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Big, girthy, strong Turkish cannons > small, thin and feeble Byzantine walls
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May 29, 2020 11:53
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Communist Bear posted:Byzantine Empire is very annoying to play in CK2. how so? in my current game i started of as king of Léon and now rule most of northern spain and all of hungary
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May 29, 2020 12:05
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My fave Byzantine event was when a bunch of sports fans were rioting and were starting to threaten the Emperor Justinian and he responded by sending troops into the Hippodrome, barring the doors, then massacring everyone in the sports stadium. 30,000 dead lol. Riots in those days were brutal.
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May 29, 2020 12:12
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Chariot racing fans all deserve to die anyway. loving plebs.
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May 29, 2020 12:13
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Pistol_Pete posted:My fave Byzantine event was when a bunch of sports fans were rioting and were starting to threaten the Emperor Justinian and he responded by sending troops into the Hippodrome, barring the doors, then massacring everyone in the sports stadium. 30,000 dead lol. Riots in those days were brutal. I don't know what your av's from, but the text seems pretty on-brand for the Byzantines. sajobi posted:I googled phossy jaw. gently caress me. Yup. It's the sort of image that sticks in your head. Uhh, bad choice of words sorry.
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May 29, 2020 12:20
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Pistol_Pete posted:My fave Byzantine event was when a bunch of sports fans were rioting and were starting to threaten the Emperor Justinian and he responded by sending troops into the Hippodrome, barring the doors, then massacring everyone in the sports stadium. 30,000 dead lol. Riots in those days were brutal. They weren't rioting because of sports. The chariot races in the hippodrome was pretty much the last remaining occasion where the Emperor would appear before the people and Justinian was growing very unpopular because of his harsh rule and the increasingly heavy taxes he was levying on the people to support his ruinous and highly destructive wars in Africa and Italy (which probably did more to destroy what remained of the Roman social order in the West than anything any of the Barbarians did), as well as the practices of some of Justinian's advisors who were guilty of extortionate and exploitative lending practices. Things kind of just came to a head and boiled over when fans of the two teams, the Greens and Blues, stopped cheering for their team and united in shouting insults at Justinian and cries of "Nika" (victory). Then poo poo just went down.
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May 29, 2020 12:27
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Randarkman posted:They weren't rioting because of sports. historians would like you to remember it for a real reason but we all know people loving love rioting about sports
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May 29, 2020 12:34
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Archer666 posted:Byzantine hookers sound like a very pro-active bunch, tracking down monks to gently caress. Byzantine hookers were the most ambitious hookers of history 
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May 29, 2020 12:40
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Rutibex posted:Byzantine hookers were the most ambitious hookers of history Probably wasn't a hooker. That's all from Procopius's Secret History, and while Justinian in many ways did huff major rear end, he (and Theodora) probably weren't demons who had beastiality orgies.
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May 29, 2020 12:45
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Haramstufe Rot posted:Big, girthy, strong Turkish cannons > small, thin and feeble Byzantine walls Chad Mehmet II vs Virgin Constantine XI
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May 29, 2020 12:47
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Randarkman posted:Probably wasn't a hooker. That's all from Procopius's Secret History, and while Justinian in many ways did huff major rear end, he (and Theodora) probably weren't demons who had beastiality orgies. Look Procopius told us how Justinian Killed a Trillion people, I think he is on the level.
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May 29, 2020 12:49
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Randarkman posted:Probably wasn't a hooker. That's all from Procopius's Secret History, and while Justinian in many ways did huff major rear end, he (and Theodora) probably weren't demons who had beastiality orgies. We need an Anticopius, to balance things out.
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May 29, 2020 12:58
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Tree Bucket posted:We need an Anticopius, to balance things out. That's Procopius as well. The official histories he wrote for Justinian and Theodora are full of praise of them as the most perfectest justest rulers and the ideal Christian couple.
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May 29, 2020 13:26
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Randarkman posted:Probably wasn't a hooker. That's all from Procopius's Secret History, and while Justinian in many ways did huff major rear end, he (and Theodora) probably weren't demons who had beastiality orgies. pfft nuts to you. i choose to believe anything anyone wrote in the ancient world. Suetonius, Procopius, lives the the later Caesars, its all real and its fantastic 
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May 29, 2020 14:04
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This might be controversial but I think you should not be allowed to call yourself an empire if you only control a single city and everything else is constantly getting overrun by different waves of invaders every five seconds
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May 29, 2020 14:04
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My theory is that the Byzantines also indirectly explain the Habsburgs. The latter probably went 'you know, we might all be inbred and hideous-looking, but at least we don't have popular revolts every two years where we blind and castrate (if male) our predecessor, this hereditary monarchy thing might not be so bad after all'
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May 29, 2020 14:10
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The Empire Never Ended
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May 29, 2020 14:18
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Haramstufe Rot posted:Big, girthy, strong Turkish cannons > small, thin and feeble Byzantine walls  the cannon that cracked the walls of Constantinople and blew it wide open was made by a Hungarian called Orban (or Urban)Because he originally tried making a deal with Constantine XI Palaiologos to make superguns for him and said this blowhard said "eat my rear end, I don't need that poo poo gently caress you also I don't have anything for your pay or manufacturing"  quote:Orban entered the capital of Constantinople and offered his services to the emperor. The emperor was delighted in meeting with him, for he had an interest in using this new technology to his advantage after seeing it first-hand at the Hexamilion, which is a defensive wall constructed across the Isthmus of Corinth and seeing the power this new device of war, as it smashed through rock. Then Orban went to the Turks with the same pitch and they said "oh that's loving sweet, we'll take that!" quote:However, Constantine had not the resources such as timber for the foundry fires or even the money to offer Orban to build the desired weapons. Constantine also did not want the man to leave his capital and sought to keep him as long as he could. In order to do this, he provided a stipend from scraps to keep the man. This only lasted for so long and after the money ran dry, Orban left the city seeking a new customer. He made his way to the court of Ottoman Sultan Mehmed II (30 March 1432 – 3 May 1481), best known as Mehmed the Conqueror, (the very man who would soon lay waste to Constantinople).  After the siege, he later died. Because he tested an even bigger gun than before. And the gun blew up with him. http://www.camrea.org/2017/09/11/orban-the-man-who-brought-down-the-walls-of-constantinople-part-i/  On my way to gently caress your walls: 
EorayMel fucked around with this message at 15:24 on May 29, 2020 |
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May 29, 2020 14:20
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Phlegmish posted:This might be controversial but I think you should not be allowed to call yourself an empire if you only control a single city and everything else is constantly getting overrun by different waves of invaders every five seconds I mean, magine living in Thrace during these centuries. One week it's the Bulgarians pillaging everything, the following week it's the Crusaders, the week after that it's the Ottomans, and so on.
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May 29, 2020 14:20
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Phlegmish posted:I mean, magine living in Thrace during these centuries. One week it's the Bulgarians pillaging everything, the following week it's the Crusaders, the week after that it's the Ottomans, and so on. i'd move after the first pillaging to be perfectly honest
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May 29, 2020 14:22
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Hang on, on which calendar did Constantinople fall on May 29th? You can't just take dates from a few centuries ago at face value!
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May 29, 2020 14:26
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People back then had loving  pitchesquote:Once Orban arrived, he requested an audience with Mehmed to sell him his services. After Mehmed was informed of Orban’s engineering skills, he was happy to welcome this traveler and to show him that his skills would be appreciated, and showered him with gifts. Mehmed promised Orban that he would give him the highest wage besides the many gifts. Afterwards, Mehmed asked Orban if were possible to build a powerful enough cannon that could breach the walls of Constantinople. Orban said, “I can cast a cannon of bronze with the capacity of the stone you want. I have examined the walls of the city in great detail. I can shatter to dust not only these walls with the stones from my gun, but the very walls of Babylon itself.” And then he did 
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May 29, 2020 14:28
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Rutibex posted:i'd move after the first pillaging to be perfectly honest Pretty sure there were only five people living there by 1453, but they had to be the most hardcore, jaded people in history. [rolling eyes] yes, Constantinople is due south. No, you can't sleep here, there are still mud tracks on the floor from the last batch of invaders
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May 29, 2020 14:31
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EorayMel posted:After the siege he later died by testing by blowing from up testing an even bigger gun This sentence is shooting a cannon at the wall of my brain
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May 29, 2020 14:35
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Cosmik Slop posted:This sentence is shooting a cannon at the wall of my brain I fixed it  But so did Orban regarding those drat walls being too tall and gaudy
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May 29, 2020 14:37
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I mean the absurd thing on the walls is they were built like 413 AD so honestly its either impressive or sad it took someone 1000 years to figure out how to knock them down.
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May 29, 2020 14:44
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Jack2142 posted:I mean the absurd thing on the walls is they were built like 413 AD so honestly its either impressive or sad it took someone 1000 years to figure out how to knock them down. You didn't really need to knock them down. Crusaders took the city just fine in 1204.
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May 29, 2020 14:46
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Rutibex posted:i'd move after the first pillaging to be perfectly honest Sounds good. You'd better stick with your neighbours, and grab a few weapons to keep safe while you're on the move! Also you're low on supplies after the pillaging, so you might have to acquire some goods from whichever settlements you happen to pass... EorayMel posted:After the siege he later died from up testing an even bigger gun and it blew up I love your post, but has your grammar been subjected to some kind of overwhelming bombardment from the wily Turk?
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May 29, 2020 15:16
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Tree Bucket posted:Sounds good. You'd better stick with your neighbours, and grab a few weapons to keep safe while you're on the move! Also you're low on supplies after the pillaging, so you might have to acquire some goods from whichever settlements you happen to pass... "In those days a big post of the Gibbisians was sailing down the forums [the Bosphorus] by the thread of Tree Bucket [“Head Cutter,” that is, Rumeli Hisar], commanded by EorayMel…they fired a very large stone from the castle and it struck the grammar." After their post was blasted out of the forums, the shocked goons who made it to shore were executed along with their captain. As well, the body of the captain was impaled on the banks as a public warning. After seeing what the massive cannon could do, Lowtax wanted something bigger.
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May 29, 2020 15:27
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EorayMel posted:
Thank you for the informative post. Very interesting to think about these wall-centric periods of human history & warfare. Kings and generals walking around thinking "how many walls is enough" and debating the importance of wall girth vs. height, and other wall related topics
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May 29, 2020 15:41
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I thought my walls were thick enough. This is very disconcerting.
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May 29, 2020 15:42
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EorayMel posted:
I know that he tried to keep Orban in the city, but I can't help but think that a more successful ruler would have simply killed Orban. If only The Prince had been written 100 years earlier.
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May 29, 2020 15:46
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Cantaloupe posted:Thank you for the informative post. Very interesting to think about these wall-centric periods of human history & warfare. Kings and generals walking around thinking "how many walls is enough" and debating the importance of wall girth vs. height, and other wall related topics if you like posts about walls and kings thinking "how many walls do I need" you will like Shadaversity https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hv6Yl45g1y4
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May 29, 2020 15:50
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About goddamn time imo
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May 29, 2020 15:57
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Here's another link about it, including its combat capabilities and how entire armies were organized to work the gun (even with a slightly pretentious/cringy style scattered throughout some of it)quote:Basilica measured over 27 feet in length and weighed enough that it reportedly had to be carried – disassembled – by a team of 60 oxen and an accompanying crew of up to 400 men. Its barrel was 30 inches in diameter and its bronze walls were 8 inches thick. It fired a massive marble ball that was designed to knock down fortifications with one shot. Do you think Mehmet II was compensating for something 
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May 29, 2020 16:01
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EorayMel posted:Do you think Mehmet II was compensating for something Of course not! Now go away, I need four hundred muscular warriors to carefully swab my mighty cannon with precious oils.
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May 29, 2020 16:22
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Rubbing olive oil on my big, hot, ineffective cannon.
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May 29, 2020 16:29
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Just a bit more rubbing, men, and it’ll fire another massive load
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May 29, 2020 16:54
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therattle posted:Just a bit more rubbing, men, and it’ll fire another massive load or it will just mis-fire
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May 29, 2020 18:23
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Let us not forget Constantine V "Copronymos," aka "poo poo-Name." His later critics probably called him this because he didn't like icons or monks (and they did) but they spread a rumour that he pooped in the holy water while being baptized as a child. Could have happened!
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May 29, 2020 18:44
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