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“Boom! Brown Sugar, Banana Pepper, Baby Beignets! Take one of these suckers and dip it in your choice of house-made Cherry Hoisin or fresh Fois Gras Remoulade! NOW THATS SOME SERIOUSLY CRAZY FLAVOR!!”” “Well Guy … These look like soggy hush puppies - buried in brown sugar. I eat it and I think, did he literally just make a pickled-pepper simple syrup, ball up some brioche and let the bread marinate overnight? Its soaking wet. And then you put chunks of duck liver in mayonnaise and served it as a dipping sauce. I … I don't think I've ever-” “NOW THATS FLAVOR TOWN!!” He shouted, winking at the whole room before slipping dark, cheap sunglasses over his eyes and sprouting scaly leather wings from his orange Malibu Beach shirt. He crashed through the stained glass window for the third time that week showering the marble floor in sharp, shimmering confetti. Outside the terrified shrieks of townfolk were drowned out by the thunderous clap of demonic wings. He hurled himself through the darkening sky, haunting laughter bellowing in his wake. As his evil silhouette pierced the horizon the call could be heard again, echoing from the darkest corners of the human psyche. “FLAAAVOOUUUR TOOOOOOOWWWN!!” At the round table, a collective sigh of frustrated tension was released. Martha Stewart tutted and shook her head, Masaharu Morimoto sat graven and pale. Wolfgang stood and placed his palms on the round table, leaning forward at his fellows. “We can just kill him. We should just kill him. It's time.” Bobby Flay waved the notion away with one open hand. “He's one of us. The rules forbid us from fighting amongst ourselves. That's the reason this council was formed in the first place. We can't ignore our holy mandate just because it's inconvenient.” Batali rose, incensed, grabbing madly at a Baby Beignet and throwing it at Bobby's feet. “This food! Is Unholy!” Cheeks flushed red with menace he scowled and seethed. “It can't be allowed! The dark powers have consumed him! He is not one of us! He hides in his foresaken palace, speaking only madness. Crafting Only Abominations! I will not share another council meet with Guy! I WILL NOT!” The wisest of their number straightened his glasses and laced his fingers, eyes set sternly on something just beyond sight. “We only have one reasonable course of action.” Alton said with dignified, measured tone. “The tournament. He must be replaced. We can summon hosts from the spirit realms tonight, have our contestants by tomorrow morning. Its risky, but I don't see that we have any other choice... All in Favor?” The vote was unanimous *-*-* A booming voice broke the sky. Warm and official it echoed from all four corners of the continent, from the red sandstone deserts of the South West to the fetid bogs of the Mergators teeming with their strange shelled fish. The voice was heard in the Haunted Orchards between the spectral limbs of eternal trees. It paused the maelstrom of trade in the shimmering markets of the East. The call was heard on the Forgotten Plain where the Cattlemen Hunt. Even in the decrepit, web-strewn alleys of Flavor Town, the voice was not unheard. ”Twelve Contestants Battle For Culinary Supremacy And A Prestigious Position With The World's Greatest Masters Of The Art. Only One Will Ascend To Take A Seat At The Round Table, Claiming Their Rightful Place In History And An Incredible Cash Prize Of Four Hundred Dollars (paid in eight monthly installments).” “Who Will Be The Next FOOD NETWORK STAR!” The Grocery Between Worlds Beef Prime Rib ---- 20 Ribeye --- 15 Sirloin --- 15 Tenderloin --- 12 T-Bone Steak --- 12 Veal Cutlets --- 12 Lengua (Tongue) --- 10 Brain --- 10 Ground Beef ---6 Pork Ham --- 15 Tenderloin --- 12 Pork Chops --- 12 Ribs --- 10 Ground Pork --- 6 Cracklin' (Skin) --- 6 Poultry Duck --- 12 Emu --- 12 Chicken --- 10 Turkey --- 10 Duck Liver --- 10 Goose --- 10 Pheasant --- 10 Chicken Hearts --- 6 Turkey Skin --- 6 Pidgeon --- 6 Seafood Lobster --- 20 Tuna --- 15 Salmon --- 12 Cod --- 12 Geoduck --- 12 Octopus --- 12 Crab --- 12 Caviar (Roe) --- 10 Prawns --- 10 Langoustine --- 10 Oyster --- 10 Mussels --- 6 Squid --- 6 Sardines --- 6 "White Fish" --- 6 Eccentric Bear Steak --- 15 Horse Steak --- 15 Venison Steak --- 12 Buffalo Steak --- 12 Lamb Shank --- 12 Lamb Chop --- 12 Goat Shank --- 10 Goat Chops --- 10 Whole Rabbit --- 8 Whole Snake --- 8 Whole Iguana --- 8 Whole Turtle --- 8 Whole Possum --- 6 Frog Leg --- 6 Fruits Pineapple --- 6 Watermelon --- 6 Durian --- 6 Orange --- 4 Apple --- 4 Banana --- 4 Strawberry --- 4 Blueberry --- 4 Peach --- 4 Pear --- 4 Plum --- 4 Lemon/Lime --- 4 Kiwi --- 4 Grapefruit --- 4 Vegetables Good Mushroom (Any) --- 6 Brussel Sprouts --- 6 Eggplant --- 6 Kale --- 6 Pumpkin --- 6 Habanero Pepper --- 6 Cauliflower --- 6 Asparagus --- 6 Squash --- 4 Broccoli --- 4 Cabbage --- 4 Lettuce (Any) --- 4 Onion --- 4 Leek --- 4 White Mushroom --- 4 Bell Pepper --- 4 Jalapeno Pepper ---- 4 Garlic --- 4 Shallot --- 4 Green Beans --- 4 Okra --- 4 Corn --- 4 Carrots --- 4 Celery Root --- 4 Tomato --- 4 Zuchinni ---- 4 Starches Fresh Bread --- 8 Cashews --- 8 Panko --- 8 Oatmeal --- 6 Almonds --- 6 Noodles (Any) --- 6 Garbanzo Beans --- 6 Lentils --- 6 Yam --- 4 Potato --- 4 Sweet Potato --- 4 Rice --- 4 Kidney Beans --- 4 Sandwich Loaf --- 4 Barley --- 4 Quinoa --- 6 Dairy Creme Fraiche --- 8 Dark Chocolate --- 8 Milk Chocolate --- 6 Quail Egg --- 6 Goat Cheese --- 6 Blue Cheese --- 6 Sheep Cheese --- 6 Ricotta --- 6 Mozzarella --- 6 Cottage Cheese --- 4 Pepper Jack --- 4 American Cheese --- 4 Chicken Egg --- 4 White Chocolate --- 4 Exotic Truffle --- 10 Juniper Berries --- 8 Mint Paste ---8 Wasabi --- 8 Sugar Cane --- 6 Lemon Grass --- 6 Artichoke --- 6 Edamame --- 6 Water Chestnuts --- 6 Jam (Any) --- 6 Rhubarb --- 4 Peanut Butter --- 4 KhediveRex fucked around with this message at 05:30 on Sep 4, 2018 |
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Aug 15, 2018 02:26
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Alright, what the actual gently caress is going on? It's a Food Network Parody FRG. Basically. But why? WHY?? I made this tremendously complicated system for appraising food mathematically in an RP and you're gonna help me play-test my cooking mechanics. Once I've seen that the system works the way I want it too, we'll be following up with some even more outlandish sequels. So, if you humor me here, it'll just keep getting worse! Carefully explain to me why Guy Fieri has bat wings. Its a medieval high-fantasy world where the culinary arts are much akin to the magical arts. Making hummus is exactly like making a homunculus, calls on the same set of skills. So, Guy Fieri has scaly bat wings because he has fallen to the dark side. The entire Food Network Council have comparable occult powers. They are the most powerful “wizards” in the land and they serve on a council that endeavors to keep the peace. If you make it far enough in the competition, you will also develop incredible magical powers. Hopefully not bat wings but, to each their own. I think your game is stupid but I also want magical food powers. I'm very conflicted. It's pretty easy. Every round you'll pick a couple ingredients and a method of preparing those ingredients. Judges will judge you and the lowest scoring chefs will be “On The Chopping Block”. Everyone votes who to eliminate from the game and we move on to the next round. There will be a couple curveballs thrown in liberally as they amuse I and AI. Everyone gets a role from the beginning with a power. Contrary to standard FRG mechanics, there will also be a scum team in the game. There's honestly a lot of moving parts and way too many numbers but, all you really need to know is, “Cook some ingredients and try to score high”. How do I score high? Its a secret and I will never tell you. You incorrigible minx! Tell me how to score high! I will share exactly as much as is necessary to interact properly with the system. Everything past that is for the players to puzzle through. I want to see people cobbling together eccentric dishes that test personal hypothesis. Its more amusing if you're all fumbling in the dark than min/maxing dishes with perfect stats. I will reveal the full depths of this system after the game has ended. Until then, you'll just have to content yourselves by bouncing theories around in discord. Speaking of … https://discord.gg/rPgnnrm KhediveRex fucked around with this message at 02:35 on Aug 15, 2018 |
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Aug 15, 2018 02:28
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The rules that we feel like sharing. The Story: You are involved in an ancient competition, the purpose of which is replacing one of the Food Network Council. All current members of the Food Network Council acquired their seat in the same tournament you are playing now. They will administer a series of culinary challenges, judge your dishes and ensure the tournament runs smoothly in accordance with ancient traditions. Every round a Chef will be voted out of the competition. When there is only one Chef remaining, that Chef will be permitted to challenge ANY Food Network Councilor for their seat on the Council. Even though this tournament was initiated to replace Guy Fieri, the winning chef may replace ANY member of the Council. There are a number of different endings for this game based on who wins and who they defeat. There is not necessarily a Best Ending. The Mechanics of a Round Ingredients At the beginning of each round you may or may not be allowed to acquire additional ingredients. In a good round, you will be given money and told to purchase ingredients of your choice. In other rounds you may be instructed to choose between pre-determined bundles of ingredients. In some rounds you will be automatically awarded an ingredient or ingredients without be given a choice. In bad rounds, you will be given no additional ingredients and will have to cook only with what you have carried over from prior rounds. Once you have cooked an ingredient, it is gone. You can and are encouraged to store ingredients for use in later rounds. When you are given the option to buy ingredients, spend all of your money. There is value in having extra ingredients and no value in having extra money. Some ingredients are better than others. All ingredients are graded with eight stats. Ingredient Stats Sweet Bitter Salty Herby Sour Umami Spicy Fresh Better quality ingredients assist in producing better quality dishes. However, the final score of a dish is more directly determined by how the ingredients are prepared. There are twenty different cooking methods. Cooking Methods Pan Fry Deep Fry Stir Fry Grill Stew Steam Boil Sous Vide Bake Ice Cream'ed Candied Preserve Raw Smoked Open Fire Hot Stone Science Pressure Cook Salamander Flash Chill All of these cooking methods alter the ingredient stats of the ingredient they are applied to. All twenty cooking methods are equally powerful. However, each one adjusts ingredient stats differently. For certain kinds of dishes, or certain kinds of ingredients, some methods are better than others. However any method can be applied to any ingredient. Cooking methods have a chance of failure. It is slim, to reflect your character's pre-existing expertise in a kitchen. It is also random. When a cooking method fails, it still applies positive modifiers to ingredient stats, but those modifiers will not be as profound as when the cooking method is successful. Cooking You may cook any number of ingredients in a round. Dishes with more ingredients are not necessarily stronger than simpler dishes. No matter how many ingredients you choose to cook in a round, you will select one to be the "Star Ingredient". Your Star Ingredient will have the greatest impact on your dish's final score so, choose wisely. You will select one cooking method for each ingredient you cook in a round. They can be all the same or all different. Once you have chosen all of your ingredients and selected a method for cooking each of them, post the dish you are intending to make and tell us how all of your ingredients are intended to come together. The dish you describe will be the dish you present to the judges. You will not be told your dish's final score until they are judged, at which point everyone's final score will be revealed. You will never be told if your cooking method(s) or ingredient combination(s) were successful. You may however be able to piece together hints from the judges' review of your meal. A Note About Cooking And Ingredients For the purpose of this RP, an "Ingredient" is defined as something I can put a fork or spoon in - something that I can take a mouthful of. While ingredients are limited and somewhat precious, you are presumed to have access to any "Kitchen Staples" you happen to need at the time. Spices, most herbs, butter, cream, water, vinegar, honey, oil, flour, corn starch, cream of tarter, egg yolks, peanut oil, etc. So, for example, if your only ingredient is Lemon, you can still make a Lemon Custard. On the other hand, if you have no Lemons, you may still describe your Salmon dish as having a squeeze of fresh lemon juice on it. If there is any question about whether something is available as a "Kitchen Staple", please contact I or AI and we will resolve your question. Interference Players have powers that may affect other players. If a player uses a power that causes interference, I or AI will make it abundantly clear to the thread what is going on and the ways that it affects the round. Additionally, you will receive interference from the Judges. Every round 2 of the 9 judges will join you in the kitchen. Every judge affects the round in a unique way. I and AI will Not make it abundantly clear what each judge does when interfering. Some of the Judges have very obvious affects. Some of them do not. It will be up to the players to figure out what each judge does while interfering. Judgement There are 9 potential judges, the 9 members of the Food Network Council. In every round 3 Councilors will serve as the Judges. The Judges will change every round. If a Judge has joined the contestants in the kitchen as Interference, they are not eligible to judge that round. Judges Bobby Flay Cat Cora Guy Fieri Martha Stewart Wolfgang Puck Mario Batali Rachel Ray Alton Brown Masaharu Morimoto Every Judge has a unique palette. Each one prefers some Ingredient Stats over others. Each one has kinds of food they prefer over others. Each one will judge your food in a unique way. They will all deliver a different dish score based on how much they liked your dish. These three dish scores will be averaged to provide your "Final Dish Score". Your "Final Dish Score" is the score used to determine who ends up on top and who ends up On The Chopping Block. The highest scoring chef in a round will be rewarded. The three lowest scoring chefs in a round will be On The Chopping Block. Once the three Chefs on the Chopping Block have been identified, all Chefs (Including those on the Chopping Block) will vote for which of the three to eliminate from the game. Once everyone has voted and the votes are tallied, the Chef with the most votes is eliminated. And then we move on to the next round. -*-*-*- That should be enough for people to understand how to properly interact with the system. If there are any questions, alert us and we'll answer what we think is fair for you to know. Some of our secrets we'll be keeping close to the chest - but we want everyone to feel relatively comfortable with what's going on and we're happy to resolve pertinent questions. Thanks again everyone for joining our game. You'll be receiving your character sheets tomorrow. KhediveRex fucked around with this message at 02:52 on Aug 17, 2018 |
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Aug 15, 2018 02:28
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i love cooking sign me right the heck up
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Aug 15, 2018 02:41
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So wait is there actual cooking involved or
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Aug 15, 2018 02:42
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Hi! Anonymous Idiot here to let you all know that we're accepting 12 possible contestants for D5. If you want in, just throw up an interest post, click the discord invite and you're in! Admittance will be at a first come, first serve basis. My apologies if you just miss out on signing up, but you will get front-row seating for this one-of-a-kind FRG! So, get your knives and forks ready! 
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Aug 15, 2018 02:50
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Hi, yes, I will play (or watch gleefully from a full-info observing position, assuming such exists.) Unless it involves actual cooking, in which case I'm definitely observing. This image is a war crime and I am sharing it because I believe it may have been your inspiration Jen X fucked around with this message at 02:54 on Aug 15, 2018 |
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Aug 15, 2018 02:51
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Never mind. Sounds like an interesting game, but probably not the game for me. Have fun, guys.
Epicurius fucked around with this message at 03:25 on Aug 15, 2018 |
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Aug 15, 2018 02:57
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Also consider that an interest post if actual cooking is involved, but what kind of timeframe are you thinking about for this? E.g. how often will challenges take place and so on?
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Aug 15, 2018 02:57
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Podima posted:Also consider that an interest post if actual cooking is involved, but what kind of timeframe are you thinking about for this? E.g. how often will challenges take place and so on? We're currently planning on 72 hour rounds, in which you will acquire ingredients, cook your dishes, receive your judgement and get votes settled. If everything goes very smoothly, we'll tighten up deadlines a bit to keep the pace going. if things go a little fumbly, we'll extend the deadlines so no one feels super rushed. This is kind of an experimental format so, we're more than happy to roll with the punches. As far as actual cooking goes, I can't judge your food unless you send it to me. Please don't send me steaks in the mail. This is a cooking Game. We're using numbers and stats (a lot of numbers and stats) to replicate the cooking process in a roleplaying format. No real cooking is required. On the other hand, if you want to throw something together and post pictures of it, I think it's a fair guess that everyone who plays will be a foody. This'll be a good audience.
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Aug 15, 2018 03:10
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GeneX posted:Hi, yes, I will play (or watch gleefully from a full-info observing position, assuming such exists.) Unless it involves actual cooking, in which case I'm definitely observing. It was certainly an inspiration. It's also kind of a goal. This is the play-test for abominations later to come.
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Aug 15, 2018 03:11
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im interested
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Aug 15, 2018 03:26
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Talk to me about estimated time commitment If it were real cooking I would just climb into dae mikewave but seeing as it is... something else...
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Aug 15, 2018 04:14
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Hold the loving phone I see prize money way higher than normal You said FRG... is there any voting at any point? is there a... social game?? This is very important.
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Aug 15, 2018 04:18
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Aaahhh drat it this is the most tempted I've been, this is succulent forbidden fruit indeed (Great job guys, Christ.)
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Aug 15, 2018 04:20
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Yes. Yes, I will do this thing.
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Aug 15, 2018 04:21
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pera:KhediveRex posted:It's pretty easy. Every round you'll pick a couple ingredients and a method of preparing those ingredients. Judges will judge you and the lowest scoring chefs will be “On The Chopping Block”. Everyone votes who to eliminate from the game and we move on to the next round. Also I'm gonna say I'm in for this, yep.
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Aug 15, 2018 04:26
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Oh fine, yes, I'm in.
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Aug 15, 2018 04:29
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peramene posted:Talk to me about estimated time commitment I would characterize time commitment as "Intentionally Leisurely". I and AI will be doing all the heavy lifting. As players all you've got to do is pick some ingredients and choose a cooking method. There's voting every turn. The chefs who make the weakest dishes end up "On The Chopping Block", and all remaining players vote who among those chefs to eliminate from the game. In that regard, yes, there's a heavily encouraged social portion to the game. Making friends and allies could be very helpful. Some of the game is "Scum Team" however so, be careful who you make close friends with. Also, everyone has a power. And the potential to develop more powers through the course of the game. Everyone also has their own cuisine and flavor principles that influence their dishes and affect how the judges rate their food. All the judges also have their own heavily nuanced palette that pre-disposes them to certain dishes and certain cooking styles. There's twenty different cooking methods before we factor in things like cuisine or ingredient stat or character powers. So, there's a remarkable amount to try and figure out if you want to produce the best dish possible every round. But, for more casual players, you can probably finish your basic post responsibilities checking once a day. No pressure. No commitments. Just a lot of food-centric number madness. And some intrigue.
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Aug 15, 2018 04:54
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AI shows up for my dumb stuff so I will show up for this.
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Aug 15, 2018 05:08
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I am a wizard who enjoys cooking, will I fit in around here? 
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Aug 15, 2018 13:18
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I'm in
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Aug 15, 2018 20:49
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Murmur Twin posted:I am a wizard who enjoys cooking, will I fit in around here? Come join the Discord!
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Aug 16, 2018 00:17
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*slides in* Cooking-based FRG, you say?
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Aug 16, 2018 00:19
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That's a signup, in case it wasn't clear
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Aug 16, 2018 00:22
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Cooking? Nah, I don't think this game is for m- KhediveRex posted:I made this tremendously complicated system I'm in.
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Aug 16, 2018 00:28
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Only Two Spots Left!
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Aug 16, 2018 00:56
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Hey everyone, I don't want to break anyone's heart but There Is No Real Cash Prize For Winning The four hundred dollar prize was supposed to be funny. Apparently on some of these games the mods do actually award real prizes for winning. I wasn't aware and then I was in kind of an awkward position. But, I and AI discussed it, and we are not prepared to spent eight months paying the winner a monthly installment prize. Its less funny sounding in real life then it was when spoken by a disembodied all powerful voice. That said, I might send you some saffron or something. Maybe get you like a Slapchop. I don't know. I'm prepared to do something nice for the winner but, not 400 dollars and eight months of nice. If that changes anyone's mind about playing, just let me know. I hope not though because I'm in love with the cast so far. Discord has been a magical experience and I look forward to the madness we're gonna cook up together. So ... Yeah... Now everyone is duely warned.
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Aug 16, 2018 01:33
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KhediveRex posted:Hey everyone, I don't want to break anyone's heart but I will help sponsor this contest by supplying one forums upgrade of choice to the second place contestant! (after I win of course  )(Obviously the forums upgrade will go to the winner, natch. I'm looking forward to this game!)
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Aug 16, 2018 01:50
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In it to win 400 dollars so I can take my dog to the vet
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Aug 16, 2018 02:47
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KhediveRex posted:That said, I might send you some saffron or something. Maybe get you like a Slapchop. I don't know. I'm prepared to do something nice for the winner but, not 400 dollars and eight months of nice.  quote:If that changes anyone's mind about playing, just let me know. I hope not though because I'm in love with the cast so far. Discord has been a magical experience and I look forward to the madness we're gonna cook up together. 
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Aug 16, 2018 07:15
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Consider this an interest post, if you have room left. 
Liquid Communism fucked around with this message at 09:11 on Aug 16, 2018 |
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Aug 16, 2018 08:36
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Oh boy, sign me the heck up for this one.
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Aug 16, 2018 10:39
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We Are Finished Recruiting! The cast for D5 will be: 1- Flying Leatherman (Frying Cookerman) 2- Podima (Chef Boyardima) 3- GeneX (Mystery Chef X) 4- Sniper4625 (Sniper 425°) 5- Social Studies 3rd Period (Home Ec 3rd Period) 6- CirclMastr (ThrmalmmrsionCirculatorMastr) 7- MurmurTwin (Marinade2Win) 8- Weener Beater (Weener Batter) 9- Chic Trombone (The Chicret Ingredient) 10- Jon Joe (Prawn Po'Boy) 11- MMM Whatcha Say (MMMilk) 12- Liquid Communism (Name Undecided) 13- The Lord of Hats (Name Undecided) I'll spend today posting some of the rules, guidelines and expectations. AI will provide all players with a Confessional tonight or tomorrow. Everyone will get their character sheet tomorrow. We'll begin play in earnest over the weekend. Keep an eye on that third post, it'll be getting a lot of updates tonight explaining how to play and what's going on. And apart from that ... Keep having fun everyone!
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Aug 17, 2018 00:45
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I'll be honest I keep reading D5 as Day 5 a la mafia.
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Aug 17, 2018 01:02
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Dimly lit by ancient torches, you walk through a maze of forgotten subterranean corridors. This labyrinth hails from an older time, a darker era. Not always was The Art preformed in the light. Many centuries past a war raged between the simple men of the world and those gifted with the Culinary Arts. Chefs from all walks of life and every corner of the kingdom were driven into hiding, forced to live beneath the surface like vermin hidden in cupboards. Those without the Art sought to eradicate your kind, for fear of the power you wielded. They made the monster that defeated them. From this era of bloodshed and fear arose the First Council. As sanctums and sanctuaries fell to the human invaders, Nine Champions of the Art assembled here in the final haven of Culinary Mastery. Kitchen Stadium. From this fort, the tides of the war were shifted. By right and ritual the Council's powers grew until they were as Kings and Queens of the Art. The Councilors, the bravest, wisest, most powerful wizards of their era fortified the crumbling foundations of their weary and beleaguered people and lead them to glorious victory. In their care lay the fate of all Magick, all Chefs and the world itself. You seek now to join their number. Are you truly ready? _*_*_*_*_ The earthen corridor ended suddenly, opening into the resplendent warmth and light of a banquet hall bejeweled from floor to ceiling in smoky red jasper. Many kitchen stations adorned the oval hall, equipped with the finest culinary machines to grace the continent. You stare in wonder, never having been in the presence of such culinary splendor. Some chefs have found their way before you, wandering between the machines. Some come from other abandoned earthen corridors around Kitchen Stadium, new comers equally starry eye-ed and pale. As your number reaches Thirteen, an ancient quorum, walls of pitch and stone seal all entrance to the oval banquet hall. And from the very center, upon a raised podium, a heavenly blue-light baths the room in effervescent shadows. When the light perishes, you see nine figures, seated at a long table, looking down upon you. You know these silhouettes. And you feel eerily as though, perhaps, they know you. They do not speak, but instead clap. Thunderous applause. Jubilation. And from the ceiling, two blue specters drift slowly to the ground as petals in the wind, landing firmly on their feet and, in perfect symmetry, straightening their already perfect ties. ”Welcome to Kitchen Stadium.” They speak in unison. “As it began so many centuries ago, so it will begin today. You stand in the capital of an esoteric kingdom, before the Lords and Ladies of a world most will never have the privilege to glimpse. You have found your way to the Tournament. The winds of fate have chosen you all. Congratulations.” “However, only one of your number will earn their place amongst the Kings and Queens of Magick. Fate has selected you all but Destiny will favor only one. For only one can be -” ”THE NEXT FOOD NETWORK STAR” The shout rumbled the banquet hall and pressed psychically on all of you. You see visions of yourself at the round table. You feel a glimmer of the power that will be bestowed on you. It feels good. ”Round one will begin shortly” The chorus of voices say. “But First.... Lets Meet Our Contestants.” A spotlight opens between the spectral hosts who drift away into the lofts of the room, circling like dust in the wind among the rafters of Kitchen Stadium. Their voices ring true once more, seeming to surround the banquet hall. ”Please Introduce Yourself To The Council. Tell Them How You Found Yourself Here. And Why It Is Your Destiny To Join Them.”
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Aug 18, 2018 22:43
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Hey everyone! I don't wanna yell at anyone while I'm all tired and about to lay down for bed, so now I'm rested and ready to type. My guess is that all of you pretty much think I don't spend any time thinking about the kind of cooking I hand out, but I really actually really really do. I've been your chef for about 22 months now, and this entire time I've been working on this meal I'm cooking right now, sort of like a state of the address or something, or like a supreme court opinion on the cooking arts. Anyway, onto the meat of the matter, I feel that alot of you are being too hard on Guy, the flavor doesn't deserve the constant derision it receives because it's not terrible, it's just mediocre. If you're being too hard on food for being just medocore then you're sort of going to be driving away our main clientele, which as a chef is my top priority to protect. I know heart attack burgers or pizzas the size of your morgage or just a stick of butter shoved up your rear end or whatever is mediocre to all of you but people coming here from olive gardin and ruby tusedays are not going to enjoy a wall of "It's terrible" if they're here to discuss their new favorite appitizer or stick of butter up their rear end. On the point of being too hard on Guy, all of you know that Guy has been through alot in the past century, and if food network's work is any indication into the goings on inside Guy and specifically the food industry, then Guy was pretty much like a sea of porcupines before the 2016 Guy & Hunter's European Vacation. I see such a dramatic change in the soul of Guy because of the show and I feel that his bat wings were an embodiement of that change. Guy's Family Cruise was filled with hope and ambition and stayed focused around those themes well into Guy's Family Road Trip, but now cooking is so filled with anger, and I think all of you need to relax a little with the negativity towards what is a food loving guy with bat wings trying to reach out to the world just because you thought his tastebuds were lackluster. He was just annilihated by the most powerful burst of flavor we've ever seen and there wasn't a cook in the world 1/10th as prepared for flavor as Guy was, and then a culinary meltdown followed and it's like an infected wound in the soul of Guy. There is hope in Food Network still, but it's a channel in mourning, and in recovery, so just take it easy. There doesn't need to be a massive magick storm for you guys to get the picture because I know how much smarter all of you are than the rest of the chefs and as an aside if you hadn't realized it yet, I'm not going to be flinging insults at anyone, ever, it's not who I want to be.
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Aug 18, 2018 23:01
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Cook
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Aug 18, 2018 23:23
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A hooded figure steps up, their eyes covered by cheap sunglasses, and much of their face covered by a white, bib-like bandana covered in grease and barbecue stains. Their cloak shifts, and all present can see an outright garishly bright t-shirt, a cheerful blue patterned with repeated lines of bright orange hotdogs, neon green relish, and golden yellow buns. The rest of the ensemble consists of jorts, a few bits of gold jewelry, and sandals. The figure steps forward, bows very shallowly, and, voice muffled but decidedly enthusiastic, states: "I'm Mystery Chef X! I'm from" — the figure seems to wrestle with itself for a moment — "Sapore, a city right smack dab in the center of good old Italy!" The figure pauses, as if expecting something, but shrugs and continues. "I've been trained all over the globe, by culinaromancers, mastication ritual experts, taste diviners...you name it, I've dived into the field. I've apprenticed under the strictest cooks alive, cut my teeth on a griddle, made an ill-advised pact with a demon for culinary power, fried, diced, chopped, slapped, fried again, doused in sauce, sold for way too much — you name it, I've done it! I'm here to prove that great food doesn't have to be fancy, just extremely tasty, and I know mine is." The figure stares up at the council table, then gives a thumbs up. "Which is why I'm gonna win!" Jen X fucked around with this message at 23:52 on Aug 18, 2018 |
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Aug 18, 2018 23:49
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| # ? Jun 10, 2024 08:56 |
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I am Weener Batter, Lord of the Dance, and by Dance I mean that beautiful orchestration of ingredients, cooking skills, magic, and scintillating personality that are required to create the most exquisite culinary delights. I don't think you need me to recite my pedigree, but I will anyway. if for no other reason than I know how you all hang on my every word. -Born of a scullery maid and the head chef of Tavern on the Green -Raised by witches in the swamps of the Louisiana bayou, fed on a steady diet of crawdads and Etouffee -Schooled in the culinary and mystical arts by Acererak, prior to his...ascension -Served as sous chef to Giardia De Laurentiis -Currently head chef and owner of Restaurant de l'Hôtel de Evil I grace this contest with my humble personage, to elevate the proceedings, and perhaps teach a few of you thick witted fry cooks what it takes to create great food. No need to scrape and bow. I willfully submit to this "contest" if for no other reason than to lend credibility to the battle. Yours, most obsequiously Weener Batter
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Aug 18, 2018 23:55
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