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Dwight arrives in the office and sees a whiteboard has been set up at Jim's desk. On it, there's a stick figure drawing of Jim with a big speech bubble next to it. "HEY THERE BALLOON BOY! I'M OUT SICK TODAY SO PLEASE PRANK YOURSELF IN MY ABSENCE. THANKS!" Dwight looks around. It's early, so the only other person in the office right now is Angela. Dwight picks up the white board and smashes it over his knee, then tosses it in the garbage. But in the back of his mind Dwight feels a strange compulsion to put his stapler in jello. Truth to be told it takes all of Dwight’s willpower to not act on that impulse the whole day. At 5 pm he has a severe headache and has almost achieved nothing thar day. At least he can go home now, he thinks. The next day Jim still appears to be absent but another one of the stick figures with the instruction for Dwight to prank himself is at Jim's desk. Upon seeing this Dwight's headache instantly reappears and he feels like putting laxatives in his morning coffee. He somehow even knows where Jim has stashed them. With a dry mouth and the splitting headache Dwight turns to work. The hours drift by slowly and agonisingly. Dwight gets more and more visions of pranks like kicking himself in the balls or stealing his own piss. But still he makes it to 5pm without incident and drives home with Angela. "This might sound strange, but ... I really hope Jim is back tomorrow", Dwight murmurs. Angela throws a very concerned look at her husband. Next day at work. No Jim. Just the stick figure and the command. Dwight begins to scream, then pours glass shards into his cereals, mass mails all of his clients a cuss filled tirade and goes to the conference room to blow up his Trans-Am through the window with a rocket launcher Dwight pulled out of nowhere. After that Dwight jumps out of the windows and runs crying into the morning traffic. --- Meanwhile in the Scranton hospital a floppy patient bandaged from head to toe is visited by two doctors. "This guy broke every single bone in his body. Unbelievably without any life threatening injuries. Still looking forward to many months of recovery and physical therapy", one doctor reports. The other doctor watches the patient mugging the security camera. Must be his imagination though; how would the floppy patient do that with his face fully covered up.
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Mar 14, 2024 00:03
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| # ? May 31, 2024 00:52 |
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Jim seems uncharacteristically happy today, asking Dwight if he's "got March Madness". Dwight, happy that Jim seems more focused on basketball than pranks, says that he does. "Yeah you do, high five!"" Jim says, jovially. The two paper salesmen high-five and Jim saunters off to the conference room with a smile on his face. In a talking head segment, Jim reveals that Dwight does, indeed, have March Madness. "Martiomania," Jim explains. "That's the Latin word for it. It's a new disease they just discovered, spreads via skin to skin contact. Symptoms include a dangerously high fever, swelling of the tongue, itchy skin, and blurred vision. Eventually, the fever leads to bouts of delusions, paranoia, and hallucinations." The production crew asks Jim how he knows all of this. "Patient zero right here, baby!" Jim mugs for the camera.
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Mar 14, 2024 12:45
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Jim makes Dwight feel so... drat unpretty
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Mar 14, 2024 13:08
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On saint Patrick's day, Dwight foregoes wearing green and sticks to his trusty mustard yellow button down. (He asked Angela if he could wear green socks but she vetoed the idea as she can't support any occult or heathenistic rituals.) Jim pinches Dwight, extra hard. Jim draws blood.
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Mar 15, 2024 14:20
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At the annual Dundie Awards at the Scranton Cultural Center, Michael Scott introduces Jim Halpert to present an award. Jim steps up with a mischievous glint in his eye. He announces the "Best Audience Member" Dundie, claiming it honors the individual's fortitude in laughing at Michael's jokes and clapping even through the dullest skits. The eyes of the audience go wide and gasps can be heard. Jim is on stage naked with only an envelope covering up his private parts. Soon the first dry heaving sounds come from the audience especially since Jim keeps gesturing with the arm holding the envelope. After a few minutes the sight of Jim's misshapen, emasculated body is overwhelming and the office workers (except for Pam who is black out drunk) retch and vomit all over the floor. Jim's speech soon finishes with the revelation that the whole audience is the recipient of the award. By then of course everyone including Michael has left leaving the naked Jim alone in a room full of vomit puddles. Cricket chirps can be heard. --- This is a prank on Dwight since even though he won a record number of Dundies that night Angela is no longer in the mood for intimacy.
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Mar 15, 2024 16:12
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Dwight is dropped off at the fishing village of Seyda Neen. Having answered some basic questions on his background, Dwight is turned loose into the world with instructions to find Caius Cosades in the town of Balmora. Gearing up at the local tradepost, Dwight decides to investigate a nearby cave rather than immediately head to Balmora. Upon loading the interior cell, Dwight cannot react in time to prevent the lurking Jim casting a high-power high-duration Damage Fatigue spell. Dwight collapses to the ground, unable to move as a diseased Tiny Jim repeatedly attacks him, Dwight, for chip damage until his, Dwight's, eventual expiry. The ending of these words is JIMSIVI
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Mar 15, 2024 16:28
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Jim uses Alchemy to hack the game with fortify intelligence, and Alchemy again to create positions worth thousands of gold soon Jim is levitating and casting fireballs on the peasants below like a B2 bomber before eventually losing interest and uninstalling
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Mar 15, 2024 16:36
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Jim writes a long screed about how “Mifflin”, the three-hour epic biopic about Robert Mifflin, who invented a new paper pressing technique but hated himself so much that he eventually committed suicide, won a score of Dundies but was not nearly as good as “Battletoads”, Jim’s movie based on the action figure line (“they aren’t ‘dolls’!”). He blames this on anti-half-man, half-frog chauvinism.
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Mar 15, 2024 16:46
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Jim mods Dwight’s install of Morrowind so that the 36 Lessons of Vivek are now a treatise on the more mystical and esoteric aspects of pranking.
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Mar 15, 2024 17:12
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Jim, nude except for the right side of his body which is covered in yellow bodypaint, floats serenely in the air in a lotus pose, contemplating the mysteries of pranking.
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Mar 15, 2024 17:34
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Jim claims Dwight as a dependent on his taxes. When the IRS investigates, Jim says it was "Dwight's idea" and then claims he doesn't know how to read or write. "I'm a product of the Pennsylvania school system, forgive me. And if you must blame someone for this crime, blame Dwight. He said this would make me rich and famous, then threatened to burn down my home when I refused." Jim mugs for the camera as Dwight is taken in for questioning.
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Mar 15, 2024 17:35
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Jim sues ByteDance, owners of the massively popular TikTok app, over claims of copyright infringement on his own social media platform JimKok. Surprisingly, Judge Fudge (the worst judge in Scranton, possibly all of Pennsylvania) grants a preliminary injunction causing TikTok to be pulled from the app store. Dwight loses access to his fanbase of 1,200 aspiring beet farmers, and in the abselse of a strong leader the beet farming grassroots campaign crumbles. Across the country, community beet farms wither and die without Dwight's expert guadance.
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Mar 15, 2024 18:07
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Jim traps Dwight inside the world of the game Jumanji. Jim takes a poo poo on the board before throwing the game into the fire
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Mar 15, 2024 18:07
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Jim begins stealing and selling Dwight’s semen to sheep ranchers, so that hunters can pursue the half-sheep, half-Dwight offspring at their leisure.
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Mar 15, 2024 18:14
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Jim submits a patent request for a new board game called Jimanji
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Mar 15, 2024 18:17
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Jimanji (essentially just a reskin of Candy Land) becomes a worldwide phenomena. Praised and adored by children and adults alike, critics fawn over the accessibility, as one can be deaf and blind and illiterate and still play. Would be adventurers can choose to play as several heros - Laser Eyes Jim, God of Sex; Kevin Kong; or Poopy Bottom Dwight the Smelly Idiot. Dwight grumbles as children approach him in public, pinching their noses and shouting "yuck!"
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Mar 15, 2024 18:40
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Jim keeps calling Dwight “studmuffin,” which goes to his head m, ultimately causing him to lose friends when he lets his arrogance over his good looks get the better of his humility.
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Mar 15, 2024 18:48
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Jon Krasinski writes and directs "Jimanji: Enter the World of Laser Eyes Jim"; a blockbuster action film in which 3 children are teleported into the world of the popular board game. The movie is a critical and commercial success although many people are disturbed by an odd, out of place scene near the end of the film. As the 3 children wander the jungles of Jimanji they come across a mummified corpse wearing mustard-yellow garb. One of the children picks up the skull and remarks that it has "a big-rear end forehead", then violently tosses the skull to the ground. The other kids remark that mustard yellow is "a color only worn by dumbass beet farmers" and then violently smash the corpse apart with their bare hands. John Krasinski watches the finished scene with a smile on his face and feels something stir in his loins. "Heh, looks like I won't be needing the Flute of Awakenings tonight!" John mugs for the camera.
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Mar 15, 2024 18:49
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Jim writes a series of engaging fantasy novels that quickly become Dwight's favorite. Jim then dies without having written the last one.
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Mar 15, 2024 21:50
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Dwight is over the moon when he hears that his favorite series of engaging fantasy novels is being adapted into a big budget TV series by HBO. He’s even more excited when he hears that the showrunners are huge fans of the novels and are committed to retaining the intricacies of the world and remaining as true as possible to the author’s vision. Jim B. Weiss and Jim Benioff mug for the camera.
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Mar 16, 2024 01:28
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Jim crashes Dwight and Angela’s wedding and eats the entire cake in one sitting before the vows
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Mar 16, 2024 02:05
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Jim crashes Dwight and Angela’s wedding and eats Dwight's new wedding suit in one sitting before the vows
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Mar 16, 2024 02:12
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Jim crashes Dwight and Angela’s wedding and grabs the mic from the best man, then gives a long, rambling speech about h ow he’s always loved, and nurtured secret feelings for the person getting married today, but that he cares about the sanctity of an engagement too much to have ever acted on those feelings. He walks up to Angela, then says “You’d better take good care of him.” Jim rushes over, kisses Dwight full on the lips, then runs crying out of the wedding. Luckily, this was the “decoy” wedding.
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Mar 16, 2024 02:25
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Jim crashes Dwight and Angela's wedding yacht into a cruise ship.
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Mar 16, 2024 02:47
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Jim crashes Dwight and Angel'as computers buying celebrity sex videos he purchased with their cashback rewards cards.
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Mar 16, 2024 02:53
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Erasable Penis posted:Jim writes a series of engaging fantasy novels that quickly become Dwight's favorite. Jim then dies without having written the last one. Posthumously, the final novel is released as a trilogy written by Brandon Sanderson. Ghost Jim mugs from the afterlife.
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Mar 16, 2024 03:02
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Rags to Liches posted:Posthumously, the final novel is released as a trilogy written by Brandon Sanderson. Dwight forever wonders whether Brandon's novels are true to the spirit of the original author or just a cash grab.
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Mar 16, 2024 09:35
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Jim convinces Dwight’s dentist that Dwight is actually famed novelist Brandon Sanderson using a pseudonym.
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Mar 16, 2024 11:35
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Dwight's dentist begins charging him double for some reason unknown to Dwight.
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Mar 16, 2024 11:42
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It's a typical, if somewhat sleepy, Monday morning at Dunder Mifflin. Everyone has settled in with their coffee, and people are idly checking their e-mail, going over their schedule, and otherwise preparing for the week to come. Dwight and Angela exchange a quick look and, after a nod from Angela, they walk over to reception. After Dwight clears his throat, a gentle clanging sound rings out as he taps a pen against his mug, and he asks for the office's attention. With a barely suppressed smile, Dwight begins speaking. "Good morning everyone! I hope you had a relaxing weekend. I won't take up too much of your time. I just wanted to let everyone know that Angela and I have just received the best news a married couple can hope for. We found out that Angela's pregnant, and our family is going to have one more little member by the time the summer's over." Smiles and words of congratulations fill the office. Phyllis radiates warmth, Michael is already planning a baby shower, and Kelly is prattling on about how cute babies are Ryan, don't you just love babies, oh my God I want a baby. The celebration is interrupted when Jim speaks. "Well congratulations, Mama Bear. Your eggo is preggo, no doubt about it." After a beat, Dwight and Angela force a polite chuckle, then go back to chatting with co-workers they can actually stand. Jim clears his throat. "Yeah. Maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms. Knocked ya up twice." Dwight smiles weakly through gritted teeth. "Ha ha ha. OK, Jim, any more jokes?" Jim reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used pregnancy test. Angela audibly gasps in horror as Jim pretends to examine the test. "So what's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle?" Dwight is livid. "Jim, that is a GROSS violation of our privacy. Where did you even get that? We've known Angela's pregnant for months." "I told you those weren't raccoons going through our trash at night..." Angela mutters. Jim is undeterred as waves the pregnancy test in the air. "That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet." "Why do you keep talking like that?" Dwight sighs, more with annoyance than anger by now. "Are you quoting some stupid movie or something? Because if you are, you're trying way, way too hard. This dialogue is terrible." "Tell that to my friend Oscar," Jim says with a smirk. A groan comes from accounting. "Jim, please, I'm begging you, don't bring me into this. Not today," Oscar says. "Corporate is breathing down our necks with these new deadlines, but of course those tightwads won't upgrade our accounting software and it keeps crashing. We're doing all of this by hand, and it takes three times as long. I don't know how I'm going to get through this quarter's numbers in time." "More like this trimester's numbers, am I right?" Jim mugs for the camera. Crescent Wrench fucked around with this message at 12:16 on Mar 16, 2024 |
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Mar 16, 2024 12:13
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Jim buys a yacht and parks it right next to Dwight’s favorite fishing spot on Lake Scranton. Dwight wakes up early one morning to go fishing, only to see Jim is already awake and watching him from the yacht. As soon as Dwight casts his line, Jim activates his novelty air horn that plays the theme song from The Big Bang Theory in its entirety. The fish are, obviously, scared off and Dwight realizes his entire morning of fishing is ruined. As he sadly walks away, Jim hits the horn again and mugs for the camera.
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Mar 16, 2024 12:15
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Jim exchanges Dwight's front door lock every single day and so Dwight has to shim his way home.
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Mar 16, 2024 13:25
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Jim buys a yacht and parks it right next to the deli counter at Dwight's favorite deli. Dwight takes a break from work and heads out to lunch, only to see Jim is already awake and watching him from the yacht. As soon as Dwight tries to order lunch, Jim activates his novelty air horn that plays the theme song from The Prisoner (1966) in its entirety. The guy at the deli counter obviously can't hear Dwight's order and Dwight's entire lunch break is used up before he can even order his sandwich. "Be seeing you!" Jim gives Dwight the Village Salute and plays the theme again as Dwight dejectedly trudges back to work.
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Mar 16, 2024 15:01
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Jim reports Dwight for “scrolling up cinemas” at the office and has him doppled into an anteater.
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Mar 16, 2024 18:00
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Jim makes Dwight's shadow Dwight's mortal enemy.
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Mar 16, 2024 19:58
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Jim searches for "how to make a bomb" on Dwight's work computer, but it auto completes to "how to make a bomb rear end beet pie" and Jim doesn't know how to undo it so he just shoves Dwight's computer monitor onto the floor.
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Mar 16, 2024 21:53
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Dwight observes that whenever Jim makes a typo rather than using the backspace key Jim throws the computer out of the window and takes a new one from the closet. Once again Dwight wonders how Jim is able to hold this job...
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Mar 16, 2024 22:46
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Mar 16, 2024 23:31
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Jim stays up all night googling “dwight meme” online and comes to work extremely exhausted. In fact, he doesn’t even feel up to pranking Dwight. However, in an attempt to keep up appearances he tells Dwight that there’s a deadly scorpion inside desk. “Yup… a big old dang… scorpion. It’s in there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to look for some paper clips in the supply closet for a few hours.” Dwight spends most of the morning looking for the scorpion while muffled snoring is heard from the supply closet.
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Mar 17, 2024 15:21
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| # ? May 31, 2024 00:52 |
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Jim chews his way into Dwight’s attic and spawns a litter of Tiny Jim’s in the crawl space just above Dwight’s bed. Their chittering, scratching, and tiny footsteps can be heard all night, keeping Dwight awake all night.
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Mar 17, 2024 15:28
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