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It's still. not. dead. It's still not loving DEAD are you KIDDING ME "the journey of a thousand trailers begins with one thread" - Lao Tzu In the age of the internet where announcements are streamed globally we still rely on a bunch of idiots jumping around on stages in gigantic theaters hawking their unfinished games at us and promising that this time they won't gently caress up. Is this all there is to our remaining years on a dying planet? gently caress. poo poo. piss. And it's only ONE week away what the gently caress. We come together united in hate to laugh beyond our miserable existences towards companies trying to manufacture viral hashtags and memes, dance squads and fitness bods, season passes and gamers fat asses, controllers disconnecting and Amiibo collecting, games delayed for years and Reddit MRA tears, DLC's and a million gifv's. There's no deflopper safe from the wrath of E3 goons. Prepare accordingly, or end up like this guy: http://i.imgur.com/g80LCb8.gifv LAST YEAR  "victory is fleeting. proceduraly generated roguelikes with survival elements are forever" - billie jean king The year was 2015. Bitcoin sponsored a college football game, Donald Trump was not REALLY gonna run for president you guys, and Berserk had not gotten off the boat. Star Wars fans were mad that women were in the new trilogy (whew what a difference a year makes, huh!). Greg Hardy threw a woman on top of a bunch of guns and then played for the Cowboys. The Who still had theme songs on CBS, and Chuck Lorre ripped a huge fart on TV. We learned that Black Lives Matter, but also that All Lives Matter, especially white lives. Ken Levine will remember that. Sony is the only thing anyone actually remembers from E3 because they made three big announcements: a Shenmue 3..... kickstarter, the Last Guardian..... still in development, and Final Fantasy 7 remake, a thing people wanted until it became extant. It was a brief sojourn to the old early 2000s of E3 when game journalists stood up and cried while jerking off in the auditorium. Microsoft made us watch a guy walk around a table with stupid looking glasses, and its big announcement was that you can play (specific) Xbox 360 games on your Xbox One! Now you can play all the great Xbox 360 exclusives like Kameo and Blue Dragon. The only good thing announced is a collection of old Rare games to remind you that they used to make video games once, and all of them were better before Xbox. There's also Recore, a game by Keiji Inafune, so you can look forward to its release in 2019 after it launches two separate Kickstarter campaigns. Nintendo promised that the Wii U and 3DS were not dead while also holding the bloodstained axe and swinging it around live on camera. There were puppets, symbolic of Nintendo reaching into their rear end in a top hat for games, like Mario Tennis: Paid Demo and Metroid: gently caress You. Iwata passed away, that's still a bummer, but listen. WE'VE GOT MORE AMIIBOOOOS!!! True to their nature of not wanting to get people excited about the future in any respect, all but one of their E3 titles are available now (#FE being the last to release) and they neither talked about their next console or their exciting splash into the world of mobile apps that try to disrupt twitter and fail. E3 2015 was an awful mess but it did change things up. Bethesda and Square Enix got in on the stage show dumpster party. While Square Enix was busy announcing Platinum's fourtieth game in production, Bethesda was disappointing us with Fallout 4 while shouting at us that Elder Scrolls Online is NOT DEAD!!! IT'S NOT!!!! There was a PC Gaming Show, and it had a video card in a briefcase like it was a secret leak from the pentagon. Ubisoft's For Honor looked so much like a MOBA that they had to put in their FAQ that it's not a MOBA but it probably is. Epic has a MOBA. Gearbox has a MOBA. Microsoft has a MOBA. Do you guys like MOBAs??? THIS YEAR For some reason everyone decided that this generation of games sucks and they're going to start over. Playstation 4.5/4K/NEO/swordfish. Xbox One.5. The Nintendo NX. Which means all new promises to break and exclusives to lose! Tech demos that serve no purpose! And of course, the VR push continues, with PlaystationVR, Microsoft's partnership with Oculus, and Valve... look games take time to make alright. All of this together will combine to form what should be the most disappointing E3 yet!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2d5kiu5zj2s WHERE TO WATCH Twitch is the official partner of E3 but perhaps you find their greasy Manic Panic-stained hair distracting. Youtube has their own E3 feed and last year, everyone's favorite hypeman/punchingbag Geoff Keighley was their host. Giant Bomb has their own deal, IGN has their own deal, Gamespot has their own deal. Chances are, if you've stuck with one you're probably sticking with them forever. This poo poo's gonna be terrible but whateer lets do this GET ON BOARD FOR  
The 7th Guest fucked around with this message at 01:32 on Jun 6, 2016 |
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Apr 25, 2016 05:31
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THE ROAD TO E3 SCHEDULE Deus Ex Universe (June 8th, 8:30 AM PT/11:30 AM ET) Gameplay demo of the upcoming Deus Ex: Mankind Divided as well as promises of new Deus Ex projects. Are they going to continue their trainwreck of an iOS spinoff? A movie? Will the European guy still be doing push-ups in his holding cell?? EA: EA Play 2016 (June 12th, 1 PM PT/4 PM ET) Presenter: Andrew Wilson Location: Club Nokia?? EA is not even at E3 this year, opting for a separate venue, perhaps because EA has fewer titles slated for 2016 than Nintendo. No Dragon Age to have a violinist dance around in front of, no Dead Space sequel to ruin further. Mass Effect Andromeda will probably miss this year, but we'll see it at E3. Is Medal of Honor dead? Will there ever be a Battlefield Bad Company 3? Is Titanfall still a big deal? Remember Origin? wait that still exists? oh Bethesda (June 12th, 7 PM PT/10 PM ET) Last year, Bethesda had a reason to have their first very own stage show; the first real look at Fallout 4, a new DOOM, a new Dishonored. This year... uhhh. DLC?? Will this be a stage show about DLC?? Maybe there will be a new Wolfenstein. Or maybe there will just be a lot of DLC instead. Kadokawa Games (June 12th/13th, 9:30 PM PT/12:30 AM ET) I'm not sure if this one is even being streamed, it's a Japanese publisher doing an E3 conference in Tokyo. Expect lots of otaku games. Microsoft (June 13th, 9:30 AM/12:30 PM ET) Presenter: Phil Spencer  Theres just been something missing from Microsoft's E3 presence without Don Mattick's smarmy pancake face. Phil Spencer looks like a TV/IV goon and lies like an E/N goon, but it's not the same. They don't even have the yearly bland Call of Duty demo to make fun of anymore! The "generation reboot" rumors started with Microsoft and a potential hardware upgrade to Xbox One, but Microsoft has uncharacteristically kept a lid on leaks ever since and denied it. And maybe they aren't upgrading. The usual Xbox business model is to lose a shitload of money until the system is in every home, and Xbox One has still sold less, lifetime, than the Gamecube. Now there's talk that they are simply bringing out a new Elite model instead. One thing that Microsoft will talk up this year is Windows 10 gaming, as part of their five-year cycle where they pretend to be really excited about PC gaming for two years and then change their minds. So far Xbox One W10 games have had framerates tied to refresh rates, no exit button, lack of visual options, no vsync, no crossfire/SLI, forced internal resolutions, and performance issues, so it's all looking up! The 2016 PC Gaming Show presented by PC Gamer (June 13th, 12 PM PT/3 PM ET) The first annual E3 PC Gaming Show should very well have been its last. there is no pain or pleasure to be found here, only a creeping sense of existential terror pulling at you until you either close the stream or fall asleep. Last year's show ran near 3 hours and had about 10 minutes of content. I think the DayZ guy had a game announced here? gently caress. Since this runs before Ubisoft's show, I assume they've massively trimmed it down to just one hour and will spare us the copious expanses of nothing that last year had. Ubisoft (June 13th, 1 PM PT/4 PM ET) Presenter: Aisha Tyler    The only company that 'gets' E3 is not even American. Soon all our videogames will be outsourced and we have only ourselves to blame!! Without even an Assassin's Creed title to debut this year, Ubisoft should return to their roots: dance squads, fitness games and Rabbids. Their E3 promo image this year hints at more Rabbids, as Rabbids vs Minions forms pop culture's most obnoxious cold war. Heyyy maybe a Rabbids/Minions crossover!!! Square Enix (cancelled?)  After a lengthy exodus Square returned to stage shows last year, and gave us Nier 2, Kingdom Hearts 3 footage and not-Chrono-Trigger. However, Square has been silent on a stage show this year, only promoting their Youtube livestream that will run throughout E3, and the aforementioned Deus Ex event listed above. The end of a one year era??? Sony (June 13th, 6 PM PT/9 PM ET) Presenter: Andrew House Location: Shrine Auditorium  pictured: game journalisbm The company that has ruined E3 with their disgusting "exciting reveals" is ready to unveil another: the Playstation 4.5K Neo Alpha, the New 3DS of consoles. The only redeeming thing about Sony's E3 stage presence is their commitment to VR, and with the Vive and Rift on the market, you can bet PlaystationVR will be featured, hopefully just as awkwardly as the last time it was demonstrated. Look I get it, big name games, dream projects, blah blah. Where's my fuckin WonderBook? It's like they forgot what E3 is really about. Assholes!!! Nintendo Treehouse Live (June 14th, 9 AM PT/12 PM ET, plus two day live stream) Presenter: Reggie Fils-Aime, Bill Trinen, Treehouse team Location: Nintendo's E3 Booth  Nintendo's E3 is like a trip inside Willy Wonka's factory, except with each year the machines are starting to rust over and break down, and the oompa loompas are on strike, and also someone stole their fizzy-lifting drinks. Later this year we find out what the gently caress the Nintendo NX is, which will probably be renamed the Nintendo Wii-Wii, and be a handheld that you wear that's also VR that's also a cloud server that's also an Android phone that's also a PC. basically everyone is pulling poo poo out of their rear end. UNFORTUNATELY, Nintendo will not be fulfilling our trainwreck dreams and is not showing NX at E3. Instead, June 14th is dedicated entirely to Zelda, starting with a Direct and continuing with an entire day of Treehouse coverage of the game. On June 15th, the Treehouse stream will be showing other games, including third party games, so it's good to know that Nintendo's relationship with third parties is still "uhh yeah sure we totally care about you lol" Level 5 Vision 2016 (Confirmed, Date TBD)   The best E3 event of 2015 happened well before E3 in Japan, as Level 5 engaged in the systemic disintegration of their company live for everyone on UStream to watch. Yes, USTREAM. This was almost on the level of Konami luchador bad. Translators struggling to keep up with the people on stage, musical performances with dancing and jpop and TREMENDOUS suits, gutting of franchises and worship of Lord Mobile. Professor Layton's new game didn't star Layton and also wasn't a puzzle game and also was barely even a game and then it was shelved indefinitely?? A sequel to Fantasy Life was announced.. for MOBILE!! Then it was delayed. And delayed. And delayed. It's still not out. What to expect this year?? Well, Yokai Watch, yokai watch, yokai watch, yokai watch, yokai watch, yokai watch, and also Ni No Kuni 2, now with twice the boring grind. The 7th Guest fucked around with this message at 17:21 on Jun 7, 2016 |
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Apr 25, 2016 05:32
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GAMES AT E3 Ace Attorney 6: Spirit of Justice (3DS/IOS) - Capcom Wanted Sherlock Holmes Attorney? gently caress you, says capcom. Have your Maya and be happy Batman (XB1/PS4/PC) - Telltale Telltale has said it's basically The Wolf Among Us but Batman. Can't be any worse than what Zach Snyder did. Battlefield 1 (XB1/PS4/Origin) - EA, DICE Rather than play future arms race with COD the DICE boys have taken us back to WW1. Expect COD to do this next year but it will also involve ancient aliens Borderlands 3 (TBA) - Gearbox Anticipating the imminent financial ruin about to be unleashed by Battleborn, Gearbox is already fast at work on another zany wacky random Borderlands game, and figuring out how to have Tiny Tina reference Beyonce's Lemonade. Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare (XB1/PS4/PC) - Activision The military future-fest continues. For a fun prank swap the boxart with Titanfall 2's and see if anyone notices Crackdown 3 (XB1) - Microsoft Cloud-powered destruction! *fast forward to 2018* we're sorry to inform you that Crackdown 3 has ended and will no longer be supported, thank you for playing, you will now be sent back to the xbox one menu Detroit: Become Human (PS4) - Quantic Dream, Sony Another one of David Cage's rotoscoped turds, this one is about his ideal robot girl wife. You WILL see it at Sony's E3 presentation and you WILL wonder why this dude keeps getting to make games. Dreams (PS4) - Media Molecule A sandbox creation game that can be used to make neat things and is also the ideal E3 game because it is absolutely impossible and baffling to explain or demonstrate in a short stage presentation Deus Ex: Mankind Divided (XB1/PS4/PC) - Square Enix (2nd E3 appearance) Remember when Square trapped and fake-tortured a guy in some room for 3 days on Twitch. Anyway the sequel to Human Revolution removes the yellow filter and any sense that your choices in the previous game mattered. Jensen takes on hamfisted allegories for racism, to the applause of Polygon staffers everywhere Final Fantasy 7 Remake (PS4) - Square Enix Cloud in a dress in high definition Final Fantasy 15 (PS4/XB1) - Square Enix JRPG road trip with youre consentual j/o bros. These stylish playboys are on their way to a homestuck convention and you have to keep the car on the road or the game ends. Gears of War 4 (XB1/Windows 10) - Epic (2nd E3 appearance) Who gives a gently caress it's not Bulletstorm 2 WHERE THE gently caress IS BULLETSTORM 2 Gran Turismo Sport - Polyphonic, Sony The latest in the series of photorealistic racing games that everyone plays for two weeks at launch taking pictures of their car and then goes back to a more fun game Horizon: Zero Dawn (PS4) - Guerilla Games A game based on the comic strip BC by jew-hater Johnny Hart where you hunt dinosaurs and drive in a Cadillac Last Guardian (PS4) - SIE Japan (50th E3 appearance) After this game is out we'll need a new game to make fun of for never coming out. I vote Kingdom Hearts 3 Legend of Zelda (Wii U/NX) - Nintendo (3rd E3 appearance) Hit with its second delay, to 2017, which makes it now an official Zelda game. LawBreakers (PC) - CliffyB, Nexon Look at the names associated. Do you really want to know more Mass Effect Andromeda (TBD) - Bioware, EA The newest installment in the series that makes everyone angry, there will be all new characters for people to bitch about No Man's Sky (PS4/XB1/PC) - Hellogames (3rd E3 appearance) It's basically Eidolon in space with some shooting and it costs $60. You either are totally into this or don't get it at all. Persona 5(PS3/PS4) - Atlus (2nd E3 appearance) Just admit you like anime. This finally has a release date in Japan (September) so the wait is finally almost ogre Pyre (PS4/XB1/PC) - Supergiant If I listed every single indie game at E3 your browser would crash so I'll just list the new game from the Bastion/Transistor developers Scalebound (XB1) - Platinum (3rd E3 appearance) Possible vaporware??? It was delayed to 2017 in January. Serious Sam 4 - Croteam, NordicGames Coming in 2017 but should at least be on the show floor somewhere, it's expected to be a lot more of a return-to-roots than the COD-satirizing SS3 Talos Principle 2 - Croteam, NordicGames Only just announced so not LIKELY to be at E3 but you never know Titanfall 2(PS4/XB1/Origin) - Respawn, EA Everyone loved Titanfall for three weeks. What a three weeks it was!!! Now it comes to PS4 and PC, I think. Is your Origin client up to date?? Have you launched it in the last 6 months?? Yokai Watch 2 (3DS) - Level 5 The game that made Bill Trinen eat all the donuts is back Zero Escape 3 (3DS/Vita/PC?) - Rising Star Games The deadly VN/puzzle game returns with an art style that no longer looks like dating sim rejects. How will you gently caress up your choices this time?? The 7th Guest fucked around with this message at 18:22 on May 30, 2016 |
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Apr 25, 2016 05:33
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C3: The Three Consoles
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Apr 25, 2016 05:35
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These are always goldmines of cringe humor https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twxMMjDhZ1Y
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Apr 25, 2016 05:37
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I hear the otaku are mad as heck about pants.
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Apr 25, 2016 05:38
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Awesome Welles posted:These are always goldmines of cringe humor
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Apr 25, 2016 05:49
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Rest in peace Konami and your weird rear end E3 conferences. Also QFGII, we'll never get another Bulletstorm, it was too beautiful for this world.
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Apr 25, 2016 05:54
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Quest For Glory II posted:It's still. not. dead. It's still not loving DEAD are you KIDDING ME 
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Apr 25, 2016 05:58
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Konami's gonna come back this year with a new Metal Gear, featuring a David Hayter-voiced Snake, it's going to look great (like MGS2 great), and everyone's going to be really conflicted. There will be a lot of hate thrown around, and Kojima will tweet that he's not mad and wishes it the best of luck. Then, they're going to announce a PS4 HD port of the Vita Silent Hill.
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Apr 25, 2016 06:27
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We need to get some bingo cards and drinking games going for this. I want to take that week off and get a new liver 
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Apr 25, 2016 06:28
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Looking forward to the NX announcement concluding with a twenty minute deep-dive into Nintendoland 2.
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Apr 25, 2016 06:53
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I feel like I make the same predictions every year and every year I'm wrong: -General minor price drops, vanishing SKUs The standard 500GB X1 and PS4s will be shifted off the market and only 1TB base models will be available, but keeping those models very close to current 500GB prices. -Nintendo NX reveal, will have digital BC support for many games, but not with WiiU titles, perhaps even Wii titles. This, coupled with a price drop on the WiiU, makes the WiiU become highly sought-after by this time next year as the 'last great' Nintendo console while the NX is touted as something so revolutionary and new that it it cannot be classified in typical console terms. -MS An optical-drive free XOne bundles with 1TB HD for $199. Includes DL vouchers for multiple games that have been free with Gold for the last year and Rare Replay. MS will have a Kinect 1TB SKU for $329, X1 1TB for $300 to coincide with a HW revision and possible new design. MS will attempt to push out the "Kinect 2-E" remodel of the camera. Alternatively, MS will reveal a $30 LiveVision 2.0 camera for the One that has a single camera and microphone and is aimed at gamers wanting simple video chat options without a Kinect. MS will announce the revival of a long-dormant gaming franchise as a F2P exclusive to Live. -Sony Vita will have a few titles announced for it of any note. Sony will announce a price drop to officially $129 for the handheld. PS4 will not have a have a hardware redesign, but the PS4 4K will have a lot of immediate detractors as it will be a much larger device compared to the PS4. It will be closer in size to an X1 or an original XBox. Someone will fall over during a VR demo.
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Apr 25, 2016 07:09
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I hope Aisha Tyler is still able to host for Ubisoft now that she is on Criminal Minds and that CBS daytime talk show. Seeing her tower over tiny French developers is always a highlight of E3.
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Apr 25, 2016 07:29
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grrarg posted:I hope Aisha Tyler is still able to host for Ubisoft now that she is on Criminal Minds and that CBS daytime talk show. Seeing her tower over tiny French developers is always a highlight of E3.
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Apr 25, 2016 07:33
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They should get Carol from Archer to host
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Apr 25, 2016 07:50
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This e3 is going to suck now that we don't have a MGSV trailer to look forward to.
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Apr 25, 2016 08:05
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Stairmaster posted:This e3 is going to suck now that we don't have a MGSV trailer to look forward to.
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Apr 25, 2016 16:24
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grrarg posted:I hope Aisha Tyler is still able to host for Ubisoft now that she is on Criminal Minds and that CBS daytime talk show. Seeing her tower over tiny French developers is always a highlight of E3. I hope they get someone new to write her script
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Apr 25, 2016 16:34
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I miss Kinect stage presentations and Mr. Caffeine 
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Apr 25, 2016 17:15
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Stoat posted:They should get Carol from Archer to host You want her to burn the place down?
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Apr 25, 2016 18:45
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Can't wait to see Half Life 3!!
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Apr 25, 2016 19:16
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sup, im gonna watch this
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Apr 25, 2016 19:23
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Eonwe posted:sup, im gonna watch this
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Apr 25, 2016 19:30
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things I really want to see: - 13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim, which is the new Vanillaware title and is their first modern day thing and involves loving gundam mechs. All their games are fun and beautiful and I hope they sneak something in to show this time, though I have no idea where. Probably will just wait for TGS  - Ruiner, which is a Devolver game and is kind of a no brainer to appear. Ruiner is going to Ruin Hatred's lunch and probably Hyper Light Drifter too. Looks like neo noir brainsmashing fun for the whole family. - Allison Road, the undead successor to the PT throne, probably not big enough to show here but would be cool if Team17 and one of the console companies snatched the rights for a home console deal for it. I just really wonder what they're up to. - The Rumored Sony-Exclusive Spideyman game which was "leaked" by the same guy who leaked the God of War 4 poo poo. Probably bullshit but oh man I love it if this was not only real, but was the Sucker Punch property they've been working on. We have a better chance of seeing Beyond Good and Evil 2 though. and finally, - WiLD, which I think was seen in 2014 and was a Michel Ancel game which means it's good as dead, and that's sad because it looked beautiful and fun. Also really looking forward to Dishonored 2 and Red Dead pre/sequel. 2016 is so swollen with games as is so I won't be too disappointed if there's not many bombs to drop.
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Apr 25, 2016 20:40
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I'm excited for the next patch for FFXIV to get a trailer.
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Apr 25, 2016 20:43
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Square Enix vs. The Rest http://i.imgur.com/bxLQTSR.gifv
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Apr 25, 2016 20:49
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video games are badass and in e3 2016 video games that i will eventually play will be announced so that is good
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Apr 25, 2016 20:52
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MinibarMatchman posted:Ruiner is going to Ruin Hatred surely nobody has at any point even thought of the concept of making a Hatred Killer
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Apr 25, 2016 21:03
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The OP is one of the most GBS brand miserable things I've seen in games in a while
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Apr 25, 2016 21:03
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And there are no mirrors around and my monitor is definitely on
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Apr 25, 2016 21:03
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Terper posted:Square Enix vs. The Rest What game is this again?
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Apr 25, 2016 21:04
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Nier Automata
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Apr 25, 2016 21:05
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Nier Automata, undoubtedly goty
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Apr 25, 2016 21:05
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Scrub-Niggurath posted:The OP is one of the most GBS brand miserable things I've seen in games in a while im fine with people being humorously deprecating about what amounts to a really silly show every year but last year was pretty fun and nothing can damper my outlook for this one. 2016 in general has so many good games coming out right to the tail end, e3 tacking on some more releases just sweetens the pot. it's games at the end of the day and we love playing them so please enjoy Gamestage Preview Expo 2016, everyone.
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Apr 25, 2016 21:14
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Scrub-Niggurath posted:The OP is one of the most GBS brand miserable things I've seen in games in a while Yeah, it's real good.
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Apr 25, 2016 21:19
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I am unbelievably down for this train wreck. E3 is a special, magical time of year where exciting new games and out-of-touch business men embarrassing themselves unite forces to create their own brand of "something".  http://i.imgur.com/a6uUrJ8.webm Suspicious Cook fucked around with this message at 21:26 on Apr 25, 2016 |
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Apr 25, 2016 21:20
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Yeah the shitpost OP caught me off guard too, since while I'm always up for HOLD ON TO YOUR loving BALLS IT'S A NEW THING FROM RAZER, last year's E3 was actually pretty good. I doubt lightning is gonna strike twice though so it's probably on point.
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Apr 25, 2016 21:20
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Every E3 is usually a good mix of cool and hilariously awkward stuff.
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Apr 25, 2016 21:23
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I can't wait for Sports and TV from Microsoft and cooking up new memes with Mama Aisha
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Apr 25, 2016 21:28
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