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Jim records an hour of intermittent coughing and hides tiny speakers playing the sound on loop around the office, Dwight's urologist, the soup kitchen, Dwight's favorite restaurant, and the book store where he gets his imported copies of Beet Farmer Unlimited Saga - Go For It Again! delivered. Dwight is slightly on edge everywhere he goes, worried someone might cough on him or give him some kind of illness.
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Jan 25, 2024 16:06
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At each weekly visit, Dwight’s urologist Dr. Curologist (Jim), subjects him, Dwight, to an increasingly larger diameter catheter.
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Jan 25, 2024 16:12
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Jim trains a hermit crab to snip off Dwight's toes, then releases it into the wild.
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Jan 25, 2024 17:48
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Jim raises a gaggle of geese, training them to be especially territorial and violent. He also feeds them nothing but Famous Original Jim's pizza, ensuring that their waste is especially toxic and repugnant. He then releases the geese on Schrute Farms, cackling that Dwight's about to "play Angry Birds for real".
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Jan 26, 2024 15:13
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Jim replaces Dwight’s cock ring with a swarm of bees
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Jan 26, 2024 15:26
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Jim has spent four thousand years in his own personal version of Hell: long, calm discussions about adult relationships with Rashida Jones. "Why do you think you had such a visceral reaction when the Purse Girl said she had been a cheerleader in high school? Isn't that the fantasy, Jim? Or was it an excuse for you to run away from your feelings?" "I don't wanna sit here any more!" cries Jim, "I'm hungry! Do you have any more packets of Gushers?" "You can eat candy once we're done talking about your adolescence. Were you popular in high school? Or were you resentful of the people that were?" Jim squirms in his reclining chair, but he is magically bound and unable to stand. "Please! I need to go to the bathroom! I'm hungry! I don't WANNA TALK ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIPS!" Rashida scribbles a few notes in her pad and hums to herself. "Interesting, Jim. Earlier, you said that you 'value honesty' in your partner, and yet later, you explained that your ideal spouse would, and I'm quoting here, 'help me convince Dwight that CIA was sending him on a secret mission and make him destroy his phone'. Do you see a contradiction here?" "Please," begs Jim, "Send me back to the hot brimstone. I can't take any more." "Can't take. Is that what you think women are? Takers? Maybe that has to do more with your brothers. Let's talk about them..." Jim's screams can be heard as far away as the Jimmy Buffet Memorial Beet Garden, which Dwight is quietly tending.
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Jan 26, 2024 16:16
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Dwight gets to play "angry birds for real" when Jim straps Dwight to a giant slingshot and launches him half a mile through the air into a pigsty.
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Jan 26, 2024 16:29
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Jim brings an electric razor to work and, while Dwight is busy on a call, he buzzes off a chunk of Dwight's hair. "Wow, Dwight, haircut much? I've heard of a bad hair day, but a bad hair CUT?" He chuckles as Dwight finishes his call, then touches the new bald spot on the side of his head. He scowls at Jim, then heads to the bathroom to survey the damage. He's shocked, however, when he sees a strange birthmark revealed. It looks like two interlocked snakes creating an infinity symbol. Dwight finds this very odd, disturbing in fact, and tries to cover it up by combing over some of his hair. It's no use, however, and when he returns to his desk Jim can't stop staring at the birthmark. "Dwight, uh... listen. I might have gone too far here. But, uh, you don't need to make fun of my birthmark, okay? Seriously. I'm pretty self conscious about it." Jim then pushes aside a handful of floppy hair, revealing the same birthmark in the same spot. At his desk, Creed opens a drawer and pulls out an ancient, leather-bound book. "So it begins!" he says, opening the book.
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Jan 26, 2024 16:38
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Jim asks Dwight for a detailed explanation of who Sauron is and what his relationship is with Morgoth, the sits down. Dwight looks at his "to do" list, which is pretty massive. Then he looks back at Jim, who has a notebook and paper ready. Dwight sighs, then asks if Jim is already aware of the 40 Year War of Wrath. "Not a clue, bud, you're gonna have to explain to that me, I guess." Jim mugs for the camera as Dwight begins what will turn out to be a 6 hour long lecture.
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Jan 26, 2024 18:31
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Jim measures Dwight’s penis with a 3/4 scale tape, shattering Dwight’s self-confidence.
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Jan 26, 2024 18:38
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A Fancy Hat posted:Jim brings an electric razor to work and, while Dwight is busy on a call, he buzzes off a chunk of Dwight's hair. Two exotic snakes leap out of Creed's book, each of them latching directly onto one of Dwight's testicles. Jim and Creed high five as Dwight rolls around in agony.
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Jan 26, 2024 20:42
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Jim tells Dwight that “Batman is outside”. Dwight ignores this, saying that he’s not going to fall for that one and leave his computer unattended. Jim frowns. “Dang, I guess I need up to my game next time. You got me this time, Dwight.” Meanwhile, just outside of the office, Michael Keaton happily walks by. He’s in a particularly good mood today, one that would have led him to sign autographs, answer questions, and even hug anyone who approached him. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Jan 27, 2024 14:42
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Jim dies and is sent to hell. When he gets there the Devil says sorry we’re all out of space - but if you want you can take over the spot of the last person who got here… Barack Obama! Jim says no thanks. (Dwight shakes his head. His grandmother’s emails are getting stranger and stranger.)
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Jan 27, 2024 17:10
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Jim becomes the co-manager of a hotel in hell, along with Satan. His salary is eighty thousand dollars. He accepts the position as a prank on Dwight, as he mistakenly believes that this is Dwight’s wildest dream. On his first day, Jim tries to fire Ruam, a temp demon who refuses to listen to him. When Ruam argues that Jim lacks the authority to fire him, Jim drags Ruam and his desk into a lava cave and leaves him there to burn for eternity.
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Jan 27, 2024 17:37
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Jim puts in Dwight's booking confirmation email that his check-in hours is at most at 12:00. Dwight then scrambles to get himself ready in the morning and arrives at the hotel with time to spare, just so he can have a nice afternoon before his convention in the evening. When Dwight arrives for his check-in, Jim slowly turns in his spinny chair and tells him that the check in starts at 15:00 instead. Jim mugs at the reception security camera.
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Jan 27, 2024 17:56
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Jim tells Dwight "Buster Keaton is outside." Dwight is well-aware that Buster Keaton, the famous silent-era comedian, has been dead since 1966. What's more, Dwight is sure Jim knows this as well. Why would Jim tell such a transparent lie? Unless... Jim somehow brought Buster Keaton back to life, in which case Dwight would miss the opportunity of a lifetime if he ignored Jim. But then again, Jim might be counting on Dwight thinking exactly that, only for it to turn out to be a double bluff and Jim will just laugh at Dwight when Dwight rushes outside to meet one of his heroes and sees nobody there. On the other hand, it might be a triple bluff, and Jim expects Dwight to ignore Jim and miss Buster Keaton... Dwight gets out a pen and paper and begins the tedious process of unraveling the nested bluffs within bluffs of Jim's prank. At length, Dwight finally determines that Buster Keaton really is outside. He rushes downstairs and out into the parking lot. Dwight looks around, at first seeing no one, but then he notices Buster Keaton's exhumed and moldering corpse lying in a heap in the middle of the parking lot. Dwight's shoulders droop. It was just another of Jim's cruel pranks after all. There's a sudden cracking and crumbling sound from behind Dwight. Dwight turns around just in time to see the face of the Dunder Mifflin building collapsing forward. Dwight screams as the brick edifice comes tumbling down on top of him. Buster Keaton's corpse is perfectly safe because it happens to be lying exactly in the right spot for an open window to fall around it. Jim smirks as he scratches off another Dwight death from his Dwight death card.
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Jan 27, 2024 19:47
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Jim tells Dwight "Buster Bunny is outside." Dwight is well-aware that Buster Bunny, the adorable cartoon bunny from Tiny Toons, has been dead since 1996. What's more, Dwight is sure Jim knows this as well. Why would Jim tell such a transparent lie? Unless... Jim somehow brought Buster Bunny back to life, in which case Dwight would miss the opportunity of a lifetime if he ignored Jim. But then again, Jim might be counting on Dwight thinking exactly that, only for it to turn out to be a double bluff and Jim will just laugh at Dwight when Dwight rushes outside to meet one of his heroes and sees nobody there. Dwight spends hours calculating the likelihood that Jim can turn himself into an adorable cartoon bunny and also bring them to life. While he is busy scribbling calculations on a scratchpad, Jim sneaks a lit bundle of dynamite into the back of Dwight’s pants. Smash cut to the conference room, where Jim is silently smirking directly into the camera. The muffled sound of an explosion can be heard from outside, and a mass of bloody viscera smacks the glass panel from the other side and slowly slides down the glass behind Jim. He pulls out a pen and paper, and makes a quick mark on it before looking back at the camera with a satisfied expression.
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Jan 27, 2024 20:23
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Jim turns Dwight into a goat, milks goat-Dwight, makes cheese from the milk, and serves it at an office potluck. Dwight experiences a chilling sense of deja vu as he eats the cheese. Don't ask how Jim was able to do this, his power is vast and incomprehensible.
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Jan 27, 2024 20:27
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Jim tells Dwight "Buster Baxter is outside." Dwight is well-aware that Buster Baxter, the dweeby cartoon bunny from the long-running PBS series Arthur, has been dead since 2022. What's more, Dwight is sure Jim knows this as well. Why would Jim tell such a transparent lie? Unless... Jim is referring to a costumed mascot portraying Buster Baxter, which would be perfectly plausible within Dwight's understanding of both logic and reality. But why would a PBS television mascot be outside a random office park in Scanton Pennsylvania of all places? After doing some quick calculations on his notepad, Dwight determines Jim is attempting a nested quadruple bluff and that the most sensible thing to do is not to go out and investigate. Jim goes to the window and looks out. "I think he's waiting for you, Dwight," says Jim. Dwight scoffs, certain there's nobody out there. Or, if there is somebody out there in a mascot costume, he's a goon hired to kick Dwight in the balls. "Well I'm not going out there," says Dwight. "What do you want me to tell Buster Baxter?" asks Jim. Dwight gives Jim a long and detailed list of family-unfriendly things Jim can tell this so-called "Buster Baxter." Jim goes outside where a PBS camera crew is waiting to film the Buster Baxter mascot handing Dwight a lifetime achievement award and giant novelty check for $250 in recognition of Dwight's work with orphans. "Sorry, guys, but Dwight says—" Jim proceeds to repeat everything Dwight just said about Buster Baxter, mugging into the PBS cameras the entire time.
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Jan 28, 2024 01:10
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Jim, the comanager in hell, convinces everyone to let him turn it into an exact recreation of Universal Studios Florida, which Jim assures Satan, "is Dwight's version of Hell." Renovations take years and cost millions of souls, but finally they are complete. "Oh, yeah, Dwight's really gonna hate this," says Jim. "Let me just test it out to make sure it's bad enough for him." Jim spends the next one million years dancing with costumed Minions in Minions Land, the first non-smirky smile of genuine joy he's ever made plastered on his face the entire time.
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Jan 28, 2024 05:05
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Jim tells Dwight "Anne Baxter is outside." Dwight is well-aware that Anne Baxter, the golden age of Hollywood actress known for All About Eve and The Ten Commandments, has been dead since 1985. What's more, Dwight is sure Jim knows this as well. Why would Jim tell such a transparent lie? Unless... Jim somehow brought Anne Baxter back to life, in which case Dwight would miss the opportunity of a lifetime if he ignored Jim. But then again, Jim might be counting on Dwight thinking exactly that, only for it to turn out to be a double bluff and Jim will just laugh at Dwight when Dwight rushes outside to meet one of his heroes and sees nobody there. Dwight spends hours calculating the likelihood that Jim could bring the granddaughter of architect Frank Lloyd Wright who built her own career acting in roles that ranged from the scheming ingenue Eve Harrington in "All About Eve" to "Victoria Cabot" in the ABC TV show, "Hotel." back to life, and that she would waste her precious time after resurrection in Scranton, Pennsylvania. He ultimately determines that, given Jim's apparently unlimited control of time and space, such powers are certainly within the realm of possibility. He walks out to the parking lot. Jim follows behind and laughs at Dwight. "What a maroon! Anne Baxter has been dead for forty years, you big dummy! I just said the first person named 'Baxter' I could think of! I can't believe you fell for it!" Jim walks inside, leaving Dwight to feel sadly defeated.
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Jan 28, 2024 05:16
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Jim squeezes a huge dollup of dish soap into Dwight's coffee while Dwight is in the bathroom, afflicting Dwight with the Poisoned status effect.
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Jan 28, 2024 07:02
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After Jim and Dwight, for once, work together to complete a lucrative sales deal, Jim extends his hand for a shake to commemorate a job well done. However, Dwight notices the obvious buzzer on Jim’s hand. Dwight scoffs and shakes his head, proclaiming to Jim that “you aren’t going to make a monkey out of me.” Taking this as a challenge, Jim travels back in time to Dwight’s birth. He kidnaps baby Dwight from the nursery just as he is born, and makes the long journey to the jungles of the Congo. He abandons baby Dwight near a family of chimps, and then travels back to the present. Jim sits back down at his desk next to a seemingly normal Dwight, and extends his hand for a shake again. Dwight immediately clasps his hand with a strong thrust, and lets out a loud shriek as he is shocked. Dwight begins to go “ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo AAA AAA AAA AAA!!!!!” as he stands up on his chair and begins bobbing up and down. He then leaps on Jim, and begins to savagely beat the living poo poo out of him. Jim mugs the camera just before his nose and lips get bitten off.
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Jan 28, 2024 08:01
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Jim tells Dwight "Baxter Stockman is outside." Dwight is well-aware that Baxter Stockman, a recurring antagonist of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles who is typically portrayed as a mad scientist and/or human fly, is a fictional character. He's seldom even portrayed in a live-action format. What's more, Dwight is sure Jim knows this as well. Why would Jim tell such a transparent lie? Unless... Jim somehow recruited a Ninja Turtles fan into cosplaying a prominent villain from the series. It's not exactly far-fetched, as Stockman has been a recurring character for decades and had a somewhat significant role in last year's Ninja Turtles film. Jim's obsessions with Mars Needs Moms and Minions--not to mention his spousal obligations to be a Disney adult--have given him an intimate understanding of how to navigate fandom communities. And that's just the most mundane explanation Dwight can conjure up. Dunder Mifflin recently took on the Lackawanna River Basin Sewer Authority as a client, and Jim's come back to the office smelling of sewage more than once. That's not to mention all of Jim's inexplicable invoices from the Tioga County Research Institute, which is only an afternoon's drive away but well outside Dunder Mifflin's sales range. TCRI... why does that sound so familiar? But after Dwight concludes he wouldn't put any of these possibilities past Jim, he realizes he hasn't addressed the threshold question of whether he'd even WANT to meet Stockman. At best, he'll find a sociopathic and sadistic scientist in the parking lot, if not an open-air encounter with a grotesque mutant housefly. Besides, Dwight pulled a muscle in his back tending the beet fields over the weekend, and it just doesn't seem worth a walk up and down the steps, or even over to the windows. Dwight, who has been gazing into the middle distance for an uncomfortably long time, ultimately furrows his brows and says "I'll pass." Jim smirks and says "Don't worry, Dwight. It'll be fun, I promise. And totally safe." Then, with a sly grin, he adds "I wouldn't hurt a fly." Dwight shrugs, and Jim's voice takes on a nagging, pleading quality. "Come ooonnn Dwight! What are you worried about? It'll be fun! I hear there's a lot of BUZZ going around about this." Dwight further demurs and barely seems to be paying attention as he resumes typing. Jim, who has been holding a flyswatter behind his back at an awkward angle this entire time, sputters something about Dwight being no fun. He moves to toss the flyswatter back in his desk, but his arm has fallen asleep and he roughly bangs it against the metal drawer. Jim doubles over in pain and lets out bleeped expletives as he rubs his elbow. In a talking head, Dwight says "I'm actually a big fan of Baxter Stockman's portrayal in the first animated series. But Jim was giving me the hard sell, and a Schrute doesn't take kindly to bullying. Besides, everyone knows you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." Crescent Wrench fucked around with this message at 16:41 on Jan 28, 2024 |
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Jan 28, 2024 14:18
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Jim fills Dwight's desk drawers with honey. Dwight comes back to work after a long weekend to find the office swarming with flies.
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Jan 28, 2024 16:10
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Jim fills Dwight's desk with vinegar. Dwight comes back to work after a long weekend to find the office containing a small scattering of particularly perverse flies. "Oh yeah", one of the flies says in a talking head segment. "We love it sour" The pervert fly mugs the camera.
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Jan 28, 2024 16:22
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Jim fills Dwight's computer tower with honey. Dwight comes back from a long weekend and discovers he is unable to access any of his files. Also his desk is swarming with flies. Jim, nude except for a red t-shirt and guzzling honey from a large ceramic pot labeled "hunny," mugs for the camera. (This episode was banned in China.)
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Jan 28, 2024 17:26
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Jim learns about the concept of "hedging" and is fascinated by it. The next day while Dwight is on his phone inviting friends and family for his 50th birthday Jim hits him over his head with a crow bar and takes Dwight's unlocked phone. He then proceeds to call all of Dwight’s contacts stating that by law he is required to tell that Dwight has been placed on the sex offender list. In the background Dwight lies motionless while a puddle of blood forms around his head. In a talking head segment Jim explains: "Either Dwight dies or he will have to celebrate his birthday alone. In any case a successful prank."
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Jan 28, 2024 18:09
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Jim fills Dwight's desk drawers with money. As Dwight starts spending that money for the betterment of Scranton, the FBI audits his accounts and charges him with money counterfeiting. Jim mugs at the other side of the anonymous tip hotline call.
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Jan 28, 2024 19:12
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Jim fills Dwight's desk drawers with baloney
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Jan 29, 2024 05:04
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Jim fills Dwight’s drawers (trousers) with baloney.
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Jan 29, 2024 05:14
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Jim meets Dwight for the first time and they become fast friends. By the end of the first year working together they've started their own company selling balloon and balloon accessories. They invent a mascot for the company, Balloon Boy. Dwight helps Jim get the courage to ask out their former coworker Pam.
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Jan 29, 2024 05:16
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A visibly drunk Pam walks on stage and grabs a microphone at the office's quarterly award ceremony. "Lisssen to me, lisseeen. Jim... he don't... he's, oh God, please. Please somebody stop him. Somebody, please." Applebee's security drags Pam away while Jim stands up, looking slightly embarassed. "Jeez, sorry about that, guys. Those dollar-ritas really hit hard, right? I'll take Pam home, see you guys on Monday." The employees of Biddle and Sons Paper Akron are slightly uncomfortable. Ever since the Halperts transferred here a few months ago things have been... odd. To say the least. Things to missing in the office, usually turning up encased in gelatin. Pam, the new receptionist, doesn't seem to really understand how to do her job. And Jim, the new salesmen, just seems to give off strange vibes. The final award is given out (to Kimberly Hoffsetter, for Best Email Signature) and the night wraps up. Everyone heads home, including new intern Camille. As she's driving home she sees Jim and Pam's car broken down on the side of the highway. She pulls over, eager to help. Jim spots her immediately and runs his hand through his unkept mane of hair. "Hey Camille, jeez, this is kind of embarrassing. The trunk latch came loose while we were driving home, I think maybe Pam pulled the lever. Now I can't get it to click back into place. Could you maybe take a look? I was waiting for AAA to show up but, well, you might just save me a lot of hard work and headaches. C'mere." Jim leads her to the back of the car and shines his flashlight on the trunk. For a moment, Camille is able to see inside. There are dozens, maybe hundreds of DVDs sitting in there. She recognizes a Minion on some of them but a few look weird, with CGI characters she's never seen. One kind of looks like Seth Green. "Sorry, it's a bit of a mess," Jim says in a kind voice. "Here, look how it doesn't close." Jim puts the flashlight between his teeth, then puts his hands (which Camille realizes are almost disturbingly thin) on the trunk. He weakly tries to close the trunk, but the latch refuses to catch. "Shee wah I me?" Jim says, the flashlight still in his mouth. "Here, wait," Camille says, grabbing the trunk. "I think you just need to close it with a little more force." Eager to help (such is the plight of the intern) Camille lifts the trunk up. That's when Jim, a wicked grin on his face, smashes the flashlight against the back of her head, knocking her unconscious. Jim quickly slides her into the back of the car while a barely conscious Pam thrashes in the front seat, moaning and howling like a lunatic. "Jeez, Pam. I've heard of a backseat driver, but a frontseat moaner?" Jim drives off into the night, eventually pulling up to the New Halpert House, a secluded ranch-style home far away from prying eyes. Pam has passed out at this point and Jim drags her lifeless body into the living room, setting her up in front of the television and putting in a well-worn VHS tape; an old Disney resort vacation guide from 1997. Still grinning like a skull, Jim then returns to the car and finds Camille. He lifts her like a sack of potatoes over one shoulder, then takes her into the garage. Hours later, a beam of sunlight streaks in and rouses Camille from unconsciousness. She looks around in horror, finding herself strapped to an office chair in a filthy, dingy, dirty garage. In front of her is a toaster oven, plugged into an orange extension cord that connects to an outlet on the wall. Sitting next to that is a frozen cheese pita. "You just gotta make the pita," comes an inhuman voice from the corner of the room. Camille jumps, startled by it. "You gotta make the pita in the toaster oven. Get it?" Camille nods. As she does, two claw-like hands reach over her shoulders and free her from the chair. "Don't turn around. Heh. Wouldn't be good for you. Just go make the pita." Shaking and convinced that she'll never leave this place alive, Camille the intern slowly walks forward. She grabs the cheese pita, unwraps it, and puts it in the toaster oven. "Set it to 'oven', instead of 'toaster'," comes the inhuman voice from behind her. "That's how it happened the first time." She does as commanded and sits there. "I-is that it? A-am I allowed to go yet?" Camille asks in a shaky voice. "Almost." After a few minutes, the pita begins to burn. Smoke billows forth from it, filling the toaster oven. Then it begins to fill the garage. A smoke alarm sounds from somewhere. "Oh no," comes the strange voice. "We better evacuate! Everybody get outta here!" Closing her eyes, forcing herself not to look at whatever has dragged her to this hell on Earth, Camillle rushes forward and feels around the wall. Her hand brushes by something that lets out a hideous squeak, then finds a doorknob. Blessedly, it's unlocked, and she escapes to fresh air and sunlight. She falls to her knees and opens her eyes, letting the sunlight hit her and freedom wash over her. She looks back at the garage, which is now almost completely filled with smoke. A dark figure passes by the open door, moving so fast she can barely register it. It's floppy, floppier than a human being, and she recoils in primal fear of what she's witnessed. Realizing this may be her only escape, Camille runs across the driveway and towards the road. As she runs, she hears a raspy voice coming from behind her. "Camille started the fire It just started burning, Hey the temp's still learning Camille started the fire But he didn't hide it Because Dwight did find it" Camille flags down a passing motorist and thinks, for a moment, of telling her about what she witnessed. Then she thinks of that voice and that floppy figure and thinks better. Instead, she asks for a ride back to her car, saying that she had a little too much to drink last night and hitched a ride with a friend. Back in Scranton, Michael calls Dwight in for a private meeting. "Dwight, we think there might have been a sighting of Jim and Pam at an Applebee's in Akron. Nothing confirmed yet, but apparently a drunken woman got on stage and made a big scene. There's a video that hit social media, it's blurry as all hell but it could be Pam." Dwight pulls a cigarette out of his pocket. It's been a long time since he's had one, but he needs one right now. He lights it and takes a long drag. His hand is still shaking, though. He asks Michael what comes next. "Charles Miner's already dispatched a team out there. They're looking for any unusual spikes in gelatin sales, big increases in monkey food sales, that kind of stuff. I don't... I don't want to alarm you. I know we've had these false alarms before. But this one... this one feels a little more real to me." Dwight takes another drag of his cigarette and says he agrees. But, of course, there's one way to know for sure. "Dwight, nobody's asking you to go there. You've had to sacrifice so much," Michael instinctively looks at the eyepatch on Dwight's left eye, then catches himself. "We can't... nobody's expecting you to do this. We have a team set up now." Dwight slams his fist on Michael's desk, then asks Michael to remember what happened the last time a team tried to contain Jim. 3 dead, 8 others brutally pranked. There wasn't enough left of one guy to even have an open-casket funeral, they could have buried him in a drat coffee mug. "Dwight," Michael says, sadly, "I just... I don't want to lose you. You're my best friend. Another battle with Jim means a fight to the death, doesn't it?" Dwight composes himself, then shakes his head. No, it's not a battle to the death, not this time. Dwight has too much to live for. His wife Angela. His soon to be born son. And, of course, his role as Assistant Regional Manager. "Assistant TO the Regional Manager," Michael adds. Dwight says he needs to get moving, quickly. Michael says that corporate has already approved a rental car for the trip. Dwight smiles a sly smile. He has an idea for something a bit... faster. He whistles and there comes a mighty flapping of wings. Outside the window is Little Champion, clutching Dwight's mighty katana in his beak. Dwight opens the window, hops on his back, and they fly off into the sky. "God speed, Dwight. God speed," Michael says, solemnly. He wipes away a tear, then Creed walks into the office. "Hey, Boss. Listen, I don't know what the plan is for my birthday this year, but there's this new place called Nothing Bundt Cakes. And they've got this Red Velvet Bundt Cake." "Oooooh, that does sound good. Creed, buddy, you got it."
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Jan 29, 2024 15:32
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jim, thoroughly unwilling to read all of that, smears dogshit on the handle of dwight's driver side car door
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Jan 29, 2024 16:44
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Jim releases a series of "Abridged Pranks" in which he edits previous pranks down to "just the funny bits" and overdubs them with new "quippy" dialogue. Dwight, driven mad by both the re-use of old pranks and Jim's ability to alter time and space around him, screams into the abyss and finds nothing at the end of time except more pranks.
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Jan 29, 2024 16:55
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Jim, dressed as a dog, takes a poo poo on Dwight’s lawn. Pam, dressed as Pam, shouts “No! Bad Jim!” before putting the steaming turd in a poo bag and dropping it in a proper trash receptacle. Dog Jim pants for the camera.
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Jan 29, 2024 17:09
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"So, what do you think?" asks Stephen King. Stephen King's publisher pinches the bridge of his nose. He (King's Publisher) has started chewing aspirin again. He knows you're not supposed to, but it seems like the only way to stop these headaches he's been getting lately. "Steve." The publisher gestures emptily with his hands for a moment. "I spoke to NBC, they're just not interested in a series of extended universe novels set in the Office, not even one written by Stephen King." "Did they read the manuscript?" asked Stephen King. "There's a lot of fun pranks for Jim to play on Dwight in there." "Yeah they... they read it, Steve." Stephen King's publisher runs his hands through his thinning hair. "Steve, what about your book? Huh? The book you were writing about the nurse who works in the haunted NICU?" King's expression brightens. "Hey, that would be a pretty good idea for a prank, right? If Jim trapped Dwight in a haunted NICU?" For a moment, Stephen King's publisher thinks he sees a floppy figure leering at him from a corner of the office, but when he looks there is nothing there. He feels another headache coming on. Taffy Jr. fucked around with this message at 18:26 on Jan 29, 2024 |
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Jan 29, 2024 18:19
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John Wick of Dogs posted:Jim meets Dwight for the first time and they become fast friends. By the end of the first year working together they've started their own company selling balloon and balloon accessories. They invent a mascot for the company, Balloon Boy. Mods?
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Jan 29, 2024 19:40
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Dwight the Mustard Yellow, a mighty wizard of Middle-Scranton, fears a growing evil in the East. Seeking guidance, he heads to Jim the White, the leader of the wizard's counsel and greatest magical force in all of Middle-Scranton. As he arrives, he notices that Jimis gazing intently into a crystal sphere. He asks Jim what exactly is going on. Jim jumps, startled, and then turns around. He quickly passes a velvet cloth over the orb, hiding it from view. "Oh, uh, hey there Ballon Boy. I was just, uh... cleaning this table. What... what's up?" Dwight explains the premonitions he's been seeing, the signs and ill portents that seem to point towards a climactic battle on the horizon. There's talk of blood-red sunrises and strange creatures in the South, while the dwarves of the northern mountain ranges speak of the return of the wicked dragons, thought long-dead. "Oh, yeah, that's loving nuts, Dwight. Wow. Uh... listen, we should totally get on top of that. Over there in the corner, I have a big book that should help with... all of that. Can you go over there and grab it for me?" As Dwight the Mustard Yellow crosses the marble floor of Jim's mighty tower, Jim wacks him on the head with his wizard's staff. Dwight crumbles to the ground, unconscious, as Jim stands over him triumphantly. "Now, foolish conjurer, you shall know the true power of Prankon. You and, soon enough, all of Middle-Scranton!" Dwight wakes up an hour later and Jim has drawn a fake mustache on him with marker. A Fancy Hat fucked around with this message at 19:59 on Jan 29, 2024 |
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Jan 29, 2024 19:53
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| # ? May 28, 2024 00:54 |
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Jim pauses Dwight in time and space for a fraction of a microsecond. The lack of inertia as he unpauses, at odds with the rotation of the earth causes Dwight to immediately vaporise into a 14 mile long red smear
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Jan 29, 2024 20:26
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