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John Krasinski, sitting at the front row of the Oscars ceremony and waiting expectantly to tally his first win, suddenly had a disquieting sensation. Although it’s been a long time since he felt the “Cosmic Jim presence”, he recognizes it instantly. He tries to fight it, but he can’t resist. Jim’s eyes roll back for a split second as The Fresh Prince “Quantum Leaps” into John’s body. “And now,” begins Chris Rock, from the stage, “I’ve got a couple jokes about Emily Blunt!”
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Nov 9, 2023 16:13
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| # ? May 29, 2024 20:12 |
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breaking kayfabe itt to post a tour of Rainn Wilson’s house and pet pigs: https://youtu.be/RNjlfo_8u4s?si=rgQ_5MFmXaI5NaT-
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Nov 9, 2023 16:20
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2008-era Reddit Jim breaks into dwight's house and murders his pet pigs, citing a desire for "moar bacon"
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Nov 9, 2023 16:23
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Jim breaks keyfabe during an interview right before his much-anticipated cage match against Dwight. "Yeah Dwight's a great guy, when we were planning out how the match would go we all agreed he really earned the championship," says Jim. Jim mugs for the camera as the audience jeers with disappointment. Dwight still wins the match as planned, but the suspense has been ruined and weeks worth of emotional buildup to the conclusion of Dwight's arc have been completely wasted.
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Nov 9, 2023 16:56
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Jim gets into a brawl at the local 5 Guys Burgers and Fries when he keeps asking for "Freedom Fries" and suggests that the person taking his order "try that in a small town". When Jim returns to Dunder Mifflin a few weeks later he continually drones on about "kicking the asses of 5 guys", at one point telling Dwight that he's "only alive because kicking your (Dwight's) rear end would be too easy". Dwight ignores this for days, prompting Jim to get more blatantly disrespectful over time. The line is finally crossed when Jim tells a customer that Dwight "is built like a twig and smells bad, too", costing Dwight a sale. Dwight asks if they have a problem and, if so, how they're going to fix it. "N-no, Dwight! No problem at all! S-s-sorry! I'm so sorry, I'm just a little crazy after that fight, you know how it is. I'm stopping right now!" The next day Jim tells Toby that Dwight threatened him, causing Dwight to get suspended without pay for a week. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Nov 9, 2023 17:31
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Jim teaches himself to do a perfect impersonation of Ernest Borgnine, then keeps calling Dwight and leaving threatening messages. "Hey Dwight, it's the ghost of Ernest Borgnine! I'm hiding under your bed, and I'm gonna drag you to hell unless you watch every episode of The Single Guy! A-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Dwight struggles to find the mid 90s sitcom on any streaming platforms, eventually tracking down bootleg VHS tapes on ebay. The quality is extremely poor, but Dwight watches every episode in an effort to appease what he believes to be the tortured soul of the beloved Hollywood icon. Having spent a small fortune on this endeavor, Dwight has to skip lunch at work in order to save a few bucks. Jim chuckles at him. "Cutting back on lunch, eh, fatso? Probably not a bad idea." Jim then looks at his bank account, which has gained quite a bit over the last few weeks from several ebay auctions. He chuckles again, then looks at Dwight and doesn't break eye contact for 6 minutes.
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Nov 9, 2023 17:50
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Jim quits his job and gets a sex change. He gets rehired for his position as Jimette and starts to date Dwight. After a couple of years they get married and start having kids. Jimette secretly pretends to be pregnant, and when the time comes to give birth he steals a baby from an orphanage. The baby is black and Dwight is confused, but Jimette explains her ancestors were from Africa. Dwight accepts this and moves on. A few years later Jimette goes into the office and takes a huge poo poo on Dwight's desk, then looks at the camera with an awkward smile, end of episode.
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Nov 9, 2023 17:58
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Jim launches a podcast where he constantly talks about “preparing for the coming struggle.” His inane ramblings quickly become popular with conspiracy theorists, who believe Jims comments about “Mars Needs Moms” and “clown gas” are coded terms that describe a new American Civil War. Over time, though, the Jim Men (as they term themselves) are split into two factions over who “Dwight Shrute” represents - either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton.
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Nov 9, 2023 18:06
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It's a quiet day and Jim and Dwight are both occupied at their desks when Jim suddenly points his hand in a "finger gun" shape and "fires" at Dwight. Despite appearing completely preoccupied with work, Dwight's catlike reflexes and excellent peripheral vision allow him to dodge away from the imaginary shot just in time. Dwight "fires" his finger gun in retaliation, aiming squarely for Jim's center of mass. Jim insists that Dwight missed, despite it being obvious to everyone that Dwight definitely got Jim. The argument becomes heated and Jim continues to insist that Dwight missed even after Dwight calls Oscar and Meredith to testify that Dwight definitely got Jim. Finally Michael is called in to adjudicate. After hearing the evidence, Michael also declares that Dwight "definitely got" Jim. "I had a forcefield so the bullet just bounced off," declares a smug Jim, sparking another, even more heated argument that ranges from whether Jim was actually wearing a forcefield to whether a forcefield would have protected Jim from such a close range shot given certain assumptions about the caliber and ammunition of Dwight's finger gun. Jim mugs for the camera while a screaming match between the rest of the office rages in the background.
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Nov 9, 2023 18:42
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On the edge of the Multiversal String overseen by Cosmic Charles Miner, there is a Pathetic Jim universe. And in that universe... This Jim FUCKS
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Nov 10, 2023 03:18
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Jim banishes Dwight to the Phantom Zone
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Nov 10, 2023 14:53
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Jim wants to play an Akira-themed prank on Dwight. So Jim runs over Dwight with a motorcycle.
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Nov 10, 2023 16:17
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Jim wants to play an Akira-themed prank on Dwight. So Jim slaughters Dwight's clan on the battlefield and burns down Dwight's house. Dwight's daughter is forced to take refuge in a hidden fortress up in the mountains. Meanwhile, a pair of deserters from Dwight's army get embroiled in the search for the fabled treasure of Schrute farms. Jim falls asleep before the end of the prank.
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Nov 10, 2023 21:06
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Jim shakes his head back and forth rapidly, his rubbery lips and cheeks clapping and slabbering together, expelling teeth like chicklets all over the floor, row after row rapidly leaving and growing back.
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Nov 11, 2023 05:01
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Jim begins wearing skimpy clothing around the office, making the prudish Dwight both uncomfortable and aroused. Everyone else loves his new fashion sense, though.
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Nov 11, 2023 05:05
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Jim puts cement in Dwight's washing machine.
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Nov 12, 2023 03:42
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Jim puts semen in Dwight's washing machine.
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Nov 12, 2023 06:16
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Jim wants to play an Acura prank on Dwight. Jim slides an Acura across the road and hits Dwight.
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Nov 12, 2023 06:40
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Dwight forgets to take Jim out for a walk in the afternoon, and Jim makes a big stinky poop all over the carpet. Michael chides Dwight for his neglect.
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Nov 12, 2023 09:24
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Jim chews up Dwight’s dress shoes and humps Mose.
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Nov 12, 2023 09:48
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After Jim wears a Big Dogs T-shirt to work, Dwight sends out an email reminding everyone of the company dress code. Deciding to mock this, Jim the shows up to work dressed in a tuxedo. “Jim,” Oscar says gravely, “did you forget who’s showing up today?” “Oh gently caress,” Jim says as his heart begins to face, “oh poo poo oh Jesus. I already wore a tux in front of him, too! Christ, Oscar, can you cover for me for like an hour? I’m running home to change. Tell him I have diarrhea or something, please!” Oscar agrees and Jim runs home, convinced Charles Miner is visiting the office today. He’s not, though, and Oscar mugs for the camera.
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Nov 12, 2023 14:34
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Jim bought a second tux for this prank, despite having a perfectly good tuxedo already in his closet that he only wore once (the last time he mocked Dwight’s dress code). This tuxedo was a special order, and emblazoned with the words “it’s NOT THE SIZE OF THE DOG IN THE FIGHT, it’s the SIZE OF THE FIGHT IN THE DOG” hand-stitched on the coat. There’s no explanation as to how Jim was able to purchase and tailor all this in a single day.
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Nov 12, 2023 15:06
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Jim spermjacks Dwight and has his baby
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Nov 12, 2023 17:37
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Jim surgically replaces Dwight's balls with his own (Jim's) balls, so that any children Dwight fathers will be 100% Halpert. He also puts Dwight's balls in a jello mold.
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Nov 12, 2023 17:55
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Jim drives 30 minutes out of his way every day to throw a McDonald’s hamburger wrapper in Dwight’s front yard. This forces Dwight to pick it up when he gets home and, sometimes, Jim has sloppily eaten the burger and left large globs of mustard and ketchup and end up getting on Dwight’s gloved hand.
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Nov 13, 2023 00:50
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For several weeks, Jim embarks on a secret mission. After hours, his office would transform into a makeshift electronics lab, where he painstakingly assembles and programmes a miniature robotic device. Jim invests in advanced microcontrollers and sensors and also in an online course to master Arduino programming, dedicating his evenings to it. He solders tiny components by hand, writes thousands of lines of code, and conducts numerous late-night experiments, tweaking the device to perfection. His meticulous preparation involves creating mock-ups of his colleague Dwight's desk, ensuring the device's movements would be unnoticeable yet effective. He even spends weekends perfecting the gadget's stealth, testing various surfaces and cup sizes. The cost of materials and tools piles up, turning his project into a surprisingly expensive endeavor. But Jim thinks that Pam probably will cover that from her inheritance. Finally, the day of the prank arrives. Jim places the device under Dwight's desk, positioning it with surgical precision. As Dwight reaches for his coffee, the cup moves just a few millimeters, causing a moment of bewildered confusion.
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Nov 13, 2023 08:37
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Jim minionizes Dwight.
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Nov 13, 2023 14:17
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Jim starts a travel vlog which involves him (mostly) sneaking around Dwight's house and property in the dead of night. The other videos are his visits to Disney World, in which he becomes obsessed with "pranking Donald Duck". Angela asks Dwight if he's "the Donald Duck of the office" and the question leaves Dwight utterly baffled and feeling forlorn.
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Nov 13, 2023 14:23
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jim sells dwight to barbary corsairs, as an oarslave. dwight is subsequently worked to death over a period of months, dying in chains on a poo poo-speckled bench
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Nov 13, 2023 14:37
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Jim cuts off the water supply to Schrute Farms, choking off Dwight's crops and forcing Dwight to become dependent on Jim for food. Jim only supplies the bare minimum Famous Original Jim's to keep Dwight from starving to death. When Dwight complains, everyone calls Dwight ungrateful. Later Jim burns down Dwight's barn because Jim claimed to see a rat in it. Mose is killed in the blaze. Somehow everyone in the office treats Dwight like Dwight is the bad guy through all of this. Jim smirks as he poses for a photo with the mayor of Scranton.
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Nov 13, 2023 15:31
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"So, who are you doing your report on? Beetatrice? Hey, are you listening to me?" Beetatrice snaps out of her daydream and looks over at her best friend Justine. The two 5th graders are sitting at lunch in the busy Scranton Elementary School lunch room. "Oh, uh," Beetatrice quietly says, "I guess maybe great-grandpa Dwight. He's been through a lot, he was born in 1970! Plus he used to be an entre... an ent-" "An entrepreneur! I know, that's a weird word." "Right? But he did a lot of charity. I think he still does, too. So he's perfect for the report." "So, like, does he remember everything? You know, does he have that Alzheimer's thing? My grandma has it and sometimes she's really confused." "I dunno," Beetatrice replies with a bit of nervousness in her voice, "sometimes he talks about really weird stuff. Some weird guy who used to bully him or something. But, like, in really weird ways. And sometimes great-grandpa Dwight thinks that guy's still hanging around. It's kinda freaky." "Well," Justine says with a proud smile, "I'm doing my report on my uncle. He owns that new ice cream store!" Later that night, Beetatrice asks her parents if they could drive her over to Schrute Farms to meet with great grandpa Dwight. "Sure, I know he'd be happy to see you. Just... just don't ask him too much about that paper company he used to work for, okay?" replies Beetatrice's mother. "Yeah, grandpa gets confused about it," adds Beetatrice's father, "we think maybe there was lead paint or something there. Microplastics, maybe, God knows those things messed up most people born back then." "I won't. I just wanna know about the charity stuff. For school. A report I gotta do on entrepreneurs." Beetatrice carefully enunciates the last word and smiles at her parents, hiding the twinge of nervousness she always gets around great grandpa Dwight. Not just him, though, anyone that old. They just seem so frail, so close to dying sometimes. Beetatrice doesn't like thinking about that, death is still an unknowable and (quite frankly) utterly terrifying concept for her to try and process. But great grandpa Dwight himself is always so nice, and this visit should be no different. She just can't ask about his old paper salesman job. The day of the visit comes and Dwight, now just over 100 years old, smiles warmly from his mobility scooter as Beetatrice enters his house. Dwight hugs his grandchildren and thanks them for coming over, offering them twin glasses of beet juice. Or beet wine, if they are so inclined. They decline, saying that they have some errands to run while Beetatrice gets down to business and interviews him. Dwight smiles warmly, instantly looking much younger than his years, and sets up a spot at the kitchen table for her. He beckons her over and, at first, the interview goes smoothly. Beetatrice asks about his charity work and his years of hard work helping people around Scranton. She could fill an entire report just on the work Schrute Farms has done, from the modified beets designed to grow in arid climates to the work on carbon neutral beet-based fuels. And Dwight is happy to share all of this. But, then, Beetatrice asks why Dwight started getting interested in charity in the first place. What drew him towards it? And Dwight suddenly looks much older, every day of stress and anxiety rocketing back into his mind and tattooing themselves across his face. He sighs. There was a man. A floppy man, as Dwight remembers him, who worked at Dunder Mifflin. And this man had it all. He was handsome, charismatic, and even had a wife and kids at one point. But that wasn't enough, oh no, it never is with people like him. And the floppy man began pranking Dwight. The pranks were small at first, simple jests to help pass the hours at the office. But as the pranks grew in complexity, so too did the collateral damage. Jim would knock out power to an entire city block while rigging up exploding Christmas lights on Dwight's tree. Massive traffic jams snarled the city as Jim rerouted multiple highways through Dwight's bathroom. And so Dwight started fixing it. He fixed all the problems Jim made and then he realized there were more problems than that, so Dwight fixed those, too. And, after a while, the floppy man named Jim started self-destructing as Dwight got happier and more confident. And then, one day, Jim just kind of... disappeared. It wasn't anything dramatic, there was no great final prank or even much notice it was happening. But Jim, who was now a divorced and bitter man sleeping in a racecar bed, didn't show up to work. And he didn't show up the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that. And, after the police were called, they found Jim. He was still in that racecar bed, a rictus grin placed upon his face for all eternity. He was mugging. In his final act he mugged for the camera. The room is quiet and Beetatrice looks at her great grandpa with a much greater understanding of him than she's ever had before. In fact, she understands him better than her parents ever could. To them, Dwight was a happy go lucky beet farmer who sometimes got confused about his past. Of course, no one like Jim could actually exist. But Beetatrice understood. Unjaded by the world around her, Beetatrice understands that some people are truly evil. She hugs Dwight and thanks him for sharing that. Dwight wipes away a tear and thanks her for listening. "Great grandpa, my Mom says... well, she says that you think that Jim might still be out there. But he died, right?" Dwight is now pouring both of them a glass of beet juice, so Beetatrice can't see his face. But his voice is cold and emotionless, odd for such a warm and caring man. He simply says that he knows Jim won't rest in peace until Dwight is lying in the cold ground. Beetatrice shivers. Dwight then turns around with two glasses of beet juice and a smile on his face. He tells her to put all that aside, none of it concerns her, and asks if she'd like to go play with the cats. "Oh my gosh YES! Great grandpa Dwight, let's go!" Dwight smiles and remembers his late wife, who loved cats so very much. He wheels himself outside, to the Angela Schrute Memorial Cat Shelter with Beetatrice close behind him. Dozens of healthy cats, each happy and full of love, crawl around the spacious interior of the converted barn. Dwight tells Beetatrice that he'll be right back, he needs to make a quick run to the restroom. Beetatrice barely notices, her attention is now firmly on the cats which have settled on her lap. Dwight wheels himself across the farm, stopping for a moment at a small plaque dedicated to Mose. It sits on a rock where Mose liked to sun himself on warm days. Back in the house, Dwight carefully maneuvers himself out of his chair and on to the toilet. It takes more effort than he'd like to admit, adn Dwight worries that one day he won't be able to do even this minor physical task. But that's a concern for another day, right now he's got a happy great grandchild to entertain. Dwight finishes his business and flushes the toilet, then heads to the sink to wash his hands. Staring back at him in the mirror is Jim. Dwight splashes water on his face and Jim disappears just as quickly as he appeared. Hands shaking, Dwight quickly finishes washing his hands and races back outside. The bathroom is silent.
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Nov 13, 2023 15:55
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jim spraypaints ethnic slurs on dwight's car
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Nov 13, 2023 17:58
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Jim trades Dwight’s reproductive rights for a copy of Mars Needs Mom.
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Nov 13, 2023 18:27
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Jim presents Dwight with an envelope and gives him a handshake, congratulating Dwight on 20 years of pranks. Dwight cautiously opens the envelope to discover an ornate card of clown paper and writing inked with Jim's blood. "Good For One Free Prank - This card allows the bearer to summon one genuine Jim Halpert-Class A prank, at any place and time, to be given to the recipient(s) of the bearer's choosing. Some restrictions apply. See website for further detals." Dwight feels extreme stress from this power has been granted to him: Too dangerous to use, too valuable to destroy. Each day, he watches an unjust world that needs divine justice, damned punishment, something that only a Jim prank could be used exact such judgement. Dwight tells himself that perhaps a prank, if directed properly, can actually be 'good'. He lets his mind wander to the single, one-time prank he could call upon, for the good of all humanity, of course, before trying to push those thoughts out his head and forget them. No, this is a monkey's paw... Any prank will have horrible, unforeseen consequences! He must never succumb to the temptation! But yet, Dwight still finds himself unable to simply burn the coupon in a fire and rid himself of the burden and horror of this power. "The coupon IS the prank," Jim tells the camera crew. "If he ever tries to redeem it I'm just going to laugh and hang up on him."
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Nov 13, 2023 18:53
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Jim self-funds an elaborate animated film called "The Prankster and the Farmer". The film is in and out of production for nearly 30 years due to Jim's unsteady finances and his bizarre, perfectionist nature on the film. At one point Jim employs nearly 400 animators but runs off almost every single one after forcing them to re-draw and re-paint scene after scene after scene. Jim is nearly completed with his masterpiece but struggles to hit the final deadline without financial support. Dreamworks Animation steps in, offering Jim 25 million dollars to help finish his film. Jim still misses several deadlines and Dreamworks animation then seizes control of the film, kicking Jim off the project and using their own in-house animation team to complete the film. This also necessitates massive rewrites and revisions to the film, with the mute character of "The Farmer" instead being voiced by Matthew Broderick and having several songs (Jim's original film was not a musical). The film releases as "The Princess and the Farmer" but is a massive flop, being compared unfavorably to Dreamworks' other films and to contemporary Disney films. Disney then purchases the distribution rights to the film, cuts an additional 10 minutes and adds new celebrity voices including Awkwafina, Lin Manuel Miranda, and Gal Gadot. Now called "Scranton Knights" the film is quietly released in theaters, flops again, and then is released on home video only as a promotional item in select General Mills cereals. The film becomes both a tantalizing "What if?" scenario and a parable about the dangers of perfectionism. Dwight asks Jim if he's okay with how his dream turned out, and Jim just chuckles. "Yeah, I guess I have to be, right? Hey, uh, I wouldn't mind if you watched the movie. I know I give you a hard time but I appreciate your input into things, especially the arts." Dwight agrees to this and picks up a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch that weekend, finding the DVD inside the box. He places it into his DVD player and watches, silently, as Jim's vision is revealed in a bastardized, homogenized, and shortened form. He sighs, finishes the movie and his cereal, and then on Monday morning tells Jim that he's sorry the movie didn't work out. There was obviously a lot of promise and effort in the animation, but it just didn't come together as a full movie in this form. "Okay, but you got the cereal, right?" Dwight says he does. 'HA! They found a bunch of microplastics in the box because of those cheap DVDs! And you ate 'em all, Balloon Boy!" Jim mugs for the camera but, to Dwight at least, it looks as if he's holding back tears.
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Nov 13, 2023 19:27
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The Prankster, The Killa, and the Clown Dealer
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Nov 13, 2023 23:18
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Jim leaves Dwight pantsless in the middle of downtown Pantsburg.
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Nov 14, 2023 00:52
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Jim writes Dwight's name in the Prank Note.
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Nov 14, 2023 05:04
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Jim eats a Lunchable for dinner in front of Dwight
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Nov 14, 2023 06:45
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| # ? May 29, 2024 20:12 |
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Jim eats a Minion for dinner in front of Dwight
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Nov 14, 2023 07:37
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