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Ghostnuke posted:I'm having a great mothers day knowing that I never have to see or talk to her again
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May 13, 2024 09:32
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Strep Vote posted:My mom's response to other people's parents doing things differently (nonabusively) was that my friends' parents must not love them as much as my parents loved me. This is what happened in my home too. My parents realized they couldn't be effectively absent and effectively prevent me from wandering the neighborhood knocking on doors until someone let me in, so when I started coming home with stories of what other homes and parents were like, they quickly pivoted to teaching me this lesson: If it felt good or was positive, it was fake and manipulative. There is a sinister angle that you are not seeing -- everyone is secretly like us deep down, and the people who hide it are especially dangerous. Positivity must be challenged and undermined; negativity is God's Truth and must be understood, internalized, and corrected. To this day, if it implies negative things about me or feels bad, that translates to my brain as feeling true. And if it implies positive things, or feels good, my brain wants to pick and investigate and undermine, because there must be some lie I have not yet figured out, and if I just poke at it some more, the truth with win out. Especially insidious, because as most people know, if you refuse to accept compliments and positivity and continually make people who compliment you and make you feel good feel bad for doing so, it does become a self fulfiling prophecy, so it's easy to find the "lie" when you are forcing people to be more negative around you via blind propogation of abuse you yourself suffered but didn't recognize as abuse. They taught me to smugly know beyond a shadow of a doubt: if it feels good, it's actually bad. So you either have to embrace the shame of being a fundamentally bad person who wants to feel good sometimes (because wanting to feel good means you are intrinsically bad), or embrace the misery of being a good person who only ever feels good when they are actively loving up (because the fact that you feel good alone means that you are being bad.) It's taken half a decade in therapy to get as far as I have with unpacking it and it's still my instinctive response to things -- I have to consciously reject this instinct to get past it still. I don't know if it will ever change, but I hope it does!
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May 13, 2024 14:39
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I decided not to post this in the general /r/relationships thread, but figured it's relevant here. AITA for banning my mother from my house after she cooked in my kitchen? quote:I (24F) have banned my mother from my house and taken her emergency key. I did this after I found out from one of her friends who was disgusted, that she was sneaking into my house and using as many plates, pans, silverware and the like in secret, cleaning them and then putting them back, with the express purpose of breaking my kosher status of the kitchen. I confronted her, she admitted, it, saying that my becoming Jewish and going kosher was “an insult” and she had supported me through my conversion because she thought I’d realize how stupid it was, and when I didn’t she felt stuck. So, she had been secretly sabotaging my kosher kitchen to show that “there was nothing different after she cleaned.” Per comments, her parents are hardcore atheists who lost their poo poo over their daughter becoming religious in college, in an unusual twist on a classic form of parent-child alienation.
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May 13, 2024 18:22
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Atheist here, and even I think the mum and extended family enabling her lovely behaviour here are way, way out of line. NTA.
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May 13, 2024 22:34
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That got posted anyway in that thread ages back iirc, or a similar story. I think that might have been more Christian freaks trying to somehow force them to convert. Either way it's th same poo poo. Boundary stompers always need their asses kicked to learn their lesson.
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May 13, 2024 22:41
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bee posted:Atheist here, and even I think the mum and extended family enabling her lovely behaviour here are way, way out of line. NTA. Another atheist, seconding this. Honestly, I would be taking it away just for using an emergency key to casually gently caress around in my house. Let me have some privacy and 'me' space. It would make me paranoid about snooping around my things, judging my house, etc. The lovely behavior about un-Koshering the kitchen just makes it that much more egregious and hateful.
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May 14, 2024 01:19
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Cythereal posted:I decided not to post this in the general /r/relationships thread, but figured it's relevant here. Jewish atheist here and while I am obviously by no means a devout Jew, it's my understanding that if you are trying to keep kosher and somebody else is sabotaging you or there's just an accident and they didn't know to keep your kitchen kosher and didn't tell you they cooked up some pork chops in your oven or something, you are not considered at fault or to have done anything wrong. Judaic law is actually pretty lenient about that kind of stuff and understands that the fact that you made the effort is more important than whether or not you succeeded. Her mother is a huge loving rear end in a top hat and so is the rest of her family but they're also ignorant assholes because they don't even understand the religion they're railing against. Judaism is not Catholicism where now the daughter has to confess that they've been unintentionally breaking kashrut for months. The daughter did nothing wrong and if she asks, her rabbi will tell her so. The only thing the mother actually accomplished was showing her daughter just how untrustworthy she is and also forcing her daughter to do a deep clean of the kitchen, which does admittedly kind of suck.
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May 14, 2024 01:36
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pretty weird how that person that calls themselves an atheist was doing hardcore witchcraft
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May 14, 2024 01:37
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Ghostnuke posted:I'm having a great mothers day knowing that I never have to see or talk to her again 
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May 14, 2024 02:27
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A ton of atheists never really weaned themselves off all the worst parts of the religion they were raised with. Especially assuming that God is looking for any reason to punish other people. And in general 'God' being interchangeable with 'your abusive father'.
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May 14, 2024 02:32
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Ghost Leviathan posted:A ton of atheists never really weaned themselves off all the worst parts of the religion they were raised with. Especially assuming that God is looking for any reason to punish other people. And in general 'God' being interchangeable with 'your abusive father'. Very true
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May 14, 2024 03:34
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Cythereal posted:I decided not to post this in the general /r/relationships thread, but figured it's relevant here. This has gently caress all to do with atheism. I will even argue it has little to do with judaism. This is arsehole mum saying "you are doing something that i dont do. You are taking this thing seriously, and it is bringing you peace/joy. I will not stand for that. So i will undeemine it in a way i can later use in a gotcha 'see it wasnt important and you were stupd to care' way"
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May 14, 2024 04:20
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Or to simplify even further it’s someone going in your house without asking and doing something you don’t want them to do, specifically because you don’t want them to do it. Can’t be having that..
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May 14, 2024 04:22
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Don't come into my space uninvited for any reason, and if your reason is to actively gently caress with me, then triple word score on "rejected". Like, how childish. I bet mom thought she was clever with all that poo poo.
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May 14, 2024 05:48
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bee posted:Atheist here, and even I think the mum and extended family enabling her lovely behaviour here are way, way out of line. NTA. Same. Like, what harm does a kosher kitchen cause? None as far as I know. But being so offended by it that you're willing to nuke any trust your kid had in you is definitely harmful.
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May 14, 2024 06:38
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I'm as reddit atheist/anti-theist as possible and they were so out of line. What happened to live and let live????
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May 14, 2024 12:42
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Seven Force posted:I'm as reddit atheist/anti-theist as possible and they were so out of line. We used to say that. But in this everchanging world in which we live in, we gave it a try and changed it.
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May 14, 2024 12:46
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BrigadierSensible posted:We used to say that. It's enough to make you give in and cry.
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May 14, 2024 12:51
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BrigadierSensible posted:We used to say that. I know I did Seven Force fucked around with this message at 18:58 on May 14, 2024 |
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May 14, 2024 15:20
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BrigadierSensible posted:This has gently caress all to do with atheism. I will even argue it has little to do with judaism. yeah, the r/relationships thread is full of stories of people pulling poo poo like that in order to prove that food allergies aren't real
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May 14, 2024 17:45
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There was that woman who decided to poison her granddaughter because no one's allergic to coconut oil, you're just being silly. Mandatory caveat that it's best to assume all anecdotes on Reddit are fake.
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May 14, 2024 17:54
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I've been reading up about Emotional Neglect (in very small doses because it feels so uncomfortable to think this way) and have also told my sister about it and bought her Running on Empty No More. She's found it really revelatory, so thank you. However, the emerging understanding for me of how differently the same childhood has affected us has been troubling me. There's only 2 years between us, but we're completely different personalities, largely because I'm ND (adult diagnosis) and she's not (as far as we know). Didn't get along as kids/teens and have only really become proper sisters rather than amiable acquaintances in the last couple of years, spanning my dad's illness and death. We both took a big leap of faith and talked honestly to each other and it turned out to be very worthwhile. Anyway, trying to keep it short, she has a lot of hurt and resentment from the way we were brought up, almost entirely focussing on our mother. My dad was far more distant but we found as adults that he was both autistic and had severe depression. We both agree he was a great dad once he retired, so for about 15 years, and that considering his conditions and childhood he coped very well really. She seems to forgive him completely but blames our mother. I don't blame either of them, they are both a product of their own families and of growing up in the 60s (gender stereotypes and nuclear family tropes, not hippies sadly!) I'm close to our mum and I find it hard to see her the way my sister does. For eg, if you've read the book, I'd see her as a type 2 (struggling) parent and my sister sees her as type 3 (closer to self centered/sociopathic- the words the author chooses don't help and I think 3 types is too few tbh). We definitely had very different needs as children and do as adults, which I assume is why. I am committed to listening to my sister and not questioning her feelings because they are as valid as mine. I wondered if anyone had a similar situation with no one being the Golden Child but siblings perceiving their shared upbringing very differently?
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May 14, 2024 19:43
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As an example, my parents were both low key hoarder, they didn't keep rubbish but did keep everything else like old tools, cardboard boxes for defunct appliances, multiple xmas trees and the house was always very cluttered. My sister and I also shared a bedroom and I was not very tidy. The state of the house didn't affect me because home was my refuge from the boredom, frustration and confusion of school and childhood in general. I didn't have (my few) friends round! For her it was really embarrassing because she had a lot of friends and would go to their lovely neat houses but didn't want to invite them round. Recently she mentioned that she would try to tidy sometimes in the dining room/dumping ground and my parents would tell her off for fussing and complain they now couldn't find anything. She thought I remembered but I don't. Ashamed to say I was so absorbed in my own misery and stress, I noticed very little about her life other than it seemed great lol (she liked school, was popular, had boyfriends etc).
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May 14, 2024 19:51
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Halloween Jack posted:There was that woman who decided to poison her granddaughter because no one's allergic to coconut oil, you're just being silly. Mandatory caveat that it's best to assume all anecdotes on Reddit are fake. I think this is getting mixed up with the absolutely tragic one where a grandmother always tsks at the mother for not taking care of the daughter's hair properly with coconut oil...but the daughter has a coconut allergy - in that one, it's not clear if MIL didn't believe in the allergy, or had some immense lack of judgement. But probably it was she didn't believe it/take it seriously, yeah. The kid asks for braids and the grandmother uses coconut oil to do the braids, then puts her to sleep. Gma gives the kid some benadryl to calm the allergic reaction, but leaves the coconut oil on her and so the benadryl just makes her sluggish and unable to react and the girl dies in her sleep. It lives in my mind because OP responds to her mother's pleas to let her back into her life with: "You can come see me when you bring my daughter with you." https://rareddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/7qmed5/you_can_come_over_again_when_you_bring_me_my StrangersInTheNight fucked around with this message at 20:13 on May 14, 2024 |
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May 14, 2024 19:58
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May as well update: So I uprooted from a hotel in NJ after a very unsuccessful job hunt and moved back to Northern California to live in a trailer in my aunt's backyard  Its not terrible, I'm staying in a big travel trailer with water/power so I effectively have my own comfortable tiny apartment, and I've been making some extra cash doing handyman stuff for my aunt. However, its still very much in RejectedParents - my aunt on my mother's side totally narced to my mother within a couple of days of returning, then my mother reached out to my aunt on my dad's side whom I'm staying with to confirm. Of course my mother stayed on her bullshit and told my aunt to not tell me that she knew I had returned, because originally my mother was planning to ambush me on a random day. Fortunately the aunt I'm staying with put the kibosh on that, but also since then my-suspected-narcissistic aunt has been hounding me semi-daily to try and reconcile with my mother, despite vocalizing numerous, numerous times that I have zero interest in ever being in the same room as my mother. Also my-suspected-narcissistic aunt has been working (i'm sure she thinks  casually ) mother-related talking points into every conversation. It feels like my own version of Scheherazade - every time my aunt suggests reconciling, I unleash another true story about at a time my mother abused me (whether it was physical, emotional, or fiscal). There's been some moments that were tense for me, because I had to play a lot of word games to deflect/disarm my aunt, but as long as I keep doing work for her I think she's satisfied to keep me around as some sort of weird indentured servant. Its a precarious position - my aunt has already played some weird games with texting me about potential side jobs to make some extra cash, only for them to mysteriously vanish when I vaguely asked about what I'd be doing or how much I'd get paid. I have exactly enough money for food and nothing else, although tbf that isn't the worst. as a  side note - the aunt I'm staying with is very much a hoarder, also she lives in my grandparents/my old house (In one way or another, every family member on my dad's side has lived here on and off for 60+ years. I lived here while I went to high school) and the place is loving trashed
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May 15, 2024 20:06
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Been lurking this thread for a long time and just got triggered by a post in the r/relationships thread (for the first time). I grew up in America but all of my family are immigrants from a Eastern European country. I was the fat kid in my family and I was always treated as non-human. Both sides have issues, but my mom's side has always been the worst. My mom's side was beyond enmeshed. I don't even know what to label them as, but they have always seemed some sort of neurodivergent. Me being the fat kid broke their brains. I was to be hidden and not heard from. When no one was around, my mom would be nice to me and "spoil" me, but if any of her side found out, they would argue with her. My whole life I was "dissuaded" by them in anything I showed interest in. If they saw me doing homework they'd say I was showing off or that it didn't matter because I was too dumb. Every hobby or interest I showed they would poo poo on or take away from me. In 3rd grade and have friends? They're obviously bad people, why would good kids be my friend? For years, I couldn't even wear clothes I wanted. If what I was wearing wasn't all black, then it meant I was looking for attention or I was bringing attention to myself, and that was BAD. I was told by everyone I'm related to (at one point or another) that I didn't deserve anything for being fat. I was told once by a relative to just lock myself in a room for 2 years and then I could worry about friends,hobbies,etc after I starved myself. I can not understate how stupid I was made to feel. In the last couple of years, I've tried to improve myself. I have a job (just got a raise) that pays me more than these people will ever make, but I feel so empty and angry all the time. I'm constantly thinking about the opportunities and things I could've done if I wasn't called fat and stupid for decades. I see kids that are encouraged and supported and I can't help but think "why not me"? What did my family expect? I spend so much time thinking back on things and getting angry. I know for these people its just "beep boop undesirable in eyesight", but I would give anything to see inside their heads.
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May 16, 2024 19:25
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Peg Sliderskew posted:
My brother feels that his childhood was abusive and neglectful in ways I don't recognise at all. I'm older than him, but by less than two years, so we grew up side by side. And our house was a long way from perfect, but it feels as if I've moved in the direction of forgiveness and he's gone further into anger over some of what happened. It's complicated. I don't want to say he didn't experience what he experienced. He definitely took more poo poo than me just because I was very quiet, ND, book-smart, and he was rambunctious and noisy and didn't behave well a lot of the time. So who knows? We could both be right.
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May 16, 2024 19:39
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CoffeeBoofer posted:"why not me"? What did my family expect? I can't answer these questions but it was wrong for them to treat you that way
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May 16, 2024 19:59
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HopperUK posted:My brother feels that his childhood was abusive and neglectful in ways I don't recognise at all. I'm older than him, but by less than two years, so we grew up side by side. And our house was a long way from perfect, but it feels as if I've moved in the direction of forgiveness and he's gone further into anger over some of what happened. It's complicated. I don't want to say he didn't experience what he experienced. He definitely took more poo poo than me just because I was very quiet, ND, book-smart, and he was rambunctious and noisy and didn't behave well a lot of the time. So who knows? We could both be right. This is pretty similar to my experience. I'm the younger sibling and my older sibling did not have the same experience that I did. I've thought about this a lot and the conclusion I came to is that it's because our parents weren't malicious - they're just mentally ill and not entirely there cognitively due to drug use and TBIs from their wild partying youth days. So when my older sibling was born they were all about being parents and did everything they should have, and by the time I was born a couple years later they were fed up with it and didn't care anymore. And similarly for any "parenting challenge" or whatever that happened as we grew up - they'd do the right thing with my sibling and then not care enough to try a few years later when it came up for me. I think they looked at a lot of the effort they put in to my sibling and realized it didn't make their lives any better/easier so they decided not to put the effort into me. Like for example my parents bought my sibling a car when they turned 16, and another one a few years later because sibling didn't like the first one - but they refused to even teach me how to drive, much less buy me a car or even let me use theirs. Parents co-signed on school loans for my sibling and paid for their first apartment while they were at college - I had to pay my own way through community college. Sibling got a brand new wardrobe of brand-name clothes every school year, I got one outfit of store-brand walmart clothes every year. Sibling was allowed to participate in extracurricular activities/sports at school, but I strictly disallowed from doing anything other than walking straight home after school. And whenever our parents were frustrated, they'd take it out on me - like grounding me for a month or more at a time, meanwhile anything my sibling did was okay with them, like when they got caught drinking at school and suspended there was no problem with that at all. They hit me when I was very little but I don't think they ever did that to my sibling. I mean these things are definitely not the worst things they did to me but they highlight the difference between our experiences. So these days we definitely have very different opinions on what our childhoods were like, and my sibling is pretty close to my parents but I don't like being around them at all. And all three of them still act like I'm the one in the wrong about the whole thing these days. deep dish peat moss fucked around with this message at 20:17 on May 16, 2024 |
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May 16, 2024 20:05
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In my family, I had a very different upbringing because I was the only daughter. My needs and desires were completely suppressed because "you're just better at being flexible than your brothers" or "you're better at taking care of others" or "they need it more" or "they'll throw a fit, just suck it up" and my younger brother (golden child) doesn't believe any of that, while my older brother realizes that our upbringings were completely different, even if he doesn't understand exactly how, and he feels really bad about it. I told him it's not his fault, obviously, but just the fact that he realizes and I'm not crazy means so much to me. 
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May 16, 2024 21:08
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Peg Sliderskew posted:We definitely had very different needs as children and do as adults, which I assume is why. I am committed to listening to my sister and not questioning her feelings because they are as valid as mine. I wondered if anyone had a similar situation with no one being the Golden Child but siblings perceiving their shared upbringing very differently?
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May 16, 2024 21:15
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HopperUK posted:My brother feels that his childhood was abusive and neglectful in ways I don't recognise at all. I'm older than him, but by less than two years, so we grew up side by side. And our house was a long way from perfect, but it feels as if I've moved in the direction of forgiveness and he's gone further into anger over some of what happened. It's complicated. I don't want to say he didn't experience what he experienced. He definitely took more poo poo than me just because I was very quiet, ND, book-smart, and he was rambunctious and noisy and didn't behave well a lot of the time. So who knows? We could both be right. My brother and I have the same issue (though I'm 6 years older than him). We both recognize that our mother had flaws and issues, but often disagree on what, exactly, they were, to the point where I was surprised that he agreed that he was the "favorite" (relative term here). If you made me armchair diagnose anything, I'd say it's that she never really understood me. Not in a "You don't get it, mom" way, but in a sense that like, because I never got super angry about things, I got a reputation as the "even keeled one". Of course, when you're a kid without a ton of self-confidence to begin with, being complemented like that means that it becomes the thing you have to maintain at all costs, no matter how bothered you are by something in reality. So I became the kid who did his best to never cause problems, always be quiet, always be hidden, and I don't think my mom really knew how to process "This kid can be really mad and hurt despite not acting like how I think a kid who was in a bad place can act".
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May 16, 2024 21:18
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Your family sounds like a bunch of lovely idiots and you should do some therapy to unpack your feelings, if you have access to therapy
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May 16, 2024 21:45
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big cummers ONLY posted:Your family sounds like a bunch of lovely idiots and you should do some therapy to unpack your feelings, if you have access to therapy I agree with this. I hope you have access to therapy and give your family extremely limited access to you My sister and I actually just had a conversation not too long ago about how we were all treated badly in different ways by my dad. I was treated great by him until I became older and figured out I had agency. He treated my sister terribly when she was young and their relationship only got better when she got into a bad spot and he had to swoop in financially. Dad was not a big fan of women unless he could control them and had nothing to do it with but money. My brother who never got out from under dad's thumb could do no wrong to my dad. No matter how many jams my bro got in to, dad swept in - no problem. No matter what he wanted as a kid he got it so it follows that if he wanted a mini van at the age of 40 my dad was on it. And now my bro is in lots of jams with less and less money to bail him out, and not a lot of skills to even try. So that's fun. Thanks, dad!
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May 16, 2024 22:11
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Minotaurus Rex fucked around with this message at 06:31 on May 26, 2024 |
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May 17, 2024 00:31
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I'm stuck taking care of my Mom and I loving hate it. She needed me to drive her to her Drs appointment, and gave me the general area where it was. She didn't tell me she'd never been there before until after I drove through the township and passed everything. We were 15 minutes late but they took her anyway, so at least it wasn't a total waste of gas. I told her if I don't know where we're going, we're either leaving an hour early or I'm not driving her anymore. gently caress.
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May 22, 2024 16:07
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