan stated outright, Sam Bankman-Fried himself is not facing charges to that effect in this trial; the focus is on his alleged fraud and domestic conspiracies. That being said, Assistant U.S. Attorney Danielle Sassoon thought it, well, pertinent to question Ellison on SBF�s possible foreign entanglements, primarily as a means of 1) spelling out the defendant�s possible motives for the charges being currently tried, and 2) demonstrating Ellison�s viability as a witness, not least through her familiarity with both FTX�s various tendrils of (alleged!) criminal activity and the language by which SBF and co. discussed such matters.

Some important background: As the prosecution pointed out, various communications between SBF and Caroline Ellison (among others at FTX and Alameda Research) no longer exist. Bankman-Fried insisted on keeping �sensitive� work communications in encrypted Signal group chats that would disappear after a week. However, the evidence so far has included some preserved Signal messages, Telegram chats, Google Suite interactions, and�most explosively�the sworn word of Caroline Ellison, who chatted with SBF in �coded terms� that she�s now decoded for us. Here�s what she said Wednesday:

� First up, Ellison told the court that �Alameda paid a large bribe to Chinese government officials to get its accounts unlocked.� This allegation had been previously aired, thanks to a March Department of Justice indictment of SBF that laid it out somewhat hazily. Ellison�s answers offered new details. You see, she says, Alameda had accounts on �dozens of exchanges,� including OKX, an FTX-like crypto business originally headquartered in China. In November 2021, the Chinese government�already in the middle of a wide-scale cryptocurrency crackdown�froze Alameda�s accounts on OKX because it was investigating someone (still unnamed) who�d traded with Alameda. This meant Alameda could not withdraw any money from OKX and, later, it also meant that it could no longer engage in OKX trades. This put $1 billion out of reach, which, as Ellison put it, was a �substantial amount of Alameda trading capital.� An FTX-Alameda brain trust that then gathered to workshop solutions to this problem included the usual suspects (SBF, Ellison, Gary Wang, Nishad Singh) as well as FTX Chief Operating Officer Constance Wang, FTX Business Development Manager David Ma, and another employee referred to simply as �Handi.� (Here is a possible X/Twitter account for Handi?) These last three were included, Ellison noted, because they were �all Chinese and had connections with China� and its government. Specifically, Handi�s father (also not identified) was a mainland government official. The group proposed various strategies, including 1) making several sock-puppet OKX accounts named for real Thai prostitutes so Alameda traders could sidestep the freeze, 2) hiring a lawyer so that the company could negotiate with Chinese officials, which ultimately proved fruitless, and 3) in what Ellison said was Ma�s suggestion, sending at least $100 million of cryptocurrencies, in piece-by-piece installments, to specific wallet addresses whose owners, it was presumed, would help solve the issue. In other words: a bribe. SBF initially resisted this tack, according to Ellison, but later came to embrace it. Handi, however, was quite upset about the whole thing, which apparently led Bankman-Fried to yell at her to �shut the gently caress up,� as Ellison stated.

� In a January 2022 Signal group chat, a screenshot from which was presented to the jury, SBF, Ellison, and Alameda co-CEO Sam Trabucco discussed the China/Handi issue. The Bankman-Fried message seen by the court led off with �btw, Handi�s being pretty lovely/antagonistic.� By that time, Ellison said, Handi had already quit Alameda. In a February 2022 chat, Trabucco wrote, �did Handi�s father immediately turn us in or something,� to which SBF responded, �lol.� (Ellison pronounced the message �lawl,� and she was asked to explain to the court what the abbreviation meant.)

� In another document from late 2021, an Alameda balance sheet prepped by Ellison and shared with SBF, a bullet point headed a list of �notable/idiosyncratic pnl stuff��which, the witness explained, referred to factors affecting Alameda�s business. One of the list items read: �−150m from the thing?� �The thing,� Ellison declared, was referring to the alleged Chinese crypto bribe, in an example of the �coded terms� alluded to earlier.

� One more! When you run out of money, whom do you usually turn to? If your answer to that is Saudi Arabian Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, well, you and SBF have similar minds. In the fall of 2022, after the summer�s crypto-market downturns had worsened Alameda�s already precarious financial situation, SBF was apparently considering raising further capital by selling FTX equity shares to the, um, controversial Saudi royal. In an Ellison-penned to-do list from that time, which included a leading section on �hedging/getting more capital� for the embattled Alameda, one of the listed options was �raising from Saudis,� an idea that was entirely SBF�s, Ellison said. Another Ellison list shown to the jury was an �often-updated� log entitled �things Sam is freaking out about.� What was Sam freaking out about? Well, for one, he was really antsy about hedging Alameda/FTX losses by �raising from MBS� and �getting regulators to crack down on Binance.� This also popped up in another piece of evidence from Oct. 1, 2022, a separate Alameda balance sheet from Ellison that included a note for a fundraising �plan��to sell a couple billion dollars� worth of Bitcoin at a point when its price exceeded $20,000, as well as a method by which �FTX may raise.� This, Ellison informed us, was pointedly referring to SBF�s plan to sell off FTX equity shares to potential investors including � Saudi Arabia�s MBS.

The prosecution finally ended its questioning of Caroline Ellison�its �longest witness,� as the government lawyers put it�close to 4 p.m. on Wednesday. Next up, the defense�s cross-examination of this closely watched testifier, which will kick off in earnest Thursday morning. Outside of �the thing� and the other international tangos detailed above, the former Alameda CEO offered several other noteworthy revelations. To catch you up:

� In June 2022, with the entire crypto industry struggling, execs from the now-bankrupt Genesis crypto exchange hit up Ellison and Bankman-Fried on the Telegram messaging app to call back the hefty cash bags it�d previously loaned to Alameda, citing its own business troubles. Ellison attempted to hold off the Genesis guys for a bit, letting them know that Alameda was �getting loans called from everyone across the board� (which, true!). But eventually, she knew she�d have to repay the crypto lenders with � wait for it � be patient � keep waiting � say it with me now � FTX customer funds, especially since SBF kept directing her to pay back loans. �I was in sort of a constant state of dread at that point,� Ellison stated on the stand, calling this period a �time of crisis for Alameda.�

� (A key side note: Genesis, you might recall, is a subsidiary of Digital Currency Group, the influential asset-management company that also owns CoinDesk, the outlet that published a leaked Alameda balance sheet in November 2022 and helped set off the ensuing FTX-Alameda collapse. Unfortunately, it appears CoinDesk�s own reporting blew back on DCG, which had multiple subsidiaries with financial exposure to the Alameda tree; as a result, the parent company laid off 16 percent of CoinDesk�s staff in August. DCG has been purportedly exploring options for selling off the website altogether.)

� Ellison told the court she �lived in fear� of the prospect that customers would pull their money from FTX en masse and thus screw up Alameda�s balances (which, again, consisted of ample FTX customer trusts). Despite the significant deficit, SBF ordered Ellison to keep paying off Alameda�s multibillion-dollar loans, which involved more dips into�yep!�the FTX customer pot.

� When Genesis asked for a snapshot of Alameda�s balances, Ellison submitted to it a cooked-up Google Sheet that, per SBF�s direction, combined plenty of Alameda third-party loans into general assets, including long-term �investment in equity securities.� (Needless to say, these were not actually liquid assets.) This sheet was just one of seven different alternative records Ellison put together for this purpose. She showed them to SBF, who picked his favorite.

� Ellison told SBF that this move seemed dishonest, after which her ex-boyfriend explained to her his �utilitarian� outlook on the whole thing. TL;DR: Telling people not to lie or steal is not a workable strategy, and the �greater moral good� (in SBF�s case, the Future of Humanity) matters far more than the means used to get there. As such, Ellison said, �over time, [lying] became something I was more comfortable with.�

� Notably, this all sounds quite similar to how SBF�s mother, the legal scholar Barbara Fried, also approaches the utilitarian philosophy�i.e., that good ends tend to justify their means.

� SBF approached written communications with what he called the �New York Times test�: Anytime an employee sends a message in an internal company forum, it should be something they�d feel comfortable having published on the Times� front page (i.e., something that�s not incriminating).

� Bankman-Fried was also really, really touchy about PR and about shaping his image. Group chats displayed in the courtroom showed how SBF embraced the idea of Michael Lewis shadowing him for a book project�despite Ellison�s skepticism�because, the effective altruist Will MacAskill told him, if Bankman-Fried was going to attract more attention to himself anyway, then �getting ahead of the game and controlling the narrative is necessary.� This also fueled SBF�s interest in backing Elon Musk�s Twitter acquisition, as he believed that the network was essential to �control the narrative around FTX.� Too bad, then, that SBF apparently reneged on supporting the deal and Binance instead helped Musk cover the price tag, eh?

� SBF apparently claimed to Ellison that his shaggy hairstyle had earned him bonuses while he was a trader at Jane Street Capital. Sure, why not.

� There was one document presented as evidence in which SBF seemed to have penned his own �All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy� typewriter sheet, forgoing The Shining for a 10-times-repeated emphasis on how �what matters� most is �being aligned and always doing what you think is best for the company.�

� When the FTX-Alameda house finally buckled under (as she recounted the saga, Ellison choked up on the stand), SBF floated a bunch of potential investors who could maybe bail out the company�including Silvergate Bank, the California entity that hosted the Alameda bank account in which FTX depositors were directed to wire their money.

� Yes, that�s the same Silvergate Bank that went under earlier this year and foreshadowed the falls of Silicon Valley Bank, Signature Bank, and First Republic. A pretty nasty fallout from an ill-advised crypto bet.

# ? Oct 16, 2023 00:04

infernal machines: Oct 11, 2012; we monitor many frequencies. we listen always. came a voice, out of the babel of tongues, speaking to us. it played us a mighty dub.

Chris Knight posted:

so it's VALIS

that was my impression too, but with batman, because i guess that's what this generation of under/over medicated schizophrenics have for inspiration these days

# ? Oct 16, 2023 00:35

evilweasel: Aug 24, 2002

qirex posted:

pre-ftx everywhere I�ve heard of that was doing big time financial crimes always had a set of perfect books in addition to to crime.xls. even madoff securities had a balance sheet they showed to prospects

sam�s innovation was not bothering to make cooked books until it was way too late

lol absolutely not

for example: nobody went to jail over mf global, in part, because their accounting was so monstrously awful it was possible they legitimately simply misplaced a billion dollars of customer money in their corporate bank accounts by accident

not likely, but possible

# ? Oct 16, 2023 01:03

Eeyo: Aug 29, 2004

Powerful Two-Hander posted:

"Ey ma, I gotta hit the Drappini!"

I don't even know where I know that reference from

i think it�s one of those reddit relationship posts where the boyfriend speaks in a fake italian accent and calls the shower the �drippini�

# ? Oct 16, 2023 01:51

Boxturret: Oct 3, 2013; Don't ask me about Sonic the Hedgehog diaper fetish

...! posted:

more from slate, this is caroline's testimony. very long but the entire thing is worth reading. sam is a criming machine!

his shaggy hair style is the source of his powers, cutting it has weakened him significantly

# ? Oct 16, 2023 01:56

fizzy: Dec 2, 2022; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Boxturret posted:

his shaggy hair style is the source of his powers, cutting it has weakened him significantly

The SBF equivalent of Samson taking everyone down with him would be SBF commiting so many crimes that the jail sentences overflow to everyone around him.

# ? Oct 16, 2023 02:24

Shumagorath: Jun 6, 2001

evilweasel posted:

lol absolutely not

for example: nobody went to jail over mf global, in part, because their accounting was so monstrously awful it was possible they legitimately simply misplaced a billion dollars of customer money in their corporate bank accounts by accident

not likely, but possible

i worked at a vendor for MF Global in their dying days and would 100% believe it if an auditor found our repo software was to blame

# ? Oct 16, 2023 02:31

Boxturret: Oct 3, 2013; Don't ask me about Sonic the Hedgehog diaper fetish

i'm still thinking about those one thousand men with one face

# ? Oct 16, 2023 06:57

Powerful Two-Hander: Mar 10, 2004; Mods please change my name to "Tooter Skeleton" TIA.

Eeyo posted:

i think it’s one of those reddit relationship posts where the boyfriend speaks in a fake italian accent and calls the shower the “drippini”

lol yes that was it

# ? Oct 16, 2023 08:46

DerekSmartymans: Feb 14, 2005; The
Copacetic
Ascetic

Tunicate posted:

this is standard schizophrenic text, it's not really that interesting it's just sad

# ? Oct 16, 2023 10:23

Jean-Paul Shartre: Jan 16, 2015; this sentence no verb

evilweasel posted:

lol absolutely not

for example: nobody went to jail over mf global, in part, because their accounting was so monstrously awful it was possible they legitimately simply misplaced a billion dollars of customer money in their corporate bank accounts by accident

not likely, but possible

also doesn�t hurt that their principal was former CEO of Goldman (and a NJ Senator but I�m going in order of power here)

# ? Oct 16, 2023 12:32

Chris Knight: Jun 5, 2002; me @ ur posts; Fun Shoe

who said "adderal defense?"
https://twitter.com/coffeebreak_yt/status/1713723190130749588

# ? Oct 16, 2023 13:12

haveblue: Aug 15, 2005; Toilet Rascal

your honor, sam cannot function without his daily intake of thousands of shrimp

# ? Oct 16, 2023 13:14

Beeftweeter: Jun 28, 2005; OFFICIAL #1 GNOME FAN

Chris Knight posted:

who said "adderal defense?"

lol this is pretty incredible https://www.thedailybeast.com/sbfs-lawyers-plead-for-him-to-get-more-adderall-during-trial

quote:

The plan is to administer an extended-release pill on Monday, the lawyers said, but it is unclear whether the Bureau of Prisons has the medication or whether the extended release pill will be effective. If that plan does not work, they asked for the trial to be adjourned on Tuesday until a better solution is reached, or to be permitted to administer the medication themselves.

the trial can only continue and sam will only testify if he's loving spun, your honor

# ? Oct 16, 2023 13:18

refleks: Nov 21, 2006

your honor, who amongst us have not embezzled billions of dollars while absolutely slammed on meth. to get my client the fairest defense possible we suggest everyone on the jury start junking it up to get into the headspace of my client.

# ? Oct 16, 2023 14:36

Shame Boy: Mar 2, 2010

as someone who's on drugs for ADD i can totally empathize with not wanting to do a thing that could determine whether or not you go to prison without having your medication, however the fact that as far as i can tell he has medication and he's just asking for more kinda ruins any sympathy from me lol

# ? Oct 16, 2023 14:38

Cybernetic Vermin: Apr 18, 2005

though also entirely unironically all defendants should be allowed all the drugs they want before testifying.

under the peoples freedoms of voices and choices act.

# ? Oct 16, 2023 14:39

infernal machines: Oct 11, 2012; we monitor many frequencies. we listen always. came a voice, out of the babel of tongues, speaking to us. it played us a mighty dub.

refleks posted:

to get my client the fairest defense possible we suggest everyone on the jury start junking it up to get into the headspace of my client.

a jury of his peers

# ? Oct 16, 2023 14:55

Twerk from Home: Jan 17, 2009; This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.

https://twitter.com/crypto/status/1713914800076435561

Whoa, what's going on?

# ? Oct 16, 2023 15:03

Shame Boy: Mar 2, 2010

Twerk from Home posted:

https://twitter.com/crypto/status/1713914800076435561

Whoa, what's going on?

im the precipitous drop that happened moments before they could take the screenshot

# ? Oct 16, 2023 15:05

Twerk from Home: Jan 17, 2009; This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.

Shame Boy posted:

im the precipitous drop that happened moments before they could take the screenshot

Well, it is crypto after all

# ? Oct 16, 2023 15:09

Sweevo: Nov 8, 2007; i sometimes throw cables away

i mean straight into the bin without spending 10+ years in the box of might-come-in-handy-someday first

im a fucking monster

"bitcoin is crashing sell sell sell"

# ? Oct 16, 2023 15:12

Eeyo: Aug 29, 2004

lmao poor lost jurors, spurned by the prosecution

# ? Oct 16, 2023 15:15

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Jun 8, 2024 05:53

haveblue: Aug 15, 2005; Toilet Rascal

the juror lies by the subway, its belly baking in the hot sun, trying to flip itself over but it can't. and you're not helping

# ? Oct 16, 2023 15:16

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Serious Hardware/Software Crap > YOSPOS > buttcoin: my kids know me as this ape

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