- AreWeDrunkYet
- Jul 8, 2006
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I guess we're doing this.
AITA for jumping out of the way when my niece and nephew tried to push me into a pool, resulting in them falling in?
quote:Sorry, this post has been removed by the moderators of r/AmItheAsshole.
Moderators remove posts from feeds for a variety of reasons, including keeping communities safe, civil, and true to their purpose.
UPDATE: AITA for jumping out of the way when my niece and nephew tried to push me into a pool, resulting in them falling in?
quote:First off, my folks tell me that my nieces and nephews are all good swimmers and that they use the pool all the time. The 7 year old is still a beginner but he loves the water. My sister just said they couldn't swim so I'd look bad. To be fair none of the kids are allowed in the deep end which is where they fell in. It was the two 10 year olds and the 9 year old who tried to push me into the pool.
After we left the party ended on a pretty sour note. My drunk brother in law who face planted while yelling at me had to go to an urgent care place and get his face stitched up. He was too toasted to drive so Dad took him. Dad was very not happy about this.
Late that evening my sisters started a group text and said some really nasty crap. Their husbands threw in a few comments as well. Wife and I blocked the four of them. My mom called me, she was pretty upset about what they said (she and dad were in the chat) and I don't blame her.
Because of the texts my folks insisted my sisters / BILs come over the next day (Sunday) without their kids to "get some things straight and lay down some ground rules" (mom's wording). The result was a contrite if unenthusiastic apology from the siblings via my mom's phone. I'm glad my wife was with me when they called - her hard stares kept me from saying what I wanted to. I just told them thanks and that we felt no need to discuss it further.
Since I thought things were settled I unblocked them. That evening I got a text from one of the BILs telling me the phones cost $XXXX and asking when I'd be paying for them. WTF??? I replied "Never", took a screenshot of his text and forwarded it to my folks with a note that we were done with this nonsense, were going no contact with sisters / spouses and not to invite us to any more holidays or get togethers if they'll be present. Then I blocked the sisters and their spouses again.
At that point the poo poo really hit the fan. Dad called them and ripped them a new one. Among other things he told them the grandkids were not welcome at his place indefinitely. Since my mom regularly provides free babysitting that got them pretty rattled. He also banned them from using the vacation house and told them my wife and I actually own it, not he and mom. This completely freaked them out - both of my sisters' / families use the place a lot including having their friends up for weekend getaways. This was very much out of character for my folks. They'd clearly had it. And for reference, I never wanted my sisters to know we own the place. We bought it for my folks, they'd always wanted a place in the mountains. Keeping the ownership quiet was just a way to avoid drama with my siblings.
A couple of days later my sisters and their husbands came to our place unannounced to apologize in person. We were were out to dinner and they left a note. One sister also called me at work too, I sent her to voicemail. We've decided being no contact is the best thing for the indefinite future and haven't interacted with them for the last 3+ weeks. Personally I'm done, they can go pound sand.
Update #3
quote:September 12, 2023... Yet another update regarding the cluster f that is my extended family. Thought it might be time given what's gone on over the past two weeks.
After my sisters came to my place my mom and dad told me they were done with managing the vacation home. Sounded like the sisters had been pressuring them to let them use the place again. Basically my folks handed the responsibility for place over to me and told me it was my problem from here on out. Up until then they'd kept track of who would be using it when and they'd taken care of routine maintenance, replacing worn out items, etc.
In any case they decided they didn't want to be in the middle of all this crap. While I don't blame them I'm disappointed because the drat place was supposed to be something for them to enjoy and hang out in and they use it regularly. Plus I've never cared that they let my sisters and their families use it, because really I've always thought that was my parents' call even though I technically own it. But now my folks are going to be in the position of not having access without me being involved and that changes the whole dynamic of the place.
I've taken several steps to secure the place. I already mentioned that I locked the gate, it has a heavy duty chain and the best lock I could find. I also did a full reset on all the door keypads and created all new codes. Security cameras got installed yesterday, which is actually pretty cool because the installer convinced me to put a high res one that looks out over the valley. The system cost me way more than I thought it would but the peace of mind is worth it. The installer also put up signs on the property saying the place was monitored by video.
I also installed a heavy duty lockout for the water shutoff / drain valve. I hope to hell I don't lose the keys for it because if I do it's going to be a bear to try to remove. Haven't told anyone but my wife that the water is locked off and again, only we have the keys.
Last week I got separate calls at my office from both of the husbands trying to convince me to let them use the house "like they always have". The older one had gone up with some friends for a guy's hangout but couldn't get in because of the gate lock. He was pretty pissed and embarrassed about being locked out, I'm sure he would have broken the lock if he could have. During his call he kept bouncing between pushy and victimhood. At one point he threatened to "rip that gate outta the goddamn ground". He also admitted they'd been renting it out to "a few friends", that they needed the money, I was ruining their "business" and that I should refund their guests' money (Me?? F that). I should have recorded the conversation with him but I don't know how to do that from an office phone anyway. The other BIL just sounded like he was being made to call by my sister, he didn't really put up a fight when I told him not to plan on ever using the place again. In any case I told them they can't use the place and not to ask again.
At this point I'm considering selling the vacation home. Wife and I won't use it enough to justify keeping it and it's not like there's going to be any family get togethers there anytime soon. I mentioned selling it to my folks, their response was pretty much "whatever". I'd more than double my money by selling it, the place consists of three lots with killer views and is at the end of a private road. But I'll probably wait for a while to sell, doing so now would be an emotional decision.
My sisters and I aren't currently speaking and I have no plans to initiate contact. I don't know what the status between them and my folks is and I don't want to.
On the upside, we spent an evening with my folks last week, went to a new restaurant that was nice. No one brought up any of this crap. Mom did update us on the nieces and nephews, she's spending time with them at their homes.
Sorry this update isn't full of laughs or owns, that's just life sometimes.
Update #4
quote:October 16, 2023. A couple of people have asked for an update, here you go.
I hired a guy to manage / look over the vacation home. He lives in the area, takes care of his folks and manages a good number of properties, some are vacation rentals, some are weekend places like ours. He has access to my camera feeds and does a physical check on the place every week or two. I think he may have the best job in the mountains, he gets paid to drive around with his dog, walk around the properties and hangs out on people's decks whenever he feels like it. He also has a camera feed from a house near the start of the private road that takes still shots whenever a vehicle goes past it. $450 per month plus he'll do basic maintenance and repairs on an hourly basis. He's friends with all of the sheriff's deputies too. Got a lot of peace of mind from doing this. And he sends photos from his walks to everyone once or twice a week.
I have to brag a bit on my parents (I got all this from them tonight at dinner). They were getting pressure from my sisters to demand that I open up the vacation house to everyone for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving up there had become quite the tradition for the family (not for me or my wife, we've gone once in seven years). My dad refused to bother me about it because he knew I'd say no. They came up with what I think is a great plan, announced that they were organizing the Thanksgiving gathering and - if everyone split the cost in advance - they'd rent an Airbnb in the mountains. Otherwise they'd host Thanksgiving at their place or one of the sisters could host it. This caused a fight between the sisters because the middle sister was all for doing the Airbnb but the oldest one doesn't have any money. The deadline to commit to the Airbnb has passed, looks like Thanksgiving will be at my parents' place. Regardless, we won't be there.
My parents have asked that we not sell the place for now, they decided they'd still like to use it occasionally but not until my sisters have come to terms with the new normal. And of course they'd probably like it if everyone could get together there again down the road, but that's just not going to happen. I'd just as soon sell it and move on at this point but I can live with keeping it if my folks do use it now and again. Plus it will be worth even more down the road.
Wife and I have stayed no contact with my sisters and their husbands. Both sisters have called from new numbers (F you Google Voice) and left messages insisting that I meet with them "for our parents' sake" to work out how everyone can use "the family vacation home". They called my wife too. I'm glad I was already in the habit of not answering calls if I don't recognize the number. I honestly don't know if they're delusional or if they think they can bully me into giving them access again. Don't really care.
My parents tell me that the oldest sister and her husband are getting out of the leases for their SUV and big rear end truck and are selling their jet skis and some other poo poo they've never needed. That's going to be really hard on her, she's quite the braggart and won't like being seen in something older / smaller / cheaper. My BIL's identity is very much wrapped up with his truck as well, he even has a small tattoo of the truck company's logo. Which frankly is one of the many reasons why he and I never hung out.
Several people have suggested I make the vacation home into an Airbnb. I don't plan to do so, at least anytime soon. I know it would make money but it would cause an incredible amount of drama across the family and would stress out my parents. They don't need that. It would also be a hassle to remove personal things my folks have there, that stuff has nowhere to go. And there would be wear and tear on the place. And I'm sure it would take some amount of time on my part even though I'd use a manager to do it. Just not worth it to me.
Update #5... Crap.
quote:November 27, 2023... Wrote most of this yesterday but decided to wait to post it until I wasn't so wound up. Waiting didn't work, I'm still wound up. Sorry if this rambles, so much has happened, hard to write coherently.
Things have gone to hell. I really, truly did not think anything like this would happen.
Short version: My brothers in law broke into my vacation home and were arrested. They've been charged with breaking and entering, destruction of property and communicating threats, all Class 1 misdemeanors. I've refused to drop the charges. I might do so if I'm fully paid for the damage they caused. They were still in jail as of Saturday evening, I assume they're out by now.
Things had settled down, at least I thought so. Haven't seen or heard from my sisters in over six weeks. My parents went up to the house for a week and had a good time. David - the property manager I hired - has worked out great, he's done a couple of repairs I asked him to do and I've given him a list that he's going to work on. He usually sends a photo or two of wildlife or a sunset to his clients every week, was kind of making me want to get up there.
Friday after Thanksgiving my BILs went to my vacation home. They used an angle grinder to cut through the chain on the driveway gate and damaged the gate in the process. They tried to get in through the front door, ruined the lockset and gouged the door badly. They finally got in through the utility floor door and a locked internal door. They also broke into the barn, I'm not sure why. When they went out through the front door where they were met by sheriff's deputies and David. David gets notifications from the camera system when there's activity, he saw what was going on and called the sheriff's department.
According to David the BILs tried to bullshit their way out of it but the deputies didn't buy it. Breaking into an empty house is a pretty serious thing up there, usually it's meth heads who ransack the place and hock everything. When the BILs were arrested they freaked out big time, were saying how they were going to beat the hell out of me, etc... Not smart to do in front of cops.
David and the sheriff's office tried calling my wife and me to see what we wanted to do but we were spending the day with her parents and had left our phones in the car so we could be in vacation mode. So they booked the BILs on everything, which is what I would have asked them to do anyway.
BIL's called their wives from jail who of course freaked out; they called my folks, tried to call me (they're blocked), tried to find a lawyer up there to arrange bail (not easy to do given that it's a rural area and was a holiday weekend). Older sister has zero cash and her cards are maxxed out so if they made bail my middle sister would have had to pay for both husbands. I know they were still in jail as of Saturday afternoon.
We didn't check our phones until late Friday on the way home from the in laws. There were a ton of calls and messages from my mom, dad, David and the sheriff's department. Talk about ruining a great day, I was in such a good mood til I looked at my phone. My wife read through the texts and listened the messages, read them out to me and by the time we got home I had some idea of what was going on. I put my brain back into thinking mode, tried to get past my anger, failed. Called David and got the rundown on what had happened and how bad the damage was, resulting in more anger.
I ended Friday by calling the sheriff's department and telling them there was no misunderstanding, the BILs had absolutely no right to be on my property and I wanted to press charges. I didn't call my folks back. Barely slept.
I waited until Saturday afternoon to call my folks. They were both pretty rattled about it all, my mom in particular. My sisters had browbeat them into telling me I should tell the cops it was all a mistake and that I wanted the charges dropped. I refused flat out, told them there was no way I'd do that until I spoke with an attorney and also not until I was paid in full for whatever it will cost to fix everything 100%. My mom was crying hard by the time we got off the phone which of course made me feel like poo poo. My dad suggested it was time for a complete start over but also said he thought they needed to pay for the damage.
I haven't gone up to the property yet. There's nothing I can do and I'll probably go nuts when I see the damage in person, the photos are bad enough. I'm hoping to tomorrow or Wednesday but my job isn't one I can just wander off from for non-emergencies.
I've left messages with two attorney friends asking them to recommend the right lawyer(s) to go after my sisters and BILs. I don't know what I can do exactly but I'm hoping to get restraining orders (I have all the texts they've sent me, that might help). I'm strongly considering suing them for the money they made renting the place, I don't care about the cash but it will help make them as miserable as possible. The gloves are definitely off at this point.
A couple of side notes:
BILs had no idea I'd hired someone to keep an eye on things or that there are cameras there now. My parents knew but hadn't told them because they knew it would just give my sisters a reason to drama up. There are signs on the property stating it's being monitored with cameras and no trespassing signs though.
My wife has completely had it at this point. I don't blame her, she's been more than patient about it all but she reached her limit and was not shy about letting me know. She told me its up to me how I deal with this but that she thought they all needed to be taught a hard lesson.
Older BIL likely won't face any repercussions at his job over this but middle BIL has a security clearance so he might. I'm hoping that will be motivation for middle BIL to pay for the damages himself immediately.
David (the caretaker) has an interesting background. I knew he was friends with some of the deputies, figured it was because they were all locals. I was wrong, he was a cop in a big city for years, was shot on duty and afterwards decided to quit and move to where his parents had retired. He has some PTSD over it all, his dog is a certified service animal and is usually with him. I know law enforcement people tend to hang together, I guess that's how they became his friend group.
I don't want to see or speak with these Aholes for the rest of my life. I know this is in direct conflict with my overwhelming urge to make their lives as miserable as possible.
Update #6
quote:Thursday afternoon I got a courier-delivered envelope at my office. In it was a signed letter from both my brothers-in-law and a cashier's check for $5000. In the letter they made what I have to say was a really sincere apology. Among other things they acknowledged breaking in, acknowledged it was wrong, said the $5000 was to pay for the damage and that they'd pay more if it cost more than that. Also said they'd stay away from the vacation home unless my wife and I specifically invited them. They also asked that I do what could to get the charges dropped as soon as possible because they both could lose their jobs and that they'd agree to a restraining order or whatever else it took for that to happen. There was more as well, all conciliatory, but that's the gist of it.
To say this was a shock is an understatement. It was (obviously) a total 180 from their past behavior.
I'd already made an appointment with an attorney to see about suing my BILs over the damage and to try to get a restraining order. I called him and told him what I'd just received and he agreed to meet with me at the end of the day instead of next week. Told me not to deposit the check.
We met for about two hours. He ended up recommending the wife and I do a "settlement and mutual release agreement" with all four of them (sisters and BILs). He said if we went after them via a lawsuit that we'd almost certainly win but that it could take two years or more, there would be sizeable up front legal fees and that we might never see any money. He also said we could keep the $5000 free and clear even if we didn't let them off the hook. He's drawing up the agreement, it won't be ready until Monday. The agreement will include what's essentially the civil equivalent of a restraining order.
I'd already asked my property manager to work up a bid to get the damage repaired. I called him after the meeting and asked that he get me as close an estimate as possible ASAP. Got that Friday, he thinks it will take around $4000 to fix everything. Most of that is for the front door.
On Friday my attorney contacted each of the BILs, told them what we were proposing and advised them to get their own lawyers. They both agreed to it. The middle BIL told him they could afford to either pay for the damages or pay for a lawyer but not both and they figured a lawyer wouldn't make any difference given that they really had no defense for what they did. His biggest concern was if the charges could be dropped. From what I can tell they're willing to do anything / sign anything to make this all go away.
My attorney also called the DA's office on Friday to discuss dismissing the charges, got the name of the prosecutor and left them a message but has not spoken to them yet. He thinks they'll dismiss the charges because the BILs are paying up and they have no priors, but then again he's not a criminal lawyer. Also said I should be prepared to drive up there Monday or Tuesday and tell the prosecutor in person that I want everything dismissed.
He's also advised me to continue to be no contact with sisters and BILs especially for the next six months and that it will be really important to follow the terms of the agreement when it comes to future interactions with them.
I'm guessing that the BILs change of heart is due to them having figured out what's at stake for them, what it's going to cost them in legal fees and fines and so on. There's also the (highly unlikely) possibility that they could go to jail for up to 120 days, and as I've mentioned one of them has a security clearance for his job that could be at risk. So this is their Hail Mary pass to keep their normal lives.
This isn't a perfect resolution to the situation, but at least it will get me past the legal and financial parts of the poo poo show that I've been in for the past few months. I doubt I'll ever have a civil relationship with any of them ever again and that's fine. What I want most at this point is to close this off, get on with my life and never speak to any of them again. I'm exhausted from this. Wife feels pretty much the same way.
Kind of a side issue but getting the written apology was, weirdly, a huge moment for me. I wasn't expecting that ever but apparently it matters to me quite a bit. The money doesn't feel particularly important at this moment. I'll drat sure take it though.
Also I'm pretty certain my middle sister and her husband came up with the money. The cashier's check is from the credit union of the company he works for.
Once things are signed I plan to make one more update, probably just an edit to this post.
I'm sorry for being so pedantic. Writing these posts has helped clear my head and the feedback has really helped. I truly appreciate everyone's comments, insights, and support. And I really, really hope none of you ever have to go this kind of nonsense.
Update #7 - final (I hope!)
quote:Tuesday morning I met with my attorney went over the agreement. Changed a couple of minor things and he sent it to my sisters and brothers-in-law. It included a requirement that they pay my attorney's fee (about $3000). They weren't happy about that and tried to negotiate it away, but he told them they either accept it as is or there would be no deal at all and we'd proceed with suing them for the money they got from renting out the place, wear and tear from renting it, repair costs from their break in, emotional distress, lost income from having to deal with this, attorney fees and whatever else we could. He also told them I would push hard with the DA's office to prosecute every charge.
Short version, they came in and signed. I wasn't there. I'm told it was a pretty tense environment, that the middle BIL appeared to have taken charge and that at one point he told both of my sisters to shut the hell up or he was walking away from the whole thing, making his own deal with us and the rest of them could all go to hell. They provided another cashier's check for $2500, claimed that's all they had. It's close enough that we're going to accept it as the final payment.
Attorney also told me that everyone was very cold and curt towards one another, but that they all managed to keep it together long enough to sign and left without making too big of a scene.
I drove up to the vacation house early yesterday to check out the damage and meet with the DA's office. Seeing the damage made my blood boil, it was so senseless. I was so pissed that I was ready to eat the cost of repairs and do everything I could to ruin their lives. Tried walking it off, failed utterly. Ended up calling a good friend who was kind enough to stay on the phone for over an hour letting me spew and vent. He eventually got me back to focusing on the bigger picture of putting this behind me and getting on with my life. Honestly I'm still not sure that's what I want to do but I settled down enough to get some food in me and I felt better.
After lunch I went he DA's office. Hadn't made an appointment and had to wait a while but got to meet with the assistant DA who's got the case. Short version is that since I don't want to prosecute and the BILs have already paid for the damages that they are willing to drop all the charges except trespassing, which in this case will be a class 2 misdemeanor. The BILs will have to plead guilty and pay whatever fine the judge sets. I'm also told that if they fight the trespassing charge or ever so much as fart in public up there that it would go very poorly for them. It helped that the BILs didn't resist arrest, if they had none of the charges would have been dropped.
I also went by the sheriff's office to thank them for getting there so quickly and everything. Wanted to thank the deputies personally but only spoke to the dispatch person. And I tried to meet up with David (the property manager) but couldn't get hold of him.
A couple of notes: The agreement includes a no contact clause. Basically if any of them show up where my wife or I are (or the other way around) whoever got there last has to leave immediately. No contact except through attorneys or other "mutually agreed upon third parties". They get to keep whatever they made from renting the vacation house (my big "give") unless I have tax consequences which they will be responsible for. And we release each other from all other liabilities up through the present. There's more to it than that but those are the high points.
Wife and I will sign the agreement later today. After that I can't talk about most of this but I can talk around it.
I think this is my final update regarding all this nonsense but I'll respond to comments if I can. As I've said before, posting about all of this and reading folks thoughts and responses has been really helpful and has probably been key in my being able to handle this in a relatively healthy way. So thank you all again. AreWeDrunkYet fucked around with this message at 09:41 on Jan 18, 2024
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Jan 18, 2024 06:45
