gimme the GOD drat candy posted:

gee, i wonder if a STEVEN SEAGAL MOVIE will be bad

Blazing Ownager posted:

I want the universe to pull it's most hilarious trick and make Under Siege 3 the best action movie of all time. Then we can universally agree that this was the most improbable thing to ever happen, ever.

Tolkien minority posted:

As someone that didn't live through the 80s, I don't really "get" Seagal. Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Norris, poo poo even Van Damme own bones, but Seagal??? Just a tubby wannabe Asian with a bad haircut

FlimFlam Imam posted:

Gaunab posted:

The best thing about Under Siege was the stripper.

quote:

Exit Wounds
Never Forget, 2001

Here's a collection of the movies that Andrzej Bartkowiak has directed.

• Doom, featuring the Rock & Karl Urban
  
  
• Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-LI
  
  
• Romeo Must Die
  
  
• Exit Wounds

Here's some of the movies that Andrezj Bartkowiak was the cinematographer on.

• Prince of the City, which is loving great
  
  
• Falling Down
  
  
• Speed
  
  
• U.S. Marshals, which has the best last line of any 90's action flick
  
  
• Species, which features Tom Sizemore, boobs

Here's some of the people that star in Exit Wounds.

• Steven Seagal
  
  
• DMX
  
  
• Anthony Anderson, who improvs all his lines
  
  
• Tom Arnold, who also improvs all his lines
  
  
• Isaiah Washington, but he doesn't get to be the bad guy
  
  
• Michael Jai White, who made a lovely Mike Tyson
  
  
• Bill loving Duke, who was in Predator
  
  
• Eva Mendes, for a total of two minutes
  
  
• Jill Hennessy, who was on Law & Order for a long rear end time and dies in this the same way she did on Law & Order
  
  
• Bruce McGill, who you probably remember as the "Wipe that smirk off your face" guy from Michael Mann's Insider
  
  
• Some guy who was arrested and charged with sexual assault during filming
  
  
• One of those gigantic white dudes who always show up in Jet Li movies
  
  
• Two career soft-core porn actors (both male) playing Secret Service agents
  
  
• Danny McBride's Christian sister-in-law from Eastbound & Down

Here's some of the film's most memorable scenes.

• It opens with a long speech about gun control. Is the movie about gun control? No, it's about corrupt cops stealing heroin so that DMX can pretend to buy it from them, all so that he can then post a bunch of videos of these events on the internet because this might get his brother released from jail.
  
  
• In one scene, Steven Seagal is attacked by a gang. After he beats up the entire gang for the enjoyment of Tom Arnold (who he met in anger management class), he handcuffs one of the gang members by the ankle, but then he doesn't use the other cuff. He just puts one cuff on the guy's ankle and drives away. The guy can go anywhere, do anything, he just will have to do it dangling a pair of handcuffs off of his ankle. The other six people are left alone, because they are sleepy.
  
  
• When Steven Steagal shows up to check on the evidence locker--which is in an office building, nowhere near the police station--he finds the night janitor tied up on the floor, because that's where the corrupt cops left him. But is the night janitor alone? No, of course not. He brought his entire family to work with him, so most of them are tied up too. (The daughter is hiding in a nearby office.)
  
  
• It shouldn't really count, because this is the sort of movie where reality doesn't matter, but all of the handguns in this movie contain anywhere between 10 to 300 bullets, except when it's necessary for Isaiah Washinton's gun to be empty so that he can't shoot DMX in the face. Since Washington had never fired his gun in the first place, that means that he is the sort of police officer who forgets to load his gun before going on duty.
  
  
• There's a couple of scenes set in a locker room, scenes that feature shirtless men showing off their cut physiques. Except for Seagal, all of these scenes are played as homoerotically as is possible, with Michael Jai White coming in for extra praise by spinning on the balls of his feet whenever he has to make a turn, flexing his buttocks and cracking his impressive biceps in time with his lines, all of which are delivered in a bizarre syrup-enriched sing-song fashion. Since Seagal can't "act" in the normally understood definition of the word, and as his body had deteriorated to the point of farcical grotesquerie by 2001, he participates in these scenes mostly as Greek chorus. Thankfully, he never takes off his shirt.
  
  
• Actually, Seagal's clothing choices throughout the film are kind of fascinating, as he seems to be the one actor the filmmakers refused to costume. Except for when he's wearing an ill-fitting police uniform, he wears cheap looking clothes, all of which look like they were purchased at an Old Navy sometime in the mid 90's. Dirty fleece tops, "Relaxed Fit" jeans and stretched out rugby shirts.
  
  
• Not one, but two of the bad guys in this film are killed by some manner of impalement. By itself, this wouldn't necessarily be a disappointment, but the impalement follows the single greatest action move in the entire film, which is when Michael Jai White jumps straight up into the air into a full split, just so he can avoid getting chopped in half by Steven Seagal. (The two men are having a duel with gigantic steel fabric cutters.)
  
  
• There's also this scene, which has some pretty dicey racial stuff. The best part of the scene is the way the white guy keeps adjusting his tie and making eyes at DMX.
  

whoflungpoop posted:

Im trying to think of a guy in hollywood who would be more disgusting to gently caress than seagal and all i can come up with is an obese steve buscemi

food court bailiff posted:

Tarantino by far.

whoflungpoop posted:

Im trying to think of a guy in hollywood who would be more disgusting to gently caress than seagal and all i can come up with is an obese steve buscemi