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[quote="deep dish peat moss" post="531432170"] I'm on like the 3rd or 4th consecutive day of constant low-level anxiety that prevents me from doing anything before the sun goes down and I'm basically just pacing around and smoking too many cigarettes and staring off into space and feeling like I want to throw up  [/quote if this helps at all I've felt this way a lot of the time for most of my life now and I'm here and you're here and you got this and we're gonna get through this
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Apr 26, 2023 01:33
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Thanks  I'm just extremely bummed out I guess, because I have nothing going on and no people in my life, which is causing me so much anxiety and depression that I can't really function, but I have no insurance and don't make enough money to take care of my mental health, or to be social. And I can't find a job in part because depression and anxiety keep getting in the way. It's a dumb cycle that doesn't seem to have an end and my cats are the only thing keeping me going  at least they're pretty great.
deep dish peat moss fucked around with this message at 04:23 on Apr 26, 2023 |
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Apr 26, 2023 04:19
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Thinking about it, I've pretty much spent the last 3+ years paralyzed by daily anxiety and depression and unable to do anything at all except occasionally draw, lmao |
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Apr 26, 2023 04:22
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ok, I at least feel fine once the sun goes down, and eventually I'll find a job with benefits because I am applying for all of them |
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Apr 26, 2023 06:53
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visiting a doctor with mental intention tomorrow; at the beginning of the month it was just a regular checkup. i'm hoping with the short (apparently?) amount of time there i can get as much out as i can (there will probably be actual therapy later, I'm just excited to tell a doctor). i'm very much ready for the unmedicated life to end, but if I don't walk out of their pharmacy w/ anything, I will gladly just have more info
MAP20 Gotcha! fucked around with this message at 08:38 on May 1, 2023
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Apr 30, 2023 19:46
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I broke up with someone today (only a few dates in not a big thing) because they never said anything positive about me or vocalized that they wanted me around or liked being around me, which on one hand I feel good about because it was a mature decision to do what's best for me and get away from an environment that will remind me of bad times, but on the other hand I feel extremely badly about because it turns out they really liked me and just didn't know how to communicate about it and I hurt them a lot more than expected by breaking up with them. But it was for the best for other reasons too and even though I feel badly about it, at least the anxiety is gone.  e: It's weird how much easier it is to handle "I feel badly about hurting someone's feelings" than it is to handle "I feel terrible and I don't know why", like at least there's a reason I can reflect upon and recognize that I'm not the one hurting the most in this exchange, I guess. Which also feels weird b/c I'm used to being the one who hurts the most because I am too afraid of hurting peoples' feelings and would historically let myself feel badly in order to stop them from feeling badly. But also there's a weird paradox where I feel guilty about being proud that I put my own feelings before someone else's this time. deep dish peat moss fucked around with this message at 03:31 on May 1, 2023 |
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May 1, 2023 03:09
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MAP20 Gotcha! posted:visiting a doctor with mental intention tomorrow; at the beginning of the month it was just a regular checkup. i'm hoping with the short (apparently?) amount of time there i can get as much out as i can (there will probably be actual therapy later, I'm just excited to tell a doctor). i'm very much ready for the unmedicated life to end, but if I don't walk out of their pharmacy w/ anything, I will probably just have more info good luck map20!!! Even if you don't get medication hopefully they will at least give you some useful insight. |
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May 1, 2023 03:13
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deep dish peat moss posted:I broke up with someone today (only a few dates in not a big thing) because they never said anything positive about me or vocalized that they wanted me around or liked being around me, which on one hand I feel good about because it was a mature decision to do what's best for me and get away from an environment that will remind me of bad times, but on the other hand I feel extremely badly about because it turns out they really liked me and just didn't know how to communicate about it and I hurt them a lot more than expected by breaking up with them. But it was for the best for other reasons too and even though I feel badly about it, at least the anxiety is gone. Fwiw I'm a hyperresponsible, guilt stricken person who takes on way more than they should. Like someone could hit me with their car and I'd probably apologise for damaging the paintwork lol So I hear you goon, don't feel bad about looking after yourself!
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May 1, 2023 08:26
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MAP20 Gotcha! posted:visiting a doctor with mental intention tomorrow; at the beginning of the month it was just a regular checkup. i'm hoping with the short (apparently?) amount of time there i can get as much out as i can (there will probably be actual therapy later, I'm just excited to tell a doctor). i'm very much ready for the unmedicated life to end, but if I don't walk out of their pharmacy w/ anything, I will gladly just have more info sending you good thoughts friend, hoping they're able to help with more info, medication and therapy down the track - basically anything that is of value to you. and good on you for taking the step to reach out!  deep dish peat moss posted:
i hear you on this one too, if it's any consolation i think you did the right thing because a relationship in which your feelings don't count is not a stable basis to move ahead on - eventually it would have come to a head later on and caused more hurt for you both. i know that probably doesn't make it any easier but i am sending you good thoughts and think you should be proud of yourself for doing a difficult but necessary thing to care for yourself. also sending good thoughts to the other party, hope you both feel better.  Chewbecca posted:Fwiw I'm a hyperresponsible, guilt stricken person who takes on way more than they should. Like someone could hit me with their car and I'd probably apologise for damaging the paintwork lol i think this is a problem that a lot of empathic, good people face on some level. even though it can be an embuggerance i'd would much rather be around people who care too much about other people than the reverse. though, please, try to go easy on my friend Chewbecca (and my friend ddpm respectively!) because you are (both) awesome and it really is okay to think of yourself too!! and for anyone who is having a tough time of things out there, please know that things can get better - i went through some rubbish years recently but am slowly getting back on my feet and feeling a lot better about life. it's taken time and i've still got more work to do but i hope the same will be true for all of you in time, sending you all good thoughts and much love 
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May 1, 2023 09:09
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Things haven't improved. Job hunting is a drag. Blocked my ex so I don't do something stupid like be mean to him or something stupider like forgiving him. Talking with my friends isn't helping. I just feel like an alien. Everyone tells me I haven't been myself and I know they're right but I'm so burnt out. |
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May 5, 2023 04:32
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Ominous Jazz posted:Things haven't improved. Job hunting is a drag. Blocked my ex so I don't do something stupid like be mean to him or something stupider like forgiving him. Talking with my friends isn't helping. I just feel like an alien. Everyone tells me I haven't been myself and I know they're right but I'm so burnt out. yeah that sounds exhausting. definitely smart to block ex to preempt understandable but regrettable impulses (he says from bitter experience lol) hope things get better for you soon and sending good thoughts your way |
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May 5, 2023 04:42
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Stoner Sloth posted:hope things get better for you soon and sending good thoughts your way everyone is saying it's bound to change soon but |
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May 5, 2023 04:42
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Ominous Jazz posted:everyone is saying it's bound to change soon but sorry it's dragging on for you
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May 5, 2023 06:13
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mother in law's in the ICU and she's actually a cool-rear end MIL so it sucks lol we would be homeless if not for her generosity ain't looking too good This is just one more thing on top of what feels like a neverending cascade of bullshit Tired of being permanently broke and everything else being broke, broken rear end cars, I got a broken car here and a broke car a state away, broken fuckin teeth falling apart like glass, everyone's worn the gently caress out and there's nothin on the horizon and hasn't been for a long time and I'm not looking too often anymore Everything feels like it's already peaked somewhere in the past and the peak was amongst all the other garbage and we're just in for a slow deterioration And I am so tired of people I want to be in a forest or mountain where nobody is and there's no trace of humans and I don't hear any planes or road noise and the only sound is tinnitus and the wind I'll continue dragging myself through until whatever happens though cause the alternative is wack as gently caress but still. The universe can kiss my fuckin rear end with its tongue out and go rot in a heap
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May 7, 2023 07:11
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i have been having some health issues and it's made me frown and be grumpy for a month. my mental health is okay. i did spend like half the day away from home today, and wasn't able to smoke a weed, and was reminded of why i smoke at all. i get weird and fast and intense. i was talking with my grandmother today and made a comment about how watching old home movies was weird because i was such a hyperactive little guy, and now i'm not. it's the weed. i can not interact functionally with other humans totally sober. my brain is weird and hosed up and makes connections that should not exist faster than makes sense, and being half stoned all the time allows me to not freak people out. is it better for me, or them? i don't know.
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May 12, 2023 04:41
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I quit being a teacher. I can no longer stand being part of the education system in america. I can try my best to prevent harm being done to my students, but i only have 28 students a year now. In addition, things are getting unquestionably worse for teachers and students. I'm burnt out, and even my students have recognized it and talked with me about it before. I am 32, and I have an idea for a different career, but its probably going to end up being 3+ years of education and practical work before I start working on my own. I live in monterey, California one of the least affordable places to live in the US. And its not just for housing, our healthcare and water are insanely expensive. I am stressed as hell, and I dont have any outlets that I feel comfortable with. |
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May 15, 2023 22:16
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the unabonger posted:I quit being a teacher. I can no longer stand being part of the education system in america. I can try my best to prevent harm being done to my students, but i only have 28 students a year now. In addition, things are getting unquestionably worse for teachers and students. I'm burnt out, and even my students have recognized it and talked with me about it before. The teaching experience in america is part of the reason my ex stopped talking about moving back. doesn't help he's trans. And i know what you mean about lacking outlets. big love bud. |
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May 15, 2023 23:20
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the unabonger posted:I quit being a teacher. I can no longer stand being part of the education system in america. I can try my best to prevent harm being done to my students, but i only have 28 students a year now. In addition, things are getting unquestionably worse for teachers and students. I'm burnt out, and even my students have recognized it and talked with me about it before. Solidarity friend, I often wonder how much longer I can stick with it as well. I love teaching but every year I've seen my students suffering more and more in ways I can't really materially address, and I feel less and less certain that teaching as an out queer person is safe or even sensible in the US. Plus with university mental health and counseling services overtaxed and woefully underfunded I've found that I've also had to increasingly juggle unpaid extra work as an ad hoc therapist, job counselor, and resource manager, which I'm not unhappy to do but it's also not what I'm trained for and it freaks me out that these kids have no other place to turn to.
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May 16, 2023 15:53
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I can also offer solidarity. I was not a teacher but that's all very similar to why I left my career - everything was getting worse for the people who I was there to help, there was nothing I could do about it, I was overloaded with extra duties that took a heavy emotional toll and just couldn't do it anymore. Everything sounds like it would be far worse for teachers. It's good that you have a plan even if it will take a whole. I didn't and still don't so I've just been floundering ever since then. Stay focused on that plan and get your education done and keep going 
deep dish peat moss fucked around with this message at 04:03 on May 17, 2023 |
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May 17, 2023 04:00
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I've been trying to find a livable job for 2 years now and I have had no luck. Job app sites these days tell you when your application gets viewed in the first place and what I've been learning is that most job postings that pay over $30k never view the applications they receive. I get lots of calls from local companies wanting to hire me for a Director level position... and then offering under $30k with no benefits. I would need a minimum of $70k to qualify for income verification to rent a studio apartment where I live. I can't afford to relocate and I'm not a big enough deal to any job that they'd offer to relocate me. I can't even just go like try to grind it out by living in my car or being homeless because I have two cats and no car (and I love these cats to death and don't even have anyone in my life I could trust rehoming them to lol, the last time I tried to rehome a cat temporarily to my family they left a door open and let it wander out and I never saw him again). And then there are other problems too like I don't think anyone I have as a reference on my resume would have much of anything good to say about me and I'm just kind of hoping that they play along and say nice things (I burned a lot of bridges at my last job and the other jobs I have people down as references from were like a decade ago and I don't have friends or family I could put down under fake names anymore or anything). And mostly I'm still riddled with too much anxiety and depression to do anything about all of that, that would take more mental effort than I have left anymore so I don't know what to do about it. I don't think I could interview well for a job even if I got an interview for something good because my brain and self esteem are pretty much non functional right now. And even free mental health services are out of reach for me right now because it's summer in arizona and I don't have a car and the heat exascerbates my health problems to the point where I can't reasonably be out in it to go to appointments. deep dish peat moss fucked around with this message at 04:15 on May 17, 2023 |
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May 17, 2023 04:12
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I just had an intake appointment with a new psych and it went well, she diagnosed me with developmental PTSD instead of ADHD which tbh feels much more accurate and I'm starting some other meds and treatment to help me out  I have high hopes because it was the first time I talked to a psychiatrist who felt like they were there for anything more than prescribing whatever meds I asked for.
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May 31, 2023 20:21
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That's great news ddpm. I know it's been rough for you but you're a trooper for continuing on as you have in the face of it all. Keep up the hard work.
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May 31, 2023 20:58
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Viginti Septem posted:That's great news ddpm. I know it's been rough for you but you're a trooper for continuing on as you have in the face of it all. Keep up the hard work. |
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Jun 1, 2023 00:11
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Viginti Septem posted:That's great news ddpm. I know it's been rough for you but you're a trooper for continuing on as you have in the face of it all. Keep up the hard work. |
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Jun 1, 2023 16:29
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Landlord is coming by for rent tonight. I'm sick to my stomach that I'm going to have to tell him I don't have rent. 😔
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Jun 1, 2023 21:09
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Viginti Septem posted:Landlord is coming by for rent tonight. I'm sick to my stomach that I'm going to have to tell him I don't have rent. 😔 don't panic orb, it's probably just gonna be a late fee at worst. it's better to try to tell them this before they actually come around, as far in advance as you can, but just be transparent and honest, that is the best you can do. the reality will likely not be as bad as your imagination! ---------------- |
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Jun 1, 2023 22:46
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still need my next refill, but I've experienced a bottle's worth of Lexapro now and I'm really happy to say my perspective is starting to shift around. I still have a lot of mountains to move T_T but not getting hung up and being in a planning headspace sooner is really, really, really nice. Financial woes are kind of tying me back from being explosively happy but less of the depression and anxiety that were blanketing me is all I could really ask for.
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Jun 2, 2023 00:22
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Just met with the landlord and told him I didn't have rent. He was not happy. I have two interviews next week, back into restaurant work 😞.
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Jun 3, 2023 15:15
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Viginti Septem posted:Just met with the landlord and told him I didn't have rent. He was not happy. I have two interviews next week, back into restaurant work 😞. maybe you have already, idk, but just in case you haven't check this out: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=4027242 you deserve help, orb, please do these goons the favor of trusting them enough to ask for it! ---------------- |
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Jun 3, 2023 17:15
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teemolover42069 posted:maybe you have already, idk, but just in case you haven't check this out: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=4027242 It appears their latest post from yesterday is that the fund is tapped out. https://i.imgur.com/9jTkSUL.mp4 |
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Jun 3, 2023 17:29
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Viginti Septem posted:It appears their latest post from yesterday is that the fund is tapped out. shoot, I was actually about to send them a request. I basically have my rent situation figured out going forward, but I spent most of May making sure my roommate was fed and filling other requests for my roommates. poo poo that's hard to say no to, cause like, yeah, I want hot food for the physical labor I do and I want other people to have things they need quick. I do this at my job so I kind of end up a professional people pleaser? It's fine at work; but it's a lot more devastating when I'm at home sitting dead in the head and I'm unsure how to drive myself and my happiness but I will leave immediately if somebody needs me to go to the store. It's a cycle I don't see going away, but at least after I work out my new plan, I will worry dramatically less about making it to the end of the month. I just kind of have to be honest to my roommates about coming short and for some reason I'd rather let myself imagine how bad the conversation and aftermath will be
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Jun 3, 2023 19:06
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MAP20 Gotcha! posted:I just kind of have to be honest to my roommates about coming short and for some reason I'd rather let myself imagine how bad the conversation and aftermath will be didn't wait too long to do this, things will be fine for now and it was way easier to blow it out of proportion before just taking a deep breath and doing it lol. besides my plan to make things better resonated well and I think things will trend upward from here
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Jun 3, 2023 21:06
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Hey guys, new to this thread, currently I've been diagnosed with: Atypical Psicopathy, Sociopathy and Esquizofrenia (I don't know how to spell it in English, sorry). I'm taking my meds but like 3 or 4 times in a week I have a psycotic attack which leads me to talk with myself like I'm talking with another person, and it usually lasts like 17 minutes. The worst thing about this is the drat risperidone, it has removed all the good feelings from my life. Now it is like a noir movie. If anybody else is curious about this please let me know! |
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Jun 12, 2023 17:15
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the gas station is all out of horny goat weed and the horniest goat competition is tomorrow im so hosed
slumpy |
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Jun 12, 2023 19:25
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Billa posted:Hey guys, new to this thread, currently I've been diagnosed with: Atypical Psicopathy, Sociopathy and Esquizofrenia (I don't know how to spell it in English, sorry). I'm taking my meds but like 3 or 4 times in a week I have a psycotic attack which leads me to talk with myself like I'm talking with another person, and it usually lasts like 17 minutes. The worst thing about this is the drat risperidone, it has removed all the good feelings from my life. Now it is like a noir movie. Psychopathy, sociopathy and schizophrenia. That seems like quite the load of things to take on at one one time! How are you managing day to day? I'd love to hear about your experience. https://i.imgur.com/9jTkSUL.mp4 |
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Jun 12, 2023 20:20
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Billa posted:Hey guys, new to this thread, currently I've been diagnosed with: Atypical Psicopathy, Sociopathy and Esquizofrenia (I don't know how to spell it in English, sorry). I'm taking my meds but like 3 or 4 times in a week I have a psycotic attack which leads me to talk with myself like I'm talking with another person, and it usually lasts like 17 minutes. The worst thing about this is the drat risperidone, it has removed all the good feelings from my life. Now it is like a noir movie. Sorry to hear. And as someone in medicine who has routinely prescribed antipsychotic medications I feel bad that we sometimes can't offer something both effective and without terrible side effects. |
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Jun 12, 2023 20:41
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Viginti Septem posted:Psychopathy, sociopathy and schizophrenia. That seems like quite the load of things to take on at one one time! How are you managing day to day? I'd love to hear about your experience. Well, my day to day to be frank is a shitshow. I have a bipolar mother which I have to deal with because im phisically dependant coz of my Parkison (there are things that I'm not able to do, like cooking), so for starters it aint easy on that point. Now comes the pain in my leg, I have it since 15 years because of a botched surgery that damaged the main nerve in my right leg, so now I have a neuropathy which produces pain 7/24. Thats where the neuroestimulator and the morphine comes in. Together they remove like 80% of the pain, but I have to live with a 20% which is a considerable ammount considering the type of damage I have. The first thing I do is take my morning pills (Risperidone, Sertraline, Naproxeno and Zonisamide for Parkinson). After that I usually go for coffee to a cafeteria with very little people and noise, as these two seem to trigger my psychotic attacks. Then I go to the groceries store and do some other stuff (usually when they open because that way there is no people so less risk of attacks), go home and chill in BYOB for a while until lunch time, thats when I take the other first dose of morphine (60 mg) for the pain. I take a nap for an hour and watch a movie then stay on the computer another while until 19:00 Spanish Time, then I have dinner, shower and stuff like that. At 20:30 is time for the heavy meds (2x Risperidone, 2x Robaxin, 2x Alprazolam, Deprax, Zonisamide and another shot of morphine). I watch another movie and in a couple of hours I usually fall asleep until 09:00 next day. Which consist of the same poo poo, except for Tuesdays, which I have psychotheraphy because apparently I'm totally loving crazy. The point is, stay outside the less ammount of time possible, have very little contact with people irl and avoid loud noises at all costs. Those usually trigger the attacks, also when I'm alone the voices starts whispering or screaming, depending on the day, and each attack lasts like 17 minutes aproximately in which I talk with myself like im talking with another person. I think that's all. PS: I can't have a job for poo poo because of my null capacity for concentration and the psychosis. So I live by a pay that the country gives me every month. |
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Jun 13, 2023 13:23
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Wow, that's some heavy stuff you have to deal with! Are you a fan of the scheduled nature of your days? Aside from movies, do you have any hobbies that you enjoy?
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Jun 13, 2023 13:52
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Viginti Septem posted:Wow, that's some heavy stuff you have to deal with! Are you a fan of the scheduled nature of your days? Aside from movies, do you have any hobbies that you enjoy? Not actually, I sit and play some WoW on EU a couple of hours and read books in my kindle. Besides that theres nothing, funny thing is, I'd give my healthy leg for people from BYOB than from people that I've known for a long time. It's just I'm not made to have relationships with anyone. |
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Jun 13, 2023 15:59
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Billa posted:Not actually, I sit and play some WoW on EU a couple of hours and read books in my kindle. Besides that theres nothing, funny thing is, I'd give my healthy leg for people from BYOB than from people that I've known for a long time. It's just I'm not made to have relationships with anyone. Maybe, or you just haven't found the right people irl yet. Byob is a cauldron of people who don't fit into normal society the "right" way (whatever that means). Ever thought about starting a YouTube channel or Twitch stream or similar? I feel like there's something that everyone has within them that others want to know about. https://i.imgur.com/9jTkSUL.mp4 |
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Jun 13, 2023 16:41
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