(Thread IKs:
Josherino)
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Waffle House posted:Post-schizophrenia, public diary 1: As a person who identifies as mentally deranged, some of this seems similar to the hosed up junk that goes on inside my own head, but the stuff that isn't seems bizarre and terrifying; there are whole horizons of madness out there I could walk toward, apparently. So, uh, good job for hauling yourself back to something resembling reality again, I guess?
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# ? Feb 15, 2024 02:35 |
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# ? May 28, 2024 16:30 |
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The positive part at the end gave me a boost so thanks, same goes for some other posts I've seen when skimming this thread. [Edit]nm felt self conscious, will just keep improving myself and getting out there Rookoo has issued a correction as of 05:48 on Feb 15, 2024 |
# ? Feb 15, 2024 04:20 |
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Karach posted:As a person who identifies as mentally deranged, some of this seems similar to the hosed up junk that goes on inside my own head, but the stuff that isn't seems bizarre and terrifying; there are whole horizons of madness out there I could walk toward, apparently. Thanks! It was a giant pain in the rear end; I point to cognitive behavioral therapy and especially my re-integration into community around me as key success factors. I would love to caution you to be careful with yourself and treat your life right, because you deserve it. Your empathy is spot on, here, too; IMO prior "basic" anxiety and depression, as well as life factors like poverty and other dearths and hits to Mazlow's Hierarchy are contributing stressors that can ultimately lead you towards deeper collapses and believe it or not *escape* into things like dissociative disorders, should your CHOICE (whether conscious or unconscious, which is where it starts to get you) be to spend time developing and HONING an internal capital-p Paranoid belief structure that you re-center around, for example. Avoid isolation/despair for starters, socialize and play videogames with your bros, and engage in healthy but easy practices like taking walks, having cool pets you hang out with, and IMO cooking to provide good internal nourishment in the face of all the stupid-rear end bullshit that modern society shovels on us every day. It's really easy to sink into a loving pit these days, don't let crap govern your internal wellbeing. Rookoo posted:The positive part at the end gave me a boost so thanks, same goes for some other posts I've seen when skimming this thread. You got this poo poo homie. GET IT.
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# ? Feb 15, 2024 17:58 |
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Speaking of the hierarchy, thanks to being able to secure the bottom bit I was able to rest, eat, drink, and sleep away this horrible cold (not roni thank god) over the past week and not make it worse trying to rough it/tough it out. I mean, I have been unable to get much higher than the bottom rung of the pyramid but reliably having the bottom sure beats the alternative.
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# ? Feb 19, 2024 18:05 |
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Ronwayne posted:Speaking of the hierarchy, thanks to being able to secure the bottom bit I was able to rest, eat, drink, and sleep away this horrible cold (not roni thank god) over the past week and not make it worse trying to rough it/tough it out. I didn't see anyone respond to this, but congratulations on getting back up! People who have not experienced even a light bout of homelessness or poverty before just really cannot compare.
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# ? Feb 21, 2024 03:59 |
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Thank you. The truly hosed up part (one of them) is realizing there are tiers of homelessness and I'm like "okay, got a foot stamp card, a car that works to sleep in and $150 for the month, I'm technically hobo royalty".
Ronwayne has issued a correction as of 16:26 on Feb 21, 2024 |
# ? Feb 21, 2024 16:16 |
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Ronwayne posted:Thank you. The truly hosed up part (one of them) is realizing there are tiers of homelessness and I'm like "okay, got a foot stamp card, a car that works to sleep in and $150 for the month, I'm technically hobo royalty". Yep, you and I were kings in the same regard; in the month or two before I got my little Studio set up I had a car to sleep in and UberEats to fill my wallet when my meatpacking job wasn't shoring it up right. Showered and Sauna'd every morning and evening at the Y before and after work. Somehow managed! Good job, keep up the good work.
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# ? Feb 21, 2024 17:56 |
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trying to decide if: a) I'm feeling contented and satisfied for the first time in a while b) I just don't have the motivation to want things right now c) I'm just too obsessed with Last Epoch to care about anything else
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# ? Feb 29, 2024 21:59 |
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I have been doing pretty poorly since uh, November? scheduled an appointment with my psych to see if we can make some adjustments. I’d love to try ketamine but I think I need to fail a few more meds first. anyways I’ve been mostly unemployed since November and normally it should drive me up the wall being bored but I just don’t care. i want to be in bed laying face down 24/7
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# ? Feb 29, 2024 22:03 |
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limp dick calvin posted:I have been doing pretty poorly since uh, November? scheduled an appointment with my psych to see if we can make some adjustments. I’d love to try ketamine but I think I need to fail a few more meds first. Good luck with that. And yeah that sort of deep apathy in the face of serious problems is sometimes a helpful coping mechanism, but it can get very hard to break out of
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# ? Feb 29, 2024 22:49 |
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i do not love the apathy! it makes me feel bad, and then when i get the conflicting thoughts about how I can’t do anything, it feels much worse!
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# ? Feb 29, 2024 23:08 |
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Reading through The Body Keeps The Score, holy poo poo it explains what I've been going through so well, stuff like mindfulness never quite clicked with me until I read it, I feel more relaxed and in tune with the present than I have in weeks.
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# ? Feb 29, 2024 23:14 |
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"Why aren't you doing anything? You should do something!" "All right, fine, you got a point. What should I do?" "Nothing! You're helpless, useless, and worthless! Why are you wasting your time trying?" "You're right, I should just give up." "Give up? But you should do something!" I know the feeling, and short of something external and positive happening, it's hard as hell to break out of.
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# ? Feb 29, 2024 23:15 |
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SardonicTyrant posted:Reading through The Body Keeps The Score, holy poo poo it explains what I've been going through so well, stuff like mindfulness never quite clicked with me until I read it, I feel more relaxed and in tune with the present than I have in weeks. I have borrowed this from the library half a dozen times and never read it. maybe this time
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# ? Feb 29, 2024 23:20 |
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I've been playing a very nerdy co-operative building game with strangers over the past few months and have basically settled into a project manager role. It makes me frustrated when people insist that without capital death threats people wouldn't do any work. I haven't worked for a few years and this is fulfilling a need that I have, but with the flexibility of being able to walk away with zero consequences.
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# ? Mar 14, 2024 07:32 |
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Same. I feel the threat of realworld violence would come into play with bad faith actors and those attempting to seize the system as a whole, and if the people threatening other with death get more productivity out of it for long enough to squash the people who don't, they take over the people who don't. Basically gangsters and wannabe kings make everything worse, and immediately descend if they feel there's a 'it's free real estate!' situation. It'd be like if a bunch of strangers suddenly seized the ability to kick people from the server while removing your own ability to kick them and then demanded you do do increasingly terrible things or be kicked. I feel any modern leftist tendency needs to devote time to explaining how hustler culture/sigma grindset perverts need to actively identified, barred from leadership, and be taken out behind the woodshed and have [redacted]* done to them * shunning/reeducation/whatever as long as it manages to stop someone willing to use violence on you. Ronwayne has issued a correction as of 17:41 on Mar 14, 2024 |
# ? Mar 14, 2024 17:29 |
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[Redacted] here means "given a lifetime subscription to EVE online"
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# ? Mar 14, 2024 17:39 |
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Yes, put in a place where they can be mean to each other without spillover to the rest of humanity. Or they become better people with empathy, either/or. As I type this I realize that it would become a training ground for said mean assholes oh well. Anyways, thread related, I went back to adderal generics after being unable to find vynase generic for under $200. Oh well. At least the therapist thinks i'm doing okay to the point we've made appointments longer apart now. Ronwayne has issued a correction as of 17:42 on Mar 14, 2024 |
# ? Mar 14, 2024 17:40 |
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Twice in the past week I've woken up with my heart racing at around 3am. Last time I eventually got back to sleep but last night I was just sorta half awake until 8am. Not fun at all and I really don't know what's causing it or what i can do about it
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# ? Mar 19, 2024 13:58 |
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if i'm writing a book and my therapist doesn't like it, does that mean i should stop writing it (it's not porn) by "doesn't like it", i mean they say "you need to channel your feelings into creative work" and i say "well i've almost finished the book" and they go "no, no, that's not what i meant, i meant visual art". they read the first two chapters and refuse to discuss it, when i bring it up they look uncomfortable and then change the subject. which obviously is not great feedback, i'm just trying to figure out if it means "you suck at writing" (in which case i will continue) or "in my professional opinion, writing this book is psychologically unhealthy for you" (in which case i should stop) mahershalalhashbaz has issued a correction as of 23:30 on Mar 24, 2024 |
# ? Mar 24, 2024 23:27 |
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mahershalalhashbaz posted:if i'm writing a book and my therapist doesn't like it, does that mean i should stop writing it If your therapist thinks this is actually bad coping they will tell you. Unless they're a really bad therapist. But therapists are not really in the business of tip-toeing around telling somebody they have bad coping mechanisms, it's pretty important to their whole practice that they just tell you. My suspicion is that your therapist has helped people with visual art before and is comfortable talking with clients about visual art but isn't as used to dealing with books and is probably thinking "ah crap now I've gotta do more research on this."
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# ? Mar 25, 2024 00:58 |
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Your therapist is telling you to get really into Warhammer (Also what Tulip said)
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# ? Mar 25, 2024 00:59 |
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My first thought is that they didn’t read any of it. I’ve been doing alright. Actually applying to jobs. I’m going to be just fine. It’s been a difficult road but I have had some great help along the way. It’s not entirely over yet, I am sure, but I’m through the worst of it.
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# ? Mar 25, 2024 02:40 |
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Tulip posted:If your therapist thinks this is actually bad coping they will tell you. Unless they're a really bad therapist. But therapists are not really in the business of tip-toeing around telling somebody they have bad coping mechanisms, it's pretty important to their whole practice that they just tell you.
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# ? Mar 25, 2024 03:45 |
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802.11weed posted:My first thought is that they didn’t read any of it. Hell yeah glad you're pulling through it. It's a great feeling to hit something that would have sent you into a tailspin two years ago and being able to push through it
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# ? Mar 25, 2024 04:02 |
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802.11weed posted:I’ve been doing alright. Actually applying to jobs. I’m going to be just fine. It’s been a difficult road but I have had some great help along the way. It’s not entirely over yet, I am sure, but I’m through the worst of it. Glad you are doing fine! mahershalalhashbaz posted:overthinking Ding! If I had to guess (I do) I'd assume they're trying to get you to express yourself in less literal ways, especially if you're prone to overanalyzing. also your therapist isn't the best place to be soliciting feedback for your book tbh Jorge Bell has issued a correction as of 06:01 on Mar 25, 2024 |
# ? Mar 25, 2024 05:58 |
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thank you, friends. i will keep writing the book, and not expect the therapist to read it.
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# ? Mar 25, 2024 09:21 |
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I deeply respect you commiting to it. Commitment and following through on, well, most things has been a nightmare for me, but especially creative projects.
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# ? Mar 27, 2024 16:12 |
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Writing is great! I had to quit though because I would start thinking about economy and resource management stuff, get mad at capitalism, and then get so depressed at my own helplessness that I'd lose interest in my work altogether.
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# ? Mar 27, 2024 23:21 |
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It occurred to me I'm having a manic episode and I just wanted to document it somehow. I've been sorta disabled for 3 years (torn achilles late 2020, then back problems and shoudler dislocation from sedentary life) and after a ton of attempts at rehab I'm regaining a lot of my motion back. My brain just kinda shut off with the pain after a while, my relationship are all strained and I could barely keep my personal ship upright through all the medical episodes. Since i dug my tricep out out of half a dozen bad places and the sea parted my brain has been so overstimulated. I feel like I'm going a million miles an hour and the clocks not moving and I know it's not normal but it's such a pleasant change from the exaustion that it's hard for me to pump the brakes. Hope I can bottle the lighting, getting my instruments set up at a luthier tonight. Redid all my AV and instrument interfaces this week. It's been years since i recorded. In the past I would of dialed a kindred spirit to hit a casino or a concert, but I'm happy to just be floating here.
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# ? Mar 29, 2024 17:30 |
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Screaming Idiot posted:Writing is great! I had to quit though because I would start thinking about economy and resource management stuff, get mad at capitalism, and then get so depressed at my own helplessness that I'd lose interest in my work altogether. It is okay to have a power fantasy where you get your way. Dante's inferno was self-indulgent, self-insert fanfiction where he got to watch his personal enemies be tortured in hell, for example.
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# ? Mar 29, 2024 20:45 |
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Ronwayne posted:It is okay to have a power fantasy where you get your way. Dante's inferno was self-indulgent, self-insert fanfiction where he got to watch his personal enemies be tortured in hell, for example. That's how you get manifestos written and evidence which will be used against you in a court of law.
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# ? Apr 5, 2024 07:11 |
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We are not insurgents and if the state gets around to purging us it already has everything it needs. One can write their wizard book about someone who wrote a manifesto and didn't get put in jail or worse or similar. Someone told me, "don't get a disability sticker for your car, it'll move you to the top of the purge list!" and I'm like, maybe it will, that doesn't mean I don't need to use a handicap space in the time before I get hauled off or whatever. Ellis wrote Black Summer and while it did get him sat down for a chit-chat with the secret service he didn't get thrown in jail for making a 'manifesto'. I would hope that whatever a goon is planning to write isn't even more explicit than what he did. We only get one life, and if we die to pigs we die to pigs, but until then living in fear that even writing down a story is going to get you hauled off, its a miserable way to live. Don't let The Discourse drive your brain around like a car. Ronwayne has issued a correction as of 19:34 on Apr 6, 2024 |
# ? Apr 6, 2024 17:12 |
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Hi, maybe constantly thinking about purge lists isn't super healthy
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# ? Apr 7, 2024 03:02 |
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Whiny long post warning. I'm not doing well. So my wife has been suffering from increasing health anxiety, to the point that she's spending basically every day in either urgent care, the ER, or doctors offices. Sometimes multiple in the same day. It started with being hyper vigilant about her heart rate and BP, and now she is just constantly monitoring herself and having panic attacks every time any reading isn't precisely nominal, which always convince her she's having either a heart attack or stroke. I get why shes anxious about her heart and brain: 1. When she was 8 she was being watched by her grandmother who died of a heart attack right in front of her, leaving her to deal with notifying family and authorities on her own. 2. A week after we got married, when I was 37, I had a widowmaker heart attack and spent about a total of a hour and a half being dead. 3. A couple years back in the middle of COVID lockdown they found an aneurysm in her head that was in danger of killing her. She went into the ER for a sinus headache and they just happened to catch it on the CT. She got a stent and it seemed to relieve the bubble, but now she gets regular migraines. 4. She sent her mom to the doctor for some eye problems she noticed and they found an aneurysm in her as well. So she's had some definite PTSD and has also had the experience of having successfully had her worst suspicions confirmed a couple of times. We had a daughter about a year after my heart attack, and that definitely seems to be contributing to her anxieties, worrying that she's not going to be there for her. About six months ago she tried going off of her Lexapro because she thought it was giving her unwanted side effects (I honestly don't recall what exactly at this point), and that's when the anxiety really seemed to start spiraling, though that could be coincidental. She has since tried several times going back on SSRIs but each time after the first dose she convinces herself she is getting serotonin syndrome and quits. But now my wife is basically non-functional. She spends what little time she's not in a medical office either having or desperately fighting off panic attacks. She won't stick with any treatment plan that her various doctors propose because she inevitably finds or has some side effect from the prescribed medication, goes off of it, and winds up back where she started. She's not sleeping, barely eating, and just really isn't able to be there for her family anymore. I try to support every decision she makes, make sure I make it as easy as possible for her to get to her appointments, offer to go every time (declined, because I have to watch the kid when she's in the hospital). I've even taken off work because of her daily health scares. I recently started a really good job. But it's also very challenging, and takes a lot of my focus. I have AuDHD so focus is hard to muster in the best circumstances. I'm trying my best to make a good impression and learn my job well, and I just feel like I'm already fumbling everything out of the gate. I'm 3 weeks in, still in training, and I'm already asking to leave early and to WFH on in-office days. I feel like if I lose this opportunity, it will mean we go back to poverty. So I'm super stressed about the impression I'm making, despite my boss seeming fairly cool and like he has a family-first mentality. But I'm also bad at reading when I'm actually pissing people off and they're just being polite to my face. So between that and also being constantly terrified that something might actually be wrong this time when my wife has a medical complaint, she has started to almost become a trigger for my own anxiety when I'm around her. I'm so stressed with all the constant routine and plan changes with her constant ER visits and general inability to be present, and I can feel my heart rate increase in a bad way when I'm around her now. I find myself getting angry frequently and having no clear target for the anger. I'm not mad at her, I believe she is actually experiencing the symptoms, but often by the time we get to the ER the symptoms have subsided for the most part, and generally her EKGs and CT scans all show her to be quite fit. There was one visit where they noted some sort of spinal degeneration on the imaging report, a condition which specifically could cause the headaches she was complaining about in that visit, and nobody in the ER actually brought that up with her; she only found out because she obsessively reads her lab results. So now we get to add a general distrust of the medical system (also justifiable, imo) to all the factors. At this point I think she has exhausted her body and mind and honestly dont see much of a way out beyond having her admitted to some sort of inpatient facility where she could get sedated sufficiently to allow her body to recover from exhaustion while they get her re-medicated on some sort of antidepressant, preferably with anti anxiety features as well, while being able to monitor the constant side effects and other panic triggers she always gets on medication. But I'm also anxious about admitting her, because of all the horror stories out there. I dont want her to be stuck somewhere where I couldn't help her if she was scared or abused. She is also not fully convinced on being admitted. Tonight, she is back in the ER. I'm at home putting our kid to bed, and they're apparently admitting her overnight. Her heart rate was jumping over 100 any time she wasn't lying down, when it would return to the 50s and 60s. I'm not sure if this is from just being generally exhausted, or if it's from withdrawals from the two weeks of Ativan that some doc gave her that I'm surprised she actually took, for all the good it did for her anxiety. They switched her to clonopin but didnt account for having to crossfade the tolerances, which could have triggered withdrawals for the Ativan. I dont really know how to handle this anymore. I feel my nerves straining to their very last fiber. It's hard to not become resentful. I'm fully in a Depression from this, and I have nobody to talk to about it. I can't talk with my wife because she always has so much on her mind and doesn't have the bandwidth for anything but focusing on her own health for the past few months. I feel like I've lost my partner and I'm actually in mourning and don't fully realize it yet. I focus on my kid where I can to keep distracted, but Ive been finding myself dissociating constantly during the evenings when trying to spend time with my family. She co-sleeps with our kid, because our kid has lots of problems sleeping on her own so we just stopped fighting that battle, if we ever fought it at all. I haven't shared more than a brief daily perfunctory goodnight hug and maybe kiss for a long time, and that's about all I get for any sort of intimacy anymore. I'm not even talking about sex, I just want to be close and talk about, well, anything. But she's always so pent up and stressed out that I know it would be burdensome to her. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help my wife. I don't know how to help myself. I don't know how to keep myself remotely sane while keeping this new job. I'm just getting my ADHD treated with Strattera, finally worked up to a functional dose. Can't do stim meds cause of my heart bullshit, and my ADHD med doc isn't fully on board with the autism diagnosis I gave myself but she's also a pill mill doc at a firm focused on ADHD so when you're a hammer, every problem is a nail. But all of this lack of routine while I'm adjusting to a change in my work life is just eating at my brain in all the wrong places. I had adjusted to the lack of time with my wife at night by just playing video games, and that has become the only source of dopamine in my life lately besides my kid. Not the best coping strategy, but it's let me hang on this far I guess. But I still wind up nearly crying to sleep some nights from pure loneliness. I wake up in the worst moods because I realize yet again that I'm alone, despite having a wife and kid. But what the hell do I do? How can I help her with her health anxiety, keep myself from spiraling into depression, keep my job, and be a present dad? I mentioned some of this to my ADHD med doc and she was like "poo poo that sounds like a lot, I don't even know where to begin to unravel that, good luck." Isn't this what fugue states are supposed to be for? I could use one of those. I'm tired. Thanks for making it this far.
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# ? Apr 8, 2024 04:54 |
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drat, that sounds like a really tough situation. A therapist might be able to help give you some coping mechanisms and be a good touchpoint for self evaluation to make sure you're hanging on well enough to be able to take care of this huge situation.
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# ? Apr 8, 2024 06:24 |
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That's an awful situation. My parent went through something similar to your wife though they went in patient many times until they found a cocktail of medicine that worked for their mental illnesses. They were also struggling with drug abuse. I had group therapy and a therapist through my college at the time and it helped immensely. The feelings you described echoed what that time was like for me. It's so hard to see them go through the cycles and wash out the same or worse than before and besides your support there's nothing else you can do and it's very frustrating. They have to do it.
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# ? Apr 8, 2024 07:17 |
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Organic Lube User posted:Whiny long post warning. This is awful. My dad is like a less extreme version of your wife, and it's incredibly stressful trying to manage his attitudes towards health stuff. In his case there's the additional factor of the health issues sometimes being real, but often completely different from whatever he's complaining about, which puts me in the unenviable position of having to figure things out. Like a few weeks ago when he kept telling the healthcare workers at the ER about his flu and some completely unrelated issue with his diaphragm, when the actual emergency was that his bladder was not voiding. If I wasn't there to repeatedly emphasize this I don't know what would have happened. There's just a profound feeling of helplessness when someone is dealing with some mental health thing and there's nothing you can do to somehow fix it. All you can often do is try and cope with their unreasonable behavior and keep them from hurting themselves.
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# ? Apr 8, 2024 08:24 |
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Organic Lube User posted:Whiny long post warning. there's something else going on with your wife. pattern of med/treatment resistance, problems, avoidance. those are usually things people with bipolar 2 (or 1) present with a lot imo. lot of addict behavior as well. obsession, addiction to intensity/panic attacks etc. why isnt she in therapy, why arent you? u guys seem very codependent as well, what with her roping you into her chaos and you enabling a ton of that. assuming everything in your post is factually correct and nothing is left out, if she's non functional, very long term in-patient seems logical. it sounds like she needs a very high level of care right now, and knowing she's being taken care of, you'll sleep better than you have in years. i mean, what she is doing and you are enabling is unsustainable, right? co sleeping with your child too, oof, id be worried she's dumping her anxiety into your kid and hoping to get dopamine in return, similar to you. your family is completely out of balance. just fyi, it's not your responsibility to heal her or keep her sane. you can't heal or fix anybody. nobody can. good luck goon. i hope and predict it will get better eventually.
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# ? Apr 8, 2024 09:22 |
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# ? May 28, 2024 16:30 |
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Jorge Bell posted:drat, that sounds like a really tough situation. A therapist might be able to help give you some coping mechanisms and be a good touchpoint for self evaluation to make sure you're hanging on well enough to be able to take care of this huge situation. Thanks, yeah, I'd love a decent therapist. The last one I went to got hyperfocused on how i use the term 'kid' to refer to my kid and just weirdly wouldn't let go of it. The one before that was just a lame betterhelp-type talk therapy student who had absolutely nothing helpful to say and was just a void for me to yell into, which I have the Internet for. I keep asking my med doc for a referral but they're really not set up to do that, they're medication maintenance only. I might see about getting in the NAMI Family Group sessions, but the next one isn't til week after next and who knows how helpful that will be anyway.
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# ? Apr 8, 2024 12:47 |