r/relationships: he's just soggy moldy baby carrot

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: he's just soggy moldy baby carrot

AceClown: Sep 11, 2005

Propaniac posted:

My (24F) boyfriend (32M) told me he was a doctor. I walked in on him behind the counter at Taco Bell.

no, I'm sorry, people in the history of humanity have never lied or made poo poo up to get laid, you're the first, congratulations

# ? May 19, 2024 09:15

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# ? Jun 10, 2024 10:26

boofhead: Feb 18, 2021

AceClown posted:

no, I'm sorry, people in the history of humanity have never lied or made poo poo up to get laid, you're the first, congratulations

holy poo poo is that true

# ? May 19, 2024 09:19

Runcible Cat: May 28, 2007; Ignoring this post

AceClown posted:

no, I'm sorry, people in the history of humanity have never lied or made poo poo up to get laid, you're the first, congratulations

The really great thing is her going "what should I do, should I dump him?" when he is 100% never going to be seen again.

# ? May 19, 2024 10:08

ApplesandOranges: Jun 22, 2012; Thankee kindly.

I always find it funny when guys lie to get laid but then that turns into an actual relationship and they have to live with that lie, forever (or until they get busted).

# ? May 19, 2024 10:22

ApplesandOranges: Jun 22, 2012; Thankee kindly.

AITA for offering my kids nanny more money/hours so she won't work for my SIL?

quote:

My husband and I have 3 kids (10mo f, 4m, 10f). We currently have a nanny, Isabelle (22f) 3 days a week.

I have to say, Isabelle is loving amazing. She drives on field trips, she does homework with the kids, she handles play dates, she's the one adult my 10 year old likes, she's not dependent on screens, does art projects with the kids, she speaks 10 year old, and she's even teaching them how to cook and bake. They made mini quiches a few weeks ago.

My oldest is doing state testing right now and wanted a fun activity with her friends. Isabelle suggested a spa day and my daughter loved it. I set up a day for my 4 year old to go home with his grandparents and let Isabelle turn our living room into a spa. She picked up my daughter, my niece, and 2 friends, brought them to our house, and did their hair and nails while they laid back and did face masks.

I guess my niece was telling her mom how cool Isabelle is because my SIL texted Isabelle offering her a nanny position 4 days a week, matching whatever I pay her but for only 1 kid. Isabelle showed me the text and told me that she will have to think about it because the extra money would be nice. I told her if she promised to stay, next year I'd have her at 5 days a week with a $5 per hour raise. Isabelle turned my SIL down saying she had received a better offer and now she's telling my husband's family that I stole a nanny from her.

They're upset that I outbid my SIL and gave Isabelle extra money and hours just so my SIL wouldn't get her. My husband said it was petty. AITA for offering Isabelle a raise and more hours so she doesn't work for my SIL?

# ? May 19, 2024 10:23

wheatpuppy: Apr 25, 2008; YOU HAVE MY POST!

ApplesandOranges posted:

AITA for offering my kids nanny more money/hours so she won't work for my SIL?

"How dare you pay her more money to keep her after I tried to pay her more money to steal her away?"

# ? May 19, 2024 10:25

Josef bugman: Nov 17, 2011; Pictured: Poster prepares to celebrate Holy Communion (probablY)

This avatar made possible by a gift from the Religionthread Posters Relief Fund

This is a very smart Nannie who knows how to negotiate. Open up the bidding next year as well!

# ? May 19, 2024 10:29

jemand: Sep 19, 2018

True, but for the nannys sake, little concerned it sounds like ops offer starts "next year." Hope it actually is serious, but if so, why not already?

# ? May 19, 2024 10:29

Deformed Church: May 12, 2012; 5'5", IQ 81

Sounds like Isabelle is about to get caught in the middle of a stupid family pissing match.

# ? May 19, 2024 10:39

Mx.: Dec 16, 2006; I'm a great fan! When I watch TV I'm always saying "That's political correctness gone mad!"
Why thankyew!

AITA for walking out of the bridal salon when I found out my friends were making fun of me behind my back?

quote:

I have two friends: Gaby and Shelly. All of us are 23, if that matters. We were roommates in college and stayed in the same city after graduation. While the three of us are close, I�ve always known that Gaby and Shelly are the closest. They have a really sweet friendship.

Shelly is getting married. Gaby is the maid of honor and I�m one of the bridesmaids. Over the weekend, I went with Shelly so she could look at wedding dresses. Gaby was supposed to come with us but got called into work last minute. I helped Shelly pick out some dresses then she went with the consultant to try them on. Shelly asked that I take pictures and videos on her phone to send to her mom and Gaby. I was getting the camera ready when a text from Gaby came through. I didn�t mean to click on it and was instantly going to click back out when I saw one of my Instagram pictures in their private chat from earlier that morning. Both were making fun of me for the face I was making and my outfit choice. It didn�t appear to be very good nature.

I admit, curiosity got the best of me so I searched my name in the chat. I found multiple pictures that I, my boyfriend or my mom have posted of myself, absolutely ripping them to shreds. Ranging from selfies to posed shots to even a few baby pictures. They�d also make fun of me in general in terms of the way I talked, wore my hair and the way I ate. This went back as far as I could tell, at least a year.

My heart broke. It all felt so juvenile and high school. While we all joke around, I would never do this to them nor have they ever even tried to instigate these types of conversations with me about the other one on one. I was in tears. As someone who was bullied all through middle and high school, it just brought me back to a horrible place. I put the phone in Shelly�s purse and brought it to another employee, telling her to tell Shelly that I had to go. I drove home and had a long cry.

Shelly texted me by the time I made it home asking where I went. I said I was going home and we could talk later. When she did call a few hours later, she was understandably confused and hurt that I left. I told her what I found, explaining that I only looked further because of the initial text I accidentally saw. She went off on me for looking through her private texts and said those were none of my business. She also told me I shouldn�t have left the store without saying anything. I said I didn�t want to make a scene but also knew I couldn�t fake being happy for her.

Shelly told me the texts were �all in good fun� and clearly she loves me because I�m going to be her bridesmaid. She added that I�m only hurt because I chose to read all those texts. Later on, Gaby called to tell me that I invaded Shelly�s privacy and hurt her by walking out.

My boyfriend and mom think I did the right thing by walking out. But obviously, they�re a little biased. I just want some unbiased looks: was I an rear end in a top hat to look through the texts and then leave?

# ? May 19, 2024 10:52

TACD: Oct 27, 2000

r/relationships: do Canadian men often do this with their body?

# ? May 19, 2024 10:57

Kurieg: Jul 19, 2012; RIP Lutri: 5/19/20-4/2/20

Mx. posted:

AITA for walking out of the bridal salon when I found out my friends were making fun of me behind my back?

You only got hurt because you found the hurtful things I said, clearly this is your fault.

# ? May 19, 2024 12:53

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

wheatpuppy posted:

That year at school I learned about something called "face blindness."

Lol several years ago all the bastards and I were walking in a park and I noticed a set of adult identical twins. And then another, and then another. The town was hosting a convention for identical twins. By the time we finished our walk I'd say a third of all the people we passed in this park were identical twins.

When we got back to the van and were driving home Mrs Bastard idly comments, sure were a lot of people dressed alike in the park today.

# ? May 19, 2024 13:38

Rocket Baby Dolls: Mar 3, 2006; Underneath he has a velvet, yummy tummy you wish you could just stroke and squish all day! Ahh! But on top... On top it's a whole different story... On top he is a scary stiff stabber!

AITA for saying penguins are not ducks

quote:

I have two daughters, and one of them has, since she was tiny, loved ducks. She's obsessed with them. Every day, she tells me a new duck fact. The main thing she's missing about the pandemic is being able to go to the park to watch the ducks. Not feed them, just sit there and stare adoringly at them. She sleeps with a cuddly toy duck. She shouts "it's a good day to be a duck" when things are going well. It's a bit odd, but there's no harm in it. She is technically my stepdaughter and has had to put up with a *lot* in her short life- her birth mother being abusive, her father remarrying me and then walking out on us, me starting a new relationship, and then a pandemic, and anything which gives her a bit of comfort and joy is good by me.

My other stepdaughter meanwhile, likes penguins. Not to the extent that my other daughter does, but still quite a lot. She sleeps with a toy penguin, has penguin stickers all round her bed, and watches Chilly Willy cartoons on repeat. As a result, while it took a while for her and her sister to bond, they eventually did so over arguments over which bird was better. They had banter over it for literally nine months and it was adorable, and eventually came up with a theory that penguins were actually a type of duck. They brought this up with me (f39) and my partner (f37) to ask if they thought it was likely that penguins were a type of duck. I said it was pretty unlikely, and they both seemed pretty disappointed- apparently my partner had told them it was.

My partner was surprisingly annoyed about it- she was good natured and laughing, but she went on at me for a while about how she had told them that penguins were a type of duck in an attempt to "move the debate along." Both of us are aware the whole situation is objectively hilarious, but there's still an element of slight grudge-holding on my partners part. She looks at me pointedly and sighs whenever our daughters start up about ducks v penguins. AITA?

# ? May 19, 2024 13:50

Coca Koala: Nov 28, 2005; ongoing nowhere; College Slice

Obviously you explain to your children that some ducks (like wood ducks) are a form of penguin but strangely, some penguins (like emperor) are technically ducks due to the strange state of science and biology in the 1800s.

# ? May 19, 2024 14:22

Wii Spawn Camper: Nov 25, 2005

Moon Slayer posted:

TIFU by showing my dick to my wife's grandparents.

3 days later ...

The Sentinelese, famously known as one of the last uncontacted primitive peoples left on the planet, have been seen waving their dicks at the observers, ironically sometimes at actual helicopters. There's probably nothing closer to a universal gesture, except for maybe this (from Wikipedia):

quote:

...sometimes they turned their backs and assumed a "defecating" posture, which Pandit took as a sign of their not being welcome.

# ? May 19, 2024 14:28

ScienceSeagull: May 17, 2021; Figure 1 Smart birds.

Moon Slayer posted:

TIFU by showing my dick to my wife's grandparents.

do Canadian men often do this with their body?

Too bad we just got a new thread title

# ? May 19, 2024 14:32

The_Franz: Aug 8, 2003

edgeman83 posted:

I have two completely opposite Dr. title stories. The first was the high school principal we had for a year. She required everyone, students parents and teachers, to call her by her full title. She was just as pleasant as she sounded and I think the teachers had a fun night out when she was finally shitcanned.

The school district I was in required an EdD to become a principal, so they all had the title of "Doctor". Extra degrees coincided with pay bumps for teachers as well, so basically any teacher who had been there for over 10 years had an EdD, because teachers had continuing education requirements that were paid for by the district, so standard practice was to slowly grind out the courses until they fulfilled the requirements.

# ? May 19, 2024 14:38

coronatae: Oct 14, 2012

There was a Spanish teacher at my high school who had a PhD and insisted on being addressed as Dr. I never had her but I heard she wasn't a great teacher. She disappeared halfway through my junior year and it turned out her husband had been declared missing but really he'd died at home and she was just living with the body.

FWIW I also have a PhD (neuroscience) and only invoke the title for comedy purposes. I like to annoy my partner by referring to him as Mr. Dr. Coro

# ? May 19, 2024 15:07

Upgrade: Jun 19, 2021

I have a phd and anyone who insists on being called Dr sucks. Also I hate academic departments that refer to each other as Dr.

# ? May 19, 2024 15:16

idiotsavant: Jun 4, 2000

trickybiscuits posted:

This was my cousin's wedding last month. Beautiful ceremony, then dinner, dancing, drinking, and loads of fun. It was wonderful.

Hell yeah. When it goes off right and it's all a big joyous celebration with friends, weddings are one of the absolute top-notch examples of a party

# ? May 19, 2024 15:16

idiotsavant: Jun 4, 2000

Rocket Baby Dolls posted:

AITA for saying penguins are not ducks

r/relationships: it's a good day to be a duck

# ? May 19, 2024 15:22

Vertigo Ambrosia: May 26, 2004; Heretic, please.

Moon Slayer posted:

TIFU by showing my dick to my wife's grandparents.

I instinctively pulled my shorts down and started doing the helicopter.

A lot of people seem to say "instinctively' when they mean 'impulsively'.

Can't control the biological instinct to be a loving idiot, nope can't be blamed for my behavior because :biotruths:

# ? May 19, 2024 15:26

FMguru: Sep 10, 2003; peed on;
sexually

idiotsavant posted:

Hell yeah. When it goes off right and it's all a big joyous celebration with friends, weddings are one of the absolute top-notch examples of a party

If a wedding is treated as a celebration of the newlyweds joining together and a big party where people who don't usually see each other have a chance to hang out and mingle and meet new people with food and drink and dancing and laughter, then yeah it can be a blast.

If a wedding is treated as The Bride's Very Special Day, well, then you start getting stories like in this thread.

# ? May 19, 2024 15:43

Pantaloon Pontiff: Jun 25, 2023

This story from LegalAdvice is short, but I just like how well the even shorter title sums it up. And while I'm not exactly a police fan, a guy like this getting arrested for sucker-punching a cop who actually wasn't doing anything wrong works for me.

quote:

Friend started a fight at a bar. The guy said he was a federal agent and he was.

Long story short:

Last night a guy was talking to my friends girlfriend. My friend said to back off because it's his girlfriend. The guy said ok I'm sorry I didn't know.

A few hours later my buddy gets a little drunk and goes back up to the guy and said "I should beat your rear end for hitting on my girl"

The guy calmly explained that he didn't know. And then he said "I'm a federal agent. FBI. Nobody is fighting anyone. It's an honest mistake. " and then my friend sucker punched him.

Two of the FBI guys friends tackled him and me very quickly and held us down until the police came.

They let me go but I haven't heard from my friend. How much trouble is he in? Would they come back to charge me also?

Edit: this has taken place in NYC

# ? May 19, 2024 16:35

Safety Dance: Sep 10, 2007; Five degrees to starboard!

Upgrade posted:

I have a phd and anyone who insists on being called Dr sucks. Also I hate academic departments that refer to each other as Dr.

My wife has an MD, and she only refers to herself as doctor (outside of work) so she can make the occasional "just what the doctor ordered" joke at restaurants.

# ? May 19, 2024 16:36

idiotsavant: Jun 4, 2000

Pantaloon Pontiff posted:

This story from LegalAdvice is short, but I just like how well the even shorter title sums it up. And while I'm not exactly a police fan, a guy like this getting arrested for sucker-punching a cop who actually wasn't doing anything wrong works for me.

lol hope your friend enjoys jail

# ? May 19, 2024 16:42

haveblue: Aug 15, 2005; Toilet Rascal

Yeah that guy is hosed even without considering who his victim was

# ? May 19, 2024 16:51

Biplane: Jul 18, 2005

Pantaloon Pontiff posted:

This story from LegalAdvice is short, but I just like how well the even shorter title sums it up. And while I'm not exactly a police fan, a guy like this getting arrested for sucker-punching a cop who actually wasn't doing anything wrong works for me.

Lmfao. "How much trouble is he in?" Probably a lot, bud

# ? May 19, 2024 16:55

Technocrat: Jan 30, 2011; I always finish what I sta

I recall interactions with the police in Rio de Janeiro, that they're chiefs are "doctor" rather than "captain", I believe because they have to pass the bar exam

They also gave Prince Andrew an all-female motorcycle escort, though I can't say whether that was their idea or his.

# ? May 19, 2024 17:31

Hughlander: May 11, 2005

wheatpuppy posted:

"How dare you pay her more money to keep her after I tried to pay her more money to steal her away?"

Not remotely what she said....

She said, "How dare you pay her more money to steal her away from me after I tried to pay her more money to steal her away." She's blaming the OP for stealing away the sitter that she never actually employed, just tried to hire away.

From the interactions and even the Husband's reaction get the feeling SIL is the golden child used to getting her way.

# ? May 19, 2024 17:44

PetraCore: Jul 20, 2017; 👁️🔥👁️👁️👁️BE NOT👄AFRAID👁️👁️👁️🔥👁️

Hughlander posted:

Not remotely what she said....

She said, "How dare you pay her more money to steal her away from me after I tried to pay her more money to steal her away." She's blaming the OP for stealing away the sitter that she never actually employed, just tried to hire away.

From the interactions and even the Husband's reaction get the feeling SIL is the golden child used to getting her way.

Yeah honestly it sounds like Isabelle dodged a bullet because even if SIL only wanted her to care for one kid, this sort of reaction to her offer being turned down makes me think she'd have been a super demanding boss.

# ? May 19, 2024 17:54

Fil5000: Jun 23, 2003; HOLD ON GUYS I'M POSTING ABOUT INTERNET ROBOTS

Technocrat posted:

I recall interactions with the police in Rio de Janeiro, that they're chiefs are "doctor" rather than "captain", I believe because they have to pass the bar exam

They also gave Prince Andrew an all-female motorcycle escort, though I can't say whether that was their idea or his.

All Women Biker Police sounds like an Alan Partridge pitch.

# ? May 19, 2024 17:56

kru: Oct 5, 2003

Fil5000 posted:

All Women Biker Police sounds like an Alan Partridge pitch.

The 'In Rio' part absolutely sells this

# ? May 19, 2024 18:22

Lottery of Babylon: Apr 25, 2012; STRAIGHT TROPIN'

BrigadierSensible posted:

This one is easy.

GF has every right to be asked to be called "doctor". Dad has every right to ask to not call him "doctor"

loving call people by the name/title that THEY want to be called. If for nothing else, for politeness sake.

You will address me by my husband's rank

# ? May 19, 2024 18:31

The Moon Monster: Dec 30, 2005

Mx. posted:

AITA For refusing to draw my nieces artwork for an assignment/contest she had at school?

Not that this lady did the wrong thing, but "The world isn't fair so I'm not going to help you cheat at this art contest" is a confusing thread.

# ? May 19, 2024 19:15

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

idiotsavant posted:

r/relationships: it's a good day to be a duck

# ? May 19, 2024 19:21

Pope Corky the IX: Dec 18, 2006; What are you looking at?

I�m stuck between the windmill dick and the penguin duck.

# ? May 19, 2024 19:24

Valiantman: Jun 25, 2011; Ways to circumvent the Compact #6: Find a dreaming god and affect his dreams so that they become reality. Hey, it's not like it's you who's affecting the world. Blame the other guy for irresponsibly falling asleep.

Pope Corky the IX posted:

I’m stuck between the windmill dick and the penguin duck.

An illustration, please.

# ? May 19, 2024 19:45

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# ? Jun 10, 2024 10:26

Mushmouth: Feb 21, 2004; Urban Tumbleweed

Pope Corky the IX posted:

I�m stuck between the windmill dick and the penguin duck.

Ducks' are corkscrew shaped, so it'd be more a turbine.

# ? May 19, 2024 19:52

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