Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

«‹›572 »

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Tiberius Thyben posted:

So what you are saying is that it makes you a moron.

Being a really dumb idiot is kind of my thing.

# ? May 7, 2017 05:53

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 26, 2024 14:51

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

Solice Kirsk posted:

Keep your head up, make eye contact, and don't look like you're lost or scared and you'll probably never get mugged.

This is true most places, yes.

yeah I eat rear end posted:

Being a really dumb idiot is kind of my thing.

Aw poo poo dude, sorry I stole your gimmick.

# ? May 7, 2017 11:40

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

So is the CC pulling a writer's strike or something

# ? May 7, 2017 16:01

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

Sjs00 posted:

So is the CC pulling a writer's strike or something

Good

# ? May 7, 2017 16:36

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Alright, here it goes.

Since about 2013, I've been paying a local massage therapist to wrap me from head to foot in plastic wrap. I have a mummification fetish, and it's a really hard itch to scratch. I really can't explain why I'm like this, but it's been around all of my adult life. I can still function as a normal, sexually active adult, but being wrapped up and immobile just drives me wild. Also, there's this other aspect of it, a sort of floating, disassociative feeling that transcends the sexual aspect of it. I've been married for almost 19 years, and it took about ten years for me to finally get up the courage to tell my wife about it. While I felt happy to finally get this huge, obsessive secret off my chest, she was less than enthusiastic. I was able to talk her into wrapping me up in plastic a few times, but by and large it's just not something she's comfortable with. From my perspective it makes no sense, since as far as fetishes go it's fairly mild. Also, you'd think she'd like the alone time, since I'd be wrapped up and just left alone. As far as fetishes go, it's pretty low maintenance...

At any rate, being that she's not into doing it and also having two teenagers in the house, there's no hope for me to have this done at home anytime soon. I'd heard of people going to Backpage and finding a dominatrix to do stuff like this, so I went down that rabbit hole to see where it goes. The rural California ag town that I live in is nestled between SF and LA, Where you can find literally any type and specialty of escort, dominatrix, trans escort etc. In my area however, there were two doms and they wanted too much money for me to just lie there motionless. It wasn't a matter of money, I can afford the 200/hr rate most of them charge. It's just that I'm not into the whole submissive game. I want one very specific thing, and I don't need some uppity college-age escort to spank me every time I don't call her "mistress".

So, I just ended up cold emailing some of the more questionable massage therapists in the backpage listings. Since most of them are kinda low rent or uneducated, there was a lot of push back or outright confusion. Apparently, if you don't want a straight hand job and a massage they don't want anything to do with you. I ended up by chance emailing a legit therapeutic massage therapist whom was also into BDSM on the down low, and she was more than happy to cater to my needs. I showed up, and she wrapped me from head to foot in the black pallet wrap that I had brought, she then wrapped me to her massage table. It was awesome. The experience itself was great, but it was also the fact that I wan't being judged by her for this weird thing that I was into.The few times that my wife did it, she made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. I didn't feel that way with the massage therapist, she was super cool about it.

Ever since then, I make an appointment with her about every three months. Nothing sexual goes on, since she's an actual massage therapist and not a rub and tug "massage therapist". In fact, I'm always in my underwear. She just wraps me in plastic and does household chores while I'm there. I can't move at all, and the feeling of being trapped and not able to escape allows my brain to finally relax. I kind of drift off to a different place when I'm wrapped up. It's hard to describe, but I've found that it's something I've been missing my whole life.

Naturally, I haven't told my wife any of this. Since my early forays into this fetish were more sexual, I'd be afraid to tell her now, since she'd assume that that's what was going on when in fact it isn't. Is this cheating? I don't know. I just know that being mummified is something that I need. I don't know what this will do to our relationship if she were to find out. I hope she never does.

Well, thanks for reading!

quote:

Twice now my drunk brother has phoned me up in the middle of the night asking me to delete the dick pics he's sent to my dad's phone.

yikes

# ? May 8, 2017 00:47

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

good luck goon, one day you might be able to stay wrapped up forevorially

# ? May 8, 2017 01:05

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

SniperWoreConverse posted:

good luck goon, one day you might be able to stay wrapped up forevorially

Beat me to it :argh:

Mummy goon, how would you feel about your tongue being transformed into bologna? (The recognised scientific term is delitized)

# ? May 8, 2017 01:10

SatansOnion: Dec 12, 2011

quote:

Twice now my drunk brother has phoned me up in the middle of the night asking me to delete the dick pics he's sent to my dad's phone.

Your brother owes you now, and I hope you know that

I'm not exactly sure what making misdirected wang photos disappear discreetly should cost, mind you, but he is most definitely in your debt imo

# ? May 8, 2017 01:16

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

You do you mummy goon. I don't see the problem here. It's actually less physical than getting a massage every three months. If the wife is fine with that then there's no need to tell her instead of a massage you're being wrapped up in plastic.

You have no idea how hard it was to type this and not slip in a "mummy issues" joke.

# ? May 8, 2017 01:21

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

SatansOnion posted:

Your brother owes you now, and I hope you know that

I'm not exactly sure what making misdirected wang photos disappear discreetly should cost, mind you, but he is most definitely in your debt imo

Incest chat returns to the anon confession thread

# ? May 8, 2017 01:23

SatansOnion: Dec 12, 2011

Solice Kirsk posted:

...
You have no idea how hard it was to type this and not slip in a "mummy issues" joke.

We all appreciate your restraint.

# ? May 8, 2017 01:23

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

I guess you could say that when mummygoon found someone to indulge his fetish, he was wrapt.

# ? May 8, 2017 01:30

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

wrap ur rascals guys

# ? May 8, 2017 01:39

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

Wrap up the pun chain before it gets out of hand.

# ? May 8, 2017 01:58

Marius Pontmercy: Apr 2, 2007; Liberte
Egalite
Beyonce

Twin Peaks season 3 is looking interesting. Glad for the gender switch Laura Palmer.

# ? May 8, 2017 02:52

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

SatansOnion posted:

We all appreciate your restraint.

You're welcome. Not being funny on this forum is kinda my thing.

# ? May 8, 2017 02:53

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

loquacius posted:

drunk dick bro

Sweet Jesus, I hope he's your half-brother with a different dad or something. I texted my dad "I love you" once when I meant it for my girlfriend, that was harrowing enough.

# ? May 8, 2017 12:00

shut up blegum: Dec 17, 2008; --->Plastic Lawn<---

drunk dick bro, is your brother named Carl?

# ? May 8, 2017 13:14

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

KomodoWagon posted:

I texted my dad "I love you" once when I meant it for my girlfriend, that was harrowing enough.

at being embarrassed to tell your dad you love him. Sounds like a great relationship you got there, tiger.

# ? May 8, 2017 13:19

buckets of buckets: Apr 8, 2012; CHECK OUT MY AWESOME POSTS
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3681373&pagenumber=114&perpage=40#post447051278

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3681373&pagenumber=91&perpage=40#post444280066

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3818944&pagenumber=196&perpage=40#post472627338

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3788178&pagenumber=405&perpage=40#post474195694

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3831643&pagenumber=5&perpage=40#post475694634

RCarr posted:

at being embarrassed to tell your dad you love him. Sounds like a great relationship you got there, tiger.

projecting much, homo?

# ? May 8, 2017 13:47

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Piss goon here, I've connected my fondness of "water sports" to when I was younger. Sometimes I would take showers with my dad and he would pee on me like it was a game. I would do the same and thought it was ok. Oh well. I can live with it.

my first thought was "you're gonna have to be more specific than 'piss goon'"

and my second was "uh :stare:

quote:

Lately I've been getting tremendous pressure from my state political party about running for political office. I get it, on paper I'm a fairly compelling candidate. I'm a successful professional and have experience with advocacy in my field, which has been a major source of political attention in the last few years. I am intelligent, highly-educated, a veteran, a Latino, and I have been married for 20 years to my wife, with whom I am raising two young children. I have met with my state party leadership on multiple occasions at their request to talk about how I feel about running for office at the state level, with an eye on the future for Federal political office.

To their dismay, I have refused to consider their plans. I've stonewalled them so far by bringing up the fact that I would most likely be considered a carpetbagger by most voters, since we only moved to the state about 4 years ago. My family and I don't really conform to the culture of the region because we are from entirely different cultural regions of the US. I know they're going to keep asking, though, and it's going to get harder to refuse as time goes on and it becomes more clear that this is our home.

The real reason I don't want to run, though, is because I'm afraid of what opposition background research might discover about my past. I don't have any documented criminal history or convictions, but my early years were pretty sketchy and involved some fairly serious criminal activity. I left home earlier than most Americans do and to support myself, I began to supplement my work income with money from illegal cable hookups and fake IDs/insurance cards/parking passes/etc. My family was fairly well-known in the local Latino community as a resource that immigrants, legal and illegal, could turn to for assistance. After a while, many of these immigrants were referred to me in order to obtain false ID and work documents. Over time, I developed a network of contacts in the DMV, Social Security, and Vital Statistics who could, for the right price, provide essentially foolproof documentation of US citizenship.

Despite my efforts to keep a low profile, word spread through the community and I was contacted by some Catholic nuns with a request to help a woman who was on the run with her children from her abusive husband. I agreed to help them with new identification and waived my usual fees, though the nuns still had to pay for the services of my government contacts. By the time I quit that activity after several years, I had assisted about two dozen women and families fleeing domestic violence and other abusive situations.

That aspect of my life is unlikely to come out during an investigation. However, there are a few people who were present at the times where I made fake IDs for college students and other underage people or knew that I used to hook people up with illegal cable. The majority are friends I keep in contact with who I know won't rat me out, but some are ex-girlfriends who I haven't kept track of and who could possibly bear me some ill will. I can't be sure that I won't get Swiftboated by these people if I begin to get national attention, and that could lead to more thorough investigation that could reveal my other history. Aiding and abetting kidnapping are serious felony crimes that don't have a statute of limitations, so this could be incredibly dangerous for me if found out.

Less worrisome, there's also the possibility that some of my writings and art that I used to put out in my and others' 'zines could come to light, in addition to some songs I performed with my band. By today's standards, they'd barely rise out of the noise of obscenity, tastelessness, and offensiveness that can be found on the internet. To a lot of conservative voters, they'd probably be pretty scandalous and I'd certainly be somewhat embarrassed in my professional life.

I'm strongly considering moving, even though we haven't been here long, have a home, and our children are going to school here. I just can't risk telling them the truth and I can't risk them deciding to run pre-emptive opposition research on me. I want to help my party, but not at the risk of losing my family and career.

gently caress.

I don't think you have to worry that much if you're only running for local offices. They can't bring out the big guns for every city council seat, just economically speaking. What's the problem with letting your own party do it to see what would come up? I'd say talk to the guys trying to get you to run, in confidence and with as few specifics as possible, to see what they say. If they're on your side they have no reason to gently caress you over.

alternate reply: my SA posts alone would kill any run for public office I ever made

# ? May 8, 2017 13:56

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

RCarr posted:

at being embarrassed to tell your dad you love him. Sounds like a great relationship you got there, tiger.

Neither of my parents (or me) said "i love you" out loud regularly until I was in my late 20s and our relationship is fine and I never felt unloved or whatever :shrug:

Politic goon, just do what everyone else does - make a list of who knows, and bribe them to keep their mouth shut. Or just deny it and paint them as racists trying to keep a latino from getting into office or something. Or do both. Anyway I highly doubt any "aiding and abetting kidnapping" charges would stick based on what you describe, you could just say that yes you gave her illegal documents but you had no idea what her situation was.

# ? May 8, 2017 14:05

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

yeah I eat rear end posted:

Neither of my parents (or me) said "i love you" out loud regularly until I was in my late 20s and our relationship is fine and I never felt unloved or whatever

Nothing wrong with that, but would you texting your father "I love you" by accident be a HARROWING experience? That has nothing to do with saying I love you out loud regularly.

# ? May 8, 2017 14:09

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Honestly I didn't think that part would be a problem even if you did know. Helping a woman and children escape an abusive husband/father is the kind of "crime" that can be played well in the press if your team is prepared for it.

e:

RCarr posted:

Nothing wrong with that, but would you texting your father "I love you" by accident be a HARROWING experience? That has nothing to do with saying I love you out loud regularly.

Some dads are stodgy old boomers. My dad had to be scolded by my mom before he'd start hugging me at the end of visits. Accidentally texting him "I love you" out of the blue would at least be really embarrassing for me, so I guess how weird a post that was depends on how exaggerated the "harrowing" part was :shrug:

# ? May 8, 2017 14:09

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

RCarr posted:

Nothing wrong with that, but would you texting your father "I love you" by accident be a HARROWING experience? That has nothing to do with saying I love you out loud regularly.

I guess not, but it would be awkward and he'd probably ask me if I'm drunk.

# ? May 8, 2017 14:12

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

RCarr posted:

Nothing wrong with that, but would you texting your father "I love you" by accident be a HARROWING experience? That has nothing to do with saying I love you out loud regularly.

It's KomodoWagon his whole thing is that his parents hate him and can't stand his presence and he thinks this is normal and it is the only thing that makes him a Real Adult who can Take Care of Himself, and he feels sorry for the dumb babies who still want their mommy to be a positive part of their lives

# ? May 8, 2017 14:16

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I tell my parents I love them after every phone call, but I've never texted it to them. Texting it sounds weirder than saying it to me.

# ? May 8, 2017 14:23

got any sevens: Feb 9, 2013; by Cyrano4747

I'm incapable of feeling love so if I texted that someone would think i'm drunk or schitzo

# ? May 8, 2017 14:32

Tacky-Ass Rococco: Sep 7, 2010; by R. Guyovich

Reluctant politician goon, think of it this way: by running for office, you'll be carrying on the Democratic Party's proud Tammany Hall tradition. Those guys were all crooks who served their local immigrant communities too.

# ? May 8, 2017 15:01

School Nickname: Apr 23, 2010; *fffffff-fffaaaaaaarrrtt*

Plot twist, politics goon is a Republican.

# ? May 8, 2017 15:05

Tacky-Ass Rococco: Sep 7, 2010; by R. Guyovich

Seriously though, Darrel Issa is probably a serial arsonist and nobody cares, and he's made a ton of headlines over the years. The former Speaker of the House molested kids and it didn't come out until a decade after he retired. Donald Trump is currently president of the United States of America. Literally nothing matters anymore.

# ? May 8, 2017 15:24

shut up blegum: Dec 17, 2008; --->Plastic Lawn<---

got any sevens posted:

I'm incapable of feeling love so if I texted that someone would think i'm drunk or schitzo

Why not both?

# ? May 8, 2017 15:34

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Tacky-rear end Rococco posted:

Seriously though, Darrel Issa is probably a serial arsonist and nobody cares, and he's made a ton of headlines over the years. The former Speaker of the House molested kids and it didn't come out until a decade after he retired. Donald Trump is currently president of the United States of America. Literally nothing matters anymore.

The secret is not to apologize for poo poo

If you apologize for stuff, people accept that it was worth apologizing for; if you don't they might not. Trump's response to the pussy-grabbing thing basically translated to "yes, I said that, but the thing is, I don't care and I'll even go so far as to imply I still say poo poo like that all the time when the cameras are off." Boom, no more October surprise.

# ? May 8, 2017 15:36

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

If my dad said he loved me i would ask him if he was OK and if he's had any harmful thoughts on himself

Basically if it isn't a dad joke seek a doctor

# ? May 8, 2017 15:48

ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

Tacky-rear end Rococco posted:

Seriously though, Darrel Issa is probably a serial arsonist and nobody cares, and he's made a ton of headlines over the years. The former Speaker of the House molested kids and it didn't come out until a decade after he retired. Donald Trump is currently president of the United States of America. Literally nothing matters anymore.

Those people are all republicans though. Things only matter if you're a democrat.

# ? May 8, 2017 16:08

Rockman Reserve: Oct 2, 2007; "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

alpaca diseases posted:

Oh hey Carl

uh what ?

# ? May 8, 2017 16:16

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

ReidRansom posted:

Those people are all republicans though. Things only matter if you're a democrat.

Things matter to independents if you're a Democratic politician; registered Dems still get really mad at you if you attempt to criticize a Democratic politician in their hearing for any reason. Independents def don't care about anything a Republican does though. I think the no-apologizing thing has something to do with it.

Registered Republicans absolutely renounce any and all internal ideological consistency in favor of party politics when judging the actions of politicians tho, no question and that's not new either

# ? May 8, 2017 16:20

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

I love politics chat!

# ? May 8, 2017 16:22

Axolotl: Jan 23, 2002; Whatever

Solice Kirsk posted:

I tell my parents I love them after every phone call, but I've never texted it to them. Texting it sounds weirder than saying it to me.

I feel that if you text " I love you" to someone, that is like a written contract of affection that is in force until rescinded or amended by subsequent texts. That's why I prefer the verbal communication, in that they can only be sure that you love them at the time you said it and that such declarations do not necessarily persist over time unless continually renewed with further verbal affirmations. Keeps them on their toes and ensures that your affections are not taken for granted.

# ? May 8, 2017 17:43

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 26, 2024 14:51

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Axolotl posted:

I feel that if you text " I love you" to someone, that is like a written contract of affection that is in force until rescinded or amended by subsequent texts. That's why I prefer the verbal communication, in that they can only be sure that you love them at the time you said it and that such declarations do not necessarily persist over time unless continually renewed with further verbal affirmations. Keeps them on their toes and ensures that your affections are not taken for granted.

See, this guy gets it.

# ? May 8, 2017 18:12

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

«‹›572 »