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Dwight visits Pam's mother and attempts to seduce her with promises of beets and practicing his karate skills in front of his porch while she drinks all day rose. She, Pam's mother is entranced by Dwight's advances and takes an uber to Dwight's beet farm and sits on his patio chair while Mose serves her a wine spritzer. "This is the life" she remarks as Dwight spins a nunchaku in a clockwork pattern. Jim reminds Pam to hold her breath before pulling the trigger and crack her neck and then hold it steady to look down the scope.
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May 13, 2024 04:22
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| # ? May 28, 2024 11:09 |
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Cuckoo Jim hatches in Bird Dwight’s mom’s nest. Before Bird Dwight can hatch as well, his egg is pushed out of the nest by Cuckoo Jim, ensuring that Bird Dwight’s mom will raise him as her own.
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May 13, 2024 06:21
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Jim founds a branch of the fraternity, "Ligma Ligma Ligma" in the middle of the workweek, confounding his fellow members of the office, until they join in on the party. Dwight walks in late, but smiles to see the whole office having fun. A former frat member himself, he asks one of the partygoers what "Ligma" is. "Ligma, Ligma, Ligma Balls!" Shouts Jim from across the room. Unfortunately, Jim is doing a kegstand at the exact second of shouting. While he manages to say the sentence, beer expels out of his nose, down his windpipe. and begins to foam at the mouth. His pledge brother drops Jim's head on the keg, and Jim spends the next 3 minutes and 52 seconds coughing, spitting and vomiting. "gently caress bro, that was a close one. I was almost dead there for a second. FML." The next morning, Jan is horrified to discover she has slept with Tobey.
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May 13, 2024 07:39
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Jim steals a firetruck and uses the high-pressure hose to break all the windows on Dwight's car. He then sticks the nozzle inside the vehicle and floods it. An angry Dwight rushes down from the office and sees Jim, arms crossed, happily surveying his work. "Well, Dwight, looks like this is one CLEAN car. You're welcome, by the way." Dwight says that he's finally had enough of Jim's antics and plans to hold him accountable for this. Jim's going to pay for all the damages, there's no getting around it this time. As Dwight fumes, Jim reaches into the car and pulls out the still-blasting fire hose. He turns it on Dwight and knocks him to the ground. "Now you're clean, too," Jim says without blinking. "Time to make everything clean." Jim starts spraying down everything in the parking lot and the building itself. Glass shatters from the pressure of the hose, cars are dented, and Dwight keeps getting knocked down every time he tries to take action. "They found a worm in my brain, Dwight. Can you believe it? A little parasitic worm. They want to operate to take it out, and they told me there's a chance I could die. Even scarier, there's about a 75% chance I come out of this with reduced brain function. I mean, what a laugh riot, right? I do all this dumb poo poo all day every day and a WORM takes me down? They don't even know how it got in there. But that's okay, I know how it's going to get out." Jim sticks the nozzle in his mouth and is quickly knocked to the ground. He doesn't move and Dwight (finally free to move again) leaps up, turns off the hose, and checks on Jim. The damage to his skull is catastrophic, almost like he took a shotgun blast to the head. Dwight looks away, sadly, and calls 911. Although Jim survives, his prediction comes true and he has horribly reduced brain function. Jim can do little more than sit in a chair all day and press a button that lights up and says "BAZINGA" when he needs someone. Dwight asks for a moment of Jim's doctor's time and inquires about the parasitic worm. "Worm? No, no. He didn't have a worm. I said he needed to stop DOING the worm, as it was causing a lot of damage to his crotch area. Did he tell you he had a worm in his brain?" Dwight looks over at Jim, a shattered wreck of his former self. Despite that, Jim mugs for the camera.
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May 13, 2024 17:53
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Theorizing that one could time travel within their own lifetime, Jim places Dwight in the quantum accelerator, where he vanishes Trapped in the past and facing a mirror image that is not his own, Dwight leaps from time to time, putting right which once went wrong, and hoping the next leap will be the leap home. His only companion on this journey is Jim, a hologram who lies and always gives him the wrong information trying to make sure he can't leap.
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May 13, 2024 17:56
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Jim adopts a child and raises him in secret, teaching the boy that his name is Dwight and that the world has been destroyed by ""The Beet Wars of 1997". There is no resolution to this, as even Jim realizes the severity of what he's done and the line that he's crossed. Instead, he leaves the boy in the basement of the Halpert House, where he can only look out a single, smudged window nearly covered in overgrown weeds. One day, Dwight is stuck mowing Jim's lawn (this is due to a prank) and feels like someone is watching him. He looks in the direction of the window feels an incredible sense of dread looming over him.
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May 13, 2024 18:36
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Jim steals Dwight's piss in a daring armored car heist. In a bunker underneath the Pentagon, a general slams his fist on the table, demanding to know what's happened to Dwight's piss. Behind the general, there's a whiteboard covered in notes about the alien race attacking the Earth. In the bottom right corner of the whiteboard somebody (perhaps the general's aide de camp) has written the word "WEAKNESS??" and drawn a box around it in red dry-erase marker. Underneath the word "WEAKNESS??" is scrawled "DWIGHT'S PISS!!!" circled and underlined many times. Jim returns to the decrepit barn where Jim's family has been in hiding. Pam and the kids cheer their father's return. He's brought enough piss to keep them safe. For now. This is all a prank on Dwight because now the US Army will have to forcibly extract even more piss from Dwight to protect America.
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May 13, 2024 18:58
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Jim reveals Jim-GPT4, which he claims to be a proprietary LLM capable of rendering lifelike speech. Whenever a query is made, the power consumption causes rolling blackouts that shut down hospitals and orphanages across several South American nations, and no matter what the query the returned answer is some variation of "murder Dwight in his sleep."
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May 14, 2024 03:39
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Jim outfits a Ford Transit van as an icecream truck. To build up word of mouth and "go viral" Jim shows up at the daycare he stores his two offspring at with "All Star" by Smashmouth playing over the loudspeaker. He hands out various soft serve cones and popsicles free of charge. All of them except the lime frozen jello encased fudge stapler treat are a sickly yellow.
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May 14, 2024 04:04
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Jim gives Dwight a stroke. Did Jim touch Dwight's penis? Burst a blood vessel in Dwight's head? Somehow change Dwight's luck for the worse? No one knows. Such is the magic of Jim's pranks. In any case Jim mugs the camera.
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May 14, 2024 12:44
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Jim starts calling Dwight "balloon boy" for seemingly no reason. It all becomes clear at 2am the following day when Dwight is shaken awake by the sound of his house being lifted off its foundations by millions of balloons like in Disney's Up. "What is going on? The whole house is shaking!" Mose barks with the assistance of his voice-modulating collar. "Michael!" Dwight shouts out his bedroom window. "Michaaaaaaaaaaael!" Dwight's screams grow faint as he drifts farther and farther from the camera until the Schrute farmhouse is visible only as a tiny speck. The camera pans down to Jim who is mugging wildly and holding up an empty plastic wrapper for "EZ-Pop Temporary Party Balloons (1 million pack)" from PA Pranksters.
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May 14, 2024 12:49
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Jim announces to the whole office he's "down to clown," whatever that means. When Dwight next goes to the men's room (after making absolutely, positively certain to lock his computer), he unzips his fly and discovers to his shock his penis has been replaced by a balloon animal Perhaps even more disturbing, Jim's face (painted with white makeup and prosthetics to make it appear as though it's made of porcelain) is visible on the wall of the urinal, licking his lips hungrily as he eyes the balloon animal sticking out of Dwight's fly.
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May 14, 2024 14:49
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Andy heads home from work with a smile on his face. He tends to his small vegetable garden before slipping into a hot bath with a glass of brandy and a well-worn copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. This is his 5th attempt at reading the book cover-to-cover, each time he picks up a little bit more but it never truly "clicks" for him. He's hoping this time does it for him. "A reet deet deet deeee..." Andy says, contentedly, as he slips under the hot water of the bath. He feels the day's stresses float away from him. Andy emerges from the bath a half hour later feeling a little closer to understanding and, more importantly, feeling totally relaxed. He heads to the kitchen to start planning out dinner but realizes that something is amiss. Someone is inside the house. Some of the kitchen drawers are open, a cutting board has fallen to the ground, and the refrigerator door is still open. Andy, dressed in a comfortable cotton robe, reaches for a heavy decorative candlestick to protect himself. He looks at it, heavy in his hand, and feels a pang of nostalgia for his childhood. He was rich, he realizes that now, so rich that he didn't even realize he was rich. Insulated from the outside world but constantly belittled by his family, young Andy retreated to a fantasy world inside his head. And that was where he met Andrew for the first time. Andrew was everything Andy was not. Andrew was strong and confident and he wasn't afraid to stand up for himself. Andrew was also quick to anger and would get violent at times, but Andy kind of admired that, too. Then came that day at school, the day Andrew showed himself to the other kids. Andy didn't have a lot of friends at his private school. Andy was interested in musical theater even at an early age, and that plus his keen sense of fashion made him a target for bullying. And, to his credit, Andy never let it bother him. But Andrew was a different story. Andrew didn't like when Andy was bullied. And, one day, he showed himself. Another kid, whose father owned a massive car dealership, began to tug on Andy's sweater vest. He yanked and yanked and, eventually, he tore it. And then Andrew showed up and tore off that kid's left ear. Andy didn't get bullied as much, although he wasn't sure why. In fact, he remembered falling asleep for a moment and then waking up to screams and the smell of blood. Weird, he thought, I got plenty of sleep last night. As he walks through the kitchen, Andy hears the TV playing in the living room and slinks through, hoping to catch the home intruder off balance. But, once again, he finds no signs of life. He looks at the TV, which is tuned to static. "Do TVs even get static any more?" Andy wonders, staring at the screen. He feels himself getting lighter and floating away. And that's what he sees Andrew across the room. "Andy," Andrew rasps out, his voice sounding as if Andy had a pack-a-day smoking habit for his entire adult life. "Good to see you again." "Please go away," Andy says, trying to keep the fear out of his voice. "I don't want you around any more. I don't need you around any more." "Yeah, you do. There's a fish out there that needs gutting. A big Tuna, right?" "He's not that bad any more, please. He barely notices me now." Andrew reaches into the pocket of his torn sweater vest and pulls out a long razor blade. "At last, my arm is complete again. Right, Andy?" Andrew smiles a cruel smile at Andy. Andy sees his own face staring back at him, a child-like grin on its face. Andy feels himself slip away, back to his childhood. He smells blood and hears screaming again. Andrew shuts off the TV and cleans up the kitchen. Tomorrow's a big day for him, and he needs a good night's sleep to maintain control. He looks outside at the setting sun. It's beautiful, absolutely beautiful, and it's been so long since he's seen it. He thinks of the last time he visited. He rocks in the tree tops all day long Hoppin' and a-boppin', and singing his song All the little birdies on Jaybird Street Love to hear the robin go tweet, tweet, tweet Andrew slides off to sleep with a smile on his face.
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May 14, 2024 15:04
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Jim covers Dwight in flubber, the miracle substance from the 1997 Robin Williams movie of the same name (based on The Absent-Minded Professor (1961)) Dwight bounces all over the office while yelling "Michael!" Jim dresses one of the flubber creatures in goggles and coveralls and claps with joy as the little homunculus plays another flubber creature's asscheeks as if they were bongos.
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May 14, 2024 20:19
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Jim bakes Dwight’s stapler into a jello mold. Dwight becomes irate.
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May 15, 2024 00:41
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Jim bullies Dwight into giving up his lunch money.
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May 15, 2024 01:45
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Jim uses Dwight’s lunch money to buy Dwight’s piss at a suspiciously low cost on the black market.
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May 15, 2024 02:39
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Seaturtle Jim hatches before seaturtle Dwight. Instead of flipping his fins erratically to try and reach the ocean, seaturtle Jim makes an obnoxious sound and attracts predators. Seaturtle Jim mugs the wildlife camera before getting the nest eaten by seagulls.
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May 15, 2024 02:48
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Jim sells Meredith a bag of Dwight’s piss, turning a profit. She intends to use it to pass the annual Dunder-Mifflin drug test but Oscar replaces it with a bag of apple juice in order to pass his own drug test. Dwight fails the drug test.
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May 15, 2024 03:02
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Jim stumbles into the break room to fill the morning pot of coffee with Dwight's piss as usual. Having strong withdrawals of last night's clown gas he shakes uncontrollably and clumsily slams the lid of the coffee machine shut too fast and tips the entire machine with the full reservoir of Dwight's piss onto himself. The decanter smashes onto the floor and Jim half shuffles the glass towards the edge of the cabinets. He walks out into the office about to make the announcement that he needs to take their coffee orders but it'll be a while and notices they are all drinking coffee from Hank's bistro in the lobby.
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May 15, 2024 03:36
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Meredith is replanting her flower bed when, shockingly, she finds three human fingers poking out of the soil. She calls the police and, soon enough, her elaborate flower bed has been torn up. As experts slowly dig down they discover the fingers are connected to a hand, which connects to an arm, which connects to an entire desiccated human corpse. Meredith is taken to the police station for questioning, although the age and condition of the body (plus the fact that she called it in) cast doubt on the idea that she had anything to do with this. At work the next day, all anyone can talk about is Meredith's odd discovery. Michael doesn't help matters, loudly announcing that Meredith is off today because "she found some dead guy in her garden". Jim's eyes practically bug out of his head at this comment, and he leans in close to Dwight. "Dwight, did you hear that?" Dwight finishes urinating and zips up his pants, telling Jim that he obviously heard that comment as the office bathroom isn't very large. Jim then pulls his pants up from his ankles and catches up to Dwight at the sink. "Yeah, but, a dead body? A dead freakin body, like in a horror movie or something? Can you imagine?" Dwight shudders. He doesn't have to imagine, although he already knows better than to tell Jim this fact. Instead, he just says "that's crazy, yeah" and returns to work. A few hours later, Dwight gets a phone call at his desk. It's the police, and they want him to come by the station for questioning regarding the body found at Meredith's. Dwight thanks them and says he'll be by as soon as he finishes work for the day. Jim eagerly listens to the entire call, licking his dry and cracked lips at the end. That evening, Dwight shows up to the police station. He's bought into a small room with two police officers, one in plainclothes, and a tape recorder. "Dwight, we've brought you here because we think you might be able to help us out. Your coworker found a body in her flower bed yesterday and we've been having a hell of a time figuring out who it is or how it got there. That is until we checked the clothing. That body was wearing a mustard yellow shirt, although years of being underground made that pretty hard to tell. We tracked down the manufacturer of that shirt and found out that only one man in Pennsylvania buys mustard yellow shirts of that variety, and he buys them in bulk. So, Dwight, let me ask you: how did one of your shirts get on that body?" Dwight sighs and asks if the police also checked for a wallet and, if so, if they found something they couldn't explain. The plainclothes officer looks uncomfortable. "Yeah, but that's supposed to be classified information, Mr. Schrute. Are you telling us you know what was in the wallet of the deceased?" Dwight says he does, although he's certain this will implicate him in the murder. There's money in that wallet, money with different faces on it. Maybe it's a different color, too, or a different material. The cops exchange looks. "Now, Dwight, this is very interesting. Because you're right, we did find some weird money on this guy. Red 4 dollar bills with someone we don't recognize on them. Square coins with fractions etched on them and a picture of the Washington Monument. Any idea where they came from?" For a moment Dwight considers telling the truth, at least as he understands it. That there exists an infinite number of universes out there which sometimes cross over with each other. And, in many of those universes, Jim is pranking him. In fact, sometimes Jim's pranks lead to his death. And, sometimes, these deceased Dwights end up in flower beds or wine cellars or even at the bottom of Lake Scranton in metal boxes. Instead, Dwight lies a bit and says he heard on his ham radio that another body was found like this in upstate New York. He's a bit of a true crime aficionado, you see. "Well," the plainclothes cop says as he stands up, "I don't know about all of that. But I think you'll want to stick around Scranton for the time being, Mr. Schrute. We might have some more questions for you, and it would look awful suspicious if you suddenly disappeared." Outside, in the darkness, Jim stares into the police station, although not the Jim that this Dwight knows. This Jim mugs for the camera.
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May 15, 2024 15:16
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Dwight gets a box of donuts from Dunkin Donuts for the whole office and, after letting everyone else take one, prepares to try the new watermelon donut. As he reaches for it, Jim smashes it with a giant mallet. "SLEDGE O MATIC!" Jim screeches, dressed as Gallagher. "Hey, Dwight, why did the chicken cross the road? Give up? BECAUSE I WAS SMASHING A WATERMELON!" Jim brings the mallet down again, utterly obliterating the donut that Dwight was hoping to eat.
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May 15, 2024 15:41
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Andy and Ryan have a bunch of wacky adventures, pranking each other, rivals and yet friends in the end. Ryan has a will-they-won’t-they relationship with [FEMALE COWORKER] that ends after several years in a wedding episode
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May 15, 2024 15:52
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Ehhhh, let’s say Erin. She hasn’t been up to anything in a while.
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May 15, 2024 15:57
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A smiling Michael sits in the elementary school auditorium next to Holly, watching the elementary school play. One of the kids steps forward to begin singing "How Much is that Doggy in the Window". As he does, a man next to Michael leans over and whsipers. "That's my son up there singing! Which one is yours?" Suddenly, another child leaps up from behind a cardboard tree and pretends to brandish a gun. "FREEZE! LAPD! We have a report of a stolen doggie in this area!" "That one," Michael says, beaming with pride. Three more kids, dressed like a gang from the movie The Warriors, arrive on stage. They begin an elaborately choreographed fight scene with the cop. "Oh, and those three, too!" Michael and Holly wave at the stage as the youngest of their kids loudly says "I'M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS POOP!" before chasing the rest of their siblings offstage to raucous applause and laughter from the audience. In the back row of the same auditorium, a half-awake Jim is on X (the everything app) trying to get a response on how to schedule maintenance for his Cybertruck, which has started leaking a variety of fluids out of multiple locations. Pam angrily elbows him in the side. "Jim! For Christ's sake, Philip's about to be on stage!" "Huh?" Jim says, a snore escaping his nose. "Philip's up there? Okay, I'm watching, is he the tree or what?" Pam makes a mental note to mention this to her therapist this week, as Jim squints to try and see the stage.
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May 15, 2024 16:19
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Where is the prank?
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May 15, 2024 16:21
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The prank is on Jim in that one, since the Cybertruck repairs will cost him several hundred thousand dollars and he'll eventually lose his index finger when the trunk closes on it.
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May 15, 2024 16:27
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Ok, I guess every 417 pages we can allow for one fun prank on Jim.
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May 15, 2024 16:37
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Erin legally changes her name to Kimmy and moves to New York creating an elaborate back story involving an unground bunker cult, she takes a job as a nanny and rents a small room her roommate is, wacky, as is her employer. They are, wacky folks, real characters she dates, a guy, then later another different guy at some point “Life sure is wacky!” she says, wearing brightly colored clothing
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May 15, 2024 16:40
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Jim takes Dwight to see the new movie IF. Enjoying the film, Dwight reaches for the popcorn only to find Jim’s erect penis in the bottom of the bucket. Jim mugs for Dwight.
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May 15, 2024 16:40
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BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:Jim takes Dwight to see the new movie IF. Enjoying the film, Dwight reaches for the popcorn only to find Jim’s erect penis in the bottom of the bucket. Jim mugs for Dwight. Jim, who is three rows back from Dwight, mugs through the pain as he clutches his crotch. His jeans are soaked through with blood now.
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May 15, 2024 16:45
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Jim reaches under the desk and squeezes Dwight’s testicles very hard, juicing them like two ripe lemons, and collects the resulting fluid in a strainer on the floor. “Duuuuude,” chuckles Kevin. “That’s messed up.” “Shut the gently caress up, Kevin,” says Jim.
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May 15, 2024 19:26
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Dwight decides to finally buy a new car with some beet stock profits. After a fruitless search for a Trans Am dealership, he settles on a Ferrari. Driving out of the lot, he gets directions to Creed’s apartment so he can flex in-person. The GPS voice is Jim, from the office. Dwight grimaces but then smiles. Nothing can ruin this day for him. It’s at this point that Jim’s hand reaches out from under the driver’s seat and squeezes Dwight’s testicles like lemons, draining them onto the floorboards. Dwight shrieks and crashes into a guard rail. The car explodes immediately, but not before Dwight can crawl out. Jim appears in front of him and draws a knife. “Not so fast, Dwight!” He stabs Dwight and mugs for the camera in the reflection of the bloody knife. 3 Months Later… Meredith decides to take up gardening.
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May 15, 2024 19:57
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Jim transmits body lice to Dwight.
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May 16, 2024 00:37
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Jim knocks out Dwight with chloroform and buries him alive in a coffin in the woods.
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May 16, 2024 02:00
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Jim calls the police and tells them that his (Jim's) autistic coworker Dwight is having a mental health crisis. The police burst into the office and see Dwight dancing around like he's (Dwight's) git ants in his pants. (This is because Jim poured a jar of fire ants down Dwight's pants). After Dwight fails to comply with the officers' bellowed orders, the police draw their firearms and discharge 56 rounds at Dwight. Stanley must be taken to the hospital.
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May 16, 2024 03:15
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Dwight gets up to use the bathroom, but he forgets to lock his computer. Jim sees that Dwight was refactoring his old code, so he commits to master instead of a new branch, and his commit message is 
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May 16, 2024 03:56
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Jim walks into the office with a metal tank strapped to his back holding a flamethrower. He, Jim, points it at Dwight and quips, "I want to see you pop balloon boy, you loving tart."
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May 16, 2024 04:07
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Jim puts a live slug in Dwight’s beet salad, but Dwight doesn’t even notice and eats the whole salad, slug and all. Dwight contracts “Rat Lung Worm” disease from the infected slug and must be taken to the hospital.
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May 16, 2024 05:57
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| # ? May 28, 2024 11:09 |
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Jim sneaks onto Dwight’s farm in the middle of the night and replaces all of Dwight’s beets with rutabagas.
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May 16, 2024 11:24
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