TheLovablePlutonis posted:

op could be a quebecois tho???

Pewdiepie posted:

The French are loving depraved.

Pewdiepie posted:

Have you ever played with one... They're subhuman.

Gimbal lock posted:

Gimbal lock posted:

The stupid pics folder ain't half bad. Here's some barely quality '98 meme samples:

dirty mind test.txt posted:

1.I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Nose

2.I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.
Peanut Butter

3.I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.
A Crane

4.Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.
The Titanic

5.You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
A Tent

6.When I go in, I can produce pain. I cause you to spit, and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.
A Dentist

7.A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
A Wedding Ring

8.All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.
An Elevator

9.I go in hard. I come out soft. You like to blow me.
Chewing Gum

10.If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.
News Paper Boy

11.I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.
A Glove

12.I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
An Arrow

13.My business is done in briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.
An Attorney

creative awnsering machines.txt posted:

- Hi. Now you say something
- Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
- Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
- Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
- Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as I find it.
- I'm gone.
- Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
- You have reached 555-6238. Why?
- I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
- You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

blonds1.txt / blonds2.txt posted:

Q: Why did the blond climb over the chain linked fence
A: To see what was on the other side

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate".

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

annoy roommate 1.txt / roomate 2.txt posted:

- Continuously refer to your roommate using terms of endearment (sweetcheeks, honeybuns). Slap him/her in the face if s/he ever does the same.
- Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is gone.
- Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtilely. Gradually work your way up.
- Walk and talk backwards.
- Get a bunch of Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, They're more than meets the eye."
- Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man, "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
- Smile. All the time.
- Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
- Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it.
- Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
- Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
- Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
- Don't ever flush.
- Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
- While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

condoms1.txt posted:

Which condom would you use?
Pringles: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Secret: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Ford: The best never rest.
Chevy: Like a rock.
New York Lotto: Cause hey... you never know.
California Lotto: Who's next?
Avis: Trying harder than ever.
KFC: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola: Always the Real Thing.
Lays: Betcha can't have just one.
The Carl's Jr.: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face!
AT&T: "Reach out and touch someone."
Nissan: Enjoy the ride.
Easy-Off Kitchen: It does all the work, so you hardly have to work at all.
KFC: Everybody needs a little
Extra: Lasts longer, and longer, and longer
Wrigley's: Pure chewing satisfaction
Kraft: When the juice starts flowing, Kraft gets your noodle going!
Kreagen: Come on...let's work together!

farts!.txt posted:

Fart Analysis
Find Your True Self!

1.The Vain Person: - One who loves the smell of his own farts.
2.The Amiable Person: - One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.
3.The Proud Person: - One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.
4.The Shy Person: - One who releases silent farts and then blushes.
5.The Impudent Person: - One who farts loudly and then laughs.
6.The Scientific Person: - One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about air pollution.
7.The Unfortunate Person: - One who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead.
8.The Nervous Person: - One who stops in the middle of a fart.
9.The Honest Person: - One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.
10.The Dishonest Person: - One who farts and then blames the dog.
11.The Foolish Person: - One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
12.The Thrifty Person: - One who always has several farts in reserve.
13.The Antisocial Person: - One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
14.The Strategic Person: - One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.
15.The Sadistic Person: - One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bed covers over his bed mates head.
16.The Intellectual Person: - One who determines from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food item he consumed.
17.The Athletic Person: - One who farts at the slightest exertion.
18.The Miserable Person: - One who would truly love to but can't fart at all.
19.The Sensitive Person: - One who farts and then bursts into tears.
20.The Bruiser: - One who farts so hard and loud that he bruises his butt checks.


Farts Defined
Note: All farts are divided into two groups, yours, and somebody else's.

THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by
traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat?

THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have
snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.

THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their
butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor
may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.

THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You
enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the
same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should
not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.

THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted,
off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

THE LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud.
Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you might think? And never guess.

THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats
even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.

THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It
gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.

THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty
Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.

THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it
automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.

THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is
supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that
would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.

THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be
talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.

school excuses.txt posted:

THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN THE ALBUQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS:
- Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
- Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
- Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.
- Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
- My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
- George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
- Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
- Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.