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Why am I the bitch for telling Ivy to put on some god damned clothes if she's going to complain about being cold?! It's 120 in this greenhouse and I can't stay hydrated and I'm not dressing up like an Onlyfans performer to rob a lab. On my way out the door, I jacked the thermostat down to 63 and flipped her off. I'm going back to working for Freeze. Side note: Oh, there's a Ms. Freeze who took over for Mister Freeze, now. She's got like layers of body armor and she's never complaining about being cold. It's great. She doesn't care if I wear a jacket on the job, or a ski mask, or work gloves. You know, stuff that makes it hard to identify me more than matching grass lingerie. Sorry, sorry, I signed up with Ivy when I heard she was a 'feminist' and I guess I'm just an old-fashioned 80-90s era feminist who has very different ideas of female empowerment.
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Jun 2, 2023 21:01
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| # ? Jun 7, 2024 16:52 |
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https://youtu.be/rWNAS8H8aAI
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Jun 3, 2023 00:11
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snowflame#Superpowers
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Jun 3, 2023 03:21
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Eyy, just a word to my henchmen brothers: Me and a few of da boys was on a routine job, unloading canisters of clown gas at Gotham Zoo, when da Bat drops in through the skylight, doing his threat display instead of stealthily taking us out one by one. We know da score, so we indulge him with some heckling, you know, "I'm gonna bust you up!" and "You're in for it now!" but Little Tony - I don't know what got into him, maybe he wanted to make an impression? Anyways, he goes totally off-script and yells "When I'm through with you, your own mudda won't recognize ya!" And I swear da Bat visibly flinched. Then his eyes got real cold in his mask, and I could see him clench his jaw as he went straight for Lil' Tone, and the rest of us beat it. I just saw Lil' Tone at Wayne Hospital, and it woudda been more merciful if Bats had broken his no-killing rule, is all I'm sayin'. So wiseguys, stick with your pre-approved lines, even if they seem kinda cliché.
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Jun 3, 2023 13:49
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Ya know, as scary as it might be whenever some multidimensional being or alien creature shows up and threatens all of creation, at least it gives me and the boys here some time to get caught up on our backlog of crimes to do. Sure, we might all get snuffed out at any moment, but Bats being in the Justice League means he has to leave Gotham to go help them fight whatever it is, and the GCPD is too busy dealing with people calling and threatening to jump or whatever because "it's the End Times", so at that point me and the fellas can just run around and rob and loot to our hearts' content. Hell, the last time Darkseid or whoever showed up, Bats was in the middle of kicking the crap outta a bunch of us; I swear I heard him grumbling about it when his little JL beeper went off and he had to leave.
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Jun 3, 2023 14:26
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Hey boss, why don't we just go to a place that hasn't got any superheroes. Like Austin, Texas
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Jun 3, 2023 14:38
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happyhippy posted:Hey boss, why don't we just go to a place that hasn't got any superheroes. Because there's a bunch of villians already there running the joint. The turf war that would follow would make our little spat with penguins crew seem tiny. An dat wasn't even our fault! How was we supposed to know his boys were working the ice rink as a potential new front business the same night we was gonna joker gas it!?
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Jun 4, 2023 03:30
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does austin texas even have any abandoned amusement parks?
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Jun 4, 2023 04:08
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happyhippy posted:Hey boss, why don't we just go to a place that hasn't got any superheroes. I knew a guy who went up to Canada, thinking it would be easy to do crimes up there. He said they got superheroes, too, they just say "soh-rhy" when they're beating ya to a bloody pulp.
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Jun 4, 2023 04:20
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Quantum of Phallus posted:It’s da freakin’ bat!!! <drops crate, spilling novelty wind-up walking teeth everywhere> C'mon, Jerry - scarin' me like dat ain't funny. Didn't yer parents never tell you 'bout da mook who cried Bat?
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Jun 6, 2023 05:22
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Poison Ivy is going to pay us to destroy the WayneChem R&D labs because they've got a new plant-based fuel alternative that will lessen our dependence on non-renewable energy. She's doing it because it's going to involve plants. I'm doing it because liberals like Wayne don't understand that the green energy movement creates more waste and higher fuel and food costs than nuclear, oil, coal, and natural gas. Don't worry guys, we're roll coal once we get inside the city limits. Haven't you been listening to those Alex Jones shows I sent you. Like 70% of the cops and the Batman are on our side.
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Jun 6, 2023 05:38
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JediTalentAgent posted:Don't worry guys, we're roll coal once we get inside the city limits. Haven't you been listening to those Alex Jones shows I sent you. Like 70% of the cops and the Batman are on our side. I ain't rollin' no coal. I's a self-respectin' professional, not some wacky yahoo from a kids' cartoon. Now get serious an' help me install this race car engine an' these rocket launchers into this ice cream van.
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Jun 6, 2023 06:30
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bats was always kind ostentatious but I think he's given up the notion of stealth and surprise entirely. last night we were unloading the gas, you know how it is. bats drove up in his bar car to bust up our operation, only we'd cleared off minutes before he showed up. driving around in that big stupid bat car with desantis 2024 make america florida flags flapping off both sides and blaring kid rock at bat decibels makes it pretty easy to tell when he's coming. curly joe stayed behind so he could tell us when bats left, says bats got out of the bat car, no shirt, just pants(?) and his cowl and cape. he then did karate poses to the kid rock for a few minutes before driving off I think bats might have that covid dementia
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Jun 8, 2023 01:49
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Dats not the bat, its da seagull
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Jun 8, 2023 05:28
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up and comer crime boss maggotman will soon be ruling the streets. no one will want to touch him, let alone punch him. his henchmen got some resolve too, cover themselves in live slugs. robin hand me the bat salts uhhh... batman we boofed the last of those 3 days ago
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Jun 8, 2023 05:47
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https://youtu.be/3mSBwNkL3uw
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Jun 10, 2023 01:03
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Alright ya goofs, remember ta keep making funny faces in all the mugshots, big J gives ya a pass for getting caught if ya make him laugh
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Oct 17, 2023 18:57
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Was any of yous guys working in the abandoned Laff-O Toy Factory from October of 2013 through November of 2018? If so, yous may be eligible for a class action lawsuit against The Joker and Harley Quinn. It was discovered that "dangerous high levels" of absestos was in all da freakin' walls o' the place, along with trace amounts of lead paint. If yous has experienced: Headaches Loss o' hair Rashes Loss o' eyesight or total blindness Erectile dysfunction Mood swings Dizziness or faintin' Then you are eligible. The Joker and Harley, that crazy dame, were found negligent in cleaning up their place o' business and all affected goons, molls, and heavies are liable to a large cash settlement. Call today to find out if yous is also eligible. 1-800-555-GOON
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Oct 17, 2023 19:04
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Okay, explain to me how Harley Quinn became a hero, again, and is teaming up with the Bat all the time? The Bat?! My brother robbed a liquor store one night, no gun, just ran in and grabbed the cash from the register and ran, and 3 months later he's just minding his business in an all-night diner and on the way out the Bat snatches him up, beats a confession out of him, and then drops him off at the cops for that liquor store job. He's getting out by X-Mas, though. Harley Quinn beat the poo poo out of a bunch of people, blew up buildings, killed at least 5 guys that I saw, sexually harrassed everyone, drugged up a bunch of people at city hall, kidnapped a celebrity and took blackmail photos... My dad worked with Eel O'Brien for a while, and the stories he told me about him, I'm not shocked they let Harley into the JLA.
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Oct 17, 2023 19:25
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A Fancy Hat posted:Was any of yous guys working in the abandoned Laff-O Toy Factory from October of 2013 through November of 2018? If so, yous may be eligible for a class action lawsuit against The Joker and Harley Quinn. yo what if I got the opposite problems because ever since I fell in that vat of chemicals I got super hairy, a non-stop chub, an’ I can see through walls
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Oct 17, 2023 19:48
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naem posted:yo what if I got the opposite problems because ever since I fell in that vat of chemicals I got super hairy, a non-stop chub, an’ I can see through walls time ta call yerself 'the bigfoot' and get a costume, cuz yer hairy and ya know what they say about people with big feet
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Oct 17, 2023 20:05
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Workin' for Mr Freeze is the pits. Its always freezin in heah! I'm gonna put some feelers out to the Riddler's crew.
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Oct 17, 2023 20:18
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Don't work for Clock King. Mother fucker expects me to fill out a time card in 5 minute increments.
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Oct 17, 2023 20:33
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Calendar Man is worse, he makes you work every holiday!
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Oct 17, 2023 21:02
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Fornax Disaster posted:Calendar Man is worse, he makes you work every holiday! I thought that meant I could work two jobs, but scarecrow did not like me missing a shift on Halloween
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Oct 17, 2023 21:15
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Just claim the Bat broke your collarbone the week before, do I gotta spell it out every time
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Oct 17, 2023 21:48
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ikanreed posted:Don't work for Clock King. Mother fucker expects me to fill out a time card in 5 minute increments. Fornax Disaster posted:Calendar Man is worse, he makes you work every holiday! Pfft, you guys got it easy. Try working for Onomatopoeia sometime. Asked him for a day off and all I got was him saying "Eyeroll".
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Oct 17, 2023 22:00
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JediTalentAgent posted:Okay, explain to me how Harley Quinn became a hero, again, and is teaming up with the Bat all the time? They're fuckin'. Well that or she's kinda super and Joker eventually pissed her off so bad that she turned on him for good and then dodged all his attempts to murder her, so the Bat decided hey enemy of my enemy who's shown skill at not getting acid flowered was worth recruiting. ....nah, they're totes fuckin'. And before you bring up the Robins, Bat is an utter freak, him swinging both ways up and down the age range would be one of the more normal things he could be into.
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Oct 18, 2023 11:29
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naem posted:yo what if I got the opposite problems because ever since I fell in that vat of chemicals I got super hairy, a non-stop chub, an’ I can see through walls The non-stop chub's from you lookin' through da walls all da time.
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Oct 18, 2023 15:12
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You guys really gotta get in with some of the more obscure villains. Magpie has a drat 401(k) plan somehow and half the time Batman don't even bother us, he's chasing after Riddler or Joker or whatever. My sister started doing graphic design for Signalman, if you can believe it. Very competitive salary.
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Oct 18, 2023 15:23
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A Fancy Hat posted:You guys really gotta get in with some of the more obscure villains. Magpie has a drat 401(k) plan somehow and half the time Batman don't even bother us, he's chasing after Riddler or Joker or whatever. My sister started doing graphic design for Signalman, if you can believe it. Very competitive salary. Does he offer Health Insurance? Ever since Bats beat the poo poo out of me, I've had back issues, but can't afford regular physical therapy.
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Oct 18, 2023 15:24
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A Fancy Hat posted:You guys really gotta get in with some of the more obscure villains. Magpie has a drat 401(k) plan somehow and half the time Batman don't even bother us, he's chasing after Riddler or Joker or whatever. My sister started doing graphic design for Signalman, if you can believe it. Very competitive salary. Yeah but ya gotta be careful about that. I was working with this new villian. Uuytovow man. Anyway, we kept on asking him what a Uuytovow is, what does it mean, and he would keep telling us all difference things. He was clearly just making it up on the spot. Every day of the week he'd change what it meant and change how we needed to dress and what we needed to do to be in his crew. one day we'd all be in gorilla suits and we'd have to go around stealing news papers, the next dressing up as puppets and we couldn't say any words with the letter e. It was exhausting. I last like two weeks and then just couldn't any more. Anyway I hear the last time they put hm back in Arkham they got him on some new meds, and got a good therapist for him and he's doing a lot better now. Ya know people always bad mouth Arkham cos of the constant break outs and everything, but I dunno, sometimes they do a good job ya know.
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Oct 18, 2023 15:34
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Calculator's a weird guy to work for, but on the plus side I've never once had any problems with my paychecks, deductions, or taxes. The only downside is it's impossible to do even a tiny bit of embezzling around him. He gets that poo poo figured out, right down to the last penny.
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Oct 18, 2023 17:02
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Also DO NOT give him a calculator for his birthday. It was a nice one too, we weren't joking or nothin', we just thought he'd like it. 
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Oct 18, 2023 17:09
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naem posted:yo what if I got the opposite problems because ever since I fell in that vat of chemicals I got super hairy, a non-stop chub, an’ I can see through walls you became Bueno Excellente ?!
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Oct 18, 2023 17:34
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Binary Badger posted:you became Bueno Excellente ?! Abilities Intimidation: Bueno Excellente's only real "heroic" ability is to scare people with the threat and act of sexual assault. Notes: Bueno Excellente is described as a "pervert," but is more accurately a rapist. https://dc.fandom.com/wiki/Bueno_Excellente_(New_Earth) Hey, call me a picky jobseeker, but I'm gonna pass.
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Oct 18, 2023 19:02
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Y'know I used to like musical theater till I started workin for the Music Meister. He's got us working 14 hour days practicin this insane musical number for when we sabotage the Tony Awards. This is real groundbreaking stuff though. He probably woulda won the Tony if he weren't trying to steal it. I gotta see if Lin Manuel Miranda is hiring. Now THAT guy's evil.
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Oct 19, 2023 05:45
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I don't know what I was thinking taking a thugging gig with tyrant man. he's a real tyrant. then again, were I a smarter guy I guess I woulda done better in school and gotten a bs in computer science and not an associates degree in thuggery studies
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Oct 19, 2023 06:04
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*thugs tabulate the data on all the batman conflicts over the past two decades, realize that the center of all bat activity is wayne manor, and determine long time wayne manor groundskeeper chauncey gardener to be batman*
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Oct 19, 2023 06:11
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| # ? Jun 7, 2024 16:52 |
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Chauncey, wait isn't he like 80's??? Well jezze can't say I don't feel a little bad gettin beat up by a bat dressin 80 year old all those time.
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Oct 19, 2023 06:42
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