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really wanting some porn and realizing the closet thing you have is a copy of simon hanselmann's lingerie witches |
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Oct 18, 2023 02:40
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kids growing up with the only titillating material available being the opening scenes of horror b-movies, and now unable to get aroused unless they have the knife-wielding mannequin next to the bed. |
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Oct 18, 2023 05:38
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Jason Vorhees stoned out his loving gourd ambling about trying to home alone it through his next sequel, but his constant giggling keeps alerting the camp guards. |
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Oct 19, 2023 07:08
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ch ch ch ch *extreme shaggy voice* ha ha ha ha FreshCutFries fucked around with this message at 08:37 on Oct 19, 2023 |
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Oct 19, 2023 08:09
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FreshCutFries posted:ch ch ch ch Lol |
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Oct 19, 2023 18:57
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So close, no matter how fart Couldn't be much more from the heart Accuracy in rhyming is extremely important. |
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Oct 19, 2023 19:02
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app for freelance auditing jobs called AudJobs |
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Oct 20, 2023 19:49
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deep dish peat moss posted:app for freelance auditing jobs called AudJobs throwing a green visor through a bust to reveal a pile of unaccounted receipts
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Oct 20, 2023 20:22
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[serious discussion] Is the Pillsbury Doughboy a pokemon? |
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Oct 22, 2023 01:10
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On a planet with a strict system of nominative determinism, a mother names her daughter Xel Tul Non, which means in their language "she whose name will not determine her future". Think about it. |
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Oct 22, 2023 16:20
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*dies instantly* |
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Oct 22, 2023 17:10
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mad scientist unveils the ultimate life form: an ostrich with a VR headset so it thinks it's an underground mole, leaving it's full force unbridled by fear
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Oct 22, 2023 20:33
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oh my god it would have the power of a regular seagull |
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Oct 22, 2023 23:26
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imaging a world where ostriches are as pigeons. and how like pigeons will only take flight as a last resort, ostriches amble casually away from dangers and will only run in extreme happenstance |
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Oct 23, 2023 00:39
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So, literally the plot of Jurassic World except with modern day raptors |
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Oct 23, 2023 01:17
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alright I'll settle for pidgeon-sized ostriches but they actively hunt for human ankles and reproduce exponentially, doctor
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Oct 23, 2023 02:24
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Oh wait, jokes that are good, my mistake. I couldn't tell if it was jokes that are sood, jokes that are about food, jokes that have 'tude, or jokes from Mr. Rogers' 'hood. Mine covered all of these to be on the safe side but it certainly wasn't good. Bright Bart fucked around with this message at 14:19 on Oct 23, 2023 |
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Oct 23, 2023 13:33
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instead of newton balls on a boss' desk, a pair of little cat figures on a vet's desk retching back and forth at each other's cat breath
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Oct 25, 2023 04:08
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The anime opening for Bohemian Rhapsody. |
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Oct 26, 2023 14:29
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suck up the savings at discount dracula's warehouse this halloween weekend ah ah ah IGOR! Pull the skid!
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Oct 27, 2023 00:33
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prog rock truther with a rush did 911 bumper sticker |
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Oct 27, 2023 01:48
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The Voice of Labor posted:prog rock truther with a rush did 911 bumper sticker lol
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Oct 27, 2023 04:21
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Rappers wearing chains that have a pendant of their own face on the end is *a thing*. Maybe somebody has a chain of them wearing another, smaller chain of their face. But nobody has taken it to the pinnacle of coolness, which is having different medallions for different occasions. So when something impressive or shocking happens they can make the pikachu face and, without looking down, quickly swap out the medallion with one making the same expression. |
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Oct 27, 2023 14:15
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The goal is to swap out your opponent's pendant when they're not looking, to like snoop doge, or mr rogers |
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Oct 27, 2023 18:10
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Bright Bart posted:Rappers wearing chains that have a pendant of their own face on the end is *a thing*. Maybe somebody has a chain of them wearing another, smaller chain of their face. the chain pendant has a screen livestreaming their face from a camera dangling like an anglerfish esca off their head The Voice of Labor posted:prog rock truther with a rush did 911 bumper sticker also 
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Oct 27, 2023 18:42
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Silent Hill Prop 302 Passes, Approves City's Plan to Kill Pyramid Head With Tank 10/27/23 - Douglas Brenneman SILENT HILL, ME - Residents in the township of Silent Hill, Maine have approved Proposition 302, with 87% voting Yes on the city's plan to get a tank from the Army and kill Pyramid Head with it. The plan is the latest in a series of attempts by the city council to rid the town of Pyramid Head, an enigmatic wandering revenant who drags around a gigantic rusty knife, and is widely theorized to represent the themes of guilt, punishment, regret, and violent sexual frustration. The long-suffering town largely believes that Pyramid Head is responsible for a number of its most pressing problems, such as where is everyone, what's with this place, those disturbing creatures, and other issues common among communities located within the US-Nightmare border region. The city's residents also blame Pyramid Head for several of its public infrastructure woes. Many of the roads in and around town are either collapsed into a bottomless void, barricaded with high concrete walls, covered in rubble, or otherwise inaccessible, making normal daily operation of the city challenging. Public buildings have also been affected by poor maintenance, with a recent report finding that over 70% of the doors in Alchemilla Hospital were inoperable, leaving many of the facility's rooms totally inaccessible. "The lock is broken. I can't open the door," said one resident who declined to be named. A previous referendum last March approved Proposition 190, a plan for the Silent Hill Police Dept. to shoot Pyramid Head with a rocket launcher. The plan was carried out, but the rocket failed to kill Pyramid Head, and the ensuing boss fight resulted in the deaths of two police officers, and injuries to five others. The stray rocket also caused damage to the city's water pumping station. Pyramid Head's rampage eventually ceased when a nearby civilian realized he needed to forgive himself for the accidental death of his cat while away at college. By killing Pyramid Head with an M1A2 SEPv2 Abrams main battle tank, the city hopes to lift the curse of creeping dread that has blanketed the town for as long as anyone remembers, growing the local economy and attracting new businesses to open and thrive, as well as improving the town's image. "I have been emailing back and forth with Panera Bread since 2008," said Mayor Sam Bartlett. "I campaigned on that Panera and I know we're all dying to get it. But the whole thing is stalled up because the people they send to meet with us get lost in the malevolent fog, and it's the same with [Cheesecake Factory] and everyone else. It's really unfortunate because I've been to the one over in South Ashfield and I love the broccoli cheddar soup. But even if the town lets you leave, Ashfield's a pretty long drive." Under the newly-approved plan, the city will enlist the help of the Maine Army National Guard's 286th Combat Sustainment Support Battalion, who will handle the logistical challenges of bringing the tank, which weighs over 70 tons, into town. To avoid the problem of all the roads being either collapsed or mysteriously barricaded, the tank and its crew, as well as a platoon of mechanics, support specialists, and infantry, will be flown in from Bangor, ME by a pair of CH-47 Chinook heavy cargo helicopters and placed in the middle of town near Central Square Mall. Using its cutting-edge night vision optics, the tank will locate Pyramid Head and blow him all to ribbons and shits with an impressive array of powerful weaponry, ranging from small 7.62mm machine guns, to the massive computer-targeted M256 120mm main gun. The National Guard has pre-emptively agreed to the plan and reaffirmed its commitment to providing Silent Hill with material support in its time of need. A National Guard spokesperson expressed confidence that they could kill Pyramid Head this time. "National Guard leadership regrets that the AT4 was unable to defeat Pyramid Head back in March," said 1st Sgt. Piper Meadows of the 286th CSSB. "If we had known that there could be two of him sometimes, we would have sent more of them." First Sgt. Meadows continued: "But without exaggeration, the Abrams is the best tank in the world. It has protected American soldiers for decades, and its might has been proven on battlefields around the world. Whatever Pyramid Head is, or how many of him there are, he doesn't stand a chance against this army or its Abrams." Though all public resolutions to deal with Pyramid Head have so far passed with an overwhelming majority, the decision overall is not without controversy. Members of a local new religious movement calling itself "the Order" have strongly voiced opposition to killing Pyramid Head, citing his significance as a figure in their religious beliefs. "The world is teeming with impurity and filth, but we hasten and bear witness to the birth of God," said Sister Claudia Wolfe, a member of the Order. "And God will create Paradise. We must find Alessa, her...new vessel. Come now, the fated hour draws near and time is short. Let us preponderate unto the Ritual of Assumption." The Order, a religious movement which combines Christian imagery with the bloody worship of Stygian anti-gods, is deeply rooted in the town's early colonial history, and dates back to at least the 1690s. Members are few in number, but their protests have become a fixture in the dilapidated lobby of city hall ever since Mayor Bartlett defeated Dr. Michael Kaufman, a local psychiatrist and Order member, in the 2008 mayoral election. In addition to opposing the killing of Pyramid Head, the Order has made numerous other demands of the city council, including: -Remove Mayor Bartlett from office and replace him with Pyramid Head. -Arrest several individuals currently residing in other towns. -Burn the demon child Alessa to pacify the spirits of the damned. -Install public displays of weird occult sigils on all government-owned public buildings. -Burn down Midwich Elementary School. -Transfer all children in town to the care of Wish House Orphanage. -Expel all three of the town's Happy Burger restaurant locations. -Revise the city building codes to remove restrictions on bottomless voids and rusty pipes going nowhere. -Allocate $1 million to fund "the Mass Metatronic Transubstantial Apoptotheosis of Mankind," the meaning of which has not been sufficiently clarified at press time. Controversy played out in real time following the vote as many Silent Hill residents took to social media to express their opinions and debate the decision. A user called @MonsterBae3922 tweeted: "no kill pyramid head." Another user, @philipkdickhead917284803 responded: "all oposed [sic] want his dick." User @adsk4 added: "I wish I hadn't designed fxxkin [sic] Pyramid Head...I don't tweet the reason." Residents of the nearby Penobscot Indian Island Reservation have also weighed in on the matter, reaching out directly to the Silent Hill Gazette. "You people should never have gone near that place," wrote Bill Francis, a middle school teacher, in an email. "The Penobscot Nation has many generations of oral tradition warning of the bad spirits that inhabit the area around Toluca Lake. We could have told you that you cannot kill Wskwamdep or escape from his forest, and now there is nothing anyone can do for you. You must tell everyone to stay away and pray that they listen." Whether the city council will succeed in its plan to kill Pyramid Head with a tank remains to be seen. In the meantime, the Gazette feels the situation is best summarized by a piece of graffiti observed on a Neely Street building, which reads: "There was a rule of law here. It's gone now." Barco Fiesta fucked around with this message at 12:36 on Oct 29, 2023
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Oct 29, 2023 11:31
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New front page dropped! |
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Oct 29, 2023 11:59
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Barco Fiesta posted:Silent Hill Prop 302 Passes, Approves City's Plan to Kill Pyramid Head With Tank Jokes that are good and also developed enough for their own thread
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Oct 29, 2023 17:13
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A television show where the main narrator proposes that structures of comparatively modern creation are the work of ancient aliens, while a second narrator points out how silly this is but is completely ignored: The torre pendente di Pisa, known to us in English as the leaning tower of Pisa. Constructed with materials entirely unknown to humans of the time, it is balanced ideally on very unstable ground. Many scientists suggest that it could only have been the work of ancient aliens. (We have schematics from when it was built. And it's not balanced perfectly. The ground is unstable but that's why without intervention it will fall. Also, who are these scientists?) Let us move on to what is called Mount Rushmore. Four faces, and not one clue as to how it came to be. The work of ancient aliens, perhaps (Uh, we have photographs. Video even. There are many people alive today who remember it being being finished.) Some claim that the faces resemble those of four of the most important politicians in US history. This begs the question: are we seeing what we want to see? Or could an advanced interstellar race with the ability to perceive the fourth dimension have predicted the fates of four persons not yet born? (What the f*ck are you even talking about?) |
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Oct 29, 2023 18:28
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Alternatively, a show where works of 19th and early 20th century art are presented with accurate details as to their provenance and creation, taking into account the latest art history scholarship. But then at the very end of each segment the question is asked "Could this masterpiece too have been the work of ancient aliens?" |
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Oct 29, 2023 18:30
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Bright Bart posted:A television show where the main narrator proposes that structures of comparatively modern creation are the work of ancient aliens, while a second narrator points out how silly this is but is completely ignored: The enigmatic McDonalds Playplace of Mt. Carmel, Illinois, discovered in 2012, but theorized to date back to as early as the late 1990s, is comprised of a number of perfectly round and smooth tube-like structures. Could this be the work of human engineers, or was this precise construction only possible with the advanced technologies of extraterrestrials? We may never know.
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Oct 29, 2023 21:32
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At first glance this may appear to be an ordinary pillow fort. However, scientific analysis of the makeup of the couch cushions used in its construction reveal that it originates not from the living room couch, as previously assumed, but from Bill's Home Decor, and from there it has been traced back to a factory literally hundreds of miles way. No one knows how such heavy blocks of foam wrapped in stained brown corduroy fabric were moved from their point of origin to be arranged in this pattern in front of the TV, but it would require technology previously thought inaccessible to five-year-olds. Could little Tyler have received assistance from some visitors from beyond our solar system? It seems likely. (Sir, we've received another complaint from the home owners. You're violating your restraining order.) |
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Oct 29, 2023 22:34
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 INT. SCENE: Jerry's Apartment, 2077 GEORGE I'm telling you Jerry, my life is really over this time. JERRY What now? GEORGE You remember that woman I told you about, K3ik0? JERRY The NetRunner? GEORGE Yeah, Maitreya K3ik0, the NetRunner. JERRY What about her? GEORGE She thinks I'm chromed out. JERRY (Scoffing) You don't have any chrome. GEORGE I don't even have a beeper, Jer. JERRY Not even a beeper. (KRAMER enters) JERRY & GEORGE Hey, Kramer. KRAMER (Preparing cereal in the kitchen) Howdy howdy. JERRY So why does she think you have chrome? GEORGE (Hesitating) Well I er... JERRY You didn't. GEORGE I did. JERRY You embellished your resume? GEORGE (Shamefully) I'm afraid so. JERRY She didn't figure it out from looking at you? GEORGE We've only been to her NET architecture for dates. JERRY So she's never seen you in person? GEORGE She will this Friday. She pressured me into signing up for Ninja Warrior 77 in Little Shibuya. JERRY Yeah, you're definitely not doing that. GEORGE Not unless I get chromed out in the next 72 hours. KRAMER I can get you chromed out. JERRY (Rolling eyes) Here we go. GEORGE (Hopefully) What? You can? Oh my God Kramer, that's amazing! How? KRAMER Well you remember my choom, Bob Sacamano-323-Delta? Well he ordered a new refrigerator, but the courier AIs, they screwed up big time and sent Bob a crate full of Sandevistans. GEORGE Are they good? KRAMER Militech Apogees. The best. The creme de la creme. GEORGE Do you have one? KRAMER Oh no, no, no. My body's a temple, all natural baby. That junk will mess you up and send you straight to toon town. JERRY (Pouring juice in the kitchen) Ah yes Toon Town, are you still the mayor over there? GEORGE Okay, well how much for one? KRAMER 250,000 Eddies. GEORGE What? 250 grand? That's insane! Who even has that kind of money? KRAMER (Sounding street-wise) Well Georgey, this is military-grade stuff we're talkin' about here. What, do you think we're selling dirty Zetatech rigs to boostergangs? GEORGE Alright, alright. How soon can I get it done? Ninja Warrior is on Friday. KRAMER Let me call Bob. (KRAMER exits) JERRY You sure this is a good idea? I mean, you're not in great shape. GEORGE What am I supposed to do, tell this woman the truth about myself? JERRY Yeah, that's a fair point.
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Oct 30, 2023 08:26
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Oh my god, these are very good. |
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Oct 30, 2023 10:42
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Why is there a steaming pile of poo in the Hershey logo? |
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Oct 30, 2023 12:00
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Karate Bastard posted:Why is there a steaming pile of poo in the Hershey logo? Just the African farming gods showing their approval. |
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Oct 30, 2023 12:32
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all prepackaged food has a big warning like a pack of cigarettes with a picture of a huge steaming pile of poo poo and it says "THIS WILL MAKE YOU poo poo"
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Oct 30, 2023 15:04
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Lol. The required disclaimers regarding amount and quality of said poo poo Suing after I eat something thinking it'll make a cool looking poo for a prank and it's just one of my normals |
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Oct 30, 2023 17:44
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a little meter going from "mouse" to "bog standard" to "SO MUCH poo poo  "
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Oct 30, 2023 17:50
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| # ? May 30, 2024 15:03 |
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Karate Bastard posted:Why is there a steaming pile of poo in the Hershey logo? you forgot to remove the foil wrapper |
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Oct 30, 2023 22:31
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