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Last Saturday I woke up at like 2:30 AM with bad heartburn and my stomach roiling. So I spent a half hour sitting on the floor of the bathroom by the toilet, just waiting to see what station this train was gonna leave from. It finally chose so I spent another half hour on the toilet, this time shooting out a torrent of poo poo. All the while my dog was going berserk outside the bathroom because he heard the stream of poo poo water blasting the toilet and thought I was peeing which to him translates to "I get to go outside now!" I woke up on Sunday and felt great though, like better than ever. So all in all A++ work catch whatever the hell that was again.
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Jul 1, 2016 18:34
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| # ? Jun 9, 2024 13:55 |
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I've overextended myself on credit and am now owned by my own possessions. A truly F'd up situation IMO
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Jul 1, 2016 19:51
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vols bitch posted:cop: step out of the car sir only top tier posters read this in javier bardem's voice or alternatively whatever voice your mind chose when reading the book
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Jul 1, 2016 20:19
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I had some really bad stomach stuff happening and the toilet was clogged and I had no plunger. Had to drive 10 minutes to home depot and came so close to making GBS threads my pants while driving. My rear end has never hurt like that before.
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Jul 1, 2016 20:22
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had unprotected sex with a psycho rear end girl who turned out to be bipolar she shoplifted a pregnancy test to check negative thank loving GOD
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Jul 1, 2016 20:26
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poo poo in a target bathroom but they were out of toilet paper so I had to wipe using a ten dollar bill.
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Jul 1, 2016 20:34
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When I was like 10 I got majorly bad shits at a huge bus terminal, ran away from my parents for a bathroom, and ended up making GBS threads in a stall with no TP. Had to wait for someone else to come in the bathroom and ask them to toss me a roll under the stall. Thank gently caress it wasn't one of those TP dispensers you need a key to get into. Finally I walk out of the bathroom after that fun experience, only for a security guard to recognize me and start yelling at me about how my parents can't find me, and they're freaking out and called security, etc. Not a fun day. Also I still had the shits and let me tell you, taking a piss in the bathroom of a bus is one thing, but taking a poo poo while it's driving over a bumpy dirt road? Not fun.
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Jul 1, 2016 20:42
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Some of the cookies in this bag of cookies are broken.. please upvote my change.org petition
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Jul 1, 2016 20:46
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dying if aids in a swamp
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Jul 1, 2016 21:21
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I got chlamydia once due to my whorish ways the pills they gave me hosed my stomach up to the point I couldn't get out of bed it sucked
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Jul 1, 2016 22:01
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In the ninth grade, a doctor diagnosed me with chlamydia and I got in a ton of trouble for getting an STD and my parents demanded to know who I got it from and who I had been sleeping with. Poor little virgin me, pleading with them. Finally they took me to a different doctor who was like "wtf no this is a healthy penis" because I did not have chlamydia and my penis had no sign of it.
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Jul 1, 2016 22:07
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So how exactly did you get diagnosed, were you sick or something? Because chlamydia-infected dick vs healthy dick seems like it'd be pretty easy to differentiate.
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Jul 1, 2016 22:23
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drunk asian neighbor posted:So how exactly did you get diagnosed, were you sick or something? Because chlamydia-infected dick vs healthy dick seems like it'd be pretty easy to differentiate. I had to get a physical for freshman football and after examining my dick, he casually told me that I had chlamydia, wrote it down, and told my mom. He didn't prescribe anything for it. He also diagnosed me with severe acne but that was bullshit. I had mild acne that wasn't even close to medication worthy but he prescribed me this cream and warned me that it would turn my face red if I put it on too much skin.
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Jul 1, 2016 22:31
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your mom's vagina LOL
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Jul 1, 2016 22:48
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your mom's vagina is a terrible situation that I was in OP
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Jul 1, 2016 22:48
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I had sexual intercourse with your mom, and she has a terrible situation for a vagina, which I had sex with
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Jul 1, 2016 22:49
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blackout drunk mom on the side of the road with the car in park and her foot on the gas
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Jul 1, 2016 23:06
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I do part-time repo as one of my trades. I live in the butt crack of South Florida and the job was to go get back an F-350 from the panhandle of North Florida. Longest drive ive ever done personally. Nothing but cigarettes energy drinks and my partner's conversation to keep me awake. Early in the morning around 2 or 3 a.m. I'm about halfway to the destination doing nearly 100 on the turnpike and I got pulled over. The ticket that cop gave me cost me all of the profit from the job I was on before I even finished it as well as half the profit from my next job.
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Jul 1, 2016 23:14
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Crash_N_Burn posted:I do part-time repo as one of my trades. I live in the butt crack of South Florida and the job was to go get back an F-350 from the panhandle of North Florida. Longest drive ive ever done personally. Nothing but cigarettes energy drinks and my partner's conversation to keep me awake. Early in the morning around 2 or 3 a.m. I'm about halfway to the destination doing nearly 100 on the turnpike and I got pulled over. I did repo work out of MA for a while, until the company owner changed the rules and made us pay for our own gas etc. Basically if I drove more than a 90-mile round trip and the car wasn't there, I might as well have cut my losses and given up on it right there, because I would need to be 100% sure it was there the 2nd time, just to break even for gas money. A 3rd trip would have been a guaranteed loss of money for me. gently caress that.
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Jul 1, 2016 23:18
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Went on an OkCupid date one afternoon with some dork who was kind of boring but feeding me huge amounts of liquor. A 'quick drink' turned into an all afternoon and evening ketamine and bourbon fuelled tour of dive bars followed by me shoving him into a taxi then going to a club night alone where I made out with a horrible ginger man until 4am. After that I bought a really terrible kebab and went home to watch COPS and take more ketamine. I got woken up at 8am by a call from my mother asking if I was already on my way to Edinburgh, five hours away by train for New Year's Eve celebrations so quickly vomited up my kebab, packed and left. Somehow I'd lost my train ticket so paid £90 for a new one, spent the next five hours wishing I was dead then had to queue for three hours to collect my street party ticket desperately needing to piss and without anything to drink. A couple of hours later I ran into my very recent ex too and then found out by text message I'd drunkenly invited my boring OKC date to my birthday party and that unfortunately he remembered the date, time and address it was being held.
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Jul 1, 2016 23:33
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I got chlamydia too guys
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Jul 1, 2016 23:48
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So I went to high school in a small town that is almost entirely Italians and I had a few friends that were a bit off. We mainly played vanilla wow and other games together. Anyway I was a quiet kid so they came to me and the friendship went from there. However 3 of the 7 of us had a habit of doodling swasticas on stuff. This was something I didn't notice until we already had been friends. One of the 3 also borrowed mein kampf from the school library and made jokes about it. This all happened in 9th grade by the way. One day when I got home from school my mom told me I had a parent teacher conference. It ended up being my mom, almost all my teachers, and I talking about how I was friends with neo Nazis and that I should distance myself from them. I kinda got blindsided by this because it never seemed like that big a deal. Kinda like they were being ironic or something with the swasticas. I just did the head nod and agree until I was out of there. I didn't stop being friends with them but I did distance from one of them and they grew out of the nazi phase pretty quick. My mom's parents fought in ww2 and she is unbalanced with mental issues so she lost her poo poo. Got screamed at forever and had everything I ever said get picked apart if it could be construed as white pride related. My mom took that I was a full fledged nazi from the meeting. It took a long rear end conversation with lots of hysterics on her part to convince her I wasn't part of the reich. Not even sure that the nazi dudes got in trouble but that meeting made my life hell for awhile.
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Jul 2, 2016 14:12
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firrup posted:So I went to high school in a small town that is almost entirely Italians and I had a few friends that were a bit off. We mainly played vanilla wow and other games together. Anyway I was a quiet kid so they came to me and the friendship went from there. However 3 of the 7 of us had a habit of doodling swasticas on stuff. This was something I didn't notice until we already had been friends. One of the 3 also borrowed mein kampf from the school library and made jokes about it. This all happened in 9th grade by the way. playing nazis is like playing pirates. its lots of fun, but you dont actually want to rape, pillage, or exterminate the jewish race.
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Jul 2, 2016 14:21
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my friend's cousin's friend's grandfather fell upstairs in their house. she asked me and my friend to come over and help him up. huge 400+ lb man dislocated his shoulder and wedged himself on his side on the ground in a doorway and he couldn't get out or up. everything about the house was stained in poo poo and the most offending poo poo odors came from the room he was presumably trying to leave before he fell. his huge also 400+ lb daughter tried to help by pouring a handle jack daniels on him. no one wanted to call 911. died the next day.
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Jul 2, 2016 14:30
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drank an entire of case of Beast Ice on my 21st birthday. spent the whole next day puking and pooping uncontrollably and the puke and the poop fumes smelled exactly like Beast Ice
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Jul 2, 2016 15:00
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For real this past may I was visiting America with my then gf (now wife) and our motel got shot up and some poor sap got loving murdered literally right in front of our room's door. The scary part is that this was apparently a totally random shooting. this was a few minutes after 4 AM. We had early flights so my plan was for us to get out of the motel about 4:30. If I had gotten up just a few minutes earlier to load our luggage into the car, it could have been me. The guy that died very possibly saved my life and my wife's by getting shot instead of us. and that's why we don't want to move to America.
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Jul 2, 2016 15:29
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several years ago my old dumb girlfriend and I were on a short hike - really just a walk considering it was like an hour and a half if that . when in front of us, maybe like 60 or 70 yards, if even, this big loving doberman pincher with a chain collar but no leash and no muzzle suddenly appears on the path. it stops in its tracks and perks up its head and is just loving staring daggers at us. The gf - I didnt know it at the time but she told me later she had instantly started looking around at trees to see which one we could climb the fastest to escape if the dog started to come at us. But me, I was loving frozen in fear, and I could tell that my eyes were so wide, my palms were sweaty, my knees felt weak and my arms got heavy, there was vomit on my sweater already, moms spaghetti
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Jul 2, 2016 15:36
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Doctor Dogballs posted:several years ago my old dumb girlfriend and I were on a short hike - really just a walk considering it was like an hour and a half if that . when in front of us, maybe like 60 or 70 yards, if even, this big loving doberman pincher with a chain collar but no leash and no muzzle suddenly appears on the path. it stops in its tracks and perks up its head and is just loving staring daggers at us. The gf - I didnt know it at the time but she told me later she had instantly started looking around at trees to see which one we could climb the fastest to escape if the dog started to come at us. But me, I was loving frozen in fear, and I could tell that my eyes were so wide, my palms were sweaty, my knees felt weak and my arms got heavy, there was vomit on my sweater already, moms spaghetti 
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Jul 2, 2016 15:38
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i was reading a thread and everyone had chlamidiya and access to queefy vaginas except me 
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Jul 2, 2016 16:00
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Doctor Dogballs posted:For real this past may I was visiting America with my then gf (now wife) and our motel got shot up and some poor sap got loving murdered literally right in front of our room's door. This is because you stayed in a motel
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Jul 2, 2016 17:19
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My mom got drunk while teaching me how to drive, called me a human being and threatened to beat me up Then she had sex with everyone in this thread 
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Jul 2, 2016 18:21
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And then-you'll never believe this guys- she queefed on me!
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Jul 2, 2016 18:25
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Coming upon a dead person in a snowstorm on copious amounts of acid.
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Jul 2, 2016 18:39
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I shut my pants during a job interview
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Jul 2, 2016 18:41
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Lesbian Bed Death posted:Coming upon a dead person in a snowstorm on copious amounts of acid. o yeah that reminds me. Having to sprint 3/4 of a mile down a hiking trail and fill a water bottle from an unfiltered stream, then sprint back up, to bring it to a friend who had collapsed of heatstroke. We were both on mushrooms.
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Jul 2, 2016 18:47
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I was laid off and got dumped by a gf and had to relocate and start over again that was hard
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Jul 2, 2016 18:59
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queefer southerland
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Jul 2, 2016 19:02
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Queef Richards
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Jul 2, 2016 19:19
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The Pelican Queef
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Jul 2, 2016 19:27
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A Queef History Of Time.
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Jul 2, 2016 19:31
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