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Dwight opens the supply closet to discover an empty gorilla costume with ash spilling out of it onto the boxes of printer toner. pausing only briefly, Dwight grabs a pen- shaking his head at what was obviously an attempted prank, Dwight says “THE SHADOW REALM!!” and hovers (ominously) back to his desk bucket
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May 10, 2024 16:46
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After a particularly virulent and putrid round of gas, the entire office building housing Dunder Mifflin is forced to be evacuated. The scientists accompanying the hazmat cleanup crew discover something shocking, though: Jim’s gas, while noxious, is an incredibly potent form of renewable energy. One lunch of beans worth of gas (the unit of measurement that scientists settle on) contains enough energy to power the city of Scranton for a month. Within days Dunder Mifflin pivots to an energy firm and is worth billions. Jim insists that he will only agree to produce more fumes if his bean diet is brought to him solely by Dwight. Dwight, a staunch environmentalist, is forced to agree to these terms, and begins his new life as a toxic bean delivery man. The hours he spends after each work day decontaminating make it so he sees Angela only on the weekends.
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May 10, 2024 16:56
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jim strikes dwight on the kneecap full force with a hammer, as a prank
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May 10, 2024 17:08
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“John Krasinki’s IF Is A Strange, Unnerving Film That Will Appeal to No One” By Alissa Wilkinson, NY Times Film Critic Early in the film IF, John Krasinski’s latest attempt at blockbuster success, we encounter a very strange scene. A young boy is sitting on a pier overlooking the ocean. Next to him is one of the eponymous imaginary friends, an octopus with a top hat and monocle. The boy asks his octopus friend (voiced by Blake Lively in the first of many celebrity voices you’ll recognize) what happens when he’ll grow up. The octopus then says that the boy will never grow up, at which point it wraps its 8 tentacles around the boy and drags him to the bottom of the ocean. The boy doesn’t struggle or stream and the orchestral score seems to suggest this is a heartwarming moment, not a terrifying cold open. That is IF in a nutshell. A film that has been marketed as a heartwarming family comedy but it anything but. This is perhaps the most unsettled I’ve felt in a film since seeing Midsommar, and this film doesn’t seem to realize how disturbing it is. In short, the film is about a girl named Bea (Cailey Fleming) seeking out all the “lost” imaginary fiends and building a new home for them with the help of a friendly neighbor Cal (played by Ryan Reynolds) and her alcoholic father (played by Krasinski in a bizarre turn) who is looking to improve his relationship with his daughter. Krasinski also voices “Marshmallow”, an imaginary friend who is quite simply a marshmallow with a face. And it’s Bea’s encounter with Marshmallow that best describes the entire movie. She can see other imaginary friends, you see, a skill only held by a select few. And she sees Marshmallow, down on its luck and sadly floating through downtown. Bea follows Marshmallow to a bridge, at which point he says he’s going to jump off and end it all. Bea isn’t fast enough to stop him, though he “comedically” floats down to the river surface and is unharmed. Marshmallow then follows Bea around, occasionally adding dialogue such as “I wish it didn’t hurt any more” or “why can’t I just go to sleep forever?”. Each Friend that Bea encounters has a similar story and each encounter is effectively a self-contained vignette. Blue (Steve Carell) is a large purple monster created by a young child who couldn’t learn his colors (hence the name). We later see the grave of Blue’s creator, who died at age 8, and Blue attempts to lie down and die on the grave. You may be asking yourself; does this movie have a happy ending? I was pretty happy when it ended and the lights came on, yes. But as for the film itself? The Imaginary Friends live together and Bea discovers she can’t see them any more. The end of the movie is Bea screaming that she “can’t see anyone” again and again while her father begins chugging a bottle of wine and crying, then smashing the bottle on the wall and saying the same thing happens to everyone who grows up. There is also a bizarre scene seemingly added only for fans of The Office. In it, Marshmallow says that it hates Halloween because “I used to know a beet farming marshmallow who loved it”. Strange stuff.
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May 10, 2024 20:17
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Jim comes into the office with a copy of the popular comic “Subatomic Jim: Issue #1” (rare misprint) and Dwight sees him casually flop it onto his desk. Dwight loses his mind berating Jim on his care of comics and questioning if he even is a collector since he can’t recite the mantra nor does he know the secret handshake. Still, Dwight wants the comic. He offers Jim $100 and Jim laughs. He offers $500. “You’re getting warm, Dwight.” Dwight offers $1000 and Jim accepts. As Dwight immediately places the comic in a protective case while wearing gloves, the camera pulls back to reveal Jim as he opens his desk drawer. Inside are multiple copies of the comic. The camera zooms to Pam who grins and looks at the copier where more copies spit out onto the floor. During the talking head segment Jim reveals that “Subatomic Jim” isn’t a real comic.
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May 10, 2024 20:43
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Jim fires a cap pistol directly next to Dwight's ear.
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May 10, 2024 21:00
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Jim fires a desert eagle directly into Dwight’s ear.
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May 10, 2024 22:33
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It's 17:00 on Dwight's watch, so it's time to pack up and go home. He waits patiently in front of the elevator. When it dings and opens, he's presented with an odd sight - Jim, naked except for a red pair of tennis shoes, is smacking an agitated barn pig. The pig squeals and urinates in the cramped elevator. Jim looks Dwight in the eyes and says "get it? I'm slapping my h-" The elevator door closes. Dwight walks down the hallway and takes the stairs.
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May 11, 2024 00:45
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Dwight's watch beeps twice. He looks down - 13:00 on the dot. His stomach rumbles. It's lunch time. Dwight walks into the kitchen and opens the fridge, where he expects to find his brown paper bag containing a sauerkraut burger and shoestring beet fries. Instead he opens the fridge and is presented with an unusual sight - Jim, wearing a minions halloween costume, is furiously punching a spiral ham. Jim's blue lips open and he says, through chattering teeth, "get it? I'm beating my me-" Dwight shuts the refrigerator and leaves the office, intent on getting Arbys.
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May 11, 2024 00:49
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Jim makes Dwight really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like.
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May 11, 2024 00:56
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Dwight looks at his wrist, it's 25:30 on the dot. Dwight taps his watch confused. Whatever, he's got more important things to do. He turns his attention back to his SAP acquisition report. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Jim with a juvenile silverback gorilla bent over his knee, and he appears to be spanking it like a disobedient toddler. Dwight's focus never leaves his report, refusing to give Jim the satisfaction.
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May 11, 2024 00:57
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Defiance Industries posted:Jim makes Dwight really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like. Jim makes Dwight suffer a stroke.
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May 11, 2024 10:12
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Jim strokes off Dwight. How many times is it now that Jim has performed an assault of a sexual nature on Dwight? That has nothing to do with this though, this time it was like 99% consensual. The 1% that wasn’t was due to Jim’s mugging. Nigmaetcetera fucked around with this message at 11:29 on May 11, 2024 |
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May 11, 2024 10:17
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Dwight agrees to birdsit Jim's parakeet for the weekend while Jim and Pam attend a Disney couple's retreat. "Thanks, buddy, I really appreciate you helping me out like this." Jim smirks as he hands over a covered birdcage. "Remember, Iago's used to sleeping in our bedroom so it's best if you put his cage right on your nightstand , okay?" Dwight, always ready to do whatever he can to make an animal comfortable agrees to sleep with Iago right next to his pillow. Inside the cage, an illegally-imported white bellbird slumbers in a drugged stupor.
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May 11, 2024 10:51
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Jim replaces all the paper at Dunder Mifflin with pictures of Vida Guerra from early 00s Maxim magazines
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May 11, 2024 11:59
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Jim vows to go “all out” because “he wants to get Dwight cancelled” and hires a PR team and private investigators for this reason. After nearly a month of research, Jim holds a meeting. He wheels out a white board upon which he’s written things like “What is the Weakness?” and then he also drew a box around weakness just so you know there’s a weakness that’s going to pop up later like a loving red flashing weak point in a video game. I mean, can you believe that poo poo? You make a monster with super hearing, of course we already know you could probably have it get disoriented by sound. But then it opens up its head and it’s like “of course, sound is the weakness!” Yeah, no poo poo, Jim. By the way, while I’m at it, you live in a world where you can’t make sound. At all. So how loving irresponsible is it to have a baby? And don’t get on me with that whole “oh, it was unplanned” poo poo. You give birth to this baby that has no idea what a nightmare the world is, then you expect me to believe this baby will NEVER make a sound outside of that box you built? Have you ever been around a baby? Making noise is their entire thing. Are you keeping this baby in the box for a year? Two? Why not just move to the waterfall at this point, Jim, you set it up as a place you could talk. So just move there!
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May 11, 2024 14:01
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Dwight is cowering in his basement from the sound aliens from A Quiet Place. Up above, Jim tiptoes across Dwight's lawn, trailed by the documentary camera crew. Jim mugs at the cameras and puts his finger to his lips in an exaggerated "shh" motion. In Jim's other hand he's carrying a covered cage containing an illegally-imported white bellbird. Jim slowly and quietly lifts the cover to Dwight's coal chute and tosses the cage down into Dwight's basement.
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May 11, 2024 14:25
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Dwight goes to Dunder Mifflin HR to finally report the thousands of pranks and sexual assaults he’s endured whilst working with Jim. The rep assigned to the case, Bluman Blesources, mugs for the camera.
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May 11, 2024 14:34
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Jim kills Dwight’s blind imaginary friend with loud noises, I’m sorry I’ve seen none of these movies I may be conflating a few elements.
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May 11, 2024 14:38
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Jim, the super cool CIA agent, creates an imaginary friend which comes to life. This alien is allergic to water, no wait, uhh, sound? It’s allergic to sound, but it can listen really well to people; I guess anyway it tracks down Dwight and takes him to Abu Garib where Jim can torture him for information. Information about, uhh, climate change activists, I guess
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May 11, 2024 14:45
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America’s favorite actor John Kransinski smirks as he cashes another check from the sale of his hit show Some Good News.
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May 11, 2024 14:54
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Michael calls Jim into his office to show him a screenplay he’s written. “It’s called ‘Don’t Make Noise’ and it’s about these people trapped in an office and they can’t speak or make copies or anything!” “Now, Jim, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Is there a part in this movie for me?’ well—“ “I was thinking this sounds an awful lot like my movie franchise ‘A Quiet Place’ actually,” Jim interjects. Michael’s face puffs up as he barely contains a giggle. “Thanks Jim, you can go,” Michael manages to stammer out before bursting into laughter. Jim shrugs. In the talking head segment Michael is beet-red and crying from laughing so hard. He keeps repeating “Jim…thinks he’s John Krazinski…” and collapsing with laughter.
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May 11, 2024 14:55
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Jim prepares a bento box lunch for Dwight including octopus hot dogs and rice in the shape of a heart. Dwight is extremely embarrassed.
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May 11, 2024 17:08
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Taffy Jr. posted:Jim prepares a bento box lunch for Dwight including octopus hot dogs and rice in the shape of a heart. They end up having unprotected Sex in the bathroom. Meredith has to go to the hospital.
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May 11, 2024 17:51
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Jack-Off Lantern posted:They end up having unprotected Sex in the bathroom. Dwight gets a STD from the encounter: Clowneritis.
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May 11, 2024 18:12
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Taffy Jr. posted:Jim prepares a bento box lunch for Dwight including octopus hot dogs and rice in the shape of a heart. Jim didn’t wash his hands before preparing the meal and, perhaps more alarmingly, had just watched Mars Needs Moms prior to preparing the bento box lunch.
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May 11, 2024 18:15
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Jim shoots Dwight in the leg with a gun and he has to go to hospital
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May 12, 2024 02:33
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a real rude dude posted:Jim shoots Dwight in the leg with a gun and he has to go to hospital Oscar blinks several times and rubs his eyes in an exaggerated manner. "Wait," he says to Kevin, "is Dwight the one who has to go to the hospital?!"
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May 12, 2024 03:26
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Jim shoots Dwight in the hospital while he, Dwight, is recovering from a previous gunshot wound.
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May 12, 2024 03:27
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Jim pops another sugar free cough drop into his mouth and rubs his hands together and rolls up the wrapper which he drops on the floor. I'm writing another sense monster story, these monsters get angry if you notice smells. They are very self conscious and if you acknowledge any smells they give out, they will rip you to shreds, Jim explains. Dwight nods, and Jim replies with a loud wet fart.
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May 12, 2024 03:32
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Jim announces he's producing "A Dark Place," a suspense thriller about a scary world infested with monsters which hunt by daylight, so the protagonists can only go out at night or the monsters will see them. Jim casts Dwight as the star and insists that Dwight wear a blindfold all day to "get into character" but really it's just so Jim can trick Dwight into walking into a cactus.
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May 12, 2024 03:54
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As the staff file into the office in the morning Jim stands in the hallway by the elevator and offers asbestos bearing talc powder to dust everyone under the arms, crotch and backside. Jim begins a new word document entitled "A Sticky Place." As Jim types out the premise he reads it aloud, "The monsters can sense skin peeling away from skin or anything else, so we are banning leather furniture, and enforcing a cloth mouse pad requirement."
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May 12, 2024 04:22
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After being shot five times by Jim but not dying (once again spoiling Jim’s 2024 Dwight kill counter), Dwight returns to the office from his stay in the hospital with a new attitude. He’s lost his more sensitive, intellectual mien, and instead fully embraced the conflict with his perceived enemies. He’s now got “Prank Life” tattooed across his chiseled abs and releases a diss track claiming that Brian had sex with Jim’s wife. Kevin and Oscar are observing this escalating war with trepidation. “I’m just saying,” says Oscar, “that this whole thing seems like a strange pastiche of the East Coast/West Coast hip-hop rivalry, except taking place in our workplace.” “I’m not familiar with that particular piece of pop culture,” replies Kevin. “Did that involve illegally imported white bellbirds and bento boxes filled with glowing purple sentient malevolent goo, as well?” “Not exactly, but-“ Oscar is interrupted by Jim, who is lying on a bed of nails naked (except for red tennis shoes) playing a trumpet with his rear end while screaming the words of the song “My Country, 'Tis of Thee” at the top of his lungs. Kevin looks at the camera for a moment, then says “You’d better just film it. We all know Jim is just desperately trying to stay relevant so that he can be the center of attention, but whatever he’s doing right now would probably make a better sizzle reel than this conversation.” Brian the boom mic guy incidentally picks up the cameraman cursing as he pans over to Jim, who pauses for a moment to make sure he mugs the camera with a self-satisfied smile.
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May 12, 2024 07:18
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"By the way, has anyone seen Andy lately? I feel like he hasn't been relevant for months now..." asks Oscar. Kevin just shrugs. --- In the basement of the Halpert house one can see Andy strapped to an operating table screaming at the top of his lungs. Next to the table is Jim looking like a strange mixture of scientist, succubus and vampire. He is using a giant needle to drain Andy of his clown essence.
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May 12, 2024 08:55
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Jim and Dwight stop at a small diner in the middle of Pennsylvania on the way home from a sale. “Hey, Dwight? Can you order a burger for me? I gotta go drain the main vein!” Jim waddles away from the table as Dwight looks down at the menu to find something to eat. Jim sneakily heads over to a table filled with construction workers. “Hey! Have you guys seen Sound of Freedom?” The construction workers exchange glances and roll their eyes. One of them leans towards Jim. “Buddy, listen, keep that poo poo away from us. I don’t want to hear about it, I don’t want to talk to you, and I don’t want any kind of pamphlet or QR code or whatever. Okay?” Jim waddles away without talking to anyone, then repeats his conversation 9 times at different tables. Each time he’s met with indifference or hostility; nobody wants what Jim’s selling. Finally, Jim encounters a doughy man in a stained and stretched TRUMP 2016 shirt, sitting by himself at a table near the bathroom. “Hey,” Jim says with a smile, “have YOU seen the Sound of Freedom?” “Yeah,” the man says with a suspicious look. “Why?” “See that guy in the mustard yellow shirt? He’s a trafficker. My name is James Angelman, I’ve been tracking him for months. I just need some help to take him down, you know, a surprise attack! You run at him, I’ll ziptie his arms and legs as you bring him to the ground.” The doughy man stands up, lets out an odd screech, and runs at Dwight. Years of training kick in and Dwight slides out of the table, lifts one knee up to block the man’s pursuit, and then easily judo flips the nearly 300 lb man through the air. He thuds against the front door and slides down, unconscious. “Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.” As they drove home Dwight’s stomach growls. He mentions that he’s disappointed he didn’t even get to eat lunch there, as he was really looking forward to a BLT. Jim mugs for the camera.
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May 12, 2024 12:49
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Dwight is sleeping with noise-cancelling headphones so he can listen to white noise for his chronic tinnitus. Jim creeps smirkingly into Dwight's bedroom wearing cat paw print socks. Slowly, quietly, Jim uses a keyhole saw to cut away the sides of Dwight's headphones, exposing Dwight's ears. Jim then duct tapes an illegally-imported white bellbird to each side of Dwight's head. Jim sets Dwight's alarm to 4am and slinks away. Jim's Cheshire grin lingers gleaming in the moonlight for a few moments after the rest of Jim's body has faded back into darkness.
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May 12, 2024 16:33
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Jim and a white bell-bird take turns making illegally imported keyhole to PamGela
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May 12, 2024 18:05
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Jim sticks his head between Dwight and his (Dwight's) monitor. "You've been holding out on me, haven't you, Tubby?" Dwight glances down at his washboard abs (with "Prank Life" tattooed across them) and wonders if he should cut back on the Hennessy a tad. "You know I hate all the sci-fi crap that you love so much. Bet you wanna bang the girl from that Tom Cruise time travel movie, don'tcha? Well, you can't. She's spoken for! I hate that space, battlestar blabitty-blah stuff, myself. Bunch of nerd poo poo for incel losers crying over the newest calculator in their mother's basements." Dwight is about to point out that Jim, in fact, sleeps in the basement of his own childhood home, but is cut off. "But I figured I owed it to Disney to watch their latest IP universe. Especially since we're going back to the parks next month, so I needed to be versed in the lore to make the most of Star Wars land. And you know what, you son of a bitch? I loved it! I never knew how good it could be!" Dwight snaps back to attention (he'd been mentally carrying forward the interest payments on his home to see if he should increase his monthly mortgage amount) and asks, bewildered, "You did? You...actually... liked it? Do you want to talk about it?" "You bet I do." Dwight's hopes are crushed, however, as Jim continues. "The story of Rey Skywalker is so powerful. Imagine, being torn between light and dark like that. I feel that way myself, sometimes. And the character of Finn, the former stormtrooper fighting for redemption? Talk about a complete character ark! I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried a little bit. It hit a little close to home, you know. Did you know that... sometimes... people think that I'm a jerk? It's true. I've never seen myself represented up there on screen like that before. I get it; I understand now. Representation matters." Before Dwight can respond, Jim's phone rings. He reaches over and swings it up to his ear. "Copy that, Red Leader?" "Jim, this is Charles. I'm just calling to give you a head's up that I want to pull your remaining clients and farm them over to Dwight. You'll get an official email shortly, but I wanted to do you the courtesy of hearing it from me first. Do you have any questions? Do you understand what this means for your long-term prospects with Dunder-Mifflin?" Jim sputters fo a moment, trying to think of an answer, before he draws a .44 Magnum revolver and shoots the telephone, obliterating it and ending the call. "Boring conversation anyway. Dwight, we're gonna have company!" Dwight doesn't understand Jim, hearing only a piercing shriek since the gun discharged three inches from his ear.
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May 12, 2024 18:17
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Jim calls Dwight’s mother on Mother’s Day and tells her that her son, Dwight, was killed in a terrible paper accident, a literal death by a thousand cuts. Mrs Schrute, drops the phone and screams in anguish, wailing at the thought of her precious baby boy bleeding out alone in the darkness under pounds of paper. Dwight, sitting next to his mother at the dining room table, stirs mashed beets around on his plate, suddenly not very hungry anymore.
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May 12, 2024 19:44
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Jim visits Dwight's mother on Mother's Day while wearing an ultra-realistic Dwight mask and bites the head off her pet parakeet right in front of her.
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May 13, 2024 03:57
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