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The Good, Old-Fashioned, Traditional Quest: Part 8: Murder Spree Oh boy, are you ready to conclude the first of the three quests? I know I sure am. Before we go any further, there are a few more items we need to go back and pick up.  Our first stop is all the way back here, in Kalibre Pass. There's a critical item here. Do you see it?  Why, it's right there, of course. Plain as day.  The ice cube melts while it's in our inventory and eventually vanishes, so if we're going to do something with it, we need to do so pretty quick. Who do we know that might want an ice cube?  Remember the elf king? He was complaining earlier that there was no way for him to cool his drink. Maybe this will do.   Wise words, young tourist, but where's a King to find ice around here? It's all right everbody, I've got some! I say! That's wonderful! What can I give you in return?If you'll remember, back when we inspected the king earlier, he was carrying around a wrench for some reason. That's what we're after here. Is that a wrench in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me? Wrench? Oh yes, the wrench I keep down my trousers... I'm sure it'll come in useful on your quest. Off you go and have fun with it. Mmm! It's nice and warm, too!Eww. Well, we got the wrench. It's going to be critical very shortly.  Our next stop is here, all the way back in the valley of Gorgons. Last time we went in that cave, we got turned to stone by the Gorgon. Well, now we have a way to address that. Remember that cop we fed a bunch of donuts? He left behind his very, very shiny mirrored sunglasses.  Here we are... as soon as we enter, the Gorgon appears to menace us.  All we have to do is quickly use the sunglasses from our inventory.    Pew pew! Hoist by her own petard, the Gorgon is turned to stone.   A wonderful statue of the Gorgon - most lifelike!Dude, you just saw the actual Gorgon get turned to stone. Anyhow, with that out of the way, we can explore her lair with impunity.  This photo album is not technically necessary for progression, but it has a surprising amount of detail in it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKNKEcUFnYY  The Gorgon and her two sisters, Mabel and Phyllis, would practice their song and dance routines in their bedroom for hours at a time. They nurtured hopes, they cherished fantasies of themselves on stage, adored by millions of sad, deluded fans. And with the help of sequined dresses, crates of makeup, and an unscrupulous bastard of a manager, their dream came true. They were... ... the Gorgon Sisters.Trivia: The real-world mythological gorgon sisters were Medusa, Euryale and Stheno. The more you know!  Alas, a sequence of bizarre tragedies struck down their career in its prime. Jealousy! Brown-Haired Sister: You've got-a the loudest voice! For some reason, one of the sisters (and only one) has a stereotypical Italian accent. Red-Haired Sister: You get all the attention! ... and the other one has what sounds like a Brooklyn Jewish accent? Gorgon: No, not me...  Scandal!Brown-Haired Sister: Your hair ate-a my pizza! Red-Haired Sister: You turned all our rock fans to stone! Gorgon: Oh no...  Artistic differences!Brown-Haired Sister: Your singing is crap! Red-Haired Sister: You look weird! Brown-Haired Sister: You're not human! Both Sisters: We're going solo! Gorgon: Nooo!  The Gorgon Sisters... were no more.That is an incredibly detailed backstory for such a minor character, I have to say.  This is what we're actually here for. A paper bag. It's an ordinary paper bag. It's also the only paper bag in the game, and it's critical to our success. It's a paper bag. I used to have a paper bag once... not that you're interested of course, oh no, you'd rather be staying in luxury in some 5 star hotel in the Bahamas, wouldn't you? But I did have a paper bag, all the same, and you can't take that away from me... because I wasn't as fortunate as you. My paper bag burned to ashes in the great fire of 73. So just you count yourself lucky, okay!?The narrator has a strange fascination with mundane objects. One last thing we need in here. See that stove in the background?  For some mystifying reason, it has that action figure in it that we heard about in the Minar Tragedy general store. It's a Kingdom O' Magic Action Figure (not available in any shops, 93 to collect) with moveable arms and legs. This one is meant to be the High Steward of Minar Tragedy... looks just like him, too!With paper bag and action figure in hand, there's just one more stop we need to make before we're ready to enact a most dastardly plan.  Back at the House of the Rising Bun, if you hang out for a while, you'll notice the Ninja Baker picking up dough from that vat back there, shoving it in the oven, and depositing the baked product in the wicker baskets on the left, there.  The Sword O' Normalness is the sword we got from the valley of the Gorgon way back when. You know, the weapon that wasn't a weapon.  Glug. Into the dough it goes.  Ta-da! We now have an item called the Suspicious French Stick. Is this a loaf of bread I see before me? Well yes, but it's got a sword baked inside it!We are ready to proceed. To the palace of Minar Tragedy we go. Now that we have our ninja bread, we just might be able to get past those heavily armed footballmen with a weapon hidden safely in plain sight.  Okay, okay, I'm halting, I'm halting. You're not carrying any weapons, are you? Oh no.  What about that? This? That. It's a loaf of bread. A packed lunch. Packing a lunch!Are you okay there, dude? I promise I won't make crumbs. Promise? I promise. Okay. Go on in.Success! The guards confiscate our other weapons, but the bread stick is all we need. This time, when we step through the palace gates, instead of getting that weird news helicopter cutscene, we find ourselves in audience with the High Steward. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kui5fE1YDCI  He looks just like the action figure! No. Your hearing is not the shortcoming that immediately comes to mind. I heard that! And don't think I don't know what you mean to imply, you rat-faced, scum-sucking vermin. Tsk... tsk... tsk... the mouth on ou. Didn't your mother teach you anything about manners? Just to put the toilet seat down... And how'd you manage to reach the rim?  He really looks just like the action figure! 1:1 scale! The set up for this joke was really bad, though. Bastard! Insult my height and you're marked for life. I might be small, but I'll bite your drat finger off, you pansy! So if you're that small, does that mean everything is teensie weensie? The last time someone made an insinuation on my manhood I burned and entire village to the ground. Oh, a weenie roast! Okay, that one was pretty good. Stop it! Stop this height-impaired name calling or I'll be forced to unleash my most lethal weapon, which will certainly tear your disgusting hide to pieces. Is that a threat on my life? You dimwit! Of course it is! Well, in that case...   Whelp. We... we sure showed him, huh.  Yeuch! The incriminating remains of the High Steward... very incriminating if you don't find some way of disposing of them!The only problem is, now we're left with quite an incriminating mess of body parts lying around. Trying to leave without doing something about that right now is... not advised.    No, that won't do. First of all, we need to do something about the body.  The paper bag from the Gorgon's cave will do. Next, we need to make it seem like the Steward is alive and well and still sitting on his throne...   Good thing we picked up that action figure, huh? With the faux-Steward safe and cozy on the throne, we're free to leave the throne room. Unfortunately neither of the doors in the back open, and we can't go up the stairs either. The only way is back out.  The guards are none the wiser. So why did we just kill the High Steward of Minar Tragedy, anyway? Well, as it turns out...   ... the High Steward's mere existence was what was blocking the palantir from working. Now that the High Steward is dead, the crystal ball works again. And look - there's Marshgast, the wizard of Rhitegard. Going to the toilet, by the looks of it. If this sounds of dubious utility, it's because we're not in the right place to exploit that fact.  This is where we need to be. First, we'll have another good look through the palantir - you have to do it while you're at the bottom of the tower for this to work. With Marshgast on the john, this is the perfect opportunity to tamper with the plumbing. Good thing we picked up that warm, moist wrench from the elf king, right?     And with that, Marshgast is sent hurtling through what looks to be the wall, for some reason. Now that we've added "hassling the elderly" to our growing rap sheet, we can ascend the tower in safety.  Yes, that thing on the left is a lightsaber (called the Sabre O' Light). We can pick it up, and it's actually one of the strongest weapons in the game. We're done fighting, though, so there's not a whole lot of point to it. What we want is that exit on the right.  Another filler location. The only thing to look at here is the windsock there. A windsock? On a helipad? Yes, it is a bit confusing, but the reasons for this will become clear when you buy Kingdom O' Magic 2, available eventually from SCi!Needless to say, this game did not have a sequel.  Here we are at last, out on the helipad proper. And that's a sheep. It's a sheep. Don't even think about it!Why is there a sheep up on the helipad? I have no earthly idea, but it is the thing all this has been for. The sheet, the barrows, the wedding, the paper shredding hamster, palantir, sword and bread and regicide... all of it. This sheep is the key to finishing our quest. We'll stash it in our inventory along with all the other junk.  Our next stop is all the way back in Flake Town. Remember the hair salon?  Time to get shearin'. I bet you like sheep, don't you? Why? Because you can channel all of your negative emotions into a classic cut, a titanic trim, a comb-and-scissors epic! It might just be possible... Here's a sheep. Shear your way to stardom! I wonder why he ran off like that...No, we don't get a cutscene of the sheep running off. Probably anxious to show off his new style. I expect so. Whew! That was tiring... We got this suspiciously red ball of yarn for our troubles. Wool! The key ingredient in every knitted garment, wool is quite different to body fluff, which is rarely used to make cardigans.Eww. Now to put the wool to good use. Who might be able to make something out of this fine yarn?  Granny over there, perhaps?   There's not quite enough for a new grandson, but... But here's a nice set of thermal underthings. May they bring you great happiness. What can I say? I'm thrilled. XS was an FPS released by SCi in 1995. It was not particularly remarkable, even at the time. It didn't get a sequel either.  Apparently the woolen garment is more fit for an elf than a... green frog-lizard thing, whatever Thidney is. So let's go find an elf.  Any random elf works.  This guy is really excited about underpants! What are you talking about? Pray forgive me, the magnitude of your gift caused my mind to wander, but I'm much better now! I'll take your word for it. And now I must go, to try these on. Take this ElvenKings Gift Voucher in with my grateful thanks. Farewell! There it is. The final item we need: the Elven Gift Voucher. It's an Elven Gift Voucher, yet it bears an uncanny resemblance to a Warrant O' Death!Now all we need is find the right elf to redeem this voucher with...  Here we are, once more. Rivendull. Home of the Elvish Mafia. Night fell again as I was walking over here. It mostly just turns everything blue - we are unable to enter Rivendull at night, but that's okay. We're actually here to talk to the guard.  Let me think this through... you're an elf, right? No, I'm the Pope. Of course I'm an elf. Then I assume my Elven Gift Voucher is redeemable here. That and any bottles and cans you got. We're big on recycling. So, who do you want us to hit? Now that you mention it, there's a dragon I know... Consider it taken care of.And... that's it. After much bullshit and confusing, meandering puzzles, we've managed to defeat the dragon... by taking out a hit on it with the Elvish Mafia. Now, all that's left to do is sit back and enjoy the ending cutscene for this quest: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uainlvv_E68 And that's the first of the game's three quests done and over with! However, there are three more. I'm going to take a little break over the holidays before we continue, but until then, you, thread, are going to help me out by voting on the next quest to undertake. No matter which quest you choose, we'll be playing as Shah-ron. So, thread, if you'd please, vote for either The Bizarre and Slightly Twisted Quest, which is the harder of the two, or The Magnificient Seven-Eleven Quest, which is supposed to be somewhere in the middle of the two.
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Dec 22, 2015 10:13
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| # ? May 26, 2024 06:40 |
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Killing the dragon by hiring the mob to hit him, who saw that coming?  If we took a close look at the progress and exploits of Thidney in this quest, one can only safely assume he is quite the psychotic and manipulative rear end in a top hat that deserves all the beating in the world. After (cowardly) placing a hit on the dragon instead of courageously slaying him, Thidney goes on to steal the treasure from the wounded dragon with zero regard for his own honor. After the end of this quest I could go back and enjoy him being burned, turned to ashes and stone. Really enjoyed this LP, would love to see how The Bizarre and Slightly Twisted Quest plays out, my vote goes to that, I sense it has something to do with the Dark Lord.
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Dec 22, 2015 12:08
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That was hell of a plot development. Sales Curve inc. made a ton of lackluster games in mid 90's, never thought they would be so proud of them. Arguably, XS was the first arena shooter, akin to Quake 3 or UT. Voting for The Bizarre and Slightly Twisted Quest.
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Dec 22, 2015 12:57
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Let's see what warrants being called bizarre and slightly twisted.
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Dec 22, 2015 14:04
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I presume that if you don't have the sword bread-stick, the Steward kills you horribly? How the hell does killing the Steward clear up the Palantir?
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Dec 22, 2015 14:33
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Bloodly posted:I presume that if you don't have the sword bread-stick, the Steward kills you horribly? Without the bread-sword, you get the news helicopter cutscene from the last update. As to why killing the steward clears up the palantir, who knows? As far as I can tell, the clue is supposed to be the "we are experiencing a few minor tragedies" text you get if you try to use it while he's still alive. Basically, this game lives and breathes the idea that the player should just go around and do random poo poo until the world changes in a way that puts him closer to the goal. I mean, could you logically explain the train of events that led from where we started to where we ended up, and would any of that have been predictable from the start? Hyper Crab Tank fucked around with this message at 14:53 on Dec 22, 2015 |
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Dec 22, 2015 14:38
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Well that was certainly a thing. Might honestly be the worst Adventure Game I've ever seen. I mean, one or two far fetched ways is quite common, (Like wearing the puppy in Simon the Sorcerer 2,) but this game seems to be made up entirely of them. Still, it is enjoyable to watch/read, partly because I am not the one having to play it. Oh, and I will not vote because I don't really care which adventure we do next. I am sure they are both equally rubbish. 
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Dec 22, 2015 15:53
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You should do the The Magnificient Seven-Eleven Quest and save the twisted quest for last.
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Dec 23, 2015 06:04
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It really seems like almost a good game. The story is quirky but too random to actually be interesting and funny. It's like babby's first story where random is mistaken for original. The puzzles almost make sense internally. Maybe it's just seeing an efficient playthrough, maybe it's just lovely signaling and mistaking "rubbing everything against everything" for puzzles. A lot of the puzzles would make (more) sense if they signaled what they needed to be solved. The game could have let finding some hint that putting a hit on the dragon was a good idea, make the mafia demand a huge amount of money for killing it, make an elf be cold and talk about what it would pay for underwear, ... Using a nice, warm wrench to break plumbing is not far-fetched if we only know why we want to spoil the waters. It seems to me that if they had proof-read or even done a bit of editorial work on the script instead of going with half-readable beer-assisted brainstorm notes, this could have been a really fun game.
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Dec 23, 2015 19:50
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Bloodly posted:How the hell does killing the Steward clear up the Palantir? I would assume the logic (well, the free-flowing chain of associations that's used instead of logic) goes thusly: There were 3 functional Gondorian palantiri left by the time of LotR. One ended up in Sauron's hands, the other two stayed where they were supposed to be - Orthanc and Minas Tirith. The latter was actively used by Denethor and got somewhat broken when the idiot went completely crazy and self-immolated while clutching it in his hands: being indestructible, it survived the pyre, but everyone except the most strong-willed couldn't see poo poo through it, only the burned up hands of the last Steward of Gondor. So.... "go to Minas Tirith analogue and find its Steward counterpart to clear up palantir interference" is actually one of the most straightforward trains of thought in this game - if you know the text it's riffing off  Oh, and do this: idonotlikepeas posted:You should do the The Magnificient Seven-Eleven Quest and save the twisted quest for last.
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Dec 23, 2015 20:51
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This game reminds me a lot of "Limbo of the Lost", both in the character animations, the dry (attempts at) humor with stupid wordplay and references, the grating voice acting, the unlikeable main character and the random puzzle solutions. I would really make sense if this was the inspiration of LOTL and Majestic studios, instead of Monkey Island, Kings Quest and the other games that usually inspire retro-adventure game creators. Of course, this game also came out in 1996, twelve years before LOTL, and still looks better. It isn't an exquisite corpse of stolen assets, the jokes can sometimes be recognized as jokes, and the puzzle solutions sometimes make a semblance of sense.
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Dec 23, 2015 23:55
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This game reminds me of the Beath of Flams FAQ, in that someone clearly wrote a stream-of-consciousness guide that explained a series of absurd puzzles that no human could ever solve, because that was the fitting medium for the type of humor they were delivering, and some idiot decided to make the actual game it described.
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Dec 24, 2015 04:36
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People who complain about point-and-click adventure games usually bring up nonsensical "rub fish on lamp" puzzles as the main reason why. I always used to think that was nonsense, because I'd been playing good point-and-click adventure games like Monkey Island, Day of the Tentacle and Sam & Max. Even the Kyrandia games have clearly identifiable goals and at least a hint of a possible path to victory. This game, on the other hand... seeing this, you start thinking the critics had a point, because there is almost nothing in this game that can be called a reasonable progression of events. There's no way to guess that the first step to slaying a dragon is to trek across the entire world so you can steal mysteriously-appearing drugged beef from a dog in order to break into a nearby town. You just have to meander around aimlessly and hope that the random puzzles you're solving are bringing you closer to your goal - and let me remind you, this game has a lot of red herrings that lead nowhere. I skipped over most of them, but as we eventually tackle the other quests, keep in mind that most of the puzzles relevant to those quests are also in this one, they just don't do anything useful. I'm still not sure where that drugged beef was supposed to be coming from, by the way.
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Dec 24, 2015 13:29
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That drugged beef must be a reference to some obscure thing nobody cares about.
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Dec 24, 2015 16:19
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Ah, the tale of the brave Thidney. So brave he was, that he just hired someone else to do it. But no, seriously, that is a terrible climax. It isn't even a climax. Was there even any inspect data on that dragon? I'm voting for the Bizarre and Slightly Twisted Quest because, if this was this was the game's idea of simple, I wanna see what complicated looks like.
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Dec 24, 2015 20:02
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AmewTheFox posted:But no, seriously, that is a terrible climax. It isn't even a climax. Was there even any inspect data on that dragon? It's not possible to safely enter the location where the dragon is to inspect him. The first time, you get a warning cutscene (see the second update), and the second time the dragon just fries you.
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Dec 24, 2015 21:46
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Hyper Crab Tank posted:I'm still not sure where that drugged beef was supposed to be coming from, by the way. Some other adventurer who wanted to sneak by the hellhound. Thidney, being the less discerning sort, obtained both the sneak and the hellhound's leftovers.
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Dec 28, 2015 13:31
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Hyper Crab Tank posted:I'm still not sure where that drugged beef was supposed to be coming from, by the way. Perhaps it's a reference to Monkey Island? One early puzzle in MI is that you had to break into the governor’s mansion that's guarded by a pack of guard dogs. You do that by feeding the dogs a hunk of meat that's laced with a poisonous plant. Also, I'm loving this game, and I can see now why adventure games died the way they did.
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Dec 28, 2015 20:55
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Another game I never beat as a kid, because I couldn't figure it out back then. I used to think I was just a retarded kid, turns out it was actually the game that was retarded instead!
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Dec 28, 2015 22:59
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I'm back from my holiday trip and it's time to get back to this mess of a game. It seems y'all want to see the Bizarre and Slightly Twisted Quest, so that's the next quest we'll tackle. But before that, I have some bonus material for the first quest! Intermission: The Good, Old-Fashioned, Traditional Quest - The Easy Way Here's a little secret: you don't have to do all that garbage we did in order to beat the Good, Old-Fashioned, Traditional Quest. There is an alternate way of getting the job done.  Like always, we start this quest in the Jolly Mutant Tavern. Our first destination is just around the corner.  As you'll remember, grandma is vital to our quest. We need her to convert the sheep's wool to some nice woollen underthings, which we in turn need to trade for an elven gift voucher.  So what happens if we piss her off? I've never been spoken to like that in my life! Come, come, you decrepit fossil. An ancient crone like yourself must have been insulted many times before! What's that perfume you're wearing? Eau d'Colostome? That's it! I'm leaving this game. There might have been some vital object that I was supposed to give you, but tough luck, buckaroo! See you later!  Whoops. Grandma right up and left, and with her goes the chance of getting our hands on those underthings. So now the game is unbeatable, right? Not exactly. Our next stop is on the other side of the world.  Remember this little shop? Last time we were here, it contained nothing useful whatsoever, just an empty action figure box we couldn't even buy.  This time, things are different. I guess the developers decided the game needed a safety valve in case you screw up too badly, so instead of rendering important items ungettable, they end up here. All we need is 50 gold.  There are lots of ringwraiths in the area near Minar Tragedy, and they're just as squishy as before. Three or four is enough to get the gold.  One set of woollen underthings, check.  Just like before, we can give the underthings to any random elf and they'll give us the voucher in return. All we need to do is bring it back to Rivendull, and just like that, we've completed the Good, Old-Fashioned, Traditional Quest once again. And in record time! Next time, we're tackling a new quest.
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Jan 10, 2016 19:08
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What the gently caress
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Jan 11, 2016 00:14
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This game is incomprehensible in its sheer randomness. It's like someone took complaints about poor adventure game logic, rolled up their sleeves and said, "You ain't seen nothing yet."
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Jan 11, 2016 00:29
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In its own way, it almost makes sense: in a game that's being deliberately stupid, the easiest way to beat the traditional quest is to annoy a vital NPC until they refuse to help you.
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Jan 12, 2016 06:08
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