|
*Flips through dossier on a sadomasochist who has been wasting his life by just constantly masturbating to torture-porn* .... gently caress.
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 11:44
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 27, 2024 17:12 |
|
|
A film where all the people of colour escape because the face recognition part of the traps can't see dark skin tones.
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 12:05
|
|
|
These human fingers are making me THIRSTY!
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 12:18
|
|
|
Doctor Thompson, you spent your life eating pizza. It was your favorite meal. But how do you feel about having to consume an entire Papa John's Shaq-A-Roni XL Pizza? Made hot and fresh every day. 16 inches of delicious pizza, topped with extra cheese and 66 slices of pepperoni. That's right, I said it, 66 slices. This pizza is cut into the largest slices that Papa John's has ever cut, much like your criticism of your wife's cooking cut into her very heart and soul. Okay I did the promo, can you guys send me the check? I'm kind of balancing a lot right now, these bear traps just shot up in price for some reason and I had a few investments go bad. Oh. Oh poo poo. The microphone's on. poo poo. Ignore this, Doctor Thompson, your mind is already slipping away to insanity. Much like the Shaq a Roni is an insane deal at only $13.
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 12:57
|
|
|
Jim Jimson, your constant homophobia and bigotry means that I will now smooch your mouth.
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 13:58
|
|
|
***MOD CHALLENGE*** You have 2 hours to escape this automatic guillotine or I'll be forced to probate you
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 14:25
|
|
|
ok to escape this trap you need to...oh you already killed yourself, well that's weeks of planning ruined
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 14:27
|
|
|
Wakey wakey gentlemen. You were so busy devoting your every waking moment to islamic terrorism that you never learned to appreciate the finer things in life. I have programmed the autopilot on this passenger jet to fly into the world trade centre, the key to switch it off is located in one of your testicles. You will find that you all have boxcutters. 5 minutes gentlemen, tick tock. ... ... ... Gentlemen? Guys? Ok I see, you don't understand the premise, you have to use the boxcutters to cut your testicles open to find the key. ... I notice you still don't seem to be acting with very much urgency. What the gently caress is with you people? If I didn't know any better I'd almost think you wanted to crash into the... Ohhhhh. Well poo poo.
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 14:33
|
|
|
These human FINGERS are making ME thirsty!
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 14:37
|
|
|
Sister Margaret, you have spent your entire life devoted to God. You've fed the hungry, clothed the poor, you have walked in the footsteps of Jesus. For your sin- wait hold up. AMANDA GET IN HERE! I said specifically that I wanted sinners. SINNERS. What do you mean she looked at you rudely five days ago? What do I give a poo poo about that? Would you look at what you've written here? Everything you've written is the exact opposite of what I want in a victim! You know what, sister? There's a spare key I keep in under the rug over there just in case of emergencies. It's not trapped at all, just go grab it, unlock yourself and go with God. You, Amanda, on the other hand, we really need to talk about your performance issues. This is the third person this week I've had to release due to them personally offending you and frankly I'm sick of it.
|
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 14:39
|
|
|
Jacob Werner. You forgot that I asked for "no whipped cream" on my iced caramel macchiato when I went through the drive thru at your Dunkin Donuts. It was too awkward once you handed it to me so I just took it and drank it but it wasn't what I ordered. Today, you are going to learn what it means to have too much whipped cream. I have hidden an orange flag inside this giant iced caramel macchiato cup filled with whipped cream. Good luck finding it in under 90 seconds. If you don't, you don't win the vacation to space camp or the Sega Genesis.
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 14:49
|
|
|
Jim Halpert you have devoted your life to pranks. And so I have no need to explain the dramatic irony of this situation to you. But I will explain the rules. Next to you are thirteen staplers encashed in jello. One stapler contains the key that will unlock the beartrap on your head, the others will set it off. In one hour the trap will activate regardless. Which will you choose, life or death? The timer starts when I hit this butto- What the hell? Why is my button encased in jello too?? How did this even happen? Hey. Hey! Why are you making that face?! Stop it you smug son of a bitch!
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 15:13
|
|
|
Store brand cling wrap, you became a wadded mess the instant I unrolled you, you failed to cling to my tupperware bowl for which I have lost the lid, and you cut my finger with your unprotected serrated metal edge. Now it is you who will be frustrated as you struggle to survive my trap.
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 16:31
|
|
|
Hello Steven. Don't try to move, you're currently strapped to an operating table. Do you remember our encounter at the Chinese buffet, Steven? Probably not, you were far too busy getting the last of the honey chicken on your plate. Three giant scoopfuls, the last of the nice hot honey chicken they had just brought out. And do you know what I was told when I asked when the next batch was coming out? "About 10 to 15 minutes, sir." Some of us don't have all the time in the world, Steven, some of us are dying from cancer. And yet there you sat, eating more honey chicken than you knew what to do with. While some of us had to make do with sweet and sour chicken, killing time until the delicious honey chicken appeared again. Not you, oh no, you already moved on to the ice cream by then. Well, Steven, today you get a chance to redeem yourself. Do you smell that? It's honey chicken. Thousands of pounds of honey chicken. I've injected you with a deadly nerve toxin, and the antidote was injected into one piece of this honey chicken. You have 10 to 15 minutes. Hopefully you find the correct piece before then. If not, there will be no ice cream for you this time.
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 16:42
|
|
|
Who What Now posted:Edward Colton, you invite people into your home to see your model trains and participate in mutual masturbation. Afterwards you encourage people to stomp around on your train set like a monster and promise them imitation crab meat from your freezer. But you never once provided the imitation crab meat. Now you will have to make up for all those broken promises... Yessssssssssssss I get this marry me
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 17:09
|
|
|
You have a toxin on your skin, and you will need to wash yourself with the antidote. You will have to navigate barefoot over the pebbles that hurt your feet and are teeming with mold and mildew just a few days after getting wet, and fill the bath tub without the cut I-beams giving way. Torture for you, being a man but a delight for 
A LOVELY LAD fucked around with this message at 17:44 on Aug 31, 2021 |
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 17:40
|
|
|
Blurry Gray Thing posted:*Flips through dossier on a sadomasochist who has been wasting his life by just constantly masturbating to torture-porn* "You've spent your life torturing for pleasure. So now, we'll let you, uh, pleasure...for torture?" "Who the gently caress wrote this?" "What do you mean I DID?" "Who are you?" "Me?" Ok, sadomasochist, I'm loving schizophrenic or something, I'm talking to someone but no one else is here except you and you're not talking so I guess..." *Guy kills himself to stop hearing jigsaws babbling*
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 18:53
|
|
|
Mr. Heisenberg, you got diagnosed with inoperable cancer and decided to create a criminal enterprise selling methamphetamine, and can i get in on that? Because man funeral expenses are through the roof and you know those insurance companies are gonna gently caress you over.
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 18:59
|
|
|
UnSmith posted:Yessssssssssssss I get this marry me UnSmith you often propose marriage but then leave innocents looking for love standing at the alter. Before you are four rings on the edge of the cliff.
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 19:21
|
|
|
THESE human fingers are MAKING me thirsty!
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 20:25
|
|
|
"While you were asleep I surgically implanted the key to the trap behind your eye. You will have to dig it out if you want to survive. Well done. What do you mean there is no key?" *checks pockets* "Okay you are not going to believe this...Mondays, am I right?"
|
|
#
?
Aug 31, 2021 21:13
|
|
|
Tiberius Christ posted:ok to escape this trap you need to...oh you already killed yourself, well that's weeks of planning ruined *hands on hips standing looking at corpse with accomplice* So we're definitely just going to reuse this thing with someone else, right?
|
|
#
?
Sep 1, 2021 00:52
|
|
|
"Hello, Amanda. You don't know me, but I know you. I want to play a game. Here's what happens if you lose. The device you are wearing is hooked into your upper and lower jaw. When the timer in the back goes off, your mouth will be permanently ripped open. Think of it like a reverse bear trap. Here, I'll show you." [on videotape, a penguin joyfully slides down an icy car windshield with a slide whistle sound]
|
|
#
?
Sep 1, 2021 01:44
|
|
|
"Hello, because you didn't appreciate your life I'm going to show you a double feature of Harold & Maude and Being There. Hal Ashby really nails the human condition. Anyhow, I'm fuckin' exhausted ya know? I'll be back 4 hours. Snacks are on the table. Oh and just piss and poo poo in that hole... I know I know I have a Toto Washlet on order."
|
|
#
?
Sep 1, 2021 16:54
|
|
|
*Comes back to victim dead of dehydration because I totally forgot they were there and left for a week of vacation*
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 15:12
|
|
|
"gently caress it, here's Chris rock"
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 15:34
|
|
|
When a customer asks you for double meat, you instead decide to give them approximately 1.5 times the original meat serving, despite charging them for the double meat option. Trust me, I weighed it. I was supposed to get 8 ounces of tuna, you gave me 6. The sandwich was more bread and lettuce than anything else. You challenge is to weigh out exactly 8 ounces of your own flesh onto the attached scale. This will unlock the door leading to your freedom. Any less than this and you will be hit with a powerful electric shock, stopping your heart. Much like you stopped my plans for a delicious tuna sub.
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 15:34
|
|
|
The key is hidden inside... poo poo hah... wait don't tell me. Oh yea I just put it inside your rear end so you can fish it out or whatever but god drat eat some vegetables once in a while.
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 15:47
|
|
|
Good morning. Did you enjoy your rest? Next time you might not wake up. Behind y DEAFENING FEEDBACK
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 16:17
|
|
|
*pushing a broom to move around skull chunks* Goddamn motherfucker it wasn't that hard. All you had to do was solve the rubix cube in your butthole and then use the tiny screwdriver inside to unscrew the hinge of your face-snapper. But noooo~ooo you had to cry and beg for your life for two whole hours. Ugh. Do these people even listen to me?!?! Oh, gross, I stepped on some skull bits! Ew ew ew eeewwww!
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 16:48
|
|
|
Has anyone said... GAAAAAHHHH three whole days doing this jigsaw I bought at a secondhand shop and AGAIN I find ONE loving PIECE IS MISSING!!!!! It makes me SO loving ANGRY that I FEEL LIKE FINDING AND KILLING THE SONS OF BITCHES WHO DONATE THESE loving INCOMPLETE JIGSAWS. (Kidnaps people who put any goods into the nearby secondhand shop donation bin. If they didn't donate a jigsaw, I let them go. If they donated a jigsaw, I chain them up while I do their jigsaw. YOU DON'T WANNA BE ONE OF THEM IF THERE'S ANY loving PIECES MISSING!!!!!!!! GGGRRRRRRRRR!!!!) tl;dr: I am a jigsaw killer having an off day.
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 17:02
|
|
|
*chains rattle and then stop as suddenly* “So uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh” *Beat* “You like cats? I think they’re great.”
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 17:29
|
|
|
"don't worry detective, your son is someplace SAFE." "He's in the safe! get a blowtorch!" "n-no wait! you can have the key if you stay sTABLE!" *flips the table over* "nevermind, i found the key!"
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 17:33
|
|
|
Terry Crabshaw, you spent your entire life as a BDSM submissive, and let me tell you that has put me in a real pickle...
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 17:37
|
|
|
You have 30 minutes to escape.....my arms! Look, just hug me for half an hour and then I'll let you go. It's been a rough week.
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 18:24
|
|
|
Do you know what a jack off crystal is, Steve? It's not gay. Seriously? You'd rather the bear trap rip you in half then? The gently caress?! I don't even remember why I'm doing this.
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 18:34
|
|
|
Dr. Thomas, you enjoy opening your cell phone during movies, causing the light to be REALLY REALLY distracting for everyone else. What are you checking, Doctor? What could possibly be so important during Fast 9 for you to have to check your phone? Did you know a lot of people were very invested in the film? A lot of people may have been going to the theater for the first time in over a year and just wanted to enjoy the newest installment in their favorite action franchise. But you? You did not care. Your cold, unfeeling heart had no empathy for these people. Now, you are going to have to prove you paid attention to the film. You will have to correctly identify each make, model, and year of vehicle presented in front of you. For every vehicle you misidentify, you will have a limb removed. Good luck, Doctor.
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 18:39
|
|
|
"you've spent your whole life dressed as your favorite star wars character, can you guess what the device strapped to your chest is?" guy in admiral ackbar costume: "gently caress you."
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 18:47
|
|
|
A Fancy Hat posted:Dr. Thomas, you enjoy opening your cell phone during movies, causing the light to be REALLY REALLY distracting for everyone else. What are you checking, Doctor? What could possibly be so important during Fast 9 for you to have to check your phone? Did you know a lot of people were very invested in the film? A lot of people may have been going to the theater for the first time in over a year and just wanted to enjoy the newest installment in their favorite action franchise. But you? You did not care. Your cold, unfeeling heart had no empathy for these people. HELLO, YEAH. YEAH I'M JUST IN SOME GUYS BASEMENT. YEAH WILD I KNOW HE'S SAYING SOME BULLSHIT OVER A PA SYSTEM. I DUNNO HE'S SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT MAKING MODELS. HAHA YEAH WHAT A JERK. I'M GONNA MAKE A TWEET ABOUT IT IN A SEC. HOLD ON I GOT ANOTHER CALL,
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 18:49
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 27, 2024 17:12 |
|
|
Songbearer posted:HELLO, YEAH. YEAH I'M JUST IN SOME GUYS BASEMENT. YEAH WILD I KNOW HE'S SAYING SOME BULLSHIT OVER A PA SYSTEM. I DUNNO HE'S SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT MAKING MODELS. HAHA YEAH WHAT A JERK. I'M GONNA MAKE A TWEET ABOUT IT IN A SEC. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJn-Kr1E4HM
|
|
#
?
Sep 2, 2021 18:52
|
|
