Beware the Dark Secret of the Ancient Grains

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Ace of Baes

B E W A R E

# ? Feb 24, 2017 08:59

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# ? Jun 8, 2024 20:33

Elusif

jesus christ

# ? Feb 24, 2017 10:48

HotSoapyBeard: I'm a really cool nice dad
HAIKOOLIGAN

As he approached the altar, his thoughts turned to the trail of corpses leading him to this moment. The sigils he had learnt from the old man were painted on the floor in the arcane hoop he had been taught before slaughtering the decrepit acolyte.
His hand trembled as he placed the chalice and splashed the sacrificial white liquid into the cup; could the prophecies be true? Could cow's milk be the key to his final prize and ultimate power?
He had always dismissed his brother's ramblings before he died about the power of magick and five whole grains but maybe he wasn't crazy after all.
The earth beneath him trembled and the chalice started vibrating and glowing. The light from the chalice became unbearable and as he shielded his eyes the chalice erupted unleashing a cacophony of unearthly screams which crashed against him like the ocean engulfing a lighthouse in the storm.
When he came around he tentatively looked up to the altar where the chalice had been replaced by a brightly coloured bowl. He crept up to it to see how his immortal power had manifested itself.
"Ch...cheerios? Hahaha....haha..ha...hahahhaha"

"Yes doctor, this is how we found him. Sorry about all the urine."
"That's fine, we're used to it here. Thank you officer. And the court case?"
"We'll be in touch."

"Okay then welcome, let's get you cleaned up and you can have some breakfast. I see you like cheerios."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

# ? Feb 24, 2017 12:05

Manifisto

reminds me of how the old timey europeans would eat a pinch of mummy powder (ground-up mummies, basically) as medicine

would I eat "Cheerios + Mummy Dust"? only one way to find out. come on, general mills, I double-dog-dare you.

# ? Feb 24, 2017 14:07

alnilam

HotSoapyBeard posted:

As he approached the altar, his thoughts turned to the trail of corpses leading him to this moment. The sigils he had learnt from the old man were painted on the floor in the arcane hoop he had been taught before slaughtering the decrepit acolyte.
His hand trembled as he placed the chalice and splashed the sacrificial white liquid into the cup; could the prophecies be true? Could cow's milk be the key to his final prize and ultimate power?
He had always dismissed his brother's ramblings before he died about the power of magick and five whole grains but maybe he wasn't crazy after all.
The earth beneath him trembled and the chalice started vibrating and glowing. The light from the chalice became unbearable and as he shielded his eyes the chalice erupted unleashing a cacophony of unearthly screams which crashed against him like the ocean engulfing a lighthouse in the storm.
When he came around he tentatively looked up to the altar where the chalice had been replaced by a brightly coloured bowl. He crept up to it to see how his immortal power had manifested itself.
"Ch...cheerios? Hahaha....haha..ha...hahahhaha"

"Yes doctor, this is how we found him. Sorry about all the urine."
"That's fine, we're used to it here. Thank you officer. And the court case?"
"We'll be in touch."

"Okay then welcome, let's get you cleaned up and you can have some breakfast. I see you like cheerios."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

_{ty manifisto}

# ? Feb 24, 2017 14:11

alnilam

noted ancient grain KAMUT(R), registered as a trademark in 1,600 BCE by the ancient sumerians and protected forevermore by a (R)une of Protection

_{ty manifisto}

# ? Feb 24, 2017 14:13

I Was The Fury: Always stop to smell the flowers, just in case they're weeds

General Mills marched his platoon right into Egypt, and raided the grain silo pyramids of all their ancient mystical grains. It is only through the powers of military action and capitalism that we are able to taste these delicacies today.

# ? Feb 24, 2017 18:09

Manifisto

the grains are actually only a few months old

but that's like two centuries in grain years

# ? Feb 24, 2017 18:17

I Was The Fury: Always stop to smell the flowers, just in case they're weeds

Big Cereal keeps saying these grains are all natural but everyone knows that aliens planted and cultivated these ancient grains for us thousands of years before whole grains meant for cereals even existed.

# ? Feb 24, 2017 18:29

I Was The Fury: Always stop to smell the flowers, just in case they're weeds

Thanks for the warning OP, dumping out my grandpa's creatine now.

E: ohhhh, it's gRains.

My bad

# ? Feb 24, 2017 18:31

Manifisto

dark secret of the ancient groins:

wrinkly

# ? Feb 24, 2017 19:45

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

haha. spelt

# ? Feb 24, 2017 20:05

Thunder Moose: S.J.C.

the secret is that they test funny. but not haha funny.

# ? Feb 24, 2017 20:55

vanisher

Are these ancient grains cask aged, going down smooth with an oaky finish?

Cheerios reserve

# ? Feb 24, 2017 21:29

Barking Gecko: Mahoro says, "Naughty things are bad."

I prefer single grain well aged Cheerios, rather than blended, multigrain Cheerios.

# ? Feb 24, 2017 22:26

the littlest prince

You kids. I've been cultivating the old grains since you were in diapers. What do you know about oat bran? Did you even know about the commie embargo back in '79?

*slurps milk out of an empty bowl*

# ? Feb 24, 2017 23:52

the littlest prince

realpost: lol at this: http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/indepth.food/grains/index.html

# ? Feb 24, 2017 23:55

eonwe

if you eat ancient grains you are committing elder abuse

# ? Feb 25, 2017 00:01

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

in temple of moloch, bread eats you

# ? Feb 25, 2017 00:30

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

I Was The Fury posted:

General Mills marched his platoon right into Egypt, and raided the grain silo pyramids of all their ancient mystical grains. It is only through the powers of military action and capitalism that we are able to taste these delicacies today.

# ? Feb 25, 2017 01:15

FutonForensic

Ash struggled to remember the three words needed to open the portal. He stammered, "Kamut... quinoa... spelto!"

Suddenly, he was thrown forward in time, to an alternate future where everyone gets plenty of fiber. "Gimme some sugar, baby" Ash said. "sorry, idiot, we only eat Cheerios here" said the baby

end

# ? Feb 25, 2017 03:43

Ace of Baes

# ? Feb 25, 2017 10:36

Shaquin

Ace of Baes posted:

# ? Feb 25, 2017 12:20

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

theyre just repackaging normal cereal which went out of date

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Feb 25, 2017 17:38

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

idiot: "mmmm these fine, aged grains have aquired a rather distinctive sharp accent"
me: yo this cereal is OLD *spits out moldy grains*

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Feb 25, 2017 17:40

Piso Mojado

I've been hitting the historic gyms lately working on some ancient gains

# ? Feb 25, 2017 19:44

google THIS

I open the Box of the Covenant. A brilliant, searing light bursts forth, and my poops melt like Nazi faces.

# ? Feb 25, 2017 21:07

social vegan

t-they were zeroes this whole time

# ? Feb 28, 2017 04:52

social vegan

dempsters busted by wapo for using alternate flax

# ? Feb 28, 2017 04:55

a fragile ego

it was only through decades of practice that i came to understand the knowledge of the ancient grains, and i took my mission from them to follow their footsteps and deliver fiber and cure heart disease across the earth

# ? Feb 28, 2017 05:06

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

*Indian Jones reaches for the simple, wooden bowl full of Cheerios*
"You have chosen...wisely."

# ? Feb 28, 2017 05:54

Manifisto

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

*Indian Jones reaches for the simple, wooden bowl full of Cheerios*
"You have chosen...wisely."

indiana jones eyes the bowl of cereal with ancient grains on the pedestal. he is holding a bag of cheerios with what seems like the modern equivalent, but is it close enough? amaranth, quinoa, flaxseed, will these be a sufficient substitute to prevent the temple's defense mechanisms from crushing him to a pulp? indy's pupils narrow, he rubs a hand over his unshaven jaw, he adds a pinch of spelt to the substitute bowl in his hand. it will have to do.

# ? Feb 28, 2017 15:49

deep dish peat moss

As I spilled the ancient grains on my table I heard a snap and looked down in shock and horror, I had cracked a ancient oat. A black mass began to well up in the crack, to pool together from nowhere and soon sprang forth as a great spectre leapt into my sprawling kitchen, razor-tipped scythe in hand. I dropped the sack of grain but couldn't find the strength to scream, my muscles began to move on their own toward the sliding door but I fumbled with the lock. As the spectre drew nearer I panicked and leapt, crashing through the glass door, slicing my leg and tumbling into the grass. The spectre dashed at me, I closed my eyes and accepted my fate. I heard the schwing of the blade again and again but felt nothing but a sticky coldness. Sure of my death I opened my eyes to glimpse the underworld, but was instead greeted by the reaper hacking feverishly at my mangy lawn. He turned around and gave me a thumbs up.

# ? Feb 28, 2017 20:39

social vegan

trader joe leans in close and whispers in my ear, "it is pronounced qwin-noah"

# ? Feb 28, 2017 20:55

the unabonger

I used this variety of cheerios as a visual aide in my class

# ? Mar 3, 2017 07:34

the unabonger

me to my class: since we are currently studying the rise of agriculture and how it changed the development of civilization, I thought it might be pertinent for us to look at the type of grains these humans tamed and developed *pulls out a box of cheerios*

# ? Mar 3, 2017 07:40

Chill la Chill: Don't lose your gay

i flunked out posted:

me to my class: since we are currently studying the rise of agriculture and how it changed the development of civilization, I thought it might be pertinent for us to look at the type of grains these humans tamed and developed *pulls out a box of cheerios*

*counts out the cheerios, lays them on their edge*

Despite how obvious it seems to us today, the Ancients numbering system only accounted for the existence of things, not for their nonexistence. This was a barrier to their mathematical abilities until...

*tips a cheerio on its side*

the existence of the zero.

Apparently I'm #1 Kotori fan

_{_{thank you matoi and vanisher for the sigs, lovely dad for the cool av}}

# ? Mar 3, 2017 15:32

google THIS

My God, this stone shows how to read "It's a honey of an O" in Egyptian hieroglyphs. The mystery is finally solved!

# ? Mar 3, 2017 22:09

Space Taxi

Ancient grains are regulars grains made immortal by a bite from Count Chocula. When the sun sets, they rise from their cardboard crypt and feast on the youthful life force of Honey Smacks.

# ? Mar 4, 2017 05:41

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# ? Jun 8, 2024 20:33

uber_stoat

let's...

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# ? Mar 4, 2017 21:38

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