funny politics shit you remember: The Maltese Failson

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > C-SPAM > funny politics shit you remember: The Maltese Failson

Kitfox88: Aug 21, 2007; Anybody lose their glasses?

Mister Bates posted:

the Bolivian coup plotters promised cops and the military a bunch of big pay bonuses if they backed the coup and then promptly backed out of actually paying any of them once in power

sounds like the cops and military should coup em

# ? Jan 6, 2024 19:22

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# ? May 28, 2024 07:00

TeenageArchipelago: Jul 23, 2013

I feel like there was something funny about how the coup leader got caught, but I don't remember enough to look it up

# ? Jan 6, 2024 21:02

projecthalaxy: Dec 27, 2008; Yes hello it is I Kurt's Secret Son

Wasnt the bolivian coup where that PMC got captured instantly by the fishermen of the dock they tried to amphibiously land at and peed on their own faces

# ? Jan 6, 2024 21:04

lumpentroll: Mar 4, 2020

projecthalaxy posted:

Wasnt the bolivian coup where that PMC got captured instantly by the fishermen of the dock they tried to amphibiously land at and peed on their own faces

no that was venezuela

# ? Jan 6, 2024 21:06

Mister Bates: Aug 4, 2010

the failed Venezuela landing attempt was planned in the private room at a Buffalo Wild Wings

# ? Jan 6, 2024 21:56

projecthalaxy: Dec 27, 2008; Yes hello it is I Kurt's Secret Son

lumpentroll posted:

no that was venezuela

O no i did a liberalism

# ? Jan 6, 2024 22:17

Animal-Mother: Feb 14, 2012; RABBIT RABBIT
RABBIT RABBIT

Empty Shelves Joe

# ? Jan 7, 2024 22:06

net work error: Feb 26, 2011

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxbT11QlCe8

# ? Jan 7, 2024 22:12

Generic Monk: Oct 31, 2011

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjdTi1r-yRQ

# ? Jan 8, 2024 01:36

One More Fat Nerd: Apr 13, 2007; Mama’s Lil’ Louie; Nap Ghost

Generic Monk posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjdTi1r-yRQ

I prefer mine to be very audible

# ? Jan 8, 2024 02:26

H.P. Hovercraft: Jan 12, 2004; one thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse; Slippery Tilde

remembering when the media and late night shows kept calling monica lewinsky a fattie

# ? Jan 8, 2024 04:13

mawarannahr: May 21, 2019

H.P. Hovercraft posted:

remembering when the media and late night shows kept calling monica lewinsky a fattie

not so funny but
Opinion | Liberties; Monica's Frowny Face

www.nytimes.com - Sun, 31 May 1998 posted:

Poor little Monica.

On top of all the other indignities she has suffered during her career as White House gofer and scandal babe, she had to spend hours on Thursday at the F.B.I. field office in Los Angeles. She had to write down in longhand whatever came into her head. The 24-year-old must have felt like Bart Simpson, forced by Schoolmaster Starr to stay after class and copy out the same sentence a hundred times on the blackboard.

The prosecutor needed a handwriting sample. Or he pretended to need a handwriting sample, so he could scare the poor girl into thinking he is about to indict her unless she starts spilling the cat out of the beans, as Carmen Miranda used to say. He no doubt wants her penmanship to compare it to the lovey-dovey stuff Monica was messengering the President from the Pentagon.

You'll never believe this, but a copy of Monica's scribbles has fallen into my hot little hands. Her stream-of-consciousness ramblings are on F.B.I. letterhead -- in a girlish scrawl, with loopy letters, little hearts and breathless punctuation. Here's what she wrote:

Monica Clinton. Monica Lewinsky Clinton. Monica Lewinsky Rodham Clinton. Mrs. Big Creep. (Frowny face.) First Lady Monica. (Smiley face.) Menu for MY Italian State Dinner: Spaghetti Carbonara. Tiramisu. Spumoni. Table placement: Me between Leonardo DiCaprio & John Travolta. Also, cannoli.

I HATE Linda Tripp! She calls that a makeover? What a ghoul!!

Dear Johnnie Cochran: Can you please, please, please come be my lawyer now? There was no dress, need not confess!! Or, if the dress doesn't fit -- never mind, I hate that subject. I am so totally sick of Ginsburg! Even Dershowitz would be better.

I can't believe Ginsburg made that crack about how Starr had only succeeded in proving that there had been an affair between consenting adults. HELLOOO! You're MY lawyer, lame-o! You're not supposed to call me a BIMBO and a PERJURER! I wish Daddy would put a stop on the check. Ginsburg's so afraid that Barbara Walters will lose interest in him, he'll say anything. And he keeps dragging me out to dinner so the photographers can take our picture. Steak! Steak! Steak! Creamed spinach! Cottage fries! Onion ring loaf! Doesn't he know any places with spa cuisine??? If I do have to go to trial, Mom says we'll cloister ourselves at Canyon Ranch first. (Is prison like a spa without seltzer?)

Ken Starr, if you are reading this, you are an extremely twisted individual who needs help. You can't possibly understand what Bill and I had together. It was so poetic!!! Bill + Monica. [The ''i's'' dotted with hearts.] Usually I go for older men, but you are a dirty old man. I can't believe you're trying to subpoena my sales slip for ''Vox.'' Why are you so interested in phone sex? Anyway, I didn't even finish that book. It's sooooo long.

That's probably why you want to talk to Secret Service agents -- just to hear a bunch of kinky stories.

I'm starting to get scared about prison. I didn't find the last scene of ''Seinfeld'' at all funny. I don't want to be buried alive like Susan McDougal. Her ankle bracelets are sort of sexy, but I look terrible in orange!! I really loved Bill, but no way I'm going to be stuck in a 7-by-12-foot cell for years just to save his neck. Not after he called me ''THAT woman.'' (Frowny face.) He used to be such a cutie. Now he's such a meanie. Look at what he's doing to poor Betty, trying to pin the blame on her for his fun.

Then again, Graydon Carter thinks prison would be a good career move for me. He said he'd get Helmut Newton to do a spread for Vanity Fair, with me writhing in a striped jumpsuit next to bare concrete walls. When I got out, I'd be like G. Gordon Liddy.

I'm glad Bruce & Sidney lost their executive privileges. I'll finally get to hear what the Big Creep's been saying about me. Maybe I'll even find out why he hasn't called me for so long.

My lawyers made me come in the front door of the F.B.I. office today instead of the back door, so I'd get mauled by the paparazzi and look vulnerable. I do feel like an orphan in the storm. No, a pawn in a chess game. No, a candle in the wind. Will I ever get another date?? Who will want to marry me now??? Who will help me get a big job in New York even though I can't type and have no experience except delivering pizza and mail to the President??

I'm not having any fun at all. (Frowny face.)

mawarannahr has issued a correction as of 04:52 on Jan 8, 2024

# ? Jan 8, 2024 04:46

Kitfox88: Aug 21, 2007; Anybody lose their glasses?

libs have always been poo poo

# ? Jan 8, 2024 05:13

Flowers For Algeria: Dec 3, 2005; I humbly offer my services as forum inquisitor. There is absolutely no way I would abuse this power in any way.

the ben carson biopic

# ? Jan 8, 2024 08:44

exmarx: Feb 18, 2012; The experience over the years
of nothing getting better
only worse.

multiple people thinking the jan 6 podium guy was named "via getty"

# ? Jan 8, 2024 10:17

Ruffian Price: Sep 17, 2016

via getty is the capitol building's address

# ? Jan 8, 2024 12:14

ArmedZombie: Jun 6, 2004

Ruffian Price posted:

via getty is the capitol building's address

# ? Jan 8, 2024 14:35

Uncle Boogeyman: Jul 22, 2007

Dokapon Findom posted:

At lunch yesterday there was a guy who was the spitting image of Pete Buttigieg, I was blown away by the rat-like proportions of his profile. Six feet tall and a British accent so it couldn't have been him though

that was Pete Buttigieg, he got the leg lengthening surgery and also the British surgery

# ? Jan 8, 2024 14:44

Fortaleza: Feb 21, 2008

Matt fuckin' Damon did the audiobook for Howard Zinn's A People's History

# ? Jan 8, 2024 16:16

ikanreed: Sep 25, 2009; I honestly I have no idea who cannibal[SIC] is and I do not know why I should know.

syq dude, just syq!

I keep going back to this well, but Havana syndrome is the funniest damned thing to ever happen

# ? Jan 8, 2024 16:50

Fortaleza: Feb 21, 2008

Incredibly convoluted but incredibly successful scheme to get extra sick days for embassy workers

# ? Jan 8, 2024 16:51

mawarannahr: May 21, 2019

ikanreed posted:

I keep going back to this well, but Havana syndrome is the funniest damned thing to ever happen

it's Trump derangement syndrome. started showing up in late 2016 and kept rising until about 2020

# ? Jan 8, 2024 16:53

projecthalaxy: Dec 27, 2008; Yes hello it is I Kurt's Secret Son

If you want to be a serious person, you have to say and believe that Putin bought a magic gun from the Devil that gives people Havana syndrome with no contact, evidence, or symptoms.

# ? Jan 8, 2024 16:53

Fortaleza: Feb 21, 2008

In the game Control havana syndrome was a real supernatural event and they covered it up by saying it was some ray gun so nobody in their right mind would believe it lol

# ? Jan 8, 2024 16:56

moist turtleneck: Jul 17, 2003; Represent.; Dinosaur Gum

No questions from anyone on how we are going to pay for the magic brain injury that works just like a bad hangover

They passed that poo poo so quick lol

# ? Jan 8, 2024 16:59

DACK FAYDEN: Feb 25, 2013; Bear Witness

eyy i'm havana syndrome ere

# ? Jan 8, 2024 17:07

Mister Bates: Aug 4, 2010

I think Havana Syndrome was at least partially projection, it is no less stupid than many of the things the US has done or attempted to do in Cuba

the CIA's increasingly convoluted plans to either assassinate or discredit Fidel Castro included trying to make his hair fall out and trying to secretly dose him with LSD

# ? Jan 8, 2024 18:54

100 HOGS AGREE: Oct 13, 2007; Grimey Drawer

Trying to replace one of his cigars with explosives is also very funny, CIA stealing ideas right out of Looney Tunes.

# ? Jan 8, 2024 18:57

Dokapon Findom: Dec 5, 2022; But have you considered whether the child murdered by the driver of that truck was riding an oversized bike?!?! Children riding oversized bikes are the scourge of our roadways!!

Fortaleza posted:

Incredibly convoluted but incredibly successful scheme to get extra sick days for embassy workers

This is all it ever was. Fake/misdiagnosed*, no such weapon to inflict such "harm" exists, what a useless thing to use it for giving embassy functionaries (the lowest of the low) tummyaches, etc. It just doesn't hold water, even for me as a conspiratorial thinker :shrug:

*I do think it was a way to give them benefits for harm incurred by coronavirus infections, though- but good luck enshrining those protections for any other class of worker

# ? Jan 8, 2024 19:06

Dokapon Findom: Dec 5, 2022; But have you considered whether the child murdered by the driver of that truck was riding an oversized bike?!?! Children riding oversized bikes are the scourge of our roadways!!

Maybe lift the loving embargo already if you're so worried about Cuba! :mad:

# ? Jan 8, 2024 19:08

bedpan: Apr 23, 2008

Dokapon Findom posted:

Maybe lift the loving embargo already if you're so worried about Cuba!

lmao it is literally against the law to do this unless Cuba first gives restitution at 100% of the value for all of the property seized during the revolution

# ? Jan 8, 2024 19:09

Dokapon Findom: Dec 5, 2022; But have you considered whether the child murdered by the driver of that truck was riding an oversized bike?!?! Children riding oversized bikes are the scourge of our roadways!!

Maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about- but I'm still right!

# ? Jan 8, 2024 19:12

Admiral Bosch: Apr 19, 2007; Who is Admiral Aken Bosch, and what is that old scoundrel up to?

bedpan posted:

lmao it is literally against the law to do this unless Cuba first gives restitution at 100% of the value for all of the property seized during the revolution

well that seems reasonable, i have no reason to believe we would keep the embargo in place if they were to do this

# ? Jan 8, 2024 19:56

bedpan: Apr 23, 2008

Admiral Bosch posted:

well that seems reasonable, i have no reason to believe we would keep the embargo in place if they were to do this

# ? Jan 8, 2024 19:58

vyelkin: Jan 2, 2011

Havana Syndrome was a plot point in the recent Netflix film Leave the World Behind, produced by Barack and Michelle Obama

# ? Jan 8, 2024 20:33

TeenageArchipelago: Jul 23, 2013

PPP loans, tbqh

# ? Jan 8, 2024 21:14

Eat This Glob: Jan 14, 2008; God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent?

trump kinda bragging that he's done a lot of business with the mob. this generation's JFK!

# ? Jan 8, 2024 21:21

HashtagGirlboss: Jan 4, 2005

vyelkin posted:

Havana Syndrome was a plot point in the recent Netflix film Leave the World Behind, produced by Barack and Michelle Obama

I laughed so hard at that part and got some very angry looks lol

Total aside but what�s with movies these days seeming like they�re filmed really loving sharp focus I can�t really explain it exactly but there�s some kind of harshness and clarity to the video quality in some of the more recent things I�ve seen

# ? Jan 8, 2024 22:08

Mister Bates: Aug 4, 2010

Trotsky once attempted to dramatically slam a door for effect while exiting a meeting of the revolutionary government after an argument, but the door in question was a big heavy thing on squeaky hinges, so instead of a dramatic slam he just very slowly pulled it closed while everyone sat there in awkward silence

# ? Jan 8, 2024 22:10

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# ? May 28, 2024 07:00

Laterite: Mar 14, 2007; It's Gutfest '89; Grimey Drawer

lmao, gettin-stabbed-rear end bitch

# ? Jan 8, 2024 22:14

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