Pakled posted:

Forgive the reddit, but

walrusman posted:

First off, gently caress those idiots and their hashtag abuse. Hashtags are bad enough when used correctly.

edit: walrusman dreams of holding author's head in the toilet

walrusman posted:

Okay, who's up for a round of "what actually happened."



First off, gently caress those idiots and their hashtag abuse. Hashtags are bad enough when used correctly.

What actually happened: A science teacher was doing a demo in front of the class, and mentioned that although the pumice could float in water, it would sink in alcohol. This dweeb drifted off into dreamland and fantasized about what would happen if one of those dirty sexhaving jocks brought alcohol into school (can you imagine?). Having never been invited to a party, the author assumes all forms of alcoholic beverage are not only flammable but also explosive. Author posts on tumblr. Author's story is believed without question because everyone on tumblr is a shut-in dweeb.

edit: walrusman dreams of holding author's head in the toilet

Rudager posted:

I don't even understand what dropping a match into a mystery substance was supposed to achieve.

A Fancy 400 lbs posted:

Because it didn't happen.

walrusman posted:

solves mysteries by setting them on fire

Khazar-khum posted:

Best part is, of course, that the hashtag abuser writes it was a female science teacher, while the picture shows a man.

Khazar-khum posted:

Best part is, of course, that the hashtag abuser writes it was a female science teacher, while the picture shows a man.

Khazar-khum posted:

Best part is, of course, that the hashtag abuser writes it was a female science teacher, while the picture shows a man.

quote:

Low On The Milk Of Human Kindness
Supermarket | West Sussex, England, UK | Food & Drink, Math & Science, Wild & Unruly

(My wife and I do our weekly shop every Monday. My wife’s a primary school teacher and has a very calm, nature. She’s also practiced judo since early childhood, runs a class at weekends, and has a self-defense class that uses non-excessive force. My wife has offered to get the ingredients for her school to make pancakes the next day, as it is the day before Shrove Tuesday (Pancake Day). Most ingredients are shared but we need 14 two-pint jugs of milk. My wife is at the pancake display. There are loads of ready made, ready mix, and separate ingredient on display. My wife is counting out the 14 jugs of milk, when another customer approaches.)

Customer: “Jesus, lady, leave some for the rest of us.”

Wife: *looking at the display* “I’m sure there’s enough for everyone.”

(My wife moves the trolley to try and leave.)

Customer: “Stuck-up b****.”

(My wife carries on moving as she has what she needs.)

Customer: *moving his trolley to block my wife* “Hey, don’t ignore me. I asked you a question.”

Wife: “No, you didn’t. You told me to leave some, even though there’s more than enough. Then you called me a stuck-up b****. Please move your trolley so I can get away from you.”

Customer: “How many you got in there? 14?” *he takes two milks out* “Now you only have 10.”

Wife: “Not only are you rude, you’re also an idiot. 14 minus 2 is 10.” *reaches out and gets two more milks* “Now there’s 14 again.”

(She moves her trolley quickly around the man. By now people are starting to stare. I make a move to go to her but she gives me a look so I stay where I am. The man takes a step towards her and puts his hand around her wrist.)

Customer: “You think you’re better than me, b****?!”

Wife: *very calmly* “Sir, I have tried to ignore you’re insults and politely asked you to move. You will not leave me alone. Now you have placed you hands on me in a threatening manner. This is considered assault. If you do not let go of me NOW I am within my rights to defend myself. Do you understand?”

(The customer just looks at her as if she’s spoken another language.)

Wife: “I have given you fair warning. I am obliged to warn you that I know judo. Please let go of me.”

(My wife tries to move her arm but he holds a little tighter.)

Customer: “You think you can hurt me, you b—”

(My wife uses the heel of her hand to strike the man in the face, causing his nose to bleed. She then flips him, where he lands with an almighty crash half on the floor and half on the display. While he is laying, screaming, she bends his index finger back (without breaking it) so he cannot get away. We hear heavy footsteps as security and staff comes running. People are just standing around, amazed.)

Security Guard: “What’s going on? Miss, you need to let go of him now, please.”

Wife: *very calmly* “This man was very rude and abusive to me. I asked him several times to leave me alone but he held my arm. I warned him I know judo, but he decided to hold on tighter. I then defended myself against a personal attack.

(The police were called and the man was taken away. My wife, I, and a few other customers were questioned by police as to what happened. As we all said the same thing, and my wife did not use excessive force, we were all told to go on our way. The supermarket donated the pancake ingredients to the school and my wife and I received £500 in vouchers. The customer has been banned from that store and the other major supermarkets in the area.)

Khazar-khum posted:

Be warned, I know judo!

quote:

a self-defense class that uses non-excessive force

My Lovely Horse posted:

I want to go to the other self-defense class.

booshi posted:

I've never been to England but surely they have milk in larger containers than 2 pints?

also your math is broken 14-2 = 10

booshi posted:

also your math is broken 14-2 = 10

MyFaceBeHi posted:

Glad I wasn't the only one who noticed that. A Top STDH Top Tip: when making poo poo up to fool people that it is real make sure you proof read!

Yes, I know that no one on these stupid sites actually "proof reads" beyond changing the name of whatever place they are at to [well known store/company/call centre].

Sebastian Vettel posted:

4 and 8 pints, so I have no idea why anyone would buy 14 two-pint bottles when you could get the amount of milk you need in four bottles.

Lowly posted:

I don't think that guy really understands "non-excessive force," though he goes out of his way to say it multiple times.

Sardonik posted:

My favorite martial arts STDH, a couple 100 pages back now I think, complete with "news" article, talked about how somebody used an Aikido Kick on somebody. Aikido explicitly has no offensive kicking techniques.

HOOLY BOOLY posted:

It's like everybody in these things are Mojo Jojo from The Powerpuff Girls. That or they are secretly androids that have be so stiff and mechanical in their speech. As per protocol of course.

Khazar-khum posted:

Most ingredients are shared but we need 14 two-pint jugs of milk. My wife is at the pancake display. There are loads of ready made, ready mix, and separate ingredient on display.

jezebel posted:

"Customer: Are the Jalapeno Poppers spicy?

Me: I mean, they are made from jalapenos, so...

Customer: Oh, I don't like spicy. Can I get them without jalapenos?

Me: Well, they essentially are just fried, stuffed jalapenos, so not really. But the Mozzarella Sticks would be similar, if you don't like spicy food.

Customer: Oh, well I have a gluten allergy, so that won't work either. I'll just try the poppers.

Me: Well, those have gluten too, and like I said, they're spicy.

Customer: What about the breadsticks? Do those have gluten? Are they spicy, too?

Me: Well, basically everything with bread has gluten unless its specially—

Customer: Excuse me, I've been eating bread my whole life, and gluten will literally kill me. I think I'd know if there was gluten in bread. *harumph!*

Me: I generally suggest the salmon as our best gluten-free option.

Customer: Are you trying to kill me?! I just told you I was gluten-free!

At this point I went and got my manager who spoke with the woman for about 15 minutes before finally getting her to order a burger with no bun. When the burger came out, the customer was irate and demanded a pretzel bun be brought out at once."

bringmyfishback posted: