PYF: Funny Forum Quotes: Agent (7)47

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > PYF: Funny Forum Quotes: Agent (7)47

BaldDwarfOnPCP: Jun 26, 2019; by Pragmatica

Sapozhnik posted:

Just displayed a yellow (or perhaps purple) box on these two posters' screens to cause their brains to secrete dopamine

You're welcome

I hate that this is a true thing and like, purple graphics in posts trip this and then I'm like poo poo, now I feel super dumb.

It's sad really.

e: probably the best snipe of my short and undistinguished posting career

# ? Jun 2, 2022 20:46

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# ? May 25, 2024 08:40

Marcade: Jun 11, 2006; Who are you to glizzy gobble El Vago's marshmussy?

Inceltown posted:

Rose thought she was sweating onto her pillow, but it was brain fluid

Mx. posted:

so do you keep the pillow after that?

duz posted:

sure, it's full of memories

# ? Jun 2, 2022 20:47

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

christmas boots posted:

i use light mode during the day and dark mode at night and jeffrey i would like a way to automatically toggle that please

Jeff, please, can I pay to switch people to light mode at will I need this forums feature please

# ? Jun 2, 2022 22:25

AmiYumi: Oct 10, 2005; I FORGOT TO HAIL KING TORG

Does anyone have that �the eagles weren�t eagles� quote about how LOTR being propagandist history by the victors, and the hobbits were helped both into and out of Mordor by anti-Sauron orcs? I think it was from here, but gently caress if I know where.

# ? Jun 2, 2022 22:29

shelley: Nov 8, 2010

AmiYumi posted:

Does anyone have that �the eagles weren�t eagles� quote about how LOTR being propagandist history by the victors, and the hobbits were helped both into and out of Mordor by anti-Sauron orcs? I think it was from here, but gently caress if I know where.

yeah

elise the great posted:

REALLY BAD THEORY TIME.

I want to make a quick disclaimer: I've read the theory that Gandalf was trying to tell Aragorn to seek out the Eagles for transportation to Mordor when he fell with the Balrog into the dark. I think it's a fantastic theory, if maybe a little hard to support. If I were a wizard falling into a chasm and I could yell three words of instruction, I'd go for "Find the Eagles," not "Fly, you fools." I dunno, maybe Gandalf just really needed to express how much of a dumbass he thought Aragorn was.

Also, I'm too loving lazy to use a character map. Add all the umlauts and tildes and accents yourself, if it bothers you.

So let's talk about the Eagles. They're probably the number-one thing that people complain about if their first exposure to LotR was the movies. "Why didn't they just ride the Eagles to Mordor?" And reading more about their involvement in history doesn't really fix that-- they appear out of nowhere, over and over, saving the day and behaving like huge angelic deii ex machina every loving chance they get. They guard the borders of Gondolin, providing a convenient explanation for how an entire self-sufficient hidden city could avoid being spotted by Morgoth despite being in the same zip code. They help Fingon rescue Maedhros from his chains on the mountainside of Thangorodrim, although they don't seem to give a poo poo about their dangling, screaming neighbor until Fingon shows up. They pull Fingolfin's body out from under Morgoth's feet, wounding Morgoth himself, and return it to his kinfolk for burial... which seems like a strange priority for a bunch of birds in the middle of a continent-shaking battle. They rescue Thorin's Company from the burning treetops. They bring down a loving Nazgul on a field of battle. And they rescue Frodo and Sam from the slopes of Mount Doom.

Some of the things they do make sense. There's definitely a Gwaihir Windlord character, an eagle dude that's pretty tight with Gandalf and lives in the Misty Mountains. There's also a frankly angelic cohort that's sent out by Manwe to keep an eye on Morgoth in much the same way that Gandalf and his ilk are send out to keep an eye on Sauron. It's not weird that Gwaihir is willing to pick up a bunch of dwarves that are burning in his yard, or even (if you're really generous) to fly all the way to Orthanc to rescue Gandalf. But all of these things seem to test the limits of the Eagles' interest in humanoid creatures, and honestly the limits of their ability to help at all.

Their other behaviors, especially the ones that seem to pop out of nowhere to save the day, are just loving bizarre. It's like half of the story got left out. Why did the Eagles have any interest in guarding Gondolin? How did they get the idea to go pick up Frodo and Sam, or leave the Misty Mountains and fly all the way to loving Mordor in the first place? Why do they intervene at the last minute sometimes, when it would have made more sense for benevolent angels to show up fifteen minutes ago and dive-bomb Morgoth's face while Fingolfin was fighting him, or pick up somebody and go rescue Maedhros a decade ago when search parties were still on?

Here's what I think is going on: the biased historians that wrote the Silmarillion ran into something, some event or aspect of history, that just didn't sit right with them. Something that was so disturbing, so shocking, that a bunch of folks who didn't bat an eye at murder and incest and dismemberment couldn't bring themselves to actually write what happened, so they just replaced it with something that sounded cool instead. Something that challenged them in ways that even glorifying Feanor-- a murderous, narcissistic idiot-- didn't quite match. Something that made them feel ashamed.

There's not a whole lot left, once you're done shrugging at the hunting of petty dwarves for sport, tidying up the rape and imprisonment of Aredhel, and glossing over the horrors of the Helcaraxe. It gets narrower when you start looking for something that would also fulfill the actions of these apocryphal "Eagles." You need some entity that would be present in the mountains around Utumno, on the battlefield where Fingolfin died, possibly in the Misty Mountains (though this one seems a little more likely to actually be Eagles), and on the slopes of Mount Doom. You need some group of thinking beings that isn't benevolent enough to step in early, but might have a reason to step in when things are dire. You might even look for some group that could benefit directly from protecting (and trading with) Gondolin, and from ransoming Maedhros and the body of Fingolfin and maybe even the rescued Frodo and Sam.

You're looking for orcs.

Free tribes of orcs, settling in the mountains in the centuries after Morgoth bred them and before he started making armies from them, operating independently from Morgoth's command, trading with and protecting the borders of Gondolin. A party of independent orcs, familiar with Thangorodrim, guiding Fingon to a place where he could cut off Maedhros's hand in exchange for favors from the Feanorian allies. A platoon of orcs enslaved to Morgoth's military, seeing the battle going the wrong way, seizing Fingolfin's body and selling it to his family in return for safe passage and maybe even land of their own (as the continent was colonized by Feanorians and humans). If you squint, a rival tribe of orcs might have helped Thorin's company escape, though honestly I still think that was actually Gwaihir.

And if you think about it, Frodo and Sam traveled in the company of orcs across Mordor itself, somehow totally avoiding notice... or perhaps not avoiding notice at all, but instead being followed and eventually rescued by a band of orcs who had once marched with them and now offered them back to their Gondorian king in exchange for safe passage to Harad.

It wouldn't even be a stretch. Mordor was swarming with orcs. Frodo and Sam left a hurricane of rumors behind them as they moved toward Mount Doom. Orcs are designed by Morgoth himself to operate in conditions of bad air, extreme heat, and no water. Eagles would have risked volcanic missiles and poor visibility; orcs could have just picked up the hobbits and run for it. Eagles would have been flying a suicide mission in search of hobbits who might or might not have already died; orcs would have been snatching up valuable hostages they'd been following for days and trading them for their last chance at safety.

Nor would Aragorn, newly enthroned and marrying a woman of mixed ancestry, fresh from a war that seemed cleanly divided along racial lines, want to admit that he'd traded prisoners for amnesty with a bunch of orcs. It would have undermined his public image, raised questions about his willingness to treat with the enemy, and violated millennia of traditional thought about the pure evil nature of orcs.

People might not even have believed it, if he'd told them. It would have been almost as incredible as if the Eagles had just flown from the Misty Mountains and rescued them, like Maedhros of old, as the historians wrote so long ago.

I have no doubt that the Eagles existed, though I think they were more concerned with Morgoth than with Gondolinian border control. I have no doubt that Gwaihir and his kin rescued Thorin's Company, crashed the Battle of Five Armies, and saved Gandalf from Orthanc. I just don't think that the Eagles were prepared to fly all the way to Mordor, or that they performed every miracle ascribed to them throughout history. I think that the Silmarillion touches on the breeding of orcs but ignores the centuries of settlement, expansion, subjugation, colonization, enslavement, and eradication that followed. I think that Morgoth's armies conscripted free tribes; that Feanor's sons displaced native populations of orcs to build their kingdoms; that the Girdle of Melian existed not just to avert Morgoth's eye but also to keep the local orc nations out of her kingdom; and that the internal politics of the orcish peoples were much more complex and motivated than merely mindless worship of Sauron.

It wouldn't be comfortable for the historians to admit. It would have gone beyond reflecting poorly on the Feanorians. It would have been the Tribes of Man all over again, worrying about which ones are good and which are bad, humanizing a group whose culture and traditions seemed alien and monstrous, and whose monstrosity was terribly convenient when you needed to assuage your conscience about colonization and war. Much easier just to tell everyone the Eagles did it.

# ? Jun 2, 2022 22:40

Empty Sandwich: Apr 22, 2008; goatse mugs

# ? Jun 2, 2022 23:03

some plague rats: Jun 5, 2012; by Fluffdaddy

shelley posted:

yeah

The only thing lamer than writing all that would be reading it so well played elise

# ? Jun 2, 2022 23:08

Dameius: Apr 3, 2006

That's not even the most out there LOTR theory Elise has on offer.

# ? Jun 2, 2022 23:53

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

oh right the elf tentacle dick lady

kinda wish someone else had been the eagle truther. multiple crazed theorycrafters are funnier than just one, and the only other goon i can think of at the moment that posts big chunks of lotr text is forums poster Ratjaculation

# ? Jun 2, 2022 23:59

some plague rats: Jun 5, 2012; by Fluffdaddy

Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:

oh right the elf tentacle dick lady

kinda wish someone else had been the eagle truther. multiple crazed theorycrafters are funnier than just one, and the only other goon i can think of at the moment that posts big chunks of lotr text is forums poster Ratjaculation

Honestly if you're a big enough LOTR dork that you become reliably known as the "elf tentacle dick lady" you have no choice but to steer into the skid as hard as you can

# ? Jun 3, 2022 00:47

ChickenOfTomorrow: Nov 11, 2012; god damn it, you've got to be kind

elise is great, she's held men's hearts in her hands and bullied them back to life

# ? Jun 3, 2022 00:47

some plague rats: Jun 5, 2012; by Fluffdaddy

ChickenOfTomorrow posted:

elise is great, she's held men's hearts in her hands and bullied them back to life

Big deal. I've also done that, and I wasn't even getting paid for it

# ? Jun 3, 2022 00:51

Admiralty Flag: Jun 7, 2007; to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2022

Are there other fantastic Elise LotR theories that have made the rounds on SA? I've never been blessed to read the eagles before today, though of course I've read about elf dicks.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 00:51

Samovar: Jun 4, 2011; I'm 😤 not a 🦸🏻‍♂️hero...🧜🏻

Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:

oh right the elf tentacle dick lady

Or the placenta chilli lady!

# ? Jun 3, 2022 09:58

Chamale: Jul 11, 2010; I'm helping!

the fought a cop and won lady

# ? Jun 3, 2022 10:30

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

50ftElf

# ? Jun 3, 2022 10:32

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

ChickenOfTomorrow posted:

elise is great, she's held men's hearts in her hands and bullied them back to life

Posting posts from the funny forum quotes thread in the funny forum quotes thread

elise the great posted:

That loving elf dick thing will haunt me to my grave. My husband told his therapist about me getting doxxed after making a viral post about Florence Nightingale, and mused that it would be ironic if I got fired for that instead of writing about elf dicks and vagina tentacles, and his therapist said wait, the elf dick weirdo is your wife?

Splicer has a new favorite as of 10:53 on Jun 3, 2022

# ? Jun 3, 2022 10:50

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

I'm sure all of those things happened.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 11:01

Kingo Ligma: Aug 24, 2019; Ask me about calling people racist because I failed geography.

Chamale posted:

the fought a cop and won lady

Lindsay Ellis?

# ? Jun 3, 2022 11:06

Jedit: Dec 10, 2011; Proudly supporting vanilla legends 1994-2014

Paladinus posted:

I'm sure all of those things happened.

The elf dick post did.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 11:15

Samovar: Jun 4, 2011; I'm 😤 not a 🦸🏻‍♂️hero...🧜🏻

Paladinus posted:

I'm sure all of those things happened.

As did the placenta chilli.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 11:54

Pirate Radar: Apr 18, 2008; You're not my Ruthie!
You're not my Debbie!
You're not my Sherry!

Paladinus posted:

I'm sure all of those things happened.

I�m sure I�m alive and not a ghost with a phone.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 12:06

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Jedit posted:

The elf dick post did.

Samovar posted:

As did the placenta chilli.

Only if you choose to believe they did.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 14:10

HiroProtagonist: May 7, 2007

BaldDwarfOnPCP posted:

e: probably the best snipe of my short and undistinguished posting career

Turn on your monitor and/or look up

# ? Jun 3, 2022 14:24

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Paladinus posted:

I'm sure all of those things happened.

I have little reason to doubt any of it but the cop fight. Elise may be controversial, but she typically backs up her crazy stories.

And, get this, some of us don't live boring as gently caress lives of never leaving the house. Some of do things, and have things happen to us, and the outside world is a crazy hosed up place where weird poo poo happens all the time.

Grain of salt and all, but there is little reason to assume she is out and out lying about it.

Besides, if you want to hate her, there are other reasons.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 14:50

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

A likely story.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 15:15

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

RFC2324 posted:

some of us don't live boring as gently caress lives of never leaving the house

I am feeling erased

# ? Jun 3, 2022 15:17

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Splicer posted:

I am feeling erased

Imma be real, living a boring as gently caress life is an achievement, and I wish mine had been boring.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 15:22

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Haha loser my life is way more boring than yours

# ? Jun 3, 2022 15:47

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Like, colorless. Nondescript.

Really really drab

# ? Jun 3, 2022 15:48

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

Sorry I was thinking about my day and fell asleep.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 15:58

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Today I ate one spoon of nutritional yeast and stared at a wall for 12 hours. Making this post is the highlight of my day.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 16:06

Marcade: Jun 11, 2006; Who are you to glizzy gobble El Vago's marshmussy?

Reading it was the lowlight of mine.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 16:10

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

Wait is eating a spoonful of nutritional yeast weird because it's genuinely one of my favourite snacks.

This isn't a joke post.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 16:15

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Splicer posted:

Wait is eating a spoonful of nutritional yeast weird because it's genuinely one of my favourite snacks.

This isn't a joke post.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 16:17

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

Automotive Insanity � 2008 Corvette: 436hp LS3 and no cheap plastic

shoeish posted:

From Autoblog: http://tinyurl.com/2x8j4b

It looks like GM realized they can't make good plastic so they just used some sort of fabric and carbon fiber.

Hey I know, I'll start a stupid argument, then get all defensive when I'm called on it, then I'll troll an entire forum like an angry teenager, and then I'll backpedal clumsily and claim it was all a joke which would just make me a roll, anyway!

GET hosed :fyh:

Battledroid posted:

Four years S2000 owner. This "redesigned" interior of this corvette looks like cheap crap. Back to the drawing boards.

Battledroid posted:

I'm only 165 pounds so I guess... i'm sorry for you fatsos being so limited...

Battledroid posted:

guy, i clear only around 155k a year at age 29, i know thats pitifull but i am getting better so, when someone shows me a pic of a lovely interior, what the gently caress am i supposed to do? say " wow thats nice, american carmaker! " i mean what the gently caress kinda elitist this board is? yes i owned an s2k for 4 years, and gently caress yeah its interior is better then the pic that was posted. if you cannot see that then you are blind. or not artistic enough to own nice cars. there i said it, you need to have an artsic mind to appreciate cars.

Battledroid posted:

Thats cus you are an oversised freak.

Battledroid posted:

What does WOW has to do with a lovely corvette?

Battledroid posted:

gently caress you.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Jun 3, 2022 16:17

Zil: Jun 4, 2011; Satanically Summoned Citrus

Splicer posted:

Wait is eating a spoonful of nutritional yeast weird because it's genuinely one of my favourite snacks.

This isn't a joke post.

It is not weird, it is just dull.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 16:18

Lobok: Jul 13, 2006; Say Watt?

Splicer posted:

Wait is eating a spoonful of nutritional yeast weird because it's genuinely one of my favourite snacks.

This isn't a joke post.

Anyone who says it's bad is admitting they have a yeast invection.

# ? Jun 3, 2022 16:19

AmiYumi: Oct 10, 2005; I FORGOT TO HAIL KING TORG

shelley posted:

yeah

Thank you for the good and correct thing in response to what I asked, but strangely enough that wasn't the one I was thinking of :stonklol:

Which makes me think the one I remember - a dialogue between two authors, in character, discussing what and how and why to include while writing the historical account - might not have been from here, and was just based on elise's post.

Elise is great, indeed

# ? Jun 3, 2022 19:16

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# ? May 25, 2024 08:40

Ichabod Sexbeast: Dec 5, 2011; Giving 'em the old razzle-dazzle

Are you sure you're not just thinking of The Last Ringbearer as a series of forum posts?

# ? Jun 3, 2022 19:27

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