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Flowers For Algeria
Dec 3, 2005

I humbly offer my services as forum inquisitor. There is absolutely no way I would abuse this power in any way.


Jim gives Dwight cauliflower rear end.

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Jimbone Tallshanks
Dec 16, 2005

You can't pull rank on murder.

Jim gives Dwight a border collie

Space Kablooey
May 6, 2009


Jim gives Dwight a border patrol

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Jim starts calling Dwight balloon boy for seemingly no reason. Later that night, a huge balloon shaped like Dwight's head and trailing a noose from its neck appears outside Dwight's bedroom window.

"Haha, very funny, Jim!" Dwight growls as he grabs his shotgun.

Dwight blasts the balloon from point-blank range, bursting it instantly. Shockingly, the balloon lets out a scream as it dies.

"I guess I let the air out of that prank," quips Dwight moments before Dwight's own head explodes.

High above the rooftops of Scranton, Jim's lifeless body dangles by its neck from a balloon shaped like a huge version of Jim's own face. Both the balloon and Jim's corpse appear to be smirking.

-Guest prank by Junji Ito

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim gives Dwight a download code for Starfield

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jiv gimes Dwigt a cpoy fo Mavis Taeches Typomg

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim gives Dwight the video arcade game from The Last Starfighter, and snickers into his sleeve when a giant alien ship appears to carry Dwight away on a thrilling, once-in-a-lifetime adventure.

Flowers For Algeria
Dec 3, 2005

I humbly offer my services as forum inquisitor. There is absolutely no way I would abuse this power in any way.


Jim gives Dwight a hard time.
This takes the form of a grandfather's clock made of concrete (yet still functional), dropped on his (Dwight's) head.

Gatto Grigio
Feb 9, 2020

After reading up that you should get it changed every 30,000 miles, Jim replaces Dwight’s blood with antifreeze.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Jim replaces Dwight's blood with Kramer's blood.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim replaces Dwight with Kramer

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

Jim Kramers into and through Dwight, replacing Dwight's blood with Jim

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim asks Dwight to help him move a heavy box from one side of the office to another, then cartoonishly stretches and yawns while Dwight moves the box himself.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

"Hey Dwight, did you ever think that maybe YOU were a prank?"

Dwight looks at Jim, utterly flummoxed by the bizarre question. How could he be a prank?

"You know, a prank that dreamt it was a man. Maybe I pranked Oscar a decade ago by creating a fake salesman named Dwight Schrute, but the idea was too strong and YOU came into being. Heh, that'd be pretty funny, right?"

Dwight looks down at his hands, then back at a mugging Jim.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Jim's prank Dwight but every time Jim says "balloon boy" the speed increases by 25%.

Upgrade
Jun 19, 2021



After overhearing John Kransinki complaining to his wife Emily Blunt how "the Office couldn't be made today because millenials have ruined comedy because they can't take a joke", Jerry Seinfield decides to reboot the Office with a new wacky manager, Jerry Seinfield, played by Jerry Seinfield. (This takes place at a playground where Emily Blunt and John Kransinski are watching their children play, and Jerry Seinfeld is looking for a new girlfriend, because he dates high schoolers).

Four months later the new show premieres. In the most watched teleivision episode of all time, "fun" new manager Jerry Seinfield transfers in from the Manhattan branch of Dunder Mifflin and teams up with Jim to merciliously prank Dwight. As Jim repeatedly kicks Dwight in the nuts, Jerry monologues about how blackface is actually a compliment.

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim books Rainn Wilson on Jerry Seinfeld’s show “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”. Rainn is miserable the entire time.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


poisonpill posted:

Jim replaces Dwight with Kramer

Waking up in a strange room, on a strange bed awash only in bright red light, Dwight slides out of bed only to realize that his hair is.... fluffier? than usual. Hair won't comb straight, notes Dwight, Telltale sign of a Jim prank. Dwight explores his surroundings and finds his new life strange and a little disquieting. He is evidently now living the life of a slovenly hipster with no job or apparent source of income who somehow keeps an apartment in New York City's Upper West Side. His only source of food is obtained by mooching off his fastidious, whiny neighbor: a stand up comic in this thirties that is dating a high schooler.

Never one to let his circumstances deter him, Dwight sets about fixing this man's life, as though he were in an episode of Quantum Leap. Dwight finds a job, combs his hair, and begins learning from his neighbor the art of stand up comedy. Despite his unease at the neighbor's unnatural relationship with a teen, he learns about working the crowd, and interacting with hecklers.

Dwight turns this man's life around, and gets him a gig at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles. Dwight's wholesome yet universal humor wins over the crowd and his set, now nearly completed, wins thunderous laughter. He has righted the man's life, and feels himself "leaping" out of the body, having solved his ills. However, at the last second, with dawning horror, Dwight realizes that he can see Jim leaping into the body, just as some hecklers start to shout...

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag

poisonpill posted:

Waking up in a strange room, on a strange bed awash only in bright red light, Dwight slides out of bed only to realize that his hair is.... fluffier? than usual. Hair won't comb straight, notes Dwight, Telltale sign of a Jim prank. Dwight explores his surroundings and finds his new life strange and a little disquieting. He is evidently now living the life of a slovenly hipster with no job or apparent source of income who somehow keeps an apartment in New York City's Upper West Side. His only source of food is obtained by mooching off his fastidious, whiny neighbor: a stand up comic in this thirties that is dating a high schooler.

Never one to let his circumstances deter him, Dwight sets about fixing this man's life, as though he were in an episode of Quantum Leap. Dwight finds a job, combs his hair, and begins learning from his neighbor the art of stand up comedy. Despite his unease at the neighbor's unnatural relationship with a teen, he learns about working the crowd, and interacting with hecklers.

Dwight turns this man's life around, and gets him a gig at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles. Dwight's wholesome yet universal humor wins over the crowd and his set, now nearly completed, wins thunderous laughter. He has righted the man's life, and feels himself "leaping" out of the body, having solved his ills. However, at the last second, with dawning horror, Dwight realizes that he can see Jim leaping into the body, just as some hecklers start to shout...

Lmao

Erasable Penis
Aug 7, 2013
Hung over on a Tuesday morning after a particularly bad day at work (Valentine's day, Jim brought a Rafflesia to the office as a prank on Dwight who had a PTO) Pam has an epiphany: revenge. On Jim for screwing up her life. She will destroy the only thing important to him. She will do fun pranks for Pam to play on Dwight. Much more fun pranks.

So when Jim shakes Dwight's hand with a joy buzzer, Pam wires Dwight's keyboard to the 110V line. When Jim replaces Dwight's sandwich with brick, Pam puts strychnine in his coffee. When Jim encases Dwight's stapler in jello, Pam does the same with Mose.

The whole situation cumulates when both Jim and Pam are winding up to kick Dwight in the balls at the same time. As they do their eyes lock. They kick once, twice, thrice never averting their gaze from each other. Then they are overcome with passion and start to make out right here and then as Dwight curls up in pain and vomits.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dwight and his friend Rolf are hiking Mt. Scranton, braving the blizzard-like snowfall and subzero temperatures, when they notice what looks like a human body laying next to a rock. Rolf rushes over there and lets out a yell towards Dwight, barely audible over the howling wind.

"DWIGHT! There's somebody here! But he's still alive!"

Dwight rushes over and, to his horror, sees that it's Jim. Nude, except for a pair of red hiking boots, Jim slowly rolls his eyes around their sockets and looks at Dwight.

"H-hey, Balloon B-b-boy. Funnny meeting y-y-you here, huh?"

Dwight and Rolf collect Jim, wrap him in a spare sleeping bag, and begin heading back down the mountain. As they do, Dwight asks just how the hell Jim ended up here in the nude.

"You wouldn't believe it. I was meeting with the Pranksters of America's Scranton Branch when one of the guys led me up here and said he had a surprise. Well, egg on my face, turns out that was a prank. Can you believe it? Hey, I'm still kinda cold, any chance you can spare that jacket or something?"

Dwight hands Jim his scarf but dares not remove his jacket - it's now dangerously cold and Dwight knows that at least one of them has to stay healthy to make it down the mountain in one piece. The snow picks up in intensity and soon the 3 men find it difficult to keep traversing the mountain. Rolf suggests they move towards a nearby emergency cabin that he has marked on the map.

"Good idea. See, Dwight? This guy gets it," Jim says with a smile. "Hey, Rolf, can I get some of your clothes? I'm freezing my balls off here, pal."

Rolf hands over his jacket. After all, it's just a little further to the cabin. Jim thanks him, then mugs at Dwight.

Three hours later the cabin is no closer and Jim's silver tongue has convinced Rolf to strip down to his underwear and boots. Jim, now fully outfitted for the journey, keeps egging him on.

"You know, Rolf, Dwight always says you're his sidekick but I don't think that's true at all. Nah, I think HE'S the sidekick. After all, you're the one leading us to the cabin."

Rolf, deep down, does sometimes feel like a side character in his own life. HIs own story is nowhere near as exciting at Dwight's and he only seems to occasionally have these moments of excitement. Maybe this Jim guy isn't so bad?

The sun begins to set and the mix of fear and extreme cold have slowly driven Rolf mad. Jim lets out a theatrical yawn.

"Jeez, maybe you ARE the sidekick after all. Can't even find a dang cabin before the sun sets."

Rolf lets out a howl of frustration then runs off into the blizzard before Dwight can stop him. Jim mugs at Dwight, again, then asks if Dwight knows where "this drat cabin" is. Worried for his friend, Dwight leads Jim through a terrifying blizzard and, mercifully, finds the cabin almost an hour later. Sadly, Rolf is found frozen to death mere feet from the entrance.

"Heh, ice to meet you," Jim chuckles. "Sorry, I know he was your friend. This must be very difficult for you, Dwight."

Dwight vows to give Rolf a proper burial later, instead focusing on getting into the cabin and keeping himself (and Jim) safe overnight. He lights the fireplace and instantly feels warmth begin to build. They're going to be okay. Jim's skull-like face is illuminated by the dancing flame. He wears an expression of coldness, as if he's miles away right now.

"Hey, Dwight. I kinda lied before. About how I got up here."

A log cracks in the fireplace, almost as if on cue. Dark shadows flit across Jim's face.

"I mean, I was meeting with the Pranksters of America, but they didn't prank me. How could they? I'm Jim. But I pranked them. I led them all up here and let them freeze to death. But I got kind of... turned around, I guess, and ended up where you found me. I think you're pretty turned around now, too, right? Wonder if you'll be able to make your way down the mountain in the morning? Heh. Wonder if you'll make it TO the morning at this rate."

Dwight grasps the ice pick in his hand a little tighter, ready for Jim to rush at him. But Jim just slowly closes his eyes and falls asleep. Dwight does not sleep through the entire night, simply watching Jim.

As the run rises, Dwight readies himself to go down the mountain, prepared to leave Jim behind. But Jim wakes up, stretches, and then asks what Dwight's making for breakfast.

"Just kidding. I know we're going back down. You can take me to IHOP when we're back in Scranton."

Dwight says that Jim's on his own, he's free to follow Dwight but Dwight won't be doing anything to help Jim, either. In fact, Jim can expect the authorities to get involved as soon as possible, as Dwight has Jim's confession from last night. Jim smiles.

"Oh? And what evidence, Dwight? And before you say that little Rolf-cicle outside, you might wanna look out the window."

Dwight does. Rolf's body is gone. Not covered in snow or anything like that. Gone.

"The cold's making you say crazy things, Dwight. See things that aren't there. Buddy, you're loving loopy. You drag me up here as part of some weird 'sales conference' bullshit, you take me to this cabin, and then you make a pass at me. I rebuke you, suddenly you start talking about Rolf being dead outside. Get some loving therapy, Dwight. I did, and look at me now! I'm back with Pam, we just had a Disney wedding, and we're getting ready to remodel the kitchen!"

Dwight finally releases his death grip on his ice pick. Maybe the weather is messing with him, because that's not at all how he remembers things going. He vows to head down the mountain right now, as fast as possible, with Jim in tow. He can figure things out later. He grabs Jim, hoists him over his shoulder, and practically runs down the mountain. As they approach the bottom, Dwight sees the sun glittering in a beautiful, icy cave.

"Hey, that's where I put the bodies of all those pranksters, Dwight. Wanna see?"

Dwight asks Jim what the hell he just said. Jim smiles.

"I said, your loving armpits smell terrible, take a goddamn shower when you get home."

Dwight doubles down and mercifully reaches the bottom of the mountain, then heads to a hospital to get checked out. After a night's stay, he gets a clean bill of health and Angela happily welcomes him back home. Dwight is relaxing by the radio when a new report comes across.

"No news on the 15 prank enthusiasts who went missing several days ago. Experts believe that the pranksters may have been the victim of a prank themselves, or perhaps accidentally pranked themselves to death. Police are asking anyone with information to please step forward."

Dwight sits bolt upright in his chair, his heart racing. He grabs his cell phone and calls Rolf, now suddenly very concerned for his safety. There's a click on the other end of the line and Dwight thanks Rolf for picking up, letting out a deluge of emotions and explaining that he was scared for the safety of his friend.

"Awwww," comes the mocking voice of Jim, "that's cute. I'm sure it warms Rolf's icy little heart."

Jim hangs up the phone, leaving Dwight alone.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim doesn’t vote, falsely claiming that it’s his “way of observing Veteran’s Day.”

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Jim votes a straight Clown Party ticket.

Erasable Penis
Aug 7, 2013
Abusing the powers he was granted we Scranton's elected official dog catcher he diverts funds and media attention to ensure that the clown party has a supermajority in Pennsylvania state legislative.

Jim mugs the camera as clown patrols roam the streets of Scranton.

Flowers For Algeria
Dec 3, 2005

I humbly offer my services as forum inquisitor. There is absolutely no way I would abuse this power in any way.


"Happy birthday, Dwight!" the whole Office entones as Dwight enters the working space. The place has been tastefully redecorated by the Party Planning Committee, and a pile of presents sits in the middle of the room.

"The big four-oh !" exclaims Michael. "A once in a lifetime occasion!"

Dwight smiles and doesn't bother to remark that that's technically true of all birthdays. He fondly looks at his colleagues: Andy is singing and capering around the place, Meredith is taking a swig from a flask of some sort, Stanley is softly humming, looking content.

"Well, Birthday Boy, aren'tcha going to open your presents? This one's from... Oscar!"

Dwight grabs the package Jim has lobbed at him and tears the paper off. Inside is a tasteful midseason jacket that will come in handy in the fall.

"Oscar! Thank you, that's very thoughtful."

"My pleasure, Dwight! Happy birthday, man!" answers Oscar.

"Come on! Let's see what's next! This one's from Phyllis. Oof, not gonna throw this one at you!"

Jim seems to be very excited about it all. He's like this every time there's a birthday party at the office, Dwight reflects, perhaps because he hasn't had many birthday celebrations as a child.

Phyllis' gift turns out to be a nice sturdy shovel he will definitely be using at the farm. Creed has gifted him a collection of pens, "stolen from all the best palaces around Greater Scranton". Soon, only one package is left.

"And this one's from me, Birthday Boy..." There is a bit of apprehension in Jim's voice, as if he's not sure that his gift will be good enough for Dwight. Dwight grabs the box and opens it.

"Gott in Himmel..."

Inside is a genuine Black Forest cuckoo clock, artfully hand-carved and lovingly painted. The design is not at all garish or gaudy, like some more modern creations. It has a rotating scene depicting a 19th century Swabian marketplace, a few wooden birds around the face of the clock, and enamel inserts here and there that remind Dwight of the snow. A faint tick-tock is emanating from the clock.

"This is beautiful, a very thoughtful gift. Thank you very much, Jim."

Jim beams at the praise. "It even has the little bird, ya know, that goes 'cuckoo, cuckoo', but you can turn off the sound if it's too much for you."

"Well, let's see the bird, then," suggests Meredith.

"That's what she said!" screams a highly energized Michael.

Dwight smiles again at everyone's antics. He delicately turns the hands on the clock. There's a faint click, and the cuckoo trap opens. A giant boxing glove on a spring comes out with a "sproïng" sound effect, hitting Dwight square in the face.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Dwight, who is now “Quantum Leaping” through other bodies as a result of Jim’s pranks, lands in the body of an Indian-American bureaucrat living in Pawnee, Indiana. He finds that the person he now inhabits used to be a sarcastic underachiever that didn’t really care for his job. Slowly, Dwight uses his entrepreneurial talents to open new businesses for this man, ultimately allowing him the freedom to quit and run his own businesses full time.

Although the person Dwight has been helping has no apparent writing or comedy talents himself, Dwight is somehow able to publish a book and film a standup special (both about modern romance, a topic Dwight knows much about). Finally, he lands a date with a reporter from the local zine “Bitch.net”, and as the date begins, Dwight’s work done, he starts to leap out of the body. But once again, as he leaves, in the last second, he sees the mugging face of Jim in a flash of light, leaping into the man he just left…

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Dwight opens up his cupboards and discovers holes gnawed in all his oatmeal and cereal boxes. Tiny red tennis shoes are littered about in the corners, leaving Dwight no doubt as to the culprits: Tiny Jims.

Dwight concocts a plan to strike back against the Tiny Jims. He will sow discord in their ranks by introducing an unstable new element into their society.

Dwight labors for weeks in his barn, drawing on all the knowledge of prankomancy he's gleaned from Jim over the years. After all, you don't get pranked every day for more than a decade without picking up a thing or two.

Finally the loathsome homunculus is complete. Dwight has created a female Tiny Jim he dubs "Jimette."

Dwight is a little uncomfortable with the trope that women are a source of chaos and irrational behavior, but he knows how the Tiny Jims think. Within a few days of meeting Jimette, the Tiny Jims will be at each others' throats.

Dwight introduces Jimette into the Tiny Jim village and hurries away before he's seen. Soon all his troubles will be over, Dwight thinks...

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim becomes the foley artist for the documentary crew and adds extremely loud squelching noises every time Dwight walks somewhere.

When Jim mugs for the camera, there's an added "boi-yoi-yoing!" sound.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim becomes a professional Mick Foley impersonation artist and continually leaps off of high places onto Dwight with little regard for his own safety.

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
Jim becomes an Axel Foley impersonation artist and shoves bananas up the tailpipe of Dwight's car.

Dwight drives an zero-emissions EV, so the tailpipe is there just for show. In fact, people find it amusing that Dwight drives around like that and he laughs along with them.

In a fit, Jim wrecks the buffet at the Haro Club.

Gatto Grigio
Feb 9, 2020

Jim becomes an Axl Rose impressionist (with Andy as Slash) and invites all of the office except Dwight to reenact the entirety of the Guns N Roses “November Rain” video, even replacing his desk with a grand piano.

Erasable Penis
Aug 7, 2013
The video becomes the biggest hit yet on The Office YouTube channel with 23 views. Michael is so proud that he gives everyone except Dwight an extra day off.

Flowers For Algeria
Dec 3, 2005

I humbly offer my services as forum inquisitor. There is absolutely no way I would abuse this power in any way.


Jim becomes the Crazy Frog version of Axel F: nude except for a white helmet, he runs around the office, pursued by a guided missile (and the murderous glares of his colleagues) and imitating motorcycle sounds while an remixed version of the Beverly Hills Cop theme blares from god only knows where. Eventually, the missile detonates when it hits Dwight in the balls.

Jim mugs at the camera. "Bing bing!" he quips as mushroom cloud rises in the background.

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
Jim reminds Dwight that every single one of those stupid superhero and sci-fi things Dwight likes so much are just celebrations of fascist ideologies. Jim insists that his own beloved Minions are actually a more sophisticated example of a collective group working together to solve problems for the common good in comparison.

Dwight finds himself constantly having Jim's critical words repeating in his head whenever he thinks about watching an episode of BSG or pulling out an old Spider-Man comic. He stares at his vast collection that no longer brings him joy and wonders if Jim's been right to prank him all these years.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim starts calling everyone around the office "Big Guy" except for Dwight, who he starts calling "Little Fella".

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim turns himself into an axle and replaces the rear axle of Dwight’s car with himself. Dwight enters his car after a long day at The Office, excited to go home and play Donkey Kong. As he steps on the accelerator, Axle Jim refuses to turn, rendering the car immobile. Dwight hits the gas harder and harder until Jim finally releases. The Trans Am jolts into motion, uncontrollable, and crashes into a tree. Dwight breaks both arms in the crash, rendering him unable to play Donkey Kong ever again.

Axle Jim mugs for the camera.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim comes into work early (for him (11:00 am, not counting the rollback of daylight savings time)) and heads straight to the kitchen with a little pot and heating plate. Although it’s against the rules to use one in the office, everyone is so sick of Jim’s poo poo that they’re just thankful he’s staying in the kitchen. They all tacitly agree to go to Chile’s for lunch so that nobody has to go near the break room.

Meanwhile, Jim fills the pot with water from the sink, and starts heating it on the hot plate. He hums and pretends to stir, even miming the sprinkling of salt. He pretends to taste the “soup” every so often, then wrinkles his brow. He adds a stone from his pocket to the boiling water, then another. Jim keeps on pretending to chop up carrots, potatoes, and onions, then carefully sliding them into the pot, but it’s still just boiling water with a few pebbles in it.

Jim starts to call out to everyone in the office, “Hey, Kev! Come put your potato chips in my stone soup!” and “Phyllis! Can you add a few of your onion rings? It’ll make my soup so much better!” Everyone ignores Jim, naturally, and the day proceeds blissfully uneventful. Finally, nearing five, Jim has been stirring his “stone soup” for hours now and is looking dejected. He pleas for Dwight, “Dwight? Buddy? Could you add some of your awful disgusting beets to my stone soup, please? I know they stink but this is the only thing I have to eat today.”

The piteous begging softens Dwight’s heart and he takes a few emergency beets out of his desk drawer. Nobody deserves to go hungry, he thinks, even if the only reason they’re hungry is that they spent eight lifetimes of income on pranks while receiving an astonishing salary from a no-show paper sales job that they can’t be fired from. He takes them into the kitchen and looks at the “soup”, by now just bubbling water in a rolling boil on the hot plate.

“Stone soup, eh?” he asks kindly, “It looks almost perfect. Maybe it just needs a few beets for flavor?”

Dwight leans down to sniff the “soup”, but in a single fluid motion, Jim grasps the handle and flings the boiling water into Dwight’s face, then runs off cackling.

Hours later, hiding in the berth of a freight train, Jim’s stomach growls. He wonders if maybe he should have just eaten the drat beets.

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

Dwight, tired from a long day of Jim trying to promote some dietary additive called "Clown Flava", pours himself a delicious glass of sparkling beet-ade from the fridge. However, Dwight is then called away by the ringing of the telephone. The glass is left unattended by an open window, as the camera crew follow Dwight into the hallway.

Having dealt with the call, Dwight returns to the kitchen, ready and willing to drink the entire glass of beet-ade and savour every drop. Just as Dwight approaches the glass again, though, he hears Mose kicking up a storm in the barn. Sighing, Dwight heads out to deal with the ruckus, camera crew in tow, again leaving the drink unattended by the windowsill.

Returning once again, Dwight approaches his drink, dew beading on the side of the glass. Seconds before Dwight is able to grasp it, the doorbell rings. Dwight heads out to check who's calling - it's the girl guides and they're selling cookies, so Dwight purchases a few packages to encourage the guides, reasoning the cookies can be donated to the homeless shelter later. Meanwhile, the glass languishes, unattended and unsupervised.

Dwight returns to the kitchen a final time, ready to enjoy the beverage that has been denied to him. Mortar fire streaks through Dwight's farmstead, blowing up his house and barn, ruining his fields, and incinerating Dwight in a hail of white phosphorus munitions.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


John Krasinski, leveraging his power over NBC, demands many more such scenes, to “desensitize the American public, leading to our glorious next chapter”.

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A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

John Krasinski produces, writes, and directs a sequel to White Men Can't Jump entitled Dwight Men Can't Jump.

Billing it as "elevated horror on the level of A Quiet Place" it concerns a beet farmer named Dwight who finds himself trapped in a 2-dimensional world, unable to move up or down. When several critics note the plot seems like "a weird episode of The Office", John chuckles.

"Yeah, I guess it does, doesn't it? Pretty funny."

The lead actor, despite looking exactly like Rainn Wilson, is uncredited in the film and Rainn insists it's not him on a late night TV interview.

"I won't act in John's films. For, uh, personal reasons. Nothing I'd like to elaborate on right now, there are some pressing legal matters that could be jeopardize if I speak on that subject. Can we talk about global warming now, please?"

The movie is a claustrophobic experience that causes some audience members to have panic attacks, while the unknown lead actor receives amazing praise for his incredibly authentic portrayal of a man thrown into a living nightmare. Awards season begins and he's norminated for best lead actor at the Oscars, despite no one actually knowing for sure who he is. He wins, and John ends up on stage to accept the award on his behalf. John beams a warm smile at the audience, holding the Oscar protectively in his hands.

"Thank you all so much for the recognition. My lead actor, he's a very private man. Which is a very commendable thing these days, believe me. He told me he didn't want to do the movie for the fame or the paycheck, he just wanted to do it for art's sake. And I think this statue right here shows that he achieved his goal. Thank you all, I love you, God bless."

John walks off stage to applause, but an undercurrent of confusion and disappointment. There was still hope that the lead actor might appear tonight, on Hollywood's Biggest Night, to receive his rightful recognition. John sits back down and leans over to Emily Blunt, his wife.

"Hey. How many Oscars do you have again? "

Jim mugs for Emily Blunt, then stands up and heads to the restroom. He makes sure he has the room to himself, then removes a thin piece of glass from his pocket.

"Hey Dwight, how ya doing, flat rear end?"

Inside the glass, Dwight silently screams and bangs his hands against the glass noiselessly. Behind him is an endless void, the same void glimpsed in Dwight Men Can't Jump.

John Krasinski sprinkles a line of cocaine on the glass directly in front of Dwight, then snorts it.

"Ohhhhh gently caress yeah. Yeah, that's the stuff Daddy likes."

John mugs for the mirror and Jim mugs back at him.

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