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You are a common snapping turtle named Doctor Snappers, who is also dead. You are in a realm where time does not exist, living in a large lake in some mystic dimension, with your mother and father, smoking the ever-growing weed by the shore and eating the fish that never seem to deplete in number. You also bang your former mates that passed before you. You were killed on accident by a giant space pyramid off the coast of Florida at the conclusion of your quest to gently caress a sea turtle. Your friends in this matter were Shoggath, a skunk-ape; John Joe, a hick from Mississippi; Choops, a chupacabra; a Cajun Sasquatch; and Aristotle, a giant space crab who was the pilot of the pyramid. You sleep a lot, though you can never tell for how long; it is always the same when you wake up. As you and your fellow turtles are blazing and eating fish, a glassy pyramid descends from the fog. You vaguely recognize it. It lands near the bank as a hatch opens near the bottom, and out steps Aristotle Crab, somehow sporting a giant beard that wraps around him like a toga. He is missing an eye-stalk. You offer him a joint. "drat dude, you get dead too?" "No, alien crab limbo is different. I came to bring you back. poo poo's hosed." He blazes hard. "John Joe is trying to take over the Earth." These comments you ponder. "How did you get here if you aren't dead? And why aren't you dead? What year is it on the outside? How the gently caress is John Joe still alive? He's an idiot." "After you died, I used the pyramid to override the launch codes on the sub and...well, I nuked the HQ of the Church of Scientology in Los Angeles, and the other one, the Church of Spiritual Technology for good measure. The one in Twin Peaks, you know. That kind of raised a ruckus, and everyone started popping off, and one thing led to another...I guess I went a bit too far." Aristotle begins waving his claws wildly. "It was John Joe and Choops made me do it. They said that's how you'd want to be remembered. Anyway, we got some heat from the Navy so I launched the cruise missiles at Washington DC so we could make a break for it. All your ships are long gone, of course. John Joe killed Shoggath with Dauntless's guns to steal whatever poo poo he could and set off for the Azores with the coastguardsmen. No idea how they are still alive-- him and Choops I mean. Haven't heard from 'Squatch. My pyramid can go to a few different dimensions, although my brain is getting fucky these days-- sometimes I can't recall how to do it. Its 3026 AD back on Earth. John Joe is looking for something in Europe, what's left of it, some device or other. He has your sea-turtle chick and her mate in his court by the way. I swear he is using magic I don't know about to keep folks alive, and I drive a loving pyramid." >___
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Jun 7, 2021 02:57
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| # ? May 26, 2024 09:02 |
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Attempt to bite the other eye stalk
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Jun 7, 2021 03:05
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I am the beard man and I flip Dr. Snappers over on their shell.
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Jun 7, 2021 03:06
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> snap > turt around a lil > snap again
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Jun 7, 2021 04:43
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>Set out on a quest to snap off John Joe's dick
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Jun 7, 2021 05:48
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>watch as one of your past mates trots out of the lake all sexy like >ask: what's the catch? (because there always is one.) >blaze
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Jun 7, 2021 07:45
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>GO LEFT
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Jun 7, 2021 07:51
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Ask if you had any turtle kids that were a result of that sea turtle three way
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Jun 7, 2021 14:16
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withdraw into my foreskin
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Jun 7, 2021 14:18
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Remember how she hurt you and stop in your tracks. Get angry for a moment at yourself for letting her still affect you like this.
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Jun 7, 2021 16:21
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You sit still with a blunt in your mouth. After a long moment: "You came all the way to turtle limbo to tell me things are still poo poo? She left me after a quick lay, then you killed me." "That was an accident and you drat well know it." In a sudden rage you lunge at Aristotle, and try to scramble onto his head. You snap at his eye stalk while gibbering curses, but his powerful pincers block you. He tosses you to the ground upside-down. You thrash around, spinning counterclockwise while screaming insults at Aristotles' lineage and the virtue of his mother. Finally you stop spinning, and retract your head into your shell, with only your eyes peeking out. "Dude, Crab, those things I said a moment ago, that was just business right. You just stirred up some feelings..." Out of the corner of your eyes, you see one of your dead mates, Waggle, walking up to you with her tail raised. "Wags, are you still that horny? We just did the nasty, like, five minutes ago. Or maybe a thousand years ago. I don't remember. I'm on my back, dammit, what are you up to?" "I heard what the crab said. If you are going back, I'm coming too. Otherwise you're never getting any of this again." ------------------------------------------------------------- After gathering some weed, you, Wags, and Aristotle board the pyramid. "Have a nice time, sweetie," your mom waves. Your dad puffs on his doob. "Bring me back a copy of the Riparian Times, you welp." The pyramid ascends through the fog. Aristotle busies himself at the controls. You ask him, "Crab Dude, you mentioned my sea turtle gently caress friends. Did you happen to find out if they had any little-uns by me?" "No idea. Let me concentrate, we're about to jump to Earth. This might make you feel weird, by the way." He tosses a duffel bag at you. "This is all your poo poo I was able to escape with." As the pyramid arrives in a low orbit around the planet, Aristotle opens a viewscreen of Earth. The vessel is above a landmass that you think might be Europe, but it is smaller and looks almost nothing like the maps you recall. There are very few lights visible; it seems that it is near dawn. Aristotle turns to you. "Where do you want to land? Or do you want to land?" Inventory: 2 M16s with 500 rounds, 4 9mm Glock pistols with 32 rounds, 19lbs of weed, 2lbs cocaine, bong, spectacles You can go any direction. >__
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Jun 7, 2021 22:17
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>if they still exist, swap the eiffel tower and the leaning tower of Pisa around.
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Jun 7, 2021 23:20
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>use the pyramid's scanners to see if any of Doc's crew is still alive >start getting the band back together
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Jun 8, 2021 08:34
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>Where the blue crabs be at? > Calling you out Big Click! Zeluth fucked around with this message at 08:40 on Jun 8, 2021 |
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Jun 8, 2021 08:38
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Zippy the Bummer posted:You sit still with a blunt in your mouth. After a long moment: "You came all the way to turtle limbo to tell me things are still poo poo? She left me after a quick lay, then you killed me." Drop all guns and ammo. They're just taking up precious space and are inferior to snapping at things. Forswear to never again bear any weapon and that from this day henceforth your foes will taste naught but the sting of your beak.
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Jun 8, 2021 12:58
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Find Paul Rudd
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Jun 8, 2021 13:50
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I am working on a map. A list of things I have googled recently: Can the Eiffel Tower survive a nuclear blast How do turtles mate What is the day/night cycle 1000 years from now Can snapping turtles get bigger with steroids Where does Paul Rudd live Big Click I'll be back
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Jun 8, 2021 21:25
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Aristotle brings up some scans while you all blaze. "I'm detecting a gazillion life forms, some of which are 'squatches, but I don't know which might be Cajun. The dude, I mean. They're mostly near, well, the place that used to be Russia. Lots of human DNA, or something close to it, on the scopes. Can't see any chupacabras. Or mermaids. Could be on the other side of the planet, dunno. I only have LOS to Europe and west Asia." You toss your joint aside and take out your bong. "Any idea where Paul Rudd might be?" "He was near New York when the poo poo went off. He's gotta be dead by now, dude. If he didn't die in the war, that city is underwater anyway. No one lives there." Wags stares at the both of you with bloodshot eyes. "Guys, if John Joe and Choops are still alive, Rudd might be too." After a massive bong rip, you ask the crab, "Is that tower in Pisa still around?" "No, man. poo poo fell over centuries ago. S'under water too." A sudden decisiveness courses through you. "Take us down there. Swap the Pisa tower with the Eiffel tower. Your tractor beams can do that, right?" "Fuckin A man, but why?" "Because I'm high as poo poo, that's why. And it will give us a chance to have a look-see." "Aight man, we're goin' in."  Descending through the clouds to about 1000 feet altitude, you get a good look at the pre-dawn dimness of what used to be Italy. Large portions of the land are cracked and barren, and smoke issues from numerous fissures. It takes some searching, but the crab uses the scanners to find the sunken city, and lifts up the remnants of the tower, which is broken in half and covered with muck and little blue crabs. As the pyramid races north-west to the Gallic region and over the Alps, you spot a few lights here and there. A few minutes later you are over a vast plain of tiny hills covered in grass, with rocky structures poking out here and there. The Eiffel Tower is still standing, though twisted and on the verge of collapse. Aristotle lifts it up, and swaps in the Pisa tower, although the top half of the ancient building falls off and smashes. He whisks the pyramid back to Italy and deposits the Eiffel Tower in the water; the top several meters stick up from the ocean. "Aight turtle man, what now?" "Let's get ripped as all gently caress, then find Paul Rudd. Something tells me he's alive and can help us. And Jammers, who I totally loving forgot, if he's still alive. Also," you toss the guns to Aristotle and Wags, "take these. I don't want 'em anymore." --------------------------------------------------------- I suck at art so I just found a map from the internet. And I couldn't quite cover entirely everything that was posted, but I will at some point. This post is already too long. You can go any direction. >___
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Jun 9, 2021 01:11
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>better get a copy of that newspaper dad wanted considering limbo is definitely real and he'll be bitching about it for all eternity otherwise. I mean, he probably will claim it's the wrong issue and bitch anyway, but at least we put the effort in.
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Jun 9, 2021 05:05
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<it is not too late to plant. [hurry hurry]
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Jun 9, 2021 08:10
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> find a landing spot near a human settlement closest to paul rudds last known location > pour one out for your lost homies
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Jun 9, 2021 08:28
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> Rejoice that no copies of Mac & Me survived the armageddon.
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Jun 9, 2021 10:01
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>suddenly realize I'm a drugfucked loser reptile >snap off own head
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Jun 9, 2021 16:03
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>gon into suscreen world. > I found
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Jun 9, 2021 16:24
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As the pyramid zooms over the Atlantic, the three of you snort titanic amounts of coke, and you have an existential crisis. "Aristotle, what am I doing with my life? I was relatively happy back in limbo." "Doin' with your life, man? I'm not even sure if you're alive or not." Suddenly you grab your head with both claws and pull with all your might, ripping your head from your neck with a sickening crunch. Your field of vision rotates wildly as your head tumbles across the floor, then comes to a rest after bonking into the pilot's chair. You open your eyes to see Aristotle and Wags staring dully at you. You are apparently not back in limbo. "Well this is very interesting. How am I even speaking? I guess I'm some sorta zombie now." "Honey," says Wags, "Why didn't you tell me you were gonna do that? I don't have a sewing kit." "Crab-dude, you got any sutures or string, anything like that?" He shrugs. "Nope. Too bad that hot medic chick died a thousand years ago. She coulda patched you up." "Well, we need Jammers. He was always our tech guy on the crew. But first, we check New York." "Coming up on it now."  Crab-dude works the scanners. "There, about 100 miles inland. Lotsa human dudes, and some other things that aren't in my records." Your head rolls back across the floor as the pyramid banks slightly. "Hun, Wags, could you do me a solid and pick my head up?" The pyramid hovers over a vast pine forest, with a winding gap going through it. There are many campfires and ramshackle structures scattered about, with considerable traffic of people on horses and other, more bizarre creatures moving up and down along the road. "Aristotle, turn on every light this ship has. Does this thing have a megaphone? Take us down low enough that they can hear us. Honey, hold my head up to the speaker thing." The pyramid descends, flashing lights and spotlights blazing. "PEOPLE OF EARTH" you call out, "ONE POUND OF COCAINE TO WHOEVER CAN TELL ME WHERE TO FIND EITHER THE RESTING PLACE OR THE LIVING PERSON OF PAUL RUDD." Many of the people flee into the woods, but a few older people stay, gazing in awe. They call out in a language you don't understand. "Crab man, does this thing have a translator?" He finishes his blunt. "Kinda-sorta. I'll switch it on." After a moment, you hear one of the wizened bent-backed elders shouting, "Gon into Suscreen world. I found!" You get back on the mic. "THANK YOU, JUST A FEW MORE QUESTIONS. WHERE IS THAT, FIRST, AND SECOND, DOES MAC AND ME STILL EXIST IN ANY FORM, AND THIRD, DO YOU HAVE THE LATEST COPY OF THE RIPARIAN TIMES" The old man violently shakes his head. An old woman points to the south. "Aristotle, toss half a pound of weed out the hatch. They should be able to get some seeds to plant from it. Also Wags, could you rub some coke on my gums, Mac and Me being loving dead is worth a high. And we need to find some booze..." You can go any direction. >____
Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 03:09 on Jun 10, 2021 |
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Jun 10, 2021 03:00
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>when you eventually find John Joe, challenge him to a duel to the death at the remains of the eiffel tower. Call him a loving coward for turning up in France instead of Italy and win by default (also don't let him know you're some kind of immortal turtle Lich or whatever)
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Jun 10, 2021 05:07
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> locate the nearest the moonshine distillery, inform the mutants there that they have a new god.
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Jun 10, 2021 20:33
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Aristotle drops the weed and a pound of coke out of the hatch. "I hope we don't regret that, turtle man." "It'll be fine, things have a way of working out," your head says, "now let's look around. Can the scanners detect alcohol?" "Yeah man, sure." "Let's go south then, the old woman pointed that way. Fly slow and scan for booze." The pyramid lazily flies over the mountains, swooping around half-collapsed peaks shrouded in mist. Vast areas are devoid of vegetation. You pass over numerous towns and cities that are nothing but rubble and empty streets; no life forms at all. Finally around noon, trees start appearing again. "Doc, I'm getting booze indications to the southwest. Some humans, and some weird poo poo I can't identify...there are some 'squatch around, too." "Take us in. Wags, open the bottom hatch and keep your guns ready. You can shoot chicken-wing, right?" "I'm from Mississippi you rear end. I oughta chuck your head out of the ship for asking." Aristotle pilots the pyramid at low altitude to a large circular clearing, scattered with dry brush and lumps of rebarred concrete, with the remnants of a road going through the middle. A group of upright creatures are standing around what looks like a metal barrel with pipes wrapped around it. Crab dude takes the ship low enough for Wags to open the hatch and peek out. "They aren't running away, hon. Should we get out?" "Yes." Wags, with your head in one hand and a gun in the other, hops out of the hatch and plops on the bare dirt. Suddenly a freakish monstrosity with flesh and deer-hide hanging from its bones crashes out of the underbrush. After staring at the pyramid for a long moment, it begins to weep uncontrollably, falling to its knees on top of its long forked beard. "Jammers," you say, "let's drink some shine, pour one out for Shoggath, and blaze." ---------------------------------------------------- Half an hour later your head, Wags, Crab Dude, Jammers and some curious others are gathered around a cook-fire getting blazed and trashed. A hog-man and a shrouded legless humanoid wrapped in filthy linen take turns asking questions about various goings-on, along with a few regular humans, who marvel at your severed head, and ask if you are a god. "Yes. I come from that realm. You are permitted to exhale weed smoke into my snappers as a burnt sacrifice." Jammers has composed himself. "I pour one out for Shoggath every day. Thousand years now. John Joe's main force is in Europe, but he moves all over. He has some kind of device that lets him do it, I've never seen it myself. No idea where Cajun 'Squatch is or if he's even alive. Its been a little rough...lately. I've heard rumors of fighting down in Central America and out west. Lotta folks from the coasts moved inland, although that got hosed when Yellowstone cooked off." You can go any direction. >__
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Jun 12, 2021 00:33
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>post apocalyptic wastelands always have some cool warbots lying around. Get your head installed in the raddest you can find. Don't forget about the sick paint job to honor your fallen friend and insult John Joe.
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Jun 12, 2021 10:17
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 You are at Spruce Knob, a small hill with views to the shallow shoreline.
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Jun 13, 2021 04:23
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i wonder what our body has been up to this whole time. probably getting laid.
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Jun 13, 2021 05:49
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> ask about who or what sent the survivors inland. > have jammers to install a moonshine still on the pyramid.
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Jun 13, 2021 15:42
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> snap
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Jun 13, 2021 16:58
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>blaze your own body, become able to control anyone who invests the smoke from it
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Jun 13, 2021 18:16
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Jammers fiddles around the pyramid, reacquainting himself to it. Aristotle and pig-man roll some joints and play dice with shroud-dude in a corner. "Why did everyone flee the coasts? Obviously the sea levels rose, but not much some places," you say to Jammers. "The coastal cities got nuked first, communications were mostly destroyed after that. Choops and some other people organized an effort to evacuate to Red Cross camps in Kansas and the other plains states, or up to Canada. Nobody cared much about cryptids at that point. Then when the caldera erupted, all the 'squatch in the northwest came out, fleeing for their lives. Everything from the Pacific Northwest to the remnants of Chicago was hosed within days. And then the temps dropped, crops died, it was all poo poo..." "And where was John Joe in all this?" you ask as Wags jostles your head. "After he killed Shoggath and stole the fleet, he went to Europe, but you know that. Then the warlords came, or sprouted up, whatever. Choops was one, I heard tell over in New Mexico, but I haven't seen 'im. There's pretty much a slim crescent of decent land from here to west Texas. Go inside that and you'll find nothing but desolation and warlords fighting. I don't know if there is a single city in the world still standing as it was." You take a puff with Wag's help. "Jammers, with all this dystopian fighting, are there any warbots laying around?" "I dunno. The heaviest fighting lately was between the Frozzen Sons Coalition and the Boyz n Girlz Charity of The United Alliance of Central Diamondia. That's in the desolate zone, though." "My body needs some...refreshment. Pump some smoke into it, would you? Then clamp the neck shut so that the smoke stays in there. I have a mind to make myself a bong. Literally. Hey crab-man, help Jammers and those other freaks tote that shine still onto the pyramid." He does a line and nods. You have Wags bring your head close to Jammers as he works, and then you violently snap much of his aesthetically unpleasing ragged flesh and hair from his skeletal body, giving it a nice trim. As the four monsters load the still onto the pyramid, Aristotle notices a dust cloud in the distance. A large group of what appear to be hovercraft and humans riding on octopi with elephant feet is approaching. You can go any direction. >__
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Jun 14, 2021 04:18
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I edited some maps 
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Jun 16, 2021 03:38
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Potrzebie posted:>GO LEFT
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Jun 16, 2021 04:42
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>go gather as many cryptid allies as possible, before setting off to making John Joe's apparent immortality an eternity of suffering.
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Jun 16, 2021 05:06
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> crop-dust the convoy with a mixture of booze and cocaine
RunningOnEmpty fucked around with this message at 10:16 on Jun 16, 2021 |
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Jun 16, 2021 09:19
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| # ? May 26, 2024 09:02 |
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"Aristotle, pilot this pyramid over those dudes. Wags, keep the bottom hatch open and grab the last of the cocaine. Jammers, you and Pig-Dude bring the still over to the hatch." "Aye-Aye Capn' arrr." Aristotle deftly flies the ship over the approaching group. Wags, Jammers, and Pig-Dude dump all the coke and twenty gallons of moonshine all over the humans and freaks below, sending them into a bizarre frenzy. Some of them loose arrows at the pyramid to no effect. "Crab-Guy, tractor beam those fuckers into the lower cargo bay, then lock all the doors." As you watch the ragged humans in studded leather and spiked metal crotch armor ascend, you notice a couple of 'Squatches, and a large creature that looks like a bat. They, along with five elephant foot octopi are sucked into the cargo bay, with the doors closing and locked behind them. "We got 'em," says Aristotle over the comms. "What now?" "What direction are we pointed?" "Its a pyramid. We aren't pointed any direction." "Go left." The pyramid zooms over the mountains to the west. You ask Jammers and Crab-Man to scan for robots, or any scrap metal. The land is desolate desert, pockmarked here and there with mounds of dust-covered rubble. As twilight nears, the pyramid is rocked by a violent explosion, then another. "I dunno what the gently caress that was, but the ship is fine," says Crab-Man, "we're getting dragged to the ground though. Another tractor beam maybe." "Just let it land us, and we'll see what happens. Better than crashing." The pyramid settles onto flat dirt. Jammers opens the top hatch, and Wags with your head, Jammers, and Shroud-Dude clamber down to the ground. You are in a vast desert. A few hundred yards away you can see some yurts and ramshackle huts with canvas roofs and walls blowing in the wind. An odd, thirty-foot tall statue of a bearded snake sits half-buried and tilted in the sand nearby. You can go any direction, on foot. >__
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Jun 17, 2021 04:22
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