|
Jim secretly ties a bunch of fishing line around the office and uses it to move things from his desk, claiming that a ghost is haunting the place. Dwight is skeptical at first until a full body apparition of Robert Mifflin appears, floats across the floor, then screams before fading away. Jim discretely points to a small projector and speaker he installed while the rest of the office is freaking out over this apparent supernatural entity. Dwight believes that Robert Mifflin's suicide left him with unfinished goals on this realm of existence and says that the only way to exorcise the spirit is to help him finish those goals. Jim says that sounds pretty logical, then suggests they use a Spirit Box to communicate. And, luckily enough, he has one at home. That night the scene is set, the employees of Dunder Mifflin huddle in an office lit only by a handful of candles. Jim has his Spirit Box and turns it on. There's nothing but static at first, but Jim asks the first question. "Is the spirit of Robert Mifflin with us right now?" The Spriit Box works as intended, rapidly tuning to different AM radio stations to play isolated snippets of dialogue. It also works exactly as Jim intended, using its prerecorded series of spooky phrases to help elevate the eerie atmosphere he's created. Yes... I... am... kzzzttt.... Robert. Jim makes an exaggerated shocked face, not unlike a youtube thumbnail, and then returns to his work. "Robert. We want you to pass on to the next world. What work have you left unfinished here?" I.... need... kzzttt.... to.... see... Dwight's.... kzzttt.... tiny.... wiener. Jim stifles a laugh but then turns to Dwight. "Well, Dwight. Show the ghost your tiny wiener so he can go to Heaven. By the way, ghosts are able to see everything so he's confirmed Dwight has a tiny wiener here." Disgusted, Dwight stands up and storms off, turning on the lights as he does. The rest of the office feels the same way, realizing that this is (somehow) one of Jim's pranks. Jim is left alone in the office with his Spirit Box and some candles, which he starts to blow out. As he does, however, the Spirit Box speaks again. Not... a... kzztt... good idea.... to... play with... kzzttt... the dead. Jim rolls his eyes and sighs. "Wow, real funny, Dwight. A little taste of my own medicine, right? The only thing is I know ghosts aren't real, moron." Jim turns around to see the ghost of Robert Mifflin, milky white eyes rolling in their sockets. The gunshot wound to the head that killed Robert leaks a black, cloudy substance that floats into the air and disappears like fog. Robert's face is full of anguish and horror, a man who has seen beyond the boundaries of mortal life but has been denied passage to those Elysian shores. A skeletal hand, nearly transparent, rises and brushes Jim's cheek. Jim feels the chill of the grave in that hand and passes out in fear. In the morning, Jim is awoken by Oscar prodding him with a broom handle. "Nngghh... what? Oscar? What time is it?" "It's 9 am, Jim. You must have gotten drunk and passed out. I know you're real happy about pranking us all with this ghost nonsense, but just look at yourself." "I don't drink, Oscar," Jim says, standing up and stretching. "So why do you think I -" Jim looks down to see he's pissed himself with fear. He lets out a girlish screech and runs out of the office. With that, the spirit of Robert Mifflin is freed from his confinement on Earth and passes on to whatever fate awaits him.
|
#
?
Feb 5, 2024 15:20
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 31, 2024 22:23 |
|
|
Oscar and Kevin have spent most of the morning discussing their "Bros Movie Night" from the previous weekend. "Oscar, I just don't get it. So the aliens just land on Earth, that's fine, I get that. But it feels like they didn't even factor in just how long a distance it is between Earth and another planet, let alone another UNEXPLORED planet." Jim's ears perk up and be begins to listen as Oscar adds his commentary. "It's definitely a plot hole. I just think the whole franchise is a case where you kind of shut your brain off and forget about it. They're perfectly fine popcorn movies." "Except the whiteboard!" "Yeah," Oscar says with a laugh, "the whiteboard is pretty dumb." With that, Jim stands up and marches over to the accounting department. "Actually that whiteboard is pretty genius. How else are you supposed to know he's working to stop the Death Angels?" "I mean, by watching the movie, Jim," Kevin says, "I don't need them to hold my hand here. Obviously he's trying to stop them. When you get home, do you have a big whiteboard that says 'pay electric bill' and then you circle it a few times?" Jim frowns. He does have that, but apparently he'd get mocked for bringing that up. Instead he pivots to another topic. "And they came to Earth via faster than light travel, Kev. That's how they moved so far in such a short distance." "They survived FTL travel, Jim? They can get blown up by a hearing aid but they're tough enough for that? Ohhhhkay, sure." "NO! Listen," Jim says unbuttoning the top button on his shirt as he sweats through his shirt. "they are from a planet where they hyper evolved to adapt! They adapted to having no light by becoming immune to the light, so faster than light travel doesn't affect them!" Kevin and Oscar look at each other and roll their eyes. "You know, Jim," Oscar adds with a smile, "that whole evolving on a harsh planet thing sounds an awful lot like the DC Comics character Doomsday to me." "Yeah well I'm not some loving nerd so I wouldn't know. Jesus." Jim storms back to his desk as Kevin and Oscar share a quick high-five. Jim sits for a moment, pretends to type, then gives up. He leans over to Oscar and Kevin again. "You know general audiences love those movies. It's not for snobs like you to dissect every frame of it." "Yeah" Kevin says with a smile, "we can tell."
|
|
#
?
Feb 5, 2024 16:50
|
|
|
a pack of several dozen scampering Jims descend on Dwight, dragging him into the woods as he screams and tries desperately to escape a few metal fillings found in reeking piles of Jimspoor are all that remains
|
|
#
?
Feb 5, 2024 16:53
|
|
|
Jim spins a cardboard spiral in front of Dwight's face for twenty seconds, causing Dwight to momentarily experience the illusion that the world is receding from him. Just then a rope tied to the back of Dwight's chair pulls taut and he is yanked backwards out of the office, down the stairs and out into the street by a monster truck.
|
|
#
?
Feb 5, 2024 21:47
|
|
|
Jim reverses Dwight’s toilet so every time it’s flushed, it sprays it right back in the user’s face. Even with Dwight’s incredibly efficient and environmentally friendly low-flow toilet, this is still a lot of wastewater being sprayed. Dwight hires a plumber who is unfortunately unaware of the toilet having been reversed, so his attempts to fix it prove useless. He suggests that Dwight invest in a new toilet, possibly one of those very fancy Japanese ones, and he’ll install it at no cost to Dwight. Dwight agrees and buys the Super D Toilet XLS; a top of the line toilet that also acts as a bidet and can collect urine and stool samples for analysis by a medical professional. Jim secretly reverses this toilet, too, even before Dwight has a chance to use it. Dwight, unaware of Jim’s prank, decides to collect a stool and urine sample. However, as he’s on the toilet, he hears a knock at the front door. He quickly rushes down and finds a man dressed in hospital scrubs. “Is this the Schrute residence? I was told to drop off a stool and urine sample here that needs analysis.” Dwight is busy trying to explain what’s going on so he doesn’t hear the toilet spraying wastewater upstairs, eventually flooding the entire second floor and causing it to collapse onto the first floor. The toilet then violent exploded, sending porcelain shards everywhere.
|
|
#
?
Feb 5, 2024 23:16
|
|
|
Jim grabs at Dwight's face. "Got your nose", he says. Jim refuses to give Dwight his nose back. Dwight is distracted for the rest of the day and gets no work done.
|
|
#
?
Feb 5, 2024 23:20
|
|
|
Jim claims to have created an “infinite stapler” by making the little staple track thingy into an infinity symbol. “That way you never run out,” he adds, matter of factly. When Dwight asks to see this stapler Jim hucks it full-speed at his crotch.
|
|
#
?
Feb 5, 2024 23:23
|
|
|
Jim buys a dryer filter exactly like the filter in Dwight's dryer. Whenever Dwight dries a load of laundry, Jim sneaks in and swaps out the dirty filter with the clean one. Then he swaps the dirty filter back after Dwight thinks he's cleaned the filter. Jim mugs for the camera as Dwight's dryer catches fire six weeks later.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 00:38
|
|
|
Jim reverses Dwight's washing machine, making Dwight's clothes even dirtier than when they came in. Jim also almost reverses Dwight's dryer, but he realizes it's easier to just dump a bucket of water in it instead.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 04:12
|
|
|
Jim reverses Dwight’s car, backing the Trans Am through the garage doors and causing thousands of dollars of damage.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 04:30
|
|
|
Jim reverses Dwight's paper causing all of his personal documents and records and all of the paper he's selling to become negative images of whatever is printed on them. Dwight suddenly impresses a new client with his now white background with a futuristic plastic surface business cards lettered with a sensible font.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 05:00
|
|
|
"You know Dwight, they say comedy and horror are two sides of the same coin. Guess we're about to find out!" Jim laughs as he yanks a huge lever. Dwight, strapped to a giant coin, is launched into the air toward two pits, one full of silly circus clowns, the other, full of scary murderous clowns. Jim mugs for the camera and flips his trademark "double headed" coin, which has a portrait of Jim mugging on both sides.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 05:12
|
|
|
Jim, while wearing a yoga, says “It is sometimes the wont of the immortal gods to allow those guilty individuals whom they wish to punish, a greater prosperity and longer impunity, so that they may suffer all the more severely from a sudden reverse,” before lunging at Dwight with a knife.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 05:32
|
|
|
Jim reverses Dwight. Dwight suddenly finds the whole world running backwards, his hearing only picking up booming bass and women somehow becoming second-rate background characters. Dwight then suffocates because normal oxygen cannot enter his reversed lungs.
Erasable Penis fucked around with this message at 10:45 on Feb 6, 2024 |
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 08:50
|
|
|
Jim once again steals Dwight's piss
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 09:40
|
|
|
Jim makes Dwight choose between two modelled approximations of his maternal parent, a 'cloth mother' and a 'wire mother'.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 09:55
|
|
|
Inspired by Elon Musk, Jim removes the circuit board from the office coffeemaker and prepares to install it in Dwight’s brain.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 12:12
|
|
|
Inspired by Elon Musk, Jim dons a Waluigi costume and claims to be the founder of Dunder Mifflin. Jim inexplicably becomes a billionaire. Meanwhile Dwight is forced to work in an emerald mine to make ends meet. Jim smirks at the camera by turning the corners of his mouth downwards.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 12:53
|
|
|
Inspired by Elon Musk, Jim purchases WUPHF, the everything app, from Ryan
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 12:57
|
|
|
Inspired by Elon Musk, Jim invests in a new "CYBER BED", a metallic monstrosity of a bed that's less comfortable than a normal bed and appears to have been designed by someone who has never even seen a bed. Jim sleeps horribly for days, tossing and turning and waking up with horrible open wounds from the metallic sharp edges. Despite this, he insists that it's "the most kickass bed ever made". Dwight asks if it's better than Jim's old racecar bed and Jim, wiping a tear away from his left eye, insists that it is. "Hey, Jim? They just recalled those Cyber Beds," Michale says, looking at his cell phone, "turns out they cause testicular cancer somehow. Weird." Jim mugs for the camera.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 14:00
|
|
|
dwight wonders why there is an entire polish village in the office, notable for being the birthplace of Adolf Hitler's bodyguard and valet
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 14:07
|
|
|
Dwight introduces everyone to Michale, the new intern at the office. Jim says that he's "redundant" and doesn't really add anything to the office at this point. "I dunno about that, Mr. Halpert. Can anyone else in the office do THIS?" With that, Michale stretches both of his arms out and confetti shoots out from the palms of his hands. "Heh," Jim says with a smile, "I guess not. Okay, you can stay."
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 14:11
|
|
|
Piss-Loving Jim (the Jim who “just loves “piss!” more than any other Jim) tricks Dwight into giving away all of his precious piss for free.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 14:30
|
|
|
Dwight uses his superior sales negotiation techniques to lock Trump-Loving Jim (the Jim who “just loves “TRUMP!” more than any other Jim) into paying well above market rates for piss. Dwight turns and smirks at the camera, “Art of the Deal.”
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 14:32
|
|
|
Jim uses his piss-stealing antics as cover for the fact that he is also stealing Dwight’s poop.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 14:35
|
|
|
Michale, the vaguely racist french intern (he is wearing a beret and a striped suit, smoking indoors, and whenever he's on camera there's a vague hint of an accordion playing) sparks a debate whether you can be racist towards French mainlanders. Dwight loses a big sale due to the background noise on the call. Jim mugs for the camera, while Michale hon hons to it.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 14:35
|
|
|
Michale, the vaguely racist French intern, gives Jim testicular cancer by smoking indoors. Dwight also develops testicular cancer but it's because Jim slipped a "cancer pill" into Dwight's coffee that morning. Fortunately, due to Dwight's biweekly (once every two weeks) visits to the urologist, Dr. Curologist discovers Dwight's cancer at a very early stage and is able to treat it with only minimal loss to functionality. Jim and Michale both mug for the camera with cigarettes dangling precariously from their lower lips. Taffy Jr. fucked around with this message at 15:00 on Feb 6, 2024 |
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 14:57
|
|
|
Jim keeps using the word “biweekly” to mean “twice per week”. He abuses his power as co-manager/founder/paper emperor of Dunder-Mifflin to create mandatory “biweekly” meetings where everyone has to look at fun tweets @Jim made at Dwight over the last few days and laugh (or be fired). Unfortunately for Jim, he shows up to two meetings in a row where nobody comes (due to the rest of the office understanding “biweekly” to mean every two weeks) and Jim is found hanging from the rafters by his sloppily-bound tie.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 15:33
|
|
|
Jim's frenemy status with Michale begins to become more antagonistic. "I've made things bigger than you vanish, Michale." Jim steps around the room as Michale, smoking a cigarette, coldly listens to vinyl record on a vintage portable record player. "Chips? You barely hear about him anymore. Not even Dwight remembers Little Champion. There's an entire landfill full of my own former classmates. You're not special, Michale. You're a fad, a joke. In a month people won't remember you. You understand me? You're no--" At that moment, Dwight walks into the office, weeping and staring at Michale with a burning passion in his eyes. "Michale I---!" Dwight impotently sits down at his desk and forces himself to calm down. "I-I want to... CONGRATULATE you on your impending marriage to Angela. I hope you and the... kids... will be very happy at Schrute Farms." Michale arches his eyebrow at Dwight. "Maison Michale," Dwight corrects himself, barely holding back his tears. "Jim, I'm moving in with Mose out in the back acres, off the main property. Please forward your pranks there." "You need some recommendations for a racecar bed, buddy?" JIm looks at Dwight with some concern. "No... I bought a little zip-up tent thing that attaches to a mattress I got sitting on the floor for some privacy." Dwight smiles, shamefully trying to say the words. "It's got Min... Minions on it." Michale quietly laughs at the childish antics of Jim and Dwight until Angela walks into the room and the pair (Michale, Angela) aggressively make out and slap one another to the smell of imported cigarettes and melancholy French love songs from the 50s.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 15:38
|
|
|
Jim denies Dwight the milk of human kindness.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 15:44
|
|
|
Dwight is put in charge of running the information desk for Dunder Mifflin at the annual Scranton Job Fair. Jim gives Dwight the wrong address, however, directing him towards the Bobby Rahall Memorial Convention Center instead of the Robby Bahall Memorial Convention Center. Dwight sets up his desk, unknowingly in the middle of Eastern Pennsylvania's 3rd largest tattoo convention. Jim giggles to himself all day at his desk, at one point snorting milk out of his nose (he wasn't even drinking milk) and drawing the ire of Oscar. "Jim, what the hell did you do to Dwight?" "Oh, not much Oscar the Grouch! Unless you think Dwight has a lot in common with.... pfft.... a buncha tattooed freakshows!" Jim bursts out in laughter and starts flapping his hands around while Oscar rolls his eyes and returns to work. A few hours later, Dwight shows back up to work with a smile on his face. Jim perks up immediately. "Haha, hey Dwight, how'd you like the tattoo crew?!?" Dwight says he liked them quite a bit, he has more job applications than last year AND he has something to show off to everyone. Dwight lifts his shirt up, revealing his washboard abs and a tattoo that says "BSG 4 LYFE". Jim faints while Dwight explains that one of the potential interns gave him this cool temporary Battlestar Galactica tattoo to show off their excellent penmanship. "It is really nice penmanship," Oscar adds.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 15:48
|
|
|
Jim calls Dwight a "paper tiger" in front of the entire UN security council, throwing the chamber into uproar. The squeaky shoe machine stomps on the table.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 15:55
|
|
|
Dwight opens his desk drawer to discover Michale has been encased in jello, Pam mugs the camera
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 15:59
|
|
|
Michale vetoes every attempt by Dwight to censure Jim for his genocidal pranks on the Tiny Jim’s.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 16:04
|
|
|
The office is in the midst of a lively discussion of history when Dwight refers to the firebombing of Dresden as a "tragedy" and an "outrage." No sooner have the words left Dwight's mouth than Jim gulps down one of Jim's magic beans and travels back in time to World War II. Jim reverses the firebombing of Dresden. The wreckage of shattered buildings rise up and reassemble themselves in flashes of fire. Pulverized bodies knit back together, bones made whole again and seared flesh restored to health. The fire draws together and concentrates into bombs which fly up into the bays of Allied aircraft flying backwards overhead. Below, a glistening city of art and music stands whole and healed. The Allied bomber squadrons fly backwards all the way to England and land at their airfields. The "Miracle of Dresden" wins the hearts and minds of the German people overnight, inspiring them to rise up and overthrow the Nazi regime that held their country and the world in a grip of terror. Many hundreds of thousands of lives are saved by the premature end of the war in Europe. Back in the present, the entire office erupts in outrage at Dwight's words, shaming him for his deplorable opinions. Dwight also retroactively fails his seventh grade book report on Slaughterhouse Five. Jim mugs for the camera before joining in with the rest of the office in hurling invective at Dwight.
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2024 16:17
|
|
|
Jim und Pam haben abwechselnd leidenschaftlichen Geschlechtsverkehr mit Dwights Hefter
|
|
#
?
Feb 7, 2024 02:50
|
|
|
naem posted:Jim und Pam haben abwechselnd leidenschaftlichen Geschlechtsverkehr mit Dwights Hefter "Uh in AMERICAN please!!!" Jim group texts the other Jims
|
|
#
?
Feb 7, 2024 03:00
|
|
|
Space Kablooey posted:"Uh in AMERICAN please!!!" Jim group texts the other Jims Jim and Pam make tender yet passionate love to Dwight’s cow
|
|
#
?
Feb 7, 2024 03:06
|
|
|
Jim is playing 'peek a boo' with Dwight and refuses to reappear after hiding behind his hands. Dwight, who has no object permanence, begins to cry. Also they are babies for this one.
|
|
#
?
Feb 7, 2024 04:11
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 31, 2024 22:23 |
|
|
A man who suspiciously looks like Jim shows up at The Office, with a huge bushy mustache, a chef’s hat, and very stereotypical Italian accent. “Eyyyy it’s-a me, Chef Jimghetti Halperioli! I’m-a ‘ere to make-a the delicious Italian meal for-a the Dunder Mifflin, eh? It’ll make-a your heart go bada bing, bada boom!” Jimghetti begins to head over to the kitchen to begin meal prep. Dwight eyes him suspiciously, wondering what hideous prank he has planned this time. He spends the work-day discreetly keeping a close eye on Jimghetti’s work in the kitchen between client calls, but surprisingly, he seems to notice no funny business… no pizza encased in jello, no lasagna filled with Tiny Jim meat, and all quality ingredients. Lunch time comes around, and Jimghetti pokes his head out of the kitchen. “‘ello wonderful friends, I just-a finished baking lunch, come-a to the break room! I don’t like-a to brag, but it’s some-a my best work yet. I give it a… mwah!” He does a chef’s kiss. Everyone files into the break room, and is immediately taken aback by the scintillating smells of the Italian feast before them. Authentic Italian pizzas of all types (and none of them secretly procured from Famous Original Jim’s), lasagna, baked ziti, a pasta bar, and heaps of garlic bread. They all begin to excitedly dig in, except for Dwight, who glowers at Jimghetti suspiciously from the back of the room. He didn’t personally observe anything, but surely this food must be tainted somehow. Before everyone can dig in, Dwight yells at everyone to not take a bite, and that this is just one of Jim’s pranks. He storms up to Jimghetti and continues tearing him down, calling out his horribly offensive Italian accent. “I-I-I don’t-a know of what you-a speak! I’m-a just the humble Italian chef, wanting to make-a the great meal for this-a wonderful paper company!” Dwight scoffs, yells at Jim to knock it off, and with a swift motion, tears off his mustache. “OHHHHHH MAMMA MIA IT-A HURTS! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Jimghetti clutches on to his now bare, bleeding upper lip, and falls to the ground in a fetal position as he shakes horribly. “I JUST-A WANNA MAKE-A THE PASTA OHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Dwight looks down at the mustache in his hand, and realizes to his horror that it’s covered in bits of flesh and blood, and that the hair is 100% authentic Italian. Jim bursts into the break room door behind Dwight. “Hey guys, sorry I’m late, had to take my racecar bed to the shop, but I guess you all met my Italian cousin? He’s visiting and was excited to bake an authentic feast from his home…” He trails off as he looks down to see Jimghetti rolling around on the ground in pain, with Oscar and Kevin trying to comfort him, and then glances up to Dwight, shellshocked with a bloody mustache in his hand. The Awesomesaurus fucked around with this message at 10:40 on Feb 7, 2024 |
|
#
?
Feb 7, 2024 10:36
|
|
