Corp Megathread: A box covered with the dust of years, labeled "EMPLOYEE SUGGESTIONS"

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Corp Megathread: A box covered with the dust of years, labeled "EMPLOYEE SUGGESTIONS"

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Eric the Mauve: May 8, 2012; Making you happy for a buck since 199X

dpkg chopra posted:

Will likely be accepting an offer and giving my two weeks notice tomorrow.

Gimme your quitting advice (it�s a fully remote unfortunately so no in person tearful goodbyes).

FrozenVent posted:

How to resign, a guide:

1. Do you like your direct manager? If so, give him a heads up call. �Hey just letting you know, I�m resigning, because [I found something that pays better] [I found something that is more in line with where I�m at professionally] [Personal reasons] [whatever]. This is not a mandatory step, you do this with a boss you like, you can skip it if the conversation makes you anxious.

2. Open Word, or your text editor of choice, and write the following:

Dear [Person who signs my evals],

I hereby resign my position as [title] at [company]; my last day worked will be [date].

Regards,

[Signature]

No need for anything else. Now is not the time for petty grievances, this is a legal document to close out your employee file. Save as PDF, attach to email. Send email to the person who signs your eval, CC your direct manager and HR. Congrats! You�ve quit!

3. The phone call.

So now the person you just sent the email to is having a bit of a freak out (or popping sparkling wine). Either they, their boss and HR are going to call you and tell you:

You�ve made a mistake, think about your [company] family (LOL)

Can we offer you something to make you rethink your decision? (This is a trap, answer �no, I�m sorry but my decision is final.�)

Can you extend your last day to [date]? (No, sorry, I�ve already made commitments. The commitment can be to your Animal Crossing island, it�s none of their business)

We were just about to offer you a promotion to [job you�ve been trying for for years] (this is also a trap)

Basically anything to try and keep you on longer, but these are all bullshit. This is to avoid having to replace you not because they like you, but because interviewing people is a PITA for hiring managers. You�ll always be branded as �not a team player� or �not loyal to the company� at best, at worst they�re just floating you until they can get you to train someone else. It�s not because they like you.

A good manager should not be surprised by a resignation. Keep that in mind.

4. The Walkout

For whatever reason, they�ve decided to walk you out. Cool! Vacation time! You�ve already cleaned out most of your personal effects from your desk before you even handed in your resignation, right?

Otherwise, stay calm. No sense making a scene, take the high ground. Be the cool guy who doesn�t look back at the explosion. Make sure you have:

House and car keys

Transit pass

Your personal phone

Wallet

Any professional certifications you might have had at your desk

Everything else, nicely ask the HR person walking you out to ship to your home address. Keep in mind the people working next to you might help themselves to some of your poo poo, too bad, write it off. Cost of doing business.

5. The exit interview

There�s nothing in it for you. Unless you�ve got some criminal acts to report (sexual harassment, embezzling, sanction breaking, whatever), they don�t care. If you do, call the ethics hotline before you resign.

Exit interview feedback falls into two categories:

1. This person is going to sue us
2. This person is not going to sue us.

They might tell you - and the person trying to perform the exit interview might truly believe - that this feedback is used to improve working conditions. This is a lie. Want to complain about the hours, your boss� attitude, wages? Guess what? They already know

They might threaten to give you a bad reference. Unless you�re in a tiny industry, this is a bullshit threat.

Enjoy your new job!

I'm Eric the Mauve, and I approve this message.

# ? May 14, 2024 02:36

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# ? Jun 10, 2024 10:20

Powerful Two-Hander: Mar 10, 2004; Mods please change my name to "Tooter Skeleton" TIA.

Arrrrrrggghhhh stop asking me about the format of your own drat presentation content, these are your templates! You're supposed to be the change team for fucks' sake.

# ? May 14, 2024 08:40

Shrieking Muppet: Jul 16, 2006

Sundae posted:

Good advice for regular offices or earlier signatures (automation, technical SMEs, etc), but this approach doesn't work for QA in a regulated manufacturing environment. QA is the final approver for almost everything we touch. If they're not the final signature on the document, I am out of compliance. There is (probably?) no drug regulatory agency on earth that won't rake me over the coals for qualifying equipment or manufacturing processes without QA approval of the process/report/test scripts/etc.

Nagging and escalation end up being the name of the game here, because if they don't concur (whether you told them to get feedback in six weeks ago or not), they don't sign the approval form and you can't move to the next step. It's just life in the field.

Isn�t inaction or QA taking too long also frowned upon by the FDA

# ? May 14, 2024 10:19

Renegret: May 26, 2007; THANK YOU FOR CALLING HELP DOG, INC.

YOUR POSITION IN THE QUEUE IS *pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*

Cat Army Sworn Enemy

If it's anything like my org, if I don't follow up on an issue it's my fault.

If another group doesn't follow up on an issue, it's my fault for not nagging them enough.

If another group ignores my repeated nagging, it's my fault for not pushing them hard enough.

# ? May 14, 2024 10:26

Powerful Two-Hander: Mar 10, 2004; Mods please change my name to "Tooter Skeleton" TIA.

lunch was provided :siren:

But it was catered for about 60% of the people in the space it was in.

# ? May 14, 2024 11:53

Atopian: Sep 23, 2014; I need a security perimeter with Venetian blinds.

Access to lunch

# ? May 14, 2024 12:36

Cael: Feb 2, 2004; I get this funky high on the yellow sun.

Renegret posted:

If it's anything like my org, if I don't follow up on an issue it's my fault.

If another group doesn't follow up on an issue, it's my fault for not nagging them enough.

If another group ignores my repeated nagging, it's my fault for not pushing them hard enough.

We have an internal mantra of "you see it, you own it" which conceptually sounds like good practice until you realize it's a way to make the exact behavior officially endorsed . . .

# ? May 14, 2024 12:47

Boris Galerkin: Dec 17, 2011; I don't understand why I can't harass people online. Seriously, somebody please explain why I shouldn't be allowed to stalk others on social media!

Powerful Two-Hander posted:

lunch was provided

But it was catered for about 60% of the people in the space it was in.

~~Literally 3/5ths of a person~~

3/5th compromise

Boris Galerkin fucked around with this message at 12:53 on May 14, 2024

# ? May 14, 2024 12:48

Renegret: May 26, 2007; THANK YOU FOR CALLING HELP DOG, INC.

YOUR POSITION IN THE QUEUE IS *pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*

Cat Army Sworn Enemy

Cael posted:

We have an internal mantra of "you see it, you own it" which conceptually sounds like good practice until you realize it's a way to make the exact behavior officially endorsed . . .

I have very mixed feelings on what's in the pipeline for us.

For the longest time all of my department's management were lifers with the company who have been here for 10+ years with little outside experience with other orgs. We had a lot of processes that were in-house solutions, and then
in-house solutions to the problems that the original solution made up. We got away with it because as a BU, we made it work and nobody doubts that we're very effective at what we do.

Except now we have a completely new management team who has walked in and basically said, what in the actual gently caress is going on here? Sure we get our jobs done but we don't follow the ITIL framework so they don't understand what everyone's roles are, don't understand the division of labor, and don't understand what we actually do all day.

The end result is of course a poo poo ton of growing pains where we're now suddenly expected to wrangle our ticketing schema to report on KPIs in a way it was never designed to do and isn't equipped to. Caught in the middle are a few hundred tickets that assorted groups are stuck with ownership for pending other departments, but we can't reassign tickets or hold those other departments accountable for yet because the new management hasn't agreed on how to deal with that yet. There's also an absolute gently caress ton of extra busy work because every tiny thing needs to be meticulously documented so now most of my day is putting in 30-45 minutes of documentation work for a job that takes me 30 seconds. But I don't even mind that so much because I've always been very good with my documentation and always complained about the amount of effort I've spent trying to figure out what other people did because they didn't write anything down.

Long term we're gonna see big changes and big changes are scary, but I honestly believe it's going to be for the better. Best case I end up with new, more interesting responsibilities and a title bump, worst case I just keep doing what I'm already doing, which is being mildly annoyed and doing what I'm told to do like a good cog.

# ? May 14, 2024 13:13

Tomfoolery: Oct 8, 2004

dpkg chopra posted:

Will likely be accepting an offer and giving my two weeks notice tomorrow.

Gimme your quitting advice (it�s a fully remote unfortunately so no in person tearful goodbyes).

I'm going to go against established wisdom - best way to quit a remote job is to keyboard goop

# ? May 14, 2024 13:36

Renegret: May 26, 2007; THANK YOU FOR CALLING HELP DOG, INC.

YOUR POSITION IN THE QUEUE IS *pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*

Cat Army Sworn Enemy

That's just the remote version of taking a dump on your boss's desk.

# ? May 14, 2024 14:06

Tnuctip: Sep 25, 2017

Eric the Mauve posted:

I'm Eric the Mauve, and I approve this message.

Good post and repost (ie not one of mine)

I was texted yesterday by old HR asking if I would do an interview. This reaffirms my decision to just ignore their exit interview request. I (somehow) managed to resign gracefully and be missed, anything else I say can only make whatever opinion they had of me worse.

# ? May 14, 2024 14:08

dpkg chopra: Jun 9, 2007; Fast Food Fight; Grimey Drawer

Tomfoolery posted:

I'm going to go against established wisdom - best way to quit a remote job is to keyboard goop

Way ahead of you buddy. The keyboard is mine so I�m not sure how this helps, though???

# ? May 14, 2024 14:32

Tomfoolery: Oct 8, 2004

Renegret posted:

That's just the remote version of taking a dump on your boss's desk.

If he was planning to stick around for 6 more months (maybe for a bonus), and was willing to spend that time stretching out his anus, I would have recommended a much better option

EDIT:

dpkg chopra posted:

Way ahead of you buddy. The keyboard is mine so I�m not sure how this helps, though???

Is it too late to request an expensive ergonomic keyboard

Tomfoolery fucked around with this message at 14:35 on May 14, 2024

# ? May 14, 2024 14:32

Cael: Feb 2, 2004; I get this funky high on the yellow sun.

Renegret posted:

Long term we're gonna see big changes and big changes are scary, but I honestly believe it's going to be for the better. Best case I end up with new, more interesting responsibilities and a title bump, worst case I just keep doing what I'm already doing, which is being mildly annoyed and doing what I'm told to do like a good cog.

We are in much the same boat and I absolutely have your mentality. We are getting a new high up IT leader from outside the company (for probably the first time in decades), and it could be better or it could be worse but it WILL be different and that�s absolutely what we need because the current status quo is pure garbage.

# ? May 14, 2024 15:52

priznat: Jul 7, 2009; Let's get drunk and kiss each other all night.

Renegret posted:

If it's anything like my org, if I don't follow up on an issue it's my fault.

If another group doesn't follow up on an issue, it's my fault for not nagging them enough.

If another group ignores my repeated nagging, it's my fault for not pushing them hard enough.

Goddamn thread title length limits!!

This is absolutely the case where I am too. It�s always a mad dash for people to foist anything off on someone else and then their follow up is just telling their manager �I asked priznat to do it� which usually meant they teams messaged me at 6AM my time.

However I absolutely can not foist things off both due to my own personality and my boss requiring follow through.

He has said any of those requests just forward to him (and usually they do not escalate and just back off)

# ? May 14, 2024 16:02

Arquinsiel: Jun 1, 2006; "There is no such thing as society. There are individual men and women, and there are families. And no government can do anything except through people, and people must look to themselves first."

God Bless Margaret Thatcher
God Bless England
RIP My Iron Lady

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Corporate Megathread: it's my fault for not nagging them enough.

# ? May 14, 2024 16:09

Baddog: May 12, 2001

Arquinsiel posted:

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Corporate Megathread: it's my fault for not nagging them enough.

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Corporate Megathread: it's my fault

# ? May 14, 2024 16:25

Che Delilas: Nov 23, 2009; FREE TIBET WEED

Baddog posted:

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Corporate Megathread: it's my fault

It's not me. It's the workers who are wrong.

# ? May 14, 2024 17:04

Eric the Mauve: May 8, 2012; Making you happy for a buck since 199X

Baddog posted:

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Corporate Megathread: it's my fault

Can we start a corporate management thread and title it Corporate Management Thread: It's Not My Fault

# ? May 14, 2024 17:12

priznat: Jul 7, 2009; Let's get drunk and kiss each other all night.

Eric the Mauve posted:

Can we start a corporate management thread and title it Corporate Management Thread: It's Not My Fault

Only if people don�t post in there directly instead direct others to post on their behalf

# ? May 14, 2024 17:13

dpkg chopra: Jun 9, 2007; Fast Food Fight; Grimey Drawer

I�m neither R or A for this task which means I don�t give a Rat�s rear end.

# ? May 14, 2024 17:18

Trabant: Nov 26, 2011; All systems nominal.

priznat posted:

Only if people don�t post in there directly instead direct others to post on their behalf

"I need an urgent effortpost, the mods and IKs have called for a thread bump."

thread bump is cancelled, no effortpost is ever posted, repeat every month

# ? May 14, 2024 17:34

priznat: Jul 7, 2009; Let's get drunk and kiss each other all night.

Trabant posted:

"I need an urgent effortpost, the mods and IKs have called for a thread bump."

thread bump is cancelled, no effortpost is ever posted, repeat every month

Get a PM to manage the post schedule and poke the underlings to actually do something on schedule

# ? May 14, 2024 17:41

Renegret: May 26, 2007; THANK YOU FOR CALLING HELP DOG, INC.

YOUR POSITION IN THE QUEUE IS *pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*

Cat Army Sworn Enemy

We paid $5million to a vendor to write an AI to bump the thread for us.

*is a 30 line python script*

# ? May 14, 2024 17:45

Sundae: Dec 1, 2005

priznat posted:

Only if people don�t post in there directly instead direct others to post on their behalf

Also, I don't think we can embed powerpoints in posts yet.

Shrieking Muppet posted:

Isn�t inaction or QA taking too long also frowned upon by the FDA

Yes, if the inaction / too long is impacting existing product or putting patient safety / agreed-upon supply at risk. So like, inaction in response to a product complaint or an internal product investigation? Bad to very bad. Inaction against a process improvement or equipment change to meet early clinical projected demand or to add a new functionality? Not their problem, no impact to existing patients or agreements, that's just a problem with your business model.

My stuff is early phase clinical. The FDA gives no shits if QA is slow to review qualification protocols to introduce new types of equipment at my stage of development.

Sundae fucked around with this message at 17:58 on May 14, 2024

# ? May 14, 2024 17:49

priznat: Jul 7, 2009; Let's get drunk and kiss each other all night.

I got McKinsey to analyze my posting style and they just came back with one word : �stop�

It cost $150k

# ? May 14, 2024 17:57

Midjack: Dec 24, 2007

Sundae posted:

Also, I don't think we can embed powerpoints in posts yet.

Export as images and make a huge rear end jpeg out of all of them. Or one slide per post.

# ? May 14, 2024 18:02

KYOON GRIFFEY JR: Apr 12, 2010; Runner-up, TRP Sack Race 2021/22

priznat posted:

I got McKinsey to analyze my posting style and they just came back with one word : �stop�

It cost $150k

underpriced tbf

# ? May 14, 2024 18:02

Eric the Mauve: May 8, 2012; Making you happy for a buck since 199X

priznat posted:

I got McKinsey to analyze my posting style and they just came back with one word : �stop�

It cost $150k

# ? May 14, 2024 18:05

Kyrosiris: May 24, 2006; You try to be happy when everyone is summoning you everywhere to "be their friend".

KYOON GRIFFEY JR posted:

underpriced tbf

See, I was gonna say that sounded surprisingly concise, but you're also not wrong.

# ? May 14, 2024 18:10

3 DONG HORSE: May 22, 2008; I'd like to thank Satan for everything he's done for this organization

I will do the needful.

Please advise...

# ? May 14, 2024 19:04

Fil5000: Jun 23, 2003; HOLD ON GUYS I'M POSTING ABOUT INTERNET ROBOTS

priznat posted:

I got McKinsey to analyze my posting style and they just came back with one word : “stop”

It cost $150k

they should have also told you that for another 500k they can reduce your posting by 30%

# ? May 14, 2024 19:12

Trabant: Nov 26, 2011; All systems nominal.

Finally, truth in titles

# ? May 14, 2024 22:32

Boris Galerkin: Dec 17, 2011; I don't understand why I can't harass people online. Seriously, somebody please explain why I shouldn't be allowed to stalk others on social media!

Trabant posted:

Finally, truth in titles

lmao that's a real company

They are hiring a Technology Analyst and an Engineering Technician. For the analyst role:

quote:

The job holder will own the business IT roadmap and will play a key role in delivery of roadmap projects supporting the business to stay ahead of emerging cyber threats.

Yes that does sound like a job one would drink a lot doing.

# ? May 14, 2024 23:47

dpkg chopra: Jun 9, 2007; Fast Food Fight; Grimey Drawer

Nah man, give me back my ssh keys I�m cool to access this drive

# ? May 14, 2024 23:54

Quackles: Aug 11, 2018; Pixels of Light.

3 DONG HORSE posted:

I will do the needful.

Thank.

# ? May 15, 2024 00:00

Renegret: May 26, 2007; THANK YOU FOR CALLING HELP DOG, INC.

YOUR POSITION IN THE QUEUE IS *pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*

Cat Army Sworn Enemy

dpkg chopra posted:

Nah man, give me back my ssh keys I’m cool to access this drive

No way. Telnet home or else I'm calling infosec

Renegret fucked around with this message at 01:05 on May 15, 2024

# ? May 15, 2024 00:54

Good-Natured Filth: Jun 8, 2008; Do you think I've got the goods Bubblegum? Cuz I am INTO this stuff!

There's a new person on our project team that doesn't know how to answer A/B questions. "Hey. Do you think we should do A or B?" "Yes." "Did you reply to the business with A or B?" "Yes."

It's happened several times over the past couple days, so I'm pretty sure it's not a fluke. I know "Yes" is technically a correct answer in those scenarios - they did in fact do A or B - but it's making me want to throw my computer.

# ? May 15, 2024 13:23

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# ? Jun 10, 2024 10:20

Atopian: Sep 23, 2014; I need a security perimeter with Venetian blinds.

If they're technically inclined, just tweak your typing slightly.

"Should we go with A XOR B? Please respond in the form of a logic table."

# ? May 15, 2024 13:32

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Corp Megathread: A box covered with the dust of years, labeled "EMPLOYEE SUGGESTIONS"

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