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I worked with a guy who conspired with a contractor working at the shop to steal massive quantities of shopfittings that were otherwise going to scrap metal. He got enough to open a newsagency using the recycled shop fittings. Then quit and opened a newsagency.
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Nov 6, 2016 07:16
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I used to work at this lovely restaurant owned and run (poorly) by a lovely family. One evening I accidentally caught on the security cam the son of the family loving his girlfriend in the rear end in the alley behind the restaurant. It was recorded and is probably still floating around the camera system somewhere. They are not people you'd want to watch performing this activity. It was terrible, like hobosex.
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Nov 6, 2016 19:05
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Madness posted:The guy who works behind me watches hard-core porn all day, we work in a back area with no foot traffic. The funny thing is the random.. Hey madness he's really banging this chic, check it out. Then my response "so it seems he is co-worker". What the hell? That is way out of the bounds of normalcy.
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Nov 6, 2016 19:10
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I was 18 and working in a deli with a bald man from Georgia. We were chit chatting about the Tibetan Book of the Dead and drugs and stuff so I ask him for a ride home. While I'm talking, being a teenager and pretty absorbed in myself, he drops the line, "I've got Astroglide," no less than 3 times. The 3rd time it sank into my thick skull that he wanted to either rear end gently caress or be rear end hosed by me in the back of his car. I got out and walked a few miles home.
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Nov 6, 2016 19:13
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How could I forget- I actually have a doozie of coworker story. He was a rather rotund individual, enhanced thusly by his total lack of neck, features, and hair. This was further self-fulfilling by his name, which although I feel that I shouldn't actually say as hilarious as it was, I will say that his nick name derived thereof which he willingly embraced was "Baconator". Baconator was an extremely nerdy individual as to be expected and this wouldn't seem so horrible at face value except that, well frankly he smelled, and eventually would launch into exaggerated epics relating to either D&D campaigns he apparently played or things that is WoW clan was up to. As people began to sort of accept his bizarre brand of bullshit, he became more comfortable, and thusly started getting more... Liberal with the stories he would tell, not just related to gaming but stuff that apparently happened to him starting out as kinda unlikely situations and quickly escalating to batshit insane escapades that could never happen to anyone ever. Like that time he saw a bunch of state troopers (it was like six cars) all pull into that neighborhood over there while he was talking down the sidewalk and when he asked the cops there what was going on they were all like "move along sir." Or that time he got into a fight and had to break that guy's arm "in like, three different places" Or that time he sex with an entire family??? I only know the basic gist of that one. So he's a compulsive liar. Like he literally can't stop himself from making up stories. He eventually goes to therapy or something for it while also occasionally coming up with ridiculous excuses to leave work early. My favorite one was the time his throat was hurting (and see you know he's not lying because he's talking like his throat hurts. Ingenious) because the chicken tenders he had for lunch scratched it up. We eventually get a note saying he can no longer speak and needs to go home. Anyway, he gets fired for something minor but again not surprising- ringing himself out for snacks at the register in the middle of the night. Now for the climax: He comes into the store every now and then until one day we all hear in the news he's been arrested for child pornography. Allegedly it was a sting wherein he planned to sell some of his "wares" to a fellow pedophile (cop). Somehow they paid his bail and he was out for a little while- and a friend who had worked with me ran into him and, as enjoyed listening to him spin his crazy yarns, heard him say that he can't find his laptop anywhere and that he's pretty sure his landlord stole it!!! Then he goes right to prison like two months later for the same poo poo. And that's the story of Baconator. 
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Nov 6, 2016 20:37
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When I was seventeen, I had a coworker that would let me touch her tits if I took her to Applebee's after work.
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Nov 6, 2016 21:05
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lol i took a coworker to applebees and then she sucked my dick next to the dumpster of a convenience store she wanted to have sex with me and i was like lol no you just sucked a guys dick next to a dumpster, then i quit the job
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Nov 6, 2016 21:06
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pants in my pants posted:My coworkers are all obese except for one.
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Nov 6, 2016 21:21
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A coworker who started about a month and a half ago came out as trans (male to female), which is whatever, but she is such an insufferable baby now. Things she has been triggered by now include the word pussy, people asking her about cosmetics, people accidentally calling her by her male name, using the wrong pronouns, and my personal favorite, a coat rack that didn't have her female name. She talks about murdering someone who homed her dog, with details that are extremely unsettling, and how much she hates all men. When someone showed pictures of their Halloween costume which was a really sweet day of the dead face paint, she told this person she was appropriating a culture. She's getting a pass on a bunch of bullshit like not showing up for shifts, bullying people, and the previously mentioned crap.
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Nov 6, 2016 21:43
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i do NOT like BBQ posted:A coworker who started about a month and a half ago came out as trans (male to female), which is whatever, but she is such an insufferable baby now. Things she has been triggered by now include the word pussy, people asking her about cosmetics, people accidentally calling her by her male name, using the wrong pronouns, and my personal favorite, a coat rack that didn't have her female name. She talks about murdering someone who homed her dog, with details that are extremely unsettling, and how much she hates all men. When someone showed pictures of their Halloween costume which was a really sweet day of the dead face paint, she told this person she was appropriating a culture. She's getting a pass on a bunch of bullshit like not showing up for shifts, bullying people, and the previously mentioned crap. i mean its incredibly lovely to deadname somebody so yeah
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Nov 6, 2016 22:09
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Worked in IT and a non IT co-worker would complain about everything. When her complaints got around to the seats, computers, tables, we got her ergonomic everything. loving foot stools, gel pads for her wrists, anti-glare shields for the monitors, a $200 special orthopedic office chair for her so called bad back, EVERYTHING. Then we got her an ergonomic keyboard that SHE chose. It was the type where the bank of keys are split and angled, not all in a straight row. Within a week of this new keyboard she complained about it, and we denied changing it to another she selected out. She complained to HR, and stated a complaint process against us. I left before it ended as my contact was up, but I heard her office was given a Health and Safety check, told it was the best ever office in the whole place and told to accept what she had or quit. She then went on sick leave citing 'distress', they canned her after 6 months, then she tried to sue them for canning her. That failed instantly, and last I heard she is on unemployment. Left a £40000 a year job over petty poo poo and now sitting at home doing gently caress all. happyhippy fucked around with this message at 22:29 on Nov 6, 2016 |
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Nov 6, 2016 22:27
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One of my co-workers tried to firebomb a mall's foodcourt with a molotov cocktail. The thing is he completely hosed it up and instead it just got oil everywhere and he got caught before he could try it again some where else. But how do you gently caress up a molotov cocktail?
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Nov 6, 2016 22:52
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BexGu posted:One of my co-workers tried to firebomb a mall's foodcourt with a molotov cocktail. The thing is he completely hosed it up and instead it just got oil everywhere and he got caught before he could try it again some where else. But how do you gently caress up a molotov cocktail? What did he have against Sbarro's?
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Nov 6, 2016 23:00
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The hospital I work at has zero consequences for fuckups. Have a co worker who once connected a patient to a ventilator, didn't turn it on, and the patient died. He got a one week vacation and had to give a presentation reminding the department to turn the ventilator on. Got a manager on day shift who carried an "E" tank of oxygen into an MRI field and nearly crushed a premature baby. They had to do an emergency shutdown of the machine (costing roughly a quarter of a million dollars due to the high cost of helium) and he got to give a presentation to every department reminding them not to bring oxygen tanks into the MRI field. Isn't academic medicine wonderful?
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Nov 6, 2016 23:33
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One of my co-workers was fired for not doing his job for 30 years. He was in a feild of scientific research and copied all his findings/publications from a Chinese guy. For 30 years he just read and translated another person's work, publishing it as his own. Amazing effort imo.
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Nov 7, 2016 00:11
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yoloer420 posted:One of my co-workers was fired for not doing his job for 30 years. He was in a feild of scientific research and copied all his findings/publications from a Chinese guy. Lmbo reminds me of that verizon guy that was a programmer that outsourced all of his assignments for a pittance and did gently caress all
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Nov 7, 2016 00:17
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EVIL NOONER posted:Lmbo reminds me of that verizon guy that was a programmer that outsourced all of his assignments for a pittance and did gently caress all since reading that story i think about it a few times a year and wonder why the hell i'm not doing that
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Nov 7, 2016 01:23
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EVIL NOONER posted:Lmbo reminds me of that verizon guy that was a programmer that outsourced all of his assignments for a pittance and did gently caress all I think was Lockhead Martin but yeah it was pretty great story of putting outsourcing to good use. He was paid $120k a year and it only cost around 15k to send his coding projects to a chinese developer.
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Nov 7, 2016 01:27
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My first job outta school was a welders assistant and so I would cut aluminium to length for him and he was a really rough sort, kept hardcore porn in the bathrooms and when I casually mentioned that I'd looked at one while taking a poo poo and then the next time I used the bathroom the pages were all wavy and hard and to this day I'm convinced he jizzed all over it to discourage anyone else from ever reading it, even though he still happily left them sitting on the cistern of the common toilet we all used
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Nov 7, 2016 01:29
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drowned in pussy juice posted:My first job outta school was a welders assistant and so I would cut aluminium to length for him and he was a really rough sort, kept hardcore porn in the bathrooms and when I casually mentioned that I'd looked at one while taking a poo poo and then the next time I used the bathroom the pages were all wavy and hard and to this day I'm convinced he jizzed all over it to discourage anyone else from ever reading it, even though he still happily left them sitting on the cistern of the common toilet we all used why the gently caress would you touch another persons bathroom porn
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Nov 7, 2016 01:30
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Once I was working in a nightclub as a glassie and my boss sent me out to buy some stuff for the first aid kid from the 7-11 and the owners nephew who also worked there told me to grab a lightbulb for his uncles office, but not a frosted bulb so I get back give him the bulb and he turns it into a crack pipe on the spot and throws a rock of meth in there and offers me some like just tell me you need a lightbulb to smoke crack you found on the floor dude nobody cares
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Nov 7, 2016 01:31
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EVIL NOONER posted:why the gently caress would you touch another persons bathroom porn I assumed it was common porn given that it lived in the bathroom we all shared
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Nov 7, 2016 01:32
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Like I've jerked off to too many forest pornos as a kid to be precious about this sort of thing and I'm surprised this is even a point of contention
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Nov 7, 2016 01:35
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The owner of a bar I worked at once gave me 500 dollars to buy coke for him and then fired me when I came back with the 500 because everyone seemed really sketchy and it was kind of like the parable prodigal son if the father was frantically waving a Bowie knife around while yelling in Russian at you
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Nov 7, 2016 01:37
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Once a coworker got so drunk during a shift that he pissed his pants and kept serving drinks and to his testament the drinks were fine
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Nov 7, 2016 01:46
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Worked the retail section of a bakery once. All of the employees were college aged or midtwenties at the latest. There was this girl named Sarah who was just awful, fat with white girl dreads and that whole unwashed hippie thing. Probably 22 years old. She once told me that the reason I didn't believe in astrology was because I'm a virgo. Gross. But it gets better. My dad died a couple of years ago (at the time of this story) and the anniversary was a tough day of the year for me. I went to work but I was a bit morose and decided to tell a few people that I'd prefer doing grunt work to direct customer interaction that day, as I clearly wasn't feeling so cheery. This was fine with everyone, there's plenty of other things that needed doing, but everyone there understood what had happened and I might like to be left alone that day. So I'm slicing bread on this big industrial slicer, and about 8 feet away from me there's stinky, sweaty, patchwork-skirt wearing Sarah bagging bread. She, with no provocation whatsoever, starts announcing to everyone the details of her latest dream. She's  , coworker is  . I'm just slicin' bread. I had the worst dream last night! It was so awful, you wouldn't believe it! Oh? Yeah! the worst dream I've had in suuuuch a long time. It was a nightmare. Oh. What was it about. I dreamed my DAD died! It was SO sad! I can't imagine what would happen if he died! I love my dad sooo much, the dream was soooo real! I can't believe how sad it was. I cried all morning. I think I need a hug, or to sit down for a while. It was just so REAL! Don't you think that's sad? I have to go sit down for a minute...it's too much. Thank god it's not real! I couldn't imaaagine what that would be like! Ugh!
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Nov 7, 2016 02:06
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I work in scientific research and I have a recent co-worker that has been the most frustrating person to work with. He's a short Persian man in his late 40s. He's our chemist in our 4 person academic lab who has the luxury of having his own office. An older guy who believes by seniority(literally being older, not by being around longest) that he should be owed the position of lab manager. He was not allowed this position and he was not a fan. His office allows him to be lazy with little to no supervision. He thinks hes more cleaver than ever body else. He does as little work as possible while trying to maintain the appearance of putting in actual work. This is fairly obvious if you know how the machines we use work or how to read what he's assigned the machines to do. He often times repeats stuff or does pointless rounds of blanks through the machine to maintain the appearance of work. He fudges numbers when it suits him and puts his best work, often a bit doctored, forward when it comes to meetings. When called he'll often outright lie on the spot to cover up what he's done. He refuses to communicate via email because 'we work so close together' yet lie or omit details of said conversations when problems arise. When he's putting together small amounts of work to keep his job he fucks off to his office to day trade or be on the phone. He's been caught on lingerie sites & cheating on his wife through the phone lines at work He's on the phone more than any secretary I've ever worked with, yet he's a chemist who should be putting work on the bench. He claims he's doing research when pushed on it. He routinely gets malware and viruses on his workstation PC and has IT clean it up. It wouldnt casually tell us where he got said malware, but they did tell us he's a serial customer and they internally take bets on when he'll be back next. He disappears for hours on end for vague reasons and is often unchecked to do so since he's separated from us. He's finally being forced into a common area where he can be watch, but I'm not so sure he's going to make it that far. We found out through previous co-workers that he's been applying to local jobs and interviewing during the day without disclosing where he's going. None of those jobs have panned out for him. Furthermore in a recent argument he insinuated I didn't like him because of where hes from and that he's 'dealt with people like me.' Told my boss the most recent scenario and he immediately went to HR in order to head this off and eventually push this guy out since he's so hostile and unreasonable. To be clear I work with a number of people for various parts of the world and I don't have a single issue with any of them. It's been a year and a half of me witnessing a guy put so much effort into not doing work that he could have literally done actual work and kept his job. Too bad he's a serial rear end in a top hat who's had issues with people before my time. Cannot wait until he's gone. It'll be better for everybody. onemanlan fucked around with this message at 02:40 on Nov 7, 2016 |
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Nov 7, 2016 02:26
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I work at home and the current project is a never ending morass of contradictory data management and hypotheticals with semi fictional reporting. Aside from occasional half hearted conversation with my housemate and depressingly stressful Skype meetings with my project manager I don't speak to anyone for days at a time. I have to start a new project and the last one isn't finished yet. I can feel the weeks stretching ahead of me like a hallway lined with hooks and razorblades. Edit: I was going to say something about not having to deal with co-workers. Suckers.
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Nov 7, 2016 02:39
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there was this dude at a facility I worked at one time who had a kind of a brilliantly stupid plan that backfired on him pretty spectacularly. Most offices and workstations in this facility were manned 24/7/365, so homeboy gets a $100k/yr doing shift work in the main workcenter of the place. he was a good worker, never really caused trouble and did fine work. could have rode that gravy train forever if he wanted. what his dumbass did was apply for a DIFFERENT JOB in a DIFFERENT DEPARTMENT of the facility without telling them he already worked there. due to the 24/7 nature of the work going on there, this new second job let him set his own hours as long as he put in 40 a week and met deadlines and all that. dude would come in early, clock into his weird hourly gig then head on down to the work center for his normal 12 hour shift and head back about 6 hours in and clock out before resuming his watch. Dude probably thought he was on to something there with that, because as far as I know he was able to manage both workloads just fine, the problem came when he was found out. Wound up in one of those min security white collar jails for two years for "defrauding government contracts" or something and got forced to pay back all money he earned during the fraudulent period. Can't really blame him for trying. I'd be MORE THAN HAPPY to work two $100k/yr jobs at once, but in this scenario... yeah you can't do that.
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Nov 7, 2016 02:50
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If he was getting the work done, not working for another company and on premises when he was supposed to be, was he really defrauding anyone?
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Nov 7, 2016 02:54
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So the guy did the work of and earned the pay of two people and he wasn't at least promoted or given a raise for being a competent and driven worker?
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Nov 7, 2016 02:56
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Outrail posted:If he was getting the work done, not working for another company and on premises when he was supposed to be, was he really defrauding anyone? I think the critical detail I may have totally left out was mostly the fact he was working for two separate contractors. Like working for Lockheed and BAE at the same time. Needless to say, they were both pissed. E: which additionally ran afoul of the government because of the way hosed up and bizarre ways they hand out contracts and the regulations they enforce regarding them but that whole poo poo is its own separate thread right there
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Nov 7, 2016 02:59
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I'm the only person in my office in their 20s other than 1 other guy who was my referral. This is an office of like 600 people for a major corporation. I have to listen to "kids these days" stories all day long while I ponder what will be left of our company after 20 years when everyone's retired.
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Nov 7, 2016 05:18
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Male Tears posted:I'm the only person in my office in their 20s other than 1 other guy who was my referral. This is an office of like 600 people for a major corporation. I have to listen to "kids these days" stories all day long while I ponder what will be left of our company after 20 years when everyone's retired. they'll never retire
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Nov 7, 2016 05:42
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Wow the first thread in 11 years I would actually dominate
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Nov 7, 2016 06:22
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one of my coworkers is working on her "tupperware business" and promotes it heavily on facebook. she shared one of those LIKE FOR A PRAYER, SHARE FOR 1000 PRAYERS poo poo, it was a small baby blue in the face and extremities laying in a clearing in the woods saying "THIS BABY IS IN ER BUT CRITICAL CONDITION PLEASE LIKE" or whatever poo poo. gaping anuses on sa is whatever but casually browsing my facebook and seeing an obviously dead baby skejfhqwjkehgw48i9hgiorehjborehj
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Nov 7, 2016 09:06
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I had a very smelly coworker once.
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Nov 7, 2016 09:13
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I'm the guy who takes a walk around the office to let a string of mean farts. Sorry everyone
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Nov 7, 2016 12:29
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I have a coworker who is hiding bad data on material to replace the current personal protective equipment meant to shield people from radioactive contamination. The new stuff is actually worse protection than what has been used before. The bad material is from the former company he worked at... where he was the CTO. He might even have a percentage in that company still.
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Nov 7, 2016 14:30
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Beep boop, I'm the poorly programmed robot and/or lizardperson totally incapable of teamwork rhythm, following any task or process not explained in excruciating detail verbally and visually (and once a week), Left on my own I will settle with the slowest + most physically difficult and nonsensical methods of doing work and then quietly complain about being sore and tired and let my share pile up for my co-workers. Will periodically go into standby mode even in front of supervisors if not reminded to continue working. Relative of a manager, I assume. With his robot personality surely gotta be homeschooled or else he'd have shot it up. Chill supervisor has repeatedly asked for him to be fired, but manager says no. He remains, providing many 'wait what the gently caress is he doing now?' moments daily while the company circles downward in the 'restructuring' toilet.
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Nov 7, 2016 15:01
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