r/relationships: he's just soggy moldy baby carrot

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: he's just soggy moldy baby carrot

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Butter Activities: May 4, 2018

Mordiceius posted:

This guy and reduction-guy should just wife swap.

He�d find a reason to be dissatisfied don�t you worry

# ? Apr 19, 2024 18:56

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# ? Jun 6, 2024 20:39

John Wick of Dogs: Mar 4, 2017; A real hellraiser

CoffeeBoofer posted:

husband won't let me take more than two showers
Sorry, he has engineer brain

Maybe she can appeal to engineer brain and say "Let's time how long two showers take, then see if we could realistically take seven showers in that time, and instead of cutting all our showers out we just take no nonsense quick clean showers like on a military ship".

And yeah you may be asking why should she have to do that at all, obviously the husband is being ridiculous, but they could probably save water and get more showers at the same time and then everybody's happy. The hubbos an idiot here but his heart is kind of in the right place.

My buddy served on a submarine and the way he showers is gets wet, turns the water off. Soaps and shampoos up, scrubs all over. Turns water back on and rinses everything off. Compared to me he is saving so much water. I couldn't do it, but he's acclimated to it.

John Wick of Dogs fucked around with this message at 19:05 on Apr 19, 2024

# ? Apr 19, 2024 19:03

Ensign Expendable: Nov 11, 2008; Lager beer is proof that god loves us; Pillbug

Refactor your shower monolith into micro-showers that you can scale dynamically by provisioning shower containers

# ? Apr 19, 2024 19:06

The_Franz: Aug 8, 2003

CoffeeBoofer posted:

Sorry, he has engineer brain

If they've been married for 20 years, their kids are probably teenagers, who no doubt smell great with 2 showers a week.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 19:09

captainOrbital: Jan 23, 2003; Wrathchild!
💢🧒

Every time he turns off the hot water, just leave the shower running. Turn on the taps in every room the second he's out of sight. Flush all the toilets. Turn on the hose outside. The neighbors' hoses.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 19:10

8one6: May 20, 2012; When in doubt, err on the side of Awesome!

Just divorce the nerd. If they have engineer brain and have it in their head that 2 showers a week is the limit then they're already too far gone.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 19:13

Cacator: Aug 6, 2005; You're quite good at turning me on.

Maybe she's having 3 hour showers like the daughter in an old post?

# ? Apr 19, 2024 19:17

Biplane: Jul 18, 2005

8one6 posted:

Just divorce the nerd. If they have engineer brain and have it in their head that 2 showers a week is the limit then they're already too far gone.

Yup. It's sad when it's terminal but this is the only way.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 19:26

Ominous Jazz: Jun 15, 2011; Big D is chillin' over here
Wasteland style

if you're that worried about it shower with your wife or i'll do it for you

# ? Apr 19, 2024 19:28

Invisible Clergy: Sep 25, 2015; "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces"

Malachi 2:3

8one6 posted:

Just divorce the nerd. If they have engineer brain and have it in their head that 2 showers a week is the limit then they're already too far gone.

But she can't just pull the nail out of her head!

OP posted:

Divorce is not an option just to put that out there before the comments come in.

Why won't anyone help her with this nail in her head?

# ? Apr 19, 2024 19:30

ScienceSeagull: May 17, 2021; Figure 1 Smart birds.

Pope Corky the IX posted:

I just like the word zinc. Riboflavin too.

Come back zinc, come back!

# ? Apr 19, 2024 19:51

The Alchemist: Dec 12, 2010

She should stop showering altogether and see how many periods it takes until the guy gives up.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 19:53

Scathach: Apr 4, 2011; You know that thing where you sleep on your arm funny and when you wake up it's all numb? Yeah that's my whole world right now.

The whole "saving water" thing might not even apply in their situation, it definitely doesn't for our house. I can't imagine nuking my marriage over someone else's shower habits.

Stupid engineer. Gonna be a sad engineer soon.

E: okay I mean if she was showering with a stick of butter I may feel different about it.

E2: I mean she could tell him she's also concerned about the environment, and that means he's only allowed to use his computer two days a week. See how long the shower rule stays after that.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 20:17

Technocrat: Jan 30, 2011; I always finish what I sta

Dang, beaten to it

# ? Apr 19, 2024 20:19

Hughlander: May 11, 2005

3D Megadoodoo posted:

Also from a usability standpoint, a map is about 40 000 times better than a telephone. Unless your telephone is loving gigantic I guess.

Then again I don't give a poo poo about theme parks.

A phone can have a map with a blue dot showing where you are on the map. That alone makes it superior to a paper map where the relative sizes and distances are often calvin ball. Bringing us in line with lion poo poo chat, local zoo used to have an iOS app with an interactive map that would do that and it was awesome. Now they just have a static web page and it's the worst of both worlds.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 20:20

Scathach: Apr 4, 2011; You know that thing where you sleep on your arm funny and when you wake up it's all numb? Yeah that's my whole world right now.

Eh I'm okay with it not having a dot to show where you're at. Like gotta learn to read a map at some point and it's not like a theme park is lacking any landmarks.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 20:24

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

Pope Corky the IX posted:

I just like the word zinc. Riboflavin too.

My daughter stole my kitchen zinc, AITA?

# ? Apr 19, 2024 20:26

Quackles: Aug 11, 2018; Pixels of Light.

3D Megadoodoo posted:

My daughter stole my kitchen zinc, AITA?

lmao

# ? Apr 19, 2024 20:32

oh jay: Oct 15, 2012

Another old one. I don't think it made as big of a splash as some other classics, but it stuck on me because it would be my own personal hell.

[32m] My wife [33f] will not shut up, and I'm not sure I can take it that much longer. Is it possible for that to be a reason to leave?

quote:

I'm not sure if I should have posted this on AITA instead. But here goes: My wife will not shut up. I'm not talking about your usual Chatty Cathy. I mean she (almost) literally will NOT. SHUT. UP. She will talk continuously from the moment she knows I am within earshot. Not just in the same room. I mean as soon as it's reasonable to assume that I can hear her. She will not stop talking until I'm gone, and sometimes not even then. On more than one occasion, I've gone into the bathroom, turned on the loud exhaust fan, taken a leisurely dump, and then returned to hear her cheerfully engaged in the same "conversation" she was enjoying before I went in. She also refuses to use the exhaust fan while she's in the restroom because it would prevent her from being heard. So I get to hear ALL the bathroom noises on top of whatever Homeric Epic about her friend's cousin's girlfriend's hairdresser she's blathering on about.

I once drove from Tampa, FL to Chicago, IL with her (before we were married- I'm such an idiot!) without saying more than ten sentences. She did not stop talking the entire way. The ENTIRE way.

Television on to a show I like? Pfft. That's not a problem. She'll happily turn the volume down so it doesn't get in the way. Having sex? That's the perfect time to tell me about how Olivia Newton John still has the leather pants she wore in Grease and she- brace yourself- STILL fits in them! Really! Needless to say, we don't go to the movies. Ever. I've been shushed out of too many theaters.

I get it. She grew up in a huge Italian Catholic family in the Bronx. If you don't talk loud and constantly, you don't get to talk at all. I, on the other hand, grew up in a Scandinavian family with two children. To this day, I'm not sure we ever had a conversation in our house. I actually often wonder if that's what made me attractive to her. I was taught to politely listen to people and then wait for them to finish before replying. She never finishes (or takes a breath it sometimes seems), so to her I'm paying rapt attention to her no matter how much she talks.

That's not true, though. Another difference between people of Swedish heritage is that we don't use "filler" words for acknowledgement. Other than the Minnesotan "naaaaah," (useful on every occasion!) we're pretty much silent when we listen to others. No "uh huh" or "yeah" or "omg!" needed. A nod of the head every ten minutes or so is all you need to convey your attentiveness. I think it has a lot to with living in the frigid North. You keep your mouth open as much as my wife does, and your teeth are going to shatter from the cold.

To her, that's like being in the room with a dead person. She's always stopping to ask "are you even listening?" or say "you never pay attention to me!" or even quiz me with "what did I just say?" I've become an expert at storing the last two to four words she says and parroting them back at her. She'll be like "blah blah blah ... and then she told him she wasn't taking that kind of crap anymore," and I'll go "that kind of crap?" as if I had any idea what kind of crap it was or who it was that wouldn't take it anymore. And she'll say "yeah!" and think I've been paying attention the whole time.

I joke about it a lot, but it's actually getting to the point where it's a problem. Our son is seven years old, and he has developed a pronounced stutter because she interrupts him constantly. Growing up in her house, if anyone paused even for a millisecond, that was grounds for talking over them. And you talked loud so they didn't finish. My son apparently inherited some of my less "staccato" speech patterns, and she basically just uses that to interrupt and take over the conversation. It got so bad that he started automatically stopping and restarting words, even when not being interrupted. I didn't know that was considered a stutter until we went to one of those parent/teacher night things, and a teacher listened to wife and then turned to me and said "well at least now I know why Josh has a stutter." Just like that.

She's failed at least one job interview because of this. I know because I lined it up with a business acquaintance myself. He called me up and said sorry, but he just couldn't take being in the same room with her because she wouldn't stop talking.

We rarely are invited for a second "couples date." She monopolizes the conversation every time we go out with other people. Who wants more than one does of that?

You're probably wondering: "well, have you told her about this?" Yes. Many times. Sometimes jokingly. Sometimes with utter seriousness. The reactions vary from anger (talks louder, higher, faster, and uses lots more swear words) to tears (she's the only person I know who can carry on a totally unrelated conversation while sobbing hysterically). The one thing that doesn't happen is her talking any less.

I try not to let it get to me. She's a very affectionate woman. Loves me to death. Mother of my child. Pretty as the day we met- prettier, even. We still get plenty of "alone time," (granted, she won't shut up while we're doing it, but I'm pretty busy so I don't really notice as much). But it does get to me. It's selfish and shows a lack of self awareness. There's a time and a place for enthusiastic conversation, and they're not "always" and "everywhere."

I know the answer to the problem: I have to "talk back." In effect, the only thing that possibly could shut her up is for me to do the same thing as she does. I would have to interrupt at the slightest pause. I would have to talk louder- yelling if necessary- when she tries to interrupt me. I would have to learn to use Italian Hand Gestures to emphasize my points and chop off her objections. But I'm not Italian. I'm a waspy pale dude who grew up in a household that would have made a mortuary sound like a middle school cafeteria.

Twelve years of this has finally pushed me to the brink. I'm not sure I can take it that much longer. I'm just not sure if I could get a word in to tell the judge why I'm there in his divorce court. My wife wouldn't let me.

tl;dr: Wife will not shut up. Is that reasonable grounds for leaving her?

EDIT: Obligatory Reddit "omg I had no idea this would blow up." Which is true. I thought maybe a couple of people would just call me an rear end in a top hat and that would be it. But RIP, Inbox. It was nice to know ya. So in the interest of not replying to every comment, I will try to address some of the common ones and answer some of the questions I saw popping up multiple times.

Also thanks for the (often hilarious) advice.

Q1 - Is this BS? (implied)
A1 - No, it's all mostly true. I admit to some embellishment for dramatic/comedic effect, though. The bit about the leather pants is representative, not an actual quote. Not from sexy times, anyway. She probably mentioned it at some point, though.

Q2 - Why didn't you run away screaming before you got married? (sub-question: was OP's wife hot?)
A2 - Yes, she is hot. And funny. And vivacious. Also, I really was a "nordic silent bear" (thanks, /u/Sarah_Dragonfire), my wife drew me out of my shell. And if I'm brutally honest with myself: when you're young and getting laid on the regular, a LOT of things don't seem all that terrible. [drat you, Penis! This is all your fault!]

Q3 - Did your kid really develop a stutter because of this?
A3 - Medically speaking, I cannot state this with 100% certainty. The cause was never formally diagnosed. However, I watched it happen first hand. I'm not a qualified speech therapist, but I think it was a reasonable conclusion to draw based on the observations I made. I'd welcome a dissenting opinion from an actual professional though, if only to salve my conscience. Which leads to:

Q4 - Aren't YOU really the one responsible for your kid's stutter? After all, you did nothing to stop it.
A4 - Guilty. And I feel utterly like poo poo about it all the time. For the record, I did bring it up lots of times even to the point of getting into arguments about it and speaking harshly to my wife when she interrupted my son. But I think by the time I realized it was happening most of the damage was done. And anything I could do was more expressing my anger about it than actually making an effective change. All the rest of this weirdly long post is just ranting. If there's an actual justification for leaving, this is it (and I'm deathly afraid that she'll get full custody and just make it worse or even irreparable).

Q5 - Is it because she's (pick one: OCD, insecure, autistic, mentally ill, ...)?
A5 - I don't think so, although I've always sensed an overwhelming need for attention. I see it in her family dynamic, in that all of her many siblings were in constant competition for their parents' attention and affection.

Q6 - Have you tried counseling?
A6 - No. Probably should have, but I know her well enough that even mentioning it would shatter her. It's bizarre that I can't bring myself to do a lot of things people have suggested (and believe me, I've probably thought of all of them) because they just seem too cruel to me. And yet, I'm seriously considering divorce. I realize the contradiction there.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 20:32

Hughlander: May 11, 2005

Scathach posted:

Well on the plus side, Amber Alerts aren't actually useful so when SIL does it, it won't be taking away from actual lost kids.

Wonder how long until we have an update with a restraining order and SIL pounding on the door and poor idiot hubby trying to make peace with both sides?

"In 2022, 58% of all AMBER Alerts that were issued were for family abduction cases."

sounds like that's the majority of cases.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 20:35

Kitfox88: Aug 21, 2007; Anybody lose their glasses?

John Wick of Dogs posted:

The hubbos an idiot here but his heart is kind of in the right place.

no, he's a huge loving idiot and his heart's in his loving asscheek because residential water use is a drop in the bucket compared to agriculture and industrial use.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 20:44

Halloween Jack: Sep 12, 2003; I WILL CUT OFF BOTH OF MY ARMS BEFORE I VOTE FOR ANYONE THAT IS MORE POPULAR THAN BERNIE!!!!!

oh jay posted:

[32m] My wife [33f] will not shut up, and I'm not sure I can take it that much longer. Is it possible for that to be a reason to leave?

I remember this couple and I hate them. I hope their son gets speech therapy, and other therapy.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 20:56

mllaneza: Apr 28, 2007; Veteran, Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force, 1993-1952

oh jay posted:

Another old one. I don't think it made as big of a splash as some other classics, but it stuck on me because it would be my own personal hell.

[32m] My wife [33f] will not shut up, and I'm not sure I can take it that much longer. Is it possible for that to be a reason to leave?

Yeah, big same. I used to have a stutter. I was able to correct it when a buddy of mine who hung out with my family often pointed out that I stuttered at exactly the point where my mother would always interrupt me.

So yeah, that's a thing.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 20:58

Scathach: Apr 4, 2011; You know that thing where you sleep on your arm funny and when you wake up it's all numb? Yeah that's my whole world right now.

Hughlander posted:

"In 2022, 58% of all AMBER Alerts that were issued were for family abduction cases."

sounds like that's the majority of cases.

I mean that statistically, they're not useful in finding lost kids-- so at least when her SIL inevitably makes a fake report, it isn't going to doom some other kid or something. It's just crime theater with how worthless the drat things really are.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 21:01

Hughlander: May 11, 2005

Scathach posted:

I mean that statistically, they're not useful in finding lost kids-- so at least when her SIL inevitably makes a fake report, it isn't going to doom some other kid or something. It's just crime theater with how worthless the drat things really are.

70% recovery rate 17% directly attributed to the Amber Alert?

# ? Apr 19, 2024 21:08

mom and dad fight a lot: Sep 21, 2006; Can't post for 23 days!

Cythereal posted:

DH (28m) thinks my (33f) boobs (I cup) are too big. Is this a big deal?

r/relationships: He isn't a tit man at all, he's an rear end man.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 21:23

Arsenic Lupin: Apr 12, 2012; This particularly rapid💨 unintelligible 😖patter💁 isn't generally heard🧏‍♂️, and if it is🤔, it doesn't matter💁.

A lot of Redditors have pointed out, IMHO correctly, that he needs to be evaluated for OCD.

Hughlander posted:

A phone can have a map with a blue dot showing where you are on the map. That alone makes it superior to a paper map where the relative sizes and distances are often calvin ball.

A paper map works in bright sunlight.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 21:58

Scathach: Apr 4, 2011; You know that thing where you sleep on your arm funny and when you wake up it's all numb? Yeah that's my whole world right now.

Hughlander posted:

70% recovery rate 17% directly attributed to the Amber Alert?

Which is bizarre because they've also admitted that those kids would have been found anyway, as they were with someone known to them, and it wasn't a call from a concerned citizen that led them to the kid, but basic "who does this kid know." The there's the whole thing that kids actually in danger from a stranger are usually killed within thee hours, and amber alerts rarely go out before that mark. They're basically crime theater to make people feel safer, boosted by current moral panics. It's usefulness is akin to the DARE program.

But I digress. Let's get back to the funny poo poo like a man screwing butter in the shower.

E: I imagine that dude is married to an aggressive Fran Drescher. I don't know how he's done twelve whole years with her.

Scathach fucked around with this message at 22:10 on Apr 19, 2024

# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:07

The Maroon Hawk: May 10, 2008

oh jay posted:

Another old one. I don't think it made as big of a splash as some other classics, but it stuck on me because it would be my own personal hell.

[32m] My wife [33f] will not shut up, and I'm not sure I can take it that much longer. Is it possible for that to be a reason to leave?

The bit about talking continuously from Tampa to Chicago - a 17hr drive, by the way - made my soul collapse inward like a black hole

Personal hell, indeed

# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:09

Hughlander: May 11, 2005

My friend group is imploding and it�s literally the stupidest poo poo ever.

quote:

My friend group has been together since the three of us were college freshman, which was three years ago. I fully expected to graduate side by side with the these people, but now that might not happen, and it�s all for the stupidest reason ever.

So basically, our friend group has three of us; me, Molly, and Andrea. Now, and I promise this is relevant, Molly is 4�10 and pretty insecure about it, to the point that she�ll avoid leaving the house if she can�t wear heels or platforms. Andrea got a new boyfriend a couple months ago, Trevor, who�s 6�5, and one of the first things he said to Molly when the two first met was something like �wow, you look like a toddler from up here� and chuckled to himself. Molly got kinda pissed at him, and Andrea asked him to apologize, but he didn�t, and insisted he was �just making an observation�. Molly seemed to get over it once she realized he wasn�t going to back down, but ever since then, she constantly insults him to his face, no subject is off limits to her. Everything from the way he looks, to his major, to his job, to speculating about his manhood (�if he�s allowed to insult my body, why can�t I insult his?�). Every time we try to call her out or get her to quit it, she just says �what, I was just making an observation?� in a mock deep voice. She said that if Trevor apologizes for calling her a toddler, she�ll quit it, but he dug his heels in and started insulting her back, and now we can�t have those two in the same room without them slinging verbal abuse at each other and ruining the vibe.

At this point, Andrea�s thrown her support behind Trevor. She says it�s time for Molly to move on, that�s she�s proved her point and is now just being a jerk for no reason. Me, I�m trying to remain neutral, but I�m so loving done with Trevor. He started this, even if he didn�t mean to, and all he has to do to end it is apologize, but he won�t because, well my best guess is that he just doesn�t want to �lose� to her, but honestly who knows at this point. If he had just but the bullet and apologized back when he called her a toddler, none of this would have happened. For the record, I also think that Molly�s being an rear end, and I�ve tried my damndest to get her to just be the bigger person and drop it. But no, she�s so insecure that she can�t just let it go.

Now, Andrea won�t speak to Molly and is threatening not to speak to me if I keep being friends with Molly. I�m so loving frustrated, this is middle school bullshit! I can�t keep playing mediator like this, it feels like I�m the only adult in a group of twelve year olds. Not one of these people, who I used to hold respect for, will step up and be the bigger person. Ugh, gently caress my life lol.

Super petty but I�m team Molly

# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:16

John Wick of Dogs: Mar 4, 2017; A real hellraiser

Should have thrown Trevor in the driving ocean the second he said "I was just making an observation". gently caress off, Trevor

# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:22

Scathach: Apr 4, 2011; You know that thing where you sleep on your arm funny and when you wake up it's all numb? Yeah that's my whole world right now.

I believe she's right in nut-punching height for a dude that size. She should try and see.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:26

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Losing nothing by ditching Andrea imo. Girl has poor taste and low standards

# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:26

hawowanlawow: Jul 27, 2009

*Trevor clunks all of your heads together like coconuts*

# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:27

youknowthatoneguy: Mar 27, 2004; Mmm, boooofies!

I don't have a story to add, just a comment because I see it in so many of these stories.

I loving hate the phrase "sexy times." Like nails on a chalkboard. I've had women I'm with say it, which drives me up the wall.

gently caress, have sex, enter the bone zone; any of these are acceptable, but let's stop with sexy times please.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:33

haveblue: Aug 15, 2005; Toilet Rascal

Final boarding for our nonstop flight to pound town

# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:34

John Wick of Dogs: Mar 4, 2017; A real hellraiser

The Sexy Times is the only newspaper I trust. And Cheddar News is the only video journalism I trust.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:37

Hughlander: May 11, 2005

I prefer the thirty second probation

# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:38

Scathach: Apr 4, 2011; You know that thing where you sleep on your arm funny and when you wake up it's all numb? Yeah that's my whole world right now.

"Sexy times" sounds like it came from a married teenager in the Bible Belt.

# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:44

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# ? Jun 6, 2024 20:39

Cythereal: Nov 8, 2009; I love the potoo,
and the potoo loves you.

youknowthatoneguy posted:

I don't have a story to add, just a comment because I see it in so many of these stories.

I loving hate the phrase "sexy times." Like nails on a chalkboard. I've had women I'm with say it, which drives me up the wall.

gently caress, have sex, enter the bone zone; any of these are acceptable, but let's stop with sexy times please.

Would you say it makes your youngman shrimpy?

# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:44

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: he's just soggy moldy baby carrot

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