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 "Son" *WHAM* Of *SMASH* A *SHATTER* Bitch *BLAM* Bastard *CRUNCH* Fucker" "Zlata." "I cannot BELIEVE" "Zlata" "I personally saved all those TRAGICALLY ILL miners, and HEROICALLY defeated a conspiracy against HIS ACTUAL MAGESTY HIMSELF, and forged a LUCRATIVE trade alliance with those friggin southerners, and this, this is how they treat me!" "Zlata!" You look to Mary, one of your longest serving and most loyal vassals:  "You're pulling a hell of an auntie Ell over here. Maybe hold your horses and... just relax? For a minute?" -------------------------------  This is a CYOA where you play the lackey of a powerful villain. Abuse some peasants, rob temples, seek glory, whatever you can get away with is fine, as long as it makes the boss look good. There's a few mechanics: Every character has a sheet. It's not like D&D or w/e but everyone has skills of a certain amount. There's other stuff like you need to eat food. It won't be a huge deal up front and I'll explain as you use them or if someone asks for an info dump. Not every character is an NPC! You're not, of course, but there are other active agents out there! Maybe friends, maybe foes, but I won't tell you one way or the other. If you somehow run across another thread, please don't read their minds or metagame it. If you die, you stay dead. Only in the most extreme and unlikely circumstances can you get rezzed. Currently the thread is escaping from a hell jungle: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3942802&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=29#post535163954 If you scroll up a few posts there's a bigass thing but rn you just need to decide what you do as you sail away The first thread is here, if you wanna see what went down before. ------------------------------- She's right, of course. You're Zlata, niece of Eluned, the matron of the northern kingdom, the last civilized state between the rest of the world and the endless barbarian tundra.  (your extremely charming and rich and powerful self)  (your dear, sweet, meddlesome & overbearing Auntie Ell.) (No one calls her Ell to her face except for you, of course.) Victor is your king. Despite your relative youth, your meteoric successes (in your opinion) has secured you deeds and lands of your own, directly gifted by the crown. You've crushed barbarians with your incredibly skilled cavalry and diplomatically sealed important trade routes. You've been as far south as the ruins of Broken Tooth, as far north as Hammerfest, the Last City, and as far east as the great dune sea! The problem is the deeds suck, the estate barely breaks even, and all the other nobles (besides the very petty, or new ones, or your personal friends) somehow consider you as uncouth as a barbarian and as decedent as the soft southerners. This last gala, the first since you've returned to the kingdom, was a disaster. To top things off, Eluned has weaseled her way into providing an important service for the king, which she assured you is critical for the security of the kingdom, and very prestigious. It's delivering a package.  You've been volunteered to play delivery girl. Technically it's 8 ridiculously bulky, fragile, and annoying packages. Why they couldn't be all sealed into one reasonably sized crate and handed off to some caravan is beyond you. All you know is that you've got to get these safely to Xoma, the City of Saints "as instantaneously as possible," and you're not supposed to open them, or lose them, or accidentally crush or mangle them, etc, etc, etc, et cetera. They're to be delivered specifically to the Tinkerers' Guildmaster himself. SOME COINCIDENCE that you get shipped out of the Kingdom basically the same night those idiot "peers..."  Whatever.------------------------------- You've come to your personal holdings for one final check.  How... expansive... the "fields."  How... innovative... the "architecture."  Gerd is your stewardess and she assures you that right now as she speaks a powerful mangrove is knitting its roots into the soil and these buildings will be fully converted to cellars full of valuable lichen wine. The REAL manor just needs to grow. Plus you have a herd of reindeer that is slowly getting more prosperous. Plus you have the beginning of a terrifying haunted forest, that's impressive! These things simply take time. You sigh and consider your vassals and hirelings. Oh, right, you don't have any hirelings and you don't have enough money to replace the old ones. Makti Lep was was your chiurgeon and more than once saved lives. He's currently pursuing a doctorate, having developed a new technique to reattach severed limbs. He almost cried when he quit. A good man. Erhan the Swordsman was a powerful and surprisingly learned mercenary you got at a discount after basically ruining his career. After working for you for so long he's in good standing and has been recalled by the Guild of Fighters. Gatwo the Wanderer was an probably-insane mage who is almost certainly dead or trapped in some kind of astral plane. He summoned a For Real Demon to destroy your enemies and, well, some of them died. Nobody on your side except Gatwo did. Oh wait! You still have Lemon!  Lemon's a Cynic and can transform into a dog. She spends most of her time as one for some reason, and is willing to help out in exchange for food and "adventure." On the other hand she'll have no qualms about quitting if you try to make her do anything against her obscure religion. She has some magic sword that makes her continually sound like chimes, and she also took a dump in Lady Eld's boudoir so that makes her completely worth it on that merit alone. As far as your vassals you have: Mary who is in the Hunters' Guild. She's great at tracking and fighting monsters, and a quick horsewoman. Felix who is in the Mages' Guild. He got kicked out of the scriveners' but he was picked up by the mages by accidentally setting an inn on fire while practicing his writing. Toby who is not in a guild. He's spent quite a bit of time with... certain elements of society. He's currently on his way to pick up the packages, along with your other guys.  Yes you have a squad of incredible bad asses, hardened with combat experience and a shitload of equipment that cost not a small amount of money. As a group you have a good mix of humans, elves, and dragonfolk. Almost all of them have been with you for years, many since you were pretty much kids. Of course you also have Rocky who is your everyday giant squirrel. That's it, he's just a big squirrel, but a gentleman among animals according to everyone. And Sam who is an extremely well bred horse. You also have a bunch of armor and magical weapons and stuff, so you're pretty well equipped to get these boxes to the holy city. You only have a handful of silver, not even a single gold coin in the treasury. Barely enough to buy a farm or a few riverboats! ------------------------------- So how are you gonna deal with this mess? It's already a clusterfuck so, might as well get it over with
You know, you can have Toby make contact with Virgate while picking up those packages. Do the old smuggler boss a favor. This is the exact way to get a shitload of money, but if you get caught tampering with a delivery like this there will be hell to pay... You can ask any of your guys whatever they think, or if you got any questions belt them out. After you have a basic idea of who and what you want to bring, then you'll decide on what route to take, and then it's hitting the road. SniperWoreConverse fucked around with this message at 18:21 on Oct 11, 2023 |
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Oct 4, 2020 03:01
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| # ? Jun 10, 2024 03:41 |
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~Zlata~  A, 2, no
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Oct 4, 2020 07:23
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B 2 Yes Have criminal connections, will use
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Oct 4, 2020 13:41
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B 2 Do it, why have Crime Friends if you're never going to do any Fun Crimes? This garbo estate's bootstrap time is measured in decades without some serious capital injections, too. Crazycryodude fucked around with this message at 23:19 on Oct 4, 2020 |
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Oct 4, 2020 21:32
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cryo there's no d what the hell. You mean C or what?
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Oct 4, 2020 22:37
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Ah whoops, meant B thanks
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Oct 4, 2020 23:19
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Toby arrives with some packages that have no evidence of being adulterated, although he continually winks repeatedly. Toby, Mary, Felix, & Lemon will come with you, everyone else stays. You'll take what you need, but nothing that can slow you down. Everyone carries two packages with their own stuff. Skill: Horseback Riding: There's essentially no problem you can run into cross country, except for barbarians. You and all your vassals are experienced riders and have been on campaigns in this region before. Lemon will just run as a dog, not a big deal. Skill: Well Read: East of here the steppe warms and becomes slightly more arid. Perfect horse country. Even if you ride west-southwest completely blind you'll either make to the road to Xoma or hit the ocean and need to travel south. Skill: Noble Scion: You're obligated to destroy any bandits or witches or other outlaws you find in or west of Duston. The roads are generally safe, though, and it's unlikely you'll run into any. You know the kingdom well and the only reason to go to Beersville is the Mages' Guild if you want to buy something magic. Duston will have some different armors and general utility stuff you could by. That's it for skills this time, just some bonus info you know. Routes. There's only a few reasonable ones. 
As far as gear, you've got a few light and medium style armor pieces, you've got an excellent bow and duelist's sword, a magic mace and a bunch of charms. The books stay home with Rocky. No harm bringing a lute.
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Oct 5, 2020 02:46
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C
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Oct 5, 2020 03:02
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A what isn't like about Beer(sville)
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Oct 5, 2020 04:08
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I flipped a coin to decide and it came up C both times so You & your stalwart vassals ride out across the open tundra. Merely two days away from your estate you run into an issue.  "Yup that's a barbarian cairn." "Yep." "Yeah." "So what?" This would generally be considered sorcery and part of your oath as a noble is to put an end to sorcery and sorcerers. Felix is unfamiliar with what this thing is supposed to be. Lemon knows a lot about philosophy and mystical stuff but doesn't care enough to get involved. If you mess with it a cursed spirit or something could come out. Nobody's going to know what you do here except you and your guys. Smash this thing? y/n
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Oct 6, 2020 13:38
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Oct 6, 2020 15:00
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Gank the mage, smash the totem! Suffer not the unsanctioned use of magic, get paid.
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Oct 7, 2020 12:56
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You take a day to utterly bust the thing to hell with your powerful mace. There's a couple times it looks like a ghost might come out of the rocks, it's happened before, but everything works out fine and you leave no stone upon another. No barbarian religious sites around here! You keep moving. On day 10 you enter a forested area.  On day 12 you come across a lake with a few islands. There's definitely a band of people on that one island. Probably barbarians but it could be some far-ranging loggers or something. How do you wanna go? A: Just go around the lake, you don't have an easy way to get across anyway. B: Go talk to these rustics, and if they turn out to be hostile simply crush them without mercy
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Oct 7, 2020 17:24
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A, probably not worth our time
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Oct 7, 2020 18:59
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Welp, forget it. You go the long way around. The forest ends and not long after that you enter the wild lands claimed only by animals and nomads. It's almost an entire month into the trip when the monotonous terrain offers something different.  Barbarians. They send a group ahead to demand tribute. They want money, almost a fifth of what you have. Skill -- Medium Armor: Their armor is fairly good and seems to have been looted over many years from many places. Skill -- Archery: They're almost all horse archers and while they're not the most powerful, you can expect them to be capable mobile fighters. Skill -- Horseback Riding: Their horses aren't as good as yours. If you have to you can probably outride them, but you're outnumbered. Skill -- Magic Charms: You have a collection of enchanted items and one amulet glows in the presence of magic. It's dimly lit.
You're both a skilled swordswoman and well trained in the noble art of poetics
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Oct 8, 2020 16:43
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C use our marijuana breath to give them something to think about while we ride off, just to be sure
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Oct 8, 2020 17:42
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A cant possibly lose any of the shipment that we crimed on.
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Oct 9, 2020 03:45
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The packages are way too important (and valuable!) to risk, so you blow out a huge plume of smoke and hoof it A few times it's pretty close, but you're able to evade them and escape. The days pass quickly as you and your vassals pass over moors and fens, plains and forests. After nearly a month and a half you reach a marker.  You've crossed into Xoma's domains. Eventually you come across the road that leads to Xoma and speed along it. Not much later you meet a fellow traveler.  Skill -- Charms: She's certainly very powerful with magic, if not physically strong. Pravina is a priestess of Zuen, and pleased to meet you, because she's travelling west to inspect the cursed mountain on the other side of Victor's kingdom. She'd like to talk to you about it, if you would.
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Oct 10, 2020 03:22
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B.) I don't trust them
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Oct 10, 2020 04:00
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Always suck up to the Gods
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Oct 10, 2020 04:49
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B Sorry gotta go, don't look at this fancy sword.
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Oct 11, 2020 00:14
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She's a little perplexed but bids farewell. As you part you notice her humming a tune pretty similar to the sounds the sword makes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYE5kGZKh-8 The climate warms and dries some as you head southwest.  You begin to pass magically potent areas which could be worth checking on your way home, some quite near to the road, such as abandoned temples. Others seem more ominous, but easy to avoid.  Getting caught up in places like this with the packages could be a catastrophe. A few times you trounce some heedless brigands or drive off dangerous animals. You run into someone who is no pushover.  "Well met, travellers! Only one hour's journey to the wayshrine, and the village of Qwell. I presume you have your tithes prepared?" Skill -- Grit: A human walking around having completely worn out his boots like this is either a sign of insanity or incredible willpower Skill -- Perceptive: That's a real firearm and in scrupulous condition. You're no musketeer but they're so rare and expensive no one would happen to fall into a weapon like that. He knows how to use it. Skill -- Mace: The way he holds that thing shows long experience with it. Decades worth. He's obviously no mere bandit so you greet him cordially. He apologizes for being unable to remove his helmet, explaining that he's a paladin of Terminus, the god of all borders and boundaries, and is sworn to patrol the inner border between lands claimed by Xoma and the more populated interior. He cannot let any travelers progress along the Holy Road unless they pay one tenth of the total value of everything held by their group, or are pilgrims headed to the sacred sites. Who would of course have a cleric guiding them.
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Oct 11, 2020 01:28
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Do the bad
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Oct 11, 2020 03:07
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Slaan posted:Do the bad
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Oct 11, 2020 03:37
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqD0YiOhRe8 You have one of the finest bows available and you use it to silently drive an arrow into the paladin's chest. He reacts by swinging his mace up towards a gap in Sam's armor and embeds it into your precious thoroughbred's skull.   Sam, the #1 reason the tithes were so expensive and the horse that was probably as valuable as your estate. Ell is not going to be happy about this one, she had to pull some strings with the very smugglers you're working with now to get the beast.You tuck and roll as Sam goes down and see Mary and Toby move to intercept. Then there's a flash of light and the sound of Felix screaming. By the time you get to your feet Toby has him stabbed and he's planting the butt of his gun in Mary's face. Before you can get to him she's already been knocked to the ground and he's aiming it at Toby...  Toby groans and you're practically on top of the guy, bearing down with your mace, but at the same time he's fast enough to snake the spear-part of his firearm into a gap in your own armor.  You grit your teeth and beat him to death. ------------- Skill -- Noble Scion: Your vassals are bound by honor and law to serve you to the best of their ability, but you also are responsible for their safety and wellbeing. Toby is alive but severely injured. If he doesn't die he'll probably lose the use of his arm, if not the actual arm. Mary is hurt but otherwise fine. Felix is blind, and his face is scorched pretty bad. Neither of you know if he'll get sight back. You'll... be ok. Sort of. Another fight like this would be certain death. It's going to be a lot of healing until you're back to normal. Somehow, through whatever kind of luck, none of the packages are damaged. Friggin moth doc had to go back to the drat college. Well you have to use what you've got at hand. This close to the town you won't have much time.
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Oct 12, 2020 03:02
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C Skirt
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Oct 12, 2020 03:11
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AC We need to Go Into Town to get some more healing supplies for our fellows, too
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Oct 12, 2020 05:34
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oh dear this is what happens when i miss a vote, AC, skirt town
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Oct 12, 2020 06:43
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AC Skirt.
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Oct 12, 2020 12:56
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What a clusterfuck. You and Lemon are able to stop the bleeding and slap on some poultices. Toby'll live for now. The next step is to rearrange the packages onto one horse. Felix & Mary will double up, Toby's with you. You and Mary strip the dead paladin and you're able to slink away without getting caught, for now. You stay away from the road and travel through the countryside, eventually making your way to the cliffs Xoma is built upon.  It's night by the time you get to the base. You stay cool and pass along with a few pilgrims and traders, up the narrow path and into the city.  The streets are almost deserted, and you have a second to catch your breath and think. You're supposed to get the packages to the Tinkerers' Guild. You're supposed to personally give them to the guild master, but because they're crammed with extra contraband, Toby is supposed to hand them off to a clerk, who will pull the crime stuff and give them back with the cash. But Toby is still totally hosed up. Plus, if you get caught with the paladin's stuff, you're totally screwed.
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Oct 13, 2020 02:54
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A Fix the fixer, score the fix, finish the job.
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Oct 13, 2020 03:04
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Allies first, then packages, then pally don't
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Oct 13, 2020 03:56
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You manage to find an inn that's cheap enough to avoid attention, and expensive enough to avoid too much trouble. You slap Felix & Toby in a room with the stuff while you and Mary suss out medical aid for "injured monster hunters" or the kind of people who don't need a paper trail.
You don't know if the authorities actually have clairvoyant inquisitors, but judging by people's opinions it'd be best to not get caught. e:
SniperWoreConverse fucked around with this message at 05:08 on Oct 14, 2020 |
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Oct 14, 2020 04:45
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A Yes 1 Be discreet, but economical
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Oct 15, 2020 03:12
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A Yes 1
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Oct 15, 2020 03:14
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b, no, 1
vorebane fucked around with this message at 10:02 on Oct 15, 2020 |
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Oct 15, 2020 06:36
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B, no, If we can get them out without making them appear tampered. Frankly weedbreath has made a number of really foolish decisions, and if that kills her it will be warranted. AJ_Impy fucked around with this message at 10:28 on Oct 15, 2020 |
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Oct 15, 2020 09:23
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drat multi ties at every vote now
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Oct 15, 2020 17:18
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELKdyI3raGA You figure the most flexible way to do this is gonna be get them healed at the cult and buy the charm. Toby warns you some local losers have been overly interested in the rooms you rented so you hang out here while Mary gets them to the temple.  Everything's basically weird cult stuff out here and they've got every kind of idol in existence, somewhere in this city. It goes smooth enough and you evade capture, for now. A few days pass and Toby is cool to do the trade.  The tinkerer's guild is pretty decent. There's some random people coming and going to do their guild business but one clerk in particular is The Guy. 100% confirmed. Toby does the drop off, and you hang out with him in a nearby cafe. An hour later you pop back in and the packages look exactly the same except you've "received a letter." Next step is for you to hand them off to the guild master who is coincidentally just now exactly waiting for you.  You immediately notice he's no normal guild master. He walks like he knows how to fight, and still might have to, not to mention the obvious arcane tools and implements. He probably knows alchemy. You'd be willing to bet he really clawed his way up from the bottom. He certainly wasn't born into the kind of family that is bursting with skilled professionals, and polymaths are rare. Whatever these packages actually are, he's been doing something extremely unusual, you'd know that without the blood. The dude comes off as a creep, and you avoid entangling small talk. He seems relieved to get back to work, and has a clerk notify Victor's court that you've made the delivery successfully. While they're at it you pen off one to your Aunt, so she doesn't worry. Probably she'll continue to worry or have some irritating extra work she needs you to do. Back at the inn you open the letter. It's a gold piece. 100 silver. Not too bad, but you aren't' really sure what you expected. Except for Sam you're richer than when Eluned sent you south. If you can ditch the paladin's stuff you might really be in the clear and doing well.  Unfortunately, you can't. Twice you set up a buyer, and twice you almost got pinched by the inquisition. You're well read enough to know if they actually catch you, everyone WILL be making an exceedingly thorough confession, and then be sentenced to an exceedingly thorough execution. You're also noble enough that at least you can be sure they'll send your remains home to Ell! And you're tuned in to the underworld enough that your main problem is that it's just entirely too hot. It's not going to be possible to offload this stuff in Xoma for a while. Probably months. You're going to need to hide the loot somehow, or just leave Xoma with it. Felix is... not doing good. He can't understand how he was blinded and it disturbs him, as a wizard. He's morose. Toby is surprisingly upbeat. He's ambulatory and ok. Neither can afford a fight, however, and won't be able to safely travel for some time. Mary has used some free moments when not guarding the loot or your other vassals to check in with the Hunters' Guild. There's a decent contract worth some alright money, about ten silver. It's a few weeks long, the Archeologists' need guards for an expedition. On a deserted, out of the way island. That no one goes to, ever, because it's "cursed." There's two other things, as well. The guild seems to be having some trouble financing it, and the expedition leader is someone you know.  It's your friend Nalini! You met at a party in the city of Frigg, and hit it off pretty well. You're starting to get an idea. So what the poo poo are you going to do about this drat loot? A: You'll have a pleasant social call and do a favor. Invest in the Archeologists' guild. Ensure the loot gets transferred and hidden there until it's safe to retrieve and sell. B: Sneak it out of town, find a place to bury it away from prying eyes. The southwest would be good, few travelers come out of or go into the deep desert. Mary will: C: Stick with the loot for a while. No matter where it ends up she has a good excuse, she's in the hunters' guild after all D: Stick with Felix & Toby. Keep them safe, help them escape if it comes down to it. Boost morale. You'll: E: Stick with the loot. This is too dangerous to leave to anyone else, and it's not like someone like you needs any excuse to do anything she likes. F: Stick with your precious, loyal, and heroic vassals. And you could use a check up yourself. Plus they'll be happy knowing you didn't ditch them, not that they would ever imagine such a thing. The charm so far has warded off magical scrying, it seems like it really will force normal detective work to find whatever is near it. G: The charm goes with the loot. H: The charm is drat well staying with Toby & Felix. If you have the loot hidden on Barataria (the archeologists are going to Barataria) and you also have someone go with it they're going to be locked in for as long as it takes to dig whatever those guys are digging. Unless you use your money to somehow secure a way back early. If you want to bury it either you or Mary or both will have to go along with it. If you have a stroke of genius like Zlata is obviously prone to, feel free to write in some other plan
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Oct 16, 2020 05:57
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| # ? Jun 10, 2024 03:41 |
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Hunker with the charm. Don't bother trying to be clever with the loot until the team is back up to operational strength. Anonymously hire some local to go out in the desert and bury a decoy. Give the local indication that you need to leave town in a hurry and will be gone by nightfall.
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Oct 16, 2020 09:17
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