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This tweet generated a multi-page derail over in the schadenfreude thread about dumb ways goons have injured themselves. https://twitter.com/minakimes/status/1373758476954963972?s=20 Since humans are pretty much just big clumsy oafs to begin with, and we all love to show off our scars, I figured it deserved its own thread. So here's the place to tell everyone the stupid and embarrassing ways you've injured yourself. My most recent one was last summer when I dozed off while sitting on a stool, leaned forward, and woke up when my face hit a shelf. I bled a lot and might have ended up blinded in one eye if I hadn't been wearing glasses. Your turn.
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Mar 23, 2021 03:48
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| # ? Jun 11, 2024 10:13 |
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I can only count the time I had a sty on my right eyelid and couldn’t find any suitable ointment for it and somehow got it into my head that Bonjella gum ointment would work just fine. I put some of it on my eyelid thinking it would be fine, neglecting to think about the fact that not only does Bonjella work very fast, but also your eyelids are incredibly loving thin. The gum ointment soaked through my eyelid within seconds and burned the ever-loving poo poo out of my eyeball. It felt as if I had been shot in the face.
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Mar 23, 2021 03:53
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I had a big glass tumbler and I was trying to get ice to go in it, the ice was all frozen together in a ball and it almost fit but not quite. So I banged it on the glass to try to shear off the sides of the ice ball and it didn't go the way I had planned and I had to get hand surgery and sprayed jets of blood all over my kitchen.
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Mar 23, 2021 03:56
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Last year I got startled by a bird flying out of a hole in a rotting tree stump that it had made a nest inside. I twisted as I was trying to run and strained a muscle in my side. It hurt for like three months.
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Mar 23, 2021 03:59
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I don't know how to link my post history here 
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Mar 23, 2021 03:59
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Fartington Butts posted:Mine was alcohol related, but only because I had sparkling wine bottles explode in my hands while stocking them on a shelf.
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Mar 23, 2021 04:01
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A year ago in February, I was lying in bed and I stretched. There was a solid, wet "CHOONK" in my shoulder blade and suddenly I was so wracked with pain that it knocked the wind outta me. Took a week before got my shoulder mobility back. I'm currently lying in bed with a hot beanbag on my shoulder because it still aches occasionally.
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Mar 23, 2021 04:02
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One time I woke up in the middle of the night and my leg below the knee was facing the wrong direction. I had to grab it and twist it back into place.
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Mar 23, 2021 04:02
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I bent down to put on a sock and pulled a back muscle. I was incapacitated for 4 days. I couldn't stand up at all. I was in bed for days. To use the bathroom I had to drag myself down off the bed, crawl on my belly to the bathroom, muster enough energy to left myself up just enough to get my dick up and over the rim of the bowl. Days later I was able to get up and move but it was still a good two weeks before I felt normal. Ever since then, every once in a while I'll pull that muscle a little bit and it hurts like a motherfucker.
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Mar 23, 2021 04:03
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Crossposting from Schad: My dumbest injury was also my worst injury: I took a step back when I was opening the freezer, didn't plant my foot right, and fell, and in the process of falling I broke my left leg in three places. (It's the only time I've ever broken a bone, despite many, many unintentional attempts when I was a child!) One of the breaks still hasn't healed six months later, although I've been able to walk on the leg since late November, and because of the break and the hardware in my ankle to make sure the bones fused straight, I have about 50% flexibility in my left ankle. And it still hurts if I step on it wrong. 
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Mar 23, 2021 04:03
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I busted my right eyebrow open once putting some hockey nets on top of my coach's car with bungee cords, where one of them flicked back at me and neatly sliced me open along the eyebrow. It was dark and I was already sweating from training, so I didn't pay any attention to my face being hot and wet. I went inside after securing the nets and my coach was like "what the gently caress happened to you?!?", as I had blood pouring down the side of my face. Three stitches. I busted my left eyebrow open last year, by picking up my Logitech headset with slightly greasy fingers, and as I pulled it open against the spring tension, it slipped out of my left hand as I was putting it over my head, and the sharp corner of the bracket that holds the earpiece smacked me. No stitches but it took a long time to stop the bleeding - it was late and we were in lockdown so I didn't want to go to hospital.
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Mar 23, 2021 04:03
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I was on the shitter for a while and my right leg fell asleep, so when I stood up I stumbled to the right... directly into the corner of my shower. Sliced my scalp open pretty good.
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Mar 23, 2021 04:07
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Wife lodged a q tip in her ear, on Xmas Eve. I'm sure I'll think of many.
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Mar 23, 2021 04:09
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In late 2018 I thought it would be a good idea to navigate some mossy rocks on the shore of Tillamook Bay while wearing only flip-flops. Nothing deep, but my leg had Snyder-style blood trails all over it.
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Mar 23, 2021 04:10
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SneezeOfTheDecade posted:Crossposting from Schad: Oh, here's a bonus me-being-dumb: When I was around 10 years old, I took the turn to the staircase in my house too quickly, the rug at the base of the stairs flew out from under me, and I cracked my knee on the bottom stair as I fell. I was in agony - but my mother told me, "You'd know if your leg was broken; you'd be crying uncontrollably". And lo and behold, when we got the X-ray, my leg wasn't broken, only badly bruised. (I did walk on crutches for a few weeks!) So when I had this fall, I thought back to that moment. It didn't hurt very badly, and I wasn't crying at all. So I figured I'd just twisted it. (You can guess the reason: I was in shock.) I tried to stand up, and my ankle shrieked like nothing I'd ever felt, and I decided maybe I should at least get it looked at, so I called an ambulance and had them take me to the hospital. On the way to the ambulance I lost my balance and put weight on it again, and that was the point at which the paramedics had me sit down while they got an escalator chair out of the ambulance. On the plus side, I now know what a 10 feels like on my personal pain scale!
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Mar 23, 2021 04:12
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I feel like I should start slow and work my way up. One of the most comic dumb injuries I inflicted on myself would've been around age 14 or 15. I had propped my bicycle up outside the garage, then went back in to hit the automatic garage door button and slip back outside (this was an old system with no safeties except if it hit an obstruction on the way down). My bike started to fall over right as I hit the button, so I ran to catch it and was so focused on the bike I forgot about the door. I caught the door with my forehead, my feet swung out ahead of me and I fell on my back and bounced my head off the concrete. Hurt pretty bad but I don't think I got a concussion from that one.
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Mar 23, 2021 04:15
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Growing up, I had juvenile onset arthritis that could strike any joint at any time. It wasn’t fun. One morning, as I was locking the door to the house to catch the bus for middle school, I turned the key in the lock and heard a loud pop from my left shoulder. I couldn’t move my arm unless I wanted to be in excruciating pain and howling in misery. Because of the arthritis, my shoulder swelled up to three times its size, and I was out of school for two weeks. I can still hear the pop in my head, which doesn’t sound like it came from a human body.
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Mar 23, 2021 04:31
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I Shot The Serif posted:My most recent one was last summer when I dozed off while sitting on a stool, leaned forward, and woke up when my face hit a shelf. I bled a lot and might have ended up blinded in one eye if I hadn't been wearing glasses. When I was a kid I once fell asleep riding my bike down a hill and promptly fell over into a concrete kerb. Luckily I was wearing a helmet and only got some scrapes and bruises from it.
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Mar 23, 2021 04:40
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I got 11 stiches above my left eye by falling over playing hacky sack in senior year of highschool. Didn't see a tree while walking a friend and walked into it so hard I got a concussion. Broke my right pinky and ring fingers in 6th grade by backyard wrestling with my brother and hid it from my parents until a teacher at school noticed and I refused to say why. Fell face first into the playground mulch on picture day by falling off of the monkey bars due to wearing soft gloves cause it was cold that morning. Sliced the entire outer layer of skin off the joint of my left thumb by pulling clothes out of a laundry basket and basically potato peeled off a 1 inch by 1/2 inch wide chunk of skin. Permanently blew out a disc in my back by wrestling with a friend in 2007. Somehow slapped a pencil in 5th grade with my right hand that left the pencil head forever stuck in my right hand.
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Mar 23, 2021 04:42
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I lit a potato chip bag on fire, then when the ink on the front caught on fire, my first instinct was to quickly wave it as if it were a match. A glob of molten bag fell on my arm and 21 years later, I remain scarred. There's also the time I fell asleep on a NYC-San Francisco flight and woke up without feeling in my right ring finger & pinky. edit: Bacontotem posted:Fell face first into the playground mulch on picture day by falling off of the monkey bars due to wearing soft gloves cause it was cold that morning. I fell off a seesaw directly onto my head after being encouraged by adults to seesaw with a kid who was like twice my size. YeahTubaMike fucked around with this message at 04:48 on Mar 23, 2021 |
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Mar 23, 2021 04:46
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When I was like four, I fell chin-first onto a pile of lumber and my teeth bit through my right cheek. Looked like Heath Ledger Joker on that side until a plastic surgeon stitched it up. They did a wonderful job because you can't tell anything happened.
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Mar 23, 2021 05:02
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We were having a birthday party for a housemate and got all kinds of hosed up. At some point in the early am some people decided to turn the kitchen into an ice skating rink by covering it with bbq sauce. I don't know why. They didn't skate on it they just made a mess. Anyway, I'm sitting at the kitchen table talking with people when my friend walks into the room - his feet fly out from under, and he falls hard on his head. Everyone else is too hosed up to notice but I immediately sober up and go check on him. He's split his head open and it's gushing blood. I took him into the bathroom to have to clean it up and have a look. I reckoned it looked bad enough that I should call am ambulance for him. Just as I'm hanging up with 000 I walk back into the kitchen and slip in the exactly the same place he did. I broke my right wrist and split my chin open. We spent the rest of the morning coming down in the ER.
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Mar 23, 2021 05:17
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I tripped over a wool rug about a week ago and my foot swole up to the size of a tennis ball immediately and I also had tinnitus for a few minutes feeling like I stomped into a rusty bear trap. Got a nasty rear end bruise that only now is beginning to clear up with the soreness at any capacity
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Mar 23, 2021 05:17
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I kicked my little brother in the shin and broke my toe. Had to call in to work, because I couldn't walk.
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Mar 23, 2021 05:19
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overdosed on a med, had a seizure, seized up so hard i pulled my loving arm out of its socket
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Mar 23, 2021 05:30
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We had what we called "flip bars" in elementary school. They weren't the tall monkey bars, but about 3 feet off the ground, a parallel bar of sorts. I never saw anyone do any kind of gymnastics on it. So what was I doing that involved a stupid injury? As a 6-year-old, I was playing under them and stood up. Into the bar, mouth-first. That loosened a few teeth. A couple of years ago, I had to have an ingrown toenail dug out. It had bothered me for about a decade, getting slightly worse each year. I know how I originally injured it. The toe caught under me on the carpet when I was getting out of bed to answer my phone.
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Mar 23, 2021 05:36
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When I was 12 I was too scared to ride my neighbors roller blades and my mom specifically said not to wear them because they weren't my size. He kept calling me gay until I put them on out of submission, and I went six feet before slipping backwards and dislocating my left knee. I cried until they gassed me up so hard I sat straight up in the ambulance and nearly popped it back in myself
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Mar 23, 2021 05:48
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Over a weekend I played so much pinball (Lethal Weapon 3) that for the next couple days the tendons in my wrist were so wrecked that it was difficult to wipe my rear end. It was weird because nothing else involving use of my wrists was difficult, just the particular motion of wiping was nearly impossible.
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Mar 23, 2021 05:56
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I took up judo right after college. I've done combat sports since I was little and took to it quick. Sometime between my 2nd and 3rd practice I took a bong rip that made me cough so hard that something in my ribs got hosed up. At my 3rd practice I tweaked my rib again. It hurt really bad and I couldn't laugh, cough, or smoke weed for like 3 months. I also never went back to judo and probably looked like a pussy.
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Mar 23, 2021 06:02
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When I was 21, in a pickup basketball game at my gym, a girl for some reason on a rebound decided against grabbing the ball and instead slapped it backwards, which I was expecting, and I put my left hand up to block my face and ended up jamming my thumb so hard that it broke both of the main thumb bones straight down the middle. It took like a year for it to stop hurting and those first few days were excruciating. God forbid I rolled over when I was sleeping and lightly tapped or dragged it against my soft cotton sheets because I immediately woke up and basically broke down from the pain. When you touched it, it felt like someone poured lava mixed with bleach into your bone marrow. The doctor was like "yeah just wrap it up, or don't, whatever. There's nothing we can really do here, it will just take time and unless you're a world class athlete there's no point in getting surgery which would cost you $40,000 anyways" So yeah that sucked especially because I was a server in a restaurant and had to carry dishes to tables and poo poo. The pain lasted an insanely long amount of time.
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Mar 23, 2021 06:08
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One of my better concussions was probably around age 19 or 20. I'd just slammed like 32oz of vodka and grape juice, and was riding my bike back to some friends' house a few blocks away. I had found an old pirate flag my Dad had from his whitewater rafting days and was flying it off the rack of my bike on a long plastic rod. I was afraid of it flying off in the wind, so kept looking over my shoulder to verify it was still there. Things were going fine until I looked over my shoulder one more time, turned to face forward and got a momentary flash of the back of a parked van. I don't remember the impact. The next thing I knew I was staggering backward (I have no idea how I was on my feet), then the pain hit and my bladder decided it was time to empty. My eyeglasses completely vaporized - we never did find any sign of them. I was close enough to my friends' place I made my way over there and they tended to me. No scars from that one, at least. And the flag was safe.
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Mar 23, 2021 06:15
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Sliced my thumb so deep I needed stitches trying to twist the metal top part fully off a can of chili at like 1 AM after I had opened it Fell eye-first onto the corner post of my bed and nearly shattered my orbital. Yes, I was drunk for both of these which is part of why I don't anymore. More recently tried to lift a little more than I was capable of in the weight room and ended up straining a small muscle in my neck so badly I couldn't look left for a week
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Mar 23, 2021 07:16
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~Coxy posted:When I was a kid I once fell asleep riding my bike down a hill and promptly fell over into a concrete kerb. Falling asleep while riding a bike is pretty goddamned impressive, I gotta say. I've got a scar up the center of my forehead from where I got cut when I hit the shelf. I closed it up with steri-strips instead of going to emergency because we were at the height of the pandemic and still in lockdown at the time, and hell if I was gonna go to a hospital. Worst part is, I hadn't even been drinking when it happened -- I was stone cold sober and just totally burned out from working a whole bunch of long overnight shifts in a row. I remember my last clear thought before I dozed off was "I should really move somewhere else because if I fall asleep here I'm gonna fall off this stool..." Yup.
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Mar 23, 2021 07:20
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I have a scar on my upper lip from 30 years ago. I was 12 and my subdivision had a driveway that led to a school parking lot, at the edge of which was a 10 foot or so dropoff to a football/soccer field. So my friends and I liked to start our bikes from way back up the hill, and get some air over that dropoff, I remember looking down at the ground and thinking "Gee, I'm awfully high" and then I woke up in the ambulance. Apparently I not only landed on my face, but skidded on it and hit my head on the soccer goalpost.
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Mar 23, 2021 07:24
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I have a bifurcated nipple because my nipple ring hooked onto onto my then girlfriend's nipple ring during sex and tore mine right out. There was a lot of blood. That same girlfriend and I were drunkenly wrestling in a park one night and she accidentally split my lower lip with a big goth ring she was wearing, requiring me to get stitches at the ER. Again, a lot of blood. That scar fades in with my other facial scars, at least. She also drat near got me killed one time, pissing off an ex-Marine and setting up a situation that left me with a broken nose, 5 skull fractures, and a helicopter ride to the hospital. The only scars are covered by my hair, but I still have an impaired sense of smell from the head injury. All of this was alcohol-related - the whole relationship was alcohol-soaked.
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Mar 23, 2021 07:38
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a tree fell on me and i somehow lost a fingertip
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Mar 23, 2021 07:52
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Poo In An Alleyway posted:I can only count the time I had a sty on my right eyelid and couldn’t find any suitable ointment for it and somehow got it into my head that Bonjella gum ointment would work just fine. I put some of it on my eyelid thinking it would be fine, neglecting to think about the fact that not only does Bonjella work very fast, but also your eyelids are incredibly loving thin. The gum ointment soaked through my eyelid within seconds and burned the ever-loving poo poo out of my eyeball. It felt as if I had been shot in the face. Wow. It legit went through your eyelid? Didn't just run into your eye? That's actually good to know. Dumbest category of inhuries are any of the times I've done something, thought "that was dangerous, I should stop/go from a different angle/use a different tool" then didn't and got hurt. Dumbest way I've been injured is when I got home and my dog was excited to see me, so he jumped and backhanded me in the balls on the way up. Thanks fido!
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Mar 23, 2021 07:57
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I grew up ice-skating in the Mid-west, playing pond hockey, etc. Last year I went to an Aussie ice-rink with some family and ended up with fractured ribs. Problem was I learned to skate on hockey skates, which have an unobstructed curved blade shape. The only rental skates they had looked like rollerblades with figure skating blades fitted on them. Toe-pick included. So I haven't been out on the ice in a couple years but I quickly got my confidence back and was soon weaving in and out of the mostly Australian free-skate crowd. Then I got caught by the dreaded toe-pick. My toe caught and ripped me forward onto the ice. I tried to turn into the fall and just folded over weirdly and broke 3 ribs. A small girl pushing a traffic cone gave me a very embarrassing "are you okay mister?" Never talking up my skating ability again.
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Mar 23, 2021 08:00
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When I was in preschool I didn't want to go to circle time so I thought I could get out of it by pretending to be asleep. I laid my head down and closed my eyes because surely the teachers wouldn't bother me if I was sleeping! Unfortunately I was using a stapler at the time so I rested my head on it, and my hand under it, and ended up driving a staple through my thumb.
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Mar 23, 2021 08:12
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| # ? Jun 11, 2024 10:13 |
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AHH F/UGH posted:When I was 21, in a pickup basketball game at my gym, a girl for some reason on a rebound decided against grabbing the ball and instead slapped it backwards, which I was expecting, and I put my left hand up to block my face and ended up jamming my thumb so hard that it broke both of the main thumb bones straight down the middle. It took like a year for it to stop hurting and those first few days were excruciating. God forbid I rolled over when I was sleeping and lightly tapped or dragged it against my soft cotton sheets because I immediately woke up and basically broke down from the pain. When you touched it, it felt like someone poured lava mixed with bleach into your bone marrow. It's crazy how long jammed digits can hurt for, just weeks of begging to have normal use of your hands back. I've hurt myself in a lot of dumb ways, lacerated and burned myself dozens of times, sprained every joint. Somehow I've never broken a bone, except my toe when it got pinned between my bike and the car hitting me, and almost never had a concussion, a near miracle growing up playing American football. Then one day in my 20's I was working a rotating shift, on the midnight-8am shift for the week, my buddies took a day off to go snowboarding, and I didn't want to be left out, but couldn't take time because they did. So I hatched the awesome plan that we'd leave after work and I'd sleep on the ride home. Flawless. We were in my car (shaggin wagon ftw) but mt buddy was driving, so I picked up a 6 pack for the road. I didn't realize the 6 pack was a 9.5% ABV beer until I finished it. Hit the slopes, took a wing turn and got seperate from the group at a base station half way up the mountain, only way out is to take the lift up, but I decided to shortcut. Destroyed my board going down a gravel/snow snowmobile track. Waded through a river. Hiked through some forest, then I remember snowboarding on an awesome, clean trail that was virtually untouched, "hahaha! Yes!" I said to myself, "I am a genius!" Came to about 500' from the base station we had been headed to, face numb but weirdly warm, very confused I smoked a cigarette waiting for my friends (who had long since left) then went in for a piss, immediately started getting very strange looks from people, "gently caress them, I'm not that ugly" I thought. Then I got to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was destroyed, broken nose, two black eyes, nose and forehead completely covered in actively bleeding lacerations, hoodie (my jacket was open over it) had a foot long trail of blood down it. (I'll post a picture if my buddy still has it) obviously concussed. To add insult to injury, I decided to relax in my car while my buddies finished the day, because I also had hypothermia from wading through a river. Got my keys, unlocked the car and sat in the rear wagon area to change shoes. Stood up and the hatch slammed closed, car went *beep beep* as it locked me out with the keys still inside. So I drunken/concussedly kicked the rear quarter window out to get them. The ride home was very unpleasant, I was really cold, and the car made horrible noises from air pulsing over the shattered window. I got home, showered, and went into work.
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Mar 23, 2021 08:15
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