Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

timp posted:

What a great batch, a little something for everyone in those two

Should be a little proud that your husband can pull physical trainer dick. Those guys are in high demand.

# ? Mar 22, 2017 05:39

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# ? May 25, 2024 15:13

Gridlocked: Aug 2, 2014; MR. STUPID MORON
WITH AN UGLY FACE
AND A BIG BUTT
AND HIS BUTT SMELLS
AND HE LIKES TO KISS
HIS OWN BUTT
by Roger Hargreaves

Husband Gay, So What

# ? Mar 22, 2017 06:32

whiter than a Wilco show: Mar 30, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

I always suspected exercise was gay

# ? Mar 22, 2017 07:52

Luebbi: Jul 28, 2000

i loved the detail at the end, how he looked at her. "Do you MIND?"

# ? Mar 22, 2017 08:21

exmachina: Mar 12, 2006; Look Closer

Luebbi posted:

i loved the detail at the end, how he looked at her. "Do you MIND?"

I don't think the confesser was a woman.

# ? Mar 22, 2017 13:09

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

She said she was relieved when figuring out the trainer was a guy. I don't think that would calm a jealous gay guys' nerves.

# ? Mar 22, 2017 13:19

Luebbi: Jul 28, 2000

exmachina posted:

I don't think the confesser was a woman.

Read again for more lols

# ? Mar 22, 2017 13:23

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

exmachina posted:

I don't think the confesser was a woman.

You would be wrong then.

# ? Mar 22, 2017 14:43

walgreenslatino: Jun 2, 2015; Lipstick Apathy

RCarr posted:

You would be wrong then.

sorry about your marriage

# ? Mar 22, 2017 14:47

Hardawn: Mar 15, 2004; Don't look at the sun, but rather what it illuminates; College Slice

Is it a given that the husband was catching?

# ? Mar 22, 2017 15:06

Beige: Sep 13, 2004

yeah I eat rear end posted:

The most annoying thing about that confession to me is that he tells us to google trepanning but then defines it for us anyway.

Wrongly, too. Maybe that was part of the bait.

# ? Mar 22, 2017 15:40

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I was nearly killed by alternative medicine and want to tell the story.

You've may have heard of cupping, which is putting little cups on your back and causing a vacuum so they adhere tightly. You eventually pop the cups off and it leaves a big red hickey. The idea is it promotes bloodflow to that area. It's bullshit but was normalized by a few athletes, so it became a bit of a pop culture treatment for a bit.

There is also blood cupping, which almost killed me. Blood cupping is the same procedure, except they put tiny slices in to your skin before the cups are applied. The vacuum then sucks out some of your blood from the cupped areas. It works on the same logic as bloodletting so, yeah, it's dangerous bullshit.

However, I was vacationing in Thailand last summer and went to a massage therapist, with the original intent of getting a happy ending or being directed towards a brothel. I won't sugarcoat that point at all.

I barely understood the language and ended up getting something called a Super Plus Massage, which to me screamed "Your penis will be rubbed and possibly put into something wet and warm". The massage started normally and they put some kind of numbing lotion on my back which felt really good. And, I know how, so I didn't wince when they sliced into my back with a scalpel. The cups went on then and I just rolled with it, expecting some big hickeys on my back and nothing else.

Then I got woozy and passed out.

Turns out they sliced an artery and I lost almost 3 pints of blood. I woke up in the hospital but would love to know what that massage room looked like. I must have been spraying blood like crazy.

quote:

My parents were atheists and pretty insufferable about it. They liked telling everyone how enlightened they were and how they were raising their daughter, me, to also be an atheist.

Unfortunately kids have a lot of questions about stuff like "why do bad things happen?" and "why are some people mean" that my parents were not prepared to answer. To them, everything we do was due to chemical reactions in the brain, and this is some heady and terrifying stuff to contemplate at 4 or 5 years old.

I ended up believing that I was different from everyone else. That everyone else did things because chemicals told them to, but that I had some higher level of consciousness. I learned a little about religion from kids in school and from how they described God or Buddha or Allah or Moses or whatever - I felt like those beings thought like me. So I started to imagine I was God and had created the whole universe. My parents did nothing to stop this, in fact they found it hilarious and viewed me as some kind of tool showing that religion would mess up kids.

So when they both OD'd on heroin and I found their bodies in the basement, I was convinced I had wiped them out with my powers. I didn't call police or anything for 6 days, I just went on living my life with my parents rotting in the basement.

So for obvious reasons, once someone showed up I spent some time in a home for troubled teens, getting closely monitored by a shrink and a personal physician. Eventually they helped me understand what was really going on in my head, that everybody felt that way, and that my parents had done a bad thing by encouraging me to feel confused like that. It's about a decade later and I'm okay now, but I avoid discussing my childhood whenever possible.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 02:59

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

Mom and dad rotten, so what?

# ? Mar 23, 2017 03:14

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Yep, bad parenting was definitely due to the atheism.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 03:16

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

When two people OD on heroin at the same time that's more likely a double suicide, not an overdose.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 03:59

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Or muuuuuuuuuurder.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 04:12

timefly: Apr 29, 2008

Play posted:

When two people OD on heroin at the same time that's more likely a double suicide, not an overdose.

It could easily have been much purer, or cut with something stronger, than they were used to and killed them both

# ? Mar 23, 2017 04:20

Axolotl: Jan 23, 2002; Whatever

Play posted:

When two people OD on heroin at the same time that's more likely a double suicide, not an overdose.

Not true at all.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 05:42

Gridlocked: Aug 2, 2014; MR. STUPID MORON
WITH AN UGLY FACE
AND A BIG BUTT
AND HIS BUTT SMELLS
AND HE LIKES TO KISS
HIS OWN BUTT
by Roger Hargreaves

Axolotl posted:

Not true at all.

This.

It could have been a Murder-Suicide.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 05:47

Axolotl: Jan 23, 2002; Whatever

Gridlocked posted:

This.

It could have been a Murder-Suicide.

At least there won't be a trial.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 05:48

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; "From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.; Buglord

Axolotl posted:

Not true at all.

Suicide can be accidental

# ? Mar 23, 2017 14:54

U_Stole_Content: Mar 23, 2017; by FactsAreUseless

Gridlocked posted:

This.

It could have been a Murder-Suicide.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 14:55

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

i too wouldn't want to waste the leftover heroin by having police turn up

# ? Mar 23, 2017 14:56

U_Stole_Content: Mar 23, 2017; by FactsAreUseless

Jose posted:

i too wouldn't want to waste the leftover heroin by having police turn up

Accessible and reasonable legal system with transparency > H

# ? Mar 23, 2017 14:58

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I am a flat-earther and have yet to hear any proof of a round earth that convinced me. However, being a flat earther is not a popular position, so I never tell anyone.

I don't want to debate endless points that have been argued by scientists, so I'd just appreciate some ACTUAL answers for the following things:

If Earth is curved, why don't planes just fly off into space? They'd have to keep tucking the nose down.

Why does NASA have troops at Antarctica if it's not a giant ice wall they keep people from climbing?

Why do the other planets look flat when we look at them if they're round? When I look a the moon it looks like a plate, not a ball.

I am not a weirdo who doesn't believe in gravity or whatever, but these are my 3 big sticking points. If you can honestly, without using lies, explain these things I would reconsider my position. But I have a feeling you can't.

Yeah no offense dude but those are some pretty childish questions

Pilots have to correct courses on airplanes all the time in all sorts of directions, NASA doesn't have troops but Antarctica is an important research location, and you are really far away from the moon so you can't perceive its curvature using the puny one-inch distance between your two eyes. Mountains look pretty flat from far away too. Are they flat as well?

More importantly, people have seen Earth from space and you can see pictures of it anytime you want and I'm sorry but that motherfucker is spherical as all poo poo. Like, there isn't any science or even logical cognition necessary for this.

Before people even agreed on the Copernican model of the solar system they knew the loving Earth was round. The idea that everybody thought the Earth was flat before Christopher Columbus' voyage is a myth. Watch a tall ship sailing out to sea through a telescope and eventually you can see its sails dipping beneath the horizon. Wait for that ship to come back and ask the sailors whether they sank and miraculously resurfaced and they will say no. Fuckin' horizons, how do they work

quote:

I ended up loving a stripper, a college girl, and a middle aged woman during my bachelor party. I lied to all but the stripper and said the party was for a friend and I was single. Lots of alcohol and a little bit of molly was involved and I felt bad for betraying my wife.

I obviously didn't tell me wife and the wedding went fine the next day, so I thought things were okay. Her heart wasn't broken and we were good. Then I developed gential warts. My first thought was to blame my wife and accuse her of cheating to get ahead of things, but she magically did not develop anything before noticing them on me.

Divorce is a bitch if you're a man and really reinforces the idea that women run the world. I lost half my stuff and was punished for "infidelity", which wasn't true - they were all a single one night stand, not relationships. But the judge was an old bitch and probably wanted to punish me for all men.

So my advice is pack a condom for your bachelor party and don't gently caress dirty whore strippers.

My bachelor party was mostly just my cousin getting me stoned out of my gourd on Colorado weed and having a barbecue with the groomsmen

# ? Mar 23, 2017 15:29

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

You hosed a stripper without a condom? Come on man.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 15:33

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

loquacius posted:

I am not a weirdo who doesn't believe in gravity or whatever

If you believe in gravity, don't you understand that a flat disc is not a stable form since it is bound to collapse into a sphere because of gravity?

# ? Mar 23, 2017 15:34

Indolent Bastard: Oct 26, 2007; I WON THIS AMAZING AVATAR! I'M A WINNER! WOOOOO!

RCarr posted:

You hosed a stripper without a condom? Come on man.

You hosed any random bit of rear end (male or female) without a condom?

# ? Mar 23, 2017 15:46

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

loquacius posted:

My bachelor party was mostly just my cousin getting me stoned out of my gourd on Colorado weed and having a barbecue with the groomsmen

This is pretty standard, right? I mean, I know some people have sexually explicit bachelor/bachelorette parties, but most couples don't? Or am I being naive?

I also got trashed and ate meat at my party. It was fun. I lost 20 bucks playing hearts.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 15:48

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

It's everyone else's fault except the guy who rawdogged three strangers the day before his wedding, feminists ruin everything!!

# ? Mar 23, 2017 15:54

ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

H.H posted:

If you believe in gravity, don't you understand that a flat disc is not a stable form since it is bound to collapse into a sphere because of gravity?

explain dinner plates then. checkmate, science bitch. where's your precious copernicus now

# ? Mar 23, 2017 15:54

Mr. F!: Sep 21, 2016

areyoucontagious posted:

This is pretty standard, right? I mean, I know some people have sexually explicit bachelor/bachelorette parties, but most couples don't? Or am I being naive?

I also got trashed and ate meat at my party. It was fun. I lost 20 bucks playing hearts.

Nah only degenerates have sex parties at their bachelor party.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 16:33

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

loquacius posted:

dead parents goon

The most unbelievable part of this is that a 15 year old posts on SA.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 16:41

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Apparently a large number of NBA players believe the earth is flat.

This is vacuous conspiracist thinking. Who benefits from hiding the "truth" that the earth is really flat? What do they gain by lying to you about it? How does credible evidence not leak out?

If the planets were flat, wouldn't we see their sides at they orbit the earth? Or do all planets always face the earth full on. If the moon was flat, how do you explain the waxing and waning crescent 🌙? Go ahead, grab a light source and a flat plate, see if you can reproduce it. Please update us with your findings.

The rotation of the earth is easily provable and measurable with a Foucault pendulum, and sampling it at various points along the surface will easily prove a spherical geometry.

So, in conclusion, don't be an idiot.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 17:23

Space Camp fuckup: Aug 2, 2003

A big part of the flat earth belief stuff is rooted in religion but it takes a while to tease that nugget out of the proponents. Argue with one long enough and it'll always come down to that.

Basically it's an unwinnable argument. It's all based on faith.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 17:31

Theotus: Nov 8, 2014

Space Camp fuckup posted:

A big part of the flat earth belief stuff is rooted in religion but it takes a while to tease that nugget out of the proponents. Argue with one long enough and it'll always come down to that.

Basically it's an unwinnable argument. It's all based on faith.

But you can see videos of the earth from the space station. How is it even an argument?

# ? Mar 23, 2017 17:35

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

That flat earth guy has never looked through a telescope apparently. I mean yeah technically what you see is a 2D image, but you can see curvature in other planets like Jupiter etc even with a basic 8 inch telescope.

You can easily tell when to stop taking someone seriously when they start talking about "balls" instead of sphere or spheroids. The tests are so basic to prove that the earth isn't flat that it takes willful ignorance to not believe them and therefore you aren't worth the time it would take to try to educate you. Like the goon above me said there's no winning. No matter what point of theirs you refute there will be an infinite string of "but what about ____"s after.

# ? Mar 23, 2017 17:37

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Meridian posted:

But you can see videos of the earth from the space station. How is it even an argument?

Big deal, I've got video of some brave crusaders for truth climbing the giant wall in Antarctica after evading NASA's shock troops :smug:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sk_COkP6bt4&t=243s

# ? Mar 23, 2017 17:38

Space Camp fuckup: Aug 2, 2003

Meridian posted:

But you can see videos of the earth from the space station. How is it even an argument?

They say it's an illusion from the way the windows are shaped (really) or completely made up

# ? Mar 23, 2017 17:38

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# ? May 25, 2024 15:13

Clockwerk: Apr 6, 2005

They're faked videos. Your faith in science is misplaced

# ? Mar 23, 2017 17:39

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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