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I once spent 45 minutes on a bus with a serious hangover. A woman had recently spilled day-old prawn salad along the length of the bus. What terrible situations have you endured, without going into the depression inducing territory?
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Jul 1, 2016 13:01
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| # ? Jun 9, 2024 11:46 |
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i woke up again
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Jul 1, 2016 13:05
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I was queefed on. When I pulled out. LOL!
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Jul 1, 2016 13:06
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my gf was doing headstand yoga and then queefed in my face
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Jul 1, 2016 13:09
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I was flying from Puno to Lima with a pretty serious pulmonary infection and crippling diarrhea. Then lightning struck the plane and turbulence you wouldn't believe for about 1 hour. The lights went off and people started praying and crying. Thankfully I was in such a poor condition that it all seemed like a scrambled fever dream.
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Jul 1, 2016 13:15
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Realized I had to spend another day on this gay earth. Then got queefed on.
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Jul 1, 2016 13:15
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Lots of queefing ITT.
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Jul 1, 2016 13:17
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On my 21st birthday I was seriously hungover and had to sit in a car with my obese cousin as he ordered a huge meal in the McDonald's drive in. He had a 20 and wanted to use the cash and then put the remainder of what was owed on his credit card. The cashier messed up and put it all on the card and my cousin legit became one of those angry McDonald's customers, yelling and poo poo, while I had to sit and wait for the McNuggets I my hungover stomach was desperately craving. It took like 20 extremely embarrassing minutes before it was resolved. Like, gently caress. He must have been dead broke if he flipped out about ~35 dollars being charged to his card when he had a 20. Just use the 20 on something you would have used your card on, ffs
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Jul 1, 2016 13:20
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I had to take my dad to the ER cause he fell down while blackout drunk and almost lost his two front teeth. He kept arguing that because he was a doctor he didn't need to be there and he almost got tackled by three cops. He kept making a death rattle in the uber on the way there. Also a nurse threatened to kick me out for using the f-word.
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Jul 1, 2016 13:20
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Yesterday a 30+ yr old asian came in and requested only that he have an edible image printed from a photo on his usb. It was just two face shots of Sailor Venus.
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Jul 1, 2016 13:21
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I was loving this dudes wife I met on Craigslist and he came pretty early so he had to watch while I pounded away on her. Must have been terrible for him.
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Jul 1, 2016 13:23
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panhandling for h money with some junky chick who got caught scamming this group of guys and they threatened to beat the poo poo out of us or worse because she refused to give them their money back we both ended up giving them everything we had to not do that
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Jul 1, 2016 13:23
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facebook jihad posted:On my 21st birthday I was seriously hungover and had to sit in a car with my obese cousin as he ordered a huge meal in the McDonald's drive in. He had a 20 and wanted to use the cash and then put the remainder of what was owed on his credit card. The cashier messed up and put it all on the card and my cousin legit became one of those angry McDonald's customers, yelling and poo poo, while I had to sit and wait for the McNuggets I my hungover stomach was desperately craving. It took like 20 extremely embarrassing minutes before it was resolved. That is an expensive McDonalds order. Good job, obese cousin.
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Jul 1, 2016 13:45
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Skeleton Ape posted:That is an expensive McDonalds order. Good job, obese cousin. Eh, while he is definitely obese and ordered a big meal for himself he was buying food for four or five people
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Jul 1, 2016 13:48
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I slept on the kitchen floor in a house full of Mexican immigrants for months. One time I went and nabbed one after he was deported.
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Jul 1, 2016 13:49
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in'
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I got hired for a job and went to work.Cumslut1895 posted:without going into the depression inducing territory? poo poo nvm
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Jul 1, 2016 13:52
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KomodoWagon posted:I got hired for a job and went to work. sorry for your lots
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Jul 1, 2016 14:01
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I was in Afghanistan and we had just lost two guys to an IED. Everyone was really tense and we were ordered to search this village. We all knew there was some taliban there, just nobody knew where, and of course the locals weren't going to tell us. Normally we'd just half rear end it and go home but one of the guys who bought it had a really hot gf at home who kept sending him pics and solo vids and we were all pissed off about losing that. Plus we had pressure from above to find something, anything. So we just go house to house, ransacking them, tossing people in the street, you know. We're not finding anything. The locals are really pissed off now and they're scared because they know that we're mad and that's when bad stuff happens so there's a lot of tension in the air. I get to a house with a woman in a burqa who refuses to go outside. Fine, but I have to search her, and she's not having it. Her male relatives aren't either and our translator is drunk off his rear end and can't help. There's no females attached to us to search this woman so I just tell her I have to do it. She is absolutely not having this and fights back. Two guys hold her arms and I go to lift the burqa. I do and she's totally naked underneath, which is a big no no. As soon as I clear her hips she lets out the nastiest, most rancid queef on me I ever experienced. Worst day of my life.
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Jul 1, 2016 14:05
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got sent to new york for a business meeting, and spent the night before going to all my old haunts and getting shitfaced until like 3:30 in the morning woke up at 7 to get to their office, and spend the next six hours running to the bathroom every 45 minutes to drop another nasty poo poo in their office bathroom (which was basically the CEOs apartment, so everyone could hear and smell it), and none of my demos worked and i was too hungover to debug anything ended up losing the contract, for some reason
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Jul 1, 2016 14:06
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DAD LOST MY IPOD posted:I was in Afghanistan and we had just lost two guys to an IED. Everyone was really tense and we were ordered to search this village. We all knew there was some taliban there, just nobody knew where, and of course the locals weren't going to tell us. Normally we'd just half rear end it and go home but one of the guys who bought it had a really hot gf at home who kept sending him pics and solo vids and we were all pissed off about losing that. Plus we had pressure from above to find something, anything. So we just go house to house, ransacking them, tossing people in the street, you know. We're not finding anything. The locals are really pissed off now and they're scared because they know that we're mad and that's when bad stuff happens so there's a lot of tension in the air. I get to a house with a woman in a burqa who refuses to go outside. Fine, but I have to search her, and she's not having it. Her male relatives aren't either and our translator is drunk off his rear end and can't help. There's no females attached to us to search this woman so I just tell her I have to do it. She is absolutely not having this and fights back. Two guys hold her arms and I go to lift the burqa. I do and she's totally naked underneath, which is a big no no. As soon as I clear her hips she lets out the nastiest, most rancid queef on me I ever experienced. lol. story of the year 2016 edit: Sorry for the loss of your porn hookup. RIP (rest in pornography)
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Jul 1, 2016 14:09
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Was standing up peeing in the toilet, felt a fart coming along so I started to help it on its way It wasn't a fart
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Jul 1, 2016 14:12
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DAD LOST MY IPOD posted:I was in Afghanistan and we had just lost two guys to an IED. Everyone was really tense and we were ordered to search this village. We all knew there was some taliban there, just nobody knew where, and of course the locals weren't going to tell us. Normally we'd just half rear end it and go home but one of the guys who bought it had a really hot gf at home who kept sending him pics and solo vids and we were all pissed off about losing that. Plus we had pressure from above to find something, anything. So we just go house to house, ransacking them, tossing people in the street, you know. We're not finding anything. The locals are really pissed off now and they're scared because they know that we're mad and that's when bad stuff happens so there's a lot of tension in the air. I get to a house with a woman in a burqa who refuses to go outside. Fine, but I have to search her, and she's not having it. Her male relatives aren't either and our translator is drunk off his rear end and can't help. There's no females attached to us to search this woman so I just tell her I have to do it. She is absolutely not having this and fights back. Two guys hold her arms and I go to lift the burqa. I do and she's totally naked underneath, which is a big no no. As soon as I clear her hips she lets out the nastiest, most rancid queef on me I ever experienced. they probably killed her anyway after yall left for breaking the rules of islam
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Jul 1, 2016 14:17
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One time a group of people made a bunch of assertions about me that weren't true so they could get paid at their job. Now their best case scenario on any given day is to get hit by a car or beat up. Their best case scenario. And it only pays off for them if it's by me.
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Jul 1, 2016 14:26
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Qurnah posted:I was flying from Puno to Lima with a pretty serious pulmonary infection and crippling diarrhea. Then lightning struck the plane and turbulence you wouldn't believe for about 1 hour. The lights went off and people started praying and crying. Thankfully I was in such a poor condition that it all seemed like a scrambled fever dream. This doesn't sound too bad because there probably would have been a few other people who had pooped themselves or barfed even without the aid of an illness. You should have let loose and then formed a little club with them.
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Jul 1, 2016 14:35
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cop: step out of the car sir me: 
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Jul 1, 2016 14:36
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vols bitch posted:cop: step out of the car sir cop: here, blow into this
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Jul 1, 2016 15:05
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thathonkey posted:cop: here, blow this
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Jul 1, 2016 15:27
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thathonkey posted:cop: blows my brother's head off
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Jul 1, 2016 15:34
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Back in high-school my girlfriends little brother shot my best friend/cousin with an "unloaded" shotgun her dad had left sitting by the front door when he came back from hunting. Right before the night of the first viewing at the funeral home, I found out my girlfriend had hosed my friend a couple days before the shooting. So, that was pretty awkward.
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Jul 1, 2016 15:50
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i recommend you sever immediately
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Jul 1, 2016 15:52
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Frankenstyle posted:Back in high-school my girlfriends little brother shot my best friend/cousin with an "unloaded" shotgun her dad had left sitting by the front door when he came back from hunting. Right before the night of the first viewing at the funeral home, I found out my girlfriend had hosed my friend a couple days before the shooting. So, that was pretty awkward. I guess you could say he wont be the head of a major corporation
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Jul 1, 2016 15:57
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i got pulled over by a lady cop and she queefed onme then said "your free to go lol"
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Jul 1, 2016 15:59
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I went to London for an extended vacation. In my travels I discovered that they still sold toy cap guns that looked like real guns. I bought one that looked like a silver .38 revolver. When it came time to go back to the U.S., I packed the cap gun in it's original packaging, which looked like a blue holster made of paper, in my suitcase which was not a carry-on. I was flying out of Gatwick Airport which differs from Heathrow as there is a second deck for the police to patrol and have an elevated shooting position in the event that terrorism were to break out. I was not new to traveling and waited for the usual security questions of, "Do you have any weapons or anything that can be construed as a weapon?" No on asked me anything like that as opposed to when I flew over there from the States. Have you ever had thing happen to you when you get on a plane and it seems like the signs for the sets are between the seats so you can't tell if this is seat 26 or that one behind it is? Well, apparently the security at the airport has the same problem. I had taken my seat when security stormed out from all directions in both rows and went to the seat behind me. "Are you Superior Bastard?" I raised my hand and said I was. The polite gentleman asked that I go with him. As I made my way off the fully loaded airplane with hundreds of people looking at me, the security person asked if I was in the military. I replied that I wasn't as we made our way to an undisclosed location with my entourage. We came to a door that he opened and there was a metal table with my suitcase sitting on top of it. "Is this your bag?" he asked. I replied it was and he asked me to open it. As I moved forward to open my suitcase he stepped back. I then asked if this was about the toy capgun in my suitcase and if he would like to inspect it. He then picked it up and saw that it was harmless and put it back in the suitcase. He then wanted to know who questioned me at the security checkpoints and what they looked like. I told him I was waiting for the weapon question and would have gladly told him if asked. They let me go and put me back on the same plane which had been held for me! You cannot imagine the feeling one gets when you are escorted off a jumbo jet by a full security detail. You can only imagine how it feels to have hundreds of faces stare at you as you reappear and make your way back to your seat, having had your flight delayed by 20-30 minutes for a security breach. It was a nice flight as the people sitting next to me were a really nice, elderly Southern couple
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Jul 1, 2016 16:02
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stuck in a negative temps horrible fuckawful blizzard in a snowbank after car slid off the side off the road in the middle of fuckjng nowhere, realize that i will actually die if i dont get indoors soon so have to hitchhike into the next town to call a tow truck which i have to wait around for in a motel lobby for 4 hours, truck finally comes and we get back to my car to find that a ford f150 had slid off in the exact same spot and totalled my car while not receiving a single scratch. blizzard commences for another 12 hours
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Jul 1, 2016 16:03
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i was born !!
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Jul 1, 2016 16:05
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One of my friends got pulled over about a year ago. He had a percocet or something on him, which the cops find. Friend gets put on probation. Pretty soon he's asking for money so he can pay his fines and pay for his piss tests and poo poo. He ends up getting a grand from me overall (because i am a dumb idiot who did not want his friend to go to prison), and is now in rehab for heroin addiction. Found out yesterday another friend has gone back to using as well
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Jul 1, 2016 16:14
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Jimmy Wobbuffet posted:One of my friends got pulled over about a year ago. He had a percocet or something on him, which the cops find. Friend gets put on probation. Pretty soon he's asking for money so he can pay his fines and pay for his piss tests and poo poo. He ends up getting a grand from me overall (because i am a dumb idiot who did not want his friend to go to prison), and is now in rehab for heroin addiction. Found out yesterday another friend has gone back to using as well Should have just unleashed the queef on your friend and saved him from a heroin addiction. Shameful.
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Jul 1, 2016 16:26
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i was driving one day right before a hurricane and all the traffic lights were out so there were cops directing traffic at intersections. I was at the front of a line of traffic waiting and when the cop gave the signal for me to go through the intersection I did, and out of nowhere a jeep ran through the intersection, hit the cop, and t-boned my truck. I got out and checked on the cop, and he was OK so I ran over to the jeep that had hit me and chased it (it was slowly rolling through the intersection) and the only person in it was a woman in a fetal position on the passenger floor apparently unconscious. I jumped in the driver seat, hit the emergency brake, and because gasoline was spraying everywhere I got out and went over to the passenger side and dragged the woman out. I laid her down on the ground and "pfffffft" she let out a huge queef. then she died
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Jul 1, 2016 16:31
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my job is pretty easy but unrewarding?????????????
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Jul 1, 2016 16:32
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| # ? Jun 9, 2024 11:46 |
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paul_soccer10 posted:my job is pretty easy but unrewarding????????????? queef on the clock then
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Jul 1, 2016 17:31
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