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Michael pops up to announce these things "TOA-STY"
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Jan 12, 2022 10:27
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| # ? May 29, 2024 20:02 |
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Dwight starts a youtube channel with funny and informational videos about beet farming. They don't get much traction but that doesn't bother Dwight. Unfortunately Jim gets wind of the channel and plagiarizes all of Dwight's videos from scripts and costume choices down to the camera angles. Jim's channel takes off with millions of subs and lots of sponsors while Dwight languishes at 4 subs and 87 average views per video.
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Jan 12, 2022 11:33
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Jim shows up to work with an M on his forehead and carrying a large and weird jar. He's significantly more muscular than he used to be. He keeps telling Dwight he should enlist for the upcoming Tenkaichi Budokai
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Jan 12, 2022 16:12
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Jim enrolls Chips in a forklift driving school as part of a prank. But Chips is so good at driving forklifts that he finishes school long before Jim finishes preparing the rest of the prank. To keep his skills sharp, Jim has Chips take shifts in the warehouse, where Chips swiftly wins over the entire warehouse crew and parlays that into a full-time union job with great benefits and pension. Chips is soon earning way more than Jim, and buys Jim's house from the bank when it is foreclosed upon after Jim refuses to pay the mortgage out of the pranking budget. Chips graciously allows the Halperts to live in his attic "until they can get back on their feet." Meanwhile, Chips converts the rest of the house to be navigated by swinging between vines.
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Jan 12, 2022 22:16
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jim
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Jan 13, 2022 21:56
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Dwihgt
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Jan 13, 2022 22:08
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Dwight and Jim walk into a bar. The bar was placed there earlier by Jim so he could trick Dwight into walking into it. Ouch!
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Jan 14, 2022 03:45
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Jim slouches towards Lower Scranton, his bulk obscuring the sky. Hundred try to flee before him but he rolls on, uncaring. Some fall to their knees and pray, some weep, some cry; all are consumed. Alone in his house Dwight sits, an open Amazon package by his feet, a stapler in his hands. The room begins to shake as Jim envelops closer.
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Jan 14, 2022 03:53
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Dwight hears a strange rustling sound outside his house. When he steps outside to investigate, he is shocked to discover a filthy, emaciated Jim rummaging through his trash and desperately devouring anything remotely edible that he can find. Jim's hair is disheveled, and he's dressed in only a shredded pair of tighty-whities. Jim quickly turns to Dwight and grins, "Pranked again, Balloon Boy! Next time keep an eye on your trash!" Jim laughs and scampers away on all fours, and as he disappears into the woods, Dwight notices that Jim's legs are covered in hideous scratches and animal bites. Later that night, Dwight prepares an extra large meal for his family, with lots of healthy ingredients. After everyone has eaten their fill and the kids have been tucked into bed, Dwight scoops a generous helping of leftovers onto a plate and leaves it on the front porch. After Dwight has returned indoors and it seems like the coast is clear, Jim comes crawling out from a bush with inhuman speed. He presses his face into the still-warm leftovers and begins to devour them like an animal that hasn't been fed for a week, so desperate that he barely even pauses to chew or breathe. "This is a prank." he tells himself, forcing his mouth into a smile. "I'm pranking Dwight right now." Dwight watches this scene from a upstairs window, shaking his head sadly.
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Jan 15, 2022 06:57
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Jim grows his fingernails into long, wicked claws. When Dwight goes to the bathroom for his regularly scheduled poo poo, Jim slides under the stall divider with perfect timing and viciously scratches at Dwight's exposed rear end and genitals before he can even sit down.
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Jan 15, 2022 07:15
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Jim pre records a prank phone message and programs an autodialer to call Dwight at a designated time. The prank message has pauses to simulate listening to Dwight's responses, and vague enough answers it's not immediately apparent he's not actually answering Dwight. The message begins with "real Jim" calling Dwight to let him know he won't be at work that morning, followed by confusion and alarm when Dwight informs him that Jim is at work sitting directly across from him. "Dwight, that's not me. You need to get out of there! You need to get everyone out of there!" Dwight, of course, takes things to DEFCON 1 immediately and starts raving about imposters and trying to get everyone to evacuate but realizes he's been pranked when his phone rings again and it's the same message playing from the beginning. Jim mugs at the camera while Dwight rages.
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Jan 15, 2022 14:43
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Jim brings in a dollhouse sized version of Dwight's house and sets it down in the conference room. Curious, Dwight goes to look at it and is shocked by the level of detail. Jim has gotten everything right, even down to the lighting fixtures in the house and the books currently sitting on Dwight's nightstand. Torn between admiration of the effort and horror at the realization that Jim has access to his home, Dwight simply applauds Jim's work. "Well, thanks Dwight, I appreciate that. But did you notice the best part? Look in the basement! Here, it opens up!" Jim moves a small panel and reveals the dirt basement where Dwight stores his casks of beet wine. He notices a mound of dirt and a doll standing next to it with a blood-stained shovel. The doll has floppy hair and a smug grin. Dwight looks closer and sees an arm sticking out of the pile of dirt, clad in a mustard yellow shirt. "Don't worry, Dwight. I strive for 100% accuracy in my models. See ya later."
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Jan 17, 2022 13:57
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Jim drops a giant box over Dwight's desk. When Michael asks what he's doing, Jim explains that he's created "Prankdinger's Box" and that Dwight is both "being pranked" and "not being pranked" right now. "It's impossible for an outside observer to know! How freaking cool is that?" Jim happily explains to Michael. Frustrated and realizing that Dwight has an important call coming up in 15 minutes, Michael tears apart the flimsily constructed box, freeing Dwight. But something has changed. Dwight's hair is now white. His eyes are sunken in, with a yellow film over them. They dart nervously back and forth. His skin is pale and is pulled tight against his skull. He weakly lifts one trembling arm but it quickly drops to his side, he is exhausted with the effort. Dwight tries again to lift his arm and dial the conference number, but passes out from the effort. Michael asks what the hell Jim has done this time, and Jim just mugs for the camera.
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Jan 17, 2022 14:10
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A Fancy Hat posted:Jim drops a giant box over Dwight's desk. When Michael asks what he's doing, Jim explains that he's created "Prankdinger's Box" and that Dwight is both "being pranked" and "not being pranked" right now. In a parallel universe, created when Jim put the box over Dwight desk, Michael finds it hilarious and high fives Jim. At the end of the day, Angela lifts the Box so she and Dwight can go home for the day, but when she lifts it up, Dwight has suffocated, because there were no air holes.
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Jan 17, 2022 14:30
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in the office kitchen, jim stirs a large vat of fruit, molten sugar, and pectin as a gelling agent. it's scaldingly hot but with a flourish and a whoop jim descends into it headfirst, sinking to the bottom of the vat as the office erupts in screams around him the contents rock and simmer for a while before an automated spigot dumps about a pound of the concoction into a kilner jar. as it cools, and as dwight frantically attempts to get an ambulance on site, jam mugs the camera
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Jan 17, 2022 14:30
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In yet another universe, Dwight just lifts up the box and says, annoyed, "Ha. Ha. Very funny, Jim".
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Jan 17, 2022 14:31
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A giant glass blowing furnace is installed at Dunder Mifflin, by orders of "Tim Falfert", supposedly the new VP of Sales. "Woah, cool! Now we can finally make some glass vases and stuff!" says an overjoyed Jim, his eyes filled with wonder. He rushes towards the furnace, despite Darryl asking if Jim knows what he's doing and how to operate the furnace. "Of course I do! You just melt some glass like this..." Jim sticks the long pole into the burning hot furnace, slowly turning it around until the glass at the end becomes red hot and malleable. "Hey Dwight! Kiss my glass!" Dwight is nowhere nearby as Jim puts his lips around the other end of the rod and inhales. Molten glass flies into his mouth and throat and drips down into his lungs. "Darryl! Darryl help! I sucked instead of blowing! Just like your momma!" Jim starts coughing up blood and molten glass as Darryl walks away, ignoring Jim's desperate cries for help. "Darryl! Please... I'm... not...can't... oxygen..." Jim dies on the warehouse floor, his insides slowly transforming into glass. When Dwight shows up to work, he's shocked to discover the accident. Even more distressing, Toby drops a massive pile of paperwork on his desk. "Dwight, you're the chief safety officer of the office. We need you to write up a code for dealing with the glass blowing furnace now. Plus you need to detail all the steps that led to Jim's accident, create warning labels for the furnace, and created a detailed SOP for everyone who wants to use the furnace. And we need this done by close of business today." When Dwight asks why they're keeping the furnace and who else could possibly want to use it, Toby sadly says he doesn't make the rules, and that "Tim Falfert" authorized this thing. When Dwight notes, correctly, that Jim just came up with a bad fake name, Toby again notes that it's out of his hands. Dwight sighs as he begins his arduous paperwork.
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Jan 17, 2022 14:42
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Dwight is finally caught up on Beet Farmer Unlimited Saga - Go For It Again!, going so far as to learn Japanese so that he can read the newest chapter as soon as it is released. Jim's health has obviously deteriorated lately, his hands twisted into arthritic claws and his eyes now magnified behind thick glasses so he can read. When Dwight asks if anything's wrong, Jim says "these loving deadlines, Dwight! My baka editor is always on my rear end!" Dwight finds the comment strange, but no stranger than most of Jim's behavior, so he ignores it. Over lunch, Jim retreats to a supply closet and furious scribbling is heard from behind the closed door. At one point Jim lets out a loud "chikusho!" is heard. Jim then spends most of the afternoon trying to send a pdf to someone in Japan, sweating through his shirt and remarking that "these loving bloodsucking editors are going to bleed me dry". A few days later, Dwight picks up chapter 1358 of his favorite manga, but finds the story lacking. The next few weeks unfortunately continue the trend, and by chapter 1375, Dwight stops purchasing the book, realizing that the mangaka producing it seems to have lost any passion for the project. He sighs at his desk, realizing that one of his favorite pieces of media no longer appeals to him. "Oh? Did you just sigh over there?" Jim isn't wearing his glasses, so he's staring at the water cooler when he says this. "That sounded like you're sad! What's wrong, Dwight?" Dwight explains the amount of time he's invested in this series and that he feels sad to see the drop in quality happen so quickly. He also says he hopes the creator is okay and can take a mental health break if he needs it. Jim mugs for the ceiling fan, overjoyed at having created and then destroyed something that Dwight loved. Extreme pain rockets through his crippled hands. As he reaches for the special ointment he must apply 3 times a day, he hears a wet pop in his back and realizes he's misaligned his spine again. A side effect of constantly hunching over his desk, something he was warned about several years ago. All worth it.
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Jan 17, 2022 15:12
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Jim spends all day on his favourite prank forum catching up on the 1000+ posts he missed, causing Dwight to have to stay late to do Jim's work.
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Jan 17, 2022 15:17
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Jim finishes collating an end-of-day report for corporate. "I'm done for the day--I'm gonna head out a little early," he announces to The Office. For several weeks, every day ends the same way: Jim finishes his report early; "I'm headed out, see you all tomorrow." Dwight makes a funny face at Jim's most recent announcement. "I'm done for the day, love you." What is that wily Jim Halpert up to? he wonders. As a retired volunteer sheriff, he decides to "tail" Jim after he leaves work. Jim's silver Saab Aero works its way through the bowels of Scranton's commercial & industrial center; Dwight follows behind, eating cheese sandwiches--his stakeout cheese sandwiches. He licks his fingers and carefully disposes of each sandwich bag in a slightly larger bag labeled "SANDWICH BAGS". Over the course of twenty minutes, warehouses and factories become shops and restaurants, shops and restaurants become apartment complexes and innocuous suburban sprawl. Theirs is a game of cat-and-mouse, Dwight reflects...but whom is the cat and whom is the mouse? The Saab pulls into a driveway and Dwight parks several houses away. He watches through the lenses of 15x70 binoculars as Halpert collects his things and walks into the house. "Got you." Dwight checks his watch and makes a mental note: 16:57. At this time of year in PA, the sun is already slumping beneath the horizon--the first victim of night, but certainly not the last. Dusk provides cover for Dwight's approach. Crouched between the frostbitten shrubs and bare flowerbeds, he peers through a front window. His quarry sits on a couch beside a woman, heavy with child; both wear pensive expressions. He recognizes the woman as a coworker named Pam, who has recently gone on maternity leave. She cradles a second, birthed child--Dwight searches for the child's name, but it eludes him. Just then, Pam lifts up a corner of her shirt and bares one of her breasts to the child, to Jim, to the room. Dwight feels himself reflexively recoil and shrink...but then an acute fascination overtakes the revulsion. He exhales and watches as Jim--seemingly oblivious to his coworker's state of undress--continues to have a mundane conversation with her. For what feels like a very long time, Dwight observes them: they talk, they cook, they eat, they retire to bed; when they relocate to another part of the house, he repositions accordingly. As the final bedroom light winks out, Dwight finds himself standing alone in a backyard in a quiet suburban neighborhood, the sound of his steps and breathing muted by a soft snowfall. He puzzles over the confusing thoughts that Jim and his coworker have inflicted on him tonight. Quite the prank...well played...he thinks of Jim and of Pam, and of this place that he has no interest in. This place that he has been lured out to once again. The heavy creak of the driver's door on the Firebird Trans Am cuts through the night air; the struts groan softly as he climbs inside and closes the door. 
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Jan 17, 2022 19:11
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Wandering around his basement stuffed full of pranks, Jim sighs for a moment. "Look at this stuff Isn't it neat? Wouldn't ya think my collection's complete? Wouldn't ya think I'm the boy The boy who has every prank? Look at these pranks, comedy untold How many wonders can one basement hold? Lookin' around here you'd think Sure, he's got everything I've got buzzers and cushions aplenty I've got fake poop and puppets galore You want Dwight's skull? I got twenty But who cares? No big deal I want moooooore I wanna be where the Schrutes are I wanna see, wanna see 'em farmin' Growin' a crop of that - What do ya call it? Oh, beet Prankin' Dwight Schrute you don't get too far Beets are required for cookin', eatin' Making' a drink out of - What's that word again? Beet! Up where they farm, up where they run Up where they stay all day in the sun Wanderin' free, wish I could be Part of that world What would I give if I could live Out of this basement? What would I pay to spend a day Warm on his farm? Betcha at Schrute's they understand Bet they don't reprimand their pranksters Bright young prankster, sick of workin' Ready to stand And ready to know what the Schrutes know Ask 'em my questions and get some answers What's a Dwight and why does it - What's the word? Burn When's it my turn? Wouldn't I love Love to explore that farm up above? Out of this house, wish I could be Part of his farm." Pam downs a bottle of cooking sherry during the 2nd verse.
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Jan 17, 2022 20:20
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Jim announces that he is going to build a rocket ship to fly himself and his wife to space. When Dwight shakes his head and says that he finds the idea implausible, Jim stretches his arm across the entire room and slaps him. “Nobody asked for your opinion, Doctor Doom!”
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Jan 18, 2022 02:40
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For a goof, Jim calls Child Welfare Services and convinces them that Dwight's cousin Mose is actually a child with "Amish Progeria". But when CWS visits the Schrute Farm and finds Mose collecting rusty nails to make thermite, everybody gets a bigger scare than they anticipated. Now Dwight & Mose have gone into "hiding" on the farm, and Jim is making the most of the situation by concealing the fact that CWS has already figured out Mose is a 27-year-old manchild. He provides the duo with periodic "updates" and, when he feels them testing their boundaries and growing bold, he finds ways to feed into their intense paranoia: Patrol cars are lured out to the farm with bogus noise complaints; a utilities truck is presented as an undercover stakeout; a slapdash photoshop suggests an "international manhunt" for the two Schrutes. Back at The Office, Angela grows increasingly worried about Dwight's extended absence, but Jim invents a story about Dwight finally taking that trek to "Mordor". When Michael expresses curiosity at Dwight's disappearance, Jim simply claims that Dwight died; after fleeting concerns, Michael becomes preoccupied with Googling inheritance law for bosses of dead employees. Meanwhile at Schrute Farm, Dwight and Mose sustain themselves with beets and snowmelt as Jim's visitations become increasingly sporadic. After adapting to the perpetual darkness of the farm's extensive cellar system, Mose has developed a fear of the sun and falling into the sky, and Dwight has become obsessed with cultivating a beet that thrives in darkness he refers to as "the Crepuscular Beet". The only question now is: How long can Jim keep the charade going for? 
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Jan 18, 2022 05:45
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jim brings to market a new, beets-themed sex arse, stealing dwight's image and intellectual properry to do so the lust bums are a startling, runaway success; praised by rubber rump enthusiasts via word of mouth, the Schrute Your Load brand skyrockets in popularity and jim cannot keep up with demand through local connections despite dwight's protests and impending legal action, jim commisions a factory based in mainland china for a vast production run. he oversees delivery via sea freight himself, chartering space on an Evergreen hauler on which he also serves as a crew member. as the boat approaches the suez canal, jim calmly positions himself near the steering wheel. ramming a quarter-million ton boat into the side of the canal, and making it temporarily slightly harder for dwight to purchase electronics due to global supply chain disruption, jim mugs the sandbar
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Jan 18, 2022 10:30
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Jim shows up to work juggling four chainsaws. "Hey, Dwight! You want in on the act?" Without waiting for a response, Jim tosses a chainsaw at Dwight. Dwight deftly catches it and continues juggling. Jim tosses the other three chainsaws, one after another, and Dwight continues to carefully juggle them. "Okay, big finale time, moon face!" Jim pulls three flaming torches out of seemingly nowhere and tosses them at Dwight. Somehow, Dwight catches them and continues juggling the flaming torches and the chainsaws. He's beginning to sweat from the effort and from the heat of the torches. Jim calmly walks away. Dwight, who has only reached chapter 7 of his book on how to juggle, has no idea how to safely stop juggling. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Jan 18, 2022 14:39
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"Hey, did you guys know Dwight keeps his shoes on in the bathroom?" laughs Jim over his lunch break. "Like, in his house?" replies Pam. "NO! Here! He's like an animal, every time he's peeing or pooping he's got his shoes on!" Kevin, who has been silently watching this conversation, calmly stands up and quickly walks to Oscar's desk. Speaking to his closest friend in the office, he reveals the fact that Jim goes to the bathroom at work in bare feet. "That's so unsanitary! He's probably swimming in germs right now." Oscar begins refilling the bottle of hand sanitizer he keeps on his desk as he tells Angela the disgusting news. Spreading like wildfire, soon the whole office knows and Toby and Michael call Jim into Michael's office. "So, Jim, I'm going to make this short and sweet. Are you going to the bathroom with your shoes off?" Jim gets a giant grin on his face and nods. "Okay. You know this is disgusting, right? You need to keep you shoes on in the bathroom. In fact, just keep your shoes on at work at all times." Michael sighs, already dreading where this day is going. "Got it, boss man! In fact, I'm feeling like I need to deposit a little Dwight right now, if ya know what I mean." Jim tries to wink at Michael but can't do it, so he kind of aggressively blinks at him instead. "Fine, that's fine. Thank you." A few minutes later, Ryan intentionally starts a fire in the breakroom. "Kind of a sequel thing, you know, or a reboot I guess" he confusingly says to the camera. As the office workers flee, a nude Jim bursts out of the bathroom, only wearing a pair of shoes. He runs down the staircase at full speed and flees into downtown Scranton, his penis and hair flopping in the wind. Jim is never seen again.
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Jan 18, 2022 15:29
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It's discovered that Jim has been going to the bathroom nude except for his shoes. Michael pinches the bridge of his nose and sits Jim down again. "No, Jim, you have to keep all your clothes on in the bathroom," explains Michael. "Seems a little weird but you're the boss," says Jim. The next time Jim goes to the bathroom, he sits on the toilet without pulling down his pants or underwear and shits directly into his pants. He comes out suppressing a smile and mugs the camera as he returns to his seat. Moments later the smell hits the rest of the office and Jim grins from ear to ear as his coworkers berate him.
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Jan 18, 2022 15:59
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Dwight finds Jim naked, standing by himself on the rooftop of Dunder-Mifflin, muttering to himself. As Dwight approaches, he hears Jim repeating, almost as if it were a mantra, "I'm pranking Dwight right now. I'm pranking Dwight right now. I'm pranking Dwight right now."
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Jan 18, 2022 20:16
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Jim ties Dwight's shoe laces together while he's on a conference call. Dwight stands up and, shockingly, has no problem walking away. Upon closer inspection, Jim realizes that Dwight is wearing velcro shoes. From the other side of the office comes a huge crash as Meredith trips over her tied together shoes and smashes her face into her desk. "I thought Dwight's feet looked a little feminine today..." Jim mugs for the camera.
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Jan 19, 2022 15:02
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Jim hurriedly reverts the changes he'd recently made to Dwight's Wikifeet entry.
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Jan 19, 2022 15:25
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Dwight is spending the long weekend at the park with his family. He has invited a few friends and family, and is BBQing them a wonderful slow-smoked baby back rack of ribs, in a sweet beet sauce. He also makes some vegetarian "beyond" burgers to introduce a more environmentally friendly food to his loved ones. Although Dwight isn't pushy, he describes them when asked, and soon the tray is almost entirely eaten. There is one left, the burger that Dwight has been saving for himself. A crusty rag man pushes an old shopping cart filled with cans past the park. He sees the group enjoying themselves and spits on the ground. Dwight notices his apparent distress, and the shoes coming apart on the man's feet. He thinks for a moment, then walks over to the man. As he approaches, he notices a strange detail: the man's dirty, unkempt beard looks to be unnaturally floppy. Dwight gives the man his last burger, and the shoes off his feet. The man is emaciated, and his feet are bloody. Nevertheless he appears compelled to reject them. It looks like it pains him to do so, but there is a more powerful force controlling his actions. Finally, with tears forming clean rivers against the grime of his cheeks, the man spits out a retort as he throws the shoes into the lake and the burger on the ground. "Jeez. Where's the beef?!" He turns and pushes his cart away. Dwight watches him, dumbfounded. As the man recedes into the distance, Dwight can hear him say to himself, almost in self-affirmation: "This is a prank. I'm performing a prank right now. It's all part of the prank."
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Jan 19, 2022 15:27
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Jim steals Dwight's car keys and tosses them into the sewer grate outside of the office. "Talk about a lovely situation!" he says to himself while giggling. At the end of the day Dwight panics for a moment when he can't find his keys, but then remembers that he keeps a spare set in a hidden compartment in his desk. Dwight performs the complicated series of steps and gets his cars keys, deciding to hunt for the missing keys more tomorrow. Jim tries to grab the keys off of Dwight, but Dwight easily holds him at bay. Jim pretends to walk away, then quickly runs at Dwight in an attempted surprise attack. Dwight, again, easily holds Jim at bay by putting an outstretched palm in his face. After nearly 10 minutes of this, a panting and sweating Jim stops struggling and walks away. Dwight silently heads to his car and drives home, but finds an unusually high amount of traffic. Eventually, the line of cars are completely stopped and Dwight asks a passing bicyclist what's going on. "Oh, some skinny guy is standing in the middle of the road muttering about throwing keys down a sewer grate. Hey! You're Dwight Schrute, aren't you? Can you sign my autograph book?" Dwight happily signs the book and sits in traffic, unfortunately delaying his return home by a few hours. It's not the worst thing, though, as it gives him a chance to catch up with several podcasts he loves. Jim is finally dragged away by police while muttering "lovely situation".
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Jan 19, 2022 16:03
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The ur-Jim sits on his cosmic throne and ponders the infinite expanse of the multiverse laid out in front of Him. He has long since ascended out of space and time itself, his pranks tearing a hole through reality. Now He sits, a titan, a God, His scope is the scope of all, His domain is everything that has been, everything that can be, everything that will be. But what's this? He notices something is happening in a multiverse distant from the one He once strode through, a God amongst mortals. In this reality, Jim - He - Jim/He - is pathetic. A simpering coward, prancing in the street, driven insane by the Enemy. He thinks to himself. This cannot stand. For the first time in what feels like centuries He brings his labyrinthine focus to bear on a single reality. ** Dwight sits in his car listening to his favorite podcast. In the distance he can make out the police trying to reason with Jim. Suddenly, he hears a pop and his radio goes silent. A single strand of smoke wafts out. Dwight hears what sounds like an echoing laugh which quickly vanishes. Must be by imagination, he thinks. Oh well! Time to get a new radio anyway. He digs out his cell phone, opens up Spotify, and continues listening from where the radio cut off.
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Jan 19, 2022 17:35
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Jim discovers that the surprisingly meager security system at Dwight's Bed & Breakfast is unsecured, and gains access to the property's cameras. As he idly flips back and forth between them, he racks his brain for the perfect prank. "Pretend to be psychic," Pam suggests. "You've always wanted to be psychic." But overwhelmed by the sheer number of options now at his disposal, he decides to sleep on it. The following day, he returns to the cameras and observes Dwight break his fast with Grape-Nuts and buttermilk. From his secret vantage point, Dwight's head looks particularly bulbous. Turgid. That was a word-of-the-day, wasn't it? Dwight's head is turgid. The word continues to echo in Jim's thoughts. That afternoon, Jim finds himself watching Dwight make cheese sandwiches by placing American singles between slices of bread; he does this again and again until an entire loaf of bread is exhausted--perhaps a dozen sandwiches in total. And later, he watches as Dwight and Mose play an elaborate game of Battleship in the parlor. Dwight fiddles with the brim of a Kriegsmarine U-Boat Captain's hat and mangles lines from Das Boot; Cousin Mose fidgets erratically and is visibly distressed when Dwight sinks his battleship. "I wish it was your U-boat," Dwight admits wistfully. "A hundred souls trapped on the ocean floor." That night Pam has another suggestion: "Pretend to be god. You've always wanted to be god." Jim reflects on Dwight's game of Battleship: The obscene act of condemning mortals to a watery grave, of holding sway over the lives of others--anybody can do those things. But a god savors it as an act of righteousness. He waits until the Schrutes retire for the night; for a while still, he watches them sleep soundly in perfect silence. One moment it is 10:00 PM, and when he looks at the clock again, it reads 2:00 AM. He quietly slips out of bed--careful not to disturb his coworker Pam sleeping peacefully beside him--and grabs his car keys. We all want to be god, don't we? 
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Jan 19, 2022 18:17
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jim tugs dwight's trousers down and spraypaints his bollocks with silver paint
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Jan 19, 2022 18:41
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"Hello. welcome to Dunkin Donuts, how can I help you today?" "Hellooooo. My name is Dwight Schrute and I'm wondering if you have any... HOTDOGS here!" "Is this Jim Halpert again?" *muffled laughter is heard* "Sir, you've been warned before. You are officially banned from this Dunkin Donuts." "Oh, you're banning me, Dwight Schrute! How dare you!" "Jim, please, for your sake, get some help. You're a middle aged man. I'm a teenager, I shouldn't have to tell you this." "I've never been so offended in my life! Now, I suppose I'll have to stick a beet up my buttocks this morning!" Later that afternoon, Jim's youtube channel (Hot Boy Pranks 4 U) uploads "BEET BUTTOCKS PRANK FUNNY EPIC DRIVE THRU". It gets 6 million hits in half a day.
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Jan 19, 2022 18:46
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Jim learns how to imitate Dwight's voice exactly, then purchases an expensive voice-activated lock which he uses to lock Dwight's drawer full of client contact information. Dwight ends up spending all day trying to think of the word combination that causes the lock to unlock itself, but grows increasingly flustered as Jim mugs for the camera. "Do you want a hint, Dwight?" Irritated and tired, Dwight says he does. "The hint is, I don't even remember! Bye bye, fat rear end!" Jim walks out the door, living Dwight alone with his locked desk.
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Jan 19, 2022 19:01
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Jim chases Dwight around the office for an hour with an oversized novelty pencil, threatening to erase him. Michael makes him stop when they trample Meredith, resulting in her being taken to the hospital.
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Jan 19, 2022 19:27
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Jim did accidentally erase Kevin though
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Jan 19, 2022 20:21
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| # ? May 29, 2024 20:02 |
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Dwight can't seem to get warm in the office, and Jim brings him a bowl of soup. "Here ya go, bud. This'll warm you up." Dwight begins eating the soup and it's, unexpectedly, delicious. He slurps it down quickly but soon finds, to his horror, that his body has begun to melt. He looks at his rapidly disintegrating hand as it melts away to nothing, then looks down at the soupy mass where his stomach used to be. Dwight collapses and soon melts away completely, leaving only a pile of wet clothing where he was sitting. A few minutes later, Dwight walks into the office again. He looks at the pile of clothing, picks it up, and tosses it in the Lost and Found. Unbeknownst to him, there are already 8 identical sets of clothing in there. Dwight sits down and starts complaining about how cold it is. Jim, practically beaming, brings him a bowl of soup. "Here ya go, bud. This'll warm you up." Dwight cautiously takes a sip of soup but finds it to be delicious, quickly finishing the entire bowl. He lets out a weak scream as his neck and throat begin to melt away. Dwight tries to grab his phone to call for help but his fingers turn into sludge as they touch the phone. His lower jaw drops off as he tries to scream, falling to the wet ground with a plopping noise and soon melting away to nothing. Dwight tries to stand but his legs collapse under him into piles of mush and soon he falls onto his back and melts away into nothing but a soggy pile of clothing. Dwight walks into the office and eyes up the wet floor and pile of clothing. He picks it up and takes it to the lost and found, which is almost overflowing at this point. He sits back down and comments on how cold it is today, wondering if the heater's broken. "I'll be right back, Dwight. I'll bring you some soup then." Jim steps over to the window overlooking the snow-covered parking lot. Dozens of snow Dwights stand there silently, each one a perfect replica of Dwight. Jim stares at them and feels his heart flutter for a moment. He's convinced all of them that they are alive, human, and Dwight. And oh what a joy it is to see the horror in their faces as they melt away and realize what they truly are. Or maybe the illusion is never shattered, and they melt away still believing themselves to be Dwight. Jim is reflected in the window and mugs at himself. "Here ya go, bud. This'll warm you up." Jim hands Snow-Dwight a bowl of soup. Chicken noodle.
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Jan 19, 2022 20:37
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